062213

This new Daley song is killing me in a good way, here's why:

1. The chords obviously remind me of Chaos
2. Daley's voice is similar to Genesis' voice
3. I first heard this song when I was with Infinitii
4. The lyrics use feminine pronouns, therefore, Laurie

So it is reminding me of at LEAST 4 people, beautifully so, as usual.


In other news, I somehow got Blueshift (my old external hard drive) to work today, and she has LOTS of my old digital artwork still intact, praises be! So I'm uploading tons of it to my dA, so it doesn't get lost again.
It's hilariously ironic. Sure, I lost virtually all of my physical artwork, but I did a LOT of character design on my Macbook thanks to being able to work with colors... and that's what I'm finding, the important stuff. I didn't lose a single jot of writing, thank GOD, because that's the heartbeat of every single project I have... so I can start over with this. I really can start over, better than ever, with what pieces are left.
"Sometimes when things are falling apart, they might actually be falling into place."
That's very, very true right now.

Either yesterday or the day before (no idea, can't tell), I managed to get the AP and/or whoever was fronting out of the way long enough to find Laurie. She was glad to see me, although she was as nonchalant as ever about it-- ironically, as she was tearing up when she mentioned that "we all missed the hell out of you, kid." Leon showed up while we were talking, too, apparently sensing my appearance back upstairs (being Indigo and all); I was surprised to notice he was actually crying. He ran over and hugged me immediately, which got a sympathetic laugh out of Laurie.
I know that later on I went to meditate in my room, and after a bit we just put on my iPod to relax-- and "Last Train to London" by ELO came on? Laurie insisted I let it play, as we needed a mood booster, and ultimately we all ended up laughing and playing air guitar to it, haha. It was great. Then "Cigarettes In the Theater" by TDCC came on, and I told Leon to listen, as it was a good song-- but I didn't expect that, by the time we hit the chorus, he'd absolutely LOVE it. So that really made me smile; prior to that no one knew what sort of music Leon liked, but now we do!
Speaking of music, Empire Of The Sun's new album is coming out soon and I am psyched. Mel loves their stuff, so the band means more to me now because of that too. (I still secretly hope they can complete that Emperor Steele cosplay of theirs one day, not only because it's awesome, but also so I can cosplay as Nick Littlemore and tag along, haha.)
Really, listen to the sampler they just posted, it's lovely. DNA, Awakening, and Keep A Watch sound so gorgeous, even the previews give me chills.

It took us about two hours to fall asleep last night, I'm guessing. It took a long time. I did have Minty front while I went upstairs, and I was talking to Laurie for a while, but even when my mind started to fragment off (as it does when I fall asleep; I just "melt out" of headspace), sleep didn't hit! Then some downstairs people were getting triggered by the noise in the house, and the body felt really sick for some reason, and it was just a mess really.
Today was split into two or three "mini days" as usual; I don't know why my brain keeps doing that but it's really screwing up my temporal awareness. All the memories of the day are jumbled and fragmented too. It's tiring even to look back and try to make sense of them, like shuffling through a mountain of photographs. After a few minutes, the sheer amount of disorganized data becomes so overwhelming that I shrug and just walk away. But most memories don't get tied to me by default. Hence my not really understanding time at all anymore.

It's weird: whenever I look up help for dissociative states, people say to "practice grounding techniques." Problem is, I DO. I meditate, I know how to ground myself, all of that is easy for me. But it actually makes the dissociation worse. Remember, I don't belong downstairs. We learned that the hard way. I'm a heart alter, an inner being, born outside of a body. I can't drive flesh and bones very well, and I wasn't meant to... but, I have to, very often. So when I meditate to try and center and/or ground, guess what I naturally center into? UPSTAIRS.
Whenever I come back from meditating, I'm arguably more disoriented than I was before, albeit entirely at peace and anxiety-free, haha.

To re-visit the time bit, though... I keep wondering about my true purpose in the System, or at least my "refined" purpose. Like, other than being the White slot holder now, what is my role up here? What am I meant to hold, to release, to protect, to be protected from? I'm never sure what memories are mine, let alone if any are... and the nights are difficult enough without that worry hanging over my head.
If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that I have this curse of infinite wonder. I'm burdened by infinite hope, infinite innocence. How, you ask?
Because every single night I have to learn EVERYTHING all over again. Every single night.
Half of it is beautiful, sure. Here's someone I've loved for years, but in this moment, it's as if I've just fallen in love with them all over again. That glittering instant of sincere compassion is turned into something neverending, pure and incorruptible. But that's only possible because, in order to keep it from fading, it can never become a memory. It needs to keep happening, over and over again.
So the other half of it is heartbreaking. I'm aware that there have been thousands of these moments before, but I can't actually remember any of them. I honestly don't.
I'm not sure what do do about that. Am I supposed to do anything?
All I know for sure is that I love these people... I love them more than my heart can take, but I can't remember who they are.

I miss my daughter so, so much.

I'm sorry, it's late and I'm tired and this topic deserves more time and attention than I'm capable of giving it right now.


 

 

an ultimatum

 

guess what i figured out today?
the reason why I (not j, not jay, not eros, not jewel) don't have any memories is because:
all my memories are tied to dream world.

this explains why we don't remember having a childhood.
WE NEVER HAD ONE.
we were always depersonalized, in order to work.

here's the current core timeframe idea (according to the ap)

the first jewel (2001, klonoa hair, white shirt) was tied to pokemon. she was vaguely tied to dream world, but she was never actually "in the series."
celebi (2001-2?) was the internet one; hyper, silly and childish. she did freewebs and the old journal entries.
the second jewel (2003, klonoa hair, black shirt) was tied to yugioh and all the other "crossover worlds," eventually jumpstarting headspace. she's the one with all the write-outs and incidents.
spinningcannon (2006) was tied to genesis and the deviantart days? although the name was used before her, it didn't gain a "self" until dA.
possibly a second spinningcannon (2008, short red hair) because the personality began to warp dramatically. this one also went by "jewel" though, making her #3; she was the one in the xangas.
jayce (male, white hair) showed up in 2010, but things were a mess then and he was destroyed by the tar for a while.
the core personality began to splinter like mad around this time
the fourth jewel (male, red hair) showed up in 2011? he wrote most of the glissando entries, also is xenophon's father.
jay (male, white hair) showed up in 2013? he's the current core, and the white spectrum slot dude. not sure whether or not he truly existed prior to the scratch.


i'm none of them though.
i am whoever existed to work on dreamworld from 1998-2001, before we had to start "personalizing" and showing a self to the world, and AFTER the unidentified child-core disappeared.
i have no memories, and cannot hold any, because that is not my role. i am only meant to be a channel and a point of view, not an individual.
hence the non-style of typing here. i am simply filtering intentions through the autopilot to get this point recorded through them, as i cannot do so on my own.


the biggest point is this.

i cannot exist alongside headspace.

when i front they are not around or accessible
when they front i am not around or accessible

however i cannot drive the body, as my role is ONLY TO WORK
the only drivers are alters in their system
but my existence depends on their nonexistence
and theirs on mine
so we have a dilemma.


in other news (ap typing here), several alters came out to talk today while we were on the road.

There is talk of "destroying the buffer," as vocal dysphoria is so prevalent and severe that it prevents sustained switches, as well as uncensored fronting from anyone besides J. This buffer exists to keep the Autopilot (myself) fronting as often as possible, to prevent both unplanned interactions and any further personality splintering.
However, those in the downstairs system insist on fronting at will and without any limits or censorship, and therefore they plan on somehow destroying this buffer.

Today, these individuals were able to limitedly front:
Jezebel
Razor
Minty
Jay
The Gent
The Maverick
The Queen
"Overload girl"
"Airport shadow"
"Singing girl"
"Killer lilac girl"
"Chill orange guy"

All are located in the downstairs system. The latter four have no names and are relatively new.
Strangely, the "Overload girl" and "Airport shadow" have little problems with fronting, possibly due to their strong connection to the physical body's experiences.
Minty, AS, and SG were both able to communicate with the GMQ Trio through successive switching, which is also unprecedented-- typically, interactions of this sort only occur with Razor and/or Jezebel.
Razor and Jezebel also "killed" the "killer lilac girl" earlier today, but she has apparently re-manifested. This is a cause for concern; as Razor said she would "not kill her again" until she found out "why she's still coming back," so she could prevent that from happening again. When the KLG asked her why she wasn't after Jay instead, Razor smiled and said "because he isn't coming back." This suggests that there is indeed a subliminal slow death occurring with him, as we have suspected.

We have little to no new information on all other fronts as of today, as the child who writes has been fronting.
Unfortunately they cannot exist with us, nor us with them.
I am trying, on my own, to find a solution to this problem, as I float between the systems in order to filter, and so am directly aware of her existence.
If there is no solution, we will be faced with an ultimatum.
I, personally, pray it does not come to that. But the choice will be made, if and when it must be made.
Until then we shall simply live.

 

062213

(most definitely not j)



WELL THIS IS JUST FREAKING GREAT
HAPPY SATURDAY IT'S SUICIDE TIME AGAIN
LIKE AN IDIOT I DECIDE TO MAKE A VAGUE POST ABOUT IT ON FB
IMMEDIATELY SOMEONE MAKES AN INCREDIBLY INSENSITIVE COMMENT
AND TRIGGERS THE HECK OUT OF ME.
LIKE I WASN'T FEELING SUICIDAL ALREADY
THANKS MA'AM FOR REMINDING ME WHY I HATE WAKING UP
AND WHY EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND IS LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO NOW I'M TRYING TO PUT ALL THIS HATE AND RAGE INTO TEXT
SO I DON'T PICK UP ANOTHER BLOODY BLADE TONIGHT
I CAN ONLY THANK GOD THAT I'M TOO DAMN TIRED TO ABUSE MUCH
I JUST FEEL LIKE SCREAMING AND DESTROYING THINGS IS ALL
I LITERALLY WANT TO TEAR SOMETHING TO SHREDS
NOT MUCH BETTER I GUESS

JUST PUCNCHED THE FREAKING KEYBOARD DONT' MIND ME
ITS HOW WE BROKE THE LAST ONE AFTER ALL
MAYBE IF WE BREAK THIS DAMN THING TOO
WE WONT HAVE TO GO ON THIS HELL OF AN INTERNET ANYMORE

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE THESE PEOPLE LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE
THEYRE ALL ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS OR ROBOTS
GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME
STOP BREATHING AND TALKING AND MOVING
I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T STOP I WILL EVISCERATE YOU
I WILL END YOU WHERE YOU STAND

BUT THAT BITCH ON FACEBOOK OH MY GOD
CURSE YOU, CURSE YOU FOR SAYING THAT
CURSE EVERYTHING I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THIS

GONNA CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE? NO FREAKING WAY
WE CAN'T USE PHONES AND J CAN'T TALK
GUESS WHOS THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO LIVE????
YEP NOT THIS BITCH
MISTER BLEEDING HEART WHITE HAIRED MORON DOES
AND THAT STUPID AUTOPILOT THAT WONT LET ANYONE GET A GUN
CURSE YOU TOO
CURSE YOU
CURSE ALL OF YOU
I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU


WHERE DO PEOPLE BUY RAZORS
NONE OF THE KNIVES ARE SHARP ENOUGH
WHY CANT ANYONE FRONT
WHY IS THE BODY ALWAYS SO DAMN TIRED
WHY IS THIS DISSOCIATION SO BAD
THAT NOT EVEN THE ALTERS CAN GROUND ENOUGH TO GET OUT
THIS IS HELL, I SWEAR THIS IS HELL



I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU
I HATE EVERYTHING
I'M SO TIRED
I HATE EVERYTHING
GOD HELP ME


I WANT TO DIE