UPMC journal 102122

pre-breakfast (night prior)//

+ miserable. freaking out to the point of almost puking, in frustrated frightened tears, because I cannot decide on breakfast options. Yes it's stupid. but it's true. there are SO many choices, too many combinations. i don't know which one is the RIGHT ONE. I can't do applejuice or cranapple because every else does and that's THEIRS. it would look like I wasn't trying. I can't do an apple because I had one yesterday, and I can't do an orange because I'll have on on Sunday and I CAN'T "double" days. BUT a banana would be the "easy choice," AND I CAN'T do a banana if I do OJ because it'll screw up my stomach. I can't do grape because "it's my favorite" & thus the easy option. So if I get OJ & an orange I CAN'T double that on Sunday... but it IS a possibility. Hm. Maybe. It'll force me to "break the pattern" which can get too rigid. BUT CEREAL! I need to "try" Rice Krispies, BUT I'm STILL SCARED of the Cheerios, AND I actually have NO DATA for the Chex... which I think is the ONLY ONE I CAN'T get a single-serving of at home to try. Krispies are "easier" because of HAVEN memories, but "scary" because rice. BUT SAME WITH CHEX, which I FORGET. But I can do those next week? Or is it "chickening out" to NOT do them now? But I'd be a COWARD for NOT retrying the Cheerios. BUT EVERYONE PICKS CHEERIOS. The Chex would be the "challenge" in that respect. You see why I'm miserable. Jesus help me please.



post-breakfast//

+ Today's topic: OBSESSIONS, COMPULSIONS, & BEHAVIORS. What are we struggling with? What are the "RULES?" What "MUST" be done? WHY? What is the PURPOSE, or INTENDED GOAL/ RESULT, of these O/C/Bs?? What DISTORTIONS are present? What EMOTIONS are we feeling AS A RESULT OF THESE THOUGHTS? Are their action urges JUSTIFIED? Why or why not?
= Cannot "repeat" food choices twice in a row; every day MUST be different from the previous, "or I'm being lazy/ stubborn"
= Must have "even distribution" of choices over week, to be "fair" & "to make sense"? Uneven numbers "wrong"
= Must ALWAYS choose the "MOST CHALLENGING/ DIFFICULT" option, "or I'm being a coward/ stubborn"
= Must "get taste data"/ be conscious of eating or it "doesn't count"; "have to do it over"
= Must eat foods in "proper combinations," or it is "disordered/ improper" and "careless"
= NOT ALLOWED to CHOOSE foods that I "like"; that's "self-indulgent"/ addictive/ lazy/ cowardly"
= MUST (PARADOXICALLY) "LIKE" EVERYTHING THAT OTHERS LIKE to avoid offense? + NOT like what THEY dislike?? "DEFINED BY ORDERS"
✳ "Enjoying things"/ "pl*sre" is WRONG/ BAD" → "Suffering is GOOD because it is NOT enjoyable and IS brave↓"
"I must always be brave/ strong" "I must always do the most difficult thing↓" "I must always push myself harder"
"I must be GOOD↓" → "Good is SELFLESS" → "My own feelings & preferences don't matter"
"I must be PURE/ PERFECT" → "Goodness is UNCONTAMINATED" "Goodness DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES/ BAD CHOICES"
"I must be OBEDIENT" → "to be GOOD" "unselfish" "self-sacrificial"
✳ "KNOWLEDGE" obsession? Fear of "not knowing." Mystery = FAILURE TO LEARN??? Compulsion TO "find out"?
✳ "Not allowed to like foods" PERPETUATES "fear food" phenomenon? RESISTS RECOVERY because then there's "NO CHALLENGES???" "Recovery = LIKING EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M TOLD TO"??? UNTRUE!!! (SELF-DESTRUCTION; REPLACE SELF WITH "OTHER")
✳ Obsessing over 'CHOOSING" "one thing over another" = "ALL OR NOTHING." scared of "cruelty/ offense/ REJECTION," even with food (inanimate)
✳ Ultimate goals are ORDERLINESS, PROGRESS, BRAVERY, KNOWLEDGE, OBEDIENCE, DISCIPLINE, SPECIFICITY? PROPRIETY? "GOODNESS." Harmony/ elegance/ cooperation? "Aesthetic" agreement, as well as "choreography" OF choices?? INTENTIONALITY; making impulsive/ "indulgent" decisions is LAZY = BAD. Lazy is COWARDLY, no effort, no strength, no elegance. DIFFICULTY is valued to PROVE STRENGTH, and to PREVENT STAGNANCY? BUT "STRUCTURE" is often repeated? "Elegant;" effective distribution/ planning sticks. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Surprise changes (chosen by TEAM) ARE welcome, BUT MY OWN CHOICES MUST FIT SOME GREATER ORDER? They must be WISE, INFORMED, & CHALLENGING? But then I NEVER REST, AND I KEEP "MAKING NEW CHALLENGES TO FACE/ PROBLEMS TO SOLVE"!!! We did the SAME THING in 2017!!! The thought of "making an EASY/ COMFORTABLE" choice feels REPULSIVE? It would "seriously damage" my MORAL INTEGRITY?? Because "BEING GOOD = SUFFERING"???? "Liking" things is CONDEMNED; WHY?? Feels "OBTRUSIVE"? PREVENTS "CHALLENGE"??? ASSERTS "SELF"???

↑ EMOTIONAL RESPONSES/ ACTION URGES = JUSTIFICATION?
✳ SCARED of "choosing the wrong thing"? NOT the food itself-- ANY of them, IF "CORRECT," would be fine & non-threatening? But I'm "scared" of the "CHOOSING WRONG"?? When I obsess, I think "I HAVE to figure out the SMARTEST/ MOST CHALLENGING option"? I will make DATA SHEETS even!! Do I fear a threat to my "WELL-BEING"??? But fear FOCUSES ON ESCAPING DANGER. WHAT IS THE DANGER? Notably, "wrong" would be the EASY, COMMON, HABITUAL, OR "OUT OF PLACE" CHOICE? The GOAL IS HEALING = REQUIRES "ILLNESS"!!!!!
✳ ALSO tied to DISGUST: "wrong" choosing could SERIOUSLY DAMAGE my SENSE OF MORALITY/ INTEGRITY?? & ORDERLINESS? "THINGS WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG" = CONTAMINATION FEAR!! "Wrong" choices "DON'T WORK/ BELONG" TOGETHER??? "HAPHAZARD"; "uncontrolled/ wild"; "CANCEROUS"
✳ ALSO tied to ANGER: "Important goal" of GOODNESS/ ORDER/ INTEGRITY being BLOCKED by "cowardice/ laziness/ carelessness/ stubbornness"? THOSE qualities are "DISEASES"/ "SPIRITUALLY SICKENING" and MUST BE "HEALED" THROUGH EFFORT/ ACTION/ PRECISION, and the DISCIPLINE to FOLLOW THE RULES/ BE IN PROPER ORDER. No sloppiness or "carefree" behavior. ANGER fights ALL these "ugly tendencies" to OVERCOME those obstacles by FORCE and to STOP FURTHER THREATS. The problem is, ANGER SEES "SELF-INDULGENCE" as a threat and "SELF-DISCIPLINE" as the ideal, so it "DISCIPLINES" the "BAD CHILD" through VIOLENCE & VERBAL ABUSE, with the intended goal of "crushing" all inclination to be "soft & weak & sensual & sloppy & EVIL" -- qualities we ALSO associate with FATNESS. If "fat = evil" then "thin = good" AND "strong = good"? It's a mess. Being "big" FILLS US WITH "ARROGANT RAGE"??? Like the sheer SIZE of our body ELICITS POWER-ABUSIVE TENDENCIES??? WHY. Is it the desperate drive to DESTROY THE FAT=SLOVENLY RISK??? So much disgust. The "clean freak" obsession gets SO BAD. "MUST discipline/ control/ tame/ etc. this WILD/ ANIMALISTIC/ DISORDERED THING." Ironically, the eating disorder got WORSE through the hypercontrolling. ALL EXTREMES ARE UNHEALTHY!
✳ SADNESS: kicks in AFTER ANGER & self-destructive consequences; "things are not the way you hoped/ wanted/ expected" & "PERMANENT LOSS." "I did not behave the way I SHOULD" = "I HOPED I could be GOOD; I WANTED to be BRAVE; I EXPECTED to be SMART ENOUGH... but I WASN'T"??? LOSS = FAILURE TO BE GOOD/ PERFECT = ALL OR NOTHING: "THEN I'M BAD." Keeps cycling back to annihilatory RAGE, WHILE SOBBING typically.
✳ GUILT: "BEHAVIOR VIOLATES MORAL CODE." Obvious & self-explanatory. ALL my decisions are "MORALLY RIGHT OR WRONG", no matter how small.
✳ SHAME: "If my actions/ characteristics are REVEALED, I will be REJECTED BY THE "GOOD"/ BY "REAL CHRISTIANS"!!!" VERY powerful with "bad [food] choices" because those are ON THE TRAY FOR ALL TO SEE, & my choices are RECORDED BY TEAM. SO, if I "chicken out" and choose the EASY option, OR the SAME THING repeatedly, THAT COWARDLY LAZINESS WILL BE REVEALED AND I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO "SET A GOOD EXAMPLE" OR "BE A GOOD, OBEDIENT, BRAVE GIRL" ANYMORE-- the "secret sin" is APPARENT and I AM DOOMED. NO SECOND CHANCES!!!
YOU F*CKED UP AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT BACK, THE "DEED IS DONE" YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE, ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED THE "COMFY OPTION"!!!!

I chose whole milk instead of chocolate and I AM A F*CKING COWARD!!!
I didn't choose it because I'M TRYING to cut down on the sugar
NO EXCUSES YOU F*CKING LAZYASS COWARD
do I have to
I don't want it I dont like all the sugar
ANd, And mr. doctor SAID! dont obsess!
BUT But WE HAVe tO
CANT CHICKEN OUT DON'T BE SO F*CKING LAZY
DO THE HARD THING
STOP LOOKING FOR "EASY" WAYS OUT STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUFFERING!!!!

ISNT THIS SUFFERING ENOUGH

NO
THIS DOESN'T COUNT THIS IS DISCIPLINE FOR YOUR SELFINDULGENT ASS
LEARN TO DO THE RIGHT THING
STOP CHICKENING OUT!!!
MAN THE F*CK UP!!!!



(1) I didn't choose chocolate milk because I was scared of the sugar taste
(2) EVERYONE is choosing chocolate milk
(3) IT'S THEIRS, SAVE IT FOR THEM
(4) IT'S COMMON, SET A BRAVE EXAMPLE BY DOING DIFFERENT
(5) BUT IT'S A CHALLENGE FOR US
(6) IT'S MORE OF A "CHALLENGE" NOT TO CHOOSE IT, APPARENTLY
(7) F*CK YOU THAT'S A HOLLOW EXCUSE
YOU RAN AWAY. ON PURPOSE. YOU CHICKENED OUT


(8) what is the bravest choice, for real, what is "GOOD"
what is "effective"


(9) Our GOAL is to BE BRAVE.
The MOST "EFFECTIVE" THING would be to
- ADMIT we chickened out
- FIX THE DECISION
WHICH WE DID
I'M PROUD OF YOU
SEE I KNEW YOU WEREN'T REALLY A COWARD.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE
IT CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER
BY FACING YOUR FEAR OF "SUGAR"
AND REALIZING IT CAN'T HURT YOU/ US
"REMEMBER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID"
ALL THE CHOICES HAVE NUTRITION
EVEN THE SCARY ONES.






post-dinner/

We were too "proud." We drank it cold & couldn't taste it. The FAILURE distracted us for the whole meal. How ironic. "No right choice." BUT in MEMORY we have data, thanks to Jesus's mercy. We're sorry for our arrogance in "proving ourselves." Please, please forgive our foolish heart.
+ For the record. We DIDN'T "chicken out on Rice Krispies-- they were OUT! So we bravely retried the Chex, AND tasted it this time-- NOT soaking it, but NOT eating it by hand either. We used minimal milk & used a spoon, all proper. The taste, esp. unwet, DOES trigger "trauma echoes." It's humbling & horrifying to REALIZE & REMEMBER JUST HOW BAD THINGS WERE back then. But FEAR NOT!! God has brought us to recovery and we NEVER have to go through that hell again!! In time, we pray, those memories will fade, and the Chex will be "free" & "innocent" again, too. THAT'S WHAT WE WANT with ALL trauma/ fear foods! THAT'S why we're SO DETERMINED NOT to "chicken out"-- THAT PREVENTS HEALING, PERPETUATES FEAR, and KEEPS BOTH ME & THE FOOD STUCK IN A TRAUMA MINDSET!! WE WANT TO BE FREE, and FREEDOM ONLY COMES THROUGH LOVE!! THAT is how to forgive & move on-- you NEED that GRACE first!! So please, PLEASE, pray constantly & sincerely for it!! We CAN'T be "Good" on our own-- we CAN'T be TRULY BRAVE on our own either. WE NEED GOD. We need to do it WITH HIS POWER and FOR HIS FLORY, THROUGH HIS LOVE!!! And tragically we failed to do that tonight. We were SO carried away with self-hatred & PRIDE, wanting to be "brave" but FOR THE WRONG REASON-- almost to spite ourself, DEFINITELY with a smug "victory over stupidity" vibe, shame on us-- that we DIDN'T HONESTLY THINK OF GOD. He WASN'T our primary focus. We didn't choose the chocolate milk TO LET HIS MERCY WORK THROUGH US, but to chastise ourselves for "being weak." And GOD BRINGS DOWN THE PROUD!!! Which He SURE DID for our misguided ass, and THANK YOU GOD FOR DOING SO, because we NEEDED this lesson, DESPERATELY. We could NEVER hope to "make the good choice" WITHOUT YOU, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL GOOD!! On our own we WERE doomed to fail, no matter HOW hard we tried; our mind was ENTIRELY IN THE WRONG SPACE. I felt that last night, trying to figure out the juice datasheet. It felt so exasperating & distressing; I didn't even PRAY because I was so obsessed & MISERABLE. God I am so, so sorry. Please, CHANGE MY HEART!!! Help me TO pray, REALLY pray, WITHOUT abandoning recovery & "thinking I don't have to care about life anymore." Loving & worshipping You IS LIFE, and I want to do that WITH my life-- ALL OF IT!! I desperately, fervently want YOU to be PRESENT in ALL aspects of my daily life & work, NOT JUST IN RECITED PRAYER. We can't be TRUE friends if I only ever talk to You & spend time with You in "prepackaged" ways-- yes, those prayers are STILL Good & Beautiful, BUT I'M saying them in RITUAL OBLIGATION, something "to be done" by the schedule; I SHOULD be-- and I WANT to be-- inviting You to be with me in MY HUMANITY. Right now, You feel SO "unapproachable," SO "pure & Almighty," that I TREMBLE to talk to You, let alone EAT & COOK & WRITE & DREAM with You. And that's SO TRAGICALLY WRONG. Please, God-- LET ME KNOW YOU. Please, BE MY FRIEND. Hang out with me at breakfast. Share that PopTart. Guide me through lunch. Discuss DBT with me. Let's sit on the patio together. Let's listen to Lofi music together. Let's LIVE, in ALL the little moments, TOGETHER, and so CONSECRATE ALL OF MY LIFE to YOU, dearest Lord... no exceptions. SOLI DEO GLORIA.

E.D. RECOVERY WORKBOOK: ROOTS

 

The more I think about the eating disorder, the more "roots" I find?

RESTRICTION ROOTS

+ "Refusal" of body maturation = sexuality
+ Terror of female body shape; gender dysphoria
+ "Rejection" of invasion (sexual abuse)
+ "Swallowing" fear of "contamination" (+ compulsive spitting)
+ Family body image toxicity; fat-shaming
+ Fasting; desperate attempt to "be good/ holy/ pure"
+ Food TOO stressful/ confusing; "don't know what's right" so AVOID IT ALTOGETHER
+ "I can either think about food, or creativity; it's one or the other"

PURGE ROOTS

+ "Get the poison out" (pain; literal sickness from spoiled food)
+ "Stay clean/ pure/ empty"; UNTOUCHED (sexual abuse)
+ "Reject what I didn't say "no" to" (sexual abuse)
+ "I made a mistake while eating; I MUST RESET/ RESTART and GET IT RIGHT"
+ Rage/ sorrow/ fear response; unable to tolerate emotion; try to "eject it"

BINGE ROOTS

+ Fight sensory deprivation & isolation
+ Numb intolerable emotions/ reality terror
+ "Learn to like everything" (sexual abuse)
+ Associating eating with "self care" & reward (family)
+ Self-abuse
+ "I made a mistake while eating; it CAN'T be "good" now so I'M "DOOMED" to KEEP doing wrong"
+ Creative/ organizational OUTLET when need is otherwise unmet

E.D. RECOVERY WORKBOOK: LETTERS

LETTER TO "ED"

Dear heart, poor tortured thing, why are you so hungry? Why are you so afraid? (→ RESPONSE)

Hey, "eating disorder"? Listen, I DON'T want to treat you as an enemy, and I DON'T want to "invalidate" or "trivialize" you. I ALSO don't want to "pretend you don't really exist." You DO exist. You ARE significant, and you ARE "valid" in your own way-- but that "way" is DAMAGED and THAT'S what I want to discuss with you. You entered my life in the wake of trauma and intense fear, and your purpose was to HELP ME COPE. In that regard, your motives & goals WERE valid! And I MUST RESPECT THAT. Maybe I should even "thank you" for trying to help so much. BUT. In a respectful relationship I must ALSO tell you, firmly but lovingly, that WE GOT IT WRONG. From the very beginning, our methods & goals were SKEWED because WE DIDN'T PROPERLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WERE DOING. You saw the body changing, you KNEW what people told us about those changes, and you WANTED TO STOP THE CHANGES in the ONLY "POSSIBLE" WAY-- through not eating. If "eating" = "fat," and "fat" = "female" and "female" = "sex" then I HAD TO BE AS THIN AS POSSIBLE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE!!

You're very controlling, because you're so scared of what you CAN'T control. Life for you was so unpredictable, and the future so unsure & unstable, that the added "unpredictability" of food-- stress that you ATE-- was too much. You refused to eat, until raw hunger would kick in & binge. Then you'd hate yourself for "being weak" and you learned to spit & vomit.
You had SO MANY RULES about what foods were "right" or "safe." You ate the same things over & over, something you could control & predict & understand, when nothing else was clear. But food somehow always ended up being "the enemy," because you were SO HUNGRY you COULDN'T STOP EATING, and that forced consumption-- that loss of control & self, that horrible addiction-- felt like rape all over again.
Unable to quit, you used it to cope. The E.D. was a way of BOTH expressing the horror of abuse CONSCIOUSLY, and "FINALLY" REJECTING IT.
It's a mess. You're a scared, sobbing mess. You have so many trauma scars and the sex you can't escape is your worst nightmare.

Fat = female = sex = mother = food, and food = fat, which loops the whole damned thing, doesn't it?

But "being skinny" still didn't save you.

I know you see "food" as "the enemy," because you can't seem to let go of your associating eating with sexual abuse.
You feel all the horror in your stomach. You don't want to "fill up" the body with ANYTHING. You've seen & heard far too many people making even more explicit associations, over & over & over.
But FOOD ITSELF CANNOT EVER DO THAT TO YOU. FOOD ISN'T THE REAL ENEMY & NEVER WAS.

I know you want to "starve the body into not being female/ adult" but it doesn't work.
I know you're terrified of that body shape, thinking it will make the sexabuse hell immanent & unending.
But we've got to find another way of fighting, one that WON'T KILL US IN THE PROCESS!!
And honestly, the best way I can see is to STRIP THE ABUSERS OF THEIR POWER by DE-WEAPONIZING FOOD.


LETTER FROM "ED"

YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHY I'M SO STARVED & TERRIFIED. DON'T GIVE ME YOUR PETTY PITY AND EMPTY CONDESCENDING "CONCERN." YO'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT ME, NOT AS A PERSON. YOU JUST SEE ME AS A PROBLEM TO FIX UP, ALL NEATLY & TIDIED UP, "THAT'S THAT" AND YOU'RE DONE WITH ME FOREVER.
WELL GUESS WHAT. I'M ONLY DISORDERED BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DIS-ORDERED!!!
I'VE BEEN F*CKED UP AND F*CKED OVER AND I'M RUINED AND BROKEN AND POISONED AND DISGUSTED AND SICK AND DESPAIRING AND SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO DIE. TO MAKE IT STOP.
BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME AS THE WOUND I AM. NOT REALLY. TO YOU I'M JUST A MESS TO CLEAN UP. YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE REAL PERSON BLEEDING, OR THE TRAUMA THAT CAUSED IT. YOU THINK I WANT TO BE DISORDERED?? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE IN THIS HELL?? OR HURT THIS POOR F*CKED UP BODY? OR HURT AND SCARE YOUR/OUR BLOOD FAMILY?? NO!!! I DON'T WANT THIS EITHER.
BUT I CAN'T GET BETTER ON MY OWN. I'M USELESS ALONE. THAT'S HOW I GOT SO BAD. I HAD NO HELP AND I HURT SO BAD IT SWALLOWED ME UP. PUN INTENDED. BUT I'M STARVING. I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY JUST FOR COMPASSION REALLY AND HUMAN CONNECTION THAT DOESN'T FLAY YOU OPEN OR SHOVE POISON DOWN YOUR THROAT.
THERE ARE MORE THAN ME, YOU KNOW. WE SHARE THIS SO IT DOESN'T KILL US ALL ALONE. WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK THAT ONE GIRL ALWAYS WANTS TO EAT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE LIKE? BECAUSE THAT'S HER ONLY MEANS OF CONNECTION OR COMMUNION. PEOPLE THEMSELVES ARE UNSAFE. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET F*CKED TOO MANY TIMES DAMN IT, PEOPLE HURT WHEN THEY T*CH YOU. AND WHEN YOU'RE USED TO HAVING TO CHOKE THEM DOWN, WELL. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME FUSES WITH THE INSTINCT OF AN ABANDONED CHILD. FORGIVENESS IDEALIZES ITSELF IN FOOD. WE EAT IN DESPERATE HOPE OF OVERRIDING HELL. BUT IT FAILS CATASTROPHICALLY. AND WE JUST RE-LIVE THE TERROR. EVERY DAMN TIME. I'M SORRY. THERE'S TOO MUCH FOR HERE. TOO MANY VARIABLES. TOO MANY ANGLES. TOO MANY PEOPLE. BUT DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO KILL US OFF TOO BY YOUR DAMN APATHY DISGUISED AS SYMPATHY. I KNOW YOU. YOU CAN'T FOOL ANYONE.
YOU EXIST TO SPIT OUT PLATITUDES AND MAKE A SHOW OF HOLLOW COMPASSION. BUT YOU'RE JUST A MOUTH. YOU HAVE NO HEART. YOU HYPOCRITE!!
YOU'RE WORSE THAN I'LL EVER BE. AT LEAST I CAN BLEED.


LETTER TO (THE NOUSFONI CARING FOR) MY BODY

I don't like how you've changed.
I don't like that horrific "womanly pouch" of fat behind our navel. I don't like the "handlebars" on your hips
IT'S F*CKING GROSS.

Listen we see "fat" as SEXUAL and so it CANNOT BE ALLOWED or we'll DIE

we're so AFRAID of that roundness. please stop it.

please if there's ANY way to change it PLEASE CHANGE.
please stop making "woman hormones" they're ALL BAD STOP STOP PLEASE!!!

I DOn't WANt tO be thAt

what do we want
we can't stay twelve forever
it's not even "the worst choice" anymore
or is it??
I LIKE the mental maturity we have
the spiritual progress with time
but
NOT THE BODY
NOT THIS SHAPE
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO????

can we
can we change this for the better

if we can't change your programming
please, LET US EXERCISE
if you're gonna INSIST on being BIG THEN use it BETTER
NOT FOR FLABBY INDOLENCE & "SENSUALITY" SH*T

BURN THAT "FAT" LIKE THE SIN IT IS



LETTER FROM MY BODY

I can't turn off the pituitary gland. I'm sorry.
I couldn't turn off puberty either.
I know you hate that I'm "NOT" disordered in that regard. I know you WISH you had an underdeveloped, malformed, or inert "reproductive system."
But... it is as it is. I mean that as simply as possible. Neither of us can change the genetics & biology God gave us. Whether we "like it" or not, it is what it is.

We're gonna have to live with that.

Please don't starve me anymore. I need food for FUEL, like a car needs gas. I literally WILL shut down without it. I know your fear of sexuality makes shutdown sound very ideal. It's not. There's no hope in it. We'll just die, and that "sexuality" will have killed us. Do you want it to be the victor over us, driving us to death?

Please don't overfeed me either. Food is fuel, food is medicine. It's NOT "just stuff," it's NOT "garbage to remove." Respect it, respect me, respect God's INTENT for us both. Respect US! I know you like rules. Well, that's a rule of propriety. Don't abuse food OR me.

And please, don't keep throwing up. It's scary and it hurts and I lose all my water.
I'm only supposed to throw up if I'm sick or poisoned and then I will do it FOR you, don't worry. You forcing me to "get sick" when I'm just trying to do my job, trying to get enough fuel to WORK so that YOU can live in here... it hurts me.

I will gladly exercise with you, if you don't use THAT to hurt us, either. Be careful with our poor feet & knees; you've pushed them to damage before. That will just make it harder TO exercise! Start slow, so I can get used to it, but don't quit. I like exercise too. I can't get rid of ALL the fat-- I need it to function-- but I can help with the shape a little, the more muscle you help me get. Be patient; we'll get there.

But please. Please learn to love me unconditionally. I already love you.

"EATING AND THE SELF" WORKBOOK NOTES

MOST COMMON PRO-ANOREXIC BELIEFS that cause RESISTANCE TO CHANGE:

• EMOTIONAL SECURITY = through dissociation/ manic expression (binge) & terror/ sobbing/ trauma expression (purge)?
• CONTROL = fights rape/ violation/ poison fears. Restriction: "keep the outside OUT of me." Purge= PURIFICATION. Binge= DESTROY.
• ATTRACTIVENESS= TO MYSELF?? disgusted by feminine figure/ curves/ chunkiness. Shamefully, I did admire my thinness.
• SELF-CONFIDENCE= somehow, yes. Matched the "inner me"= SEXLESS & free & light. even childlike. "COULD express self."
• AVOIDANCE OF FEELINGS= eating brings up trauma; not eating means I can keep suppressing it/ denying it; NOT FEEL IT
• BEING SPECIAL= "I'm NOT like the 'other girls' so I'm NOT a girl"; "If I DON'T want to be like them, I CAN'T LOOK LIKE THEM"
• FITNESS= admittedly so. The "FEELING" of being loose/ heavy/ flaccid is HUMILIATING & DISTURBING. Valued "strength."
• NO MENSES= IT'S AN EXPLICIT TRAUMA/ DYSPHORIA TRIGGER. I don't know how I'll cope if it does come back. I'd rather die.

Describe your posture.

• I always tend to sit "straight w/ shoulders back," attentive; I was repeatedly instructed to do so as a child, and it DOES help keep my mood optimistic & open. BUT, there's also a sense of "containment"? I keep my legs close together, and although my arms aren't crossed, my HANDS are? They're either folded in my lap, or "cradled" right under left w/ upward palms: the latter being a subtle "sign" of receptivity/ listening. The "folding" forms, in contrast, a "closed loop" w/ my arms, allowing me to receive information BUT internalizing my focus.
• When writing, I hunch over the paper, elbows out to the sides and both hands close on the paper. I lean my head down too. Although I'm "bent" my shoulders are tight, & my abdomen slightly tense. Outwardly I'm "enclosed" w/o "closing off"; signaling total immersion in my work & discouraging approach. Internally I'm "exerting" intense focus-- the emphasis on my arms/ upper body keeps me grounded/ aware in self, so I CAN pour all my conscious focus into the WRITING, not getting carried away by thoughts too fast/complex TO write, which WOULD be accessible/ bleeding over IF my posture was more relaxed & loose: which is required for THINKING/ PROCESSING; when I shift, the tension drops from my chest, my shoulders loosen & shift down, and I look up, eyes UNFOCUSED. BUT my hands/ arms STAY "looped" at chest level, a subtle "enclosing" that still discourages interruption.
• When triggered/ shaken, I cross my wrists while hunched over the table? My chest & shoulders tense AND hunch, like my back is arching up like a scared cat. I turn my head to the right & tilt my chin down close to my shoulder, as if I had a heavy scarf & I was trying to hide in it. My legs tighten closer together AND my feet ground only at the toes, bent back & out at the knees-- having my feet flat feels UNSAFE & causes panic. My eyes STAY unfocused, through dissociation; my expression freezes neutral??
• When DEEPLY DISTURBED, I DO pull my arms down in front of my chest, STILL only crossed halfway, over my solar plexus? NOT "folded," only right in front of left. My fingers are loosely curled in, but NOT clenched. I push down w/ my forearms into my stomach-- upper arms pushing BACK?? (and/or up w/ the hunched shoulders) and my LOWER BACK slouches out, my chest tightening with it, in a NOTABLE subconscious "echo" of a vomiting response. My exhales are forceful, controlled, & clipped; my inhales are shallow & brief. WHENEVER I'm distressed/ in crisis to the point of wanting to cry/ scream/ run, the MOST pressure & nausea ALWAYS FOCUSES IN MY STOMACH (solar plexus), & manifests w/ SUDDEN, FORCEFUL, IMPULSIVE exhales/ muscle contractions, as if I were silently screaming or violently throwing up.
• My expression typically FOCUSES ON MY EYES/ BROW, UNTIL/UNLESS I'M IN CRISIS/ EXTREME EMOTION??

Do you have any new understandings of how you relate to others, after completing the genogram (posted separately)?

• How I relate to self: internalized/ learned/ COPIED? parental behaviors; SO MUCH of the E.D. is APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR???

We've suspected that for YEARS, notably w/ Iscah; our compulsions to be "thin & pretty," "clean & proper," "small & harmless," etc. as WELL as our compulsions to EAT/ NOT EAT certain foods (coffee, chocolate, bacon, etc.) are ALL NOTABLY BASED ON TRYING TO WIN AND/OR DESERVE LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, & APPROVAL from someone we loved, who did not necessarily care about us.

"If I like/eat all your favorite foods, will you like me, too?/ Will I be your favorite?"

"If I DON'T like/eat the foods you like/eat, I won't be like you/ I'm saying NO to what you did"? (AMBIVALENCE in trauma contexts!!)
 

• How I relate to others: I INSTINCTIVELY default to appeasement behavior if I like someone/ want to be close to them?? And if I DON'T FEEL SAFE/ RIGHT in that imitation, I will DISTANCE myself from them & "act like I don't care"?? Even though I DO!!-- I just cannot safely act on that WITHOUT my learned behavior kicking in: "for them to like/ love/ accept/ respect me, I MUST BECOME LIKE THEM"??

Notes on the Victim/ Rescuer/ Persecutor Triangle:

• Ambivalence: "I want to be saved from this eating disorder/ I "HAVE TO" do these compulsions EVEN THOUGH I hate it"

^ Mom couldn't feed me OR ignore me w/o "seeming like a persecutor" to one or the other?? It breaks my heart. SHE JUST WANTS TO HELP. She loves you!! She's your mom!!

• I feel compelled to be "a rescuer" BUT when difficult/ scary events occur, I often default to "VICTIM" & view others as "persecutors," although I WILL LOOK for a "rescuer" if it gets real bad!!
• If others ACT AS "VICTIMS," I tend to AUTOMATICALLY feel/ ACT like a "persecutor?" It's sickening. But that reflects how I treat myself. Relatedly, I will play "rescuer" for people whose needs AREN'T EMOTIONAL???
• The System DAILY "switches" between ALL 3 ROLES, notably in a crisis. Victims are beaten up by persecutors and HOPEFULLY a rescuer will step in soon. Unfortunately our traumabrain tends to JUSTIFY PERSECUTORS. We apparently VILIFY THE VICTIM??? see them as "manipulative dramatic liars," NOT ACTUAL "VICTIMS"!!!
• I typically am NOT AWARE of "needs" UNTIL THEY ARE COMPROMISED, and feeling so suddenly & disturbingly "stuck," I feel victimized. I "assume people KNOW what I need," thinking "it MUST be obvious" because "I behave accordingly"?? i.e. I'm quiet & keep to myself, so "you'd ASSUME I needed a seat by myself." But they KEEP putting me in the crowded noisy kitchen, EVEN THOUGH I've spoken up about it TWICE. So it feels "ignorant" or even "malevolent"-- "we don't believe/ trust/ respect your request & "alleged need" SO we're POINTEDLY going to deny/ oppose it!!" That makes them a PERSECUTOR. I feel helpless & feel victimized. Then I LOOK/WAIT for someone to "rescue" me??
• I "become the persecutor" when I see people BREAKING RULES?? or "MISBEHAVING"?? I "want them to be punished so they behave/ obey"?? I feel AWFUL wanting to be "brutal/ harsh" but their behavior makes me SO ANGRY??? Still, if I DO strike out, then YES, I AM THE PERSECUTOR, and I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANYONE TRAUMA!! but it's happened. Rage is traumatic and I've shown it in the past. for that I am awfully, contritely sorry.
• Relationships seem permanently damaged once this happens. "My way" no longer matters?? Even if they DO "behave" it's only temporary AND INSINCERE; as it's FORCED through fear/threat; NOT FREELY CHOSEN. So "persecuting" ANYONE never ever does anything good.
• I think I've "persecuted" TAS/ TBAS/ Q through my blaming them for trauma? even if they DID do something VERY WRONG!! but "being the victim" sometimes feels UNBEARABLE-- if the trauma is too destructive & disturbing-- so I "FLIP" the roles?? I spit vitriol about it instead of weeping. It's so unhealthy & unmerciful. I NEED to learn to COMMUNICATE; never voicing my needs, OR NEVER SAYING "NO," will ALWAYS cause this triangle. I NEED to be OPEN, HONEST, & RESPECTFUL of ME AND THEM!!

 

Describe a cyclical maladaptive pattern you've noticed in yourself.

1) "When people talk to me, I think they are testing me or tempting me for a certain response/ "setting me up".
- "I feel like I am on trial, or being watched & monitored. I feel like if I say the wrong thing, I will be marked for abuse."
- "I wish people wouldn't try to have conversations with me/ ask me personal questions/ ask for my "opinion.""
- "I dissociate and respond with shallow, automatic phrases when people talk to me"?
2) "If I talk to people, they will judge me according to the propriety of my response, & treat me according to their being pleased or offended. Offense will almost inevitably merit further brutal abuse for the sake of correcting/ forcing me to please them instead."
3) "When I talk/ respond to people, they appear awkwardly uncomfortable, nervous, and/ or "down"; they seem angry, upset, & impatient."
4) "When I talk to people, I never speak properly, and I feel gross & stupid afterwards. I am miserable & try to isolate; I violently & repeatedly condemn myself."

E.D. RECOVERY WORKBOOK: PART ONE

★ A sudden, important thought:

We haven't had a REAL "self-image" since 2003.
We literally couldn't draw ourselves ALL through high school, UNTIL ~2009, when we CUT OUR HAIR and specifically identified as neutrois. Even then it was smothered by dysphoria.
The coreshift "made us male" for ~8 years BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THE EATING DISORDER.

Nevertheless, the point is:

We ALSO DON'T SEE OUR "INNER SELF" AS ANOREXIC.
We DON'T "identify" with that kind of bony, "willowy" & "waifish" figure, AT ALL. It even disgusts some of us.
So WHY are we doing that TO THE BODY??

Honestly this "thicker" base MIGHT WORK, if we look at it as SOLIDNESS, NOT "FAT."
We've always admired strong, muscular forms, EVEN if they're "bigger than us."
We ARE "scared of being BIG," but there IS a middle ground we keep forgetting.
Maybe we CAN work with this.

★ TRY "drawing us." See WHAT ACTUALLY "CLICKS," even only a little.

★ Look up and FIND "role models" / "IDEAL" body shapes OF OUR "IDEAL WEIGHT" SHAPE.
(MEWTWO FITS THIS. I'M SERIOUS.)
(DON'T FORGET JASPER & BISMUTH!)

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WHAT IS LOST

Nothing of true value is ever truly lost. Remember that.
But OH BOY did I EVER lose a lot of money. The binges could not admit or acknowledge how much CASH was being vomited up every day-- an average of $20, which is a MINIMUM OF $600 PER MONTH! That's my ENTIRE POST-RENT SSI CHECK.

I lost so much time. I lost so much peace. I lost all my freedom, considering how ADDICTED I was.
I spent HOURS on EACH "step" EVERY DAY-- hours obsessing over "what to buy," hours spent shopping & "running away" from myself, hours spent preparing & cleaning, hours spent eating it all, hours spent throwing it up, hours spent trying to "reset" afterwards. Every minute of my day was devoured by it. I couldn't stop the obsessive, intrusive, anxious & desperate ruminations.
I lost so much sleep. I lost almost all hope.

My family lost all patience with me. They lost all their trust in me.
I was forbidden from even taking a can of peas for myself. I was excluded from family meals. I became "identified" with both food and the disordered abuse of it. My family treated me as if the disorder was intrinsic, inevitable, incurable.

I lost all respect for myself. I, too, began to see myself as terminally ill, damned to die like that.
I felt "unworthy" to do, like, choose, want, or experience ANYTHING "good," "pure," or "enjoyable." I saw myself as filth incarnate, disgusting & subhuman, doomed to destroy everything that I touched.
I lost all interest in life. I rejected & abandoned all "interests," hollowing myself out even more. The very thought of tainting those once-beloved things with my diseased presence was unbearable. I gave up & gave in to the sickness.

I lost all my "friendships" and ironically that was the one thing I WANTED to happen.
The eating disorder made me so intolerable, so unhealthy, so miserable, that no one wanted to be around me.
I isolated & hid food & stole money & ate everything in the apartment. I became a curse.
Eventually they no longer saw me as "desirable" and I COULD ESCAPE.
But I stayed trapped in the disorder, terrified of future threats, and burying myself in food, condemning myself to a "living death" as long as I felt incapable of facing the reality of my life.

I ALMOST lost my life, literally.
But I DID lose what made life worth living.

Still. Just because I lost it doesn't mean it was gone, just missing. Just misplaced. Just forgotten.
Recovery is about resurrection.
There IS Life, even after such a death. Keep going.


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PROS & CONS

List the negative consequences of the eating disorder.

+ OBSESSIVE/ COMPULSIVE
+ MISERABLE from the whole damn cycle
+ No money, always "trying to get/ earn more"
+ No time to type or do Leaguework or Spotify
+ Up until 3AM sometimes; no good dreams
+ Blood sugar hell, constant diarrhea, always tired?
+ MORAL DESPAIR/ MORTALITY PANIC
+ Always felt filthy, guilty, ashamed, out of control
+ Constantly re-traumatizing

List the positive aspects of the eating disorder.

+ Religious hyperfocus; NO "secular" shame
+ Body "stays" empty/ "clean"/ PURE
+ Feel light, unburdened, untouched
+ Disconnect from past/ body? partly?
+ Routine, ritual, orderly, structured, timed?
+ Totally distract from anxiety & panic
+ Total, "safe" sensory absorption; controllable
+ DISSOCIATIVE ANCHOR for mental refuge
+ Hours of "hand work" = chopping, picking, etc.

List the personal benefits that you expect if you change.

+ Re-accepted by family; able to BE with them again
+ Time to do CREATIVE THINGS! And LEARN MORE!!
+ No longer ashamed to EXIST; able to accept LOVE
+ Reconnect to System life as a WHOLE, and LIVE IT!!
+ Proper management of time & finances
+ No longer slave to compulsions/ obsessions/ rituals
+ Body stronger, able to help others and do HARD WORK!
+ Able to SLEEP & DREAM!! Proper bed/ wake times too!
+ No longer terrified of food & eating?? Food is "just fuel" now
+ I can FINALLY READ ALL MY BOOKS!
+ Use HEALTHY, EFFECTIVE coping skills for trauma/ stress
+ No more unending moral panic/ compulsive sins/ GUILT
+ Freedom. Day no longer "revolves around" binge/ purge cycle.

List the personal costs that you expect if you change.

★ NEW obsession with "eating PROPERLY/ NO MISTAKES"!!!
+ HAVE to face trauma symptoms; NO NUMBING
+ Need a new way to occupy my chop-happy hands
+ TOTALLY NEW LIFE; can feel overwhelming & lost?
+ Can't hide from the world/ avoid social interaction
+ HAVE TO EAT REGULARLY, even in evening/ on road
+ The body WILL get bigger & less sharp; will be heavier
★ NO MORE "EXIT DOOR" FOR DUMB DECISIONS, DISCOMFORT, STRESS, OR ANXIOUS PANIC; SO NO FOOD MISTAKES ALLOWED!!!
+ Face "purposeless" terror of daily life
+ "TOO MUCH STUFF"; no more emptiness?
+ Need to invent NEW routine/ schedule/ order
+ GENDER DYSPHORIA DOOM

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DIALOGUE WITH "ED"

What does your eating disorder look like to you?



What does the image of your eating disorder say about yourself?

+ If you make a mistake while eating-- if you do something wrong-- YOU become wrong & poisoned and you MUST GET IT OUT!!!
+ You are a greedy, ugly, sloppy, gluttonous PIG and you DESERVE to choke to death on your vomit/ starve to death. God is disgusted by you.
+ Food is sex. If you eat you are a slut and a whore. If you enjoy it you deserve to die. I will rip out your stomach if you even try to eat.

Write what "ED" might say to you now, and how you would respond.

ED:
This body HAS TO BE LIGHT & BONY. We need to have SHARP EDGES and NO UGLY ROUND SHAPES. A big heavy body is a PRISON. A "curvy" body is GROSS & EVIL & INTRINSICALLY PROMISCUOUS.
YOU:
A "big body" can also be a TANK or FORTRESS to FIGHT EVIL. "Curves" are NOT doomed to sexuality. THAT'S THE MEDIA'S LIE.

ED:
"We can't eat that food/ flavor; it's POISON/ EVIL/ BAD!!!" (especially "Sugar WILL KILL US")
YOU:
Food is intrinsically INNOCENT. It LITERALLY CANNOT "BE EVIL." Flavors aren't poison. Carbs & sugar aren't poison! They are NUTRIENTS your body USES. BUT YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT OLD/ SPOILED/ CONTAMINATED FOOD!!

ED:
"We must LIMIT our diet options to stay simple/ avoid overwhelm" (i.e. sticking to like... three foods)
YOU:
We STILL NEED NUTRITIONAL VARIATION TO BE HEALTHY! Yes, it's good to not go overboard with novelty; that IS foolish. BUT SO IS REFUSING TO TRY NEW THINGS.

ED:
"There are TOO MANY CHOICES and I can see a threat potential in ALL OF THEM. So I MUST either AVOID THEM ALL, OR EAT THEM ALL TO CHALLENGE THE FEAR."
YOU:
ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING IS DISTORTED! WHAT THREAT do you see? Pause & THINK IT THROUGH; it's probably NOT a REAL threat! STOP CHALLENGING FEARS BY FORCING. It will ONLY make unresolved/ unidentified fears WORSE, and IS WHY WE HAD SO MANY BINGES!!


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LONGER-TERM RECOVERY GOALS

One year from now...

+ To be able to freely & fearlessly share a meal with my family, AS-IS
+ To be a "regular" at a nice local restaurant
+ To have remodeled my apartment to feel safe & reflect my unique personality
+ To be able to play through the WHOLE first Suzuki cello book
+ To have FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE MORALIMON SPECIE/ TYPECODE SYSTEM
+ To be able to say, "I'm ONE YEAR CLEAR!!" ♥

Five years from now...

+ To have published at least two albums, even just online
+ To have published at least one book, WITH a barcode!
+ To have a website, even a little one
+ To have FRIENDS that ACTUALLY VIBE with my interests & religious beliefs
+ To be in a LEGIT orchestra AND choir, ideally
+ To have an established online creative presence & portfolio

Ten years from now...

+ To be ACTIVELY working in a creative "career"?
+ To get a song on the radio, or professionally recognized
+ To VISIT GIMMELWALD
+ To have at least one Leagueworld LEGIT PUBLISHED
+ To freakin' MARRY CHAOS 0 ALREADY, COME ON SONICTEAM
+ To be truly, totally grateful for life, the universe, & everything. ♥ Happy 42 kiddo!!

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THOUGHT/ EMOTION/ PHYSICAL SENSATION RECORD

Record T/E/Ps that bother you, then notice & record how you typically react to those T/E/Ps.

+ "I'm scared to eat sugar" = Avoid sugar if possible, even to extremes
+ Post-meal nausea = Dissociate, distract/ USED to immediately purge/ take meds
+ "What do I do/ What should I do" panic = List pros & cons; consider goals & motives; consult System
+ Environmental triggers = Try to escape or force change; if cannot, self-abuse or give in to E.D.; MELTDOWN, DISSOCIATE
+ Shame over "filthiness" = Try to clean self desperately; self-abuse if cannot; dissociate/ hide
+ "I have so much WRONG with me" = Dissociate entirely/ lose self-awareness OR self-abuse
+ "This food reminds me of trauma" = Try to avoid eating it; otherwise "force it" & dissociate HARD
+ Anxious "wanting to vomit" from nerves = Throw up; if impossible, restrict/ dissociate/ self-abuse
+ Despair over faults & sins = Hysterical crying/ moral panic; desperate prayer; may shut down entirely
+ Guilt/ shame over "cowardice" = Self-abuse; desperately try to change choice; force challenges
+ Physical trauma flashback = GET UPSTAIRS HELP OR YOU'LL WANT TO DIE!!

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EATING DISORDER RULES VS. RECOVERY RULES

E.D.:
"You cannot eat certain foods because they are evil!" OR "because they will poison you!!"
REC:
MARK 7:18-23!!

E.D.:
(SINCE I'm SCARED of everything,) "I MUST TRY EVERYTHING and I MUST LIKE IT"
REC:
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT DO THINGS!! You DON'T have to FORCE yourself to "EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING" in a twisted attempt to "please everyone" and NOT SAY NO!!

E.D.:
"If your body is big/ heavy, you will become CARNAL, animalistic and ABUSIVE"
REC:
G.K. CHESTERTON & SANTA CLAUS. Big bodies can be VERY VIRTUOUS!! It's about the SOUL, not the flesh! If your soul is beautiful, SO IS ANY BODY IT'S IN!

E.D.:
"YOU CANNOT HAVE SUGAR or it will give you diabetes and/or KILL YOU"
REC:
Sugar is a NUTRIENT that the body NEEDS! Eat it temperately, but DO eat it! Treated as MEDICINE, it CANNOT "kill you"!!

E.D.:
"I MUST ALWAYS choose the SCARIEST/ MOST DIFFICULT option; eating CAN'T BE EASY"??
REC:
This makes eating ABUSE, NOT NUTRITIVE!!! You ARE ALLOWED to LIKE foods AND to choose THEM regularly! Eating SHOULD be easy; it's not about "risk-taking"!

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RITUALS

List the ritualistic behavior associated with your eating disorder. Then create a plan for how to cope with these behaviors.

BEHAVIOR: Buying/ preparing food in specific numerical amounts; "pre-dividing" foods
COPING PLAN: buy & prepare according to EXCHANGES. That's a PROPER number to adhere to! DO NOT worry about "pairs" or "triads" or "parallel" amounts! DON'T freak out over "inexact" portions, esp. in storage! Learn to love numbers INDIVIDUALLY, not just "in a structure"?

BEHAVIOR: Forcing myself to eat foods my loved ones eat, over & over obsessively
COPING PLAN: Honor your loved ones in OTHER ways!! Art, music, journaling, prayer, etc. THEY ARE MORE THAN "FOOD," TOO!! Write about memories! Learn to accept that you CAN be different from them WITHOUT '"rejecting" them. Be UNIQUE, to allow THEM to think of YOU uniquely, too!!

BEHAVIOR: Having to take a fixed amount of time to eat, or a fixed number of bites/ pieces
COPING PLAN: Practice "altering" numerical goals-- try to "leave space" or "do less"? EAT WITHOUT LOOKING AT A CLOCK and see what your NATURAL timing is.

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive prep?? Wanting to just peel & CHOP UP tons of stuff, NOT even to eat
COPING PLAN: Figure out ways to "imitate" CHOPPING/ PEELING in NON-FOOD ways!! Determine WHAT about those actions is so "stimming"/ comforting! Volunteer at a food kitchen? Make food for OTHER FOLKS!! Find a CREATIVE HOBBY that involves similar precision/ clean force?

BEHAVIOR: Buying foods based on concepts, not on whether or not I even want to/ should eat it ("HAVE TO" motive)
COPING PLAN: IDENTIFY & LIST CONCEPTS. Find OTHER ways to meet them IF NEEDED-- first determine if that is a CHALLENGE/ COMPULSION!! Ask, "WHY do I "HAVE to" eat this??" It typically relates to #2! Remember: FOOD IS NOT "TRANSFORMATIVE." It CANNOT make/ unmake you!!

BEHAVIOR: NO "LEFTOVERS" ALLOWED; even in storage!! Next day MUST be a CLEAN "RESET"
COPING PLAN: Get comfortable with "UNFINISHED/ INCOMPLETE/ UNRESOLVED" things. Practice PATIENCE & HOPE? Remember, THE FUTURE EXISTS!! Challenge yourself to ONLY shop ONCE WEEKLY. LABEL leftovers with weekdays! BROADEN YOUR TEMPORAL PERSPECTIVE. NO "last supper syndrome"!!

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive eating of ALL broken/ deformed/ "incorrect"/ pieces of applicable foods
COPING PLAN: Let those pieces be. DON'T try to "precisely" portion out the bits! DON'T "PROJECT" REJECTION FEAR/ PITY ONTO FOOD; DON'T IMPOSE RIGID "PERFECTION" EITHER. Broken/ odd pieces DON'T "ruin the integrity" of the whole. Stop insisting on "flawless" aesthetics! Remember Japanese wabi-sabi art!!

BEHAVIOR: Eating ingredients ONE at a time, methodically, in small bites; chewing SUPER slowly
COPING PLAN: Practice taking bites of COMBINED ingredients, even just ONE, WITHOUT FREAKING OUT over "destroying/ interrupting the harmony" of pieces. Learn to value COMBOS AS ART; they're NOT "messes to be cleaned up & organized"!! Practice slowly decreasing chew time without feeling "rushed"; work up to a good pace.

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CHALLENGES TO HOSPITAL "SELF-SELECT" EATING

Identify any difficulties you may encounter in this process and make a coping plan.

CHALLENGE: Several "challenging" options; "must do ALL"
COPING PLAN: Choose the "rarest" appearance or "newest." LIST OTHERS & PLAN?

CHALLENGE: Talking during the meal
COPING PLAN: Clip your responses; DON'T PERFORM OR ENTERTAIN. Give DATA. Anchor INSIDE.

CHALLENGE: Limited/ cut time to eat
COPING PLAN: DON'T FORCE OR BINGE!! Chew thoroughly to prevent trauma response but don't drag; pace well!

CHALLENGE: Only available food options are "boorish" or "childlike"
COPING PLAN: DROP THE LABELS! Think in terms of NUTRIENTS! THAT'S the REAL goal!

CHALLENGE: Constant dissociation/ anxious distractions
COPING PLAN: TALK TO THE SYSTEM? Practice sensory grounding exercises!

★ OPTIONS ARE HIGHLY LIMITED; I'm "forced" to pick predictable options frequently as there's little else available. MY ALLERGIES ALSO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS-- most "dessert" options (mandatory) HAVE NUTS! I also CAN'T SAFELY pick bakery items for that reason; many have obvious nuts in/on them and I suspect a common prep area, so I CAN'T risk it!
★ "FORCING" HIGHGRADE FEAR FOODS WORSENS THE ANXIETY?? Because I USUALLY DISSOCIATE, and then I "HAVE to REDO IT"?? But my MOTIVATION IS DISORDERED: "I must force myself to endure this scary thing NOW & then it'll be OVER & DONE WITH." THAT'S TRAUMA TALK!! DO NOT REINFORCE THAT!! YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EXPOSE YOURSELF TO EVERYTHING!!! It's actually HEALTHIER for you to LEARN TO SAY "NO" AT SOME POINT-- AND RESPECT IT!! Right now your "no's" are FEARFUL & HYPERPROTECTIVE; BUT YOU STILL TREAT THEM ALL AS "CHALLENGES TO OVERCOME." THAT'S SCREWED UP, KIDDO!!!

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CHALLENGES TO RESTAURANT EATING

★ THE NOISE! // People seeing and/or watching me eat // Frequent direct interruptions of meal, often to talk // Expected to participate in active conversation // Limited, generalized menu options; can "panic" over lack of clarity & "whether or not it's safe/ allowed" // Close proximity seating // DISSOCIATING from "SOCIAL MODE"
★ ORDERING: Not obsessing over variations // Choosing INTUITIVELY, not "weighing pros & cons of every option" // Not "copying" or "imitating" others as "appeasement" // NOT choosing the HARDEST, LEAST POPULAR option "to be brave"

What is your plan for managing distress or anxiety?

★ My anxiety is centered around the CHOOSING, moreso even than the eating!
Fears include: "Will this make me sick?" "Am I allergic to something in this?" "I can't pick that; it's too easy." "That option sounds unappetizing/ makes me anxious; therefore I HAVE to choose it!" "I can't pick what I ALREADY know!"
To manage this: Choose WHAT YOU CAN ONLY GET AT THAT LOCATION. Let it be a unique experience! Choose an UNFAMILIAR option, but DON'T STRESS OUT if there are SEVERAL. The nurse recommended: pick the LEAST scary one FIRST; you've gotta LEVEL UP!! And DON'T TRY SO HARD IT TURNS INTO A BINGE. This is about NUTRITION! It's NOT WAR!! Let it be a gesture of CARING! Think of yourself in 3rd person if you must. Choose with CURIOSITY? NO "LAST SUPPER SYNDROME"!! There WILL be a "next time!" 

What was your reaction to your first attempt at eating in a restaurant during this program?

+ It was MUCH WORSE than I feared, actually! The portion sizes were HUGE, and we weren't allowed to leave leftovers or divide portions!! So it HURT to eat. I literally felt like I was going to pass out. BUT I PRAYED, AND I GOT THROUGH IT BY GRACE ALONE.

★ When eating at home, REMEMBER THE FAMILY HAS DISORDERED BEHAVIORS TOO!! Be wary & mindful; use coping skills & set a GOOD EXAMPLE of recovery!