the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

 

It is really frightening, how much of my life has crumbled into dust around me.
I had to stop reviewing the archives today because honestly, I was getting absolutely overwhelmed. I had 400+ entries to check for relevant data and I'm sorry, but with how my brain tends to short out with so many words, I just couldn't do it.
However I pushed myself as far as I could, and as a result I did find a great deal of important info. I was shocked when I realized how many events, how many motivations, how many instances of pain and healing alike were completely missing from my memory. Usually, when I used to read the archives, reviewing would refresh my recollections, allowing me to say "oh yeah, now I remember that happening!" Not so, not anymore. Now I look and read and I know that at some point I did do and think and feel and say those things... but that knowedge is secondhand, a result of seeing the data on a screen. On my own, I cannot remember it whatsoever, and that scares me.
What does it mean? What does life mean, when I seem incapable of remembering things anymore? I know you're supposed to "live in the present," but I feel there is a very fine line between that and infinite temporal loops. If you have no awareness of the past, you cannot grow, you cannot learn from it. You get stuck, forever, in a resetting timeframe, forced to constantly repeat the same events over and over because you don't remember the last time you lived through them. And it never stops. That is currently my life, to a very fair extent. It is frightening, and disturbing, and I want it to stop.


People are slipping lately, very badly. It's hard to tell who is who, in talking and fronting and feeling. Everything is a blur.
Either the "manic girl" or the "empty boy" have been fronting lately, as a result. The former comes out around people, more often than anyone else ever, but she has a terrible personality and none of us like her, due to how she actively harms us and does not care. The latter is more pitiable, as he constantly states that he's "so tired and just wants to sleep," saying that the "noise in his head is too loud," and therefore he "shuts it all out" and tries to sleep. But that is literally ALL HE DOES. He counts as a suicidal fronter for that reason, as he is absolutely hellbent on not living, not existing, but only sleeping. He does not want to exist as a person, and he spares no thought for us as a result.

Chaos and Laurie were talking to me on... Saturday night? I think. But it was sad because we went outside to look at the stars, and that was beautiful, and I was almost feeling things and I wanted to try and remember what I had lost but the body was so exhausted I literally could not keep it awake. But, when I woke up the next morning, Laurie asked me if I remembered what we had spoken about, what I had been feeling, anything... and I paused, reaching back to try and find that data, and found none. So I said no. And I have not seen her look so hopelessly resigned in years.
I'm afraid she's... I don't want her to be suicidal again. The first time was horrible. And isn't it weird, I don't feel anything when I'm typing that? It is literally just a data file. It's an intellectual recollection of what emotions were felt back in 2010. There is no feeling accompanying it in real time. I know, in my brain, that if Laurie died it would devastate me, it would tear me to pieces. And yet, even in knowing that, there is no emotion.
What is wrong with me??
I'm starting to wonder if this is why Nathaniel and Leon haven't come back yet, and virtually everyone else has post-reset. But they were the heart guy and the head guy. One for compassion, one for awareness. They were the sweetest guys in the System and where are they now? We know they're still alive, but for heaven's sakes why haven't they been able to re-manifest then? Are their anchors that badly damaged?? I know that headvoices aren't literally tied to energy centers but geez those two really reflected theirs, the heart and the mind, and guess which two used to be my strongest and which now feel like they're frozen shut?

I'm scared. Is that obvious? That's the closest thing I can 'feel' right now. A quiet sort of existential, moral dread. The small shivers along my shoulders and back, the mind slinking to the edge of dissociation, the childhood fear of divine punishment. And why that, you ask? Why the fear of punishment, of all things? But that's simple too: in some weird way, I am still convinced that this awfully pained psychological state of mine makes me an "irredeemable sinner." Ironically, my current spiritual beliefs make it worse. According to them, because I am feeling this pain and struggling to heal from pains I don't understand and am honestly afraid to face again, because I am still hurting from wounds in my soul, then that means that I am an "ego," and therefore I don't exist, and therefore I am destined by the will of God to be thrown out with the chaff, so to speak. So that's a lot worse than the childhood fear of hell! With that, I could at least pray and beg and cry for hours, asking God to please have mercy and save me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, just don't send me there, I'll be better. With that I had hope. Now... now there is no hope left, because I believe that by virtue of my sinfulness, I AM NOT REAL. And I can't shake that weird perspective because now it makes "total sense" to me. And I am convinced that in the "new world," I will be forbidden from existing and therefore tainting it. So I will not die, I will be wiped from existence. Total annihilation, absolute nothingness. And in a really quiet, really hidden way, that scares the shit out of me. Deep down, that knowledge that if I cannot heal I will no longer exist AT ALL is very scary.
But like I said, there's no hope. There's no hope because to do so, I feel it would be exercising a "spiritual ego" and dragging other souls down with me. So I don't hope for deliverance, because if I don't exist, that can't happen anyway. And that is the worst part of it, because what do I do?
This isn't fun. I have to laugh, I say that whenever I'm really torn up about something. I try to joke about it, make it seem inferior and stupid. What does that say about my self-image, huh?

Chaos knows. I did talk to him today for a minute or so, without realizing I was doing so, because I keep forgetting that these things ARE literally happening; I don't even give credit to my own inner life being real, isn't that sick? I say "if I feel or think or intuit something, it must be fake, because it's 'internal' and therefore 'all in my head.'" And how ironic, I said I feel no emotions anymore, but I want to cry just looking at that sentence. Guess that hit a nerve. I'm so tired of feeling like I am OBLIGATED TO INVALIDATE MY OWN EXPERIENCES BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE THINKS THEY ARE VALID.
Like I said, Chaos knows. He's just as upset with me as Infinitii is, and personally, that is a very scary thing to me. I'm starting to think I am Borderline, stupid as it is, because I have every stupid symptom including this "I hate you don't leave me" thing which is a shallow lie because I ADORE them, but I am so scared of them because, thanks to this asinine PTSD... well. I don't want to think about that at this hour. However, it does tie into what CZ agreed with me on. I was saying I was sorry for being such a pain in the neck, for all the trouble I'd caused, etc. I said I knew I was a huge source of frustration and anger and dissapointment for people, but I didn't want to drag anyone else down anymore so I was keeping my distance. Anyway, as I rambled on about this, it hit me. Somewhere down the road, I forgot how to love myself. I know that's an old problem. But I literally cannot figure out how to love myself UNLESS I'm in third person perspective, and I'm "seeing myself" as SEPARATE from myself. I cannot love myself in first person, as the "person doing the experiencing." I honestly don't know how, and that is heartbreaking and terrible and frightening. I admitted that, incredulously, and Chaos just looked at me and said he knew that. He'd known that for a very long time.


I'm sorry, my laptop battery is about to die, I need to post this before it shuts off and I lose it again. Therapy is tomorrow, see you then.

 

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@ 10:18 am

 

 

I haven't been updating my dream journal lately, but I have been remembering my dreams most every day, so that at least is good news.

I don't remember much about last night's dream, due to having had a very frightening night prior to falling asleep... but shockingly, that fact proved to be very significant.
Before falling asleep, I had spoken to my boss (Mr. Sandman), telling him that I was still getting awful nightmares and could he or Laurie do something about those? He said he would try. In any case he was incredibly kind and reassuring as usual and that did help. Unfortunately, about an hour after that, I had an extremely traumatic hack (those of you who follow our system updates know what those are), which my memory has already annihilated for the most part, thank God. But, for the first time in my life, that incident was apparently significant enough to affect my dream.
As I said, I unfortunately don't remember much of the dream upon awakening (something told me not to, so I let the memory fade), but one thing stands out: for the entire dream, I was aware that we had been hacked, and I kept meeting headvoices expressing the same thing, and/or trying to comfort me or each other. Seriously, that's the one thing I wish I could remember-- it has been rare for members of our system to show up in dreams, but I swear there were at least 4 or 5 people in this one! (I'm almost positive Lynne was one of them, which is notable as I've never seen her in a dream before.)
There is one clear memory I have though, and it is why I am updating this morning. Near the end of the dream, my bro and I were going to this mall that doesn't exist in real life, but which is a constant location in certain dreams-- up the hill to the right of our house. I think I had to drive there, but either way, I recall walking through it (it was virtually empty, again typical) to the exit, still feeling depressed and shaken, with someone shouting at me to either 'hurry up' or that I was 'breaking the rules' or the like. So I went outside to the car, and sat down in the driver's seat, just staring out through the windshield. However, Infinitii happened to be in the front passenger seat, and when I sat down next to him, looking so distraught, he simply moved closer and wrapped his arms and wings around me. I don't even know if he said anything; all I know is that that honest gesture was the most comforting thing I've felt in a very long time. So I just held him for a little while in silence, although I felt like crying, and although I know I woke up a few small minutes later.

I apologize for the lack of updates, but if this dream has shown me anything to that end, it's that our dreams are more relevant than I give them credit for. So I will try to be here more often.

 

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@ 08:02 pm

 

 

 

So last week, we discovered that deep in the Underground there is a massive cistern, like the famous one in Istanbul (pictured above).
Razor seems to know her way around it, but we don't know if anyone else has dared to venture there alone. It's a disturbingly dangerous place, due to being so close to raw B/W energy levels. There are apparently things living in the water that we've been warned to stay away from.
Headspace sure is an interesting place to live, I'll say that much..