suddenly

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SHERLOCK EPISTEME ???



Why are you so bloody angry.

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE FREAKING BROKTHER FROM WORK BUT THEY TOLD US "EAT YOU WHROE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" SO WE HAVE TO FFCCKIGN "EAT" SHIT2B,NZDV A
BEFORE WE GO AND I DON’T FCKNG WANT TO ITS FISDHFDFUXGZDSFVNHDKJFFFFFFO L


Stop abusing the keyboard, that's how you broke our last computer. Tell us what the heck Is making you so angry.

I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I CANT DO SHIT EVERYTIONE IS TELLING ME "DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS TO DUTHEBFS DO THATZ1:"!:!!!!" AND WE OBVIOUSLY JUST WANT QUIET TIME TO OUTSELF TO TYPE AND WHATEVER BUT I DON’T KNOW WE DON’T HAVE THAT FUKCING TIME BECAUSE WHENEVER WE DO SHE COMES OUT THAT SELFISH STUPID PROUD BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW HER LAURIE SHE'S A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO O'M PSISED OFF BECAUSE SHE CKEEPS COMING THE FCK OUT AND BEING ALL SELF-RIGHTEOUS AND PISSY OROUD AND FCKING SHIT AND IN THE MEANTIME WE NEED TO DO STUFF FOR THEF AMILY BEU SHE SHJUST WANTS TO DO HER SHIT AND I HATE HER. I HATE HER. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IER HAER IA HAER

Calm the heck down. Who are you talking about? This kid?

THAT GIRL. YEAH. THE ONE TIED TO THE OLD GREEN LIVEJOURNAL PICTURES UPSTAIRS. WHOEVER SHE IS. SHE'S A BITCH. I HATE HER.
SHE WANTS EVERYTHING TO BE ABOUT HER. SHE THINKS SHE'S SO DAMNED SMART. PREACHING ALL THE FCKING TIME. ASSUMING SHE HAS ALL THE FCKING ANSWERS. I HATE HER.

Shoot, this is what we see in the brother, isn't it.

HYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES SHE ACTS THE SAME WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is she tied to the given name?

Almost? The response we're getting from it is a mix of her and Jezebel, I think?

It's an angry response to the given name, always. An angry, self-hating, world-hating response. Identical to the brother.

Holy swords. It really is.

That explains a lot.

So. Let's close this up. We're angry because…?

We're not angry, they're angry, and she's angry because-- are you a she?

CLOSE ENOUGH. ALL THE ANGRY PEOPLE USUALLY ARE.

Yeah we need to fix that too.

It all branches from the core, Laurie.

SHE'S NOT THE COER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT BITCH IS NOT THE CORE AND NEVER WILL BE!!!!!!!! SO TELL THE THERAPIST TO STOP CALLING HER THAT TOO BECAUSE I FCKING BHATE HER AS A RESULT

Okay, okay. We can't tell her right now but we will on Monday. Shoot, didn't we just try telling her yesterday though? That "Jessica" is an alter?

She feels like Jezebel, that's the scary part.

Probably tied, they're both old after all.

THERE ARE MULTIPLE JESSICASN AND I HATE THEM ALL

Yeah, that name is pretty bloody evil up here, I know. Geez, we need to fix that.

WHY. THEY'RE BITCHES.

We need to fix it because there's too much hatred in the System as a result of them existing and we need to get rid of that. Heal them somehow, if not, then get them the heck out of here.

I DON’T WANT THEM HEALED. THEY'RE BITCHES. I WANT THEM DEAD.

You know, healing doesn't mean they're going to stay as they are now, right? Julie didn't. I mean, look at her. She's nowhere near what she was before she joined us. Maybe those "bitches" can do the same.

…I DON’T KNOW. I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH. AND ALL THE SHIT THEY DO.

Now why do you hate them, just because of their actions, right?

AND THEIR PERSONALITIES. YOU KNOW THEM.

Yeah, I do. Sorry, I've been slipping a heck of a lot lately.

We know, Laurie. Just be careful.

THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!! ACTING AS AN "OBSERVER" AND JUDGING US ALL AS SHIT. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU GODFFORSAKEN BITCH?????????? JUST BECASUESE YOU CAN SIT IN THE BODY AND JUDGE MY SPELING AND THINK "OH WELL I CAN JUST WAETCH YOU THAT MUST MEAN ITS ALL FAKE!!!!!!!!!!" ARE YOU TYPONIG THIS, BITFCH??????????? NO. YOUR HANDS AREN'T DOINGA DAMN THING. HOW DOES THAT FEL, WHORE???? TO REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOURH HANDS?????????? THAT YEAH YOU CAN WATCH ALL YOU WANT BUT YUORES STUCK IN THE SKULL. YOU CA'T EVEN MOVE THE BODY. I CAN DO WHTEVER THE HECK I WANT. HOW DOES THAT FEEL?????????????????????????????////

Holy smokes, that's a milestone.

What?

Realizing there's a level split with those alters. THAT'S why they're always proclaiming they're the "cores," because they're under the false delusion that they are,simply because they can watch us. They're cut off from us, so they assume that anything other than them is fake.

Geez.

So that's good to know. That also explains the huge numb periods that show up whenever they do decide to watch, because their immediate action upon showing up is to cut off all contact to headspace. They don't WANT to know about us, because we're "fake," but even moreso than that, we know they're guilty. We can count their sins on our hands. We KNOW they're being bitches, and people like you who hate them, well they hate you the most, because you don't let them get away with their garbage.

I KNOW!!!! SO YO REALIZE I'M GOOD??? YOU DON’T' THINK
YOU DON'T THINK I'M EVIL OR HATE ME?? LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES?

Who's "everyone else?"

THE FAMILY--

SEE THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HER IMMEDIATE RESPONSE TO THE GRANDMOTHER WAS TO SAY "FCK YOU" WHEN SHE ASKED WHAT DAY IT WAS, NOW SHE'S GLOWERING AND GLARING JUST LIKE THE BROTHER WHO THE FCK IS THIS, LAURIE KILL HER, GET RID OF HER, SHE'S EVILM, SHE'S HOLDING US ALL BACK, SHE'S SABOTAGING ALL OUR SPIRITUAL PROGRESS, SHE'S ANNIHILATING OUR LOVE AND HOPE AND DREAMS AND TURNING IT INTO ADDICTION AND SELF-HATRED AND ABUSIVE CYCLES AND SHIT KILL HER; PLEASE. KILL HER

Kid I can't even try to kill someone permanently if the System won't allow it, and if I can't reach them I can do even less trying. That's the problem. "Floating alters" like her and you, socials as it were, are out of my reach. That ticks me off and makes me really existentially upset but hey, them's the breaks. I've gotta deal. Believe me, if I could reach her, I'd have my axe in her face in a bloody second.

How does that existentially upset you?

Makes me question my purpose. My existence, and the reason thereof. "Protect the System. Protect the cores." And THAT'S a whole other thing, realizing that at least one of the "cores" I used to protect ended up being a bitch. …That's really heartbreaking.

Which one?

The first one, the one in the Xangas who almost dated Q or something equally mindless and who was dramatic as hell. She just turned toxic after so many years. That's probably why I was so furious with her all the time. …Man. Hindsight seriously hurts.

Why, realizing you didn't know it then?

I didn't know they change. I didn't bloody know that they weren't all the same person, just shifting up. I thought… I didn't bloody realize that there were splits.Maybe in 2010 that was the first one, with the suicide attempt. …Maybe there were splits even before that, I don't know. It's so far out of memory I can't even reach it anymore. …And that heartless girl keeps freaking watching us type and judging it all as bullshit and I bloody hate you, I hate to say that but I hate you for the hatred in you and how you hate EVERYONE but yourself and God forgive me but if I could kill you I would.

Laurie--

(But you can't, bitch)

WHAT did you just say to me???????

Laurie, what are you doing--

Trying to kill a bloody social. Watch me.



…Confound it all, I can't do it, she keeps coming back. I can't bloody reach her.

Can someone else take her spot?

Man I hope so. I hope so. It's just going to take a heck of a lot of determination, get someone else in there to watch at all times. That's going to be a conscious effort because the non-conscious default is that BITCH.

…Where'd that angry floating alter go?

She's not around because I'm catching the anger right now. Floating ones catch vibes. That stuff runs through the blood of everyone in the System. 'Swhy there are so many split anchors. Geez. I'm sorry, my head hurts, can we close this up?

Yeah, I'm just scared that when we leave, that "Jessica" girl is going to come back and screw things up.

Well… to hell with her. To hell with her, it's where she bloody belongs.

Laurie. Don't let the hatred kill you too.

…I'm sorry, Lynne, it just hurts so much.

I know. But… don't let it kill you.

…Okay. Okay, I'll calm down. I'm really sorry, it just… it gets so bad.

I know, Laurie. I've felt it too, remember, and it's toxic stuff. That's why I'm saying be careful.

We need to go inside and work on this but those bitches won't let us--

Hey, do you think it's because the bro's around now? Like he keeps triggering those vicious girls because they act just like him?

Shoot, probably. We'll have to tell the therapist on Monday. Anyway we have to close this up as we do have errands to run and then we have church and that bitch is already trying to push through and control everybody but to hell with you, there is more to life than you, we exist outside of you and far past you and when everything bloody dies on this planet WE'RE going to go on beyond it and YOU are going to bloody dissolve with the rest of the devil's work. Mark my words. We're eternal. You're not.

…

Sorry. I'm really badly distraught, Lynne, I need some downtime. Hold me or something, come on, I need comfort.

Haha, all right Laurie. …Sorry you're feeling like this.

I know. …I love you guys, okay? I'm only doing this because I want the best for us, all of us.

Even them?

…Yeah. Ultimately, even them. I just… I'm sorry, I let the hate get the better of me. It's toxic stuff, like you said. But it's…

Intoxicating?

No, I don't like it. It's poisonous. It's overwhelming, it gets in you and won't get out, but while it's in there it's so bloody distressing it takes all your attention.

It's cathartic.

That's it!

I know.

Terribly stupid how ironic that is, huh.

Yeah.

…Should we close this up?

Yeah, errands. We'll continue this later if we need to. As for now, we need someone to consciously front in the System so we don't sabotage all our efforts again.

Isn't Jay supposed to do that?

He's supposed to, but he's hard to find when hatred is swamping the body, as he's incompatible with that.

Can't he flush it out though?

Yeah, he can, the problem is getting him IN there. And keeping him there, when the girls want him dead.

They do??

Yeah, no kidding, he's the antithesis of everything they stand for.

Well I can see why you hate them now.

Let me affectionately sass you for a second. Don't let it kill you.

Ahaha, I walked right into that one.

Still applies!

Yeah, thanks Laurie.

You too, Jo, I know you catch this bad, too.

Sometimes. I do.

Yellow's a tough color as far as anger is concerned. But really, we need to close this up. Think of Infinitii with all this Black stuff, that's what I wanted to say first.

Ah, that's a good idea.

Isn’t it? Transmutation. Infinitii kicked it in the teeth, when they were trying to use hir for their evil ends, now look at hir. Perfect example of transcendence there. Now let's go, we have work to do. Jo, lighten up, this mood doesn't suit you.

It's hard to let go of properly, Laurie.

…Shoot, wasn't Jay just typing about this too? Remind him, talk to him later, about the Yellow concerns. Okay?

Hehe. Aye-aye, Captain.

There we go, that's a start. Just be careful, you too.

We need to talk about this later!!

Thank you! I'm terrible at closing things, let's just do that already.

Sounds good to me!

 

 

help [helped]

god, I feel like sobbing.

why is my family so hateful and intolerant?
when someone has health sensitivities, their response is "awwwwh, get over it already. WE don't have problems like that!" because apparently, if they aren't experiencing something, then it doesn't exist.

I cannot tell you how afraid I am of them finding out I'm transgender.
thank god I'm ace/aro, I at least don't have to worry about hiding romantic things like so many other non-hetero kids do.
but I'm still afraid, because transitioning isn't something you can hide. I've been on hormones for a year now. I've somehow managed to ease into the lowering voice and appearing facial hair slowly enough to slip by them, but. they still suspect something and sometimes their comments feel like swords of accusatory damnation and it terrifies me.

I know how paper-thin their affections are, and it breaks my heart. I've seen it in all three of them. Do something, once, to offend them, or to oppose them, and they will instantly hate you, even if literally seconds before they said that they loved you.
As a child that scared me more than anything. "I" was never sure what I or they actually felt, I couldn't trust any of it, because for them it changed absolutely on a dime, and for me… well, they always claimed to know what I was really feeling; that I was lying about my own emotions.
I bring that up again because they still do it. They still do it.

But I'm terrified. Today, all I said was "I don't want to eat before church" and she practically declared war on me. Just yesterday she was calling me "her angel" and saying how grateful she was that I was here, but after that one sentence she starts slamming doors on me and refusing to talk to or look at me and, worst of all, using that silent treatment to do that subtle bad-touch thing that she knows I'm scared of but, since she doesn't understand it, it's not valid. Even worse, she considers it stupid and childish.
"Ohhh, grow up already," she spits, when we flinch and cry at the worst touches. Little does she know she actually is talking to a child at that moment.
Little does she know, the children that grew up, learned to hate.

…It's breaking my heart.
What do we do?


I absolutely cannot live here anymore.
After today… God help us. The sheer toxicity of this family is overwhelming.
The terrifying violence, the emotional manipulation, the constant blatant lying, the screaming and fighting and back-stabbing and spitework… God, it hurts. I CANNOT LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

But where do I go?
I have no support system. We never did. We never had any friends, for heaven's sake, we don't have anywhere to go BUT here.

(left unfinished)




(added much later)


I want to add something.

Our family members are not bad people. This author only sees the "bad sides" of them, not their good sides.

It's a flawed perspective. But seeing only the good isn't entirely accurate either, as that glosses over the real problems that still exist, hence this entry being written in the first place.

But they are not bad people. They are good people and they do love us the best they can, in the way they know how.

Still, the current home situation is highly stressful and it is damaging our mental state. I cannot say whether or not this truly merits another attempt of "moving out" but it DOES require that we find a solid, untouchable safe place, preferably external as well as internal, in order to survive the worst of the bitter harsh cruel tendencies when they do surface. We are no better when our bad sides are triggered, I must warn you. Be humble about it.

Nevertheless, this stands as-is. The concerns are valid, if one-sided.


Don't be so bloody hyperlogical. You're being just as one-sided here, bud.
Listen. Whoever wrote this was distraught. They're scared of being found out as queer or what-have-you. They're scared of the brother and his violent tendencies and threats, we all know that. They're scared of those "bad sides" even if they are only part of those people. Point is those people are showing those bad sides pretty often currently, and it's pretty freakin' hard to deal with even if they are good people when that stuff gets shoved aside. But that's the point. It's not getting pushed aside, it's staying front and center, and we can't deal with it as often as we're currently being required to. Okay? Nice people who act bitchy and violent way too often really don't count as "nice people" during those times and that's what this person is trying to say. We can't deal with that nonsense anymore, it's unhealthy and toxic for both parties and we're just trying to save ourself here. We've tried to "save" them, that's a flawed mindset just as much as the rest of them, it didn't work. Jay's been focused on a quote lately, he keeps repeating it so we drive it in... "If you study the true nature of Light you will find that it never gives a thought to the effort of convincing darkness not to be dark." That's really bloody important and it's true, if you really look at the history of us up here, the only thing that's ever worked is when we stopped trying to bury axe-blades in people's heads and instead just... shone. Became what we wanted up here. That's what's gonna work with this family, too. Heal yourself, heal the world, bit by bit of course, and it's gotta be applied on a mass scale of course... can't expect one kid with a good heart to fix everything after all, no matter how much he wishes that could work. And who knows, they say it only takes one candle to chase away shadows so hey. Every bit helps. But I'm getting off topic. What I'm trying to say is, stop thinking with your head so damn much, you can't see the whole picture that way. Use your head and use your heart, you gotta use both or it's not gonna work. All right? That goes for everyone up here. Intelligence tempered by compassion, affection tempered by wisdom, all of that. The heart and the head. That's headspace in a nutshell, ironically, perhaps, but there it is.
Anyway I'm not going to waste time blathering on about what you already know to be true, I've said enough already, any more words are just going to be superflous. I'm out.


To the kid who wrote the first half of this entry: my heart breaks for you, kid. But you've got comfort and support and love up here, okay? I know it's rough downstairs but you at least have this, and it will always be there for you. Don't listen to any tarheads who say otherwise. I'm not leaving any of you, even if I get ticked off at you. You're all good kids at heart, I know that, even if I might not see it all the time, and I'm sorry for that. I can get blinded too. But if you don't give up on me, I'll appreciate the heck out of that, okay?
Either way, come to me if you need anything, even if it's just a hug or something. I'm here for ya. We all are, everyone up in Central especially. Be careful who you listen to up here, there are some floating voices who don't have your best interests in mind, kid. Rule of thumb: don't listen to anyone who doesn't have a face. That's key.
Anyway. You've got love downstairs too, kid. Look for it, you'll find it, it's there. But look with love, okay? Your eyes determine what you see. That's important too. ...I know it hurts. I know you're seriously scared and I don't blame you. But... there's always hope. Take care of yourself, don't let anyone abuse you or push you around, don't stand for any of that abuse but for heaven's sake don't turn into an abuser either. Don't let the bitterness steal your sweetness and all that. Don't let the pain paint you black as pitch. Don't let the hurt turn you white as plague. Okay? Don't. There's more to life than that and that goes for how other people treat you too. There's more to this. Man, what am I trying to say. Don't give up, but don't give in either. Be strong, be honorable, act and speak with integrity and compassion, but don't ever use those words to justify pride or cruelty or any of that junk, because that's the most corrupt thing you can do up here. Shoot, I'm rambling.
I'm here for you. Be a good kid, I have faith in you. Don't stand for people treating you otherwise, but forgive them and also realize when they're acting out of pain, too. Forgive them but be wise around them. If they really are toxic then put some space between you and them, but don't hate them. Don't ever hate them. It won't help anyone on this earth, ever.

11:11, that's one heck of a good sign. Thanks for that, I rarely see this, but it means a lot when I'm out and I do. Thank you.

Kid, all you damaged and lost alters, you've got light in you too, you're just wandering around a really winding path right now. I've got lanterns, so give me a call if you need some extra luminance, okay? We've all got ways to help you. We'll get through this, together.


Oh, one last quote from our old blog because it's damn important and synchronicity is always relevant:

"Whenever we dismiss someone as incapable of change, we instantly suckerpunch the sovereign grace of God.
We are downsizing His sovereignty to those people and not these. Then we’re no longer talking about God. We’re just exposing our laziness.
You know what I mean. I see a person on their first lap of faith and I make assumptions; I see 0.5 percent of a person’s life and somehow predict their future; I see half a story and presume the whole story. But this is a sort of evil that holds back potential, that undermines growth, that destroys a child’s dreams. It’s an ugliness that I’ve experienced from others, who wouldn’t give me a shot, who wouldn’t see past their negative filters and accusations and condemnations, who saw me as a deadbeat nobody with no hope of a turnaround.
But occasionally, love would cut in and open a door. It grew my heart. It embraced me in.
Love sees a greatness in someone who cannot see it in themselves.
Love keeps no record of wrongs. It hopes in all things, it does not rejoice in evil. It perseveres."


There you go. Hold on to that, kids, all of you.
Have a good night, and if it doesn't feel that way so far, make it one. Even if it's just in a small way. Small things add up. You can do it, I've got faith in you.
See you around, kiddos.

-L.U.