be not afraid

 

 SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH JAY IRIDOS

102513 11:22 PM


Hey, kid. You wanted to talk?

Oh geez, yes, thank you for showing up, I'm sorry we have to do this in Word but I'm kind of desperate and don't want to gamble with either the Internet or Wordpress. And I have to use red text still 'cause it's easier to read than white.

That's fine, just talk.

So. Here we are.

Yeah. You still feeling sick?

Very.

…Shoot. I'm sorry kid, I don't know what the heck to do about this anymore.

What happened?

You were hacked. Obviously. Where'd you think you got the pain that you're in?

…I know. Hold on, someone's on FB messaging me.

Really? You're that bad that you're looking to talk to people? Come on, let me see this.

Okay, hold on. ..Aha, look who commented.

Branwen? Heck, isn't that what you thought the bear's name was?

Yeah. Not sure though, it's a shot in the dark and it obviously doesn't fit as he hasn't attached to it. But Laurie, I have such a headache, I'm nauseous and sick, I didn't think I could get this much pain from hacks anymore.

Well, guess what, you do. Sorry, that sounds callous.

No, it only looks that way. Written text doesn't translate facial expressions or verbal inflections, and you look really tired and sad right now.

I am. It's 'cause I am.

…

Are you?

No? But I feel like I should be, almost. I've got my surface-crackle glitter going on, but I can tell, even now, that it's a shiny surface hiding something very black and hurt and mangled. It's a sparkly cover tossed over something really scary to look at.

I know. That's why I'm asking. Where the heck are we going to post this?

I don't know, we'll find out. …Is Infi okay?

No. He's taking this much worse than you are, obviously.

How much worse? Do I want to know? I feel like throwing up, but that's about it…

I think he'd kill to throw up right now. He looks like he's literally losing his mind. I don't know what the heck happened, but he took it hard, and he's bloody terrified. He hasn't moved from Central, where you last saw him.

That's in Central?

Not the main room, but yeah. Effectively it's Central. But he's there, and the retributors are hanging around, if you were wondering.

I was, yeah. Why didn't they do anything?

I told them not to. I remembered what your therapist said. "No cutting if you can help it." But… really, it's tough not to at times like this.

Is that why I was in so much pain?

…Maybe. …man, I don't know, kid, I know just as much as you do and that's not a freakin' lot.

Who was responsible?

For what, the hack? I haven't got a bloody clue, kid, that's why we're all so scrambled over this.

Hm. Sorry, had a bit of a break there.

Yeah we did. Can we get back to talking though? I'm worried about you.

I'm having a little trouble getting back into the Xanga swing of things, but I'm trying.

Doesn't matter kid, we're talking, that's all that counts right now. I'll try to get straight into text instead of paraphrasing, aaite? That help?

It does. Thanks. Less mistranslation too, actually, wow.

I figured as much. It's a direct link. That's why it's so bloody difficult for you to "pass on" messages from us to your therapist in sessions. There's too much lost in translation.

Like the game of telephone!

Precisely. And that's not something you want happening in therapy. Anyway, that's not why we're here. How you feeling?

Still sick. I'm scared too, quietly, behind this smile. I didn't think this would happen.

None of us did, kid, that's why it's scary.

No, not just that, I mean… usually the brutal hacks are… I'm more used to those. They've been happening recently I think. I guess. But whatever happened today, all I know for sure is that it was quick, sudden, and excruciatingly painful. And that scares me, that the quick and quiet ones are the most damaging, the most horrifying in retrospect.

You said you knew it wasn't Infi.

For a second. I think for one second I got through, I felt wrong and weird, like I was half asleep, and I knew it wasn't Infi there. But then everything goes blank. And I know that whoever used our forms, it wasn't us. The only things I can access in that memory are that realization I just mentioned, one little instant, and then however longer later, suddenly Infi looking absolutely terrified and either holding his head or looking at his hands in shock? Maybe both. The only clear thing is the expression on his face. And it's scary, and it breaks my heart. But he knew too.

Knew what?

That it wasn't us. Entirely wasn't us. And we had… "lost," for lack of a better word. We'd been hacked. That's really all I can say. It speaks for itself.

It does. …Kid, are you leaving that guy hanging on Facebook?

Shoot, I think I am, sorry about that. Give me a second.

Sure.

Okay, no, he just said "damn" in response which, since it sounds like you, actually makes me feel somewhat better. Like I'm supported.

Kid, you're crazy.

Yet you're smiling as you say that. And not looking at me.

J how long has it been since you've actually been in here? Months?

…In here, meaning headspace? Xanga? A poor excuse for Xanga in Microsoft Word?

No, just… sheesh, anywhere. This is the first freakin' time we've spoken heart-to-heart in God knows how long.

Yeah, it really is.

Hey, by the way, d'you consider that irreverent? Y'know, that closing phrase.

No? I mean, it's casual, but I don't think anyone would label it blasphemy or anything, why?

'Cause I promised Christina I wouldn't use religious swears anymore. And she has a point. It's embarrassing really, that I still use them, 'specially since I don't know where the bloody things came from.

Programming?

Probably. Internalized nonsense. So I\'m trying to watch my translations and keep that from happening. Got it? Call me out if I slip up, okay?

Okay. Can't believe Christina's back, though.

Me neither. Probably needs to be though, that stuff seems to happen. People die, then they come back, and we realize that hey, they're probably pretty bloody important right about now. And she is, whether I like her or not, because of the poison she keeps spewing out every time she talks. Honestly, it's disturbing.

Like what?

Jewel, you heard her, that delusion about "only she knows what everyone else is supposed to do" in lieu of their own better judgment? It's the same nonsense your grandmother spat our for years. Same stuff. And it's still in her, except solidified into her now, and if we're gonna heal that… is there a better word for "garbage," because honestly I'm repeating myself.

It is what it is, I guess.

You bet it is. Absolute worthless garbage is what it is. "There's one right path for everyone and it's mine" basically. It's using religion as a power grab. People are individuals with free will and I'm sorry Christina, but every single human and non-human and whatever on this earth can't be a hypocritically Bible-banging mega-orthodox Christian, especially not by force, and especially since you're only being so forceful because you hate everything else. Yeah I've got a bone to pick with that mindset. People's lives, cultures, whatever-- they differ too much for that sort of homogenous demand. We differ too much for that, and that's FINE! Every person has their own path to walk, every seeking soul gets called by God towards God in different ways, and guess what? In the end we're all walking towards that one God whether she likes our not-so-starch-and-lacey company or not. I don't bloody get it. Why she can't accept that we still have faith if it doesn't look just like hers. She literally put her freaking fingers in her ears and "la la la"-ed over me when I was trying to tell her. I mean what the heck. …But my heart goes out to her though. Maybe I'm too much of a bleeding softie now, thanks kid, look what you've done to me. I feel bad for her because she's freaking terrified, to do that like she did. She's terrified that she's wrong, that her beliefs aren't set in stone, because what's she got if that falters? Nothing, I think. And that's scary.

It is.

But that happens, y'know? Beliefs change as life changes. They mature, they gain depth, they can change completely if you realize hey, I've been walking in the wrong direction! They're not supposed to be stuck in the dirt, rigid and unquestionable. But hers are. She's so convinced that she's the one who knows the sole truth, the absolute unchanging truth, that she doesn't realize that truth doesn't live in hearts of stone.
I don't care what someone's professed belief system is, if that soul is sincerely trying to find the greater truth and real meaning to life, if they're trying to find and know and worship God for God's literal sake, then even if they're not a Christian they are absolutely still headed in that ultimate direction-- towards the real Truth, the one that's bigger than you and by no means under your control. Her insistence that there's "only one way ever" is not only limiting EVERYONE around her, but it's also limiting HER. She's so convinced that she's "right" and everyone else is "wrong" that's she's not even LOOKING at God anymore. She's just trying to make everyone into a mirror of herself. And she can't freaking SEE THAT because she genuinely believes that being her religious clone is somehow MORALLY PROPER.

Geez, you're getting mad?

I'm just exhausted. Exasperated. Whatever, both. But you told me that once, kid, and it stuck with me. Viewing reality through the lens of such a tightly-held set of beliefs is going to color everything you see. Switch the lens and wow, holy swords, you can still see! But everything's got a different hue now! What the heck, right? But take the glasses off, and suddenly you realize that there are a lot more colors out there than you ever thought possible, and they're only ultimately relevant when they're all working together in this life-- when you can see past that monochrome lens and grasp the big picture that ALL the colors are part of.

Sounds like us.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's what I'm getting at too. Harmony. Unity. Relationship. You can't take one thing and make it better than everything else, higher than everything else, and "everything else" is bunk. You can't control everything under the guise of cooperation. That's not right. So, very long story short, I'm trying to say that Christina shouldn't be trying to make everyone follow her brand of Christian belief system, without question, because that's not respecting free will or religion. It's not a wrong belief, heck no, for her it might be exactly what she needs in her life. But not for mine. Not for yours either, judging from your past.

And my present. I mean I deeply love the Christian religion, I love its concepts and tenets and symbols and everything... but as a whole, after all the childhood trauma there, I have too many differing thoughts that I need to work through. I can't just blindly claim the label, especially not with that much lingering fear. And I still struggle with feeling like that hesitance is unforgivably wrong.

Kid, it's okay to have differing opinions from your original religion, that happens as you age and are exposed to the world. Just don't get stuck in your own momentary judgments or ideas, and never follow the whims of shifting society. Doubt this, question this, affirm this, believe this, but be ready to turn that all over on a dime if the tried-and-true evidence presents itself. Okay? And I don't just mean physical evidence, I mean if you're honestly LOOKING for truth, and you're open to hear it, then if your deepest heart suddenly speaks up and tells you that something IS true, I don't care if it uses words or not, you listen to it. Even if that revelation goes against everything you assumed or thought you knew up to that point. You LISTEN to that voice. Because that spark in your heart is the one compass that will never steer you wrong, as long as you ain't wearing any colored glasses, because then you're not seeing over half the entire spectrum.

And don't… don't second-guess it either.

No, do look at it discerningly, make sure it's not an echo or a lookalike, and always scrap if it's sugarcoated. But honestly if you are bloody sure that it's your heart talking-- your REAL heart, the one GOD gave you, not the damage, not the distortions, none of that junk-- then yeah, you don't second-guess that. Ever. And I'm looking at you, with an eagle gaze, as I say that.

Haha. But no, you're right.

I know I am. That's why I said it. You've been second-guessing that still small voice for far too long, kid.

…Why?

Heck if I know. Fear, maybe. Just like Christina. It's sad.

Fear of what, though?

Of being right. Of being wrong, even. Of… shoot, how do I put this into words. You're afraid of listening to it because… sheesh, kid, you tell me. Christina's afraid of a broader perspective than she can handle, I think. Too afraid of diversity and different possibility. She likes everything to be cut and dry, nice and neat, laid out for her. Tell her exactly what to do and think and say, and then she wants everyone to adhere to that, regardless of capacity or comprehension. You can't do that to people. But she's safe there, at least she feels she is, and that would pass as fine, if it wasn't barring her from seeing more of life that way.

Meaning?

Meaning if she keeps obsessing over whether or not everyone else is a "proper Christian", she'll never be able to value their faith as it is, or their lives as they are. Her perspective is limited. I mean shoot, you tell her you're a Buddhist, she's not going to look up the history of Gautama or the Noble Eightfold Path, or any of that. And it could really inspire her, because if she was looking at it with an open heart she'd see God echoed in that, too, the same God she worships so fervently but possessively. She'd realize that honest seekers are still headed in the same direction as her. But she doesn't. She's convinced there's only one very specific way to see God, because she's scared of something, maybe being wrong, if she sees it as so black and white. Like it's her way or the highway, and if she sees five lanes on that thing she's gonna have an existential crisis. I dunno, really I'm just guessing. Anyway you get what I mean.

Yeah. Seer of Love over here.

Still? After the Scratch?

I hope so. Maybe. Feels different actually, now that you mention it.

Maybe a different title, who knows. Don't worry about that right now.

I remember something about a butterfly, with that Buddha thing.

What butterfly? The Lao Tzu thing? The chaos theory bit?

No, although those are relevant too. I was thinking about this quote, from something I read a while ago that stuck with me too… "the child cried out in despair, 'touch me, God, and let me know You are here!" Whereupon God reached down and touched the child… but the child brushed the butterfly away, and walked away unknowingly."

…Man that is heartbreakingly true.

I know. I guess that’s what I try to hold on to, all the time. See God everywhere. He's reaching out all the time.

See, and that's what Christina's not doing to a fair extent. I know she tries too, but she's scared.

Isn't it weird how we're scared of so much light? Like we're afraid we can't handle it, or it'll be too much, or we're afraid of being judged or something. I don't know.

I don't either. I think it's fear of pain, in general.

How so?

…Kid, when I shrugged my walls off, I was bloody terrified. But I knew that I had nothing to gain from it but light, and joy and hope and all that good stuff. But it hurt, because now I was bloody vulnerable, and God knows I am not used to that.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."

Exactly. …Exactly. And that's what I was scared of, even though I knew it would be worth it.

Is it just… misplaced fear then? Expecting pain or punishment or something, in the one place it wouldn't be?

Maybe. How about you? Why are you scared to listen to your heart? That's what I wanna know. And I don't mean literally-- okay wait, yeah, I do want to know that. Both answers. Give 'em here, kid.

Heh, okay. I… the second one is because of hacks.

So I figured. But why are they going there? Because of the first bit, probably.

Fear of love?

Is that what it is? Sheesh, kid, how'd that happen?

…Proximity to hacks is all.

Ah, I see…

Yeah, it's kind of obvious when I point it out.

Yeah it is.

Fear of hacks is all. Fear of love through its proximity to pain. Fear of vulnerability because that means that other people can get in, and tear me to freaking shreds if I'm not careful. Same as you.

…Yeah.

We're scared of opening up because we know some people WILL take advantage of us that way. But you know what? Forget it, we have to be vulnerable anyway, it's the only thing we can do.

Can't love at all if we don't, and then they win, which ain't gonna happen.

Haha, exactly! So we have to be vulnerable, because that's what love is, it's openness to everything. It's that quote I love so much. "Be soft. Don't let the world make you hard. Don't let pain make you hate. Don't let the bitterness steal your sweetness…"

Kid, that's beautiful, you need to get that tattooed on your arm or something so we never forget it.

Hehe, maybe. Maybe.

I'm serious. Write it on your wall. Put it on a shirt. Hang it above your bed. Just… remind yourself of that, always. All of us.

Geez, you're really fervent about this?

Of course I am, that's my role, I've gotta be concerned about this. I can't protect people at all if I've got a hard heart, closed off to my emotions and theirs too. If I'm not open, if I'm not able to understand them, and I don't mean intellectually, that only goes so far-- listen, kid, if I'm not listening to my heart, then I'm a failure as a protector. Then I'm a failure as a knight in shining armor. And I'd cash in my helmet.

Laurie, don't do that.

Why not? If I'm that closed off, the helmet's not gonna work for me anyway.

…

But I won't, kid. I don't ever plan to. Think of it as my constant reminder, to not lock up ever again. How about you?

Huh?

What's your reminder, kid? Do you have one? Besides the quote? What about physical stuff, a totem, to bring that to mind? What about people? Besides me. You have anyone left who reminds you that love bears all things, love is patient love is kind, so on and so forth? Anyone around who breaks down your walls and doesn't leave you scared and bleeding in the process?

…Isn't that weird, how there's such a dichotomy? That you can break down walls to hurt and heal?

It's all in the intention, kid. Intention is key.

Is it?

…I would think so.

Sometimes it's not enough.

No. No it's not. Sometimes good intentions are a one-way ticket to hell. Elevator shaft straight down, just freakin' drop, don't even wait around.

Yeah.

You know what I mean.

…But there's dichotomy there, too.

Kid, I don't mean bloody mistranslations. I mean using people. I mean ABUSING people for your own selfish ends, I don't care how the heck you do it. If someone is acting on their own hedonistic motives, or malevolent intentions, EVEN if they lie to themselves about it, then it's wrong. "Good intentions" my axe. You can sugar-coat that poison all you want, it's still dragging you down to the morgue with it.

…Who, me or the abuser?

The abuser. To literal hell with their "good intentions." They're the one who's going to pay for it in fire. You, kid, are going to end up with pain and scars and nightmares, that I sadly know, but it is not going to define you. Not unless you let it. So DON'T. It is NOT your fault.

You're getting preachy. Am I doing that bad?

I get preachy when I'm worried about you, kid. I try to drill this all into your head. Is it working?

Yeah. If only because you're saying it with such ardor and love, even if you won't admit that outright.

Don’t need to. If it shows itself clear enough without words then my work is done.

Hm.

So remember that.

Which part?

All of it, kid, but I was referencing the part about not needing words to say the truth. Back we go to the question you never freakin' answered, not completely.

Listening to my heart, right.

Yeah. …Kid, when did that get so bad?

What?

The association. The… shoot, you know what I mean. Having that become an almost-instant hack button.

…I don’t know. Too long ago. It's depressing.

Don't slip on me kid, stay here.

I can't tell what's real or not.

Forget the dictionary definition of "real," kid.

"Actual rather than imaginary…"

Forget that stuff, like I said. Reality is broader than the observable world.

Hey, definition #1 is better.

What is it?

"True; not merely ostensible, nominal, or apparent."

See? Truth and knowledge are two different things.

It would be disastrous to confuse them.

Classic L'Engle right there, right on. But yeah. Truth goes deeper than what's on the surface. I would know.

Yeah, you're it's Knight up here.

…That kind of makes your role really bloody tragic if you use it wrong, doesn't it.

…Use it wrong?

…Kid, I think I know what your problem is. You're afraid of your heart because it doesn't judge. It's TOO bloody soft. It's getting torn to bits. You're letting it get shredded because you do see love in everything, but you look so far past the surface sometimes that you forget you're still living in a world where darker motives do come into play. You let people use you because you're afraid of not seeing love in saying "no."

…That's a twisted mindset.

It is. Love doesn’t mean blind accommodation. Love doesn't mean saying "yes" to everything, not in that indiscriminate way. Accept what cards you're dealt, surrender to the greater reality of things, but freakin' don't kill yourself in the process!! Surrender doesn’t bloody mean giving up, or giving in-- it means knowing when to stop fighting back tooth and nail because you're only scratching yourself up in the process. Calm down, get a grip, take aim, and THEN get the heck out of there because staying is NOT love if you're not loving yourself too.

…

It's not, kid.

Everything is.

Ultimately, yeah. But you're scared as shade, kid. Listen, I don't understand this 100% either. No one can. All I know is that it is not right for you to keep not fighting back because you think resistance isn't love. Kid there are two different definitions of resistance in this game.

It's so confusing, Laurie.

What are you so afraid of? Why don't you protect yourself, kid, why do you always bloody give in?

I don't, I don't want them using me or Infi like that!!

Then why don't you stick around? Listen, Jay, I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying if you WERE there for a few moments today, BEFORE Infi had an existential crisis, why the heck didn't you say anything??

…Because it was him.

…And you don't think he's capable of being hacked?

I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Kid, you said yourself you knew it wasn't him.

I doubted myself. I didn't… Laurie, I don't trust my own judgment on being able to tell if what's happening to me is good or bad, or right or wrong.

Don't be so freaking black and white then, if it confuses you so badly. Think, "is this going to harm someone?" If yes, get the heck OUT of there. If no--

How do I know if it will harm someone?

Kid, for heaven's sake, LOOK at you. You're in pain, you're scared, you're baffled and bleeding. If you were in a worse place now you'd be considering suicide, or worse. I would know. I've seen you at your worst.

…With a knife to my throat, huh.

Yeah. Me too.

…Laurie, don't bring that up…

Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you like that.

No, you didn't scare me, you just…

I just broke your heart, didn't I.

Yeah.

…Sorry, kid.

I know. It's okay.

…The reasons why we were pushed that far aren't okay, though.

No, they're not. I mean they shouldn't be.

Kid, are you so bloody concerned about the big picture that you are incapable of seeing things as harmful to you??

…Yes? Aren't they? Not harmful I mean?

…J, listen… in the big picture, sure, your soul is fine. No scars on that when it's all said and done. What other people do to you doesn't mar what matters, ever, and thank God for that. But on the other hand, your body is freakin' bleeding, kid, figuratively as well as literally, and I say that if you can get through life without that then for heaven's sake, please do.

…Is that better?

What, to get through life without pain like that? Well yeah, kid, what the heck do you think I'm trying to accomplish for you here? You're not capable of protecting yourself yet, not with this mindset, but so help me I'm not going to stop until you are. And even then I'll be backing you up on it. Okay?

Okay.

No really, you understand what I said? You need to stand up for yourself, kid. You NEED to stop letting people abuse you AND the people you love because you're scared of being wrong in a moral sense. Kid, there is a fine line there, and you are crossing it.

Laurie I don't want them to hurt Infi. Ever again. I'm sorry.

Then why the heck didn’t you say anything?

When? When I realized it? Because I didn't trust myself, I told you that--

No, no, that's not what I mean. What I mean is that, if you love him that bleeding much, why didn't you take that chance? If you KNEW there were precedents to this, were you really that willing to be wrong?

I was that willing to be right. I… Laurie, I don't… I don’t want hacks anymore. I wanted to believe that maybe whatever was happening wasn't… I'm sorry.

I know, kid. I'm sorry for pushing the issue. I'm just freaking baffled as to why this keeps repeating.

Should we get Infi in here?

Heck no, it's 1 in the morning, you need to get some sleep. We'll talk to him tomorrow maybe. Tomorrow's church, too, maybe there'll be some synchronicity there.

I miss synchronicity.

You notice when it last happened? When everyone was together. Tear the System apart, and boom, suddenly everything freakin' fragments.

I'm sorry.

Kid, I'm not blaming you-- oh hey, look at the numbers, haha.

…Aha, wow. Page 11, Sec 1, 11/11.

Hot dang. And we were just talking about synchronicity.

Okay, that punched a few walls down.

Good! Now do you believe me about not compromising your integrity, kid?

Is that what it's about?

It's about not justifying abusive actions by lack of action is what I say it is. Lynne said that once, I think. "I feel my lack of action is reprehensible enough." Not saying you're reprehensible, but really, kid, we could have a lot less hacks if you'd stand up for yourself every once in a while.

It's hard. I don't know why. Somewhere along the line it became difficult.

…Look, kid, it's late, and I know you're getting tired. Do you want to call it quits for now?

Maybe. I just don't want to end this on a bad note. I believe you. My heart believes you, I can feel it. Is that good?

It's great, kid. Thanks.

Mm-hm. Tell Infi I'm sorry and that I love him.

You tell him.

…Okay. I will. …I love you too, Laurie. Thanks for talking me down a bit.

Sure thing kid, I'm always here if you need someone to do that.

…So are we calling it quits now?

If you want to.

Feels like a cliffhanger though.

Maybe it is.

So… stand up for myself, because I deserve love too, I deserve to be safe from malice, and people shouldn't abuse other people so don't pretend that's okay because it's not, even if…

Even if what?

…Even if I'm supposed to be abused?

Kid, what the heck, NO one is "supposed" to be abused--

Maybe I have to learn a lesson from it. I don't know.

--Is that why you keep falling back into this mindset? You're convinced the abuse is ordained by God.

…Isn't it?

...Shoot, kid, I don't know. I don't know already. All I know is that it breaks my heart to see you like this and you're not learning anything from all the pain as far as I can tell.

I'm learning now. I'm learning from you.

Kid, I'd say this to you if you were all rainbows and butterflies or if you were drowning in a mire. I'm gonna be there to pick you up and drag you out of whatever shadowy trap you get stuck in. Okay? And when you're happy I'm gonna make absolutely sure that your happiness is genuine, and then I'm going to join in because heck, life's too short to mope around. You know?

Yeah.

So that's what I'm trying to do here, hilariously. Talk you out of feeling you deserve this pain somehow.

It's not so much 'deserving' as it is 'needing.'

And why the heck do you "need" to be abused? And don't say "to learn," you can learn a whole lot more through things that AREN'T abusive. Just count 'em, they outnumber the "abuse lessons" by a freaking billion. I checked.

…That is true.

See? Now I'm not saying that you don't learn from pain, but… really, J, there are better ways to do it.

I'm running in circles.

Yeah. You are.

It's silly, when I realize it. I keep insisting I learn from abuse. But I learn the same awful things over and over. Over and over and over. And I bleed and I cry and I pray for death and then you show up, and we have this same conversation in how many different ways, and then I'm like "oh okay I just learned something" when really, I think the abuse is making me FORGET and you're just a blessed reminder of what I blinded myself to.

…Shoot that makes sense.

It does. And I think THAT'S what I was supposed to learn tonight. I can feel it.

Yeah. I think it is too.

You okay?

Just tired is all, ironically. But I'm happy to see you with your head straight on your shoulders again. Also, why the heck are you asking me if I'm okay?

Common courtesy?

Psh, haha. Fine, I'll roll with that. You okay?

Essentially. Big picture, yeah. Little picture, yes. Sad about what just happened, heartbroken over Infi, but okay in the long run. I always am.

I know, kid. Listen, it's 1AM and I… I don't know, does Infi react well to seeing you after this sort of thing?

…I don't know. Maybe. He seems too unconditionally forgiving not to. I think he's just scared of hurting me, which is why he waits for me to come to him, if at all.

Hm. Makes sense.

So I will. Even if I don't say anything. I love him and I am so sorry this happened.

This happened because you love him, though, ironically.

Is that bad?

No, what's bad is that your love was taken advantage of. The fact that you love him is not bad at all, and never will be. Okay? Promise me you won't forget that.

Do I?

In reverse. You forget that other people loving you is a good thing, sometimes. And that's when you cut yourself off from the world, pretend you have no feelings, all that nonsense.

Cherubim don't have feelings.

Don't quote Proginoskes at me, not when Infinitii is the closest thing we've got to him, not when Infi doesn't emote a bloody thing but you know he's not an emotionless void. You know exactly what I mean.

…

Maybe cherubim don’t have feelings. Love ain't a feeling. But the point is, you're not a cherubim. If you do have feelings, just let them happen, don't go hating them, that's just making it worse.

I don't 'hate ' them, I just… dislike… it's tiring. They tire me out.

Then go the cherubim route. Love stuff. Love the emotions, just let them be. S'all I can recommend, really.

Yeah. We're kind of getting off topic.

How?

We're trying to put truths into words that we already know, truths we already know I mean, and confusing ourselves.

Haha, no kidding, kiddo. It's what I said, don't get so hung up on words.

…Aaaah there's the synchronicity again.

Yeah, wow, that was a punch to the face.

Straight to the heart, more like it.

Sounds like you need to call this quits?

Yeah. Before someone else gets triggered by my grandmother being up.

Don't pay attention to that, it's not important. Just close this up, and go talk to him. Or something.

Wink nudge cough?

Haha, not this time. Not with him. I can't joke about you two when you're like this.

…

Wow those lyrics are synchronistic.

Wow is right. I mean, I'm used to the universe being loud, but wow.

The universe is using a megaphone tonight, eh?

Yeah. A couple of 'em. Wow.

Heh. Glad to hear it, actually. It's been a while.

It has. But this is what you meant, what I meant, about not doubting things. That was LOUD, figuratively so. That was a straight-up punch to the face of "hey man! This is important stuff! Here's some advice and reminders and emotionally devastating significance!" And if I turned a blind eye to this, like I've been doing a lot lately, which is stupid… if I ignored this, said "it's nothing, just a coincidence"--

I'd freakin' slap you in the face if you said that, and I'm serious. That's garbage talk.

It is. Which is my point too. It's not a coincidence. It means something. And I'm going to listen.

Good. Now you need sleep like fifteen minutes ago.

Yes. My boss is probably waiting for me. He reminds me of good things in the world too. So do you. And Infi. Everyone does.

Just be careful, kid.

I know. But I think I understand better now. I'm in a better place mentally.

Good. Now seriously, J, go get some sleep.

I will. Fatigue is crushing me.

I'm aware of that.

See you in the morning?

Sure thing.

Love you, Laurie.

Love you too, kid. 'Night.

 

 

oct 26

Lots of important stuff today, good heavens. Let me write down the important stuff first.

- First off, THIS HAPPENED last night, it is relevant so there you go.

 

- There was a "hack" this morning, if you can call it that, since we usually reserve that term for Julie's efforts. However, J REALLY slipped, and Infi is aware of that. However, since everyone was incredibly vigilant this morning, surprisingly, that painful experience triggered a lot of new awareness, since we were actually paying very close attention to every little detail this time.
The most important realization was this: J's very function PREVENTS him from being conscious in those situations! We didn't know that up to this point, but it explains why every attempt to fix or stabilize him fails disastrously-- he doesn't need to be fixed, and we're all getting confused because we're dealing with different people every time. On that note, if you readers didn't know-- yes, in our System he CAN dissociate in headspace. Our System is internally based after all. Only the bloodline fronters seem to do this though; when other voices slip, it's a result of energy confusion or bleedover, not an actual identity split.
So when J suddenly stopped acting like J, Laurie stepped in and took charge. Since J was in a mostly-energetic form at the moment, she literally reached into that, and pulled out whoever this split person was. Well, the person she removed had red hair and eyes, and although he looked different, the first name on our minds was Eros. That guy's been a 50/50 threat since he came into existence last December, and when he disappeared we were all wondering what happened. See, J has to stay separate from the things Eros holds, as they stand in total opposition to his function. So having the two of them unknowingly share a body was just a disaster.
After that, the memory is extremely fuzzy. J cannot access it, and we do not know who stored it. Infi remembers most of it but he won't elaborate. All we know for sure is that, after everything settled down, J "showed up" and said he had no idea what had just happened. That is when Infi declared the second paragraph here (J himself isn't damaged, he's just tangled), but then the body fell asleep so recall is also mangled thanks to that.

 

- We were right all along; J is NOT the default fronter now, even after the reset attempts, and there are a LOT more than two people who cycle that role during the day. Since we've been paying a lot of attention to it for a while as well, and today there was some notable clarity, our tentative knowledge of the people who typically front is as follows:

 

 

• J (white hair and eyes). He is the observing inner consciousness, but he is not tied to the body. Ironically, although he is unmistakable when he fronts, it is notoriously difficult to tell when he's not fronting due to everyone assuming he's in charge downstairs as well. A rule of thumb is that he's very childlike; his central tenet is innocence.
• Jay (brown hair and eyes?) He is NOT the same as the above guy. We're still trying to pinpoint him actually, but he has no trouble fronting in the body as long as dysphoria does not become an issue-- then he gets kicked. He's eccentric but relaxed, preferring to keep to himself. He seems to be somewhat "cut off" from upstairs, meaning he is likely anchored on the downstairs level. He also appears to be the "default" fronter, instead of J. We are also NOT SURE if he is tied to "Jayce" at all? But we haven't seem him interact with a reflection yet, so.
• Jewel (brown hair and eyes). She still wears her backwards baseball cap and Klonoa-styled hair. Her age is still unknown; although she appears around 13-14, she often gives her age as either "12" (her original, most stable age) or "16," possibly because 2006 was the last time she was actively able to front in the body. She's always optimistic and loves life, but she finds it incredibly difficult to interact with other people due to her internal roots.
• The Autopilot, who does have a corporeal form: it's a cyborg, all white plating and black wiring, with red accent lights and eyes. It doesn't have a "personality," but it IS self-aware, although it refuses a "self,' if you can grasp that concept. It gained its "overlay" form (the personal physical appearance that a fronter projects "over" the body; they're not necessary but they are helpful, also they do not need to also exist in headspace) when it fronted for several days in early July, during the first massive reset when Infinitii was temporarily dead.
• An unnamed female voice, who is only triggered by 'casual' social interaction. She's been around for years, possibly being born at our first job, and she causes us a lot of trouble because she is almost entirely automated, without any "personality." As a result we think she's a splinter, not a headvoice, and we're going to try and either reprogram or dissolve her.

 

There are likely others, but these are the only ones we are sure of.
Also, it still seems to stand that any Leagueworld fronters have NO "SELF," as that severely interferes with Link function. League work usually occurs with marked dissociation, but no fronter-- meaning the body is running on automated programs during that time. This can be very dangerous, which is why we are trying to fix programming, or at least put ourselves in safe situations where harmful automated functions would not be available.

- It appears that, if two headvoices from different levels are trying to front, they CAN co-front to an extent, since they are operating in different respects (typically downstairs voices stay in the body, upstairs voices stay in headspace). This is interesting and offers new possibilities that we may be able to use to our advantage.

- The "underground" (Tar level) headvoice that has been tormenting David has been revealed. Her name is Sharona. She is an adult woman, which is unusual. She has long black hair and shocking blue eyes, which is noteworthy, as Julie also has blue eyes and this may be playing havoc on the BLUE slot upstairs. In any case, Jeremiah and Mulberry have taken a specific stand against her for the sake of protecting the children.

- I just remembered, we were doing the laundry earlier and Jeremiah suddenly fronted? That was surprising; it's very rare for headvoices to spontaneously front as their functions are mostly internal. Apparently, my grandmother owns this really fuzzy blue sweater, and Jeremiah saw it and showed up immediately, cuddling it up to his face for a while. Apparently it was the "perfect sort of sweater" in his opinion, which is good to hear actually, as he's very picky with clothing due to not feeling "safe" in most of it.

 

- Knife, Laurie and I (J) were trying to talk to Christina for a while this evening. Laurie was right; she is scared. She was trying to explain the whole "Jesus died for your sins" thing to Knife, due to his 'atonement' role, but he was struggling with that concept apparently? Then at some point he let it slip that he was a vampire and she freaked out. Knife was confused (as usual when that happens), but so was Christina, because Knife wears a cross, and those are usually used to repel vampires down here in the physical world. Anyway I have no idea what else they talked about, all I know is that Laurie was standing further down the hall from where Christina was (she was in some sort of small chapel; it felt like it was underground), and the two started talking. Knife asked Laurie if he should stop wearing a cross, because he didn't want to casually wear a Christian symbol if he didn't identify with that, and that's when I showed up because I clearly heard that line and decided to speak up. So I phased in and told him that Hosea, a character from Hokthai, wears a cross because he sees its ties to the Jesus act as a reminder of "someone who loved humanity so much that they were willing to die to save it." However, we all had a bit of trouble with the idea that humanity was "inherently bad," in the original sin idea, so we were discussing this again when Christina stuck her head out the door and grumpily asked us why we were there. Now that's when we all started talking to her, but you'll have to forgive me because my memory is awful and I don't know most of what we talked about. I do know that she was mad at us because we all have qualities she views as "wrong" somehow: Laurie swears and "isn't a boy or a girl," Knife is a vampire, and I'm apparently a "homosexual" (which is a common but not entirely untrue misconception). Of course Laurie kept trying to get her to explain her views on this, but Christina essentially refused to question things too much, as she viewed us as "devils tempting her," trying to get her to "lose her faith." To that Laurie specifically said that no, she was trying to get her to "expand it." She could have a much more inclusive, open-eyed faith if she would stop refusing to consider other facets of things. But Christina's fear won out and she said no. Again, we talked for a while, but we didn't give up and leave until Laurie somehow ended up mentioning Julie, and Christina got stuck in this bizarre moral complex, saying that it was wrong for Julie to rape people because that was "abusing the gift of sexuality" (which Laurie was actually thankful she said; it meant that I couldn't try to convince myself that being abused was a "good thing" out of my own fears, if Christina of all people disagreed)... but then she said that Julie was doing the better thing in "trying to cure me of my homosexuality," and although she couldn't justify the rape with that, she couldn't completely condemn her either. At this Laurie literally threw her hands in the air and said "that's it, we're done," and left without another word basically. She knows when to stop! Anyway after we left we all agreed that we were going to stop having such spiritual/ religious talks with Christina because, really, we were doing the same thing we wanted her to stop doing: trying to convince people to change their opinions to what we wanted. As a result we all decided to let her do her own thing, unless she started actively harming people, then of course we'd have to step in. But no more controlling, even in indirect ways. That's not good.
Oh, and I almost forgot: at one point Laurie asked her if she was trying to convert everyone because she cared about them, or because she cared about everyone having the same beliefs as her? Would she still care about us if we weren't Christians? I don't remember if she answered that; she seemed really conflicted over it, especially with how "morally corrupt" she saw the three of us as, for different reasons.

 

- Lastly, most importantly maybe, Waldorf managed to FINALLY anchor back into headspace today! Josephina (who has been unstable but at least he's not dying) was ecstatic to see her of course, so that was great. Wally is seriously considering moving back into the Central BLUE slot if at all possible, since she misses us and really, she could hold that role really well if only we could fix the inherent instability in the Blue slot (same with Pink obviously). So we'll work on it. We missed her a lot.

- No wait, on that note, I forgot to mention why we're so worried about Sugar right now. Besides notable inner instability, the biggest warning sign that a headvoice is slipping into demanifestation is that people tend to forget them. Like they actually "slip" out of awareness. Before Waldorf left Central last year (as she was slipping too badly at the time to stay), we kept "accidentally" leaving her out of headspace lineups, forgetting that the Blue color existed at all, stuff like that. Major warnings that we couldn't believe were happening. And it's happening now, with Sugar. Although we're all aware of her, in therapy she often gets excluded from lineups, which is bizarre, and lately I've been forgetting her color slot. Which, again, is freaky, because I know full well what it is, but it's the present knowledge that falters when someone starts to slip. Thankfully we're at least now able to tell that she IS being "hacked" by faceless people, in that they are literally using her like parasites thanks to her energy being so close to theirs, so we can drag her out when we catch it. And thanks to that, her internal form IS becoming more clear and stable. Turns out there is a faceless voice that took on a temporary form that looked almost IDENTICAL to her, except it was brown in color. I daresay that sounds familiar? (We were vaguely suspecting of such an individual over a month ago). AND that weird faceless voice that seems to be protecting the Spectrum room has latched onto the idea of holding a Pink slot, thanks to us talking to it about it... problem is it has become fond of Sugar's slot, specifically, which isn't good as she's already in it! That needs to be fixed, we don't need it being stolen. So we'll continue to be vigilant about her.

- Oh wait. Forgot to mention this too because it felt too much like "nothing changed at all."
CHAOS IS BACK IN HEADSPACE, AND HIS COLOR CHANGED.
I am dead serious, he's something like this starry dark blue it is CRAZY. Also I think his name changed in headspace at least? Like with Ryman and Markus and Genesis. And that makes me wonder; I think that NEEDED to happen. He was the only one out of our original group who didn't fix their manifestation in that sense, so this was surprising but not unexpected if that makes sense.
Anyway, I didn't get to talk to him yet. Not much, I know I saw him talking to Laurie and I said a few words but I don't remember that sadly. All I recall is being unable to access any memory of him again, and Laurie said maybe we just need to get to know each other again? Like just be friends and spend time together without any preconceived notions. Chaos smiled and said he was perfectly fine with that. So we'll see on that too.


That's it for tonight; battery is about to die again so we need to call it quits for now.
Tomorrow is Sunday, with the NNWM thing that we're honestly not sure if we can pull off: writing books is beyond the abilities of most of us as we don't think that way; plus we have no idea what "normal people" live like... but thankfully we don't write about "normal people" when we do, so that's a slight relief, haha. In any case we did sign up, so we'll have to deal with it the best we can. Here's hoping there's no social fronter interference though; being in a group of people like that usually causes instant dissociation. We might have to rotate people, who knows.
In any case, no use worrying about it. Let's just give it a shot and see how it goes.
See you tomorrow evening, let's hope!