survey

(no idea who is fronting right now)
(fighting off suicidal impulses at 1am as usual, no one cares jerk)

How are you?
Bad. I've been dissociated for several days. I know neither which nor how many people are fronting right now. I don't even know who I am.
What I know: saying I'm "not doing well" is a total blatant lie because pain and suffering are illusions, so feeling suicidal makes me a demon and a slut, great.

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
I wish I were no one. There are too many people here already. The downstairs system keeps trying to annihilate the upstairs one, and the underground girls want EVERYONE to die.
Days like this, I wish headspace never existed, that I never existed, that all of this would just disappear into nothingness.
To joke, yes, I do wish I were someone else right now. I wish I were The Batter, with my hands on the OFF switch.

What is your entire name?
Names make no sense. They're jumbles of noise that we respond to, that's all. (But it's a fantastic concept, says J.)

How old are you?
The body is 23. We've all lived through several eternities and several ages of oblivion. Age makes no sense either.

Age you get mistaken for:
We frequently say "18" or "12" when asked, and none of us know why yet.

Where do you work?
Nowhere right now. Our dissociation and reactive tendencies alone are distressing enough to keep us from holding one. Again, that's a piss-poor excuse and you should be ashamed of your shitty attitude and lazy fucking ass.

Something you are working on right now:
The DW child is trying to fix typecodes again, I know it's frustrating them. We're trying to take notes on all the headspace stuff we forgot, especially pre-Scratch things. We don't know what's still relevant and nothing feels like it matters anymore. Maybe we all should just die.

Do you have any “rules” about food?
Too many. We have an eating disorder, for one. Also, we can't eat entire meals, or organized plates. We have this weird compulsion where we typically have to tear apart, rinse/drain, mix and then re-separate, and/or divide food into several tiny portions before eating it. Basically, make us scavenge for food or eat scraps. It's the only way we feel comfortable with it mostly.

Are you a bad person?
Yes. No. I don't know what bad is. You're the worst person on earth. Shut the fuck up. You don't exist. Neither do I.

Are you nice to everyone?
We try. Some of us don't care. Most of them downstairs don't. They just don't give a shit. Nice is relative.

What is your ideal bed? Why?
J loves canopy beds. (It's because I like having something over my head! Not sure why.) He seems to like small, secret spaces like that.

Did you wake up cranky?
I don't remember. We dreamed about fire and tornadoes and death. It was nighttime. I think we almost died.

Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?
I do!!! (Minty)

What do you think about the most?
If no one is talking, nothing. The brain is literally empty, thanks to the AP. Unfortunately our past therapist could not comprehend this fact, and we wonder if this is normal.

What you want to be when you “get older”?
We don't know. Again, age makes no sense to us. Even our adults have no comprehension of "growing up."

What are your career goals?
Our first system core wanted to be an animator. Right now, most of us just want to survive until tomorrow. We don't plan far ahead.

Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Not in the least. Two years ago (June 2011) was when our system core changed, we think. In any case, 2011 is an eternity away.

Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
No, as we do not retain event memories. There is only vague factual data. We can only replay things if we write them down, and then re-read them, and then the memory is often badly skewed.

Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
We had several as a child, and still have several now, if they will pardon the inaccurate term.

Say 10 facts about your room:
Downstairs?
It is purple. There is a work desk in it. There are exactly two glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Minty's Care Bear plush is on the nightstand. So is J's old dream journal. Only one of the windows opened. The old PS1 is always hooked up so Jewel can play Klonoa. We have a bookshelf in the corner that is 30% Animorphs. The lighting in the room is very bad. The lamp on the nightstand has a blue light bulb.

Describe yourself in one word/sentence:
We need help, but don't know what it is, or how to ask for it.
One word: paradoxical.

A quote you try to live by:
"You have the power to create. Your power is so strong that whatever you believe comes true."

Weird things you do when you’re alone:
One voice likes to come out and sing. Some others just want to talk out loud. We used to get severe hacks when we were alone. We haven't been alone for a while though so we can't tell if that still happens or not.

You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?
J wants headspace symbols on the left inner arm. The core child wants J-Monster symbols on the right. It would be ironic if we got both.

If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
The instinctual answer is "stop Julie from ever being created." But God only knows what that timeline would be like.

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
The verdict is either 2010, 2011, or 2012, all for entirely different reasons, from different people... the first for the breakage, the second for the fronters, the third for the trauma.

How you’d spend ten thousand bucks?
Food, clothing, art commissions, savings. The only risk: a manic binge.

Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with someone you love for ten years or someone you hate for a month? Explain why.
Someone we hate for a month. We don't do relationships well, and months last for decades anyway.

5 things within touching distance:
A glass lamp. The internet cable. A throw pillow. A flashlight. A bible.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Killing ourself. Sleeping. Running away. Going outside and looking at the moon. Cutting. Nothing. Something. Everything.

Currently wanting to see anyone?
J is sitting in the corner, looking very distraught at this question. But it is not in my programming to care.