062213

[prismaticbleed]

This new Daley song is killing me in a good way, here's why:

1. The chords obviously remind me of Chaos
2. Daley's voice is similar to Genesis' voice
3. I first heard this song when I was with Infinitii
4. The lyrics use feminine pronouns, therefore, Laurie

So it is reminding me of at LEAST 4 people, beautifully so, as usual.


In other news, I somehow got Blueshift (my old external hard drive) to work today, and she has LOTS of my old digital artwork still intact, praises be! So I'm uploading tons of it to my dA, so it doesn't get lost again.
It's hilariously ironic. Sure, I lost virtually all of my physical artwork, but I did a LOT of character design on my Macbook thanks to being able to work with colors... and that's what I'm finding, the important stuff. I didn't lose a single jot of writing, thank GOD, because that's the heartbeat of every single project I have... so I can start over with this. I really can start over, better than ever, with what pieces are left.
"Sometimes when things are falling apart, they might actually be falling into place."
That's very, very true right now.

Either yesterday or the day before (no idea, can't tell), I managed to get the AP and/or whoever was fronting out of the way long enough to find Laurie. She was glad to see me, although she was as nonchalant as ever about it-- ironically, as she was tearing up when she mentioned that "we all missed the hell out of you, kid." Leon showed up while we were talking, too, apparently sensing my appearance back upstairs (being Indigo and all); I was surprised to notice he was actually crying. He ran over and hugged me immediately, which got a sympathetic laugh out of Laurie.
I know that later on I went to meditate in my room, and after a bit we just put on my iPod to relax-- and "Last Train to London" by ELO came on? Laurie insisted I let it play, as we needed a mood booster, and ultimately we all ended up laughing and playing air guitar to it, haha. It was great. Then "Cigarettes In the Theater" by TDCC came on, and I told Leon to listen, as it was a good song-- but I didn't expect that, by the time we hit the chorus, he'd absolutely LOVE it. So that really made me smile; prior to that no one knew what sort of music Leon liked, but now we do!
Speaking of music, Empire Of The Sun's new album is coming out soon and I am psyched. Mel loves their stuff, so the band means more to me now because of that too. (I still secretly hope they can complete that Emperor Steele cosplay of theirs one day, not only because it's awesome, but also so I can cosplay as Nick Littlemore and tag along, haha.)
Really, listen to the sampler they just posted, it's lovely. DNA, Awakening, and Keep A Watch sound so gorgeous, even the previews give me chills.

It took us about two hours to fall asleep last night, I'm guessing. It took a long time. I did have Minty front while I went upstairs, and I was talking to Laurie for a while, but even when my mind started to fragment off (as it does when I fall asleep; I just "melt out" of headspace), sleep didn't hit! Then some downstairs people were getting triggered by the noise in the house, and the body felt really sick for some reason, and it was just a mess really.
Today was split into two or three "mini days" as usual; I don't know why my brain keeps doing that but it's really screwing up my temporal awareness. All the memories of the day are jumbled and fragmented too. It's tiring even to look back and try to make sense of them, like shuffling through a mountain of photographs. After a few minutes, the sheer amount of disorganized data becomes so overwhelming that I shrug and just walk away. But most memories don't get tied to me by default. Hence my not really understanding time at all anymore.

It's weird: whenever I look up help for dissociative states, people say to "practice grounding techniques." Problem is, I DO. I meditate, I know how to ground myself, all of that is easy for me. But it actually makes the dissociation worse. Remember, I don't belong downstairs. We learned that the hard way. I'm a heart alter, an inner being, born outside of a body. I can't drive flesh and bones very well, and I wasn't meant to... but, I have to, very often. So when I meditate to try and center and/or ground, guess what I naturally center into? UPSTAIRS.
Whenever I come back from meditating, I'm arguably more disoriented than I was before, albeit entirely at peace and anxiety-free, haha.

To re-visit the time bit, though... I keep wondering about my true purpose in the System, or at least my "refined" purpose. Like, other than being the White slot holder now, what is my role up here? What am I meant to hold, to release, to protect, to be protected from? I'm never sure what memories are mine, let alone if any are... and the nights are difficult enough without that worry hanging over my head.
If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that I have this curse of infinite wonder. I'm burdened by infinite hope, infinite innocence. How, you ask?
Because every single night I have to learn EVERYTHING all over again. Every single night.
Half of it is beautiful, sure. Here's someone I've loved for years, but in this moment, it's as if I've just fallen in love with them all over again. That glittering instant of sincere compassion is turned into something neverending, pure and incorruptible. But that's only possible because, in order to keep it from fading, it can never become a memory. It needs to keep happening, over and over again.
So the other half of it is heartbreaking. I'm aware that there have been thousands of these moments before, but I can't actually remember any of them. I honestly don't.
I'm not sure what do do about that. Am I supposed to do anything?
All I know for sure is that I love these people... I love them more than my heart can take, but I can't remember who they are.

I miss my daughter so, so much.

I'm sorry, it's late and I'm tired and this topic deserves more time and attention than I'm capable of giving it right now.