072717

packing in the morning. already feels like a dream, or a past life, or another world far away at this point.
at the last second, we tossed in every single pair of our spectrum glasses, minus the bonus refractive chaos-colored ones. had a feeling they'd be helpful, if only for their blatant relevance to who we are, and also simply being wicked cool fashion accessories.
also packed the wacom tablet, our binder of loose sheet music, all our library books, morpheus & relic (our voice recorder and mp3 player), and more pants & shorts than we originally planned.

went to the airport. we drove but we don't clearly remember; the data is bleeding into the memory of being driven TO the airport in 2012 and feeling utterly "not me" and highly dissociated. of 2012, we only remember talking manic-animatedly and leaning against the back window as we rounded that first curve by the house. just that one instant, but the "jarring" nature of it made it stick.
for this trip, we just remember rounding the curve for the airport (by the exits to the highway) and commenting (again, manic-performer mode) to the grandmother on the route so she'd remember it in the future.

getting awfully sick to my stomach just thinking about it. let's move on.

checked in at the airport. forgot how much we loved the small and simple but open and clear and bright vibe of our native one.

reading "the raven king" and learning how to use our beloved new s8+ while waiting to board.
remember our GUY FIERI TWIN! there was a dude standing in the line who was wearing our EXACT SHIRT, same color pants, etc. but he had the hair and face of mister fieri. i am serious. it was awesome. of course we stood right behind him grinning

flight was beautiful.

arrived in charlotte.
waiting by zone d doors. chilling with genesis. texting ollie.
and then a silver pt cruiser rolls up and I recognize the boy in the drivers seat and I just smiled.
and I had no idea what I was in for.

driving home on the highway, discussing headspace stuff and local landmarks and religion and what to expect at the apartment and everything.


literally the first thing i remember in that now-beloved apartment is oliver letting us try on that band jacket.
it felt utterly sacrosanct. like... i don't even know the toy soldier (yet?) but i could FEEL this immensity of purpose in that clothing. like vibes of whatever force created him were STILL there.

our memory is shot as we were still reeling from family programming residue, BUT i do remember ollie taking us into the playroom and showing us all the beautiful dead things in the closet. turtle shells, feathers, skulls, bones... we remember reading about this in their journal and ADORING the concept."vulture culture." we thought about it so much over the months. really gave us an even deeper respect for life and death and the cycle thereof. we LOVE those things already, the bits of bodies that hold our lives until we move on, and linger as dust recycled afterwards, bits of minerals in fantastic shapes that "outlive" our breath... it's beautiful. morbid, maybe, but we love morbid.
and then oliver took out this beautiful fox hide, and told us the story of how he found the poor animal and reverently took its body for preservation and how he gutted and skinned it and then he took out this little jar.
and what was in it, but the foxes heart.
oh good lord.
we just... held that jar for what felt like an eternity. trembling, unable to speak or think. just feeling. holding this silent muscle in glass. this sacred organ that once held blood and electricity and life, rusty holy water, now quiet forever, held in a fragile stasis and cradled in our hands that held a pulse of their own.
what an experience. honestly. words cannot do it justice. it's... something we need to just keep remembering. reliving that moment, of death meeting life, of life meeting death, of the two entwined in flesh and bone and breath and blood. in time and eternity. in a tiny room in north carolina. in a tiny glass jar. what a transcendent experience.

just... man. we clearly remember obsessively reading about this stuff way back when on his LJ and adoring it. thought about it for weeks. and now i got to SEE it.

we got to sleep in that very room, with the spectrum-color lights around the tv, surrounded by pokemon plushies.
we've never had our own room. it... it meant so much. even if it was just a spare room. it was ours, and it IS ours, while we are here. we are so, so deeply grateful.


what love. this is going to be one heck of a week, we think.