dying to live

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE GENESIS APOLYMIS LYNNE STABELLE MR. SANDMAN JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE CHAOS ZERO LEON KIASI SPINE HYPOMONE



And here we are, with the long-awaited followup to our March entries.

We sure are. You got the note file open?

Not yet... all right, now I do.

Good. Because we need to go through that list one at a time, and figure out what's been solved and what's still up for discussion.

Also we need to get everyone else in here.

I'm here!! Told you I'd show up.

Haha, awesome.

I've got the whole crew with me, don't worry.

And I daresay you wanted me to participate in this conversation, child?

I sure did, with what's been happening lately.

We're missing someone important.

Who, Chaos?

Yeah. Where the heck is he? Jewel, go get him.

All right, all right, I'm here.

Seriously dude, are you okay?

...No, not really.

We did discuss this last night. You two discussed it twice. It's going to be okay.

Sure, but it still hurts like hell.

What happened?

We'll get to that. First we need to catch up on everything that's been happening since May, because that is some serious business and we haven't talked about it here yet, for inexplicable reasons.

Schedule conflicts, channeling strain and the fact that a LOT has happened in the past three months on top of all that.

True, but this is still a major issue.

It is. Let's get started, then. Our first point is--

The splinters. Let's start there.

Should we? Because I have the ego conflict listed here first.

Wait, really? All right, put that down. That does tie into this.

Okay. Back around May 5th, I think, I discovered that my biggest problem was not Julie, in a sense-- it was the fact that I was actually not the person driving all the time. My 'ego' was. I have it defined as "a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness." Which is true. It's simply a mask, a programmed set of actions and thoughts, that runs whenever I'm not explicitly in control and causes a ton of problems.

Like the incessant talking in public.

Right. And we also discovered, last night--

Don't bring that up yet, it's too early. Keep going with the old notes.

All right. Uh, everyone is paying attention to this, right?

Yes, child. I've been keeping up with the news.

How? I never see you around.

Laurie fills me in, friend.

Oh. I didn't know that.

Yeah, most of the things I'm going to list here are probably common knowledge for all of you at this point... but just in case, I'm going to reiterate them, and of course our invisible audience has no idea what these things are right now. I just wanted everyone here to catch up.

That's fine with me.

I got caught up early then.

You did! But that was because you directly tied into what we were dealing with at the time.

Jewel, keep talking. We're on a bit of a time limit here.

You're right. Okay, next bit... this is where the splinter talk starts. It deals with old theories though, Laurie.

Which ones?

The 'original consciousness' thing.

Yeah, we debunked that.

But only because of the splinter issue.

So explain that jargon already.

Okay. On May 5th, I discovered that thanks to all my mask-wearing and destructive coping methods in the past, I had developed at least three "splinter" personalities. These are not real individuals, instead being almost 'reflections' of me, but in an incomplete and very specific way. And yes, the 'ego' is technically one. Although I only became aware of them in May, we all postulated that they had 'solidified' during my January trip to the psychiatric ward. This is because, prior to that incident, the aspects that the splinters hold had been part of my personality, I guess. But both during and after the psych ward trip, those aspects disappeared from me completely, and began to only occur when my own consciousness was compromised in dangerous situations.

Back in May you didn't think they were entirely separate from you, though.

That's not entirely untrue though. They're splinters for a reason-- broken parts of me that I don't need, but that were 'me' at one point.

Were they really?

...I'm not sure, actually. They seemed to-- wait, we discussed this last night too. Geez. I'm getting very disoriented.

Let me talk then. Your first splinter is the one we call "Thanatos." It is a breakoff of your old death drive.

That's what always made me feel like I had to harm and kill myself, if I did something wrong.

Yeah, because Thanatos doesn't see the whole picture. It's selfish, and that's why it broke off. Your 'death drive' was originally a positive thing, a need to rid yourself of negative aspects in order to let better aspects take hold. But, with your mindset at the time, it quickly became corrupted and turned into a destruction drive. It started wanting to annihilate everything that didn't fit its narrow, unrealistic view of perfection.

It wanted me to have no faults, no mistakes, nothing. It didn't realize that I could learn from mistakes, and that some 'faults' weren't faults at all in the big picture. Things like that. It works blindly, really. Thanatos only manifests when I'm under extreme stress, and almost always after hacks, for obvious reasons. And when it shows up, its sole motive is to kill me and everything around me that it views as harmful or a problem.

Which is usually everything.

Yeah, it's become pretty maniacal. Also it is unable to interact with people. I tried talking to it yesterday, but... I don't know. It doesn't even seem to exist in a complete state unless its running through me.

Because its quickly losing its power. It's still connected to that lingering drive in you, kid. As long as you still hold on to that old destruction principle in some sense, it won't go away entirely.

How does he still have a 'destruction principle?'

I think that ties into my ego, again. But we'll get to that thing later. I want to talk about the second fragment first.

That one is seriously dangerous.

I know. Which is kind of scary. See, we call my second splinter 'Fragment.' It only becomes conscious if I'm in a state of extreme trauma or an emotional meltdown, and it... doesn't do anything. It literally just turns off everything, and completely unhinges. It feels nothing.

That one was definitely born from the psych ward.

...Yeah. Actually, Thanatos manifested after that because I rejected my abusive tendencies during that time, but with the awful side effects I got from my medication, I was fighting a rough battle. I honestly became so violent and frantic from my meds that, after about a week, I was spending my entire day walking around the house ranting senselessly and feeling like my head was going to explode. I was suicidal, 24/7, and I had a hairtrigger temper that would cause me to literally start destroying everything around me if it was set off. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever felt... it was like there was a raging fire in my head, all the time. It wasn't a depressive sort of suicidal drive... it was a maniacal sort. It was like, "if I don't kill myself this instant and stop all this fire and pain and rage, I am going to kill everything else." It was bad.

But once you got off the meds it went away.

Only from me. That incredibly powerful death drive is what Thanatos was born from, though. But it did go away from me completely. I don't ever feel anything like that unless it takes over, and then I'm not even driving.

How did the fragment one solidify, though?

...That one was a long time coming. In the past, when I would be in traumatic situations, I would always tell myself "it'll be over soon, just bite the bullet and wait it out." I would never fight back. I would compromise my morals and my very self because I was so terrified. That happened in Utah a few times, and with my family several times... but that one night in the psych ward was the final blow. It shattered me.

...I know what night that was.

Yeah. I won't talk about it here, but it scarred me. The ward itself forced me into a state of blind trauma for five days straight, but that night was the final nail in the coffin. Once I got out, and after I recovered from my medication, I understood with painful clarity that I could no longer do that to myself in traumatic situations. I had to fight back and get out, not freeze up and 'deal with it.' Unfortunately, since that reaction had splintered, it still takes over in times of trauma for me, and now since it is no longer me, it is twice as dangerous.

That bloody splinter doesn't feel a thing, so it doesn't comprehend pain and death and has no qualms about inflicting them on others.

It likes to tear things apart and just look at them. I have no idea where that came from, but it's scary.

Tear things apart?

Yeah. It's... kind of unsettlingly methodical. Actually, that probably ties into the trauma. It wants to learn every last detail about the things that triggered it, like I used to, so I could 'neutralize' or avoid them. But since the splinter can't feel and it doesn't understand the traumatic feelings I get from those situations, it will keep me in them just so it can study them. It's a total perversion of my old coping methods. Genesis, you know about that from my early research days.

Yeah, so that's what happened to it?

Pretty much.

Ironically that does help. The splinter just takes it way too bloody far.

...


About... about that. The last splinter is technically my ego.

The ultimate mask, huh?

Yep. I already mentioned that it's a bunch of expectations and shallow ideas strung together, but what I didn't mention was that, for most of my life, that was what I projected to the world. I was always strongly aware of a severe disconnect between 'the real me' and the 'me' I lived outwardly, at school and at home. That outward 'me' was the ego. It was crafted specifically to fit what other people wanted me to be. It was never me... but I didn't realize that until 2008, when I was forced to re-evaluate my entire life up to that point. That's when I slowly started becoming aware that my everyday actions were not conscious actions-- the person I was around others was a lie.

When the heck did it break off for good though?

It didn't, really. It still haunts me, every day, because it was so strongly enforced in the past.

No, I mean when did you clearly understand that it was not you, in any sense?

Uh, probably around late 2009? Because by 2010 there was already a mental war going on for me, in trying to finally overcome those ego drives. It's why Utah was so hard for me: I kept shuffling back and forth between myself and that old thing, because I was still unsure and scared. I was still too paranoid to stand up for myself. 2009 was a big transition year for me, but 2010 was when things really started to clarify themselves... and this year has been nonstop progress, pretty much. I almost can't believe how much I've grown in truth over the past 5 months.

It has been incredible, yeah.

You too, Laurie.

Don't forget Chaos, if you're going to point me out.

...Thanks.

Hey, it's the absolute truth, buddy. But since you're still looking absolutely miserable, I say we move on to the next topic. Jewel?

Sorry. Can I quickly clarify what that "original consciousness" thing was, though?

Sure, go ahead. We almost forgot about that.

Exactly! So, back when I first noticed the splinters, I began to wonder if Julie fit that definition, because she keeps insisting that I 'took this body from her' and everything, but remember I consciously built a framework for her to personify within when I was a child. She ended up becoming horrifically corrupted, true, but that statement made me wonder if she was a 'consciousness' before that. Then I understood that, no, I was the base consciousness, and besides me there had only been what dark qualities she had formed from... and the ego. Which she is technically tied to anyway.

Both she and the ego grew into absolute monsters in time.

They did. And their arguments against me were based on their innate self-gratification and preservation instincts, where they want what they want at any cost, and will do the same thing to survive. Back when the splinters showed up, though, I began to worry if they were right, and whether or not I'd be able to safely front without them trying to hack me. Well, we solved that now, but back then it was a huge concern, thanks to my splintering.

So basically you thought that your splinters were making it too dangerous to drive, because with them around you were hacked insanely easily.

Yep. And we figured out why that was last night.

They're all working together.

What-- all of them? I thought you said they weren't individuals?

They're not. Julie is manipulating them. Since the two main splinters work as automatic drives, Julie has learned how to bring them out, and then use either them or the ego to break through our defenses and attack Jewel while he's not consciously able to fight her. It's sick, huh?

So that's why I've been having such a hard time with this...

We all have.

Do not worry, Josephina. I believe Julie knows what she is now up against, and will not try such underhanded tactics so often.

Not after you punched her in the freakin' face, no.

I told you, Laurie, I was ticked off. That shadow truly tests my patience.

Thanks for showing up last night, again.

It was the least I could do, Jewel.

If you're going to talk about that, at least have the decency to mention what she did that reduced me to this.

We will, Chaos. We're just getting ahead of ourselves, as usual. Jewel, next topic.

Okay. So we just said how Julie is using my splinters to get at me, and how the ego, being another purely self-interested drive, effectively has the same goals as Julie in that sense. Plus the ego works with Julie's mindset because it allows itself to be freely manipulated to fit the whims of others. It has no moral code of its own. That's why I was... that's why my fragment splinter had enough trauma to work with, in order to solidify.

No bloody kidding.

That's my line, CZ. And chill out, please. We are dealing with this the best we can.

I am as chilled out as I can possibly be right now. I know we're dealing with it, but really Laurie, that hurt more than I can express.

We know. And I'm sorry, but we did what we had to and now we have to deal with the present situation.

I can't just forget what she did to him.

I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to at least accept that it was not our fault that it happened.

I didn't say it was. I'm furious with her.

And we can't do anything about how she is either. We've tried. So yeah, it was absolutely sick that she did that to you both, but no one expected it and Jewel managed to deal with it in a surprisingly effective manner, actually. He didn't let her get to him or anyone else.

I know that. It just... I don't know if I can forgive her for that.

I didn't think so, no. I think only Jewel can right now.

...Chaos, is there anything I can do?

You're doing everything you can already. I just need to deal with this myself.

Can't do that, bro. We're all in this together.

...I suppose we are.

Listen, don't let her do this to you. Yeah, it hurts like hell, but if you let it get to you this much it's just going to blind you. All right?

Is that why you aren't tearing up the walls about this?

Basically. I'm furious too-- several of us are-- but if I keep dwelling on a situation that we already solved then I won't make any progress here. Same with you. Focus on what she couldn't do, okay?

She tried.

And she failed, miserably. Listen, let's wait until we hit that actual part of the conversation to finish discussing this. Jewel, what's up next?

Just a mention of how, for a while, I was 'unable to feel emotion.' We all remember that, I'm sure.

Yes.

I'm thinking that tied into my fragment splinter, maybe? That or my ego. Because really, it boiled down to a refusal to accept what I was feeling, so I knew that there was a disconnect but I didn't know what was causing it.

We discussed that in several past entries, Jewel.

Yeah, but were we wrong? We thought it was 'emotional overload,' but geez, lately I have been proving that dead wrong. I can handle a lot. Really, I was letting Julie bother me so badly-- like you're feeling right now, Chaos-- that I was falling so far off-center I couldn't be myself. Thanatos was kicking in like it always does after hacks, and Fragment would show up when it got blinding. It took a lot of talking with you, Laurie, and some major spiritual growth before I had the guts to say "you know what, she isn't me and I'm not responsible for her actions." It took me so long to be able to admit that yes, I had made mistakes in allowing her to manipulate me in the past, but that was the past. I was no longer that person. And now that we understand how the ego was giving Julie far too many ways to get at me, I honestly cannot blame myself in any sense for that. I hadn't known what I do now. I was blinded and lost and sick, and although I am sorry that I allowed her to put me through that, I learned from every one of those losses. Once I accepted that once and for all... which actually might not have truly happened until June 29th... there was nothing blocking my catharsis anymore. I had no reason to hold myself back.

You stopped second-guessing yourself, finally.

Haha, yeah. I bet you're proud of me for that, after yelling at me to do that for years.

Psh, I sure am!

So he's really fixed that emotional block, then?

Yes ma'am.

The blue guy over there was the main reason why that happened, you know.

Well of course. I'm the most genuine when I'm with him, and you.

Plus you absolutely adore him.

I do.

And that's what every single revelation and answer we've found so far narrows down to, after all.

He loves you too, Laurie.

I know. That's my point.

Is that all you needed to do to break the cathartic block? Just... accept that?

Well we had to realize it first. Thank the Rapture that didn't happen!

Yeah, seriously, that was actually a huge help.

I got so paranoid about it maybe happening, that I spent two full weeks doing hardcore spiritual and philosophical research before the 21st hit, and... well, I learned so much that by the time that Saturday rolled around, I had no fear at all. I realized that the fearmongers were wrong, that I was on the right track after all, and that I had nothing to be afraid of.

The Light works in mysterious ways.

Heheh, it sure does. No coincidences in any case.

Also, my therapist.

Dude, yes. He has helped a heck of a lot whether he realizes it or not.

Which is funny, actually, because most of what I've learned from him came about as an aftereffect. When I got my neurology results back in June, he told me that I had the symptoms of PTSD. Now of course that's mostly thanks to Julie, but I didn't mention that. I spent a while thinking about that, though, which opened my eyes to both how my splinters were working behind the scenes and exactly why I had experienced such traumatic things at Julie's hands in the past.

Because of your ego, yet again.

Yeah, but now I at least understood just how far back that went, and exactly what it entailed. So while dealing with that, I was also trying to hold onto every bit of the peace I found in May, but it kept slipping, and that was making me very concerned too. Now this was nearing the end of June, though.

Stuff got crazy around then.

It sure did... I kept finding spiritual verifications, and then I started talking to Melody a lot, and the things she was experiencing in her life were actually starting to line up with mine. Synchronicity, you know. So that helped immensely, and we spent quite some time helping each other with that... and then after we both hit a very rough spot in our lives, we individually decided it was time to take serious action... and she got engaged. That set everything off on my end.

In short, it caused our previous entry.

And that entry caused some incredible progress.

Yeah, Laurie, you really opened my eyes there! I have to thank you for that, again, because without you helping us out I don't think we would have reached the point we did afterwards.

Hey, it's my job. But you are very welcome, Jewel. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Speaking of, uh... July 7th was a week later.

Holy heck, you did. I didn't realize it was that soon!

It was!

What was July 7th?

It was... something really significant happened, to him. Like a beginning of a new life, or a new name. I have jargon for it obvously but it's too complicated to get into now. Suffice to say, it's a total change of heart, that changes the "name" of who you are, AT that heart. But for that to happen, of course, your old self essentially has to 'die' so you can be reborn as someone totally new. The dying up here is symbolic, though. Well, most of the time at least.

It was in this case, thank God. *incidents* are another story.

Geez, yeah, tell me about it. I've been remembering those too, lately. This is definitely a new concept though. Which is... really beautiful to think about. Same core, different application. But, um, we'll get to that. Laurie you take the floor.

Heh, inevitably. Point is, Spine, in this case with Chaos and in all others-- which is news to me, really, I'll be the first to make that jab-- you don't need to die a literal bloody death in order to "start your life over again" for the better. Focusing on the blood tends to shift things towards the nihilistic, y'know? And honestly I'm sick of it. Death isn't as grim a reaper as people think. They're also the doorman to heaven. Besides, death is only a door, as we like to say. It's not the end of life. Key thing, though, is what kind of life you're headed to after that scythe swings. And that's why we're honoring this phenomenon, as we do. Sorry, kid, I'm not just taking the floor I'm stealing the whole freaking building.

No no no, you speak really well about this topic, unsurprisingly. You're tapped in to the heart of it.

Heh. I guess so.Thanks, kid, that means a lot.

I know. That's why I said it.

Yeah, no kidding, you moron. Still, I'm not used to rambling on like this.

It's all right, it is making deep sense. Do not worry.

Yeah, you're... elucidating this shockingly well.

Hey, don't underestimate me, waterboy, you and your frickin' twelve-point Scrabble words.

Look who's talking, and I never said I was. It's just... it means a lot, to hear that you... get it, after all that happened.

We'll get to that. For now let me hand the mic back over to Jewel, because the last thing we need is another frickin' blatherskite in here.

Haha, hey!

Gotta rib on ya sometime, kid. So yeah, bottom line is, death is still an angel. And we're surrounded by those, heh. Pun intended. So we've got potential doorways all over the place. Every day is a new chance at life if you see it as such. All you need is a death in principle. Mind you, it's still serious bloody business. Death can be quiet, but it's still one heck of an earthshaking event. It always is. So for your old self to 'die,' you have to hit a permanent turning point in your personal development, something so key it cannot be reversed. It's a high point that redefines your absolute foundation.

That's a really good way of putting it. Those 'high points' really are revolutionary. Mine was when I finally realized that love was at the heart of everything, on June 26th. That's when the cathartic block went away forever, Jo. Sure, the non-Rapture set the stage for it, but it wasn't until that night in June that I was able to understand everything I had learned during that time, and so much more. After that night I really found the peace I had been looking for.

And that's what happened to me on July 7th.

Yeah. We both understood everything there.

Also Chaos gained creator abilities up here, congratulations.

Wait, what??

Well he did.

I did not know that.

See, this is why I wanted everyone in here to listen! I figured there were some details that never went completely public in the headspace.

I am aware of all the details, child.

No kidding, Sandman, I told you everything.

My point exactly!

How did Chaos get creator abilities, though?

I gave them to him. It's a bit of a long story, too long to reiterate here, but that's basically it.

Link them to the journal, boy.

Haha, okay. For those of you wanting all the details, everything is in here.

So are we all caught up now?

Uh, almost. We still have yesterday to talk about.

Wait, hold up. We also have two monster girls to mention.

Oh man, yeah, we do. Should I bring them in here?

Your call, J.

Well, hm. I don't know. That might be too sudden, as I haven't spoken to either of them in ages. I'll just talk about them for a bit and then we can discuss yesterday, as that's literally the last thing on this list.

We're seriously up to speed for the past few months?

Yeah, we solved practically everything I have listed here, so there wasn't much left to talk about. It's really just the splinters, and everything surrounding them, that's still a concern.

Wow. That's... that's pretty awesome.

You know, I want to talk about you, too.

Me?

Yeah. You and Leon. Not now, but after we cover the next two points. You guys are important and you've been out of the loop for a while.

I told you why that was--

And that's what I want to discuss. But we'll get to that. Jewel, tell us about the ladies you met in May.

Sure thing. Um, on May 16th, I was on a bit of a high from the religious research I had been doing at the time, and was finally overcoming the rather misogynistic prejudices I had developed from Julie. And I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but as a result of that, I ended up browsing this Tumblr blog full of monster girls for the entire evening. Unfortunately I was up too late, and ended up being hacked by Julie around 1AM, due to being too tired to fight her and being too forgiving to realize that she was legitimately hurting me.

How does that work?

Because I was feeling so right for once, but I made the mistake of using that as justification to blind myself to any bad things that were happening. I tried to pretend there was nothing wrong with her using me, although there was. Remember this was still at least four days before I really hit a peaceful state, so I was overcoming the last of that old confusion. Either way, I made that mistake, and when I finally regained conscious awareness and understood that I had been wrong, I almost collapsed into the 'unfeeling' sort of tiredness that happens with early hacks... but then these two monster girls showed up.

Upstairs?

Yeah. There was a brown anthro canine girl, about my size and age, and an insectoid girl who looked partially cybernetic. She was brownish too, but she wasn't anthro and was about twice my size. I thought they were golems that Julie had created to mess with me, so I didn't pay attention to them until they started talking to me, telling me that I shouldn't listen to Julie and that they were there to help.

Were they walk-ins?

I don't know, probably. They resembled the monster girls I had been looking at that day, so maybe they were. Either way, they were surprisingly understanding and patient with me, and managed to calm me down enough to stabilize from the hack. They even went as far as trying to explain just why I was wrong in trying to justify Julie's actions. So of course, at this point I wanted to know who they were and just why they were helping me like this. The dog-girl introduced herself as Menchou, and the insect-girl as Veradenne. They said that they didn't like seeing me be used like this, and they wanted to help, simple as that.

But they didn't say where they came from?

No. I guess I just assumed what you did, Lynne, that they were walk-ins. Either way I didn't see them again until sometime early in June, I think after another hack. But they're unfailingly kind and amiable with me, and I really like them both. I'm going to try to find them again soon, because if they aren't stable up here I don't want them fading or losing easy access to main headspace. Plus it's weird that they only showed up those two times, to help me stabilize after hacks, and in mindspace pockets away from the main area.

They sound nice.

They are. So maybe after this discussion I'll try to bring them here, and introduce them to you guys properly. I mean, help is help, and if they could become members of our crazy camaraderie up here that would be awesome.

They'd probably pack a serious punch against our current problem, too.

Pun intended, Laurie?

Heh, sure.

But yeah, that's that. I haven't mentioned them anywhere online yet, but I'm going to post the two monster girl pictures that resemble them on my private Tumblr soon. That way I'll be reminded of them whenever I log on, too.

Speaking of reminders, it's already 6PM and we need to continue our discussion of last night.

Continue? I thought we kept putting it off?

Jewel and Chaos talked about it a bit in private earlier, during a short time gap right after the monster girl discussion. I'm glad they did, because we apparently missed one major detail about it yesterday.

Where do we start, though?

Start with the splinter thing, that you and I decided on. That's what triggered that whole mess.

Okay. Around midnight last night, I was talking to Laurie as usual before I shut down for the day when I felt that my fragment splinter was bothering me. We fought it off for a while, before it could try to manifest, but then I realized something. Oh, wait, we didn't mention that, did we?

What?

The dream hacks.

Shoot, no, I think we forgot. Explain that.

After our last session, we stopped Julie from directly hacking me, so she started using dreams. However since she still couldn't get at me directly, she started to attack dream individuals and reroute their pain through me. This happened almost every night between June 30th and July 12th, with some nights even having multiple hacks. It got incredibly traumatic, but my boss heard about it almost immediately and started taking drastic action against it. Typical nightmare blocks didn't affect her, and our previous methods of keeping her out weren't working now, as she was using others to get at me. So I don't know what you did, boss.

I tried tracking her down, first, as I cannot ban individuals from dreamscapes. However she became so brazenly cruel that I could no longer deal with her in a passive manner.

Was that when you punched her?

Yes. I would not hesitate to do so again, if she attempts to attack you now.

I don't blame you for hitting her, not after that hack...

You had some awful fallout from that one.

She was doing what she did last night, Laurie! I underestimated how depraved her methods could be. Not anymore.

Was that when she... pretended to be... you know?

Yeah. It was. It absolutely tore my heart out. And then last night happened, and now I've had it. She is done for.

Let's get back to that.

We can't yet. I didn't mention that on the 12th, my fragment splinter actually managed to stop the dream hacks by confronting Julie in its detached manner, which was a horrible gamble but it somehow worked. It... actually let her try to hack me, but as soon as she tried it chased her out and... hacked me itself.

Wait, that's what it did??

Yeah. It hacked me three times, treating the hacks as 'study tools' as it usually does, not understanding the pain and terror it was putting me through. However in 'stealing' Julie's methods, it somehow stopped her from hacking my dreams, and I haven't had one since then.

You've been in horrific bodily pain, though. Also, I am ticked that you didn't tell me that detail about it. You said that it took Julie out of the situation, but--

I know. But I left out the whole truth. I guess I lied to myself about it... I was too scared to really think about it, and that's when I started cleaning out my dA favorites, remember. That caused even more problems but at least it kept my mind off the hacks. By the way that has details in glissando, too. It's nothing we need to discuss right now.

No, we can't do anything about that now. So can we continue with last night?

Yeah. So I said that the same fragment splinter was bothering me, but I realized there was a problem. Fragment has never done that before, and it shouldn't. Its sole forming purpose was to deal with traumatic incidents, although it did so wrongly. That's when I understood why it was bothering me-- it wanted to hack me again, for its insane unfeeling research.

You didn't tell me that either! The heck, Jewel?

I couldn't tell you, or you wouldn't have let me do what I did next. I told Laurie that it was bothering me, sure, but I didn't say how. I simply said that I wanted to try confronting it. I wanted to try and get it to stop using me, to show it that it had no reason to learn Julie's methods. I also tried confronting Thanatos then, but like I said earlier, it wasn't even approachable in a vague sense.

Obviously I had left by this time.

Yeah. You said to call you if anything happened, and I said I would. However I needed to take a risk then, for what I was trying to accomplish. I continued to try and reason with the fragment splinter, explaining that Julie was using me for selfish purposes and that emulating her was only hurting me, but it wasn't listening. I guess I should have expected that, with how it completely shuts out the world when it manifests. Anyway, my plan was working. In getting my fragment splinter focused on that, it caught Julie's attention. And she showed up.

Did she... hack you?

She tried. But that was my plan, which is why I couldn't tell Laurie. I just... didn't expect her to do what she did. I don't know if I want to talk about it, because--

She tried to be me.

...

That bitch.

It was awful, because I knew she was lying to my face, but I had to play along in order to do what I needed to. However I repeatedly asked her to explain herself, but she kept falling back on her usual shallow excuses. No matter how I tried to reason with her she wouldn't talk to me. So I gave up. Still playing along, I asked her if she loved me, but she wouldn't look at me or answer. I told her then that I knew who she really was, and what she was doing, and that she could not fool me or anyone else anymore. That's when I revealed that I had tricked her too-- my fragment splinter had taken the hack instead of me.

How did you pull that off?

The thing takes over my consciousness whenever it shows up. It was pretty easy to give it a temporary headspace form in my place for the time being. Don't worry, I dismantled that afterwards, and since that scenario allowed me to completely explain what Julie was doing, it has no reason to try and use me to 'find out' again. If it tries, well, then we'll take action against it.

Did Thanatos show up?

It tried, but since I hadn't allowed Julie to hack me, I convinced it that it had no reason to show up. So it went away.

Thank God, because we had better things to worry about then.

Yeah, I called you back in, and I think a few of you showed up too?

I did, but you didn't explain the situation then.

I showed up really late...

Which is why you're here now. Still, we're skipping the most important part of this topic, and that is what Julie was trying to pull with what she did.

She hasn't pretended to be someone else in over a year, since I quickly learned to see through her lies. However, when the dream hacks restarted this month, she got me twice by that method, and since I can't fight her in dreams she got away with it. But it was horrible, because her doing that was not solely to get what she wanted through me-- it was to get revenge on me for stopping her, and to try and undermine what I felt for the people she was pretending to be.

She took that even further yesterday, though, because you were conscious when she tried it.

It was because of the 29th. She was trying to undermine that.

She can't. It's impossible.

But the fact that she tried, that she had the nerve to disguise as me in face alone and use you like that is beyond forgiveness.

Jewel, elaborate on her motives, though. You had some seriously important insight into that.

I did, yeah. Um... she tried to justify herself with the same reasons I get from everyone else when that subject is concerned. You know, "it feels good," "it's fun," stupid things like that. My teachers, parents and therapists all said that too, but hearing it from her, and my actually having the guts to ask her to explain that made me realize the truth of it. It's inherently selfish. There is nothing loving about it by its very definition. And that's why she lives on it. See, I asked her why, if I loved someone, I would choose to do that with them? She used the 'physical connection' nonsense there, and I interrupted her by saying that no, there was no connection and I could see that now. It was a selfish act for selfish reasons. If the physical sensation was not there for her, she wouldn't do it because she would get nothing from it! So I shot down all her arguments, berated her for even trying to sabotage my relationships, and then told her to get the heck out of my head. So she left and my splinters left and that's when I called Laurie in.

And I called Chaos in, and he had an immediate emotional meltdown.

Did you seriously expect anything else from me at that point?

No. It just hurt, like you said.

I think the most damaging part was that she was effectively trying to derail what we had accomplished on the 29th. We took her power away from her and then got rid of it ourselves. So she was ticked, and decided that if she was going to get revenge on me, that was the cruelest way to do it.

Also because she was trying to see if she could confuse you, remember?

Oh, dude, yeah, I forgot to mention that! She used to confuse me by doing that when I was younger and didn't know better, but now that I did, she had the nerve to gamble with it by trying to desecrate what we had purified all over again. I was too smart for her though.

Thank God, seriously.

I also want to mention the physical connection thing, and why she was wrong. I actually realized that when talking to my therapist that morning, so I'm glad I had that knowledge to fall back on. See, I don't experience sexual attraction whatsoever, but I have no problem with being very close to people physically, in either a platonic or more intimate sense. But it is never sexual, and that's what Julie was trying to twist. The real 'physical connection' is in trusting someone enough to let them get close to you, which is what I would focus on when I was younger. I never realized that Julie was abusing that. I was too confused by the fact that it still involved physical closeness to understand that I was being lied to. Sexuality is superfluous in that sense. It is not needed for any sort of connection. Its sole purpose is for reproduction, and in that sense it can be used positively, don't get me wrong... but people like Julie get so obsessed with the selfish aspects of it that they try to use those as justification for abusing it, and others if that's the case. It is with her. So I finally understand that, and now I'm no longer confused on any level concerning that topic.

I think you effectively purified your color in doing that, too.

Yeah! Like I said, it kept getting associated with Julie's vices, but then I realized that didn't make much sense, because physicality in and of itself isn't bad. So I stopped feeling guilty about wanting to be close to people all the time, because that has nothing to do with her after all. She was just lying to me the whole time.

I get it.

Chaos, do you have anything to add to this? Because I still feel horrible about what she did, and I don't want to leave you out of this discussion in any case.

No, I'm just so thankful you weren't damaged from that.

Well I was just as badly hurt emotionally as you were, but...

I mean you didn't let her blind you to the truth. I... that has happened before.

That one Sunday evening in January, right?

...Yeah.

That won't ever happen again, Chaos. I swear to you.

I know it won't. I just doubt I'll ever be able to forget how terrifying that was, for both of us.

...

Laurie, are we done discussing this?

I guess so. Jewel?

Yeah, I think we covered as much as we could, except--

We'll get to that.

I thought you said you were trying to open up, Laurie?

I am. I just... don't know if I want to discuss that openly yet.

Hey, you have to start somewhere.

Fine. Jo, let me yell at you first.

Why are you yelling at me now?

Because you're never around. I know you and Leon have been focusing on keeping guard, and I do seriously appreciate that. But the fact of the matter is that you don't know what's going on here while you're out there. You don't have the whole picture.

I told you, I'm going to try to associate with you more. We all are.

Good. We are far too bloody disconnected, and it's keeping us from accomplishing things on a larger scale. We need to keep up the communication or there will be a heavy price to pay, believe me.

Should we just check in with you?

Me or Jewel, yeah. The same thing goes for you, Lynne. I know you're busy watching over Spine and that monster kid, but I'm concerned about them too and the lack of info is starting to get at my nerves.

I apologize for that, Laurie, but we have been busy. You haven't had the time to talk to us yourself lately, remember.

I'm not denying that. Life's been insane lately. My point is that, now that things have settled down and we know what the heck we're doing, we all need to keep it together. Genesis, you too. You need to stick around us three more often, all right?

I don't want to get in your way though.

You won't get in anyone's way, love. I miss having you around.

Yeah, for all we know you could be exactly what we need right now.

Okay, I'll try.

Good. Chaos, if he's not around you go get him.

Hah, if you say so.

Really, I think you're the only person I can't yell at, Sandman.

I am quite flattered.

I'm serious. You've been keeping tabs on everything that's been going on here lately.

Because I am deeply concerned. Jewel is my apprentice, after all. His well-being is near the top of my list of priorities, and that is quite an extensive list.

Well, it's at the very top of mine, so there you go. And Jo, you're practically my apprentice, so stick around for employment's sake. Just because you're the id reaper doesn't mean you have to live in the shadows all the time.

I know, I know.

Last comment. Leon, I must applaud you for overcoming your paranoia. Good job.

Thanks. It was really difficult, actually, but Josephina has been helping me.

So you'd better thank me, Laurie.

Fine, consider yourself thanked. I sure wouldn't have been able to accomplish that.

Laurie, you haven't yelled at me either.

Well what do you know, you're right. And you need to check in with us more often too. You're linked to Jewel's well-being whether you like it or not. Heck, with the allergic reactions he's been having I was freaking out because I hadn't heard a word from you about a single one!

Because I was very sick.

She was. I'm sorry I didn't check in with you, Laurie, but I had my hands full with caring for her and you were probably doing the same for Jewel.

Eh, point taken.

So, everyone just talk to each other more and Laurie won't have to butcher us?

Exactly. You always did learn fast, Jo.

Ha ha.

Is that it for today?

No, we promised Laurie we were discussing her fangirling today too.

Oh come on, Chaos.

A promise is a promise, and besides, it's about time we bugged you for once.

Fine.

July 8th, too. Remember we were talking to you.

Wait, we're discussing that?

Yes.

Oh come on!

Laurie, why are you so afraid of talking about that with the rest of us here?

Because... it's kind of personal. I'm not used to talking about personal things with anyone but those two.

Like I said, you need to start somewhere.

All right, all right. Geez.

Go on, then.

Give me a place to start.

I've got one. Why do you 'fangirl' over those two so much?

I... they mean a lot to me, okay? Both of them do. But up until... geez, was it February?

January.

Geez, that's earlier than I thought. Anyway, until January of this year, I wasn't aware of just what those two had. Yeah, I knew they were in love, but I didn't know what that meant until I saw it. And, well, I've never seen anything like that before. Ever.

So... you're into romance?

Heck, no. I'm just floored by the fact that something like that can exist between two people. I mean, for the love of sanity, have you seen those two?

Yes.

I do believe it's impossible not to, Laurie.

Fine, so you get what I mean.

But why is only Laurie the fangirl?

I told you, because they both mean the world to me.

I'm still not sure if I get it.

Should we bring up July 8th?

Jewel, seriously.

I think you should. Do you want me to quote what I have?

No, I'll just... I'll explain that. Look, all of us up here have jobs. We all have our own responsibilities in keeping this headspace safe and making sure nothing tries to kill Jewel, as he's the base consciousness. But... it goes beyond that for me. I'm the superego up here. My sole reason for even existing is to fight that bloody id, and to keep her the heck away from Jewel.

How does that apply to our topic though?

Because it narrows down. Jewel is my reason for existing. And by extension of what he means to him, Chaos gets the same amount of loyalty from me. So here's the single person I'd give my life for, and he's in love with this guy who in turn becomes someone I'll protect at any cost. It adds up. I'm their psycho guardian angel, remember? I have to protect that, what they have, and I wouldn't ever dream of shirking that responsibility.

I guess that makes sense, yeah.

Come on, Leon. Do you want a scientific analysis? I can't spell that out any further.

No, I get it! I'm just not in your position, so I can't understand it all the way, I guess.

Fair enough. Now are we done? Can we empty this place out?

I suppose. I don't have anything else to contribute.

Oh, Jewel, I should mention that your little monster is doing very well.

Is he? Thank God. I haven't seen him in a while.

I know. I feel bad for not letting him out of my sight even to let him be with you, but with the hack risks you've been facing lately, I didn't want to put him in danger.

That's okay. As long as he's safe. I remember what happened the last time he was out...

Mm-hmm. But you're entirely welcome to come see him.

Where is he now, by the way? We're all in here talking.

I have some J-Monsters watching over him. That is his timeline, after all.

Who'd you get? The Guardians?

That one with the funny head, that you like.

Who, Nebsy? Seriously?

Does he have white eyes?

Yes, that's him. Dude. I am totally going to visit him later. I've been out of the loop with the Dream World lately, now that you mention it...

Because of everything that's been going on up here. I'm sure they understand, Jewel.

Yeah, but I feel bad about it either way.

Also Delphi.

What about the phone goat?

You've been working with him lately too. And me.

True... I don't know, I just need to get over my guilt about work. I can only work with one timeline at a time, and Parnassus has understandably been at the top of my list lately.

So explain that to... I'm sorry, what's his name? Nebs?

Nebisai. He's awesome. But yeah, I'll let him know, I suppose. Just for the sake of an explanation.

Okay, now we're just talking. Seriously, it's getting late. If no one else has any serious topics, can we please close up?

There's no need to get all agitated over it, Laurie.

I've been very agitated lately. It's nothing.

Well, I'm done talking, and Josephina said he was fine... Leon, do you have any comments?

No, I'm fine.

I am fine too. I will make sure to talk to you more.

Thanks.

Boss?

If you do not need me around, I can depart.

No, we're good. Just want to say thanks again for all your help.

You are quite welcome. Thank you for allowing me to help. And Jewel, child?

Yes?

Please make an effort to get to work on time tonight.

Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'll be there as soon as possible.

Don't worry, I'm not upset with you. Only concerned.

Yeah, with good reason.

Okay. Thanks, boss. I'll see you around.

Laurie, you're sure you're okay?

Yeah, everything's fine. You just keep an eye on everyone until I'm finished here.

I had a feeling you were staying late. Are you really that nervous about talking to the rest of us about certain things?

...Kind of. Not you, specifically. You're okay.

Probably because I know you better than the other three of us do.

That's the thing. I guess I have trust issues.

Why? There's no reason why you shouldn't trust us.

I'm just paranoid. It's... it's a long story, Lynne. I'll fill you in later.

You promise?

Promise. I'm sick of being bottled up all the time.

I would be too, Laurie. I'll leave you four alone then.

Four?

Um, I'm still here.

You did ask him to stick around.

I know, but...

Do you want me to leave?

She probably does, but only because you haven't been around the past few times she's spoken to Chaos and I.

But we were supposed to change that?

Listen, Genesis, we'll start tomorrow. Right now I need to talk alone. It's nothing against you.

Okay, but tell me about it later, please?

...

I'll fill you in in whatever I can, love. So, uh, could you actually go see how Nebisai is doing in the meantime? Fill him in on what we've been talking about here if he's interested. Heaven knows I could use some better solidarity with that man.

All right. You'll talk to me right after you're done here?

If Laurie says I can, yeah.

I'll talk to him.

Really?

Yeah. You and me, actually. I guess. I just... don't want to discuss that all at once, right now.

So it'll be easier for you later, once you know what you want to say.

You got it.

Okay, that's fine with me. Sorry for causing any trouble.

No trouble at all, Genesis.

Hey, I love you. See you in a bit.

Love you too! Bye!

...

Well.

What?

That was strangely diffident of you.

I told you I'm not ready to open up to people yet. It's not easy.

No, it's not that. You're really worked up about it.

Because it's setting all my nerves on edge! You heard me talking to Lynne, I don't know them anywhere near as well as I know you two. I've said that many times before. So yeah, I'm going to get worked up about having to discuss this sort of thing with them on such short notice!

Why is it such a touchy topic, though?

Because I love you two, you know that.

That's nothing to get all agitated over though.

You haven't lived my life, Chaos. I haven't been able to open up to anyone, ever, even you two, because that would pose such a risk to Jewel's safety. Once again, we discussed this.

I know that. It's not what I meant.

Then what the heck are you insinuating?

Nothing. I'm just wondering why you won't even try to be more open with them--

I can't. I just said that.

You said you were going to try, though.

With you. With the both of you, not with them. It's not easy for me to get close to people, okay? Yeah, it would help if I wasn't so bloody secretive and distant with everyone, but it's how I am. The only reason I can be so honest with you two is because I had to get close to you even when I hated you, Jewel, because protecting you was my job whether I liked it or not... and eventually I learned that I had things backwards, and you grew on me, I guess.

So you're choosing not to get close to the other headvoices.

Right now, yeah. They're not around, I'm busy with the both of you, and like I said, I'm not very good at the whole social thing.

You seem fine when business is involved. I mean, look at you and the Sandman. You're getting along pretty darn well.

Because he cares about Jewel almost as much as I do.

Wait, are you saying I'm the deciding factor for your trust here?

Maybe. And what if you were? What would that matter?

Because the other headvoices here do care about him, you know--

But they're so bloody distant, Chaos! Every last one of them either works behind the scenes or as a casual assistant when things get bad. No one gets close, because they don't need to.

Would you have tried to know Jewel better if you hadn't been forced to in the first place?

...I don't know. That's not something I can even comprehend. That was my purpose, CZ.

I'm just trying to get you to understand how it probably works for everyone else. Maybe they don't feel compelled to get as involved as you are. That doesn't mean they don't care.

Maybe if we start communicating more, like Laurie said, that will change. We don't typically work together and that is a problem.

I hope it changes. It would help me to stop being so freaking paranoid.

Paranoid about Julie?

No, about talking to people who don't bloody understand the gravity of what I'm telling them. Why the heck did you think I snapped at Leon? "I guess that makes sense!" Come on, he might be trying but he's not going to comprehend it unless he's felt something like this and he hasn't. It ticks me off.

I don't think it's anger you're feeling the most right now, Laurie.

...How the heck would you know.

We know you pretty well by now, Laurie. Just like you know us.

...

You never did bring up June 8th, I noticed.

Of course I didn't. They wouldn't understand a word of that.

What about last night?

...No, I'm not discussing anything like that with them.

Ever?

Ever.

That's a little... severe, isn't it?

Quite the opposite. Look at it this way. Say I did open up to the other headvoices, told them everything I could. Even then, I still would not discuss that sort of thing with them. Do you know why?

No, why?

Because they have never, and will never, experience the sort of things we three have been through. The old hacks, the graves, the suicide attempts. Staying up too bloody late because everything felt so bloody hopeless but we still couldn't give up on each other. July 8th. That sort of thing. We've suffered through hell together and I don't care how much I talk about it, you cannot understand that unless you have lived it. And we did, God help us, we lived through more of that than we could handle sometimes.

...

Why did you want to stay and talk to us, Laurie? Was it just to explain this?

No, Chaos put me up to this. I stayed because we didn't finish discussing last night, and you know it.

...Oh.

That's exactly why I kept asking you about being more open.

And I repeat, that only applies to you two. I just told you why.

I know that now, yeah.

So... you're really going to be more... I don't know, what word am I looking for?

It's less. I'll be less secretive and less of a bloody enigma all the time.

And a heck of a lot more expressive, I think.

Hey, you shut up.

Geez, Laurie, I have every right to talk!

You were sobbing your eyes out and that was only going to get worse. If I didn't talk to you, Jewel would have sooner or later.

Laurie, you won't even sit next to me in these conversations. Yesterday your personal space just went out the window.

We were all pretty shaken up, Chaos. And the only reason I've kept to myself all these years is because of how scared I've been. I'm getting over that.

Scared of what, though?

Of letting my actions being possibly manipulated by the same shadow that hurt you so badly last night.

...

Seriously, Chaos. Up to this point I have had no reason to feel any less terrified. She was still able to hurt you both, badly, and the thought that she could potentially use me to accomplish that was unbearable. But last night, Jewel somehow threw her methods back in her face and told her off about it. That has never happened before, in any sense.

Because I understand everything now. I know what I'm dealing with, I know what her motives are, and I know what the truth is. I'm not scared and I'm not going to let her get away with anything anymore.

That's what I mean. If you're not scared, why the heck should I be scared? If she can barely even get near you anymore, why should I be worried about her coming after me? Come on, she is scared to death of me and we all know it!

But you were still afraid of her pretending to be you.

And she did try that once, remember? It failed, you knew what she was doing, and I cut her to bloody pieces as soon as I heard.

You were still scared though.

For your sake. I knew how badly that hurt you. I still can't stand the thought of her using me against you.

She can't now, though.

Exactly.

Which is why I was the one staring in absolute shock last night instead of you.

Hey, I don't stare at you two in shock, that's admiration.

Well for me it was shock. Seriously Laurie, wow.

What? So I was more affectionate than usual. Big deal.

It was a big deal. For me, at least.

That's kind of why I did it, kid. I figured you needed it.

Laurie, for the next fifteen minutes I swear he was on cloud nine.

Yeah, and?

Usually I am the only person who can do that to him. So yeah, it was a shock.

I love you both, though. You know that.

Different levels though.

Could've fooled me, with how he acts whenever you're around.

And you're honestly surprised by that?

You're not?

Not at all. I know how Jewel works. I know him almost as well as you do. When he loves someone, regardless of what level they're on, it can get pretty intense.

Yeah, but I think you're underestimating just what level you're on.

Why? Do you know something I don't?

All I know is that if you and I are really at equal standing in Jewel's eyes, then I've definitely been underestimating just what you mean to him.

You are at equal standing. I can't imagine my life without either of you, at all. You both mean the world to me.

I know. You tell me that all the time.

But you've never reacted to her like you did last night, Jewel. That was insane and you know it.

Because she's never done that before! Laurie, you know that, you've never gotten that close to me, ever. And that really meant a lot to me.

Why are we still debating this, though?

I'm trying to figure out just what happened there. Yeah, Laurie, you're being more open around him but I honestly don't know how to judge how he reacted to that, and why you don't seem to be concerned about it.

All right, how did he react to that? Besides being on cloud nine, apparently?

Laurie, he didn't even know how to explain how he felt about that, to me.

Well we are at equal standing, sharkboy. You're freaking out too much about this.

I'm not freaking out. I'm just honestly in shock.

I'm not surprised. Now are you done? Because I'll probably pull that stunt again tonight, and I'll make sure to watch your reaction this time.

It was a red-level connection.

What?

Physical level. You don't ever get close to me or anyone else, Laurie. I'm always close to Chaos, and we've got like violet-level links already.

No kidding.

Really, we're heading to ultraviolet at this point. But that's because we hold nothing back. I love him that much. I would, and will, give him everything I possibly can, because he is just that important to me. I adore him, like you said. No one in the world makes me feel the way he does.

Except maybe Laurie.

That's a different category.

All right, now I am definitely missing something here.

I told you, it's because you've been so closed off all the time. I've known you for five years, and although you mean just as much to me as Chaos does, I've never been able to do anything but talk to you. And of course we weren't even friends at first. We had a pretty rocky start there. But, over the past three years, we've really become inseparable. And since... last November, I guess, you've suddenly started making more progress than I ever could have imagined.

We all have.

Yeah, but in light of your past, it was pretty surprising. Positively so, but still.

...Jewel, do you even know why I hated you in the beginning?

I'm not sure. Remind me.

Because I had a job to do. I had to stop Julie, and I had to protect you as the central consciousness. But in my eyes, you were letting her get away with what she did. You looked like you weren't fighting her at all. And I hated you for it. I berated you constantly, always telling you how much of a failure you supposedly were, because all I could see were your mistakes and shortcomings. I didn't know you. Then... you had the guts to talk to me. You pulled me aside and said you wanted to set the record straight. If I really am such a failure, you said, and if you're so mad at me for it, you'll help me to change. And I began to realize that you were never a failure in the first place. You were a stronger person than I ever would have guessed. I stopped hating you pretty fast.

...

I care about you a heck of a lot. Chaos may be your number one guy, but you're that to me. Honestly. I don't care if we're on different "levels," or however you put it. You're all I have.

See, this is what I mean.

What? I'm not trying to steal your man, CZ.

I know that, geez Laurie.

Hahaha.

Hey, he'd share anyway.

That's what I'm getting at. You know how Jewel is talking about connection colors and all that?

Yeah.

Let me finish talking about that, actually. I was saying how I've never really been close to you, Laurie, not really. We hang around and talk but that's it. And it's only been over the past few months that you've actually started showing that you care about me in ways other than words, which were still always indirect. I mean, you hugged me once back in 2008, when we thought I would lose you, and I couldn't believe it had even happened. Now you're doing that every few days.

I told you, I was sick of keeping to myself.

But just how long have you been bottling everything up?

...A long time.

That probably hurts a lot.

It does. It's... why last year was so hard for me.

Especially the summer?

Yeah.

Don't forget that therapy appointment back in his college freshman year.

I can't forget that, no. That... that was when I first realized you weren't a problem. Everyone told me you were. But then I thought about it, and even though you were still so cruel to me back then, I couldn't possibly lose you.

That was late 2008, too. I guess you both started being more honest with each other around then.

Well, yeah. It's when we realized exactly what was going on.

But Laurie still kept quiet.

Can we not discuss that again? I told you why that was.

You're missing the point, Laur. You cared about Jewel, and he cared about you, but there was always a huge disconnect between you both. It's why it took me so long to accept that you weren't a negative force in his life, too. But... geez, I've known him for eight years, and I've always been completely open with him. You've only been outwardly nice to him for about three years, you've been almost entirely closed off to him, and yet we are STILL the two most important people in his life. We mean exactly the same amount to him. How the heck did you manage that?

...I... I don't know.

And I was in complete shock last night because, like Jewel said, that was practically the first time you actually held him for more than two seconds. I could actually tell that he meant something to you instead of going by hearsay. And then, to top it all off, Jewel was so affected by it that he could barely talk for the next ten minutes! Do you see why I'm having a hard time dealing with this? If you and I really are at the same level, and I mean as much as I do to him, just how does that translate over to how he feels about you?

...

I think you know. I don't, but I think you do. And I think that's the real reason why you won't talk about this with anyone but us.

Well it is. They don't know what this is like.

But you love him back.

I do.

And he loves you. He loves you a lot, Laurie.

I know.

Do you really?

...

Did you see how he looked at you when you left?

...No.

Well, make sure you check next time.

...Are you implying that Jewel is in love with me?

I don't know.

Platonically.

Kid, I don't know what your definition of platonic is in this situation.

It means without all the late-night stuff I have with Chaos.

Only that?

Only that. Otherwise it's exactly the same. I told you.

...

Laurie?

...I didn't think it was exact. Not like that.

I guess it is.

Just... holy swords. I just thought... I thought it was only in terms of significance, not in how you actually felt.

It is, but yeah, I suppose I should have clarified the other half of it.

You should have, I wouldn't have been so astounded yesterday.

...I don't know how to reciprocate this.

You don't have to. I'm used to that. It doesn't change anything.

No, kid, it's not unrequited, I'm just... 

I told you this ran deeper than you realized, Laurie.

...I've been so blind.

Why?

For heaven's sake, Jewel, I tried to kill myself right in front of you last year! I had a psychotic meltdown in Utah and nearly traumatized you! I only had the spine to lighten up after I put you through hell, and God, you didn't even hold it against me. You've never held anything against me, and I hated you. I hated you, and somehow you still managed to love me? I... kid, I can't take this. I can't believe I never saw it.

...

We can talk about this some other time if you want. I don't want to put you through--

No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

You don't look fine, Laurie.

Of course I don't look fine, I think my bleeding heart just broke.

...

I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry for everything I've done to you.

Laurie, it's okay. You did what you had to do.

I could have found a better way to do it! I didn't have to butcher you every single time you let yourself get hurt! I never thought of how that affected you. I was so bloody stupid.

You weren't stupid. You were desperate. Things were different back then.

Last summer doesn't count. I didn't hate you last summer. But I still hurt you. Badly. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that now.

I forgive you.

...I know. I know, Jewel.

Laurie, um, can I ask you something?

What?

Does... does this tie into the 'fangirling?' Any of this?

...Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Why?

Because.

Laurie, come on.

...Do you remember what I said earlier? How I didn't think something like what you two have could exist? I could barely comprehend it. I had never seen anything like that in my life. I wanted to protect that, to protect the both of you, and I was... I was just so amazed by it.

But on July 8th, you told us that you didn't think you had the right to be our protector. Why?

Because I didn't feel I deserved it! Look at you two, and look at me! My life is a mess! I've screwed up my only reason for living and I've been too much of a spineless coward to tell people when I care about them. I would cut you to ribbons and scream at you for hours instead of actually helping you. And yet, I was the person charged with keeping you both safe.

You didn't screw up, Laurie. And you did help me.

...

I couldn't have asked for a better superego, or protector, or friend. Even with the times you think you screwed up. You've helped me so much... I would not be where I am today if I didn't have you. So yes, you do deserve such a prestigious position, because you are just that important to me, and because you are a much better person than you think you are.

...Jewel, I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that you care about me that much.

I don't just care about you, Laurie. I love you. I really do.

...I'm sorry, I am honestly going to have to close this up.

Why?

I can't deal with this, Chaos.

Laurie, what's making it so hard to deal with? You've known how much you mean to Jewel for a long time, haven't you?

I thought I knew! But he just proved me wrong. I always assumed I was just someone he cared about from a distance. I was important to him because heck, I was trying to help him and I guess I wasn't a total screwup there. That was it. Not once in my life did I ever consider that, when he said you and I meant the same to him, he meant that literally. I thought... I just thought it was in terms of significance. I helped him, I was important as a result. But it was my job. It was something I was meant to do. I never gave it much thought beyond that.

I find that hard to believe.

It's true. I wouldn't change my purpose for anything. And Jewel means more to me than anyone in the world. But... I was so closed off, from everything, that I couldn't see the big picture. I knew he cared, and I knew I was important to him, but... to think that I had the same thing I saw on January 16th, this whole time. The same bloody thing. And I couldn't see it because I wouldn't let myself see it. At the end of the day, I was just doing my job. But my job was my life. I... I don't know what I'm trying to say.

It's okay, Laurie. I get it.

Can we please close this up?

Seriously?

Either that or I'm leaving.

I thought you wanted to find your metainomen too.

What, does this count as dying?

To your old mindset, sure.

...

I don't want you hurting from this, Laur.

I'm only hurting because I was so blind before.

To what, me?

Yeah. And to me, I guess.

Because of the blinding thing?

Mostly. Maybe entirely. I just can't... I can't balance how you actually feel about me with how I treated you in the past. It doesn't add up.

Why not?

Jewel, I was brutal.

But I knew you still cared about me.

I did a lousy job of showing it.

Laurie, listen. I don't mind your yelling, or how angry you get, or even how you used to use your axe a little more than most people would like. You were brutal, sure, but you were brutally honest too, and it was only because of your unflinching determination to change me from who I was that helped me actually become my real self.

You're serious?

Of course I'm serious! I wouldn't lie to you!

You used to.

I... well, I am no longer that person. Once again, that is very much thanks to you. So no, I will not lie to you. You have always been exactly what I needed in my life, your darkest days included. So don't you dare hold that against yourself. You're not a failure, and you never were.

...

Don't you dare change for me. Ever. Stay who you are, because your constancy has been one of my biggest inspirations.

You don't know who I am, Jewel. No one does.

Then tell me. Stop hiding. I know you're not wearing a mask like I used to, and you never have, but if there really is that much under the surface, then stop holding it back. Neither of us have to be afraid anymore, okay?

I know.

Remember what you've always told me, Laurie. Don't dwell on the past, but learn from it. Don't let yourself be blinded by regrets, because what's done is done and everything eventually works out for the best. And don't panic about the future because it's not here yet, and hey, time isn't linear anyway.

Heh, no, I guess not.

But seriously. The past is over with, and it was painful, but you helped me survive it. I hope I helped you survive it too. And I don't want you to hate yourself for your past actions. Everything worked out. I wouldn't change a single thing. All right?

All right.

So are you feeling any better about this? I don't want you to be so torn up, honestly.

I still don't know how I never understood just how important I really was to you.

You never slacked off on your job, did you? You never let me slack off either. You knew how important your role was in my life, even if you only viewed that as because, without you, I'd probably screw up big time. Which is true.

But I didn't see past that. Even with how many times you told me that you cared. I guess I never thought I deserved it.

Well you do. So please accept that. I'm not going to stop caring about you, ever.

I know that. I wouldn't doubt it for a second.

So I'll ask you again, Laurie. Are you okay?

Kid, of course I'm okay, I'm just completely... overwhelmed, I guess.

I understand.

So what are you, Laurie, the Knight of Truth?

I don't know, Prophet of Life. I guess we'll find out.

I'm sorry if I'm dragging this out too long. I just don't want you to be upset or not accepting of this.

No, I accept it. I do. I just... don't know how to reciprocate, like I said.

What do you mean?

Yeah, you're doing just fine in my opinion.

Maybe she's trying too hard.

Maybe you are! It's difficult to get over being so closed up for so long, I know, but you really are doing just fine.

If you insist.

I do insist. And thank you, by the way. For everything.

Heh, I don't need to be thanked, Jewel.

Maybe not, but you deserve to be thanked nonetheless.

Works for me.

Tomorrow is going to be insane.

Why?

Because now I have no choice but to stop being so closed off from you two.

You're off to a good start, I'll say that much.

Good to know.

Uh, Laurie?

Yeah?

What do we tell Genesis?

Oh heck, I forgot he wanted to know about this... you know what, I'll fill him in myself. It'll be fun. You two get some sleep.

We'd better close up now, then. It's almost midnight.

Totally worth it, though.

You said it.

One question.

What?

How the heck are we supposed to close this up?

Uh, I have no idea.

Well, we're completely open for the next session now. There are no topics to catch up on. Whatever happens next will be a complete surprise. Which is pretty cool.

That is. And life has been going incredibly well lately.

It has! Oh, about that. Guess who I found on Facebook today, after how many years?

Who?

Billy.

No flipping WAY.

Yes way. So I'm hopefully going to talk to him tomorrow about what in the world he's been up to since, geez, around 2003.

That's awesome.

I know. Just figured I'd make this session a little brighter than it already is.

Man, we're going to need sunglasses to read this thing by the time we're finished.

That reminds me of a certain Sonic Chat session from five years ago...

Was that the one with you two making out by the fireplace?

And the champagne, and the police, and the terrible puns, and Mardi Gras. Yes, that's the one.

That was hilarious.

I know, I miss those things.

We do need to close up, though. Otherwise we're going to keep ranting about random things until Jewel passes out at his keyboard.

Yeah, I'd like to avoid that happening.

All right, then we're done. You two, keep doing what you're doing. I'll talk to your boss and explain why you're going to be so ludicrously late.

Oh geez, I forgot...

Don't worry about it. The guy is surprisingly understanding.

All right. Oh, and Laurie?

Yeah?

Thank you. I know I keep saying it, but seriously, thank you.

Same here. Thanks, Laur.

Geez, I feel like a national hero all of a sudden.

Well you should. You're irreplaceable and that's the absolute truth.

Look who's talking, guys.

Nice comeback.

Thanks.

Aha, Laurie is the master at this.

I am.

But really, I'm closing this up now. Chaos, Laurie, I love you both.

We love you too, Jewel.

Emphasis on "we," kiddo. We're seriously all in this together now.

We kind of always were, actually.

Nah, I was the odd one out. But a metainomen is a metainomen. I plan on putting mine to good use.

I told you tomorrow is going to be insane.

Not if we don't close this up.

Fine. I swear, I'm always the one stuck doing the hard work around here.

We love you for it though.

Believe me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

 

072211

You know, I keep thinking about the people that I love but who don't love me back. The distant ones, the ones who never knew me.
I never demanded reciprocation, I could never. I only expressed my love and hoped it would brighten their lives.
But... with how my own life is going at this point, with how incredible things are... I wish, more than anything, that I could somehow share that with them.
I want to help them feel this, too. I don't care if I don't get any credit, or anything like that. I just want to see them as joyful as I am now, with peace in their lives, hopeful and excited for the future.
I love so many people, in so many different ways, and I want all of them to feel that love for their own sake. I want them to know how it feels, to have all of this light and joy in my heart. I can't possibly keep it to myself.

...I wonder what her life is like, right now. I wonder if she's happy. I hope so. I look at her work and I honestly want to cry with how she inspires me. I want to tell her, again and again, what a light she has been in my life. She has changed me for the better.

"I'm kind of in a slump, but I appreciate your words, trust me!"

If that was the only chance I will ever get, so be it. I will never regret it.
Knowing that my words could help you, if only in a little way, made me happier than I can even express.
I still love you. I always will. If you ever need me, I'll be here.
I just wish I could share this with you.