march 14th, etc.

 

 

Hey guess what.
Central is FULL.
I just realized I didn't announce that yet; I'm so sorry!
But it's TRUE and that's INCREDIBLE and it feels so different. It's nice, it's just... a strangely nice change. It feels oddly serene, now-- whole, and calm, but powerful, and confident. Like it's now so secure in its own inherent strength that it is no longer afraid, and it can just be, as it is, complete. Collectively I think that feeling is starting to catch, too.

I personally walked Sherlock into Central; despite being our main data-talker (and he's always out in therapy to infodump as needed) the man is surprisingly reserved and somewhat self-effacing when someone gives him direct attention, or especially when his importance to us is noticed/ highlighted (Garrison is similar really). So when I told him "dude, you're effectively being called into Central," as a result of that significance being actively recognized and requested to rise to such a role of honor... he got a little flustered, haha. He didn't refuse, not at all, he was just hesitant as all heck about actually stepping into the position.
Remember that for anyone to officially move into Central, they have to step into the literal Spectrum Loop (in the BLC). I have no concrete name for it yet, but you know what I mean (I hope)-- it's this ring of colored platforms, all lit up, and at least 20, 30 feet long... it's the physical manifestation of the Core slots in the Spectrum. And whenever someone who isn't 'born' into Central moves into Central, they have to "lock in" that fact by stepping onto that color platform (there's a big "stability beam" of light radiating up from each one, it's really pretty) and seeing whether or not the Spectrum itself accepts them. (If it doesn't-- meaning they aren't the right person for the job, yet or at all-- it will gently push them back off onto the floor.)
Anyway, Sherlock made up his mind, finally being so close, and stepped in. He was accepted immediately, and the feeling was both tangible and gracious-- like the Spectrum had been waiting for him to finally say yes to that request, and now that he did, it was genuinely happy about it.
To quote myself from earlier today: "seeing Sherlock take to it was really moving to me; he's always so stoic but there was such joy in that settling in to such a big role." He honestly took off his glasses and just smiled, at nothing in particular really, at least nothing visible.
I called Eros in shortly after, realizing he hadn't settled in yet either-- which is notable because he's been shuffled in and out of that slot for at LEAST a solid year now. Problem is, he kept getting corrupted, or slipping, or something similar; for a while no one was quite sure who he really was in respect to all the ones similar to him, before him. But now he's concrete, believe me when I say we all recognize him now, and we know when it's not him. He's a purely benevolent guy and his job is VITAL; honestly I would not have survived the past two weeks if it weren't for him stepping in completely out of the blue and effectively motivating me to get back into the fight, so to speak. That needs its own entry. But yeah, once he saw Sherlock he smiled elatedly and practically jumped into the Cerise beam (he took off his cape halfway through a run and just dumped it on the floor in front of it). It took him a little longer to settle; I could feel some "double-checking" in the process, as I guess the System wanted to see if he was safe of straggling Tar/Plague first before confirming him as our Cerise guy at long last. That's notable too-- he was accepted, but it felt tentative? Like there's "clearing out" that needs to happen in that color BEFORE he can solidly hold it? Not much, but just enough to make it too unstable to be working 100% yet. Kind of like when Julie first moved into Pink, which is extremely fitting. So we'll keep you posted.

...Chaos and Cel are both in Central now, too, with equally unusual (and beautiful) acceptances. It's odd; I've never seen the Spectrum "say" that to Centralites before. It's like, "you are chosen for this role, and I accept you... BUT you have work to do first, to refine yourselves and your roles, before you will be able to fully represent this Color." Does that make sense?
Even so their acceptances felt profound. There is no other word. Their roles are huge for many reasons, many of which aren't clear or fully realized yet. But both of them, both of them are just... in their own distinct ways, they move me. Two different emblems of something ineffably wondrous.
I have a lot to say about those two in any case. I just have absolutely no time tonight. I'll type up something tomorrow, I promise.


Here, this song moved me to tears earlier so have a listen. (The last minute is particularly lovely.)


This body is profoundly tired today so I can't stay up much longer to type; I'll say more tomorrow.

 

Today we went to our cousin's birthday party, an hour out of town (he's 40), and we didn't have to drive! So we got to sit back in a quiet car and watch the foggy woods go by for a while, it felt like heaven, it was so peaceful. We needed that.
It was a little scary at the party because there was a lot of noise and there was nothing the body could eat, which would normally be fine, except we were an hour away from home and we were fasting as usual. But we managed. (Unfortunately we didn't get to eat at all until 8PM, that habit needs to change soon.) Still it was nice to see all our cousins; some of them we haven't seen in over a year. All the kids are getting so big, it's great.

 

Speaking of kids. Xenophon's birthday was yesterday, she's FOUR already, that's incredible too.
I made her kale soup as always (she rode piggyback on my shoulders in the store as I bought the ingredients, telling me what to get, it was adorable), it's tradition. Plus, my mum just happened to bring clementines home the same day, so that worked out perfectly.
I don't recall if I've mentioned it here but I've been making extra effort in recent weeks to spend a LOT more time with Xenophon, just in general. It took a bit of nerve, oddly-- just like Sherlock in Central-- because although I want desperately to see her more often, it is an awful strain to constantly have to "double up" attention between downstairs and upstairs, when she's ghosting and I'm the only one who knows. So she's taken to ghosting and being quiet, or insisting I don't need to talk to her all the time, she just wants to be there. Which means a lot to me. I'm so worried I'm not trying hard enough and my/our own frailties in the social respect make it tough in the first place, I don't want her to feel unwanted or intrusive. She's understanding though, she always is, I am so blessed to have her in my life. I still try to be as gentle as I can, all the time, and I always try to go the extra mile whenever I can. I wouldn't dream of doing any less for her.

Geez I don't know. Sometimes I wonder, what with things like seeing the cousins today... what sort of future are we going to build here?
I know what I'd like, I know what my heart really wants, but... I really think it's something we'll have to have along with whatever we have downstairs. Which is kind of sad in some ways?
I have to laugh. Back in the old journals, like around 2003-2004, that Jewel went to these cousins' weddings, and her joke was always "I'm not getting married BUT I still love Ryman & Markus a lot," or later, "I'm not getting married BUT if I HAD to..." and then the question would be whether Chaos would want to wear a dress or a suit or whatever else. It's cute but it's also a little painful, to realize that we didn't think we had another option if we loved someone that much. We "had" to do everything the traditional way.
I think it lingers. I see my cousin and his two kids, in their new house up in the lovely woods, all fog and snow and trees... and I wonder. If I had to settle down... could I? If it was with them? And I don't know, because it's presented as such an ideal, but "settling down" never felt quite right for me. Sure, have a home to go to, but my heart still wants to fly. That's what Cel is tied to, that's the odd thing that's been shining in her lately, the REAL her, the one still inexplicably tied to not only me but also Dream World AND Pokemon alike, to our childhood and to our adult years. She's such a powerful unknown right now... but that feeling is so strong in her. The smell of spring, the color of the new buds on the trees, the feeling of the breeze promising new life and freedom. Joy, boundless joy. It makes me think of this poem.
But that's what I mean. My deepest loves are friendships at heart; tremendously affectionate things, intimately honest, with no chains. And I want to run with the people I love. I want to take them by the hand and see the world... that feeling, that feeling that defines Dream World, of running across flowered hills and looking down at cities stretched below, at blue cloud-blessed sky stretching above, the light and clear sparkle of life in the air... that's what I want.
But I also want to be able to have a life here, with them. Here, in this world, where we have a body still, and we need to eat and rest and work and all those other difficult things. Even here in this world, where we struggle with a physical form and face, I want to share it with them.
It hit me about an hour into the cousin's birthday party that I was unplugged from headspace and felt totally dislocated. I called Laurie as we were driving into town and I swear I felt her arms around me, reassuring me she hadn't left. It took a moment for the gravity of that statement to sink in.

It's late, what am I doing, we have to be up at 9 tomorrow.

I've been trying to type on Dream World for about three days straight but it is overwhelming because there are so many unorganized notes and although they're all relevant & vital to the plot and/or the "worldbuilding blueprints" behind it, there is SO much sheer data.
I'm working on the Prophet/Seer section currently, taking it a bit at a time. I've been feeling a lot of love towards people like Deropélé and Ementain and Opal lately, so that works out.


Seriously though it is 1AM again and we need sleep more than anything else at the moment. See you tomorrow.

 

 

 

march 15 2015

 

last night (like 2am really). just writing this down because it was very funny.

freezing cold, going to bed. joked "why didn't I fall in love with a fire person too"
genesis joked about victini, back in 2010, never panned out. shrugged and said "you have no one but yourself to blame"
chaos and I wondered about xennie for a minute, with her steam
then I called javier in (fire boy) and he decided okay cool, I'm fine with this
put his arms around me from behind and GOOD LORD THAT KID IS WARM
so he slept in our room that night, laurie's totally cool with him too, which is great

the 50 lemons joke with laurie
(you can't eat 50 lemons. [why not?] you'll die. [of what?] lemon overdose. [hmm.])
decided to only eat 25. she gives me three. I'm sleepily ecstatic. "three is good"

 

 

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@ 12:40 am

 

 

Oh my lord I am so glad we made a Tumblr blog for the Leagueworlds. It is the most uplifting thing for me, it's a godsend.
I think in concept clouds, usually, or data banks. Like... I get "packets" of info. I get "vibes" more than I get solid biographies, or concrete descriptions. It makes it hard to put things into words, but I know, I know what I would write about, once I figured ot how.
For example, just now, going through that blog's tag for Oneircia. That story is old and technically "finished" but the middle ground is empty. And yet... that blog is a testament to its richness nevertheless. When I see something that resonates with it, I know. And I put it there. So then suddenly, scrolling through that personal stockpile of abstract fact, it becomes easier to write. I now have something concrete to work FROM. Does that make sense? When it's all in this head/heart alone, it's tough to externalize at times. So I look for reflections. Kind of like the Subeta avatar set we have for the System, really; drawing them outright would have been near-impossible because I can't get it to translate that directly. But that generator gave me a means to "build" from my intuitive knowledge, an image that matched well enough. Same with the Leagueworlds.
It's getting easier, the drawing, little by little. I'll never forget the one day I sat down and sketched Bromeleice for the first time since I met her, and somehow I managed to draw her face shape EXACTLY, all on my own. It felt amazing I couldn't stop smiling; I had translated her likeness directly, and I didn't "screw up," and I didn't need outside aid (however helpful it may be) for once. Same thing with Deropélé; the first time I really tried to draw him (since age 9 or so), I did so digitally, and it just... turned out perfectly. It's just a sketch but every time I look at it my heart just warms up.

I am so happy though. I can't express just how much, how relieved I am, to have rediscovered this glittering bit of joy that I built, that reflects the grandeur and magnificence of the universes we shelter inside, however slightly. It's exactly, exactly what I need right now.

Today was... tricky? Strange.
Woke up at 9 and went to church, still foggy outside which was nice but it was brutally windy and cold. We sang in the choir for the first time in weeks, as it didn't hurt to do so anymore post-surgery. Then we went home and things got problematic.
Whenever the mother and grandmother interact there seems to be an explosion. It's not nice. People yell and throw things and fight and verbally bite at each others' throats. I can't tell you exactly what happened or when, all I know is that at one point the mother ended up cornering me in the kitchen while we were trying to eat safely for once, and talked and talked and talked and talked until we were practically sobbing over the stove and wishing she would leave but she wouldn't. She followed us, she does that.
I know she just wants someone to talk to. I know she appreciates that we listen. But we're a person too, we're more than just a body to throw words at. We LIKE silence, we cannot HANDLE your constant orders and whining and obsessions, it's too much NOISE.
She keeps talking about building a winery on her mother's homestead, nevermind that she doesn't even own it. She kept bringing up boxes and boxes of movies from the cellar and wouldn't stop telling me what they were, I'm sorry but I really do not care about the hundreds of VHS tapes you refuse to throw away, please give me some peace for five minutes.
Please stop forcing your likes and wants on ME and then being offended and angry when I say I want to build my OWN future. All my life you tried to make us a carbon copy of you. And even now, when we're finally learning what it means TO be ourself, you throw this at us, this and everything else, all the shame. I don't want to talk about that right now, not again.
All she talks about is wine, and movies, and Hollywood, and romance, fucking romance, she told me the other day that she only "moved back in" (again) because her boyfriend did something to her that made her want to "hurt him really badly." Then she smiled at me, that awful sort of proud but sour smile, and said "you'll see, that's what it's like in a relationship!" And I just turned my back to her and clenched my fists in silence because NO IT'S NOT.
And God knows it took me a LONG time to fully accept that realization, thanks to your constant messages of paranoid loathing as we grew up.
She never felt like a mother. We never associated her with the word. She purposely presents herself as young and scatterbrained and hyperactive and really we feel like we have to be a parent to her, to this day, she feels like a rebellious little sister. And that's FINE, that's fine for her, if she's happy with it. Go chase your dreams for once, go buy the property and build a house, go be a movie star or a model, go BE HAPPY, for God's sake I WANT to see you happy for once in your life but you keep getting in your own way and relishing in the pity. And I refuse to feed into that mindset anymore.
Is this bad, saying this? I want to say it TO her, I want to tell her she has my support but I will not support her childish behavior. I want to help her without her using me to do all her work FOR her.
And sometimes I want her to NOT TALK ALL THE TIME, sometimes I want her to STOP TOUCHING ME, I really really want her to RESPECT ME and stop calling me a freak but refusing to acknowledge my troubles and being altogether two-faced about every interaction she has with me/us.
She's a great person at heart but really, really, she is difficult as all hell to be around, and I'm sorry.
We want to be happy too, damn it, even if our happiness doesn't match yours. Stop telling us we can't have that.
I don't want to gossip or say bad things about people but the therapist says we HAVE to let this stuff out, we have to express our needs, we have a right to feel safe, et cetera. I just can't shake the guilt, it's hard to stand up to people when you can't figure out where the line is between them and you, and their resulting rage and anger makes you second-guess everything you just said.
So I was very stressed out today. Depression and anxiety got really bad, I couldn't get any music written, I couldn't read, I was exhausted and she gave me no peace and when she finally left I was a shambles of sorts. Plus I was freezing cold to the point where it was making the body cry from the feeling of utter helplessness and tiredness but that's over now. We're sitting down and trying not to feel guilty over it, we're warm enough, tomorrow is therapy, we're listening to League music, things feel better.

On that note, I've been writing a lot of music lately, or at least trying to get back into it. I use "I" very loosely there; I have very little recollection of any composition but the music's happening. It's frustrating; digitally we only have so many sounds to work with, but we try.
I know the most progress was made on "Spaceman Dreams," Margaret's tentative theme from Halcyon Days. It's a simple but cute theme that we tried to use only synthesized sounds for, almost like a chiptune. Maggie wants to be an astronaut and I associated that sort of synth sound with space travel as a child, thanks to educational vids in the 90s that always had such sounds in the background. Her friend Cherie's theme, "Sunshine," is also cute/simple, but it's slower and feels more like waking up early in the summer with sunlight on your face. I'm trying to use more muted sounds in it, but still bright.
In any case I've been trying to work on that series more lately, as it was one of the three that got hit the hardest by the Tar-- disturbingly, and horribly, it was mainly targeting the children in the League (destroying innocence) and now that we can see that, those of us working with the League are taking extra steps to heal that.
Halcyon Days is interesting; it's one of those stories that ended up having a deeper sort of hidden lesson, and it's one of those worlds that hasn't told us the deepest parts of itself yet. The more I learn of it, the more it tugs at my/our heart, and really I cannot wait until the day it just opens into light and becomes instantly beloved, totally, the way Dream World and Parnassus and Mage Angels all did.
Mage Angels though, God knows I love those girls, damaged though they are. I have no idea how they grew so much; they started out as a "dark magical girl" idea in 8th grade and Monika was the first "negative" character I'd ever met. But now... there is this strange, powerful affection in my heart for them, for everyone in that story. I'm focusing on their music too. I'm working on what might be their "theme song" and I adore it but I'm not sure if it's theirs, you know. Some songs start out as one thing and settle in as another.
Megan's current theme is still my favorite song atm; she's a bit of a club kid so I tried to catch that feeling of energy and confidence in it. It also has a "callback" bit to a melody I'm currently thinking is Monika's motif? It would be fitting, as the two are tied in purpose, but we'll see.
Leila's theme ("Snowblind") is really cool so far, no pun intended. I'm trying to balance the "winter" sound of bells and ambience with the biting grunge edge she carries beneath all that fluff, like a rusty knife edge-- small and precise, but ragged. Like the threat of ice beneath snow.
I'm working on themes for Monika, Kaeto, and Izephel, and need to start one for Nikki. But you see what I mean. I love them, I love this, music is such a joy for me/us when it comes to the League; it's one of the few ways we can catch the "vibes" Jewel can't quite put into words.
Rosewindow is feeling like it wants to talk to me really badly, so tomorrow (or Tuesday, depending on how much therapy changes our focus) I'll see what they have to say. Anu's theme is one of the most beautiful things we've ever channeled (Mr. Sandman's theme is too!), and her lullaby keeps looping in our head. But that story never revealed its true plot to us, not yet. I think it's fixing to. That's exciting.
(And of course Parnassus is always just waiting in the wings in one way or another, thank you Genesis.)

I know last night I said I would write more about yesterday's topics but I can't get into that mindset right now. I'm too shaken up and tired; I need to heal and recuperate first before I can properly hold such light. Right now, any effort to do something "good" is being met with floating-voice jeers and hatred. Earlier when we were depressed they told us flat-out to "kill ourself" because we weren't worth being alive or something. Surprisingly the fronter at that time didn't let that lie get to them; they knew it was cruel and false and they SAID so. Even if they were still depressed they at least realized that it wasn't a damnation of their character, and they still had a right to live, just as much as everyone else, even if they were miserable at the time. They claimed their right to have happiness and to reach for it, and rejected the claim that "everyone hates you and you should die." That's brutal emotional manipulation and it is NOT TRUE. We've heard enough of that. And also, everyone doesn't hate us. We love ourself, and there are actually people outside who love us, too. So those floating voices are losing their power, which they only had through force and fear anyway.
Speaking of, the Tar hackers are almost entirely powerless now, too. That is... the gratitude is huge. But that doesn't mean we're safe yet. The Plague can still take advantage of "obligatory" and numb mindstates, using blankness. We're watching for that now, and really it's easy as cake compared to the Tar, plus all our experience helps, and our fighters like Wreckage and Sugar and Eros and Laurie and even Julie refuse to let anything past the radar. So we're doing better.
I'm just pissed because they're still targeting Genesis and I swear I will tear those hackers' teeth out with a wrench if I get my hands on them. Gen hasn't healed like I have-- or maybe that's unfair to say. I don't carry trauma, that's my job. Genesis doesn't have the bizarre luxury of being able to shatter and reset whenever the terror gets unbearable. That happened to him once, a long time ago, and everything after that is still stuck with him.
I love him, I love him, he's my best friend no matter what, and I will do anything it takes to help him with this. I will stand between him and hell itself if I have to.
Laurie's been pushing for a Xanga session lately and I agree, and the blocks that were preventing that before feel like they're gone enough. We'll set this topic then, if Genesis wants to put it in writing. Otherwise I'll just talk to him all day tomorrow, as I always do when we're on the road.
God I have so much to say about him, too. No time tonight. That's a bad habit, one learned from childhood, pushing love and joy and wonder to the last second. We're allowed to give solid time to our own heart, you know. It's not stupid, it's not selfish, it's not "childish." It's childlike, and that's a very good thing. So really dude, next time you're up this late, let poet mode happen for once. It is the exact opposite of a waste of time, and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Someone tried to hack us tonight and we saw it was empty but it was so loud, so angry and vicious and intent to hurt, it was scary. But then we remembered that even if our numb side doesn't care how much we get hurt, there are outside consequences to our being hurt now, there are other people who care, and guess what? We don't want to let them down. We don't want to give up and give in when we need to be a pillar, a beacon, a hope-bringer, a rainbow. So we said that, and the hackers disappeared. Immediately.
It takes guts. It takes knowledge too, and that can be scary, because we're not always sure what is "us" and what is outside, what is "someone else." The confusion is more lethal than anything, I think. We'll discuss that with the therapist next. It's important.

The girl who wrote that really pained entry about 2 weeks back has been out in therapy, she's getting self-aware to a larger extent, she may stabilize into a name and/or face for sure soon. But... one thing stood out to me, last week, the therapist said something about our System's progress as a whole and that voice ended up admitting "I think I'm sabotaging everyone else's efforts" because she was afraid? I'm not sure about what, I'll have to ask her. But that was lucid. For a negative social of all people, to realize that their actions had harmful consequences for others, and to want to change that... that is new, and wonderful, and a huge light of hope.


This is still the most calming song we have ever written, thank you Glissando I assume. It is the exact sound of summer in our backyard, with sunbeams dripping heady and soft through the dark green trees, walking barefoot in the grass below and scenting flowers in the light air. Every time I hear it, it relaxes me instantly, and makes me smile. So there you go too.


I'm getting cold again and that weird lingering sadness won't go away, so I'm just going to get this body to sleep. Minty's concerned so she told us to keep Diamondheart (that white Care Bear she assigned to the Cores) around at night too, said his job is to ensure a little extra protection and peace.
Chaos is always there, always. So is Laurie. Genesis is finally sharing the bed as well, after us bugging him about that for months, if not years.
I've been feeling surprisingly close to MARKUS, of all people, lately? The Outspacers in general are getting a huge significance boost so I'm paying close attention to that when it hits. Ryman has been kind of distant, but I did get two things out of him-- one, that "Rio" is a nickname he likes more than his given name (hence no one being able to tell which was his "real name"), and two, that his distance as of late is thanks to his daemon. Apparently Ryman's fine with casual morbidity, with his dark fascinations and all, but when his own vices come creeping into his room on spider legs, that's where he draws the line. Which is odd. He's a terrifically brave kid, but he has this sort of naive edge that can keep him at a distance to the true danger of things. His vice is Sloth because his challenge is Void and he's avoiding looking at it... or his daemon. That's all I know about his situation right now.
Ironically, Markus-- the kid who is secretly terrified of his inherent shadows and has trouble sleeping over it-- has been talking to his daemon, with what I hope are helpful results, whatever that means for them. But maybe that's thanks to his old proud teenage confidence. Back then it was a brazen cool-kid vibe that blinded him to his own fears just as well as Jewel's fire did for her. Now though, it's settled into a sort of raw hope, and that's powerful. Maybe that's why I've been feeling a resonance with him recently. Hope's been working overtime.


Sleep. Sorry. We're infamously awful at concluding things... and staying on topic, arguably.

As always, genuine love to anyone/everyone reading this.