44

 

We pinpointed two 'newer' voices today.

One: the "screaming" one Jezebel kept overshadowing. Turns out, the real one is just desperately overwhelmed, and hates the world because of it. This voice is female, with very straggly hair and wild eyes, but she's not disheveled: she seems more like a panic attack personified, all needles and boiling nerves and racing thoughts. She came out a few times today (she has been VERY loud the past few days and today we just let her through), starting when we were driving home from an errand and some guy in front of us had a souped-up car that was spewing fumes. The smell made her so furious that she burst into fronting with a desperate "f*ck you!!" before starting a tirade on how everything was wrong around us-- the sounds were too loud, the smells were too strong, the colors were all wrong-- she was so distraught by every bit of sensory input around her that she was torn between screaming and sobbing. J (I think? feels slightly different) kept telling her to calm down and "think happy thoughts," doing everything he could to soothe her, but she was inconsolable and as a result we don't remember most of the afternoon.

Two: some adult male that doesn't feel quite human, that J is calling "knife" temporarily. Why? Because "Razor" was named after her trigger weapon, too. We'll elaborate on that later, though... that ties into a lot of information that we don't have the time to type right now. All we have to say about this voice for now is that he is bizarre; he doesn't feel "bad," just disturbing... and the fact that he keeps calling J his "baby boy" while literally sawing his sternum open is no less unsettling.


As for the 44, that is our tentative total of individuals in headspace. As we were tallying only 19 just a month ago, this is quite a shock.
That is our biggest bit of news, and since Central is still locked and the body is falling apart as we speak, we felt it was only fitting to post the full lineup here, in lieu of any substantial updates.
Here are the current totals:

10 CENTRAL HEADVOICES:

7 OUTSPACERS:

 4 UNDERGROUNDERS:

7 OTHER NAMED VOICES: (+Minty) (+Spinny) (+Autopilot)


>16 NONCORPOREALS: listed as follows.
-- emotionally dead male; often comes out in abusive situations. feels nothing, will let anyone do anything to him. only reactions are eye aversion and silent crying. disturbingly hard to remove from fronting.
-- another apathetic one; knows headspace is real but refuses to acknowledge it/ wants it gone. gender unknown; there may be two.
-- two promiscuous, abusive women (don't front). one has long brown hair, other has long blonde hair. both are adults. they are mercilessly abusive but "don't want to get caught"
-- an unidentified "dangerously promiscuous alter" mentioned once online; may be one of the former two. I have no actual memories of this one.
-- super logical one, doesn't understand emotion: "that reaction made no sense." analyst, finds inconsistencies. fronted for an entire therapy appointment once.
-- young male child, terrified of femininity, esp. being touched, approached, or spoken to by women. stutters. whimpers a lot, high pitch whine. once badly triggered by women's shoes. scared of being a "bad boy"? at one point he was oddly linked to kyanos before he reset.
-- young female child, only fronted once and passed out from expectant fear and panic: she was resting on the bed, grandmother in room, kept thinking "I'm going to die"
-- punk rocker girl: born from rock band maybe? whoops and yells, always excited. sings loudly to everything. amazing musician too, wrote most of 2008 fl stuff? may co-front with the art/writing one(s), check mitchell for proof.
-- teenage "romantic" girl. histrionic, obsessed with romance as an idea, can't actually hold physical relationships. uses pet names, very dramatic. dated jacob.
-- "perfect girl," made for jobs and pleasing people. speaks programmed phrases. smiles a lot, no comprehension of 'problems.' makes lots of plans and promises but won't commit to anything? can't express individuality: will freeze or shut down if asked to. possibly tied to romance girl, maybe a splinter of her.
-- another girl who hates relationships and sexuality, wants to kill/hurt anyone related to it. first appeared in college. MIGHT be tied to razor/jezebel?
-- whiny, self-pitying, complainer girl. old jess?
-- gent. mostly composed, perpetually amused, loves adventure. still rather undefined; can bleed into next two
-- maverick. wants to experience world, dislikes mundane life. motivator but chill. likes to sing. very rare fronter
-- queen. speaks with lisp. criticism and sarcasm, but with a "don't take it so seriously " undertone. somewhat prissy
-- adult male, has severe body dysphoria, to the point of emotional breakdowns.


Understandably, the inner world is in a state of havoc right now, what with all the swirling energy of so many individuals, and the pain it inevitably carries from the sparks of their existence.
Nevertheless we will persevere as long as we are able.

That is all we have the time to say tonight. The body has been feeling extremely sick so we need sleep.

 

061313

(this is j!!)

I'm so sorry for updating this late, but I'm caught between laughing and crying, and I have to write this down even if it is only for a moment.

I'm reviewing old logs here to try and remember what we've lost, and I'm listening to this, and that must be some sort of magic formula because whoosh, suddenly I'm feeling things and I miss everyone.
I love everyone, and I miss everyone, but I can't reach anyone.
It feels as if I'm not supposed to. Not yet, at least. I hope so. It's strange, to be this empty and alone.
I'm content, though. I'm the one that thinks happy thoughts, haha. Few other people do. There's a lot of panic and fear and pain up here, which I understand, but beneath it all I can see the lights. That's what I'm here to be, a light for those stumbling about in the darkness of the past. I just hope I can be bright enough! But I have no doubt in that.

Jewel and I are starting to work on Dream World again together, which needs a new title. I'm doing typecode work (at least, the more logical part of me is), and she is doing the art. We can't find the idea brainstormer yet, but we're trying on our own nonetheless.
It's strange, that we've become so finely splintered over the years. I can't help but wonder why.
Although, I'm not the one who's good at wondering like that! I'm too content, too happy, to fuss over details of that sort. Let's deal with the present, I say. Let's deal with what we're feeling right now. Let's calm down the heartbroken voices and soothe their rage, that's what I say. If we can do that, maybe we don't need to worry about the past at all.
We'll see. I'm not claiming I know it all. I'm just a poet, just a prism boy. I scatter rainbows around up here, but that's just one job in the big ol' System we have going on, you know?

AP (or whoever that was; didn't feel like AP, but maybe ze has fractures too?) said there were 43 people up here besides me. I'm sure there are, but I have this nagging feeling that there are more. I will need to make a list! I like lists, they're fun. Hence why I'm on typecode duty, haha. Jewel isn't good at that sort of thing, she's too busy doodling in the margins. Which is good!
Note to self, by the way: talk to Preludove, if you can. I'd need to do so in a dreamstate but she did offer to help, so it is worth a try! I think Jewel and I are the only ones who can contact her though, but since I don't get to front very often and Jewel doesn't like to enter headspace, ever, we haven't attempted to do so yet. I'm not sure it's the right time either. But keep it in mind!

Anyway, it's late, and I need sleep (we all do). I don't want to upset anyone by staying up any longer either, so I will be calling it quits for the night.

It was nice being able to talk to you all again! Hopefully we'll have some better news soon. I'm sure everything will work out.

 
 

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@ 12:22 pm

 

The grandmother needs to realize that some alters don't understand sarcasm. She approached us after finding blood on our bedsheets, and said:

"So where'd you cut yourself now? Go on, keep it up; you'll get blood poisoning and die!"

To which Razor and her underground allies only grinned and exchanged devious glances.

It's going to be a long month if this keeps up...

 

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@ 01:14 pm


Dream notes for this morning:

(college inside old elementary school; people kept saying i was from poland, so i was talking with a really strange european accent. i remember there was a class in the church basement, the teacher called me out on something, i think i was in trouble?

later on in dream, driving down some road with family, top of hill-- could see city below. resembled intersection by green bridge in avc regardless. i was in the back seat, looking at a paper i had drawn, covered in chest-up sketches of some woman.
she had long black hair, but it was silky and piled like a disney character. i think she had blue eyes? otherwise all i know is that she was wearing a simple spaghetti strap dress (black?) and, oddly, a necklace with a large pendant of jessica rabbit on it.
as i looked at this paper, i became aware that this woman was a HEADVOICE of some sort, and that she was "the one that had tried to get rid of the rest of us" (assumedly the one from june 1st??). That realization freaked me out because it meant that this cartoonish-looking woman was potentially the most dangerous person upstairs. I think I put the paper aside after that, but I know I woke up shortly after regardless.