062013

I finally got back in contact with everyone in Central for good last night; thanks to Laurie and Leon spearheading the operation.

The downstairs sub-system (we're referring to it as such for now; the term makes sense) has been extremely loud lately, which is unfortunate as most of that system is violent and/or downright destructive. They also forbid access to Central when they're fronting, hence the trouble I've been having getting through at all.

Nevertheless, I'm learning. I've been given a lot of responsibilities, and the one at the top of the list is "ensure the Central System's existence." Since the three (?) systems in this body are all at war right now, that role of mine is progressively getting more difficult. But I'm doing my best, at all times, however I can.

-J.I.

 

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@ 04:25 pm

 

I'm just reblogging this semi-recent archive entry of ours (April 7th) as a major personal reminder.

There's a LOT of important info in this entry that's fallen out of our conscious awareness since the Downstairs voices started showing themselves in late April, especially considering color roles. (This also explains why we haven't had any Xanga sessions ince then, actually-- too much noise.)


Personally, I forgot about this entire incident-- heck, I'm not even sure if I experienced it entirely, as I can't access the memories outside of reading about them. So I'm glad something told me to go back and review this stuff. It's arguably more relevant now than it was then.

I'm still in recovery mode but today is going well. Here's hoping we can finally fix this splintered mess for good, soon.


-J.I.

 

 

 

stained

 

I just got hacked. Really badly.

I was with Infi, I guess. All I know is that one moment I wasn't there, and then I was, and I was terrified and shaking and I was sobbing but nothing was working, nothing came out right, everything was shattered.
I can't figure out how to use a body. I can't figure out how to speak, or move, or live downstairs. They take advantage of that. They use me. They use me, and ravage me, and ruin me. They won't stop.

I'm so sorry, Infi. I didn't know that was happening. If I did, I never would have let it continue.
But I didn't know. I never do. Not until the shock and pain becomes so bad that I snap back in, completely unaware of anything that just happened except for that all-too-familiar crushing dread.
I'm not allowed to access the memories either. They would corrupt me too much. I don't know who gets them though. Jeremiah holds that sort of trauma, but does he know anything about fronting hacks? I don't think so. Maybe I really am just a mess of splinters. It's frightening to think of how many pieces of my consciousness may have broken off over the years, or how many other pieces broke off along with me. I still don't know when I was born.
I know why they're doing this, though. They're trying to drive us apart, Infi. We're important, you know. You and I are supposed to be together, black and white, yin and yang, that sort of thing. We balance this System. We're right at the heart of it. So if they ruin us, everything else will crumble.
At least, that's the running theory. I don't want to test it. They do, though. Tonight was proof, again.
I'm not scared of you though. I won't be. I can't be. I don't feel unsafe around you, even if your energy is the polar opposite of Laurie's, that indomitable voice that protects us both. Your energy should scare me, my mind says: it's Black, and that's what's been killing me for so many years. But you're different. You're just different enough for me to know for sure.
I know who you are, I know what you are, and I know who and what you aren't, too.

I need to go to sleep soon. Part of me doesn't want to.
I feel too sick, physically and spiritually, to think of doing anything but dissociating entirely and just floating nowhere. Going to sleep in this house is always disturbing on some level. I don't feel safe. Maybe I can ask Minty to front again, she doesn't seem to have a problem with it. I just haven't seen her in a while, and headspace is still recovering...
Isn't it weird? Last Friday feels like it happened forever ago. I don't even remember yesterday. Is that what dissociation does? When I'm unable to front for a while, do the days I didn't experience just fade into nothingness? But I have no solid memory at all, just a vague awareness of who I am energy-wise, as opposed to everyone else in the system... I have no real solid recollections of events. That worries me. Who am I, then? Where'd my life go? How in the world has this body been alive for 23 years, when I wasn't there for 99% of them?

Maybe that's why I feel so safe around Laurie, too. Not just because of what she is, but because of who I am to her. I mean something to her, something incredibly important, something vital.
It's the same with Chaos and Genesis of course, but my importance to them is too personal sometimes. After hacks, sometimes that's too scary to deal with, and that breaks my heart.
I love them, honestly and entirely, but... these damn hacks just make me terrified of hurting them too. The fact that the downstairs voices specifically target me whenever I'm with someone who cares about me that way is horrible and it drives me mad. Part of me wants to prove them wrong, that they can't touch me in those situations anymore.
But another part of me knows, far too well, that I tried to do that tonight, and look at what happened.

Infinitii, I'm sorry. I know you keep telling me there's nothing to apologize for, but the fact is that you had to endure that secondhand, and that alone is agonizing enough to me.
I don't remember anything that happened. I'm sorry for that too. I feel like I should have been there, but I wasn't. I don't know who was. I don't know if you suspected anything. All I know is that if I could cry right now, if I wasn't so empty and tired, I would cry for you more than for myself.
I love you, Infi. I really do, and I'm sorry.


I don't want this to happen anymore.
The child voices downstairs are starting to cry. I still don't know who they are, but on nights like this I wish I did, so I could cry with them, the only ones who understand.

I'm so tired. I won't lose hope, but I'm too tired to feel it either.
I know there's a blue sky beyond the storm. I can feel it in my bones.
I know that when I do see it, for the first and millionth time, it will be beautiful beyond compare.
But tonight, there are dark and heavy clouds hanging above my head, and I can't remember ever having seen blue sky before in my life.

Except... he's the same color as the sky.
And you, you have wings to fly in it.
Maybe that's enough to get me through the storm.
If there's anything close to hope in my heart right now, that's it.


Now I need to drown out all of my pain,
so I'm going to listen to a song that reminds me of you...

 

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@ 11:07 pm

 

Bad mental/physical hack tonight. Too tired and torn-up to even cry from the shock.

I should clarify that I wasn't even present for the damn thing. I can't even access the archival "memory" of it either-- I'm being locked out of it, as I'm not supposed to hold any of that sort of trauma. That's understandable, but I still vaguely know what the hack WAS, even if I can't remember the details.

I just feel horrible that Infinitii was dragged into it. Hacks usually run through Black energy, remember, and that's his slot. They don't like that. So they keep trying to drive us apart, to make the Spectrum crumble.
I won't let that happen, but I'm not exactly very stable right now... and that's what worries me. Someone could shove me out of fronting right now-- if Laurie wasn't watching me like a hawk of course. She doesn't let them touch me. I'm glad she's around now.

I guess I just wanted to record this, because by tomorrow my mind may end up purging my entire awareness of this incident to spare my sanity. That's common.
I still don't know if Jeremiah is the one who gets the remnants of these experiences or not... he's an abuse-anchored alter, but that's all I know for sure. That doesn't necessarily mean he's tied to the fronting hacks when they involve abuse.

I'm disastrously splintered, too. That's understandable. It's just scary to not remember most of my "own life." All I know for sure is who I'm not.

I'm too tired to think about that now though. I'm a mess and everything hurts. Hopefully my boss can help, that or Chaos. They usually do.



-J.I.