too high a price to pay

 

 

 

so apparently there was a hack tonight

no idea how, no idea how, how

there were never this many people around after a hack before. central was there.
every retributor was there. razor was out. sugar tried for a moment. mulberry was out, with her sage smoke and prayers. no idea why she got tied to that, maybe in lieu of christina, i dont know

ashen was out, wreckage was there. jay was out, sobbing because he didn't know what the heck had happened but he didn't want this continuing again.
the worst part is that every single time it is DIFFERENT. we take precautions every time but new things keep appearing.
i read something once about this. how until something is really healed it will keep finding new outlets to bring itself to your attention. well what the heck do we have to do yet. we are TRYING to just "let this go" but dude that apparently is not working, maybe we're doing it wrong, we keep getting caught up in the bad old messages and fears, we keep hitting apathy, we keep locking ourselves out in the cold, disregarding our own heart.
but we're doing better. we're doing so much better. none of the old hacks work anymore. they have to try really hard to get through to us now. they have to be really cruelly sneaky and brutal now.
and that's kind of the problem


i have never seen laurie cry so much in my life.
when she gets really distraught she gets violent? she screams and breaks stuff. damages things. it's just this awful despair that crushes outwards. she just sobs, it breaks my heart, god i never ever ever want to see her so sad again, god,
lynne was there, jo was there, leon was there earlier, and nat, god it was so nice earlier today, we were all talking to each other, why did this happen tonight, why, what year is it even

but laurie was talking to leon at some point this afternoon, i dont know why, but she ruffled his hair and he spontaneously did the same to her. she stopped and gave him this look of surprise, he got nervous, "what did i do," she burst out laughing and said no one ever had the guts to do that BACK to her before, she thought it was hilarious. gave him exclusive rights to do that if he wanted. later nat came in, asked "are you messing up my boy's hair," she said maybe, nat said "then i'll mess up your boy's hair," did that to jay.

ran outside for 20 minutes today. ankle still hurts, sides still hurt a bit, but we're being careful.

still can't eat sugar or starchy things. but the body is overcoming the obligation now. we actively recognize that we don't like them and we are improving. only obstacle is "do we have enough calories" but really i think we're doing fine.

the mother made tiramisu for our younger brothers graduation and eros was commenting on that again, the whole subconscious looking for that texture/sweetness in spiritual matters? kind of sensory blending. he's well aware of the desperate need for affection the broken parts of us still feel, it's tied to his color, with a punch because his color is more 'passionate' than julie's and it's at a higher risk for misinterpretation and confusion. just wanted to say that he's still around
the "other eros" is still around too, rarely so, but he's there. it's so frightening that once a "bad" alter exists, even if their purpose is long gone, they can STILL be triggered out if we aren't careful, if that purpose is ever sufficiently reminded. it's awful. that's why we're trying to get closer to each other again, in the innerworlds, we're trying to cope better, trying to recuperate more.


what are we even doing now

i'm reviewing the entries from 2014 and 2013, making a tentative timeline so i have an idea what actually happened then
i had no idea there were so many reset attempts in 2013
and 2014 was a mess because that's the year we were trying to "join a community" on tumblr! and there were so many toxic people on there. also that's when we got the deluge of anons telling us we were fake, and a drama king, and basically a disgrace to the mental health community, etc. so that hit like a knife to the heart.
i bookmarked a few entries to review, and some to just re-read because they were really beautiful.
2014 had some really beautiful things in it. i'm so glad things like that happened so close to now, after the collapse in december 2013. it's hopeful.

i shouldn't be changing the topic though

there was a hack, it was awful, we don't even get warned anymore, we don't even feel anything now, in a sick way that's good that the body is so good at depersonalizing and numbing now that we DON'T get the horrific flashbacks that jeremiah used to have to buffer out. but also now the hackers can say "well we're not hurting anyone!" uh yeah you actually are, don't you DARE tell me no one is being hurt by this, look at us, look at all of us, we don't want this. YOU don't even want this. you're just "following orders" and i KNOW a lot of you hellish hackers are scared too when you feel a shred of self-awareness, there's DATA of that, there always is
but i swear
i swear to you, i swear by whatever blood is left in me
if you try this sort of thing again
if you do anything to make laurie cry like that again
i
i dont want to kill anything but
you are not allowed to exist here as that sort of person
you are NOT welcome here
you do NOT have permission to do what you are doing
if anyone gave you permission in the past, coerced or half-conscious or anything,
I REVOKE THAT RIGHT NOW.
GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR HEAD.
leave us alone.
leave her alone. leave the kids alone. leave me alone. leave all the innocents alone. leave us alone.
i swear if you try this again i will extricate you from our bones with my bare hands
i will claw you out even if it leaves me bloody and bruised
i will destroy whatever makes you evil
and if nothing is left after that, then so be it
we've lost nothing.


we've lost nothing.
no matter what you people try to do to us. or through us. or despite us.
you're terrible, you new ones
the old hackers attacked us consciously.
you people just screw around and don't care who pays the price for it
you are so deluded, don't you realize
you are so completely LOST
you are so lost.
you don't even know what you're doing, do you.


i tried to talk to jasmine earlier
i didn't realize she's been around since last august at least?? there was an entry i remember seeing that made me really really nervous, i knew that person was trouble, i didn't think she'd get this bad. but here we are
we'll get through it though

in 2011 julie was still hacking us.
in 2012 we had the tar-celebi to deal with.
in 2013 there were the constant reset attempts, and the old girls returning.
in 2014 i have no clue, i think that was all surreptitious hacks, using other people,
but the point is
we survived all that.
"this too shall pass."
all this stuff now WILL stop. it WILL. and WE WILL SURVIVE IT.

that's all the hope i've got for tonight but it's solid gold okay

we'll make it through this
we will.
i promise we will.

i love all of you in the system so much. so much.
god bless you all.

i am so sorry tonight happened.
but we lost nothing.
we were damaged, we were hurt, we were scared, we were bruised,
maybe we really were tainted.
but that still bleeds out.
they can't hurt us where it matters. they CAN'T. ever.

we lost nothing but this is a matter of justice, and fairness, and right actions,
this is a matter of respect and compassion and wisdom,
and those hackers don't have any of that apparently
so act from a positive standpoint
let's try that okay?
we can still be proactive, we can still be protectors and guardians, without losing anything first.
we don't have to suffer to have worth.
we don't have to be martyrs for our lives to have meaning.
that's kind of a daring redefining after all these years but hey
it's worth a shot.


i am so tired.
part of my heart is devastatingly sad
and with good reason.
my instinct is to be happy and snow-white and free BUT
i cannot ignore mourning that needs to happen.
i cannot ignore open wounds.
i cannot ignore pain that must be felt and healed with compassion.
i cannot ignore when 'negative' things happen because they're signposts for love that's missing


markus's song just started playing on spotify. i haven't heard this in months, if not years.
he was around the other day, when we were in the hospital. i didn't say that.
he didn't say much, he usually doesn't, he gets really nervous when other people are in crisis, he worries so much.
but his presence was so strong there. like he would have sat in that ER for six hours without saying a word if he had to, he wouldn't mind, he would stay because he cared. because it mattered. that's his sort of devotion. i love and miss him too


god this is so new and yet so old
it's nostalgic, its like a homecoming
all this old, true, bright, real stuff all of a sudden
old songs, old love, old hope, old faith
all of it
we are trying so hard to remember "who we were" before other people started trying to define that for us
i think that's why cannon's back. she had a surprisingly good grip on that.
but we're managing. we're doing well, all things considered.
i have so much hope
so much.


laurie i swear i am coming right upstairs and whatever you need me to do, i will do. i will be there for you. i am here for you now. i always am. just like you are for me. i love you. i love you, okay? i love you with all of my heart and i swear whatever you need me to do i will do.
i can already tell you're going to tell me "fight the hacks" and guess what, i will
i might be snow and sparkles but if THIS is what my admitted ignorance is doing, then to hell with it
i'll become a protector too. i'll pick up a sword again. a sword of light. and i'll cut through these shadows with it.


todd rundgren has a new song out, i heard it last night. "terra firma."
it reminds me so much of "afterlife" and "living" from his liars album, i love his songs like this
but it's already dear to my heart. it's already about our system.
this is what i want to follow, this is what i want to live, i need to stop grasping at everyone else's paths and never feeling fulfilled or true or happy, i need to just STOP and turn back inside. i need to just go home.

some lyrics for hope, for what its worth.

Though the minutes stretch to hours
And the hours stretch to days
Through the trials and tribulations
When it seems like I’m so far away
And it’s just too high a price to pay
There is one thing I can always say

Whenever I feel afraid
I put my faith in terra firma
And I’m never far away
Because you’re my terra firma

Whenever I feel alone
I come home to terra firma
A place I can call my own
Because you’re my terra firma



i will do everything i can.

 

 

may 30 2015

 

 

Ended up getting a hacker to hack themselves today. Not entirely by accident. I feel sorry for 'em really.
But it worked for Julie, I'm sick of this happening, so I told this kid, fine, do whatever the hell you want, but I am NOT letting you lose sight of what the hell you're doing for an instant.
And the kid was scared. This hacker, this actual kid, was scared and TOLD me they didn't want to be doing this, they didn't really want any of this, they were confused, and I let them KNOW that. I SHOWED them how they were being lied to. I TRIED to get them the heck out of there and they almost listened to me damn it, they almost did, but... they had a choice. And they made a choice out of fear and self-doubt and sick obligation but it was a choice.
Now they want to die and I don't know where the heck they went but...

Before all that I stopped them from committing suicide. They were trying. They found our gutting knife and they were about to use it for a pretty bloody similar reason. I had to throw the thing aside to get them to stop. Then the hack hell happened.
But now I now. At least one of these kids, this "androgyne" or whoever we were calling hir, they were only hacking because they were lost and full of despair and hopelessness. I wanna say self-hatred but it wasn't quite. The one who others call "Jess" has the self-hatred, but she's not a hacker, she's an abuser.

God what am I even doing. The body's sick, we're trying our best here, summer makes it hard.


Nienna was out today during church, singing. Jemma was fronting for a bit before that, not sure why her, but she was. Chocoloco was there. When Nienna came out she just gently nudged Jemma aside for a bit, was singing with an arm around her shoulders, Jemma said that was fine. There was a tangible "shift" from left to right when Nienna left, we haven't "felt" a switch that softly but strongly since Laurie yanked "Jewel" out of fronting back in SLC, and that was painful.
But it's interesting. Nienna cannnot/ does not talk unless she is singing. Specifically, she can't "sing" a conversation either; if she wanted to sing-talk it has to be applicable lyrics from existing songs? I have no idea, this is new stuff. Nienna's been getting a surprisingly solid anchor over the past few months, which is lovely, as when she first appeared we thought she would fade out quickly. Not so!
Christina was with them too, reading mass stuff in the innerworld (specifically the petitions). She still has that little chapel-crypt in the Underground levels, in the old areas where everything is mostly stone. It looks very very similar to the chapel in St Ann's locally... I'll have to take a photo of it when the novena starts soon. I love it there, it smells so profoundly comforting, all candles and wood and incense. That smell is "home," it's not motherly but it's that same sort of needed "belonging" feeling. I adore it. It's an amber-gold smell.
The black guy with dreadlocks was out again during mass too. I think his color is gold. He's all gold and crystal drops, no idea who he is but he's got a STRONG anchor, the System keeps trying to push a "J" name on him (meaning Core/Host rights usually) but it's not working? He might end up taking some old Host names. Who knows. But he's VERY real and very positive, he is deeply sweet and hopefully he can front more often. He has no "upstairs" awareness though, and socials like that (Jesse, ) tend to get acutely confused with body dysphoria and time gaps and stuff. They exist, but they have no way of really understanding what their current existence IS. So until those people tap into the upstairs, and come to terms with that reality, they fluctuate madly and may not truly anchor. That whole "I'm just one person in this body?" realization is a huge existential shock, some socials cannot cope with it and reject it. Those people usually become numb and/or abusive and that's sad. We really should focus on that problem soon, actually... we've never been clearly aware of it before and that is a big topic.
Almost forgot. Sherlock fronted too, near the end of mass. He got pulled in for some reason, and it was really clear, the memory data is super solid. He was just looking around at the light and the color and everything, thinking "so this is what it's like to exist out here?" and basically being awestruck by the tangibility of everything, of the odd solidity of the outerworld. He was tearing up a little.

Still having problems with floating voices and intuition. Mostly it's "good" floating voices now but they're too neutral. They just give simple orders and stand back, don't enforce anything. Someone told them we need Laurie instead and hopefully we can go back to headspace all the time instead of socials and floating voices. The latter is flat and empty and sad and abusive. The former is real and alive and helpful and hopeful. Being 'in the body' and listening to voice orders requires an annihilation of individuality and free will. It requires that there is no introsection or self-awareness. Because all your attention must go to constant obedience. So even if we're following good orders, we're miserable because we aren't really living? Is that selfish?
Can't we have a happy medium? Listen to that advice BUT live according to who we ARE? Can't we have color in our life? We just want color in our lif again. That's where the eating disorder is coming from. That's why people are refusing to listen to the floating voices who say "don't eat that, you'll regret it" or "fast for the rest of the day" because these young social fronters are frustrated and heartbroken and they say no, they eat anyway because even if they DON'T want it, they want to "eat" color. They want to FEEL some sort of sparkle in life. So it gets misrouted. They get confused. They end up getting horrifically sick and not understanding why because they don't realize it's food, they don't understand eating, they just want to put color back into their body. That's all.
Misrouting and mistranslation is probably the root problem of everything. It's our biggest, saddest fault.

Progress is being made, however quietly, however slow it feels. Big steps are still being taken even if the journey is long.