061213

 

I know it's almost 2AM. I don't care. I want to write this down.

It's very rare that I'll become overwhelmed with emotions so honest and quiet and real that I can only describe them as heartbreaking, even if they're beautiful beyond the capacity of language to express, and beyond the capacity of my heart to bear without shattering into sobs.

It's even rarer that those emotions are directed towards Laurie.


She wants me to sign off for the night and go talk to her. I won't say no. I can't. Especially not like this.

"Ameno Dorime" keeps playing in my head.
Dori me interimo, adapare, dori me...
Strangely fitting, really.

She's getting impatient. I just had to write this down. I don't want to forget it.
This feels like everything I thought I'd forgotten. It feels like what I lost.
How weird, that it would be through her, no one else.
I can't say I'm surprised at all, though. I've always had a thing for diamonds.

There's something sincere in these echoing hours
that shadows cannot ever touch.

This is so tragically beautiful. How did I forget this?
How could I ever doubt anything like this?

 

 

 

no friends

I never actually had a friend until I was 17 years old, however hard that may be to believe. I had no interactive skills as a child, due to both a troublesome upbringing and a lack of exposure to any real social situations outside of school. So not only did I not know how to talk to people, I also had no reason to feel like I should. I was perfectly happy being utterly alone, as I was unaware of any contrary situation.

 

Then I discovered the internet, and after gaining the guts to join an artistic website, people suddenly began talking to me.
I was a laughable mess at first, as far as communication went. Everything I said and did was mimicry wrapped up in cliches, and more often than not I was simply parroting "what I felt I was supposed to say." Nevertheless, it was strangely nice, to have people actually seeing and treating me as an individual, as someone they actually wanted to interact with.

 

I latched on to about three of those individuals fairly quickly, and, unaware that they did not see me as I saw them, I considered them all my best friends.
Well, actually, it was more than that... they were my ONLY friends, too.
When, one day, I realized that they had other people to talk to besides me, it was a surprise. When I realized that I was not their best friend, it was a shock.
When it hit me that, to them, I was just some random kid on the internet, and that they had tons of friends offline who meant more to them than I ever would...

 

I've still never been anyone's best friend. I can't help but think it would be nice.

 

 

 

061213

I'm trying to type and all I can feel is phantom blood running down my arm. It's seriously freaking me out.
Thanks, weirdly unsettling alter-man that I can't see yet.