Nov. 13th, 2024

prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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ONLY setting a timer to delay disordered behavior, but NOT immediately REDIRECTING our focus to AWARENESS, only lets the stress "BOIL"? We CANNOT DENY the emotions that come up during this delay/ distraction; only to ALLOW for a time "SPACE" between to LESSEN the INTENSITY!
When we interrupt our behaviors, we notice feelings of FEAR, DISCOMFORT, DREAD, ANXIETY, PANIC, DESPAIR, TERROR, HELPLESSNESS

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS WE WON'T LET OURSELVES FEEL=
FAILURE, GUILT, SADNESS, OVERWHELM, POWERLESSNESS, INTIMACY, SEXUALITY, INCAPABILITY

✳ THESE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS have THREE CHAINED RESPONSES in our disturbed mind =
1. WON'T LET MYSELF FEEL IT;
2. BERATE MYSELF FOR FEELING IT;
3. REACT DESTRUCTIVELY & VIOLENTLY TO IT


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LABELING VS LEGALIZING FOODS = THIS IS HUMBLING & CONCERNING & MOTIVATING, TO REALIZE THAT (AS OF 1025) I AM APPARENTLY STILL LABELING SO MANY FOODS!! THE #1 WAY TO COMBAT THIS IS TO LET MYSELF EAT THOSE FOODS REGULARLY!! DO NOT FEED RESTRICTIVE BEHAVIOR HABITS OR MINDSETS! MOST FEAR ARE ONLY ROOTED IN AVOIDANCE/ NONEXPOSURE. The more we DO try them, the more FAMILIAR/ COMFORTABLE we'll get with them, & become OPEN & ABLE to TRULY ENJOY them!
We STILL have SWEEPING CATEGORIES OF FEAR FOODS (e.g. "ALL cheese, ALL meat, ALL sugar, ALL juice, ALL snack foods) and these are ANCIENT and I'M SICK OF THEM!!! WTF IS THE ROTTEN ROOT KEEPING THESE DISTORTIONS ALIVE??? (they're seen as inherently "unhealthy/ dangerous/ fattening) FIGHT THAT LIE TO THE DEATH. ROMANS 14:2 & 14:14!! HAVE FAITH IN GOD'S GOODNESS IN CREATING ALL FOOD!!!

"What judgments crept into your head as you made your list (of "liked" foods)?"
"Do I REALLY like this food?"
"Is it BAD if I DO like it?"
"Am I ALLOWED to like it?"
"What does liking this food say about my personality/ who I am? Will liking this CHANGE me into someone I'm NOT/ don't want to be?"
"If I DON'T choose this food option EVERY TIME, does that mean I DON'T actually like it/ that I'm LYING?"

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PURGING is a PANIC/ SURVIVAL/ GRIEF/ "WEEPING RAGE" RESPONSE. It seeks EMPTYING-OUT; even EXPECTORATION? "Something BAD/ PAINFUL/ SCARY INSIDE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF ME, NOW!"
✳ TYPICAL TRAUMA RESPONSE. It "FEELS LIKE SCREAMING."
Purging ALSO REQUIRES INTENSE MUSCLE STRAIN/ RELIEF in the ABDOMEN, which is WHERE WE HOLD BOTH "FEAR" AND "INFESTATION/ POISON" FEELINGS

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"SAFETY CRUTCHES" = "NUMB THE PAIN"; like a DRUG (HARMFUL/ ADDICTIVE)
✳ Identify PERSONAL examples; HOW to COMBAT/ CHANGE
ASK: "WHAT INTERNAL PAIN AM I AVOIDING?"
(SLC/ CNC TRAUMA; GRANDPARENT DEATH GUILT)
(THE EATING DISORDER IS A SAFETY CRUTCH!!!)

✳ We talk ABOUT our fear TOO much. What DO we deny? EXHAUSTION? TRIGGERS? (THAT'S WHAT WE DID AT RENFAIRE)

SOME POSSIBLE SAFETY CRUTCHES WE HAVE=
● LOTOPHAGOI DISSOCIATION
● ALLERGY PANIC; "IF I EAT THIS IT WILL KILL ME" CONSTANT WORRY
● OBSESSIVE NUTRITION/ DIET/ MACRO/ INGREDIENT RESEARCH
● WEIGHING FOOD? (EXACT, SPECIFIC NUMBERS "OR ELSE")
● OBSESSIVE HANDWASHING; "LADY MACBETH" CURSE FEELING
● "CLEAN" EATING SPACE/ UTENSILS OR ELSE "CONTAMINATED"
"RIGHT" CLOTHES & TOWELS; "NEED" TO WEAR CERTAIN OUTFITS
● EXACT TIMING & ORDER OF MEALS
PROCRASTINATING GOOD THINGS? NOT JOURNALING OR LEAGUEWORKING
● LIST MAKING, ESPECIALLY WITH MATH/ CALCULATIONS
● "MEDICATION SHOTS" "JUST IN CASE" (BENADRYL, TYLENOL)
● OVERCOMMITMENT TO HELP OTHERS; "NO TIME TO THINK/ FEEL/ BE MYSELF"
● REFUSING TO BE HELPED? FEAR OF "WRONGNESS"/ THINGS BEING "RUINED"
● CONSTANTLY ASKING FOR REASSURANCE? "AM I DYING?" "DO I LOOK SICK?"
● IMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR, ESP. COMPULSIONS = DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT/ LIKE

✳ I REALLY HAVEN'T "FELT" MY GRIEF AT ALL YET. ANXIETY CRUTCHES INVOLVE CONTROL AND GRASPING? TRAUMA/ FEAR CRUTCHES INVOLVE ESCAPE/ ABUSE ECHOING? (ironically they ALL FEED THE PAIN & PANIC)

"Describe a recent situation where you used a safety crutch to deal with your problems."
ANXIETY = running to stores to buy binge food (normally wouldn't even go outside), making obsessive "diet math" phone lists (for HOURS), keep seeking mom's reply (passive "did I do good?")
GRIEF = flat-out AVOIDED the topic/ REFUSED to look at it/ DENIED my emotion?? (GUILT/ SHAME/ ANGER at grief? "NO RIGHT"/ "YOUR FAULT")
TRAUMA = Turning my actions/ choices into APOLOGIES/ MIMICRY/ TRIBUTES/ RELIVING OF traumatic events; "MY LIFE IS STILL ALL ABOUT/ FOR THEM"; "abandon" self-agency & identity? "TRAPPED" in past; "POWERLESS"
✳ DISASSOCIATION kicks in AUTOMATICALLY every day. You HAVE to PRACTICE MINDFULNESS to "balance" this!

"Describe what you think might have happened had you not used a safety crutch."
I would INEVITABLY have to CATCH THE TIDAL WAVE HEAD-ON. These memories & emotions both WANT & NEED to be ADMITTED, ACCEPTED, FELT, & PROCESSED, but I keep fleeing out of the fear of drowning. HOWEVER, PROGRESS COULD FINALLY BE MADE if we just SIT DOWN & TALK/ FEEL IT OUT AS A SYSTEM!!!
✳ SAFETY CRUTCHES ONLY SEEM TO KICK IN DURING "SINGLET" MINDSETS BECAUSE THERE'S NO CONSCIOUS ACCESS TO THE "SAFETY" OF FAITH/ THE SYSTEM?? (CUT OFF FROM TRUTH/ LOVE!!)

"Did you ever try to stop using one of these safety crutches? What happened?"
YES. The anxiety SPIKES, BUT I NEVER HAD COPING SKILLS BEFORE. So it didn't last. BUT! I would REALIZE that I WAS using a crutch, and often WHY! I just didn't know what ELSE to do because the ONLY REAL OPTION was to ACCEPT REALITY & WRITE ABOUT IT, BUT my environment stressors made me feel like I COULDN'T, because it'd be "OPENING PANDORA'S BOX" and it WOULD change EVERYTHING & REQUIRE that I LIVE ENTIRELY DIFFERENTLY from then on. And we WANTED to, but "WEREN'T READY"?? And I think the eating disorder would've gotten WORSE? Because if we started PROCESSING the trauma FULL FORCE, we would've TOTALLY STOPPED EATING/ SLEEPING when it got bad? We NEEDED inpatient FIRST.



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RELAPSE WARNING SIGNS=
● Skipping meals or snacks ("excess"; "greedy;" "waste of time/ resources")
● Urges to restrict foods you previously enjoyed (GUILT + SHAME response; PENANCE for "LUXURY")
● Over exercising (especially WITH RESTRICTING; motive TO "lose weight" NOT "get stronger")
● Needing to be "perfect" (LOOKS AND BEHAVIOR; fear of SPIRITUAL corruption sign otherwise)
● Increased need for control (See "uncontrolled" body as a THREAT) ("TRAPPED"; "CAGED"; seen as "ABUSIVE")
Difficulty coping with stress ("SWALLOW" it; tend to "TAKE IN" overwhelm; LOSE "DISTINCT SELF")

MAIN TRIGGERS = SEXUALITY, VISIBLE BLOOD, SUMMER, THANKSGIVING, HALLOWEEN, TRAUMA EVENT ANNIVERSARIES, RUSHING/ NOISE, CROWDS, PEOPLE BEING SICK, TALKING WHILE EATING, EATING IN PUBLIC, CHANTED VOCAL PRAYERS, BEING TOUCHED, FEMININE SMELLS & VOICES, ETC.

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DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPACT PERSONAL/ ENVIRONMENTAL HYGIENE HAS ON YOUR MENTAL STATE!!
When I SKIP it I feel = depressed, dirty, wrong, subhuman, humiliated, want to cry? stuck, forlorn, miserable, powerless, trapped, despondent, etc.!! BODY SPEAKS TO MIND + POOR ENVIRONMENT
When I COMPLETE it I feel = accomplished, clean, clearheaded, refreshed, positive, dignified, comfortable

PROBLEMS=
● I haven't showered in months (outside of inpatient) because of trauma flashbacks/ physical burnout
● I OBSESSIVELY HANDWASH when anxious ("blood on hands")
● When burnt-out, I don't clean the apartment for longer periods of time/ don't wash laundry
● On my worst days I don't exercise and wear dirty clothes for over a week

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING...
✳ Get nonalcoholic mouthwash? Freshness "jumpstarts" desire to feel/BE clean all over
✳ Do ONE tiny thing, like wash your face or wipe the floor. It often gives me enough of a boost to do more.
✳ Leave laundry/ vacuum out where I can see it? "JUST DO IT" push; LAURIE WILL HELP!

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SITUATION THAT TRIGGERED ANGER=
1. Feeling "trapped" by the past because/ when mom keeps bringing it up & asking about it
2. Feeling "doomed" to do Partial aftercare, which requires being ON CAMERA for ~7 hours a day, with nonstop socializing & controlled meals

WHAT I DID=

1. Got defensive/ confrontational, responding coldly/ curtly, blaming her/ exaggerating the negative
2. Cursed, bit myself, yanked out my hair, almost vomited, SEETHED with rage/ fear, isolated myself in hallway

CONSEQUENCES=
1. No dialogue possible. Drives a wedge between mom & I. Hurts her. Corrupts me. Deep regret & shame.
2. Hurt self/ made self sick, didn't fix any problem. Made me feel like I "didn't care about" health? Miserable, scared/ ashamed/ lost.

NEXT TIME, I WILL=

1. Genuinely listen, state my confusion & fear, but also my respect/ TRUST/ love of her & willingness to dialogue/ understand
2. JOURNAL IMMEDIATELY? TALK TO A THERAPIST? And DIALOGUE with social worker? RISK IT ANYWAY?? Don't chicken out!! TRUST IN GOD & PRAY THAT HIS WILL BE DONE, then FOLLOW IT.

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IDENTITY ROLES=
CATHOLIC
ARTIST
MUSICIAN
AUTHOR
"QUEER"
MULTIPLE

IDENTITY QUALITIES=
INTELLIGENT
STRONG
INSIGHTFUL
IMAGINATIVE
COURAGEOUS
JOYFUL
LOVING

I DON'T really identify as DAUGHTER/ SISTER because I DON'T identify as "GIRL"


"ARTIST" IDENTITY
PROS= In tune with my passions & interests; love being creative; value beauty
CONS= Perfectionistic, competitive, "never good enough", "work is never done"
PERSONAL MEANING= Creator of new dreams & joys = speaks truths
SOCIETAL MEANING= Waste of time, meaningless, childish

"MULTIPLE" IDENTITY
PROS= I LOVE US ALL. Self-knowledge. RICH INNER LIFE. Spectrum soul. Deepest self-love. Purest joy.
CONS= TERRIFYING .Trauma cause. Self is "split up." Insane, scary, dangerous. "Broken." Not fit for society.

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BIGGEST "HURTS"=
● Not being TRUSTED to CONTINUE RECOVERY; ASSUME/ "DOOM" ME TO RELAPSE
● "ALWAYS" statements about eating disorder

THINGS I AM AFRAID MOM WILL SAY / MOST TRIGGERING STATEMENTS =
"So are you actually going to follow through on treatment this time, or are you just going to quit again?"
"Are you actually going to eat that or are you just going to throw up?"
"Now make sure you keep it down, I didn't pay for this food for you to waste it!"
"I don't know if I can trust you NOT to relapse"
"That treatment doesn't do you any good. You always go right back to your bad habits. You obviously don't want to get better."
"You look so much more FEMININE"
"You don't look like you're dying anymore! Now make sure you keep that weight on! Don't go right back to throwing up!"
"Well? How long until the hospital high wears off and you go right back to throwing everything up?"
"The treatment had better stick this time, because no one wants to deal with your shit anymore."
"Well, you LOOK healthier, but how long is this going to last before you go right back to your eating disorder?"
"So they fixed your weight, but how much did you hide from them about how sick in the head you are? That's why you can never get better; you never tell your doctors the truth. I think you WANT to stay sick/ you LIKE being sick."


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STRESSORS / TRIGGERS

● RUSHING
● LOUD NOISE
● FEELING HELPLESS
DIRT/ MESS/ DISORGANIZATION
● CROWDS
● FORCED INTERACTION
FAST PACED ACTIVITY
● TALKING A LOT
● BAD TEXTURES
● STRONG SMELLS
● "I DON'T KNOW"
● BLOCKED OPTIONS/ UNEXPECTED INABILITY
● SKILL INADEQUACY
● "BACKGROUND NOISE"
● TRAUMA FLASHBACKS
● BEING OUTSIDE AT NIGHT
● SUMMER HEAT/ SMELL
● "INTERIM PANIC"
● BEING PULLED INTO CONVERSATION
● BEING REFERRED TO BY NAME
● GENDER DYSPHORIA
● CERTAIN VOCAL SOUNDS
● FEELING ILL/ SICK/ "WRONG"
● ALLERGY PANIC
● STOMACH PAIN
● BEING LOCKED IN A ROOM
● CREATIVE SUPPRESSION
● OTHER PEOPLE PANICKING
● CHANTING
● BEING TOUCHED
● EATING AROUND OTHERS
● "I DID SOMETHING WRONG"
● BAD WEATHER
● WHINING/ COMPLAINING
● RUSHED SCHEDULES/ SUDDEN CHANGES
● NOT KNOWING THE DATA/ ANSWER
● UNRESOLVED PROBLEMS/ NO SOLID ANSWERS
● FAST DECISIONS
● NOT BEING ABLE TO FOCUS
● HAVING TO BREATHE SLOW/ HOLD MY BREATH
● PEOPLE STARING AT ME
● TELEVISIONS LEFT ON
● "TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF"
● "WHATEVER YOU WANT"
● CRYING
● FEELING UNSAFE/ TRAPPED/ LOST
● "SILLY" BEHAVIOR
● TRAUMA ENVIRONMENTS
● "HURRY UP"
● UNCLEAR/ NO INSTRUCTIONS
● FEELING LIKE I CAN'T BE "MYSELF"
EVERYTHING ROMANTIC/ SEXUAL


✳ INTENSITY OF STRESS RESPONSE STACKS ON TRAUMA + "DISCONNECTION"
✳ STRESS BOILS OVER QUICKLY INTO ANGER = STRESS IS FEAR
✳ STRESS FOR ME TYPICALLY ISN'T A "SLIDING SCALE." IT HITS IN WHAT FEEL LIKE TOTAL EXTREMES. IT ALL FEELS LIKE A SNOWBALLING EFFECT TO DISASTER. "NEVER JUST ONE"; TRAUMA RESPONSE

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"Insult the cake" mental flexibility assignment= meant to abstractly reveal what we think of AS insulting/ deserving OF insult


"You have too many layers"
"All that icing is so excessive"
"I wouldn't want to eat purple stuff, that's gross"
"You look like you came from a little girl's birthday party" (i.e. "GROW UP")
"You'll go straight to my hips"
"You're sickeningly sweet"
"I don't eat carbs, sorry"
"Sugar is poison, so no"
"I have no room for dessert"
"What do you think you're celebrating?"
"I don't like cake"
"Dessert is a hedonistic luxury"
"You have no nutrition to offer me"
"You don't count as real food"

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PROS/ CONS for CRISIS URGE = BINGE/ PURGE!!! THAT is the MOST DANGEROUS and the one we NEVER WANT TO GIVE IN TO EVER AGAIN!!

PROS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "Stops"/numbs the panic/anxiety attacks
● "Uses up time" that is unscheduled (chaotic)
● Opportunity to think/ listen to ICC lectures
● "Enjoy" food/eating; feel "satisfied"; "fun" (picking)
● "IGNORE/FORGET" the present moment stress?

CONS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "HELL NIGHTS," E.R. TRIPS, BETRAYING GRANDMA
● PERMANENT, possibly FATAL BODY DAMAGE
WASTES TIME, MONEY, FOOD, LIFE (BAD STEWARD)
● ABUSES body and DISHONORS GOD
● Feeds vice/ starves virtue; CORRUPTS VALUES
TRAUMATIC forcefeeding/ sickness/ vomiting
● DEATH, DESTRUCTION, DESPAIR

PROS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● KEEP NUTRITION/ BODY UNHURT/ GET TO REST
● NO WASTING; grow in DISCIPLINE & RESPONSIBILITY
● Grow in STRENGTH OF WILL, PATIENCE, COURAGE, ENDURANCE
TIME to do GOOD & CREATIVE things; LIVE MY VALUES
● STRENGTHEN virtue & body; preserve DIGNITY
● LIFE/ HOPE/ HEALTH/ COURAGE/ WISDOM

CONS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● Need to ENDURE crippling panic/ fear/ anxiety
● May feel nauseous/ sick/ overstuffed/ in pain
● May feel hungry/ unsatisfied; child "crying" protest
● Must find ways of RELAXING/ ENJOYING; NOT GUILTY
● No "rest or relief" from physical suffering


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PROS/CONS for "EATING ALL OF THE CHALLENGE ENTREES; NO CHANGES TO MENUS"

PROS =

COMMITTED TO 100%
● FACE CONSEQUENCES MANFULLY
● "I WON'T RUN AWAY"
● SET GOOD EXAMPLE
● TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MISTAKES
● GET TO FACE ALL THE FEARS
SEE JUST HOW I WENT WRONG
● "I CAN'T CHICKEN OUT"

CONS =
● TORTURE/ SELF-ABUSE
● BINGE BEHAVIOR; HUGE PORTIONS
● FEEL LIKE AN ANIMAL; "DEHUMANIZED"
● MAKES FEAR FOODS EVEN SCARIER
● TERRIFIED/ MISERABLE FOR THREE DAYS
● HIGH VOLUME MEALS INEVITABLE
WILL BE STORMED BY FLASHBACKS
● MISS OUT ON SIDE OPTIONS

PROS/CONS for "DO CHANGE MENUS & CUT OUT "FEAR" OPTIONS; REFUSE TO EAT 100%"

PROS =
PROPER EXCHANGES; OBEDIENT
● REDUCE FEAR/ ANXIETY/ DEPRESSION
● DON'T HAVE TO FORCE FLASHBACKS
● "NORMAL EATING"
● LEARN TO SAY "NO"/ "STOP"
● PROPER PORTION CONTROL
● NOT TORTURING BODY
● SENSE OF POWER/ FREEDOM

CONS =
● "RUNNING AWAY" FROM CHALLENGE
● REGRET MY COWARDICE
● HUMILIATED BY "SECOND-GUESSING"
● HAVE TO EAT TONS OF SIDES INSTEAD
● BROKEN COMMITMENT
● SCANDALOUS TO PEERS
● WASTING FOOD
● RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR

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PROS/CONS for "PUSHING MEALPLAN EXCHANGES WAY OVER LIMITS"

PROS =
● "PERFORM ABOVE AND BEYOND"
● "GET USED TO" LARGER PORTIONS
● GAIN WEIGHT FASTER FOR TREATMENT GOALS
● TRY MORE NEW THINGS
● USE FULL MEAL TIME
● "I CAN DO IT"

CONS =
● SUPER HIGH VOLUME
● BINGE TRIGGER
● COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR
● DISOBEYING INSTRUCTIONS
● MUST RUSH TO COMPLETE
● TYPICALLY HIGH IN LIPIDS
● GLUTTONOUS BEHAVIOR

PROS/CONS for "STICKING WITH THE LIMITS YOU'RE GIVEN"

PROS =
● FOLLOWING THE RULES
● SMALLER VOLUME MEALS
● GET USED TO EATING LESS
● MORE TIME TO ENJOY
● TEMPERATE BEHAVIOR
● LESS STRESS
● MEET THE CHALLENGE
● MAKE WISER CHOICES

CONS =
● "FOMO"
● "HUNGER" FEAR
● HAVE TO SAY "NO"
● TRIGGERS RESTRICTION
● LIMITS OPTIONS
● MAY FEEL "DEPRIVED"
● RESTRICTED CHOICES
● FEEL CONTROLLED

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PROS/CONS for "INTEGRATING ENTIRETY OF PERSONAL HISTORY; OWN IT ALL"

PROS =
● EVERY NOUSFONI CAN LIVE
● RADICAL SINCERITY
● OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN & PRACTICE REAL LOVE, MERCY, AND FORGIVENESS
● FINALLY HEAL THE TRAUMA
● WE CAN REMEMBER IT ALL
● WHOLENESS OF IDENTITY

CONS =
● WE MUST FACE ALL THE HORROR AND NOT DISOWN OUR FAILURES OR SINS
● MUST PROCESS DECADES OF TRAUMA
● POSSIBLE BREAKDOWNS
● REQUIRES TONS OF TIME AND EFFORT; TOTAL FOCUS
● YOU CANNOT RUN

PROS/CONS for "NO 'PAST'= CONTINUE TO DETACH & DISSOCIATE FROM THE TRAUMA, CHILDHOOD, HELL YEARS & JULIE DAYS; CUT 'NOW' OFF FROM THEN'"

PROS =
● "PURE" PAST
● FORGET WORST TRAUMA
● "THAT WASN'T ME"
● FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
● CONTINUED DISSOCIATION MAY BIRTH NEW NOUSFONI
● DETACH FROM GUILT/ SHAME
● SHUT DOWN FLASHBACKS
● "A WHOLE NEW PERSON"

CONS =
● LIVING A LIE, ULTIMATELY
● IN DENIAL OF REALITY
● UNINTEGRATED SELF
● "RUNNING AWAY"
● SO MANY NOUSFONI DENIED THE CHANCE TO LIVE & SPEAK
● MEMORIES STAY HIDDEN
● DISCONNECT FROM FAMILY
● NO HEALING PROGRESS

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PROS/CONS for "GOING TO PARTIAL WHETHER IN PERSON OR ONLINE & STICKING WITH THE PROGRAM"

PROS =
● CONTROLLED RECOVERY WORK
● OBEDIENT/ COMPLIANT/ COOPERATIVE
● GOOD EXAMPLE, GOOD CHARACTER
● LEARN NEW SKILLS
● GET FURTHER COUNSELING
● INSPIRE & BE INSPIRED BY OTHERS
● ACCOUNTABILITY FIGHTS RELAPSES
● PREVENTS SLOTH & ISOLATION

CONS =
● NO SCHEDULE FREEDOM
● TAKES UP MAJORITY OF DAY
● MAY BE ON CAMERA FOR HOURS
● NOISY, STARING AT MEALS
● POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING
● CONTROLLED MEALPLAN
● "INFECTS" HOME ATMOSPHERE
● MENTALLY EXHAUSTING

PROS/CONS for "REFUSING TO GO OR COOPERATE, DROPPING OUT AND/OR QUITTING"

PROS =
● TOTALLY FREE SCHEDULE
● I DECIDE MY MEALTIMES & MEAL OPTIONS
● QUIET, ALONE TIME AT HOME
● "PRESERVE MENTAL HEALTH"
● FOCUS ON CREATIVE WORK
● ABLE TO SAY "NO"
● ABLE TO FOCUS ON ME
● NO CONSTANT ANXIETY ABOUT NEXT DAY

CONS =

● "REFUSE TO COMPLY WITH TREATMENT"
● SCANDAL AGAINST CHARACTER
● HIGHER RISK OF RELAPSE
● NO "TRANSITION" PERIOD
● ISOLATION RISK
● NO NEW LEARNING OF SKILLS/ INFORMATION
● THERAPISTS/ DOCS/ FAM WILL BE VERY UPSET
● YOU WILL REGRET IT

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PROS/CONS for "ACCEPTING THAT THE WORLD WON'T CONFORM TO MY MORALS/ COMFORT; TRIGGERS ARE UNAVOIDABLE"

PROS =
● CAN FOCUS INSTEAD ON MANAGING EMOTIONAL RESPONSE & COPING SKILLS
● IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS, NOT YOURS
● CAN TAKE A STAND WITHOUT BEING CRUEL
● ALLOWS FOR MERCY
● FOCUS ON OWN MORALS
● SET A HOLY EXAMPLE

CONS =
● GRIEF, RAGE, DESPAIR RISK AT MORAL CORRUPTION
● MAY BECOME MORALLY LAX
● RELATIVISM RISK
● THREATS EVERYWHERE
● RISK OF CHRONIC DISSOCIATION
● MAY STOP FIGHTING
● BLINDED TO POSSIBLE CHANGE

PROS/CONS for "REJECTING THE FREE WILL OF OTHERS & DEMANDING THAT YOU BE 'CATERED TO' MORALLY & MENTALLY; 'DON'T DO SUCH THINGS'"

PROS =
● REFUSE TO TOLERATE MORAL CORRUPTION
● "FIGHT AGAINST EVIL"
● SEEKS JUSTICE
● MORAL STANDARDS
● ASSERTIVE OF MORAL OBJECTIVE TRUTHS/ DOGMAS
● MINDFUL OF OWN TRIGGERS & RISKS

CONS =

● TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS
● DOESN'T ACTUALLY PREVENT TRIGGERS OR FLASHBACKS
● INCONSIDERATE OF THE UNIQUE SITUATIONS OF OTHERS
● UNMERCIFUL
● NO MORAL STRENGTH
● PUT MYSELF IN GOD'S PLACE
● PROUD

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PROS/CONS for "I CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT; ACCEPT DENIALS & LIMITS IN LIFE; ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES & TAKE WHATEVER IS GIVEN GLADLY"

PROS =
● BUT YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED!
● OPEN TO ADVENTURE
● INCREASES CAPACITY FOR GRATITUDE & HUMILITY
● FIND MERIT IN UNEXPECTED
● FLEXIBLE, ADAPTABLE
● FIND JOY & FUN IN SURPRISE
● POWER TO MAKE IT ALL GOOD

CONS =
MAY START DENYING WANTS
● TRIGGER FOR COMPLAINING
● FUELS "SERVANT" MINDSET
● MAY START SUPPRESSING ASSERTIVENESS
● RISK OF CRUSHING PREFERENCES
● MAY TRIGGER POROUS BOUNDARIES

PROS/CONS for "RESIST, PROTEST, GRUMBLE, COMPLAIN, INSIST ON GETTING MY WANTS EVEN IF ITS RUDE; REFUSE TO COMPROMISE OR SETTLE"

PROS =
● "ASSERTIVE"
● "I KNOW MY WANTS"
● ABLE TO SAY "NO" & STAND UP FOR SELF
● SUGGESTS AN UNDERLYING PASSION FOR JUSTICE
● "SECURE" OUTCOME TO MY PLANS & EXPECTATIONS
● SENSE OF CONTROL

CONS =

● ARROGANT, ENTITLED
● RIGID EXPECTATIONS
● NO NEW EXPERIENCES
● UNGRATEFUL
● UNCOOPERATIVE
● NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE
● SELFISH, CHILDISH
● "MY WILL BE DONE"
● INFLEXIBLE, UNABLE TO ADAPT
● DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS AND REPUTATION

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"Write a brief imaginary two-way conversation between yourself and a person you trust/ consider a mentor, where the two of you discuss a significant problem you are struggling with. How do you imagine they would respond?"

ME= Father P., I am struggling immensely with my gender identity. I know my body is female but I have never felt happy, safe, or comfortable with it. What do I do about this? The inner conflict is agonizing.

FR.P= We all have our particular cross to carry, and this is yours-- along with being gay, as you have also told me. It isn't a sin to have these difficult feelings. It is only sinful to ACT on them, as they are contrary to nature.

ME= I understand that and ironically that's why this is so difficult. Father, I HAVE acted on these feelings before, as you know. The problem is that I STILL WANT TO, and the thought of having to live as a woman, abandoning all hope of "gender therapy," is a nightmare.

FR.P= That desire to be another gender might never go away. It might never get easier to handle. And yes, it might make you truly miserable, even angry. But a cross always hurts to carry. This isn't some sort of torture from God. This is a means to make you a saint.

ME= Father, deep down I realize that. And it does give me hope. But I cannot deny the anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be female. I'm scared. It disgusts me. I don't know how to live as a woman and I don't understand "other" women and I feel like an alien. I can't "turn off" this aversion.

FR.P= Maybe you can't. But that's where prayer comes in. You have to trust that God does not want you to suffer like this. There's nothing wrong with being a woman, although I understand you cannot accept that for yourself right now. Can you accept it for others? Is this bigger than just you?

ME= You know what? It really is. I've internalized this corrupt belief that to be a woman is to be sexual, to be defined by that and even doomed to it. I hate it. I hate sex and when I look at the new curves on this body and feel this disturbing soft roundness I want to rip it to shreds, to rip it off of me & leave only the pure fleshless sexless bones.

FR.P= You need to bring this to therapy. There is so much more going on that I cannot help you with, but a professional can. And God WILL help you through them. But you must be completely honest, and you have to trust in God's plan no matter what. He can turn even this into a means of sanctification.

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PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
● I DO NOT LIKE BEING TOUCHED! (ESPECIALLY "LIGHT TOUCH")
● I need a small distance between me & others? ESPECIALLY WHEN FACING EACH OTHER. If I'M behind someone, the distance often CLOSES; I love closeness BUT NOT DIRECT ATTENTION.
● Please do not pick up/ move/ look through my belongings, ESPECIALLY my tablets & folders. (Clothes/ HBC doesn't bother me much?)
● Please DON'T SIT NEXT TO ME.
● I have the right to PRIVACY in MY OWN APARTMENT.
● I AM allowed to ask for closeness when I DO want it.

INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES
● My creative ideas/ worlds mean everything to me. Please respect them & listen sincerely. If you're NOT interested, TELL ME. Don't make me talk about my soul to a wall.
● Do not tell me I'm "hallucinating"/ "imagining things"/ "delusional"/ "confused" etc. WITHOUT VALID EXPLANATION.
● I NEED DIALOGUE. No passive-aggression or "smile & nod" silence. BE HONEST & OPEN with me.
● I have a right to refuse to engage in hostile arguments.
● I have a right to freely express & assert my opinions.
● I have a right to change a topic I feel is inappropriate.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
● Please DO NOT openly discuss self-abuse & trauma with me IN DETAIL, UNLESS we're in MUTUAL DIALOGUE and I ASKED to know.
● I have the right to express real emotion and NOT be shamed, punished, shut down, mollified, or coddled. Do NOT treat me as a "little girl."
● I have the right to RESPECT for my emotions, NOT IGNORED or BRUSHED OFF.
● I have a RIGHT to be OPEN & HONEST about what I feel.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
● I AM A CELIBATE ASEXUAL AROMANTIC and that MUST be honored. NEVER TRY TO "CONVERT" ME.
● I will NOT tolerate sexual language, jokes, or topics.
● NO "PET NAMES"
● NO "FLIRTING"
● NO comments on "beauty" or "attractiveness"
● NO euphemisms or "feminist" lewdness
● I have the right to request MUTUAL MODESTY & PURITY, especially in dress

MATERIAL BOUNDARIES
● I have the right to NOT let you "look through" my creative tablets & folders.
● I have the right for my possessions to be kept clean & undamaged
● I have the right to OWN things, and NOT "have to" give them away/ sell them/ "sacrifice" them
● I have the right to spend my money on self-care and enrichment, not just survival
● I have the right NOT to share intimately honest possessions (books, musical instruments, plushes)

TIME BOUNDARIES
● I NEED SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF "ALONE TIME," EVEN WHILE IN A ROOM WITH OTHERS.
● I have the right to quiet, still, peaceful time
● I NEED  that time to EAT. Please honor this!
● I have the RIGHT AND NEED to take DAILY TIME to journal, self-reflect, and do creative work
● I NEED time to PRAY at SPECIFIC TIMES (Liturgy, Divine Office, etc.) and I have the RIGHT to do so.
● I HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP

SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES
NEVER PREVENT OR HINDER ME FROM GOING TO MASS/ ADORATION, OR FROM PRAYER!!
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to witness openly to the Truth of the Catholic Faith in word & deed at ALL times.
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to DEFEND that Faith with respect, yet fidelity. I WILL NOT BE SWAYED OR SILENCED.
● I have the right to practice the rituals & Sacraments of my faith, and to seriously request access to them.

LANGUAGE BOUNDARIES
● Please DON'T use "absolutes" or "leading questions" (UNTIL I get a stronger self-concept; these really disturb me)
● DO NOT "BABYTALK" ME. No "aww!"s or "yay!"s or "good job!"s, etc. NO "feelgood" babble. I am neither an infant nor a pet.
● DO NOT ASK ME "ARE YOU OKAY?" (unless it's PRECEDED by a casual modifer such as "dude," "kid," "hey man," etc.; this changes the entire tone)
● DO NOT USE "FEMININE" TERMS WITH ME (girl, woman, babe, honey, chica, lady, etc.)
● DO NOT KEEP SAYING "I'm sorry"; "Am I annoying you"; "Whatever you want"; "I don't know"; etc.!! ALL "cowering" language STILL triggers my RAGE RESPONSE and I cannot turn it off; this is for BOTH OUR SAFETY.

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BLOATING TOLERANCE EXERCISES

1) BLOATING IS TEMPORARY AND IT IS NATURAL. "THE FOOD HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE." It ISN'T PERMANENT, DISFIGURING, OR A SIGN THAT "SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG/ YOU DID SOMETHING VERY WRONG."
2) Bloating is NOT a "sign of gluttony" or "carnal lasciviousness"!! FOOD ISN'T PARASITIC OR A CURSE OR AN INVADER. EATING ISN'T A SIN.
3)  A LARGE STOMACH ISN'T SHAMEFUL. It's NOT a "marker of sin"!! IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU UNWORTHY OF LOVE OR RESPECT OR HAPPINESS.

✳ "touch exposure" is SO DISTURBING to me
✳ we get "mirror exposure" anxiety EVERY SINGLE NIGHT
✳ immediately after these exercises the SHAME is DEBILITATING
✳ after 2 hours there is NO DECREASE IN ANXIETY; IT'S STILL HUGE
✳ after 10 days of these exercises IT'S TURNING INTO NUMB DESPAIR
✳ THE ANXIOUS SHAME-TERROR ISN'T GOING DOWN BECAUSE I STILL BELIEVE THOSE  THREE DISTORTIONS!!

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QUESTIONING EATING DISORDER THOUGHTS

"Disodered thought = "To be happy/ healthy, I need to weigh ### pounds.""

HAPPY = DEFINED BY OTHERS!
HEALTHY = STRICT/ CONTROLLED; "PURE," "FASTING/ MORTIFICATION"; "HOLY" EMPTINESS. NO LUXURY/ EXCESS/ "FUN" FOOD; (SIN) "ASCETIC"; ONLY THE MINIMUM?
("FLESH at WAR with the SPIRIT")
✳ Heaviness = PRIDE? "CAN'T BE HAPPY" (SELFISH)
WEIGHT = ALWAYS a "LOWER" number; ironically being "SELF-ERASURE"; "happy" when I DON'T EXIST because "I'M" "NOT ALLOWED" TO "TAKE UP SPACE" AS MY OWN PERSON =  "MY HAPPINESS TAKES AWAY FROM OTHERS"? "Happy" when I'm SERVING/ USEFUL (NOT IN ANYONE'S WAY; "SMALL")
↑ I feel like I'm NOT SEEING THIS RIGHTLY? All I'm sure of is that "COMPULSION TO DISAPPEAR"???
✳ "the THINNER my BODY is, the MORE my SOUL can be FELT/ can LIVE" (ZERO SUM GAME)

"Alternative thought = "micromanaging my weight is a waste of time.""
MICROMANAGE = Attempt at MORAL discipline??
TIMEWASTE = HUGE SIN!!

"Disordered thought = I'm not hungry, so I don't need to eat.""
MUTING "NEEDS"!! "REDEFINING/ DENYING" WHAT "COUNTS" AS HUNGER
✳ "IT ISN'T A "NEED" IF I CAN STILL MANAGE WITHOUT IT"; "HOW FAR CAN I PUSH THIS?"
✳ "NO MERCY"; NO "PREVENTION"; ONLY "DISASTER MANAGEMENT"; THE STORM "HAS TO HIT" BEFORE IT'S "REAL"
ONLY CONSIDERING A "NEED" ALLOWED TO BE MET WHEN IT'S CAUSING UNDENIABLE HARM IN CONSEQUENCE OF BEING IGNORED/ SUPPRESSED; "CAN'T DENY IT ANYMORE" (ONLY eat when nearly STARVED)
✳ "MINIMUM" (again); keep body monster CHAINED

"Alternative thought = "I need to eat regularly so I can restore my hunger and fullness cues.""
SCARY; feel "controlled BY the body" (HELPLESS/ TRAPPED) and it feels like a MINDLESS ANIMAL (WILD/ DANGEROUS)

"Disordered thought = "My anxiety gets worse if I don't count calories.""
Calories seen as AMMO??
✳ FEAR that if I'M NOT "AUTHORIZING" EVERY CALORIE THAT IS "ALLOWED"/ "LET" INTO THE BODY, it's POISON/ INVASIVE??? (DEATH) FEAR OF UNKNOWN "TAKING OVER" BODY? INGESTION OF "TOO MUCH"/ "WRONG FOOD" results in SELF-CORRUPTION/ LOSS OF CONTROL/ IDENTITY??
✳ ALL ABOUT CONTROL = "DON'T TRUST FOOD OR MY BODY"??

"Disordered thought = "I'm fat. I hate my body. I don't deserve to eat.""
(SELF-DENIAL EXTREME) (TIES INTO "NEED" CRUSHING)
WHY IS "FAT" "HATEFUL"??? WHY "MUST" IT BE STARVED TO DEATH???
✳ Seeing "FAT" as a "SIN" that must be PUNISHED & EXPUNGED = sees FOOD/ EATING as the "MEANS OF SIN"
✳ "DON'T DESERVE TO EAT" = THIS FRAMES EATING AS SHEER INDULGENCE???
IT ALSO
MAKES EATING NOT A NEED BUT A PRIVILEGE"; in IRONIC CONTRAST to eating ALSO being a DANGER/ SIN (IRRATIONAL CONFLICT)

"What is one thing that YOUR eating disorder often tells you?"
"ALL food is potentially lethal (allergy). Every meal is a suicide risk."
"Food is sex. Eating is rape."
"You ARE what you eat. Eat the WRONG things, and they will REPROGRAM YOUR IDENTITY."
"The fatter you get, the less room there is for your soul. The food will take over you like a parasite." (suffocate)

"What could be a healthy alternative thought that you could say in response?"
"ALL food is INHERENTLY NOURISHING."
"Every meal KEEPS YOU ALIVE."
"NOT eating WILL KILL YOU, NO EXCEPTIONS!!"
"You ARE what you eat, and IT ALL IS IN GOD. It starts in LIGHT and is SHARED all the way to YOU. Eating is a PRIESTLY act!!"
"YOUR IDENTITY IS UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE IT WAS MADE BY GOD AND DEFINED BY HIM. And food is FROM Him. Who you ARE can only be SUPPORTED by the food that GIVES HEALTH & NUTRITION TO YOUR BODY-- the VEHICLE for FULFILLING your PURPOSE here!!"
PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON SIZE = YOUR SOUL FILLS YOUR WHOLE BODY. ALL OF THOSE CELLS BELONG TO IT! Besides... with ALL your nousfoni, maybe you "NEED" a bigger body to "fit" them all!

"What would you say to a friend if they talked to themself this way?"
This would BREAK MY HEART. At my worst I have BRUTAL eating disorder thoughts, and they're TERRIFIED. I don't want ANYONE ELSE to suffer from these DISTORTED, EVIL LIES. In TRUTH I KNOW FOOD IS GOOD AND ALL BODIES ARE SACRED. And THAT'S what I would emphasize to a friend. I would USE SCRIPTURE for supportive proof, and FOCUS ON CHRIST/ ETERNITY where LOVE REIGNS.

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✳ BEHAVIORS TO REPLACE= BINGE-PURGING, HYPERRESTRICTING, EXTREME FOOD AVOIDANCE/ FEAR, JUDGING BODY SHAPE, "ALL OR NOTHING" EXERCISE/ EATING IN GENERAL

"What thoughts go through your head when you eat a fear food or challenge food?"
FEAR= "THIS WILL KILL/ POISON/ INFECT ME"
CHALLENGE= "I CAN DO THIS"
✳ FEAR foods are TRAUMA foods; fear of DEATH; PANIC/ HORROR
✳ CHALLENGE foods are met by DETERMINATION; gratitude, even joy (freedom)
✳ "FEAR" foods CAN be "preemptively" CHANGED (POTENTIALLY) to CHALLENGES by MENTALLY REASONING THROUGH the terror response BEFOREHAND?? This at least can ENABLE us TO challenge them, and NOT just AVOID!

"What thoughts go through your head when you step on the scale or look in the mirror?"
SCALE= "is that FAT or MUSCLE or WATER weight?"
MIRROR= "too much EXCESS" "I need to TONE UP" "I look lazy and undisciplined" "I NEED to get STRONGER" "I CAN'T LOOK LIKE [insert name here]"

"In the past, how have negative thoughts about your food/body affected the way you eat/exercise?"
EAT= KETO. FASTING. "Only CLEAN food." Minimal portions so I don't "get round or soft."
EXERCISE= 2 HOURS cardio daily. Afraid to sit down or sit still. "Doesn't count unless it HURTS."

"What are eating disorder thoughts?"

Thoughts that see FOOD as DANGER, and the BODY as a PRISON (DEVIL'S LIES!!)
They focus on PAIN/ PUNISHMENT/ LACK, NOT HELPING/ HEALING!!

"Distorted thought = "I'm going to gain ### pounds from eating that.""
WHY IS WEIGHT SO FEARED?? (tied to VICTIM vibe? "TRAPPED"; SUFFOCATE??)
✳ Seeing food as INERT matter, NOT NOURISHMENT. Weight seen as BAGGAGE, not WEALTH? "More of the world in you to OFFER in PRAISE"

"Distorted thought = "I can't eat that unless I exercise for ### minutes.""
✳ Not realizing that CALORIES are ENERGY to LIVE and your body USES THEM to EXIST; this example is a "POVERTY MINDSET"? "NO SURPLUS/ ABUNDANCE ALLOWED"; rejects the FUTURE in a sense? THIN = FAMINE = NO FOOD/ LIFE. A starved body isn't free to TAKE IN OR GIVE/ SHARE LIFE? Food as enemy = unable to FEED OTHERS (LOVE)

"Distorted thought = "I need to track my calories because I can't trust my body.""
✳ "I will only ALLOW you to eat so much (amount or kind) REGARDLESS of objective NUTRITIONAL NEED" = TO DO WHAT GOD MADE IT TO DO-- TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

Distorted thought = "Food is a foreign body"
Alternative thought= "Food is MADE for my body"

✳ WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FULLY HEAL THE EATING DISORDER MINDSET + FEELINGS UNTIL WE ALSO HEAL THE SEXUAL TRAUMA. THAT'S WHERE THE "FOOD = INVASION" FEAR IS ROOTED!
✳ WHAT'S THE ROOT FOR BODY FEELING TERROR (belly rolls, double chin, midsection bulge)??? = "TRAPPED/ HELPLESS" "SUFFOCATION/ CRUSHED" feeling: HOW'D IT START AND WHEN?? (WERE WE EVER THIS FAT/ BIG BEFORE UPMC? OR IS THIS FEAR FROM THE BODIES OF OTHERS?)

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FOOD OBSESSION = "TOO MANY CALORIES" = see calories as something TO be rigidly controlled/ limited? Like ANY excess WILL "become FAT" and FAT = "FOREIGN BODY"
SHAPE OBSESSION = Not numbers but STOMACH SIZE/SHAPE. "Bloated/ distended"; "UNNATURAL"/ "PARASITIC"?? "Something IN/ ATTACHED to me that DOESN'T BELONG"; "HINDERING" LIFE & FREEDOM of movement? "SICK"? Like a TUMOR

In order to let these obsessions go, I need to...
✳ See food as LIFE-GIVING NOURISHMENT to be RESPECTED & STEWARDED & USED WITH WISDOM & GRATITUDE
✳ Redefine "fatness" of body; distinguish it from lasciviousness; it is NOT "in opposition" to strength & health
✳ Meet my "hunger" in different ways/ LEVELS; feed my SOUL/ MIND/ HEART every day too!
✳ Realize that food/ fatness of body are NOT "cancers" to be controlled or purged or "burned away"
✳ ACCEPT & even EMBRACE the FACT that MY BODY IS FEMALE & IS DESIGNED TO hold more fat
✳ STOP BASING MY SELF-WORTH ON STRENGTH/ POWER/ UTILITY/ AMBITION/ MASCULINE VIRTUE (BOTH FEAR OF WOMANHOOD/ FEMININITY)
✳ LIVE ETERNITY-MINDED. No matter HOW my body looks/ feels, IT WILL DIE AND I MUST LIVE WITH MY PRIORITIES SET ON HEAVEN!!

Describe what you are scared of and detail how you try to control these situations.
✳ FEAR OF "ADULT/ WOMAN BODY"!!! But it's REJECTING REALITY. Starve = stay a child. Purge = reject "unwanted bigness"?? (DO I ASSOCIATE FOOD/FAT WITH MOM??)
✳ I am actually SCARED of feeling WEAK & TRAPPED. When my body is THIN & SCRAWNY & UNDERFED, I feel UTTERLY POWERLESS and it's TERRIFYING... but when my stomach is full of food & bloated OR "fat" & sicking out, and that "extra body matter" makes it hard to bend or move or even breathe, THAT'S terrifying too, BUT not as much?? Because it at least means I HAVE STRENGTH FROM FOOD? Unfortunately the bulimia tried to "keep me thin" BUT "still eat." It didn't work.
✳ "Only eating certain "pure" foods" out of "poison/ corruption" fear, afraid of "becoming" "BAD" that I labeled foods as?
✳ CONVINCED of ALLERGIES & INTOLERANCES; convinced they would KILL me; ironically the eating disorder was LITERALLY destroying my body by NOT eating food
✳ Scared that FAT = WEAK? Ironically THIN = WEAK really. ALSO fearing FAT = EVIL? Societal lies! There's TONS of evidence of FAT = GOOD, EVEN IN SCRIPTURE! (but MOTIVE/ MEANS MATTER TOO, EVEN WITH THINNESS!!)

What works and what doesn't work about your current approaches?
✳ Bulimia is an "emergency exit" for "eating too much/ poison fear" but it SOLVES NOTHING. It only REINFORCES THE FEAR & DESTROYS MY BODY. It "kept me thin" but AT THE COST OF MY MUSCLE & STRENGTH. It turned me into a SKELETON.
✳ NOT EATING DOESN'T HELP. It STARVES my body & it STARTS TO EAT ITSELF ALIVE. I have NO STRENGTH to LIVE.
✳ My current exercise routing NEEDS TO INCLUDE WEIGHTLIFTING. It's the ONLY WAY I'm going to get "buff." Cardio is great & necessary but it's NOT going to STURDY UP MY SHAPE. Plus, the more muscle I get, the LESS afraid I'll be TO eat!!
✳ I CAN'T LIVE. There's NO TIME, STRENGTH, OR DESIRE LEFT TO DO BEAUTIFUL, POSITIVE, CREATIVE THINGS. All my fear about "how I look & feel" and my efforts to CONTROL that are a PRISON; I'm stuck in a LOOP of self-centered DESTRUCTION & MISERY.


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prismaticbleed: (worried)


(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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"On a day-to-day basis, I'd like people to try to:"
✳ RESPECT me enough to be STRAIGHT with me = DIALOGUE
✳ BE HONEST & DIRECT YET COMPASSIONATE. Please DON'T be "softshoeing" or "inoffensive" but DON'T THROW DARTS at me either?
1. Respect my need for distance/ quiet/ stillness, while still kindly allowing me to be welcome & feel wanted in nearby company
2. Respect my innate plurality, as it affects how "I" speak & behave & think, and if it is denied/ rejected/ ignored, so is the TRUTH of my life AND the "REAL" me
3. Give me at least feedback, if not dialogue, when I speak. I may ramble, but I'm not monologuing. I'm sharing my thoughts WITH you because I trust I CAN tell you.

"When you see that I'm upset about something, please try to:"
1. NOT touch me! That will unsettle/ scare me more. I need space, but NOT abandonment. Help me get AWAY from crowds/ noise/ business so I CAN calm down/ think/ communicate.
2. NOT stare at me or "put the focus" on me. Stay "accessible" if I need help but don't FORCE "help" on me? All that attention/ FUSS makes me feel TRAPPED/ IN DANGER/ IN TROUBLE.
3. ASK CLEAR & "SEARCHING" QUESTIONS. Not "are you okay?" but, "hey, talk to me. What shook you up so bad?" EVEN if I'm OTHERWISE "unable to respond," I/ WE CAN STILL "GIVE DATA"? That's "GROUNDING" & helps me "GET BACK TO MYSELF."

"When you say "you DO/ you WILL/ you ALWAYS/ you FEEL" etc. to me, I feel SCARED, ANGRY, SAD, & "TRAPPED" because I assume YOUR words override my own experiences, and I "can't say no" to "truth." In the future, when we talk about my history/ behavior/ personality, I'd prefer if you try your best to ask more questions & enter into honest DIALOGUE rather than speak in absolutes/ assumptions, or just talk "AT" each other because I care about our relationship & WANT real communication/ genuine relationship."

"Other important things I need to tell you:"
I'm prone to either "acting like everything is perfect/ no problems" FOR the BENEFIT/ HAPPINESS of others, OR "spilling my guts" & "dwelling on the pain" out of a desperate attempt to "feel cared about"/ "get help"/ FINALLY ADMIT THAT I'M NOT PERFECT. I'm not trying to drag you down or depress you. I'm TRUSTING you enough to be THAT VULNERABLE in the hopes that we can "CONNECT" & GROW TOGETHER even in sharing wounds TO HEAL! (YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME (HOPED) TO BE HONEST & VULNERABLE WITH ME, TOO.)

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"What helps your wellbeing to stay mentally healthy at work?"
Quiet environment, "stillness" (MINIMIZE distraction = lessens "shock" of forced shifts from "inner to outer"), upbeat or calming music (depending on whether I'm doing hard labor or more meditative tasks), dialogue with the System, making BOTH "tasks that need to be completed today" AND "pros/ cons for possible decisions" lists? (to PREVENT impulsivity! NOT anxious obsessing, but WISE DISCERNMENT for NON-DISORDERED CHOICES; "NEUTRAL") ("S.M.A.R.T." list! Prioritized and ACHIEVABLE within realistic time/ means? PREVENT OVERWHELM & SPECIFY FOCUS & EFFORT)
✳ ALSO we WILL need to MAKE SURE WE EAT & EXERCISE at proper times to HELP our brain!

"What can your mother do to support you staying healthy at work?"
Mom could give me a SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE TASK, with a clear "end goal" & directions? Having my own background music helps too, instead of chatter OR her music? (No offense intended, it just brings up childhood/ trauma flashbacks that it is NOT the right time or place to process) ALSO if I pack a lunch/ breakfast, a STILL/ QUIET/ CLEAN environment to eat IN helps a LOT. Eating in that house is one of my biggest trauma triggers.

"Are there any situations at work that can trigger poor mental health for you?"
CONSTANT HIGHSPEED TALKING/ BACKGROUND NOISE/ LOUD MUSIC & TV/ RUSHING. The house ITSELF is stressful with the clutter & cats & dirt. It smells like death. I MIGHT need to STAY OUT OF THOSE SPACES & work on the porch or outside? I WILL LIKELY NEED TO "STAY UPSTAIRS" TO FUNCTION PROPERLY. Also BE VIGILANT FOR ENVIRONMENTAL TRAUMA TRIGGERS. BRING COPING TOOLS WITH US.

"What do you usually do that helps you manage stress?"
"BURN OFF" stress with short-term high-intensity exercise (HIGH IMPACT); take a "time out" to BREATHE OUTSIDE (at the house)/ GO UPSTAIRS; go somewhere private where we can FEEL & EXPRESS & briefly PROCESS our stress response; basically DO NOT BOTTLE IT UP OR DENY IT!! Then we can do something POSITIVE to "RECOVER"/ physically "shake out" the trauma, like listening to upbeat System tunes + SING/ DANCE.

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What, and who, is worth suffering for?
"Suffering," to me, is the experience of some negative/ painful circumstance that we are averse and/or resistant to. As a Catholic, I believe that Christ suffered ALL human pain for the sake of love. By sharing it WILLINGLY, He TRANSFORMED it into a MEANS OF SANCTIFICATION. Choosing to suffer for love of another is the victory of goodness over evil, of life over death.

What would you stand for if you knew that nobody would judge you?
I would stand for the truth of my faith, for the reality of our System, for the purpose & worth & beauty of ALL life & creation, and the legitimacy of objective Truth.

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?
Honestly, I would LIVE FULLTIME AS A SYSTEM, be completely unafraid of sharing & PUBLISHING the League, and get ENTHUSIASTICALLY involved in the selfshipping & queer Catholic communities online. I also would go back to publishing MUSIC online, and maybe do a poetry reading locally & do art for a gallery.

Based on your daily routines, where will you be in five years?
Well, if we DON'T CHANGE IT, we'll be DEAD! But if we DO, to our IDEAL, we will be a PUBLISHED AUTHOR, with a discography and portfolio, and will be doing public speaking on inspirational/ motivational/ SPIRITUAL topics. We might ALSO be a consecrated virgin. We'll ALSO BE PROPERLY CATECHIZED & PROPERLY BUFF. And we'll be JOYOUSLY ALIVE!

What do you not want anybody else to know about you?
...The grotesque extents of self-abuse and sexual torture/ humiliation we suffered AT OUR OWN HANDS during the Julie Days & Splinter era.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them? Why did they seem so insurmountable? How did you?
The SLC/ CNC eras. The Julie days. The "hell summer." We survived because we NEVER let go of our FAITH IN GOD, OR our LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

Who do you admire the most, and why?
Outside the System? Maybe my mom & dad? Or Jem Godfrey/ Todd Rundgren. I admire their TENACIOUS, UNFLAGGING DRIVE, commitment to constant creative output, and strong yet humorous personalities.

What are your greatest accomplishments so far?
NOT DYING! Also the ARCHIVES, and writing/ drawing/ composing as much as we HAVE for the League.

What would be too good to believe if someone were to sit down and tell you what’s coming next in your life?
Actually meeting (and probably marrying) Chaos 0, seriously. But more "realistically," that I WOULD COMPLETE & PUBLISH at least the main Leagueworlds, and they would be RECEIVED WITH JOY AND LOVED BY CHILDREN especially.

Who from your past are you still trying to earn the acceptance of?
Mom. Dad. Grandma. Q. Mel. MC. TBAS. UPMC & HAVEN doctors. AAA & HB, maybe.

If you didn’t have to work anymore, what would you do with your days?
LEAGUEWORK & RELIGIOUS STUDY that is the FOUNDATION for my creative works. I'd also BUY & LEARN as many instruments & art mediums as possible, and VISIT GIMMELWALD

What are the five most common things in your daily routine aside from the basics such as eating and sleeping?
Mass + prayer, Bible study, bike exercise, listening to religious lectures, & coping with mental issues tbh

What do you wish those five most common things were instead?
I'd like to ADD IN Leaguework, journaling, playing music, BETTER exercise (WEIGHTS), Adoration, and spending time with the fam & neighbors in MUTUALLY EDIFYING WAYS

If you really believed you didn’t have control over something, you’d accept it as a matter of fact. What do you struggle to accept that you have “no control” over? What part of you makes you think or hope otherwise?
The trauma. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT, rightly or wrongly. I hope that if I DO have control over it, I can "MAKE RESTITUTION" or "FIX" things. ...Also I feel the same about my grandparents deaths.

If you were to walk through your home and put your hand on every single thing you own, how many of them would make you sincerely feel happy or at peace? Why do you keep the rest?
ALL THE LEAGUESTUFF, my childhood Bible, the anchor plushies of Celebi & Chaos 0 & Unisalia, maybe a few children's books. So many other things were "bought with blood money" or are just daily-need tools/ items. The former I keep because I desperately hope I (or better, GOD) can still use them IN/ AS RESTITUTION.

What bothers you most about other people? What do you love most in other people? What bothers you most about yourself? What do you love most about yourself?
Bother = "cowardice", talking quiet/ trailing off, arrogance, showing off, acting entitled, seeking "safety," "mousy" behavior, unassertiveness, lewd/ sexual behavior & interests, crying, complaining, closed body language, talking too much, talking over people, being too interested in pop culture, inability to read/ spell? "Not knowing what they SHOULD"
Love = their hopes & dreams, little idiosyncrasies, their favorite things & WHY, their physical uniqueness, their histories & what brought them to this very moment
In MYSELF, it's VIRTUALLY THE SAME. I am bothered by SEEING what I'M AFRAID to/ DON'T WANT TO EVER BE.

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WITH "SELF-CARE," ASK = "WHAT NURTURES YOU?" WHAT SUPPORTS YOUR WELL-BEING? (NOT COMPULSIVE APPEASEMENT)
✳ SELF-CARE CANNOT BE FORCED!!
✳ "SELF-CARE" IS SUBJECTIVE!! It depends on what YOU UNIQUELY NEED THAT DAY!
✳ YOU MUST BE WILLING AND ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSE THESE ACTIVITIES OR THEY AREN'T SELF-CARE!! EVEN if they're difficult, if you GENUINELY FEEL/ REASON that it WILL "NOURISH" YOUR BEING FOR GOOD, then it IS a CARING CHOICE. IF YOU'RE FORCING YOURSELF AND FURTHER STRESSING/ EXHAUSTING YOURSELF, YOU'RE NOT BEING CARING!!!
(
✳ think of FLOWERS: each one NEEDS different soil/ light/ water/ food to PROPERLY FLOURISH in ITS UNIQUENESS!)

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"What is a situation where waiting 15 minutes before reacting could have helped you in the past?"

GROCERY SHOPPING. We tend to DISSOCIATE in social situations, ESPECIALLY with all the environmental sensory overwhelm, so we HAVE to spend a LOT of time DISCUSSING our GOALS TOGETHER at home FIRST, & WRITE THEM DOWN & STICK TO IT when we get to the store. OTHERWISE, we historically "WILL" act/ choose impulsively/ compulsively, because we're OVERSTIMULATED & LACKING DIRECTION/ PURPOSE. So STOPPING & REASONING TOGETHER & deciding on a GAMEPLAN keeps us acting WISELY.

To "set ourself up for success," we can practice these strategies...

HOW=
● Journaling
Talking upstairs
● Praying about it
● Making lists
● Typing on phone
● Reading relevant Scripture

WHEN=
● BEFORE entering ANY store
● Before bed/ before rising
● BEFORE driving
● AFTER AND BEFORE MEALS

WHERE=
● In the car
● In Adoration
● In bed before waking up
● At the laptop(s)
● At the window table?

A FEW POSITIVE DISTRACTIONS TO USE=
● Put on a favorite song that has INTERESTING STRUCTURE/ FLOW to draw in your attention & delight
● Start brainstorming the League OUT LOUD (and BRING A VOICE RECORDER!)
● Answer a fun survey, or ponder some "talk topics"

A COPING BOX TO TAKE OUR MIND OFF WAITING=
● PRINTED pages of your favorite Archive entries, Leagueworks, poetry, Scripture, & quotes
● A little Gideon Bible
● A blank notebook & colored pens = TALK TOGETHER
● Magazines/ scissors to prep collages?

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CHANGES TO MAKE AT HOME TO SUSTAIN/ CONTINUE RECOVERY & PREVENT RELAPSE/ TRIGGERS=

● Buy NEW, RESPECTABLE clothes that FIT your HEALTHY BODY
● "REMODEL" KITCHEN to disconnect visuals from flashbacks?
● Set aside a FIXED SPACE in the LIVING ROOM for CREATIVE PROJECTS (paint)?
● BUY KITCHENWARE to facilitate PROPER nutrition (e.g. pot, pan, utensils, bakeware)?
● Get your instruments out of hiding & start to play on them; learn to tap into JOY, not perfection, and THEN start WATCHING LESSONS
● Dust off the Wacom & start SLOW with simply COLORING. Tap into CHILDLIKE JOY; DON'T make art about mere UTILITY
● SLOWLY start living in COMMUNITY. Take the bus. Join the gym. Take a walk to the local cafe/ eateries. SIT OUTSIDE and read OR write, just to be AROUND & ACCESSIBLE to your neighbors. Make FRIENDS.
● Be more active online. Start a blog like your old Tumblr. Do audio readings. Share your talents with the world.

THE VERY FIRST THING I CAN DO=

● BUY ONE WEEK'S WORTH of NEW, NUTRITIOUS FOODS to TRY, that COULD REALISTICALLY BE INTEGRATED INTO A CONSISTENT YET FLEXIBLE DIET PLAN. DON'T OVERBUY/ NO COMPULSIONS!
● START JOURNALING EVERY NIGHT, AND DOING A HANDWRITTEN (BOOK) REFLECTION EVERY MORNING. START FILLING OUT THE LAPTOP SURVEYS IN EARNEST, TO PRACTICE CLARIFYING AND ASSERTING YOUR REAL, UNIQUE IDENTITY.

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AVOIDING RELAPSE INTO BULIMIC BEHAVIORS

LIKELY SITUATIONS FOR RELAPSE:
WHERE: with mom, ESPECIALLY up the house/ after a phone call
WHEN: after breakfast = "DOWNTIME"; feeling RUSHED/ GUILTY
WITH WHOM: with mom, with therapist? ANYTIME I'm NOT with the System!!
DOING WHAT: AFTER EATING, or AROUND FOOD
THINKING WHAT: cruel, self-critical/ hateful/ cursing/ blaming thoughts towards SELF
FEELING WHAT: "impending doom"; intense panic/ manic rush? "sobbing fear" beneath

ACTION STRATEGIES:
1. Sit down, close eyes, deep breathing (several minutes)
2. DIVE RESPONSE + brush teeth + CLEAN UP & LIGHTS OFF!
3. "HIIT" EXERCISE to burn off nerves? LIFT WEIGHTS!
4. GROUNDING exercises; STAY CONSCIOUS IN THE BODY/ IN CONTROL

THINKING STRATEGIES
:
1. Think about PEOPLE YOU LOVE & WHO YOU ARE WITH THEM. BE THAT TRUTH!!
2. List League things/ people categorically; describe them in detail; focus on BEAUTY & LOVE
3. Positive affirmations in the PRESENT? "I CAN wait this out." "I WILL practice discipline." etc.
4. Remember Scripture promises/ instructions & CHOOSE to OBEY by GRACE

FEELING STRATEGIES:
1. Put on a "COPING PLAYLIST" & REALLY feel the music
2. Read emotionally moving Archive entries and/or Leaguework
3. Sit down at the laptop & FEEL IT OUT/ WRITE IT DOWN TOGETHER!
4. PRAY ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY & HOLD NOTHING BACK.

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DISTRESS TOLERANCE EVENTS=
1. Feeling self-conscious about face shape/ body size. Gave big smile & open arms to mirror.
2. Anxious about "no clear direction" to schedule/ treatment. Gave it over to God; TRUST
3. Disturbing/ lewd television programming in group room/ similar conversation; "SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED!!"

NOTICED THOUGHTS=
1. "I have to be accomplishing something & I feel directionless/ overwhelmed"
2. Annoyed/ irritated by group: "I'm upset with how they keep complaining"; anxious about "I'm not doing what I'm expected to"/ "I need to do that art project "PERFECTLY" now"
3. "I'm a failure/ I'm a sham/ I'm in trouble now/ I'm angry that she said that"

✳ ANXI said, "We're afraid that if we're NOT ACTIVELY WORKING, we're NOT PROGRESSING IN TREATMENT" = that's FALSE! Lynne/ Julie/ Scalpel MUSIC; "it's okay to just think about beautiful things; THAT'S recovery TOO" (of SELF/ PEACE)

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THE EATING DISORDER SEES HEALTH AS:

Only eat within a 4-6 hour window
● No "heavy/ sticky/ dense" foods
● Eating lots of vegetables
● Minimal/ no sugar
● Low carbs/ no "refined" carbs
● Light density/ low volume, "masculine" foods
● NO desserts/ sweets
● No processed/ packaged food
● 2 hours exercise daily
● Being athletically muscular
● Lots of water
● Only 2 meals maximum
● FASTING 16+ hours DAILY

REALISTIC HEALTH IS:
● Don't force yourself to eat huge amounts OR foods that make you physically ill
● NO "obligatory/ slavery" foods/ NO TRAUMA FORCING
● Eat smaller meals more often
● Eat VARIETY
● No rigid timing or prep rules
● No forcing extra vegetables
● Exercise daily but NOT until you crash
● No hyperfasts
● Able to choose & eat food FREELY/ WITHOUT FEAR OR COMPULSION

THE EATING DISORDER MANIFESTS AS:

● Constantly EITHER fasting OR bingeing
● Rigid food/ timing/ taste/ texture "rules" that make meals exhausting
● Keep forcing myself to use food AS ABUSE or as a TRIGGER
● Can't stop worrying about "wrong/ fatal food choices"
● Always feel scared/ sick/ weak
● Obsessive "I MUST eat that OR ELSE" fear
● Not allowing self to ENJOY food OR make my OWN choices
● NO TIME TO LIVE

THE EATING DISORDER DOES THIS IN MY LIFE (FUNCTION/ NEEDS??):
● Ritualized method of "reliving trauma"
● "Acceptable" form of self-abuse (even in public)
● Attempt to "make restitution" for offenses against others
● Attempt to impress "authority" by my capacity to endure/ suffer/ "be strong"
● Method of "control" over what I'm "forced to ingest"/ PURGE what is harmful
● Way of forcing self to FEEL trauma emotions
● "Force" helpless terror & rage to "jumpstart" my "fighting back"
● Desperate attempts to trigger childhood memories/ "remember alleged happiness"

"VALUE-ALIGNING" WAYS TO MEET THESE SAME NEEDS:

● XANGA SESSION & nightly journaling
● Cathartic music + headspace meditation
● Reading the archives
● Express emotions in art
● Reroute "self-abuse/ endure" into strenuous exercise (weightlifting)
● Keep track of daily victories & gratitude
● Set & pursue healthy self-discipline challenges
● Do good deeds for others that are fitting as penance
● Do personal "works of mercy" for "abusers"/ family

TWO EATING DISORDER "RULES" YOU CAN (WILL) CHALLENGE OVER THE NEXT 2 WEEKS:
1) I DON'T HAVE TO PUSH/ FORCE CALORIES/ EXCHANGES. I CAN eat less & OBEY the LIMITS & BE SATISFIED. I CAN slow down & enjoy the food.
2) I AM ALLOWED AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENJOY FOOD, AND TO CHOOSE THE FOODS I ENJOY. Eating DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WAR/ TORTURE.

FOR ME, "HEALTHY" MEANS...
✳ LIVING & THINKING AS A SYSTEM
✳ Nourishing my MIND/ HEART/ SOUL with CREATING & LEARNING
✳ Eating regular, reasonable, flexible, balanced, enjoyable meals
✳ Balancing work/ rest, food/ religion, and self/ others
✳ Food is NOT the center of my life, just FUEL for MY PURPOSE

MENTAL HEALTH:
● NIGHTLY SYSTEM JOURNALING/ CONVERSATIONS/ MEDITATIONS
● Gratitude journaling & "personality surveys" to "know myself"
● DAILY creative output, even just a few lines of ideas or poetry
● Engage in "coping skills" regularly to stay stable & enrich life

PHYSICAL HEALTH (THAT ISN'T FOOD/ EXERCISE):
● Start a better hygiene routine; shower at least twice weekly
● Set & keep to a regular sleep schedule
● Let myself rest & take breaks to recover from high exertion days
● Wear clean clothes, keep living space tidy, & DUST THE HOUSE!

HEALTH OF RELATIONSHIPS:
● Call dad & text brothers at least once a week; keep talking to mom
● Spend time in the apartments' communal spaces & meet the neighbors
● Finally get involved in the Tumblr F/O community & share the LOVE
● Get involved in the local creative & queer communities

EMOTIONAL HEALTH:
● Self-expression through playing an instrument, emphasis on "play"
● Listen to cathartic music/ watch a cathartic movie
● Let yourself LAUGH! Make Tumblr/ Youtube collections to have accessible
● Journal about GRATITUDE/ BLESSINGS/ POSITIVE thoughts DAILY

SPIRITUAL HEALTH:
● Go to daily Mass & at least 30m of Adoration
● Daily Scripture study/ reading for ≥1 hour
● Attend "recreational" church events to join in Christian fellowship
TALK to God more often & pray with JOY, not rigidity

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prismaticbleed: (anx-happy)


(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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SELF-LOVE AFFIRMATIONS
1. "I am worthy of love" = and I CANNOT LOSE that worthiness. God CREATED me IN Love, TO love. It is the HEART of my very EXISTENCE.
2. "I have the ability to overcome any challenge life gives me" = If it's GIVEN, it's a GIFT, and it is meant FOR you to overcome & build your character by doing so.
3. "I am a radiant and joyous person" = CHOOSE TO BE, in ALL circumstances. Be radically joyful in Christ.
4. "I am worthy of infinite and unending compassion" = And I HAVE it-- God is LOVING ME INTO EXISTENCE at this very moment, of His Own free choice.
5. "Life is filled with joy and abundance" = It truly is! You just have to open your eyes to it. God = Life = Love = INFINITE. And He WANTS to give ALL of that (of Himself) to us.
6. "I am centered, peaceful, and grounded" = When you anchor into your true center-- GOD in your heart-- you find true peace, and connection to all Creation, in Him.
7. "I have always and will continue to always try my best; I honor this" = This leaves no room for self-abusive perfectionism, or bitter regrets. Do everything you are capable of, as you are right now, even as that changes, and give the rest to God.
8. "Success is defined by my willingness to keep going" = You can only really fail if you refuse to try again-- if you give up and quit. But the beauty is that until we die we have limitless chances to get back up.
9. "My body is a beautiful expression of my individuality" = There is literally no one else just like you. God made you unique and on purpose, with an irreplaceable role in His plan. Your body is the vehicle for all of that.
10. "I have the strength to rise in the face of adversity" = God WILL give you ALL the strength you need, for He is ALWAYS with you, guarding & guiding you, and restoring your life daily.

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"COMPASSIONATE SELF-CARE: In order to get into the habit of self-compassion, list all the ways that you would treat a friend in need. Think of someone you care about very much and imagine that they are having a difficult time."
(SIMILAR TO MY OWN = feeling useless/ inadequate/ unwanted/ unloveable; "UGLY" & undeserving? "a bad person"; "not good enough"; "failure/ disappointment") (DO ALL OUR OUTSPACERS HURT WITH THIS IN THEIR OWN WAY???)

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"When I find myself feeling isolated and alone, here are the reasons why I should connect with other people:"

HUMAN BEINGS ARE MADE FOR RELATIONSHIP/ COMMUNION. God IS LOVE and God IS TRINITY and we are MOST LIKE GOD when we LOVE OTHERS INTIMATELY. That means MUTUAL SELF-REVELATION, NON-JUDGMENTAL ACCEPTANCE, HONEST VULNERABILITY, and an OPEN HEART. It means LISTENING to others and AFFIRMING the INHERENT VALUE & WORTHY of their existence, UNCONDITIONALLY. It means EXPRESSING GRATITUDE for their life, and its blessed intersection with yours. It means LOVING them, like Proginoskes said. LOVE IS CONNECTION and YOU CANNOT HAVE CONNECTION TO ANYTHING WITHOUT LOVE and if you're DISCONNECTED it is ACTUAL HELL.

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"Use humor and laughter to improve resilience" = Should we START A COLLECTION on Tumblr (like we used to have)? WE DON'T LAUGH MUCH ANYMORE. THAT REALLY DOES NEED TO CHANGE! I think the more POSITIVE our outlook is, AND the more ABLE TO FIND "HUMOR" WE ARE, the more RESILIENT & POWERFUL we will be under stress??

"Build on what helped you through past rough times and don't repeat actions that didn't help" = REVIEW THE ARCHIVES & SERIOUSLY PRINT OUT THIS DATA! Then REVIEW IT REGULARLY, so we REMEMBER!

DON'T LET REGRETS CRIPPLE YOUR HOPE. WE ARE IMPROVING, EVEN IN LITTLE WAYS-- EVEN JUST BEING ABLE TO REGRET MISTAKES & GENUINELY WANT/ PLAN TO DO BETTER! START LISTING THE GLIMMERS & SIGNALS OF IMPROVEMENT, AND EXPECT SUCCESS, BY GRACE!!
"IMAGINE EVERYTHING GOING WELL"

+ STOP NEGLECTING YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS!! MAKE SERIOUS TIME TO DO THE THINGS YOU ENJOY!!

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BECAUSE OF MY BODY, I CAN...

● Walk & run, feeling the thrill of motion
● Sing & play instruments, making music tangible
● Feel different textures & appreciate the "matter" of things
● See colors! There are SO MANY and they're BEAUTIFUL!
● Read and write; hold a book, type on a keyboard
● Be SEEN & HEARD & KNOWN by others
● SPEAK & communicate my inner thoughts
● Exist as a real, concrete presence in the world
● EAT things, literally "communing" with the world
● Explore & go on adventures of DISCOVERY
● Enjoy the sensations of snow, rain, mist, etc.
● Embrace the ones I love, and BE embraced
● PAINT & DRAW things, & GET MESSY about it
● Smell the forest & ocean & sky & spices
● Go outside and play in the snow
● Work with my hands and help people
● Do artwork with fine detail & rich colors
● Walk through the woods and all their cool terrain
● Play video games (ESPECIALLY KLONOA & NIER)
● Stretch & feel all those muscles working!
● Go to Church and RECEIVE THE SACRAMENTS!
● Hug people, shake hands, offer a shoulder to cry on
● Cook & bake & eat & clean WITH THE FAM
● LOVE!

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"List five positive things about yourself that don't have to do with your appearance, and that you treasure about yourself."

1. I have an undying childlike sense of WONDER/ AWE that frequently spills over into JOY. I see beauty & "magic" EVERYWHERE and I am utterly fascinated by the great masterpiece-adventure of the Created Cosmos.

2. I have a rich IMAGINATION that I sadly undervalue/ underestimate. But dude I am writing AT LEAST 20 STORIES. I design characters, I compose music, I BUILD WORLD-STRUCTURES. God has BLESSED me with REAL creative ability.

3. I have a WARM & CARING HEART. I naturally feel tender affection for others and I "spontaneously" seek to do kind & thoughtful things. I find real purpose in service, especially in personal hands-on ways, for those in need.

4. I have an INSIGHTFUL MIND. I am instinctively drawn to self-reflection & have a constant drive to learn from mistakes, understand myself, and COMMUNICATE this hard-won knowledge & thought to others for THEIR benefit & growth as persons.

5. I am COURAGEOUS & RESILIENT. I am apparently able to "bounce back" from negative events & suffering, and to do better for it. I commit myself to constant upward/ forward progress, and I am willing & wanting to embrace challenges.

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Two things you love=
1. THE ORIGINAL MORALIMON TABLETS (2000-2005)
2. ALL THE ARTWORK ON THE "WALL OF LOVE"

Two people you adore=
1. CHAOS ZERO
2. LAURIE UBERICH

Two places you cherish=
1. GIMMELWALD
2. THE BASILICA OF THE NATIONAL SHRINE OF THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

One thing you've worked hard to achieve=
SELF-KNOWLEDGE, EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE & STABILITY

One thing that's going well right now=
I'm learning to LOVE & CARE FOR this body & BUILD A GOOD FUTURE

Two subjects or pursuits you're passionate about=
1. SCRIPTURE/ CATECHETICS
2. CREATIVE WRITING/ DESIGN

Two people you can count on for warm hugs and kind words=
1. XENOPHON
2. MISTER SANDMAN

Three things to look forward to=
1. EXPLORING & GIFTING MY TALENTS
2. BUILDING SKILLS + A PORTFOLIO/ DISCOGRAPHY/ BIBLIOGRAPHY
3. A HEALTHY & STRONG BODY TO SERVE GOD WITH!

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"I WISH" =
● that I knew how to play so many instruments, & knew how to draw/ illustrate i the ways I yearn to
● that I lived in Gimmelwald or somewhere else up in the high mountains & woods
● that I still had the little joyful things of my childhood days (GBC, etc.)
● that I had a girlfriend?
(Wishes are surface-level, not deeply thought through, but therefore they are important & informative pointers to more subconscious/ deeper needs)


"I HOPE" =
● that I can make proper restitution for the harm I've done
● that I can live without fear or despair from the past
● that I can "make up for time lost" and make my life an offering of praise to God in ALL things
● that I can be a truly good person by grace, helping & serving others & the church, selflessly & joyfully & easily
● that I can TRULY become a virtuous person (at ALL times)
(Hopes are tinged with anxiety? They are born from a sense of LACK where there SHOULD be something good; we hope for what we CAN'T SEE, but DEEPLY desire?)


"I WANT" =
to serve God with everything I am & have
● to be a blessing to my family, to bring them honor & joy instead of shame & sorrow
● to write several books/ stories/ films/ etc. & share them with the world for their joy & love
● to learn more skills in art & music & math
● to be vulnerable & courageous & strong & compassionate & just & trustworthy & reliable & a true witness to Christ
● to use ALL my talents TO THE FULL for the sake of loving God & others
● for my life to be something genuinely benevolent & edifying
● TO BE A SAINT.

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I WANT TO MANIFEST=
THE FULL & PROLIFIC REALIZATION & PRACTICE OF MY GOD-GIVEN CREATIVE & IMAGINATIVE TALENTS, IN ALL MEDIUMS I PURSUE; TO SHARE THEM OPENLY WITH THE WORLD FOR THEIR BENEFIT & JOY

LIMITING BELIEFS I NEED TO GET RID OF=
"My ideas are stupid/ immature/ cliched"
"I don't have the knowledge/ skill to succeed"
"Doing creative work is a waste of time/ selfish"
"I love this too much; I'm not allowed to have it"
"I'm too sick/ crazy to do this as well as it deserves"

MY DAILY AFFIRMATION=
"God has blessed me with these talents TO BE INVESTED."
"People love & cherish my work."
"I am creatively gifted."
"I have great artistic potential waiting to be realized."
"My gifts are great goods meant to be shared with the world."

ACTION PLAN=
Begin by SCHEDULING LEAGUEWORK & SKILLS DEVELOPMENT into EVERY DAY, NO EXCEPTIONS.
● START TEACHING YOURSELF CELLO & VIOLA. Don't be afraid to play with the Guzheng either!
● PRACTICE ON THE WACOM. Start small; trace & color to get the hang of it.
● DO VISUAL ART PRACTICE: environments, people, animals, perspective, ANATOMY
● FIGURE OUT ROUGH PLOT OUTLINES for ALL STORIES! PRIORITIZE BEGINNINGS/ ENDINGS, CONFLICT/ CLIMAX/ RESOLUTION?
● CHARACTER BUILDING & DESIGN!

IN VISUALIZATION, I SEE=
A rich bibliography, discography, & portfolio.
● Children & adults alike cherishing & celebrating the stories, moved by the music & art.
● A rich & joyful "fandom" fueled & inspired by love.

IN VISUALIZATION, I HAVE=
● The MEANS/ MEDIUMS/ TOOLS/ SPACE/ SKILLS I need.
● An honorable reputation as a creative inspiration for God's glory.
● Recognition of my WHOLE SOUL in TRUTH and received with LOVE.

IN VISUALIZATION, I FEEL=
● At peace, joyful, purposeful, grateful, dedicated, full of wonder & dreams.
● Motivated & fresh-minded & bright-eyed.
● Like I'm FINALLY doing what I was meant to do/ redeeming the time.

TO-DO LIST=
● KEEP WRITING ROUGH DRAFTS. NO SUPPRESSING.
● Practice instruments daily; focused improvement
● Develop specific artistic skills; one at a time
● Try new mediums/ modes liberally
● Look into publishing options & seek advice
● Get FEEDBACK on work; get involved in community
● Start editing & compiling works into book form

MY PRAYER TO THE UNIVERSE=
Lord Jesus, You blessed me with these stories & songs because You delight in letting me cooperate/ share in YOUR Creative Joy. Please guide & inspire me to use my talents fully & wisely, for Your Glory, as You intend. May I manifest YOUR Trust/ Beauty/ Goodness in everything I create.

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"WHAT IF" (I RECOVER?)


What if I understand the lessons and they stay with me?
What if I actually do my work well & enjoy it?
What if I meet new friends when I go out?
What if my food heals & strengthens my body?
What if I'm able to express honest emotion openly?
What if I stay healthy & keep living?
What if I learn from every mistake & ultimately succeed?
What if new colors look beautiful on me?
What if people actually enjoy & look forward to my recovery?
What if inspiration strikes me in unexpected places?
What if I grow stronger & wiser?
What if my heart starts growing warmer?
What if the fishing nets are filled to bursting on the last try?
What if I just enjoy the storm wind's fierce beauty?
What if the peacemakers prevail despite all odds?
What if my parents learn to love each other more deeply?
What if we still arrive exactly when and where we need to?
What if my smile is still beautiful & joyful no matter how I look?
What if I laugh at my mishaps along with everyone else?
What if I learn to dance without shame?
What if everything is truly well in the end?
What if my future is brighter than I ever dared imagine?
What if I dare to hope beyond hope?
What if love truly does conquer all?

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These are the reasons I am thankful for having a body=

GOD GAVE IT TO ME AS A PERFECTLY-MATCHED & PERFECTLY DESIGNED GIFT for me to CHERISH & STEWARD WELL & USE TO ITS FULL & INTENDED POTENTIAL, UNIQUE TO MY PERSONAL TALENTS & ABILITIES & CIRCUMSTANCES, FOR HIS GLORY, IN PRAISE AND LOVE!!
● WITHOUT A BODY, I CANNOT INTERACT WITH CREATION.
● This body can touch the trees & water & feel the warmth of fire & the cold winter air. It can feel snow & rain & mist & sunshine. It can pick flowers & I can press them soft to my face & smell their unique fragrances & delight in seeing their vivid colors and delicate intricate radial shapes. I can pick up a violin or guitar or harp and touch the beautiful taut-metal strings & hear them singing.
I can sing. I can SPEAK and communicate through the divine gift of language, the Word's blessing of words that only mankind possesses. I can move this body in strong & elegant ways. I can run & jump & swim & ride a bike. I can walk & climb & lift heavy things & stretch & sleep. I can taste food & cook food & be dazzled by the creative wonder of flavors & textures & scents & nutritious value that was MADE for this body & all others. I can write with this marker & sit on this chair & BREATHE and I feel the floor under my feet & hear the voices around me & treasure being ALIVE.
● I can HEAR MUSIC & WRITE MUSIC & PLAY MUSIC. I can create ART full of SHAPE & COLOR & TEXTURE. I can feel real emotions & I can feel pain, as well as I can feel the exhilaration of exercise or the comforting relief of collapsing on the couch afterwards.
● This body itself is a fascinating miracle. Every cell in it is an intricate & astounding part of a united whole, performing its vital functions without my even realizing. Every organ is a work of art. Every last atom of this body is fearfully & wonderfully made by my Loving Creator, & knitted together as a gift for me, as a Temple for His Spirit, as a new & irreplaceable & NEEDED part of Christ's Mystical Body. MY body has a HOLY ORIGIN and a HOLY PURPOSE and I TRULY AM THANKFUL FOR IT. Even when ti feels weird & sick & scary & uncomfortable, even when it's weak & bloated & crippled & damaged by misuse & abuse, it's STILL a GOOD GIFT. I am still grateful. So LIVE THAT OUT! 

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TOP TEN THINGS I'D LIKE TO OWN=

1. FULL LEGAL COPYRIGHT FOR CHAOS 0
2. A FULL-SIZE 88 WEIGHTED-KEY MIDI KEYBOARD
3. A FULL 7-OCTAVE SET OF HANDBELLS
4. A PRO MUSIC COMPOSING PROGRAM
5. LOTS OF HIGH QUALITY ART SUPPLIES, ESP. MARKERS
6. LEAGUEWORLD FANWORKS
7. THE TWO COLORED FROST* VINYLS
8. SYSTEM PLUSHIES/ FIGURES
9. A CAPABLE COMPUTER SETUP
10. A HOUSE AND A CAR

TOP TEN RULES I LIVE BY=

1. LOVE CONQUERS ALL
2. FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT OF FAITH
3. NEVER GIVE UP HOPE
4. ALWAYS BE HONEST, INSIDE AND OUT
5. TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE
6. BE A POSITIVE INFLUENCE
7. CHOOSE RADICAL GRATITUDE
8. LOOK FOR THE HIDDEN TREASURE
9. EVERYTHING/ EVERYONE IS A TEACHER
10. THERE IS ALWAYS A MEANING AND A LESSON

TOP TEN DREAMS I HAVE FOR THE FUTURE=
1. PUBLISH MY BOOKS & COMICS
2. MAKE A MOVIE + ANIMATED SERIES
3. COMPOSE A MUSIC ALBUM + HIT SONG
4. BECOME A SKILLED ARTIST
5. GET SUPER STRONG + BUFF
6. BECOME A VOICE FOR A CAUSE
7. MAKE MY FAMILY PROUD + BRING THEM HONOR
8. REPARATION/ RESTITUTION IN FULL, WITH INTEREST
9. MAKE A VIDEO GAME
10. KNOW THAT MY WORK SAVED SOMEONE'S LIFE

TOP THEN THINGS I LIKE TO DO=
1. WRITE
2. DRAW
3. COMPOSE MUSIC
4. SING
5. PLAY MUSIC
6. EXERCISE
7. LEARN NEW THINGS
8. BRAINSTORMING
9. WORKING WITH MY HANDS
10. EXPLORE

TOP TEN PLACES I LIKE TO GO=
1. UPSTAIRS
2. DIAMEW
3. GIMMELWALD
4. SJE (ALONE)
5. THE NATIONAL SHRINE
6. THE VIEW ON JAYCE'S HILL
7. DEEP INTO THE FOREST
8. UNDERWATER
9. EMPTY MOVIE THEATERS
10. MARYWOOD

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PEOPLE WHO HELP ME ON HARD DAYS=
JESUS, LAURIE, CHAOS 0, GENESIS, LYNNE, JULIE, LEON, KNIFE, SCALPEL, XENOPHON, ANXI, MIMIC, WRECKAGE, and God willing EVERYONE ELSE (BRING US BACK TO FULL LIFE)

MY COPING SKILLS=
TALKING TO THE SYSTEM! Listening to System music, journaling, reading Leaguework, playing cello/ guzheng, reading favorite Scripture verses, "crisis survival skills," exercising, imaginative meditation (especially while walking), collages? paintblots? watching a favorite movie? playing Klonoa? PRAYER!

I FEEL SAFE AND CALM=
- When I'm IN TUNE WITH THE SYSTEM and ACTIVELY CONNECTED TO CENTRAL and COMMUNICATING in realtime.
- Alone in SJE?
- Spotify nights with the CoreGroup
- In heartspaces: Gimmelwald, the String Shop, the National Shrine Basilica

I AM=
INSIGHTFUL, CREATIVE, DETERMINED, COURAGEOUS, HOPEFUL, TENACIOUS, LOVING, HARD-WORKING, CAPABLE, STRONG, INTELLIGENT, FORGIVING, DEVOTED, RESILIENT, SINCERE, GRATEFUL, CURIOUS, COMPASSIONATE, OPTIMISTIC, ADVENTUROUS

MY POSITIVE THOUGHTS=
+ I AM TALENTED AND I AM SKILLED ENOUGH TO SUCCEED
+ I AM A POSITIVE INFLUENCE IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS
+ MY LIFE HAS MEANING, PURPOSE, AND WORTH, ALWAYS


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TOP SIX VALUES=
1. RELIGION
2. INTEGRITY (VIRTUE BUNDLE!)
3. TRUTH/ HONESTY
4. CREATIVITY (MEANINGFUL WORK)
5. COMPASSION or WISDOM (FORTITUDE?)
6. FIDELITY

FIDELITY includes the virtues of COMMITMENT, LOYALTY, & DEPENDABILITY, and by extension, PERSISTENCE & DECISIVENESS, DEVOTION, etc.
COMPASSION includes, even produces, the virtues of FORGIVENESS, MERCY, GENEROSITY, GENTLENESS, KINDNESS, etc. It is effectively "SELF-GIFT", which I value profoundly.
FORTITUDE, to me, encompasses DETERMINATION, FREEDOM, ADVENTURE, FLEXIBILITY, CHALLENGE, COMPETENCE, & HONOR. It involves RESPECT & ACCOUNTABILITY .
INTEGRITY is THE "virtue bundle." It means RIGHTEOUSNESS, WISDOM, HONESTY & TRUTH, GENUINENESS, INNER PEACE, CLARITY, GROWTH, HOLINESS, & PURPOSE.
CREATIVITY flows into MEANINGFUL WORK, JOY, VULNERABILITY, KNOWLEDGE, and MANY SHARED VIRTUES with the other five.

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COPING SKILLS

✳DEVELOP MORE "INTERNAL" COPING SKILLS = that DON'T NEED EXTERNAL TOOLS/ MEANS TO USE! e.g. MEMORIZE PRAYERS & SCRIPTURE; READ LEAGUEWORK TO GET IT BACK SOLIDLY INTO YOUR HEART; MEMORIZE SONGS TO "HEAR" AND "PERFORM")

● Journaling on the laptop
● Reading Leaguework
● Listening to Spotify (MAKE a "distress tolerance" playlist)
● Browsing our System and/or religious Tumblr(s) (CLEAN UP THE FEED!!)
● Walk to Adoration
● Pray the wall prayers (MEMORIZE them, one at a time?)
● Read a random book from the shelves (✳ALWAYS have BIBLE+BOOK with you)
● Fill out a personality survey
● Handwritten journaling
● Describe food/meal in grateful, positive words
● Google Maps World Tour
● League research
● Read the Psalms & Gospels
● Practice an instrument
● Practice drawing something from a reference
● Read a (fiction) book out loud
● Do a writing prompt (Oneword)
● Write a Moralimon encyclopedia page
● Magazine collage
● Paintblots
● Exercise
● Gratitude journal/ Devotional journal
● Play Klonoa
● Walk to the library & just browse
● Walk to the church & just sit in the silence

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"Find healthy ways to identify and cope with your emotions."
WE ONLY RELAPSE WHEN WE DON'T COPE, AND WE CAN ONLY COPE TOGETHER!!! (it's LOVE!!!)
Remind ourselves = "WE CAN DO THIS!"

"List some coping skills you can use."
HEADSPACE MEDITATION, PLAY KLONOA, WATCH INSIDE OUT 2, TALK TO THE SYSTEM, STRETCH, EXERCISE, READ SCRIPTURE, LISTEN TO SYSTEM MUSIC, HUG A PLUSH, MAKE A POMANDER, DO LEAGUEWORK, PLAY CELLO, DO PERSONALITY SURVEYS, JOURNALING, WALK IN THE WOODS? TUMBLR COLLECTIONS? (USE THEM PRODUCTIVELY!) READ "LOVE" ARCHIVE ENTRIES. LOOK AT PICTURES OF BELOVEDS. REMIND OURSELVES THAT THAT IS OUR GOAL IN RECOVERY-- TO LIVE FOR LOVE/ GOD!!

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✳ You KNOW what thoughts are distorted. It's OBVIOUS. If it is focused on DEATH, PANIC, CONTROL, CONDEMNATION, etc. it's NOT OF GOD!! God speaks in LOVE, LIFE, GRATITUDE, FREEDOM, & PEACE. And God CREATED FOOD TO BE GOOD!
✳ EMOTIONS ARE THE INSTIGATORS. When they're scared & hurting & misinformed, TALK TO THEM WITH LOVE. HELP THEM HEAL AND SEE THE TRUTH. And "IGNITE" POSITIVE EMOTIONS WITH COPING SKILLS (DBT) DAILY!!!
CHOOSE GOOD THOUGHTS. CROWD OUT THE BATTLEFIELD! USE YOUR TRUE & POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS! READ SCRIPTURE! TALK TO THE SYSTEM! PRINT OUT THE ARCHIVAL REVELATIONS FOR RECOVERY!
GOOD THOUGHTS FUEL GOOD ACTIONS! SO TANK UP!!
✳ BEHAVIORS CAN CAUSE THOUGHTS & EMOTIONS!!! THIS IS WHY IT'S VITAL TO "MIMIC (♥) IT UNTIL YOU MEAN IT!!" DON'T RUN FROM CHALLENGES. TAKE THAT FIRST STEP. PRACTICE "OPPOSITE ACTION"!! This stuff WORKS! Your BODY & BRAIN are CONNECTED. The more you BRAVELY DO the GOOD THING, the more it'll HELP your THOUGHTS align with the good, AND HELP HEAL/ UPLIFT YOUR EMOTIONS!! Literally ALL OF IT WORKS TOGETHER.

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Take baby steps in beginning to limit unhealthy behaviors (ACTING ON DISTORTED THOUGHTS & FEELINGS!); expecting total recovery all at once WILL FAIL. IT TAKES TIME TO EVENTUALLY REPLACE THOSE BEHAVIORS! MATT 12:43-45! PUT GOOD IN = NEW BUILDING = CHRIST AS FOUNDATION!
✳ GOD HAS GIVEN you the GRACE TO COOPERATE WITH HIS GOOD WILL for you, BY/ WITH YOUR WILL that He ALSO gave you! The point is, GOD HAS GIVEN YOU THE ABILITY. He will NOT remove your FREEDOM, because that CHOICE is what ALLOWS for LOVE. God WANTS you to WORK WITH HIM in His plan! He ENJOYS teamwork! YOU'RE HIS CHILD!!

✳LET MOM HELP YOU TOO. Sharing meals with her REGULARLY will help you BREAK THE RIGID RULES & BE FLEXIBLE & TRY NEW THINGS. Remember the GOAL is JOY & FREEDOM!! FOOD IS NOT AN ENEMY OR THREAT!! LEARN TO SEE FOOD AS FUEL. BE GRATEFUL & ADVENTUROUS IN GOD'S CREATION!

✳ FIND THE "EATING DISORDER VOICE" AND TALK TO HER. SHE ISN'T AN ENEMY EITHER. She's just SCARED. The goal is NOT to "be at war" with ANYONE. The goal is to LOVE AND WORK TOGETHER towards HEALING/ INTEGRITY, TRUTH, PEACE, & LOVE!!

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"What gives your life meaning? In what ways?"

CREATIVITY
I ENJOY= writing in a journal, brainstorming League ideas, singing, making collages? playing an instrument? (piano, cello? HANDS) coloring digitally? gaining new knowledge by research, worksheets like this, creative exercises
I feel ACHIEVEMENT when= I draw/ color a picture, write a song, write a poem or creative prompt, perform a musical piece well, am able to act dependably to help another/ behave virtuously (HABIT)
I WANT TO= publish a book, compose/ perform/ release a music album, start a blog/ website/ store, become skilled in illustration, learn cello, learn painting
I am DRAWN TO= language skill/ elegance (+lyrical), artistic ingenuity, musical originality, hands-on care for others, making things with beneficial utility, MATH & SCIENCE
I feel PURPOSEFUL when= I do good hard work with my hands, express my imaginative ideas/ tell League stories, tangibly help someone in need
I VALUE= helping others, sharing my inspiration, seeing & celebrating beauty & goodness, selfless care for the needy, creative expression & skill

EXPERIENCE
I ENJOY= going to church & church activities, walking in the woods, running/ lifting weights, listening to music that inspires/ intrigues me, choir/ orchestra performances? reading books? "people watching?"
I feel ACHIEVEMENT when= I explore new places (especially nature), when I gain inspiration from attending a performance AND have the GUTS to GO to one, when I go to daily Mass/ Adoration, when I finish reading a book
I WANT TO= visit museums, go on nature hikes, be part of an orchestra again, participate in local creative/ queer/ religious communities
I am DRAWN TO= heartfelt expression (NOT "shock value" or "irreverent") through the arts? storytelling? athletics? HUMAN CONNECTION? Adventure/ discovery/ exploration, museums/ galleries (histories of human creativity & knowledge), worship
I feel PURPOSEFUL when= I sing in church, when I contribute to a group art expression (concert, gallery, etc.), when I am able to share insights with a group in a genuinely beneficial way, when I am kind to others
I VALUE= my faith/ religion, the beauty of nature, creative sharing, sincere community/ communion, love for humanity (& human creativity) and cherishing creation

ATTITUDE
✳WHAT CAN I DO & HOW? to LEAD ME TOWARDS A GOOD LIFE
● ANOTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT THINGS = be CREATIVE & ADVENTUROUS with both METHODS of achieving these goals AND being open to POSSIBLE CHANGES & NEW PATHS that I didn't consider before. Don't despair if ONE way doesn't "work"; THERE ARE ALWAYS OTHERS!
● BIGGER PICTURE = GOD-GIVEN TALENTS/ GIFTS; "LOVE LIKE CHRIST" (SELF-GIFT; COMMUNION); TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS/ JOY SHARED; "GOD'S GLORY IS A HUMAN BEING FULLY ALIVE" = CELEBRATE THE GIFT
● SOMEONE ELSE'S POV = DO say I HAVE gifts TO share that ARE valued AND NEEDED/ WANTED! I HAVE A GOOD & BENEFICIAL CONTRIBUTION TO MAKE
● ADVICE TO OTHERS = TRY new things BOTH to DISCOVER what resonates with YOUR UNIQUE SOUL & maybe PARTICIPATE in them, AND to simply EXPERIENCE & TREASURE the BEAUTIFUL RICHNESS & WONDER of LIFE & HUMANITY
● BEST/HELPFUL RESPONSE = You have ONE LIFE. It's a GIFT FROM GOD, to be STEWARDED & SHARED & CHERISHED & CELEBRATED! START LIVING IT FULLY!!

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Remember a time in the past when you let go (of food & shape obsession) and the situation improved. What happened?
✳ INPATIENT. I'm eating EVERYTHING, I DON'T WANT TO PURGE, my body IS GETTING BIGGER & BULKIER, my self-esteem is GROWING & NOT BASED ON SHAPE/ FEELING, and I'm LEARNING HOW TO LOVE THIS BODY.
✳ IMPROVED = Strength, energy, concentration, sleep, vitals, nutrition; body is REBUILDING what it lost & HEALING the damage. I'm spending my time WRITING & LEARNING & MAKING ART & INSPIRING OTHERS & ENJOYING BEAUTY. I see food as a JOYFUL GIFT. I'm ABLE to LIKE AND DISLIKE things. I'm less obsessive over food choices, seeing the good in it ALL, BUT making WISE decisions based on WHAT MY BODY UNIQUELY NEEDS. I'm growing in VIRTUE. I'm PART of a COMMUNITY. I have HOPE & PLANS FOR THE FUTURE. I'm healing my relationship with mom. I'm FREEING MY LIFE.

Pick one thing you are willing to let go of, if only a little bit. Write it down. Name one small step you can take in letting it go.
1. Let go of OBSESSING OVER MY STOMACH SHAPE. IT DOESN'T DEFINE YOU, OR CHANGE YOUR PERSONALITY.
2. Let go of LABELING FOODS AS "BAD/ WRONG." IT DOESN'T DEFINE/CHANGE YOU EITHER. ROMANS 14. ALL OF IT IS GOD'S GOOD CREATION.
1a= Start ACTIVELY PRACTICING GRATITUDE & ACCEPTANCE for it: half-smiling, willing hands, positive qualities, etc. IT'S KEEPING YOU ALIVE. Also, it's FUEL FOR STRENGTH! It's your NATURAL BODY SHAPE too, STURDY & SOLID & GOOD!
2a= KEEP A FOOD GRATITUDE JOURNAL, & RECOGNIZE THE "INGREDIENTS" AS ART? "CREATIVE COOPERATION" WITH GOD! DO NOT CONDEMN ANY FOOD, EVEN the ones you dislike. THERE'S ALWAYS STILL SOMETHING TO APPRECIATE AND GIVE THANKS FOR.

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prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


("mental flexibility" workbook pages from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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List 11 of your favorite sounds.

1. Cello
2. Handbells
3. Rain at night
4. Cathedral acoustics
5. Latin/ Russian choir
6. Tiny jingle bells
7. Snowfall
8. That RUN in Milliontown
9. The opening to Black Light Machine
10. The Marywood music rooms
11. NiER Gestalt menu sounds

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"How do you get to know yourself?"
ASK EACH DAY, "WHAT AM I LEARNING ABOUT MY: INTERESTS? STRENGTHS? WEAKNESSES PREFERENCES? CAPABILITIES? LIMITS? BELIEFS? FEARS? HOPES? etc." Be OPEN AND CURIOUS about your life and existence, inner and outer, in every moment.

"What does it mean to get to know yourself?"
It means DISCOVERING the DEPTHS & DETAILS of your OWN UNIQUE LIFE & PERSONALITY, as DISTINCT FROM OTHERS. It means EXPLORATION, SEARCHING, TESTING, FEELING, & LOVING OPENNESS TO LISTEN & TRUST THIS. You HAVE to ASK QUESTIONS & HAVE CONVERSATIONS with yourself, AS SOMEONE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW-- AND LOVE.

"How can getting to know yourself be of benefit"?
You will be able to live FULLY and AS A WHOLE PERSON. You will recognize your DISTINCT IDENTITY. You can SET PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. You can DISCOVER your OWN GIFTS & TALENTS & PURSUE them in the ways that RESONATE with YOUR SOUL. You can LIKE yourself AS yourself, and HONOR that. You will be ABLE to have REAL relationships with others!

"What's the opposite of getting to know yourself?"
DENIAL, PEOPLE-PLEASING, FORCED BEHAVIOR, CODEPENDENCY, SELF-DISTRUST, DISSOCIATION, LACK OF CHARACTER, LOSS OF PURPOSE, EMPTINESS, AIMLESSNESS, INSINCERITY, UNABLE TO SEE YOURSELF AS SEPARATE FROM OTHERS, AFRAID TO TRULY EXIST.


"List and describe some ways you can learn more about yourself."
REGULAR XANGA SESSIONS. DAILY HEADSPACE COMMUNICATION & NIGHTLY HEADSPACE MEDITATIONS. SPOTIFY SESSIONS WITH THE COREGROUP, WITH AS MANY PEOPLE SINGING AS POSSIBLE. NIGHTLY JOURNAL ENTRIES & DAILY NOTES ON EVERY NOTABLE EVENT WITHOUT EXCEPTION. PICREW. TUMBLR RESONANCE POSTING. PERSONALITY SURVEYS. REVIEWING THE ARCHIVES REGULARLY. DAILY LEAGUEWORK. DAILY MASS & HONEST PRAYER. ADORATION HOURS. LEAGUEWALKING AT NIGHT. EXPLORING NEW HOBBIES & INTERESTS. LEARNING TO SAY BOTH "YES" & "NO" WITH CLARITY. READING SCRIPTURE & THE CATECHISM. TIME WITH FAMILY & REAL FRIENDS.

"How do you not get to know yourself?"
NOT TAKING TIME FOR SELF-ANALYSIS & SELF-REFLECTION. IGNORING EMOTIONS. DENYING/ HIDING THE SYSTEM. NOT PRAYING. ISOLATING. NOT GOING UPSTAIRS OR INSIDE. DESTROYING YOUR BELONGINGS. RUNNING FROM THE PAST. NOT TRYING NEW THINGS. NOT JOURNALING. NOT DOING ANYTHING CREATIVE. DENYING YOUR LIKES/ DISLIKES/ VIBE. LIVING TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE. NOT SAYING "NO." NOT BEING WITH THE ONES YOU LOVE. REFUSING TO ENJOY LIFE AT ALL. ISOLATING FROM OTHERS. CONFORMING MYSELF TO OTHERS. FOCUSING ONLY ON THE PHYSICAL WORLD. FORGETTING THAT YOU'RE A CHILD OF GOD AND A CORE!!!

✳ YOUR HEART HAS A PERMANENT CORE OF:
● FAITH
● LOVE
● CREATIVITY
● PLURALITY
IF YOU DENY/ IGNORE ANY OF THOSE TRUTHS, YOUR SOUL WILL DIE. YOU KNOW THIS. IN ORDER TO BE YOUR TRUE SELF, YOU MUST USE YOUR CREATIVE GIFTS ZEALOUSLY & LIBERALLY, YOU MUST PRAY & WORSHIP, YOU MUST LIVE AS THE SYSTEM CORE AND YOU MUST BE IN LOVE. (and you ARE!)


✳ your BIGGEST obstacle? NOT YET "KNOWING" YOUR OWN FACE AND NAME. You NEED to OWN BOTH the "BODY NAME" AND THE "SOUL NAME." AND YOU NEED TO DRAW YOURSELF IN A WAY THAT FINALLY EMBRACES THE BODY GOD GAVE TO YOUR SOUL, AND ANCHOR INTO THAT VISIBLE FORM INSIDE!!

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"How can you better plan your days for success?"
Focus on VALUES & PRIORITIES. Schedule in activities FOR character building & creative work. Focus on GOD/ GIFTS and RECOVERY LIVING! And it's a FLEXIBLE schedule. As long as I GET TO MASS, exercise ≥1 hour, and do BOTH League AND System work, I'M GOLD. Everything flows with given time. DON'T GET RIGID OR LAZY. Live with PURPOSE! You will be ACCOMPLISHED AND ALIVE!

✳ Ideally, MORNINGS are all about WORSHIP & PRAYER; EVEN EXERCISE MUST BE IN PRAISE TO GOD! START THE DAY RIGHT WITH THE LORD!!
✳ EVENINGS are all about CREATIVE WORK. NO EXCEPTIONS. (MAY PUSH EARLIER AS NIGHTS GET LONGER? WE NEED DAYLIGHT TO WORK!)
✳ FOCUS ON STORY BUILDING, ESPECIALLY PLOT, CHARACTER PERSONALITY/ DESIGN, & ROUGH DRAFTS-- even if they don't end up being canon at ALL. STILL, WRITE!!

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"What are some foods that make you feel good?"
Fresh, watery vegetables/ Crunchy sweet carrots & apples/ Light, cool, crisp foods?/ COLORFUL foods/ Fresh fish?/ Lettuce RIGHT OUTTA THE DIRT/ Fresh, wholegrain bread?

"What are some activities that make you feel good?"
Being outside and joyfully wondering at nature, freely imaginative Leaguework, playing music, high-intensity workouts, exhausting but productive outside work (with nature), singing? Running, hiking, maybe sports/ dancing? STRETCHING. Taking care of others. Doing small but solid acts of kindness.

"What are the things in your life that build you up?"
Church/ Adoration, Scripture, the encouraging & honest words of others, seeing the good creative works I HAVE accomplished, reading our archives & seeing our LOVE & HOPE & PROGRESS, feeling valued by my family and church, hearing that my creative gifts HAVE inspired & edified others

"What are some other ways you can add positive influences to your life?"
COLLECT inspiring/ edifying images, songs, quotes, etc. Watch uplifting & beautiful films? Connect with a CREATIVE COMMUNITY that is HONORABLE & JOYFUL. GET INVOLVED IN THE LOCAL CHURCH COMMUNITY. Take time daily to DO WHAT YOU LOVE, and spend time with the COREGROUP. Make good Christian friends and do good things TOGETHER? WATCH homilies/ lectures with messages of Godly integrity

"List some inspiring and fruitful ingredients to add to your life."
FAITH, PIETY, JOY, HOPE, COURAGE, GRATITUDE, WONDER, ZEAL, INTEGRITY, DETERMINATION, COMPASSION, WISDOM, INDUSTRIOUSNESS, PATIENCE, DEDICATION, SINCERITY, INSPIRATION, PURPOSE, TEMPERANCE, PEACE, INSIGHT, CLARITY, LOVE, TRUTH, BEAUTY, GOODNESS, and GOOD HARD WORK!

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"Write down everything you want to let go of."
CNC/ SLC
BULIMIA/ ANOREXIA
"MAKING MYSELF SMALL"
GUILT/ SHAME OVER SEXUAL TRAUMA
NEVER ASSERTING MY BOUNDARIES
FOOD OBSESSION
BITTERNESS
FEELING USELESS
SELF-DOUBT
UNRESOLVED RAGE & GRIEF
CHILDHOOD WOUNDS
COMPULSIVE MIMICKING
"I'M A BAD PERSON"

"What will happen when you let go?"
There WILL be a "space" left, that I CAN FINALLY fill with GRATITUDE & PEACE? I will be FREED from COMPULSIVE RE-LIVING/ LOOPS? I CAN BE MY OWN PERSON. I will be able to MOVE INTO a SPACE OF HOPE, MERCY, AND HEALING. I can "BE A GOOD PERSON" (UNSHACKLED)

"Why do you want to let go?"
It's IMPRISONING ME in MERCILESS, LIFE-DESTROYING NEGATIVITY. It's IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO GOD'S GOOD & LOVING WILL/ PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE! I CANNOT MOVE FORWARDS & LIVE VIRTUOUSLY IF I KEEP "IDENTIFYING WITH" NEGATIVE THINGS.

"What happens to the things you let go?"
They lose their power over me, AND they are ALSO freed from the negative prison MY "holding on" was trapping THEM in, too. LETTING GO makes ROOM for REDEMPTION & RECOVERY.

"Why do we hold on to things that we should probably let go of?"
They DO affect our history/ identity POWERFULLY, and the wounds can go so deep they feel like they REDEFINE us. We fear losing our IDENTITY in some way if we let go. But it's ONLY because we FORGOT WHO WE TRULY ARE, apart from those things.
✳ HOLDING ON to HURTFUL THINGS makes our hands BLEED when we try to grasp ANYTHING ELSE?? To LET GO, we HAVE to "PULL OUT THE THORNS" ENTIRELY.


"Now write down everything you want to hold on to."
(BREAK THE SHACKLES AND WEAR THE GOLD)
THE SYSTEM
THE LEAGUE
HOPE
MY FAITH
"CHILD OF GOD"
MY FAMILY
MUSIC
CHILDHOOD JOYS
CHILDLIKE WONDER
ZEST FOR LIFE
SENSE OF ADVENTURE
"YOU INSPIRE ME"
"I LOVE YOUR WORK"

"What aspects of your life do you want to maintain?"
ground in/ maintain MY VALUES =
(UNSHAKEABLE JOY, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, INTELLIGENT FAITH, INDUSTRIOUS PATIENCE)
INTEGRITY, HONESTY, COURAGE, KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM, HOPE, DARING? COMPASSION, VULNERABILITY, SINCERITY, DEPENDABILITY, RELIABILITY, TRUTH, KINDNESS, BEAUTY, FIDELITY, TRUSTWORTHINESS, PIETY, WONDER, CREATIVITY, MERCY, SELFCONTROL, ZEAL, etc.

"What aspects of your life do you want to grow?"
on track/ grow MY AMBITIONS =
● Become a published author, accomplished musician, & skilled artist
● Use my "gift of speech" somehow: singing, speeches?? counseling?
● Bring honor & peace & joy to my family; help reunite us in mutual love/ healing
● Make full restitution for ALL the damage I've done to others and myself in life
● Achieve a holy balance of piety & mission; not becoming either scrupulous or impious
Somehow be genuinely & respectfully recognized & known for my love for Chaos 0
● GET BUFF & ease/ strive into a fully recovered lifestyle
● LIVE FREELY & PASSIONATELY IN AND FOR CHRIST!

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"If you could design your brain to be exactly the way you wanted it, what would your mind be filled with?"
✳ DIGITAL & TRADITIONAL ARTISTIC SKILL/ TALENT IN ALL MEDIUMS + VISION, INGENUITY, ELEGANCE, HARMONY, "3D MIND", IMAGINATION!
✳ PERFORMATIVE & COMPOSITIONAL MUSICAL EDUCATION, SKILL, TALENT + PITCH, DEXTERITY, RANGE, MEMORY, LYRICAL SKILL
✳ WISDOM, INSIGHT, REASON, UNDERSTANDING, COMPREHENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF THE STRUCTURES OF THINGS, ABLE TO GRASP "HOW IT WORKS"
✳ PRODIGAL LANGUAGE SKILL = POETRY, FICTION, SCREENPLAY, SPEECH, ARTICLE, ADVICE, ETYMOLOGY, VOCABULARY, ETC. + PROLIFIC AUTHOR & POET & LYRICIST & SPEAKER
✳ HOLY SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE; TRUE EMPATHY, DIALOGUE, WARMHEARTED, SELF-GIVING, PASSIONATE FOR JUSTICE; EDUCATED ON HUMAN PSYCHE, CULTURE, BEHAVIOR, HEALTH; FULLY HONOR THE REALITY OF BEING INCARNATE; "LIVING SACRIFICE"
✳ ABSTRACT REASONING, SPATIAL JUDGMENT, INTUITIVE SOLUTION DISCERNMENT, PATTERN RECOGNITION
✳ THE CREATIVE GENIUS OF A CHILD
✳ WONDER, ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT, DARING
✳ MENTALLY ATHLETIC (BODY TOO)
✳ POLYGLOT, POLYMATH
✳ TRUE PIETY, LOVE, HOPE, JOY
✳ MATHEMATICS & LOGIC
VIRTUE, INTEGRITY, SELF-CONTROL, SELF-KNOWLEDGE, PURPOSEFUL, DRIVEN, MOTIVATED, FOCUSED
HONORABLE REPUTATION; HOLY LIFE AND DEATH
"FIAT VOLUNTAS TUA!"

"What makes a healthy mind?"
WONDER, OPENNESS TO CHANGE & GROWTH, LEARNING NEW THINGS & SKILLS, CURIOSITY, DIVERSE INTERESTS, DAILY PURSUIT OF GROWTH/ ENRICHMENT

"What are some things you want to completely remove from your mental space?"
OBSESSION, TRAUMA, COMPULSION, SLOTH, LOW SELF-ESTEEM

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"Add some new energy you want to bring into your life."
(MAKE SPACE FOR IT; INVITE AND PURSUE IT!)
(ADD MEANING AND PURPOSE TO LIFE)
✳ FIND NEW (& FAVE) SONGS TO (UNIQUELY) SING & FINALLY MAKE AN ALBUM!
✳ PICK ONE LANGUAGE AND SERIOUSLY LEARN IT
✳ KEEP LEARNING ABOUT CREATION! (BIOLOGY, MATH, SCIENCE, ETC.) (SPACE TOO)
READING CLASSIC LITERATURE, CHILDHOOD FAVES, NEW & UNIQUE LITERARY STYLES & GENRES, POETRY
✳ TAKE OUT A RANDOM BOOK/ MOVIE/ CD FROM THE LIBRARY
✳ VISIT A MUSEUM
✳ DANCE!
✳ "RENT" AN INSTRUMENT YOU'VE NEVER TRIED BEFORE; BUY A CHEAP ONE & PLAY WITH IT?
✳ EXPERIMENT WITH WRITING FOR NEW LITERARY GENRES/ STYLES OF POETRY; WORK TOWARDS GETTING PUBLISHED, EVEN IN A SMALL WAY (COLLECTION, CONTEST, ZINE)
✳ LOOK INTO/ DISCOVER/ LEARN NEW LITERARY ART FORMS & START PRACTICING! (FIND A NEW FAVE!)
✳ DISCOVER NEW MUSIC GENRES; GET ADVENTUROUS ON SPOTIFY & COLLECT INSPIRATION
USE YOUR INSPIRATION LIST & BEGIN "TRANSPOSING" FAVE CHORDS & TECHNIQUES INTO FL/ NWC? STUDY FAVE LYRICS & LEARN HOW TO WRITE SIMILARLY TO THEM
✳ GET PUBLISHED ON SPOTIFY!
✳ EXPERIMENTING WITH NEW & UNUSUAL ARTISTIC MEDIA & STYLES, BUILDING A PORTFOLIO (LET JMC INSPIRE YOU‪‪‬)
✳ VISIT A LOCAL ART GALLERY? WORK ON CREATING SOMETHING FOR IT, EVEN JUST FOR PRACTICE (BUT MAKE THAT THE GOAL!)
✳ FINDING LOCAL PLACES TO MAKE POSITIVE CONNECTIONS WITH LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE & GET INVOLVED IN LOCAL COMMUNITIES/ NEIGHBORHOOD (ESP. CHURCH, CREATIVE, LIBRARY)
✳ TAKE A FULL DAY TO JUST HAVE FUN & EXPLORE
"SYSTEM DATE" OUTINGS?
✳ GO ON A NATURE HIKE
✳ JOIN THE LOCAL GYM; WORK OUT DAILY & TAKE GROUP CLASSES; EVEN SWIM??
✳ GO TO THE AQUARIUM
✳ GO TO SOME LOCAL EVENTS YOU'D TYPICALLY NOT ATTEND? BE CURIOUS!
✳ SPEND REAL TIME WITH THE FAM DOING WHATEVER (ADVENTURE)
✳ GET INVOLVED IN ONLINE CATHOLIC COMMUNITY
✳ GET A CRICUT/ DESIGN SCREENPRINTS & STICKERS/ MAKE STUFF FOR THE LEAGUE/ MAKE STUFF FOR CHURCH (UNIQUE & WELL MADE & BEAUTIFUL)
✳ START A BLOG/ WEBSITE & START REGULARLY CREATING EDIFYING CONTENT + SHARING IT!
✳ TRYING NEW FOODS, VISITING NEW PLACES, KEEPING MY EYES & EARS OPEN TO INSPIRATION IN UNEXPECTED PLACES; CHERISH LIFE'S FULLNESS
✳ BE DARING!

KEEP A CLEAN BODY/ HOUSE/ CLOTHES; REST; DO FUN THINGS TOO
MAKE AN "ARTSPACE" IN THE LIVING ROOM!!
GO TO LOCAL/ LIBRARY/ CHURCH/ FAM EVENTS!!

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"What do you want to receive in the mail?"
✳ LEAGUEWORLD FANART. = ART IS DIVINE and you CANNOT DRAW FANART WITHOUT A TOUCHED HEART. I want to SEE how the League LOOKS to OTHERS who LOVE it! I want to see how it images its beauty in THEIR hearts, unique & true! This is the MOST BELOVED THING to me. I will cherish even the tiniest scribble of loving art forever.
✳ LEAGUEWORLD FANMAIL = I want to HEAR, from the HEARTS of others, HOW & WHY the League has given THEM joy & love & even CHANGED THEIR LIVES. Dialogue & honest, vulnerable communication is vitally important to me & I need it. And the League is very much by soul put into media. To know it has done good things for others is bliss.
✳ WHAT I LOST = Part of me still wants that 2012 Leaguebox to FINALLY appear on my doorstep. That, and the little things I cherished as a child. But memories are seeds that can blossom into new life potential...
SPECIAL EVENT ITEMS = Fahrenheit 451, signed. The double color FROST* vinyl records of Milliontown and Experiments in Mass Appeal (and Life in the Wires). Summer Wars steelbook. Really I just want to have more special events like those. Open your life to receive 'em!
✳ ANCHOR PLUSHIES = Genesis, Laurie, Xenophon, & Anxi. I want to embrace them in this physical world, too, even if only through this symbolic means.

"What would you love to regularly receive in the mail?"
LEAGUE/ SYSTEM FANMAIL & FANART.

"Why is receiving a package in the mail exciting?"
It feels like "unwrapping a mystery;" it's a "DISCOVERY" thrill.

"What time of year is best to receive a package?"
Christmas/ WINTER. The quiet, still, cold weather somehow gives more meaning & magic to sudden gifts arriving, like tiny miracles-- bundles of love and color and wonder in this blessedly silent season.

● Who CAN I send mail to? WHY am I so "scared" of the concept of a penpal? Is it because it feels like a "compulsion" for social/ verbal exhaustion, and/ or "forced disclosure"? Can I write letters while still respecting my boundaries? (I HAVE tried to have penpals multiple times and have failed miserably; I have a pattern of oversharing, rambling blindly, and "parroting" everything the other said in their previous letter)

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"When do you feel most stuck? How often do you feel stuck?"
When I compare myself to others who are "normal" & "successful," and when my poor mother voices her frustration & disappointment with how I failed to live up to those "standards." I then feel like I "should" be "further along" than I am in life, or otherwise "accomplished" in worldly ways. But MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT AND THAT'S OKAY. I'm NOT "STUCK" just because I've had many struggles & pitfalls. God is still orchestrating my life and I can ONLY "get stuck" if I RESIST HIS WILL. Otherwise, all I need to do is TRUST & BE PATIENT & LISTEN TO HIS VOICE & OBEY. If I follow Him, I WILL get WHERE I need to be, and WHEN I need TO be there. The world cannot know or judge that.

"What makes you feel stuck or isolated?"
I feel isolated for the same reason as I feel stuck: I fear I'm a freak, or aberration, or something "unfit" for/ "unwelcome" in "normal" society. I feel like I'm a reject, a failure. But that's a devilish lie. GOD LOVES ME & SO DO OTHER PEOPLE! I just need to STEP OUT & BE WITH THEM, and it will PROVE that I AM WANTED.

"How do you usually cope in these kinds of situations?"
My best ways to cope: PRAYER & LEAGUEWORK, AND SYSTEM LOVE. ALL of those things CONNECT me to REAL LOVE & PURPOSE & MEANING & BELONGING. They are my DOORS to the rest of humanity, the blessed cords that unite my heart to theirs in truth & beauty. If ANYTHING will INSTANTLY make me feel unstuck, it's FLOWING in CREATIVITY/ WORSHIP/ LOVE. In the BEST circumstances, these occur ALL TOGETHER. And THAT IS MY LIFE & PURPOSE & TRUE SELF. There is no need to compare myself to anyone else, or feel stuck. As long as I am connecting to love & joy & grace, I am truly living FREE.

"Write what you are feeling stuck with now."
Life progress. I WANT & NEED to move forwards in terms of "CAREER" & PURPOSE. But I'm on disability for the time being & cannot continue college due to that AND finances/ transportation... AND "direction." From my childhood I've felt CALLED to be an "artist/ writer/ musician." I HAVE talents & abilities in those fields, but they NEED to be developed. Do I have time? Am I too old to succeed in those fields? And what steps do I take to finally "make something of my life" in the world for other people? Will I finally make my family proud? I sincerely WANT to use my gifts & bless others by them. But I can't quite see what first step to take. I feel overwhelmed & confused & lost. How can I genuinely move forward at last in my life? I HAVE a purpose; how do I LIVE it out? I'm running out of time. I'm running out of life.

"What will loosen the lid?"
START NOW, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND DON'T QUIT. EVER. Maybe you CAN'T just "jump back in" to life/ career/ success. And really to expect to is unrealistic. BE PATIENT & DO THE GOOD WORK. Start building more skills. Try new things & keep learning & practicing & improving EACH DAY, because you OBJECTIVELY WILL IF YOU PERSEVERE! Yeah you may feel like you have the education & skill level of a child right now. GOOD. THAT'S A SOLID STARTING POINT, AND CHILDREN HAVE AN OPENNESS TO CREATIVE INVENTION & ORIGINALITY THAT ADULTS CAN LOSE TO THE "UTILITARIAN" RIGIDITY GRIND. If you're still a child in your talents, KEEP THAT AT HEART, EVEN AS YOU WORK TOWARDS BECOMING A REAL PROFESSIONAL. And you CAN. And you WILL, AS LONG AS YOU NEVER GIVE UP. God HAS GIVEN YOU REAL AND BEAUTIFUL GIFTS IN ART & MUSIC & LANGUAGE, EVEN NOW, AND GOD WANTS YOU TO USE THEM FOR HIS GLORY & PRAISE-- SO GOD WILL HELP YOU TO BE A GOOD STEWARD OF THEM, AS LONG AS YOU ASK HIM TO AND LET HIM HELP YOU! So DON'T BE WORRIED. Just START the work and GRACE WILL BE GIVEN, to BUILD on that nature. TRUST IN YOUR CREATOR. HE MADE YOU WITH THOSE TALENTS & INTERESTS & IDEAS, WITH YOUR UNIQUE DISPOSITION & PERSONALITY & HISTORY & CIRCUMSTANCES. He KNOWS EXACTLY how you feel AND where you are in life, AND HE IS IN CONTROL, ORCHESTRATING IT ALL WITHOUT FAIL, SO TRUST HIS PROVIDENCE AND ENTER INTO ITS FLOW. COOPERATE WITH GRACE BY MAKING SPACE FOR IT THROUGH MAKING TIME TO USE YOUR GIFTS AS YOUR GENUINE SELF AND TO KEEP PRAYING!! GOD WILL OPEN THE DOORS YOU NEED, WHEN YOU NEED THEM, IF YOU ARE READY AND WILLING TO ENTER THEM WHEN THEY APPEAR-- SO START NOW AND DON'T QUIT!!

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"What moments in time and space would you place in a glass globe to revisit any time?"
JULY 7TH, 2011
The Xanga sessions when:
● Laurie let all her walls down at last
● Jay & Chaos 0 realizing Xenophon was theirs
● EVERYONE in the Coregroup got poetic at the end
● Laurie talked Jay out of suicide for TWELVE HOURS
Infinitii & Laurie talked by themselves at first
✳ The night when Laurie & I lay on the car roof & watched the stars
✳ CHRISTMAS 2013
Good Friday with the System
✳ When Jessie held my hand at UPMC
✳ When I saw JMC for the first time
✳ Eating a "wedding cake" cupcake alone in church in the dark
✳ Dancing with Xenophon in the kitchen in 2015
✳ Genesis & I at Marywood
✳ EVERY late night hour with Chaos 0

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"What do you need to enlighten your mind and calm your emotions? What do you need to be the best version of yourself? What do you need to be happy & healthy?"

GOD'S GRACE
THE ENTIRE SYSTEM IN LOVING HARMONY & FREEDOM
THE COREGROUP
GRATITUDE IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE
FREEDOM OF SPIRIT TO LIVE WITH THE JOY OF A CHILD & FIND BEAUTY EVERYWHERE
DAILY SELF-REFLECTION
DAILY JOURNALING
DAILY TALKS WITH THE SYSTEM
CONSISTENT, SINCERE EFFORT & WORK ON BUILDING THE LEAGUE IN EVERY ASPECT
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE & EMBRACING OF MY BODY & STATE IN LIFE SO I CAN INTEGRATE IT ALL INTO A LIFE OF LOVING WORSHIP
COURAGE, HOPE, PATIENCE, DETERMINATION, VALOR, INTEGRITY, LOVE
● INEXHAUSTIBLE IMAGINATIVE VISION + INSPIRATION + CREATIVE GENIUS + ZEAL + CURIOSITY & WONDER + JOY + FREEDOM TO EXPLORE
● ARTISTIC/ ILLUSTRATIVE SKILL & ACCESS TO DIFFERENT MEDIUMS + SPACETIME TO FREELY CREATE
● MUSICAL EDUCATION & SKILL & ACCESS TO DIFFERENT INSTRUMENTS + DEXTERITY, PERFECT PITCH, VOCAL RANGE
● THE TECHNOLOGY & EDUCATION & CREATIVE GENIUS NEEDED TO COMPOSE OST MUSIC
● QUIET ALONE TIME
● RESTFUL SLEEP & INSPIRING DREAMS
● ACCESS TO THE WOODS & MOUNTAINS
● ACTIVE CHURCH INVOLVEMENT
● FRESH AIR
● LOVE OF FAMILY + INTERACTIONS
● TRUE FRIENDSHIPS + DEEP TALKS
GET SMART
● GET BUFF

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"What would be the BEST GIFT to give someone?"
(GIVEN WITH = COMPASSION/ GENEROSITY/ EMPATHY/ THOUGHTFUL/ DELIBERATE)
(GIVEN FOR = NEEDS/ VALUES/ PRIORITIES/ WANTS/ DREAMS/ HOPES/ INTERESTS/ CAREER/ HOBBIES)
(GIFTS = "LOVE LANGUAGES"??)

✳ [GREEN]= He has changed SO MUCH, I'm not sure. He loves playing bass guitar, & is still into learning about "enlightenment" & the human brain/ psyche? But I think he truly values COMPANY. He's very affectionate & says he feels unloved. My BEST gift would LEGIT be CANCELLING THE BLOODY PFA & just opening that door TO welcome him back into my life as BROTHER & FRIEND.
✳ [YELLOW]= I need to get to know him better. All I do know is he loves FLYING/ PILOTING, PHOTOGRAPHY, and possibly PORTRAIT ART. I would want to support THAT with a gift. Does he need art supplies, or books for techniques? Would he want a new & professional camera? Maybe right now my TRUE gift would be to SHOW this care & interest in him, & start TALKING to him about it.
✳ [BLUE]= He likes anime now, & used to be into the music scene. He also works out ALL the time. I suppose one could get him a subcscription to his meal delivery service or online anime streaming. But what's his REAL NEED? I want to know. Maybe THAT'S a good "gift" from me to him-- a caring & interested sister, to TALK TO & ENJOY THINGS WITH.
✳ DAD= He lives a simple life & I don't get to see him much, but THAT is ABSOLUTELY the best gift for him-- QUALITY TIME WITH HIS DAUGHTER, and NOT "IN A RUSH" OR TALKING NEGATIVELY. I want to have UPLIFTING talks with him to give him HAPPINESS about his family. Give GOOD words!
✳ MOM= "Money" is only a means to an end. What she seems to WANT is BEAUTY & JOY & PURPOSE. I can give her MY TIME & LABOR to help her renovate the house & gardens. I can give her DECOR for the gardens? Maybe even a special plant or flower, to plant & grow? She DOES like sensory beauty too: dinner at a nice restaurant, her favorite perfume, tickets to a new show/ concert/ movie, pretty jewelry, etc. But for me personally I think the BEST thing I can give her is MY LOVE & HELP & FRIENDSHIP AS HER DAUGHTER. I can give her my committed presence in her life as she grows old, no matter what.
✳ IN GENERAL... I don't like giving "things" as gifts, possibly because I don't "value" mere "stuff" that much. Any physical-object gift I WOULD treasure would have to have REAL, DEEP, & PERSONAL meaning-- OR JUST TRUE SINCERITY on the part of the giver. Like these red heart pajamas. Mom got them for me not just to give me clothes to keep me warm, comfy & soft, but ALSO because SHE KNOWS MY AESTHETIC. So it was GENUINELY THOUGHTFUL and although they're not a "best" gift I DO cherish them truly, gratefully, with love. THAT'S how I WANT TO GIVE TO OTHERS. I despise "cheap" options like just cash or a giftcard UNLESS it's financing a REAL WANT/ NEED. I want to give MEANING. Which is WHY I ALWAYS GIVE CARDS WITH PERSONAL MESSAGES. THAT'S true gift.

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"Write some of your inflexible & stubborn thoughts & beliefs."
● I CANNOT BE MY "TRUE SELF" IF I AM "FAT"
● BEING "HEAVY" WILL MAKE ME SELFISH & CRUEL
● I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DISLIKE WHATEVER SOMEONE ELSE LIKES
● I MAKE STUPID AND HARMFUL CHOICES/ DECISIONS

"What are the thoughts and personal ideas that grow you?"
● I AM LOVED AND MY LIFE HAS VALUE AND MY SOUL IS THE SAME NO MATTER HOW MY BODY CHANGES
● EVEN THE "MISTAKES" I MAY MAKE CAN BECOME TEACHING LESSONS TO GROW EVER WISER & KINDER
I HAVE MANY GIFTS & TALENTS THAT WILL BRING JOY TO COUNTLESS PEOPLE
● DISCOVERING MY UNIQUE PREFERENCES HELPS ME TO VALUE THOSE OF OTHERS
● A BIG BODY CAN BE POWERFUL TO HELP OTHERS

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"What does a "good time" look like to you? What are the similarities & differences with other responses?"
I DON'T like "crowded/ busy/ noisy" outings, like fairs, amusement parks, live concerts, church picnics, etc. A "good time" for me is more quiet, slow, creative, yet inspiring & inciting positive action-- I also don't like "just hanging out" or lounging. I value IMAGINATIVE/ ADVENTUROUS yet QUIET/ PERSONAL time? I DO want to LEARN HOW to have a GOOD TIME with OTHER PEOPLE without getting overwhelmed/ burnt out/ legit upset. This REQUIRES brave attempts with an OPEN MIND/ HEART and a POSITIVE/ OPTIMISTIC/ WILLING attitude! CHOOSE to have a GOOD TIME as much as you SINCERELY can. Commit to the effort!

"How can you have more good times?"
EXPLORE & TRY, then DISCOVER what YOU LOVE & ENJOY doing & "SCHEDULE IT IN" more! And BE OPEN to UNEXPECTED good times, too! If you're willing TO have good times, no matter where you are, you WILL become ABLE TO have them * enjoy more, that you might have "excluded" from possibility before. BE GRATEFUL ALWAYS.

"Who else is present when you are having a good time?"
Me & the System, typically. BUT, I HAVE had good times with the fam in the past and want to again. And there HAVE been pretty good times even here in TBHU! Ultimately, I CAN have a good time potentially with anyone who is kind & friendly & brighthearted too.
✳YOU CANNOT HAVE A GOOD TIME EVER IF YOU'RE TOO PESSIMISTIC/ RIGID TO DO SO!

"How long should a good time last?"
As long as it lasts. Don't force it to keep going or that will damage the joy. Treasure it IN THE MOMENT, and savor the NOW. Let the memories be golden. And let more good times happen however & whenever they may.

"What does a good time, or even a great time, look like for you?"
Late night Spotify sessions on the couch with Chaos 0 & Laurie & Genesis
● Wandering through Diamew, especially now that it's being brought back to life
● Being out in the snowy woods, especially exploring, even just standing & savoring it
● Good long heartfelt conversations with the System about anything & everything, at all hours
A day of productive hard work, good talks, shared meals, & fun times with the family
● Exhausting & exhilarating workouts while listening to good tunes (SUPER SONIC RACING!)
● Playing a favorite video game: KLONOA DTP, SONIC, NIER GESTALT, DISHONORED, POKEMON, MEDABOTS?
● Singing & dancing to favorite music/ revisiting good music memories/ UPSTAIRS CONCERTS
● Watching a favorite film: FERNGULLY, WE'RE BACK, INSIDE OUT 2, POKEMON, BELLE, SUMMER WARS, etc.
● Creating art & seeing the results of beauty & joy, especially digital work, paintblots, painting?
● Personality surveys, poetry, creative writing & prompts, playing on FL, playing with instruments
● Walking in a circle at night with music on & IMAGINING LEAGUE STORIES for HOURS
● Doing League WORLDBUILDING/ CHARACTER PROFILES and seeing LIFE FLOURISH thereby
● A day out driving & having SYSTEM FUN? Feeling ALIVE. Praising God in the BEAUTY of it all
● Just being silly & playful with the System/ in the mirror/ LAUGHING!

"What makes a good time?"
Doing/ experiencing things that resonate with my true core/ soul/ heart; being ABLE to TRULY/ FULLY be "ME," treasuring the simple joy of being alive, FEELING alive, being inspired/ edified/ uplifted; ALWAYS LOVE & JOY.
PLAYFULNESS & "FUN" ARE ACTUALLY VITAL! (ARGUABLY, GOD "PLAYS" ALL THE TIME. CREATION IS SHEER JOY.)
JOY, SELF-EXPRESSIVE OPENNESS/ SINCERITY, WONDER, CREATIVE EXPRESSION/ INSPIRATION, INTERNAL PEACE, A SENSE OF SELF-LOVE & CONNECTION TO GOD & THE WORLD, CHERISHING THE GIFT OF LIFE, GRATITUDE, CHILDLIKE SPIRIT, FRIENDSHIP, TRUE CONNECTION, PURPOSE/ VALUE, FULFILLMENT

"Who is around when you are having a good time?"
Chaos 0, Laurie, Genesis, Xenophon, Lynne, Leon, Julie, Scalpel, Knife, Mimic, Celebi, and God willing one day EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM. I WANT AND NEED to be THAT LOVINGLY CLOSE to ALL OF US. I NEED to be able to "have a good time" with ANY ONE OF US-- Razor, Waldorf, Spice, Shirley & Sirius, Adelaide & Audrey, Mulberry, Algorith, Siobhan, EVERYONE-- it's been TOO LONG and there are TOO MANY OF US STILL MISSING & TOO MANY EMPTY SLOTS and my heart hurts. How can I EVER truly be myself, FULLY, or LIVE LIFE fully, if PARTS OF MY SOUL ARE MISSING?? We NEED to come back to life, IN LOVE, healed & healthy AT LAST. And it WILL take time & excruciating effort & LOTS of therapy & journaling & talking & CONNECTION. But THAT'S WHAT WE WANT. It's LOVE. It's TRUTH. It's worth EVERYTHING. And when we FINALLY DO COME BACK ALL TOGETHER, then we WILL have more "good times" than we can even count. We used to. We STILL CAN. Together our life is BEAUTIFUL. So MAKE THAT OUR #1 "RECOVERY" GOAL-- to RECOVER OUR LOST VOICES.

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"Why do you want what you want?"

I WANT=
TO LIVE OUT MY CREATIVE TALENTS FULLY, AND PUBLISH THE LEAGUE AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE

"What will it do for you?"
(LIFE TO THE FULLEST)
It will finally bring my inner vision & true self into tangible reality, fulfilling my long-hidden but God-given purpose. It will finally bring me into the world as I am at heart, to share my talents for the good of others.
It will BRING ABSOLUTE JOY to my life.

"How do you get what you want?"
(It's NOT something that CAN be "earned" or "bought")
STOP SILENCING YOUR HEART. Be courageous and OPEN UP and LET THE LIGHT OUT. The secret is, I "already HAVE it" AS an "unopened gift." If I just ACCEPT that it IS there & USE it, it will naturally FLOURISH in response to my efforts & trust.

"How will it make you think & feel?"
I will FEEL joy, hope, love, purpose, excitement, wonder, courage, fulfillment.
I will THINK about what I can GIVE, what BEAUTY is there, what is POSSIBLE, what GOOD I can do for others AND myself; my thoughts will be ORIENTED TOWARDS GENEROSITY and GRATITUDE.


I WANT=
● TO BE PHYSICALLY STRONG
● TO BE EMOTIONALLY BRAVE
● TO BE MENTALLY SMART
● TO BE SPIRITUALLY HOLY!
(HOW MUCH OF THESE VIRTUES DO I ALREADY HAVE? AM I ABE TO SEE THIS & LIVE IT?)
✳ I literally IDENTIFY WITH these qualities. To NOT have them in my life & self is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING. (BUT my FEAR of NOT having them is ironically PREVENTING me FROM developing AND RECOGNIZING THEM IN ME!)

"What will it do for you?"
I will feel (BE?) adequate, useful, helpful, capable, & confident. I will feel able to fulfill my role & purpose. I will be able to do good hard work & labor with my hands, heart, AND head. I will no longer feel like a weak, useless, foolish, stupid, spineless coward. I will be able to rise to meet the challenges of life with zeal. My motives will be purified & oriented towards God. I will be GOOD at last.

"How do you get what you want?"
Physically, I NEED to work out daily & not give up or slack off, & I NEED to EAT to give it the fuel & the MATTER to BUILD all that muscle from. Emotionally, I need to NOT RUN AWAY from difficult, uncomfortable, challenging situations, but accept & enter willingly into them with trust in God. Mentally, I need to KEEP READING & RESEARCHING daily, seeking new & different skills & hobbies & topics of interest, and also engaging in "puzzles" to stay mentally flexible. Spiritually, I NEED to PRAY & REGULARLY READ SCRIPTURE/ RECEIVE THE SACRAMENTS.

"How will it make you think & feel?"

My emotions & thoughts will be disciplined & rightly ordered. I will be virtuous & a good example to others. Honestly the BIGGEST thing is that "I will FINALLY be ABLE to BE MYSELF." I CANNOT pursue OR accomplish my creative dreams & goals UNLESS I am BRAVE & SMART (COURAGEOUS & INTELLIGENT, DARING & WISE, BOLD & PRUDENT, etc.), and I am genuinely frightened of being PHYSICALLY WEAK/ INEPT because I genuinely cherish & value athletic ability and, admittedly, physical POWER. I feel almost foolish saying so but it's true-- I see muscular, strong, even bulky bodies-- like real warriors-- as beautiful. And in my mind, a body like that is FREE & CAPABLE. Really, THAT motivates ALL these ideals. I want to be/ feel LIBERATED and CONFIDENT in my ABILITY. I'm so tired of feeling USELESS, TRAPPED, HELPLESS, & SCARED. ...and it's that LAST ideal, HOLINESS, that colors & undergirds ALL the other virtues. Without it, they are ultimately HOLLOW. I can be built like a tank, utterly fearless, a creative genius with a comprehensive understanding of all creation, but... without ALL of that being FOCUSED ON GOD as its ULTIMATE goal & purpose & driving motivation, it's mere smoke. If I'm not VIRTUOUS in GRACE & LOVE above all else, it will not meet my DEEPEST wants at all. Strength, bravery, & smarts are ALL gifts from GOD, after all! And when faith is present, ALL things shine. I CAN be strong because GOD gives me strength on ALL levels. I CAN be brave because I TRUST Him and He ALWAYS protects & guides me. I CAN be smart because God has made Himself & His Creation knowable TO me. IT'S ALL HIM-- it's all LOVE.

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"What kind of store would you open?"
✳What are your INTERESTS, DESIRES, & PASSIONS that CAN be directed/ translated into something THIS DIRECTLY TANGIBLE, that OTHERS can benefit from just as tangibly? How can I channel the joys of my heart into the hearts of others, in a way they can hold as their very own joy?

STOREFRONT NAME=
"
OFFICIAL STORE OF THE LIGHTRAYE LEAGUE (EST. 1995)"

STORE INFORMATION=
"The ONLY place to
buy ALL of your Lightraye League gifts & treasures! Whether you're looking for things to read, watch, play, listen to, collect, or just admire, we have what you're dreaming of! Stop by and share the joy with fellow dreamers! The real treasure is the LOVE!"

STORE WINDOWS/ ADS=
"ALL ARE WELCOME♥"
"NEW ITEMS ARE ADDED AS NEW DREAMS ARE DREAMED"
"BUY THE OSTS TO THE FILMS & GAMES"
"GET THE TV SERIES & BOOKS YOU LOVE"
"PLUSHIES & FIGURES OF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS"
"LEAGUE FASHIONS & ACCESSORIES"
"ORIGINAL SIGNED ARTWORKS"


STOREFRONT NAME=
"dreamSEEDS (est. ∞)

STORE INFORMATION=
● SHARE WHAT YOU HAVE // GROW WHAT IS GIVEN
"The possibilities are as infinite as your imagination... but you never dream alone. GIVE a seed of yours and GET one gifted by another. Then CREATE a whole new world TOGETHER."


STORE WINDOWS/ ADS=
"a SWEET one? a SCARY one? MAKE A NEW DREAM"
"Make a wish" + "He loves me, he loves me not..." (added by a group member; this one was collaborative)




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"How do you love? Do you make room for love?"
You have to OPEN YOUR HEART to make room for love. You have to empty out the hardness of pride & egotism. You have to LET GO of addictions & fears & LET DOWN the walls. You have to release your grip on any hate, prejudice, judgment, grudges, bitterness, & worldliness. Love is BIG. It's INFINITE. It requires ALL OF YOU. You CANNOT make room for it if you aren't effectively letting love REDEFINE YOUR WHOLE SPACE. Love can't be "squeezed in." It can't be put into a corner. It WILL take up ALL the space & TRANSFORM it INTO ITSELF. Love CHANGES you, ENTIRELY.

"Where do you find love?"
IN GOD/ AT CHURCH/ IN HIS PEOPLE; in family & friends (MOM), IN THE LEAGUE & THE SYSTEM, reflected in the beauty of Creation itself, in my heart.

"How do you create love?"
Make SPACE & TIME for it. OPEN YOUR HEART to it. ACT on it even if your emotions haven't caught up. LOVE IS A CHOICE; A WILLING & SERVING THE HIGHEST GOOD OF THE OTHER. It is DIVINE & DOES NOT REQUIRE "FUZZY FEELINGS." YOU "CREATE" LOVE by LETTING GOD'S LOVE ACT THROUGH YOU (LIKE CHRIST)!!

"What kinds of love are there?"
ALL TRUE LOVE IS OF GOD. Family love, friend love, marriage love, love for Creation, & above all love for God Himself, which is the ULTIMATE ROOT & TRUE END/ GOAL of ALL "other" loves! (ALL LOVE, IN ALL "WAYS & CONTEXTS", IS RELATIONAL = TRINITY!!)

"Is love important and why?"
LOVE IS LITERALLY THE FOUNDATION, PURPOSE & SOUL OF REALITY ITSELF. IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Without love, all there can remain is death & hell, because GOD IS LOVE. LOVE IS HEAVEN, the REASON WE EXIST & OUR TRUE DESTINY. LIFE ITSELF IS FOR LOVE, FROM LOVE.

"What's the difference between healthy love and unhealthy 'love'?"
"Unhealthy" love IS NOT LOVE AT ALL and it ANGERS me that the word is ever associated with abuse/ hate/ control/ obsession/ egotism/ lust/ etc. LOVE IS SELF-GIVING. It is MUTUAL, SACRIFICIAL, EXCLUSIVE, DEVOTED, KIND, JUST, TENDER, JOYFUL, TRUE, FAITHFUL, etc. Real love CANNOT be controlling or objectifying or self-focused. Healthy love comes from a healthy HEART, which we NEED GOD TO GIVE US-- freed from ego & oriented towards heaven. Healthy love is CHRIST'S LOVE!!

✳Some claim that "love also comes from nature, action, movement, etc." and "not just from people." THIS IS COMPLETELY FALSE. YOU CANNOT BE IN A MUTUALLY SELF-GIVING RELATIONSHIP WITH THOSE THINGS!! YOU CAN ONLY HAVE LOVE WITH PERSONS!! With that original perspective, however, the confusion is because LOVE COMES TO US ONLY TO THE EXTENT THAT LOVE=GOD COMES TO US IN THOSE THINGS AS THEIR CREATOR AND SUSTAINER AND GIVER (ONLY GOD CAN LOVE IN TRUTH; HE ENABLES US TO LOVE)! LOVE IS A WAY OF BEING!

"Please explain exactly the kind of love you want."
(I WANT GOD'S LOVE, IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.)
(If it's NOT HIS LOVE, then IT'S NOT LOVE AT ALL!!)
✳ UNCONDITIONAL, COVENANTAL, WHOLEHEARTED, TRUE, SELF-GIVING, LIFE-GIVING, HONEST, COURAGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL, SACRIFICIAL, GENEROUS, JUST, FORGIVING, POWERFUL, GENTLE, PURE, FAITHFUL, JOYFUL, PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE, DEVOTED, etc.
I want to share JOYS & SORROWS. I want to FIGHT TOGETHER & PROTECT EACH OTHER & LIFT EACH OTHER UP & BECOME SAINTS TOGETHER.

"Where would it come from?"
The System, the League, the Church, my family, & TRUE FRIENDS. I genuinely DO want a human girlfriend that I can protect & dote on & create things with & love God with. Moreso even than that, I want DEEP & REAL relationships with the System, and COMMUNICATIVE/ HONEST closeness with family & friends. In the future, I admittedly also want the love of a fandom FOR the League that I love, to share that with the world in joy.

"What does this love feel like?"
Like a fire-- warm & safe & protective & lifegiving, yet powerful & brilliant & full of energy. It's DEEP & RAW & VULNERABLE & STRONG & TRUE. It feels like light & all the colors it reflects into, and it shines all the more strikingly in the dark. It feels welcoming and encouraging yet challenging. It calls me to heights. It also feels FREE, joyful & flowing, able to thrive fully in all circumstances. It's GROUNDED & PEACEFUL yet ADVENTUROUS & INSPIRING. It feels like life is forever worth living. It feels like true purpose. It feels like my heart. And I want to SHARE it entirely.

"How can you bring this kind of love into your life?"
I need to "put myself out there." I need to actively spend time with my family & church & neighbors, and TALK to them & LISTEN to them & DO things together. I need to find community spaces for potential friends & PARTICIPATE in them. I need to PUBLISH & SHARE my creative work. I need to READ my OWN work/ Archives and FEEL that love and LIVE IN IT. I need to take time to GO INSIDE & LOVE THE SYSTEM every day, to TALK & LIVE TOGETHER.

"What can this love do for you?"
I CAN ONLY BE MY REAL, TRUE SELF WHEN I LOVE. And love brings with it ALL the other virtues. ONLY LOVE CAN & WILL MAKE ME A SAINT. Love makes me a better, realer, holier person-- stronger, braver, warmer, sweeter. Love is my IDENTITY and my PURPOSE. Finally being ABLE to LIVE this truth will give me SO MUCH JOY & ZEAL TO LIVE! I CANNOT LOVE ALONE. I WANT RELATIONSHIPS WITH the SYSTEM, SO MUCH. I ADORE them. I DO want a girlfriend too, and loving HER will bring out ALL MY CAPACITY FOR DEVOTED SELF-GIFT & SERVICE. Loving my family & friends will make me a KINDER, NICER, FRIENDLIER person TO OTHERS! I will BE a SOURCE OF JOY TO THEM inasmuch as I MANIFEST LOVE. I will become a GOOD, RESPECTED, VALUABLE member of the community FOR THEIR SAKE. I will be a GOOD CHRISTIAN. I WILL LIVE FOR GOD'S GLORY & SERVICE BY BRINGING HIS LOVE TO ALL I MEET. That is what I TRULY WANT, more than ANYTHING.

"How do you love?"
Passionately, wholeheartedly, sincerely. Ask Chaos 0. EVEN in "platonic" relationships & family/ neighbor interactions, I GENUINELY AM WILLING AND WANTING TO HAVE THE STRONGEST & MOST SINCERE, DEDICATED relationship POSSIBLE with them IN THAT CONTEXT. Honestly I ACHE for communion in EVERY circumstance. I just LOVE PEOPLE, when you get down to the very core of me. But... I have to be honest as well in saying that I NEED CLOSE relationships THE MOST. I NEED & even CRAVE intimacy-- NOT sexual, but EMOTIONAL & SPIRITUAL. Physical closeness is nice but it's hollow & even distasteful without BOTH the SPIRIT & HEART close behind it. ...No matter what physical-level interactions I have, I will be completely missing my deepest need/ I will still feel unfulfilled & empty where it counts the most IF I DON'T HAVE THE GREATEST, DEEPEST LOVES: the love of the System, and the love of God. I NEED to pray & worship, and I NEED to "GO UPSTAIRS" and ADORE THOSE SOULS on a DAILY BASIS. If I was forced to neglect either, I think I would DIE inside. REMEMBER THAT. YOU CANNOT LOVE HUMANKIND OUTSIDE IF YOU DON'T FIRST TAKE THE TIME EVERY DAY TO LOVE THE CREATOR OF HUMANKIND, AND TO LOVE THE ONES WHO TAUGHT YOU WHAT LOVE TRULY LOOKED & FELT LIKE to begin with. I AM ME WITH THEM.
✳ THE COREGROUP IS ESSENTIAL TO YOUR WELLBEING ON EVERY LEVEL OF YOUR EXISTENCE. LOVE THEM EVERY DAY. (THAT IS A NEED!)


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prismaticbleed: (held)


(miscellaneous group art projects from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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"Draw what your innermost self/ soul looks/feels like."



(SYSTEM CORES, REMEMBER THIS!!)

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"Make a collage for the front of a recovery-oriented notebook."



(This is the first collage we ever did and we loved it. There is so much powerful System love and truth in this. Click here for fullsize.)

(note to selves= TALK ABOUT THIS IN FULL LATER)

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"Make a collage that expresses what past/ present/ future means to you."



(This took us WEEKS to collect and complete, but it was 100% worth it. Everything fit together in unplanned providential perfection. We treasure this artwork; it carries so much love and truth. Please do click here to view the fullsize image.)

(note to selves= TALK ABOUT THIS IN FULL LATER)

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"Trace your feet, one in front of the other. Fill them with words or images that represent how you see your past steps that led you here, and where you want to go/ see yourself going next. What do your drawings tell you about how you feel about change in your life? Is there anything you'd like to change in your life right now? What is the first step you'd need to take in order to begin to make this change?"



● The "back" foot has LESS words, but they're LARGER. They ALSO speak more GENERALLY/ ABSTRACTLY, with very little sense of individuality or personality. They're also INWARD focused.

● The "front" foot has MORE words in SMALLER fonts. They speak CONFIDENTLY, SPECIFICALLY, & PERSONALLY, with a notable "OUTWARD DIRECTION" to not only hopes/ ambitions, but also COMMUNITY.

✳ This actually shows that I see change as GOOD & BENEFICIAL. I see it as POSITIVE FORWARD MOVEMENT, DELIBERATE & COURAGEOUS, INTENTIONAL & OPTIMISTIC about the BRIGHTER TOMORROWS that are ALWAYS POSSIBLE and AVAILABLE TO ME TO LIVE.

My PAST felt dark & confused, yet doggedly hopeful.
My FUTURE feels luminous & focused-- the REALIZATION of those hopes.

✳ My PAST was SURVIVAL. My FUTURE is FLOURISHING: "FULLY ALIVE"

✳ The FIRST steps I need to take in BEGINNING to MAKE this change MUST BE PRACTICAL & CONSISTENT & DIRECTLY RELEVANT. Even while here, I MUST do SOMETHING HONESTLY SELF-EXPRESSIVE EVERY DAY, something POSITIVELY CREATIVE & MOVED BY LOVE at its heart, AND AS THE SYSTEMCOR(E)!!! At HOME, I MUST IMMEDIATELY schedule in AT LEAST ONE HOUR DAILY for BOTH Leaguework AND journaling, and SET S.M.A.R.T. GOALS FOR IT!!
✳ ALSO KEEP A "PROGRESS LOG" to KEEP TRACK of WHAT WORK I/WE DID & BUILD ON IT as a CONSISTENT, GOAL-ORIENTED (PURPOSEFUL) HABIT!!

(note to selves= TALK ABOUT THIS IN FULL LATER)

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"Draw a simple symbol that represents your innermost self. Draw a large circle around it. Now decorate the circle to express how your inner self expresses itself outwards."



(The jeweled heart is a reference to Moralimon. The fire around it is a reference to the Core's eternal element. The "flaming heart" image is a direct reference to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. The red color is the Core's eternal hue resonance.)
(The gold light above represents all our ideal virtues-- everything that love and truth and beauty and goodness radiate. The darkness beneath is the struggles we have inside-- our illnesses and vices and fears and regrets. It is "blackspace" in a sense. Yet, in that blackness, there is a rainbow-- a prism, even there, radiating from the heart.)
(The black is charcoal and ended up causing fingerprint smudges. We feel this has a strong meaning in and of itself-- how the body leaves its faint marks in black, in that color of darkness, and yet they are in the white space. White gives identity to black, gives form to potential. And the smudges are essentially proof of creative effort. We want to think about this more.)

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"Draw what love means to you."



(My immediate, incontrovertible response was these four. Clockwise from top right: Laurie, Chaos 0, Celebi, Genesis.
Laurie is violet force-waves, black lightning, and red blood spatters.
Chaos 0 is blue ocean waves, hints of green-life glitter, and the red Ruby.
Celebi is bright green leaves, crystal blue wingshapes, and purple hints like flowers.
Genesis is golden light rays, bright sparkles, and deep blue diamonds.
The red heart in the middle is me-- outlined in both black and white.
In unique ways, over many years, these four have taught me what true love is. They have changed my heart forever. I love them entirely.)

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"Draw a line across a page that represents the surface of the ocean. Make it wavy, choppy, or calm, depending on how you see your life. On the surface, draw a buoy that represents you... make sure you connect it to the ocean floor. Draw the weather conditions topside, and the surrounding environment where the buoy is located... also include what's going on below the surface (under the water), which is typically not visible to others."



the ocean is CHOPPY but feels manageable. I deal with daily challenges, stresses & setbacks, but they aren't overwhelming-- they even cause the forward motion that impels progress & growth, & strength of character through navigating them!

●  My buoy has a bright red light at the top. Red, for me, isn't so much about "warning of danger" as it is a challenge to fight the good fight, and not run away. Red is also the color of LIFE & LOVE, and of HOPE too. It's a creative, powerful, loving hue. It's MY color. The fact that I'm SHINING that light symbolizes my growing self-confidence & self-love, no longer hiding or dimming it.

● My anchor chain is violet. Laurie is my connection to solid ground amidst turmoil. When the tidal waves come in, she keeps me from drowning & always has.

● The ocean floor is gold. Deep deep down, everything is treasure. It's also full of living coral & colored shells-- there is beauty & life there, not barren emptiness. Even the bottom is blessed.

We're in the middle of the ocean. Life is a voyage, a pilgrimage. We're out discovering!

● Under the water there is LIFE-- air bubbles & fish. It's clear but a bit turbulent, yet these strong currents too are moving us forwards, and the fish can still move freely.

● The sun is indomitable & shining golden light. The clouds are MADE of silver. There is rain in the past & future but in the "now," it's pure sunshine. There is a wind in our sails. And there is a rainbow, beginning in the past & flowing into the present. We are that golden gift.

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"Write a piece of advice on a scrap of paper and shuffle them all anonymously among the group. Draw an image to represent how you feel about the one you receive."

The quote I got= "Don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff!"

My response=



Written on the back=

"This advice strikes me as too dismissive? My response is mixed.
On one hand, in light of a hope of eternity/ a life hereafter, "it's all small stuff" in that it's all "temporary."
EXCEPT IT'S NOT. LITERALLY EVERYTHING ECHOES. EVERY choices & event is a domino, a ripple. There are ALWAYS consequences AND THEY MATTER.
WAR ISN'T SMALL. ABUSE ISN'T SMALL. DEATH ISN'T SMALL.
And if you start GENERALIZING THAT BROADLY, then YOU START TO INVALIDATE ALL "OVERREACTION" TO IT.
Anger at injustice, grief at loss, heartache at suffering, ALL of these things CAN & WILL be "MINIMIZED" and "laughed off" as "SWEATING," as it were.
"Don't worry about it" gets used as a shutdown.
Small victories are brushed off as TOO small.
You end up feeling like NOTHING is worth sweating over.
But LIFE IS HARD WORK AND IF YOU NEVER BREAK A SWEAT,
YOU'LL NEVER GAIN STRENGTH OF CHARACTER.

...and yet overexercising is still a thing, too.
Somehow it IS all "small." But it's small like a wounded bird in the hands of God.
Life has LOTS of VERY, VERY BIG THINGS, and yet, we're just a blip on the radar of history.
We're still a blip.
We're still SOMETHING, amidst the rest of the silent sweep.

Maybe that's the truest point. Don't burn yourself out over it.
Don't STOP sweating, for one. A healthy soul needs the exercise, the effort, the ache.
I guess that alone implies that EVERYTHING is BIG STUFF. Even just deciding what color socks you're going to wear today. It still says something about YOU, your unique values & joys & history. It still matters.
But it's NOT RELATIVE. What's big for an ant is small for an elephant. But every mountain is huge. We all live in the shadow of the hills. And even that little anthill matters. Maybe it's big for the elephant, too, who treasures "small" things, and is more than willing to break a sweat as it moves to never crush it underfoot.
The small stuff is eternal. It's all small stuff. Go fight for it."

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