072817

laurie: "I am fanboying the SHIT out of this up here"

morning= laurie & kris talking over breakfast on the porch.

ollie playing splatoon!

some problems with the e.d., jayce going too orange to be safe.
but we got through it. stopped it before it got bad.

AFTERNOON THUNDERSTORM!

JEWEL & JAY PLAYED THROUGH KLONOA FROM BEGINNING TO END.
IT WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. OH MAN.
so many roots there. it's incredible.

lephise even sounds like xenophon. circular synchronicity

lynne at one point, joking about drinking water? "orange chakra vibe"
spine trying to drink and biting the rim of the glass instead. all teeth. adorable

very dissociated all day.
another depression/despair-fueled purge after dinner, very sad but it happened.
forced, essentially.

but. went on the porch to read the raven king afterwards. just wrapped up in a blanket under the stars.
felt so so so sad.
EMS vehicle feeling real, hospital vibe inside. called laurie. cried to her.

mason made us tea. (earl grey, hot, with honey and some milk in it? tasted like heaven)
it was so sweet. such a beloved action. we'll treasure it forever. little acts of pure kindness.

then ollie came outside
and all heaven broke loose.

jay talking to him for a while

"weird dog" reference and infi loves that so much, SO ZE ACTUALLY FRONTED??!?!?!
FOR LIKE THREE SOLID MINUTES.
coming back in the echo of THAT was literally a religious experience.
(trouble with eye/mouth thing; "I'm blind in order to speak"; couldn't even get the voice to work then because hir instinct is to "branch out into the ether" and ze effectively needs the voice to come from AROUND hir, not just that little space of a mouth)
(very, very soft black feeling. embracing, gorgeous.)
(BODY OVERLAY??? split second feeling like our legs were those POINTS like Infi)

laurie coming out and SOBBING.
god. "it's so fuckin' weird that I have trauma"
"my whole damn arm is a phantom limb"
ollie actually kissed her on the cheek at some point
she was stunned. like legit could barely wrap her mind about it. I think she'll remember it forever.
they talked a LOT. laurie shocked she could front for that long.
talked about her neck scar. how it's like the graves, for me-- says she only keeps it because she can't remember even cutting her own throat (she "doesn't want to"), but she remembers 'my' hands about her neck immediately after, trying to keep her from bleeding to death
"oh my god; I did that twice, didn't I"
said "everything went black" at the 122713 one
she hurts so hard from that yet. her and javer both… my heart really breaks to think of it

ollie reassuring her that she is 100% worthy of love and that their whole system DOES love her as much as they love
me. it's ALL OF US. that's so huge and beloved.

"FUSION FEELING" with laurie "co-fronting" when she would slowly leave fronting and I would slowly move in; a sort of color overlay? surreal.
but NOT a color blend. the color of SEA GLASS????

so.
CHAOS ZERO TRIED TO FRONT.
oh man. oh man.
he, too, struggles with speech.
(too oceanic. can't easily talk UNLESS ruby anchorage!! "centralizes" his vibe; makes it more condensed? compact? had oliver hold his hand on our heart to lock in that feeling)
(GLOW??? vs no ruby, vs external ruby. BIG vibe shifts. glow being "as a heart” and that is SO deeply sacredly intimate.)

"mouth full of fangs"

"no wonder it feels natural to come back in his echo/overlay; part of me is already so used to being this close to him" (literal "part of each other" feeling)
(BUT only in that disconnected way of the fronting process. the minute it feels intimate it becomes SACRED and I cannot even touch that memory. it's so holy. love does that.)

BODY NOT MINE; THAT'S WHY IT'S EASIER FOR US TO HALFWAY BE IN & OUT; IT'S A PLACE FOR ALL OF US TO MOVE THROUGH..
allows for very fluid successive switching because the "consciousness just flows through all of us"

lotus necklace being a HUGE anchor. looking at it and almost weeping during the "dead feeling" of the evening; KNOWING it was true but feeling so far away.

JULIE FRONTED.
she, too, was crying.
realizing SHE IS KEY TO OUR HEALING AS A SYSTEM; she holds so much that we need to work through.
"how can I expect anyone else to forgive me if I can't forgive myself"
needs to see herself as healed/ forgiven/ reborn if she wants to see others do the same
"REDEMPTOR" class name???? wants to prove to ALL those damaged by tar trauma that if SHE can be reborn and saved from it, ALL OF THEM CAN, TOO.
"it was always a lie" ("the tar should have NEVER touched pink or black; it DIDN'T at heart")

talking to the toy solider.
time, moving through it, FLUIDITY.
the stillness of the marching field, being in the band. "alone but not alone."
the sacredness of being human.

chaos tried to front a second time? "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH RETURNING LOVE FOR LOVE"
that WHOLE THING with him, realizing we "expect love to be too hard/ too painful" and being so heartbroken by it; the old "do you love me" nightly question and the current "too good to be true if you loved me back" fear.
his response was to say flat out "I do love you" and emphasizing that he COULDN'T HELP BUT LOVE US IN RESPONSE TO THE LOVE WE GAVE/GIVE HIM. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. it is RESONANCE-- one heart singing to another, and the other joining in. it's love.
but he couldn't get words to work and it was such a deep topic.
everyone trying to translate for him
laurie tried, got in for a bit
GENESIS GOT IN FOR A FEW SECONDS!! but jo was pushed out, everything got real switchy
sherlock out briefly? fumbling for data.

mentioning we "lose sight" in our left eye when leon fronts because of his hair

I know nat fronted briefly recently?
wreckage did last night.
javier keeps coming out to talk to murphy; he loves that cat
waldorf was out a few times too! especially with the blue room light. she can't get speech to work yet though. (interesting; as she WAS mute in headspace for a while due to instability)
knife fronted a little bit too; LOVED ollie's costume fangs last night
jewel also coming out here and there whenever she feels like it; it's effortless for her

EROS IS ALIVE BTW.
talking to him when brushing our teeth. he is SO secure in his role now, thank god. I love him.

the most important thing:
ollie kissed me.
everything felt… so in tune. white twins, with red and indigo hearts. it was so real.

then late night filesharing & photo talk. really sweet
lots of color realm discussion.
4am bedtime dude, totally worth it