UNDERTALE DAY 10

take 10
finishing the pacifist run.
(weird "too casual" vibe I got from it?)
at first, I was strongly put off by how suddenly everyone seemed to change post-Asriel.
Now, thinking about it, I can express why better.

(author: internet "jewel"? you recognize her)
I think it's because, for us, this sort of ending would be a huge danger sign.
Alphys is the one that reflected it the most. After having spent most of the game battling depression, suicidal tendencies, and a haunting terrific guilt, she's suddenly acting too casual and open and relaxed here, from our standards at least.
But it makes sense. This is probably her first time being this open. So of course it's going to be a bit messy at first, it's going to feel a bit excessive or forced, because she's feeling that first awkward high of sincerity, of not having walls up. It can be a rush, and it can make you do very stupid things if you're not careful.
For us, if we were acting like Alphys was during the Pacifist ending, it would mean we were in a negatively-social manic state. She was sharing her interests a little too much, making that bit of an embarrassing slipup with Asgore. She was commenting under her breath how she had a small crush on Toriel. All sorts of things we'd personally label as "hyper" and "not being conscious."
All of that felt incredibly out of character for her, as far as we were concerned, because it felt like she skipped the entire process of growing OUT of her depression and into a more free, optimistic state. It felt like a blinded leap and THAT is why it upset us.
But again, we've done that too. I think that, for the time being, she did "jump ahead." And that's good, for her, in that situation! Things are suddenly happy for EVERYONE. The whole Underground just got the freedom they've been dreaming of for centuries. EVERYONE is going to be "leaping ahead" to sudden euphoria right now. That doesn't make their happiness fake or stupid or anything!


the most jarring thing was suddenly having the tables turned and realizing I was never the one living this story. not the way i thought, at least.

"I don't know why I ever acted like you were the same person. Maybe... The truth is... Jay wasn't really the greatest person. While, Frisk... You're the type of friend I wish I always had. So maybe I was kind of projecting a little bit."
...that hit me like a knife.
I know it wasn't meant to be a jab at me, but an observation of the original fallen human, who I was supposed to name at the beginning, apparently... but...
...
God.
That statement from Asriel sounded too much, too damn much, like something I thought I'd forgotten. Something I have forgotten, for the most part, but the impact of which has still permanently scarred some parts of us.

I don't hate humanity. I don't hate humanity. I never did and I never will.
I have been accused of it, God knows why, from people who think more viciously of their fellow man than I ever could... but... this is no time for desperate finger-pointing. That's not what this is about.
...Why am I speaking for Jay. I'm sorry. I guess I feel the same pain, had my name been in there instead.

 

"Frisk, when JAY and I combined our SOULs together… the control over our body was actually split between us. They were the one that picked up their own empty body. And then, when we got to the village… they were the one that wanted to… to use our full power. I was the one that resisted. And then, because of me, we… Well, that's why I ended up a flower. Frisk… this whole time, I've blamed myself for that decision. That's why I adopted that horrible view of the world. "Kill or be killed." But now… after meeting you… Frisk, I don't regret that decision anymore. I did the right thing. If I killed those humans… we would have had to wage war against all of humanity. And in the end, everyone went free, right? I still feel kind of sad knowing how long it took… so maybe it wasn't a perfect decision. But you can't regret hard choices your whole life, right? Well, not that I have much of a life left. But that's besides the point. "
...that is too applicable to headspace.

"There are a lot of Floweys out there. And not everything can be resolved by just being nice. Frisk… Don't kill, and don't be killed, alright? That's the best you can strive for."
I took a few days break between starting this entry and now.
And now, watching Frisk walk through the Underground, I'm happy for them. I know I'm not them. They are their own person. This is THEIR story. And… it gives me a great sense of loving responsibility. I'm still the one directing their movements, their choices in battles, were we to have any now. I'm still the one guiding their path. And I'm happy for that.
I actually just stumbled across a post on Tumblr that says this perfectly, from the other route:
"one thing that doesn’t get realized enough in Undertale Discourse is how much of an active participant the player is in the plot.
Especially when it comes to Chara and the no mercy route.
Because 90% of Chara’s actions are actually committed by the player. Chara never forces you to do anything, the player is literally the one that makes a conscious decision to murder each and every monster living in the underground.
I mean that’s why you're supposed to name them after yourself."
That's very well said.
also this post:
"Frisk is actually an independent character with their own story and their own name. Chara is the real player character, the one who takes our name, the one who represents us. The entire game hinges on the notion that we essentially are Chara - the conflict of the game consisting of whether or not we’re able to complete a game without killing anyone if given the option (the same way Frisk gives Chara the option of being kind), or if we fall back on our old RPG ways."
One big thing this game has taught us is humility.
…We automatically assume that everything is a reflection of us. I suppose that's what a life lived internally will do to you; you extend that spiritual solidarity outside and assume that everything out there will by default resonate with what's in here. But it doesn't, not always. We do look, we always look, that's obvious in the early Undertale playthrough entries here… but one of the biggest messages of this game is, flat-out, "not everything is about you."
…It's very very humbling, almost humiliating, as it elicits a heavy response of guilt and shame and self-stupidity to realize that we are 100% guilty as charged.
The reason why there's so much crushing self-hating shame
(IT'S TIED TO THE BAD ALTERS)
^ this girl included, sadly, with her unfortunate proud undertone. she isn't bad, but she's still toxic. that's a very important distinction.
(she's one of the baseline negative fronters? the age 17 jewel i think. she's stuck in high school mentally. very self-absorbed, preachy and a bit showoffy, 'special snowflake' and/or 'outcast savior' self-view. no real thought of other people existing as separate people from them. also remember until 2011 we were convinced we would DIE at age 20. technically we did but it did affect the mental state of those past fronters by making them never think of a future. so their personalities were rather shallow.)


(outspacers)
And that's what makes an Outspacer… a positive introject with their roots on the outside.
Learning to talk about all this in psychological terms is kind of existentially unsettling, sometimes. But you can say the same thing about physical life, too, how everything can basically be broken down into chemicals and hormones and electrical signals and such.
I guess that's something we have to come to peace with… that just because you can see the building blocks of something, it doesn't make the finished product invalid.


The most unexpected headspace-related line so far:
"The doctah. She brought my wife. Back from the dead. My son. He seems happy again. Our family. It's biggah than evah. Now that my wife. Is combined. With 16 othah people."
All I've ever wanted in life is for us to be thought of that way, too. It's funny in a way, but it's honest.

...

(left unfinished. will try to complete it later.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



@ 01:30 AM



not quite a full update.

(we're finishing our pacifist run and i'm admittedly having a bit of trouble with it,but that's for another entry)



laurie and I are trying to watch a genocide playthourgh and we keep skipping through
how can people just do that so casually

it's terrifying, the music is all screwed up, the player just slaughters everything,

we
laurie almost burst into tears at the papyrus battle,
I couldn't watch undyne again,
laurie said "don't you fucking dare turn cold watching this,"
don’t numb out, don't turn into the same thing you're seeing on the screen through passivity,

…

ohhh shit we were right about flowey
"mom! dad! somebody help me! but nobody came."
god this is heartbreaking I don't think I can watch this

laurie says I should. learn to cry again. learn to feel for god's sake, break through this lethal numb period that's settling in from stress and fiction lag and hacks and external corruption,
break it down, burn it to pieces,
it's DECEMBER, it's ADVENT, this is the time of snow and joy and bells and vigilance and righteousness and dedication and love,
don't you DARE numb us out now,
even if I can only say that from my essence, and not from any feeling,

is that how we have to live now? at least, currently?
if we can't feel, we just push through with the compassion of choice?
it's difficult, going up against the screaming tar monster of emotion, feeling, instinct,
and the blank-faced plague demon of uncaring, ignorance, apathy,
they're all full of pride and hatred and destruction,

they are NOT us.
god help us, we need to stand strong here, we haven't been fighting in far too long,
we haven't been fighting the right way,
remember that fire feeds fire, we NEED to fight but not with their ammunition,


I'm so tired.


"Eventually, the kind found me, crying in the garden. I explained what had happened to him. Then he held me, Chara. He held me with tears in his eyes, saying… "There, there. Everything is going to be alright." He was so… emotional. But… for some reason… I didn't feel anything at all."

fuck.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't swear. but that was bitter. heartwrenchingly so.

"I soon realized I didn't feel ANYTHING about ANYONE. My compassion had disappeared! And believe me, it's not like I wasn't trying. I wasted weeks with that stupid king, vainly hoping I would feel something. But it became too much for me. I ran away from home. Eventually, I reached the RUINS. Inside I found HER, Chara. I thought of all people, SHE could make me feel whole again. … She failed. Ha ha… I realized those two were useless. I became despondent. I just wanted to love someone. I just wanted to care about someone. Chara, you might not believe this… but I decided… it wasn't worth living anymore. Not in a world without love. Not in a world without you. So… I decided to follow in your footsteps. I would erase myself from existence. And you know what? I succeeded."
"But as I left this mortal coil… I began to feel apprehensive. If you don't have a SOUL, what happens when you…?"

god, WHY,
this hits TOO close to home, laurie was right,
I need to watch this, even if it hurts like a lance through the heart,
maybe that's the point.


I can't do this tonight, it's 2am for god's sake, we haven't been sleeping at all,
I'm exhausted.
we can do better in the morning. we must do better. we cannot ever ever ever give up.

in the morning we will try again and we will do better


good night.









(ADDED LATER)

"...Something primal started to burn inside me. "No," I thought. "I don't want to die!" … Then I woke up. Like it was all just a bad dream. I was back at the garden. Back at my "save point." Interested, I decided to experiment. Again and again, I brought myself to the edge of death. At any point, I could have let this world continue on without me. But as long as I was determined to live… I could go back. Amazing, isn't it, Chara? I was amazed, too. At first, I used my powers for good. I became "friends" with everyone. I solved all their problems flawlessly. Their companionship was amusing… for a while. As time repeated, people proved themselves predictable. What would this person say if I gave them this? What would they do if I said this to them? Once you know the answer, that's it. That's all they are."
"It all started because I was curious. Curious what would happen if I killed them. "I don't like this," I told myself. "I'm just doing this because I HAVE to know what happens. Ha ha ha… What an excuse! You of all people must know how liberating it is to act this way. At least we're better than those sickos that stand around and WATCH it happen… those pathetic people that want to see it, but are too weak to do it themselves. I bet someone like that's watching right now, aren't they…?"

"let's free everyone. then... let's let them see what humanity is REALLY like! that despite it all... this world is still 'kill or be killed!'"

"i think if you're around... just living in the surface world doesn't seem so bad."
oh god i've heard that too many times from people in the system..

"even after all this time, you're the only one that understands me. you won't give me any worthless pity!"

"creatures like us... wouldn't hesitate to KILL each other if we got in each other's way...
why am i... shaking?"



...sans.

i'm sorry i cannot type about thsi fight, not now, not now, not now



"You can't understand how this feels. Knowing that one day, without any warning… it's all going to be reset."

"there's a glimmer of a good person inside of you. the memory of someone who once wanted to do the right thing. someone who, in another time, might even have been… a friend?"


"and because you 'can,' you 'have to.'"


god

I

I need to watch this in the morning



the sans fight just ripped my heart to shreds

I am literally weeping at my computer at 3 in the morning why would you do that to him


cant
icia I cant watch this antoy a yna anymore.


god

no.

I

I got the good ending, I loved every single one of them, I love them,
don't you ever hurt the,m, don't you ever turn me into YOU.



we are dying from fiction lag currently
but,
but then something like this comes up and just stabs us in the gut, it's ALL HEADSPACE, all of it,
it's all so relevant it hurts like hell,

and then they just fucking kill asgore in cold blood.


oh god though
flowey sounds
just
he always sounded like our worst headvoices
the brutal, lost, damaged ones

the more we talk to them the more we see asriel in them
souls turned vicious through living through too much viciousness
horrific pain turned outwards because they dont know what else to do with it
they cant cope
and then you,
i'm not
i'm not angry a t this player i just


"please don't kill me."

...and i've heard that a thousand times before, too.


but they did.
they did.

fuck.
i cannot

... i cant handle this brutality, i can't, it's destroying my heart,

flowey
god i can't
that poor flower
that poor child

how can you do that

how can you just watc h that


i can't, i can't,

i dont give a shit how this genocide run ends i cannot watch this


god don't ever let me become that kind of person.



there's nothing else i can say tonight.