103017

 

 

woke up around 9am with horrific stomach pain to the point of our head spinning. went on for a few hours, continuing from last night and yesterday.
at least we weren't a moody horror from it like yesterday, which we feel awful about. but we still had such a difficult time getting out of bed. just didn't feel right. sick and wrong and stuffed with dirty cotton. just not wanting to get up ever.

woke up again later, 1pm?
did we talk trauma? memory is so bad. i have a feeling something vague but important was discussed.
feeling so warm and safe in oliver's arms. the contrast nearly made us weep. to feel so ill and undeserving, so alien to ourself, and yet to STILL have this, to have him, to have them... god. that's the definition of unconditional love. please remember that always.
i remember we talked to kris. we mentioned that we missed him terribly, and he showed up. i remember laughing and crying in tired grateful happiness, just for the fact of his existence, the casual appearance of him, the reality of his existence anything but a casual thing. the reality of being two systems wrapped up in bodies in the sunlight sparkling through the blinds. shadows and light dancing in the cold. the warmth we were wrapped in. the voices that are not ours and are ours and are everyone's. words of protection and love and friendship and understanding. community. connection. it's worth the world.

got out of bed around 3pm.
still having troubles with our stomach. down to 98 pounds on the scale. not sure what to do. worried about dehydration on top of everything else. but we'll manage. we'll take care of ourself. we always do our best. we promise. you know this.

breakfast was a compulsion-caused mistake, as we made too much. instead of what we wanted-- just cilantro and cucumber, to ease our stomach-- we thought "but we HAVE to have protein!" so we put like 5 eggs in there because we planned on not eating again until like 9pm or so. that's no excuse. three eggs is ALL we can stomach and we KNOW that. but no. you "HAVE" to have more. you "HAVE" to cook them in more oil than necessary because you "HAVE" to eat tons of fat so you can "gain weight" and be a "good kid."
it's awful and it makes us miserable, miserable.
also we really don't like hot sauce, i don't think. it's okay, sure, but now, it feels like a chore to keep adding it. we don't quite enjoy it, and nor does our poor stomach. but we like something about it and until we PAY ATTENTION to what and figure that out, we'll keep blindly feeling "obligated" to douse our poor food in it "because we LIKE it, right??" therefore we "HAVE to use it."
this forced fearful panicked obligation-compulsion is our BIGGEST obstacle to healing, hands down.

anyway. we sat and watched the finale for stranger things. it was super good. left a lot of unanswered questions which is also super good. ended on a happy note but also without erasing the looming threat of what lies beyond and may resurface again, there or elsewhere. 100% happy with both seasons in any case.
dustin is still our fave, second is mike, third is hopper? every character is great. eleven is great, will is great, lucas is great, joyce is great, johnathan and nancy and max and even d'artagnan are great. even the ones that scare us-- max's brother, mike's mom-- are well written and have so much history to them, history tied to that little town and each other and everything. we love that. there's a lot to think about, and we love that too.

then we mentioned that hulu had season 2 of the good place up, so we watched episodes 3-6. now we're caught up!
the whole thing with 5 & 6, with the ethics dilemmas, michael learning to be human and not even realizing, and the constant brilliant humor written in (mostly from jason), was fantastic. we're so interested to see where this goes. especially with janet! she's awesome.
but yes, today was a tv day and that's lovely because we haven't been able to just sit and watch tv since what, elementary school? like 2003. and television means inspiration means league growth means outspacer possibilities means empathy with humanity means creativity out the chimney. media is a blessing. we adore it. it feels so nice to get back into it.

mason came home and we had a minor depressive crash immediately prior due to "fear that he's going to expect us to do something bad," which we realized was both family-toxicity projection AND self-doubt projection. we are so used to people EXPECTING us to be bad, defining us as sick and depressed and dishonorable, that we feel we HAVE to be. we feel our definition has been written as such, and if we DON'T play that role, we'll be even worse. we'll disappoint them even more. we'll make them look bad. we'll be liars.
that's all false. WE ARE GOOD. WE ARE HAPPY. WE HAVE HEALTHY HABITS. WE TAKE CARE OF OURSELF.
but that all needs to be correctly defined, too.
we need to learn to be PATIENT with our healing. truly patient. right now, we keep thinking, "we're so sick of being a broken mess. we're so sick of our illness causing you pain and worry. we're sick of being a burden. therefore we have to fix everything ALL AT ONCE, NOW."
it doesn't work. we keep doing it, desperate. but it doesn't work. it will always fail.
we need to learn that even if healing is slow, it does not mean that we're being lazy. it simply means that a broken bone heals slower than a paper cut. that's fine! but if you refuse to let the bone set, if you keep irritating it and jostling it, it's going to heal wrong. and then you'll have to break it all over again, and re-set it, and wait even longer, for it to heal properly.
that is EXACTLY what we are dealing with.

so mason made dinner. thank god.
dinner is a HUGE trigger for us, we've realized. food + darkness + isolation + yellow light = VERY BAD VIBES & FLASHBACKS. also blackouts, time loss, lockouts, etc. it is very very unhealthy. we need to STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN once the sun sets. no exceptions.
so mason made biscuits and gravy and eggs and sausage and it was amazing. we sat and ate it all and enjoyed it greatly, BUT then we made a huge mistake. we thought, "this isn't enough. UPMC and our family would tell us to eat more fat. so we have to."
so we ate more of the gravy, and then-- even more stupidly-- thought, "that's not enough carbs. you HAVE to push carbs to gain weight. you have to, or you'll die." so we made a small bowl of grits, and added even more oil to that, again desperate to "heal everything NOW" because our poor brain legitimately thinks "if you eat all this oil and carbs NOW, you'll never have to eat it again!! you'll be DONE." because we still struggle with understanding the progression of time. we still struggle to accept that we WILL wake up in the morning, and have to eat all over again, and that's so exhausting and overwhelming. so we try to "get it all done right now" so that tomorrow we "won't have to eat." that's not how it works. but it explains our compulsion to eat as much as we can in one go-- if we "finish it all," then we are free. it's over. we can live now.
except then we have to sleep, and wake up, and once we wake up we have to eat again, even if we don't want to, and now there are OTHER PEOPLE who are going to suffer if we keep up this garbage because it is THEIR FOOD that we are eating.
do you understand that? no, because our object permanence is abysmal. when ollie is at work we forget he exists. when mason is asleep we forget he exists. we're alone, like we always have been, and maybe if we finish all the food, we can die in peace. nothing left unfinished. no traces left of us. everything done and dusted. sterile and clean. and so we can sleep forever.
that's not how it works anymore.
we're learning. slowly. everyone in the Spectrum already knows the truth. but everyone stuck on the social level still thinks it's 2009 or 2012 or 2016 and there's nothing to live for and no reason to hope for it and nothing left to do but hurt and bleed and die. to them, life is still a dead end. that's why they come out when ollie and mason are absent. it feels like their life never changed. darkness and yellow lights and stifling tiny kitchens. that's their entire life. what else to do, but die there?

but we survived. unfortunately, we stupidly put some mayo AND oil in the grits, therefore causing our stomach to absolutely revolt, and we ended up helplessly vomiting again. that is the worst feeling. our poor system just hitches and empties itself out of heavy nausea and we CANNOT keep it down. we have tried. it does not work.
but that was it. it "got rid of the poison" and then we decided "well let's at least eat something to make up for it" and so we had three small zucchini and an avocado, with a smidge of hot sauce in it. we've found that we do not like avocado-- which isn't a surprise, as those are actually VERY tied to disorder trauma in the past-- but we made that poor choice and had to follow through. at least it's food, i guess. it's just terrifying, that first hour after eating, when you can still feel the weight of it. to this day, to this moment, that is STILL a HUGE and terrifying hack trauma trigger. 99% of all hacks in the past coincided with eating. that filthy, slutty, heavy, sick feeling. all of it tied to food. no wonder we panic and want to throw up whenever we eat more than a tiny bit. as soon as we feel it, our body spasms and prepares for war. where's the abuser? where's the terror? i know it's coming. it always does. except now it doesn't. but out body is so used to that way of life that it perpetuates it itself.
the only way to break the cycle is to stop the cycle from looping in the first place.
eat less. stop eating out of those trauma-tied plastic bowls, PLEASE. eat what you want, what is safe. FORGET what upmc or the genetic fam told you you "HAD" to eat. if it made you sick, STOP. please. be kind to this body. if something makes you nervous or regretful or bitter or upset or sad or angry, STOP. you are no longer obligated to sacrifice yourself on other people's altars. you no longer have to earn love through blood. stop. stop.
let other people make our food for a while if you must. sacrifice THAT. offer up that damaged fear-driven choosing. surrender it to trust and love. you have people here that love you and want to take care of you. they do. i know it sounds impossible. but they do care.
if you don't know how to properly care for this body yet, let them show you how. it's okay.

our biggest fear is that, if we let people help us take care of ourself,
1) we are forcing them to sacrifice THEIR lives for us,
2) we are proving that we cannot be trusted with free will,
3) we cannot live on our own.
i pray to God that those are all false. (they are, a voice says.)
we don't want to be a burden, please God, we just need help. do we? yes. it takes more courage and self-love and humility to ask for help than it does to isolate ourselves and hide and cry and stumble through imitations of toxic people under the guise of "self care." no. stop. ask for help. please.
we don't want to steal time and joy away from people. we're already so, so scared that oliver cannot live his life now because we're being a greedy little parasite. he keeps saying otherwise-- he likes watching tv with us, he doesn't mind taking us to the store, he enjoys going places outside with us-- but we are still struggling with the concept. doesn't he want to live his own life, away from us? are we forbidding him from that? they NEED time to themselves, to love each other, to grow together. god we don't want to hinder their growth and life anymore just because we were "too selfish and weak to stay with our birth family."

we almost broke down in gross sobs last night because we were going through old photos on our hard drive and found pictures of last winter. of diamew in the snow, of diamew in the fog. of the christmas tree blazing pink. of presents all over the living room. of our old college campus. of our grandmother, our grandmother, the day we walked to church, the day we went to the tree lighting, the day she had a stroke.
we were so crushed by loss that we couldn't even think. we stopped archiving. just browsed tumblr for like five hours to numb our aching heart.
god we miss her. we really do. we miss what it feels like to hug her, to kiss her face, the smell of her hair, her bony frame, her voice. we miss her. she was our mother, as far as care and company is concerned. we miss her.
...but she is the same woman who raised us to think of god as waiting with the guillotine above our neck, who gaslighted us to believe that we could not truly feel love, who made us deny and bury our queerness and pluralness out of crushing shameful guilt. she is the same woman who met us at the airport in july insisting that "we had changed" and that we didn't love her or god or anyone anymore. insisting we were evil now. insisting we were bad and hollow and cruel now. refusing to listen when we said otherwise. this is the same woman who, when we finally tearfully dialed her last month, trying to apologize and assure her of our love, answered the phone with a cold accusation of apathy and hung up curtly enough to curdle our blood. we cried. we ached. what did we do wrong?

we walked oliver out to the car and the air was cold and clean and beautiful and it smelled like home. like our heart's home. like us.
we stood under the night sky and the clouds and the falling leaves and turning trees and i remember we said how we had been missing our genetic family, while also realizing with jarring bitter aching that what we missed was not what we would meet if we returned. we admitted all this, and then we admitted an even deeper truth-- that no matter what we felt or feared or thought or missed or hurt with, at the end of it all, we would not give this up for the world. what we had now, with him and mason, with all of hiraeth close enough to touch, here in good old north carolina, was worth everything we'd left behind to be here. what we had now was worth living for. and we wanted this. we wanted this life, this present, this future. this togetherness. this life.
and we mean that. we mean that.

tonight was rough. but tonight was good. look at what we've learned! look at how we grow. i can feel our heart glowing hurting smiling crying all at once even now. but deeper joy, always. the gratitude of the laughing cosmos. the detached love of the universe. take it all in and let it all go. beauty and terror, beauty and terror. no feeling is final but every feeling is precious. life is fleeting and we all die but that makes every tiny second priceless. that makes every life a work of art, a piece of music. ephemeral and beautiful and finite and infinite. both at once.
that was discussed in "the good place," too. existential crisis. the "futility of life." but that's sacred too, to us. that's so sacred. the fragile temporality of life. the fact of our fleeting mortality. the fact of our undefinable abstract immortality. the glorious puzzle of consciousness, of faith, of mind and breath and soul and heart. the bizarre miracle of human existence. the horrific elegance of the human body. muscle and flesh and blood and bone and spit and sweat and sea water. speech and touch and taste and hearing and thinking and singing and seeing and smelling and creating, dreaming and wishing, fearing and doubting, growing and tripping, onwards and onwards and onwards. life.

we're having a beautiful conversation with oliver over messenger and Samhain just rolled in with the midnight hour and this is holy ground. the dirt is holy. the mud and dust are holy. death is holy. dark is holy. isn't that our life? isn't that something to honor? yes.

our system, struggling as it may, blind to parts of itself as it may be in that very struggle, is sacred. dark and bright and black and white. awful and adorable and scary and sacred and traumatic and the best thing that's ever happened to us. Us. What a word.

we made it through the day. we'll make it through the beloved night. we have 6 hours left until sleep and the world is ours and time is ours and this is what we live for, just pure undiluted life, under moonlight and sunlight both, quiet and untouched by worry, pure and true and gloriously defiant and indomitably hopeful. love undying. love eternal. love fierce and warm as fire. love soft and heavy as the sea. love like the hand of God, creating and destroying, making and unmaking, lifting up and tearing down, all of it a tapestry of growth, all of it a pattern of purpose, all of it a cosmic work of art. a celestial song. one line of an eternal symphony. every last heartbeat factored in. every single moment woven realtime into a greater thing. a holy thing, like all holy things, beyond the good and evil dichotomy, unfathomable and close as your pulse, as your breath. every angel is terrifying. but fear not. fear not.

time to continue archiving. time to continue reading and writing and being.

we are alive. living in the world is still a challenge. but we shall continue to unlock our achievements. we shall continue to earn our crowns of gold and laurel leaves. we shall wear our scars like caresses. we shall rejoice at the ceaseless march of our souls, ever upwards, ever onwards. bright as the sun and moon together. dark as the spaces between the stars. sacred as all of it united. sacred as all of us united.

have a blessed holiday.
see you in a few hours.❤

 

 

 

 

daily phone entries = oct 2017

1002 mon 11:08 pm

went to the bank.
reading "do androids dream of electric sheep"
oliver worked.
couldn't stay awake, too depressed and tired.
went to bed at like 2am?

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1003 tues 11:08 pm

BULIMIA MIRRORS SEXUAL TRAUMA= ONLY SAFE AFTER THE INITIAL SURGE HACK IS OVER!!! THIS IS WHY WE FEEL FEARFULLY OBLIGATED TO PURGE THE FIRST THINGS WE EAT!

"bulimia mirrors sexual trauma" note. what triggered this??

oliver worked.
stayed up all night archiving 2011.
finished going through spotify!

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1004 wed 11:08 pm

jimmy johns. sandwiches. always enjoy them.
iscah fronted! ate all the cheese, no fear at all. god bless her

went to "the last word" bookstore. AWESOME.
saw deltora quest, animorphs, serendipity books, etc.
they also had sonic colors and sonic:tdb for ds. strongly considered getting them.
bought childhood fave vhs tapes, and a happiness journal

watched "faraway so close". HUGE impact on us.
"why can't i be good"
infi ghosting and cofronting to watch it; actually fronted at one point while we were eating and ended up eating a mushroom. hilariously shamelessly fitting that THAT'S the first earth-food ze's had. (eating hearts doesn't count; ze already does that upstairs) ze didn't mind, thought it was an incredibly interesting experience.

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1005 thurs 07:53 pm

"Healing is a conscious effort."

#quote #this is hugely important #system healing #nothing truly good comes into our lives without pain #but pain too can be sweet #death too can be sweet #and true healing requires both #actively and consciously #we adore this aspect of our collective life #to be conscious of something makes it real #and that can be utterly terrifying #but once it is real you can touch it #and to touch is to brush life against life #revealing wordless doubtless truth #this is what we live for



07:57 pm

"For all the universes there are, this one was not enough, not for now, not for us. Somewhere in another, though. We are softer, we are kinder. To our skin, to each other."

-In that there that isn’t here, I allow myself to love you

#oh #this makes my heart ache in the way that matters #poetry #hope #for all our damaged fronters #and for all the other social rooted alters who think they own the place #our universe perpetually embraces yours #and our doors are forever open #come meet us #come join us #this is a softer loving reality and you are welcome here #let yourselves let go of the pain of that old universe #and fall gratefully into the arms of ours


11:08 pm

watching the food show while cooking and cleaning. oddly soothing bkg noise.
trauma dumping after seeing the pure beauty of japan winter woodlands.
jewel SOBBING. "wild thing" feelings. beast among men. unicorns.
needed to go to the park or something, just be outside.
band practice.
someone stole a lot of KND bars, and condiments.
got home, ate them all, got AWFULLY sick.
watched Dogma.
stayed up late?

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1006 fri 11:08 pm

hack nightmares. felt horrible upon waking. totally disconnected from sense of self.
grocery run in the morning. felt awfully guilty?
thought food from last night was spoiled but it was actually bad hot sauce taste
ended up throwing it all out anyway. got really mad and depressed over it.
went picking pumpkins!
oliver made dinner. it was amazing. 
MASSIVE toxic fallout when we tried to eat bread.
someone tried to RUN AWAY and ollie stopped us on the porch.

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1007 sat 11:12 pm

went out with ollie today.

stopped at asian market. got a final moon cake, red bean buns. also matcha kitkats and seaweed and gingermints. also a kabocha squash! gotta let corvo actually eat some this time.

went uptown!
EVERYTHING WAS FOGGY AND AUTUMNY IT WAS HEAVEN. felt like our heart. like central city. utterly beloved.
kyo color taxi, kris/laurie umbrella pose, blue-realm lights, fancy bakery with macarons and suit dude, filigree chairs, trombone/drums street performers, lynne's "all star" joke, fashionable pretty people and tiny disney princesses everywhere.

stopped at a sushi place. talked to OWEN! felt his color immediately. like heavy smoke. soft but so dark.

the graveyard.
talking about sky burials and reincarnation. felt so alive among all the death. deeply happy oddly.
kissed right there on the sidewalk, felt like the most joyously-paradoxically fitting thing in the world

heavily panicky and dissociated on the ride home? why?
i vaguely remember someone eating the redbean buns but i dont know who. i know jewel Tried to but was pushed out. not healthy behavior at all.

cannot remember a thing once we got home. i think it was a rough night. have to ask oliver.
i'm so sad that we've been so off kilter and full of guilt/shame lately. why?
i guess it's at least something to learn from. heal from. grow. be better.

i know we went to bed early too.
good mood though. everything is always perfect at the end of the day. we never go to bed sad or upset. its impossible, being there with oliver and mason, everyone sleeping in the moonlight, warm and safe and quiet and worth everything it took to be here now.

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1009 mon 11:59 pm

oliver worked.

didnt sleep? went to food lion.
TRIED a few "new" foods for possible future use. no can do.
energy bars, pumpkin oatmeal, nuts.
and you know what? that's all LUXURY FOOD. it SHOULDNT be a staple in our diet anyway!!

woke up super late.
talked LEAGUEWORLDS!!

we made way too much rice & vegs, remember? BUT we tried super hard to eat them safely and succeeded almost flawlessly.
sitting and munching on seaweed and just letting our brain think about leagueworlds.

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1010 tues 11:59 pm

INFI FINALLY FRONTED in the morning. it's been too long.
oskar kissed me.
wanting to kiss EVERYONE in their system. imagining that. in tears.

flawless breakfast. thank god.

went to amelies.
spiced cherry & smores macarons, autumn spice tea.
talked to oskar!!
lynne fronted for MOST of the time.
tons of color realm brainstorming. do our hues adhere to the dream world trio format???
harbor blue vibes at dusk? scary time. but CORVO IS OK WITH IT
made the mistake of buying desserts to take home. can't eat in the car or it becomes panic.

mason made food for ollie, we accidentally ate it, huge guilt response
made more for mason, he said it was delicious

aywas night. too exhausted mentally to do much else.
also tumblr reblogs! went through our drafts. good stuff.
taking that push to do things even when tired (like typing now) ALWAYS pays off.

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1011 wed 

12:03 am

#sky realms #aqua-sky intersection #realm intersections #sky-underground intersection #i'm wondering if ALL the color realms open into the underground at some point? #THAT'S an interesting thought


12:05 am

"Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me’s is me?"

In one way or another, any and all of them are. The potential is ever-present, ever-realized in that paradox of choice.


12:07 am

#heartspace #the earliest jewel-cores always create places like this #verdant and limitless and wild and beautiful #completely empty of people #green #rain #trees


12:11 am

"Excerpt from a book I’m currently reading, from a chapter on the very serious art of necromancy. "and sure, you could probably pursue success without a skeleton army, but where is the fun in that?""

#lime jewelcore #oh heavens this is 100% her #injokes #undead whistling boneless chickens #ironically #she says their skeletons are a separate army #welp #now she's thinking #what have we done


12:13 am

"life is suffering. it is hard. the world is cursed. but still, you find reasons to keep living."

#sheer love-driven determination #because we don't ever give up on each other #life is so worth living #in and of itself #suffering and all #after all look at what we were born from #the simple fact of our existences transmutes that very alleged curse into the deepest blessing #and that alone is reason to cherish this life we have no matter what #princess mononoke


12:18 am


#gif #cannon #before she splintered #notably those utility blades good lord #we can still FEEL this person in memory #but that feeling is hopelessly fractured #it's obvious that that person is not a single person anymore #nge #this episode haunts us to this day


12:40 am

"It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it."

#quote #love #this is so important #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #jump #we will catch you #and we need to jump too #everyone just jump for heavens sakes or we'll never learn to fly


12:47 am

“He often weeps because he can’t find the strength to love beyond fear.”

#quote #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #oh you precious things #you have the strength #if you keep looking for it thinking it is a lost thing it will remain so #take a deep breath and try your d***dest to just BE strong #even for a millisecond #i guarantee you #you will #if only for a millisecond #but that is enough #mustard seeds are still seeds #and virtue is not measured as such #it is as it is #and if you have it #you have it #tiny or not it is an infinite thing #and you do have it #i can feel it in you #i have faith in you #the size of the entire sky #the same sky held in your own heart #and nestled in that tiny seed #i promise you this #one day soon your weeping will be from profound relieved joy #believe this with all the hope you can muster #and i swear to you #every one of us will help you make it a reality #and remember


12:48 am

“Song will take us by the hand And lead us back to light.”

#quote #music #when in doubt turn on spotify #honestly music is profoundly vital to us #it facilitates healing and shatters deadzones #and of course there's that terrible beautiful truth #if you want to fall in love with someone just set them to music #no matter how dark life may get #song will indeed lead us right back to the light #instantly and honestly #we know this #please utilize it

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1011 love 03:08 am

(remembering the first night oliver kissed us. how we wouldnt even admit we were in love, as we couldnt recognize the feeling, and were terrified to even consider the possibility in any case.
now when he kisses us it feels like our mouths fit together. it's the strangest loveliest feeling. everything is effortless and full of such deep soft heavy true simple aching beautiful love.

infi keeps thinking about what their mouth tastes like. how i like it too. how we always have, for everyone, since childhood. how our family shamed us heavily for wanting to kiss people. to touch tongues. to touch at all. to feel heartbeats beneath our fingertips. to hear them, centimeters away from our lips. and all of it staggeringly pure and innocent and aching and ardently knee-shakingly significant even then. childhood desire. what a paradox. what truth. it defines us even now.

how our favorite thing in the world right now is staying up all night until we feel exhausted and hazy and swept up like leaves in the autumn wind, dusk-dawn hues washed over and within our seafaring ribs, as the sun rises and the air brightens... just so we can crawl into bed, with them. safe under simple black and mint covers, with light pouring in slowly behind our heads, wrapped up in their soft warm complete blissful body. hearing them breathe. the scent of their skin. the feeling of their heartbeat against our own. the trust, the silence, the joy. it's the most perfect feeling we can imagine.)




phone notes from today =

Creativity= no expected audience? "Waste of time;" stop own progress
"No mirrors;" no self awareness? Depression.

Missy & the stim jar
What is Bridget doing lately??

Kyanos' halo is braided DRIFTWOOD?
OLIVE BRANCHES??
It's Sterling silver and horizontal?
Zwei= was she a pseudo core??

ATLAS daemon name?? 

SPICED CHERRY, CINNAMON APPLE TEA= HEALTHY VERMILION!!!!

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101217 06:40 pm

Hey kids, Laurie Uberich here. Got shoved out to front in solidarity with Kristanova here, as today's one hell of an "anniversary" date for us both. Kinda the opposite of a birthday.

Not sure how long it's been for him, but... for me, it's been 7 years since I... got this particular scar across my larynx. Seven entire fucking years. God damn.

Tell you what, though. As hellish as the memory is, the fact and reason why I survived is not. And that's what I've really gotta focus on today. That's the reason why I still wear this scar with fiercely aware gratitude. I'm alive because love is stronger than death.

Cheesy? Maybe, but who cares. The truth doesn't care about that. Neither so I. What matters is that it's true, and I'll defend that truth with every breath and every heartbeat I've got left in this life. Hell, it's the least I can do in return. And really? I wouldn't have it any other way.

To our whole damn System, friends and freaks and foes and forlorn, every last one of you-- I fucking love you. With everything I've got in me. That'll never change.

Kris, again, not sure what your side of the story is, but I'll tell you one thing-- we are all seriously glad you're still around, too. Edges and all. We love you too, y'know. So do all of yours. And that's genuine love, man. No matter what, it ain't leavin', and neither are we. Don't forget that.

Here's to being alive.

-L.U.


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07:57 pm


#harbor blue realms #this is a TERRIFYING vibe for us #which is why we thank god that this color now exists in our spectrum #that means that now it can he healed #now it can be loved for exactly what it is #system healing #harbor blue #color realms #realm vibes



1012 thurs 11:59 pm

band day.

picked up mason

someone stole mints and energy bars from the school again. that bleached white kid who can't understand that it BELONGS TO OTHER PEOPLE.
that person is working in scavenger mode, trying not to "starve," AND trying to "feel like part of humanity" by touching peoples lives in this way. in passing, unseen and unheard and undetected. but desperate to feel included.

went to jack in the box all together, actually ate a FULL MEAL and wasnt scared or anything. it was wonderful.

purposely unloaded the mints in front of ollie. wanted to get caught.
confessed EVERYTHING.
i cannot remember the conversation at all. i dont know who spoke, or about what.
but oliver said it was terrifying, how suicidal and depressed and numb and blind they were

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101317 fri 11:59 pm

josephina's BIRTHDAY!! i know he fronted in the morning, when we were in bed. talked to oliver.

wore his outfit today! sequin skull top, skull flower shorts, bokeh leggings, yellow shades. only thing missing were his trademark jingle bell earrings because we don't own any.
also found and wore our beloved gold FISH NECKLACE from christmas about 15 years ago, if not more. i remember it was in a tiny box at the bottom of our stocking, when we were standing next to the tree (which was where ranndall's desk is now). it's also one of the ONLY actual "christmas present" memories we have at all, which is bizarre as we ADORE that holiday, but which makes sense because our mother always made christmas day a scripted filmed performance, and that = instant heavy dissociation and toxic socializing. ah well. can't complain. we had boss trees and we got some good presents over the years, like that necklace!
honestly we love that little fishy fish. we're going to wear him all the time now.

went to the witchy shop!
candles, altars, bat skeletons, gemstones, candles, oils, tarot decks, skulls, ouija boards, taxidermied butterflies, skulls made of sugar, the HEART VASE, etc. amazing place.
rio was out for a bit! totally enamored. "why didnt you call me out here sooner!" not mad, just wanted to see more of the place. we'll definitely go back one day, let him have a grand old time with his daemon. (it's a date)
left our old unicorn-bookmark ribbon on the community altar for sister symphorose. very significant gift-sacrifice. felt right.
we bought a "motivation" candle that was almost knife's color and smelled like me. same kind they sell at e.n., but a massively larger selection. good stuff.
oliver was showing us gemstones that had relevance to their system, like smoky quartz for owen. one of them was trolley resonant? i forget which, i apologize. and of course ollie himself resonates with labradorite, that gorgeous iridescent stone. i love that.

also went to the nearby game store, THEY HAVE VIRTUAL ON!!!!! also NiGHTS and the baten kaitos sequel and zone of enders and MEWTWO PLUSHIES. gosh it was awesome. games are so good.
also we adore watching and listening to oliver talk about games, especially n64 stuff as we never had one but it's his fave. man we just love being a part of his life now in every way.

the DOOR TO NOWHERE!
seriously we went walking past the game store and there was this storefront with blacked out windows, but when we walked around behind it there was NOTHING. just an empty lot, nothing but grass, and that door. we walked across it and walked through the door back out onto the sidewalk. it felt utterly unreal, like legit headspace. the grass under our feet felt like a dream, like dreams do for us-- wide awake and more real than the waking. it was amazing.
i know jewel fronted almost instinctively as soon as we set foot in that lot. that's her element, after all. endless adventure and wandering. the great infinitely undiscovered world. that's her, always.

did we stop somewhere to eat today? i can't recall. i don't remember eating at all today but i know we did.

anyway we set up the porch altar when we got home! it's gorgeous. we put our musical spheres on it, plus our catholic-pagan things, aha. blessed oil and impossible frankincense and studded crosses and legit thurible incense & myrrh. also some headspace things, like infinitii's salt bubble necklace, chaos' 2011 heart charm, the nosebleed bell, cupid's heart earring, etc. also our christmas candles even though it's almost samhain. it just feels fantastic. i love the whole concept of altars; we miss having one too. oliver lit a blue candle for opening (kyanos vibes!) and we burnt some holy wood, which smells divine. 

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1014 sat 12:09 pm

Morning talk
Triple, overload, Josh, blue girl!! unicorn!
Wild thing feeling. Running, woods, can't be games. Ripping off masks. Boyle party comparison. JEWEL CORES
"Who are you, alone? Then BE THAT"
"Not a stuffed animal." CORE DEATH= TOO WHITE!! no teeth or edges. NEED RED/BLACK.
plural vs single. Jayce chokehold. "PLURAL" CORE SHIFT?? everyone, not just one!
Cores vs frontrunners.
Unmet needs? PA vs here. Not belonging there. MAKE A LIST.
reclaiming the words: monster, beast, animal. 


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1017 tues 07:47 pm

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty – that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

#quote #truth #beauty #system healing #the definition of beauty is such a fascinating topic #its reality is purely intuitive and unquestionable #and thats why we love it #beauty and horror #are not mutually exclusive #we need to type about this


11:59 pm

Absolutely perfect day, God bless.
went to the sprint store, changed our phone number last night and apparently the phone needed to be reset before it would work.
dead gray fox on the side of the road.
2hr salad, while watching The good place. we LOVE that show.
Biscuits! best dinner we've had in AGES, because we all made it together and ate it together. bliss.
Tumblr on our phone. oliver asleep against our legs while mason played the ps4. so in love.
Anatomy coloring book, learning a lot. deep sheer joy at understanding our body more.


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1018 wed =  11:59 pm

Pop tarts. good breakfast, then tried too hard and messed up badly.
really it was all motivated by GUILT. the pop tarts were for mason but "they MADE us eat so many pop tarts at umpc so we HAVE TO keep eating them!!" felt awful about it but "no choice." that is such a toxic mindset, it needs to stop

don't remember the rest of the day


phone note=
COLOR ASSOCIATIONS
Music, flowers, smells, textures, bugs, animals, tastes, styles, etc.



101817 dream

Time travel? Dead. Games in rafters. Flying.
Chelsea, blue? "beacon boy" alter. On diamew hill, talking to her w/ ollie
Watching play/musical in yard? Wolf deer cat bear thing.
Tv musical w/ grandpa, used a digital contraption to get special channel with it. Us trying to find it on spotify. M title, 2 words.
CHIDI and my lotus necklace, Seemed evasively suspicious of the charm? "Dark." Obviously unspoken indication he had spoken to INFI about it, didn't know what to make of it.
I asked "did ze flirt with you"
Confusedly flustered reply of "yes"


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101917 thurs  11:59 pm

Watched season 2 of the good place! amazing so far.
Massive salad.

Band.
Ahrima attempted to steal BUT the rest of us PROMISED we'd stop him. so we did. immediately evaluated motives; shocked to realize that we didn't actually want to steal!! just an old compulsion, miserable.
Massive panic-gratitude reaction.

Problem eating at home? Almost no memory.
we only remember listening to Ollie talk about the owls. treasured that.

Trauma dumping. About what?
Bed at 3. Very happy. 


phone note =

To help stabilize!
can't front, name hazy, faceless, etc.

• Kyanos
• Eros
• Amara

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102017 fri =10:16 pm

trauma dumping in the morning. told ollie ALL the SLC stuff we had buried for years.

picked up mason, went shopping at target. good candles.
got sushi. ate tons of broccoli, tried everything.
stopped at harris teeter, got toothpaste and some vegetables. also a cookie for the kids.

Home, fixing phone. Roms.
Tried cooking dinner, blackouts. Panic attacks.
Got VERY sick.

Watching no man's sky. Resting. brain couldnt do anything but watch, no spoons at all. but we adore watching oliver play that game, it was good.

went out on the porch for a while together. barely conscious. i know there was a lot of pain, not sure who fronted or talked? but it ended on good terms. always does. we love them too much. same with ourselves. ultimately, always.

in bed, infi and i there, too tired to full front though.
oliver said something about "i'm still haunted" and infi just flooded with love. 



phone notes= 

• Yume nikki 0917

RAZOR & INFI CONNECTION????
• Both broke off Cores
• Red & black
• RAZOR TORE HIR OUT

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102117  07:41 pm

aisophiel
brown-haired "angel" evidencing when we look in the mirror. obvious "jayce bloodline" fronter fix attempt?
name immediate. overlay solid, but gauzy. could easily demanifest or solidify, depending on whether or not his anchor solidifies enough during this "embryonic" state.
but he's surprisingly aware even so. keep an eye on him, dont let anyone fade out due to neglect

anteros/ asteros?
"god of requited love" vs star-based similar term? also apparently this dude
possible core names. not sure. neither really "click" to the heart but they are still resonant.


090608 cherie died. keep the date, revere it every year

AHRIMA is the current "blind white" fronter!
REMEMBER THE UDNERGROUNDERS COMMENTARY ON THE INFLUTUSA JOURNAL
we havent re-read that entry in Years and it's about time we did

★ ORIGINAL JAYCE/INFLUTUSA BLOODLINE RESEARCH?????

JAY CORES =
GOLD/ WHITE/ RED CORE COLOR SCHEME?
HAIR VS SKIN VS EYES, ETC.

FROSTED GLASS???
CHRISTMAS GLOW VIBE??


+ "at soup" injoke today
(walking through store, dissociated hard in soup aisle-- too much data. so many cans. laurie shows up, baffled but concerned; "kid are you ok")

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102117 sat  11:59 pm

morning name research.
put old passwords in computer.
shopping. walmart. awfully overwhelming, flashbacky. got produce though.
breakfast was flawless again, thank god.
just barely though? someone tried too hard? feeling like we ate something problematic. minor though.

showing oliver old sketchbook pages, photos.

tried to eat dinner, got horrifically sick. crushing nausea and stomach pain. ended up throwing up, miserable.

listening to old infi's theme ideas, and singing files.
uploading archives.

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102317 mon  10:53 pm

morning in bed,
talking to kris and kyo.

INSANE switching. feeling just how many frontrunners we have, most of them white.
feeling out the subtle vibe shifts, name variances, color harmonies.

trip to food lion and the library.

THUNDERSTORM.
elucidae creeping about again! good. glad he's sticking around, we need him.

baten kaitos!

biscuits for dinner. super good.

miserable, unfortunate binge.
someone tried to make grits/rice/eggs/livermush, but then added beans and we got REALLY sick.

awful depression all night? probably because we "messed up although we tried very hard"
that or eating flour.

took a night off though. just browsed tumblr. it helped a LOT.



phone notes =

WE NO LONGER HAVE "ONE MAIN PERSON" !!!
EVERYBODY RUNS THIS LIFE, NOT JUST THE ASSUMED CORE!

WHITE NAMES=
Adakias
Snowfall
Iridos
Ahrima?
Jayce/ Pinstripe?

PLUS GOLD=
Parahelion

PLUS RED=
Cupid?

PLUS RED & GOLD=
Poinsettia?
Anteros



SPINE IS HUGELY IMPORTANT AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN. GIVE HER MORE LOVE & ATTENTION!!

+"PSEUDO DAEMONS"???
+HEADSPACE SPECIES??
+DEIFIC THINGS, DIVINITY IN GENERAL??
+INNERWORLDBUILDING LIKE HIRAETH!!
+NAME OUR INNER WORLD
+LOTUS=COLLECTIVE HEART

CONTEXT TRANSITIONS
Day to night = outer to inner
Instant with technology.
BLUE???

How to ease transition; prevent jarring mismatch? Day during night dissonance

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102517 wed   11:59 pm

woke up super late?

went out for sushi with ollie.
quick shopping trip to food lion as we're super low on groceries until the weekend.

don't remember much of today at all, we apologize.


phone notes =


Touching lives. Gold feeling.
Earl grey tea & white chocolate

Jessica bloodline
Iolite & ahrima took the phone call



"HEARTHFIRE"

HEARTSPACE= BOSCOVS LOBBY DOORS
INFINITE WHITE SPACE 2003???
UNDEFINED HOLODECK
LIMITLESS POTENTIAL BUT ONLY WITH A HEART TO REALIZE IT

BLACKSPACE PARALLEL??????

BASILICA & CATHEDRAL REVISITS!!!!
OASIS ROOM?? RAZOR SPIRE?? ETC.??
LEAGUELINK ROOM???

HEARTSPACE VS FLOATSPACE

LEON'S CATHEDRALS????????
WHY IS HE TIED TO HOLY BUILDINGS???
INDIGO POSSIBLE HUGE UNREALIZED RELEVANCE

LEAGUE + HEADSPACE COLOR MEANINGS, OVERLAP?
NAME FOR HEADSPACE!!!!!
PLANET FEELINGS; ALSO DW & COLOR REALMS
CENTRAL SKY VS DW SKY??????

THERE ARE HUGE OVERLOOKED PARALLELS BETWEEN HEADSPACE AND THE DREAM WORLD IN TERMS OF FUNCTION AND PURPOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!


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102617 sun  11:59 pm

terrifically sick in the morning, i remember.
we were so sad because we wanted this to be a church morning but our body was a mess.

virtually NO memory of this day at all



phone notes =

Nebula caves
Organ parallel areas BODY MAP

VERMILION REALMS???? FIRE???
BEETLES????

"PLANE OUT OF PHASE"
Vale of Shadows???
"Cast shadow walk"
Unicorns and druids? DND

PAPER PLATE HOLEPUNCH GATE

Rio's Ouija wall
My "moose" wall, too + BOYS & BUNNY????

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102717 fri  11:59 pm

today ollie got CASH MONEY.
we made it. thank god. it was a tough two weeks but by golly what a weird blessing it was.
learning to trust. learning to be honest and open with fears and hopes and struggles and failings. being brave and admitting our faults and striving to be better. having a concrete REASON to get better. learning to love more.
our socials are learning empathy now. our socials are learning to relax into love now. we were forced to stop being obsessively fearfully "self-sufficient" and now we're softer and more caring and gosh. who would've thought that a sudden stint of poverty in a LOVING HOME could cause more gratitude than fear?
but we made it. now we have money again, and we can use it prudently and lovingly now. what a blessing.

breakfast was eggs on those little dinner rolls we got from the food pantry and OH MAN. it was wonderfully delicious, we really enjoyed it.

more stranger things. started season 2!

ollie went to dress rehearsal alone.
we planned to do leagueworld work but then someone PANICKED over the canned food and destroyed it all.
so much of it was flat-out trauma trigger stuff. we completely blackout binged as far as i can see. just treating ourself as badly as we would have back in PA. feeling obligated to repeat the pattern. terrified and miserable but feeling stuck.
collards, corn, beans, pintos, tomato soup. the smell of it immediately triggered panic dissociation. we instantly forgot where we were. it felt like a war zone. like dusty yellow death. i cannot remember anything

dear god. we are so sorry. why cant we seem to help this.

but we survived. we stopped and we went straight to the computer and thank god, it's over, it's over.
remember how some nights in PA we'd abuse ourself for up to 10 hours?? vomiting until our nose bled and our legs bled and the room spun and dipped and we couldn't breathe or walk or speak? i do. just barely. but it's enough.
guess what? that's over, forever. it's OVER.
today was rough, true, but we didn't lose ourself. we knew we wanted to stop, we recognized WHY we were struggling, and we stopped, and we now know. we learned. even if it was hell. we were allowed to leave hell, once we recognize we were in it, once we decided we didn't want to be in it, once we believed we didn't deserve to be stuck there, once we found the heart-guts to forgive ourselves out of it and start walking back to heaven instead.
what a blessing. what a blessing to be here, no matter what.



phone notes =

Time flies when you're in Love

TRICKSTER FIGURES
TRICKSTER POKEMON
SACRED CLOWNS
COURT JESTERS
BARDS
CHAOS THEORY?
LOKI

BLOODLINES=

JEWEL
Spinny???
Jessica
Cannon + INFLUTUSA???
Jayce
Jay?

WORK ON HEADSPACE JARGON/ CONCEPT FILE

SOCIAL LEVEL FUNCTION DIFFS
"INSIDE SOCIALS" VS "TALKERS"???

BLUE & GREEN RELEVANCE
CENTRE FOREST, SEED/FLOWER?!?!????
WTF UNIVERSE

HEART MONITOR (PHONE FEELINGS)

INCORPORATING THAT CHILDHOOD SACREDNESS INTO HEADSPACE

NAME HEADSPACE
NEW WORDS FOR SYSTEMS?
VS SPECTRUM (S???)


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the end, the beginning = Oct. 29th, 2017 11:11 am



7 years ago today, we tried to end it all.

7 years ago today, we thought we were hopelessly lost.

Now, the doors to the future have been blown wide open.

Now, we have found a luminous road stretching on into infinite sunrises.

We are facing what truly lies beyond.

And this is eternally worth living for.


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geometric law and fluidity = 103017 12:06 am


"someone asked me to draw my entire angel headcanon really fast i don’t thINK THIS WORKED?? #i had a dream that ended in the words ‘We are geometric law and fluidity in one’ and it became my inspo #six wings one head long flowy robe and however many hands needed #fabric like nebulas and translucent /sphere/ halo so it’s a perf circle no matter where you look from #light it like molotov cocktail and boom angel from the book of amanda"
Of all the posts to survive from our old blog, I am joyously grateful that it’s this one. To this day, this is THE closest representation to how I feel at my core.
#jay's post #angels #oh my heart #honestly this is almost EXACTLY what my true overlay feels like #angelic and strange and tons of fire and feathers and flare #geometric law and fluidity in one #i adore this #this makes me want to weep from joy #trueforms #cores



07:06 am

"hey, i hope it's okay, but i read your dreamwidth and i had a question for you. what is the kinsara day? i don't think i've heard that word before. i think you're brave for writing out all of the grief you go through. thanks."

Ah, that was a reference to a day in 2012 when we met someone by that name. The entry written about it hasn’t been uploaded yet but it will be within the week.
In any case, of course it’s okay that you read our Dreamwidth; that’s why it’s online! And thank you deeply for the kind words. It’s tough to be brave some days, but we don’t give up on each other. That alone is all the courage we need.
You are always welcome. We hope our shared struggles and victories can help you in your own life, even in a little way.



11:24 pm

"sometimes, you just have to make it through the night. it'll be ok"

#to all our depressed socials #to all our trauma holders #to those of us still isolating themselves from love #hold on #hold on to our outstretched hands #let us hold you to our collective heart #itll be okay #we love you #there is always a sunrise #and we are here for you in every second until then #and every second after #youll make it through #you always have #you always do #we have faith in you #you are so much stronger than you realize #the night loves you too #let that soft shadow into your heart #befriend the darkness #and let fear be transmuted into love #undying hope #system healing #words

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103117 05:53 pm


The Valley of the Shadow of Death, John Martin

#DUDE WHAT EVEN #chthonic realms #THIS LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THEM #headspace locations




103117 tues   11:59 pm

SAMHAIN!

Morning phone call.

Crisis AVERTED!

flawless breakfast. On porch! Vegetables, some spicy rice. Lovely.

Browsing dishonored Tumblr, tea. Ollie sleeping on our legs.

Set up altar. Candles and incense and names to burn.

HALLOWEENING!!
Wore a suit and a rosary and a wing jacket and a HALO of led-drop wire lights. So good.
Got SO much candy it was hilarious and wonderful.
So many lives we met briefly, we love them.
Fire pit, jump girl, dog dude, orange woman, loom girl, drunk moms, thankyou lady, porch duo, etc. Dogs everywhere. Decorations and warm lights all about. It was so so good. Everything we ever dreamed of.

Stopping by the lake with Owen. He felt like that dark water, the ripples from unknown movement within. The dark beautiful terrible mystery and grace. Us feeling like the stars above, cold and burning and brilliant and gorgeously unknowable and yet so heartfelt familiar. Stoplights. Constellations. Reflected in that dark water.

Hearing OWLS!! what a sound!
Also the green streetlight photo. So nice.

eating candy and HEARTS.
SACRED, sacred, sacred.
Touching them in the sink and weeping. So holy and intimate I could barely breathe.
That soft spot over the left ventricle. The deep red tendonae within. That organ smell.
God it was divine.
And then we got to EAT ONE oh lord. The taste, the feeling. Utterly unforgettable. The most resonant thing in the world. Our body has never craved something so sincerely before, honestly.
Infi and I ate it together, blissed and shaking with reverence, bloodied water running down our arms, cardiac muscle in our shared teeth. The taste of life on our tongue. God.
The center if it, pinker and softer and so warm, hits Infi so hard it's unreal. Its a tangible inner sensory memory. It's daemon stuff. And of course I'm half holyjackal now so of course cardiophagy is even more of my thing now too. Both of us lost in it. Afterwards feeling like waking up from a lucid dream. Geez.
Two more left, perfect, we've got two more holy days to celebrate.

Altar prayers and ritual. Ollie and mason and us. Talking about life and death, the sacredness of it all. Deeply moving.
Burning banishing coins, set out dumb suppers. Everything felt so right and good and holy and precious.

Dragons, salad. Tumblr talk. Love and missing us.

Perfect, perfect, perfect day 


phone notes =

"If we're not alive, who's going to honor the dead?"
Fundamental misunderstanding of dead people-- they WERE PREVIOUSLY ALIVE!! They weren't always ghosts!