071911

She is using my splinters to get at me.

She is using the SPLINTERS.

I am furious. I am legitimately furious, and I'm legitimately terrified as well.
I was hacked last night by THREE PEOPLE AT ONCE because they are working together for the love of sanity and it all happens so blasphemously fast, that if I can fight two of them off-- which I did!!-- the other one can still snipe me!!

Oh it was awful. And I know exactly how and why this is happening, which makes it worse. How did I not see what a threat this was?!

Thats it. That is IT.
I don't know what I need to do about this, and I don't know how badly I will have to suffer... but so help me, I can't let this continue.

There will be a Xanga session on Thursday about this, mark my words.

I refuse to let this continue.

 

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(later, discussing this topic with someone online)



And... well, let me give you a short definition.
Back on May 5th (which is discussed here), I discovered that thanks to all my mask-wearing and destructive coping methods in the past, I had developed at least three "splinter" personalities.
These are not real individuals, instead being almost 'reflections' of me, but in an incomplete and very specific way.
The first one, we call 'Thanatos.' It is, effectively, my old death drive. It becomes conscious when I am under high stress, almost always becoming conscious after hacks. It exists solely to destroy me, is highly abusive, and is unable to interact with anyone. In short, when it comes out all it wants to do is kill me and everything else it views as a 'problem.' This was originally a positive drive, in getting rid of my bad qualities, but it became so insanely corrupted that it broke off from me entirely.
The second one we call 'Fragment.' This one is weird because it seems to be a corrupted version of my old 'disconnection' tendencies. It only becomes conscious in trauma or meltdowns, and it is scary. It is unhinged and emotionless, completely silent, and unsettlingly methodical. It used to be okay for me to deal with, as it's sole goal seems to be to simply 'exist,' but in doing so it ignores everything but itself. It also has a strange need to learn the mechanics of all things, which ties into Thanatos' destruction drive in that it will take things apart completely just to look at their insides. It just doesn't recognize death or pain, or that those things can be 'bad.'
The third one is my 'ego.' She's the hyperactive, maniacally energetic one... I don't want to talk about her yet.
My visit to the psych ward played a huge part in strengthening (and essentially materializing) all three of them. The only good part of that is the fact that they are no longer part of me, not inherently.

Now for the hacks. We didn't think they could be used to hack me until two nights ago. Sure, we suspected it last Tuesday when Fragment tried to 'take over' a hack in order to 'neutralize it,' but we didn't want to jump to conclusions as my own consciousness had been compromised at that time.
But on Monday night, my fragment splinter, being as neutral and unfeeling as it is, let Julie coerce it into using me as an 'object' to manipulate. She attacked me first, and I caught her and chased her out, but she had used HERSELF as a distraction to trigger Fragment. Ultimately I was hacked through that-- and it was BAD, which scared me. Then Thanatos kicked in immediately after to try and make things worse but Laurie showed up and emptied the place in an instant.
And of course my ego splinter is always hovering around Julie, grinning at me. Honestly she scares me more than anyone right now.

So yeah, that's actually the quick version. I hope it's understandable.
Our biggest problem right now is trying to figure out how to stop them. We don't know if splinters can be killed, as they can't be put back, and Laurie is forbidding me from trying to 'convert' them because she says that's impossible (as they are singular personifications, not individuals like her).

That's all we know at the moment, but we'll be discussing it on Xanga tomorrow with the other headvoices up here.