kintsugi

 

I've ruined you, haven't I.

You insisted I didn't, but I saw you crack, just for a second. That look of doubt, the awful wondering.
You've been a mess lately, haven't you. Ever since I...

Maybe she ruined me, or at least part of me.
Why can't I fix it?
I miss the days when you were angry with me, but now...

Last night we visited everyone upstairs and I was too torn apart to talk. I think it was about 2AM.
Spine was in shambles. She insisted I didn't care about anyone but myself. She began attacking me, fiercely, angrily. At some point Laurie knocked her back and tar came pouring out of her bones. We fought it for a while, then Leon showed up and stopped it. Spine was left in a heap in the corner, still sick, still scared. Leon had to take her to a cathedral to recuperate. I was scraped out.
Lynne was on the phone with Leon when we walked in, trying to figure out what was going on. Laurie asked her if she'd always had that room, Lynne said it was relatively new, but then added "but you haven't really been around." I thought that was weird, where is Laurie when she's not with me then?
She could tell I had a huge orange block, and started pulling huge clots of black ink from my stomach. I was so terrified of her being anywhere near that energy level that I was shaking, trying not to cry, burying my emotions deeper by the second. Lynne told me not to, that I was only burying myself alive with that darkness. She reiterated that I had a serious problem here. I think she had to stop because I was shutting down.
Lynne also pointed out my flawed black and white thinking. She asked me if she was 'good' or 'evil,' and how would I know? For a minute I was legitimately unsure, she saw this and wasn't happy with it. She said I needed to stop being so absolute, it was destroying me. She asked Laurie why she had slacked off in the discipline department when it came to keeping me on track. When Laurie sputtered that she couldn't quite hurt me like that anymore, and rhetorically asked Lynne if she could, she actually considered it, and it frightened me. There was a strange anger in her for a moment, but she suddenly caught it, realized some of the tar had stuck to her. Laurie tried to cut it out but Lynne told her to stop: "I can't respawn like he does." I don't know why that felt so ominous.
...That's when I realized I had broken you. Right then, when Lynne asked why you weren't so harsh with me anymore, and your expression betrayed a five-year change that I had somehow been ignorant of. How could I...
Lynne said I hadn't, that you were full of shadows back then. Was that better? Was it worse? I couldn't tell. I don't think you could either.
Josephina was better. He said Laurie had "lied to him" about the hacks, that she was downplaying them in explaining them, I forget why, but the reason made sense. Jo didn't get angry at me, even when Laurie asked him if he could. Maybe the darkness is stuck on Lynne's level.
He reached out and tapped my yellow energy-point, in my abdomen. It felt like ceramic, he said it was practically frozen. I asked how everyone was reaching into my energy field so easily, and he said that being the system anchor I act as a sort of living gauge as to the systems health. He then said that in certain conditions my energy was very easily manipulated, which is why it was dangerous for me to be up late. He broke the yellow block and accidentally overloaded it temporarily, he crystallized an orb of it "for later" with a smile. For a moment my self-respect came back, it was nice.
The few minutes after that weren't. Instead of going to see Nat, Laurie pushed me into a room of unformed white headspace and took out her axe. There was a sick second of fear mixed with excitement on my part before the blade slammed into me like it used to. She was angry. I forget what she was shouting at me, but it was true, albeit brutal. She cut me to ribbons really, but not too long after she started, we both realize I wasn't "respawning." I was finding myself incapable of pulling my pieces back together. Laurie paused, looking completely distraught, and forced me to solidify again. I don't think either of us said anything for a minute after that. We just realized what a terrible mess we were in. We left quietly.
Nathaniel expected us to show up. I vaguely commented that he didn't look "like he used to," he reminded me that he had died several times and then completely switched his color. He said he'd been feeling a lot of imbalances lately, but there wasn't a total green block. There was just a weird 'edge' around it, allowing me to give forgiveness and compassion, but keeping it from really reflecting back in, and the whole color was suffering. I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to love myself all of a sudden, unless I was in third person. I think they mentioned Celebi momentarily. I remembered how I messed that up. Nathaniel told me to come back any time I wanted to, and that he really did care about my well-being.
Waldorf hugged you when you walked in, took her a second to realize I was a mess, she was worried. We asked her how she was still talking with this system upset, she said it was because I had gotten the guts to talk to several people about overcoming my old hurts lately, that assertion was keeping her going. She said I needed to stay honest with myself about that. I was having problems discerning the truth though. Somewhere around here my boss actually showed up, completely unexpected... said he'd talk to us later, Wally saluted him, it was adorable. I was exhausted at this point so we had to move quickly.
We couldn't warp over to Leon's level, figured he was still at a cathedral. Laurie contacted him and he warped down to us, then over to the cathedral together. Spine was still there, didn't look much better. I kept apologizing. We brought her back to her slot and then went to talk to Leon. He said his level was having weird problems, it was dark and shouldn't be. He was having trouble discerning things, we figured it was because the lower levels were somewhat out of whack. Laurie asked him about risks, couldn't we use that to our advantage here, and help me take good risks instead of throwing myself into losing bets? He said he didn't want to treat that sort of behavior lightly, Laurie said that's not what she meant, maybe we could go back to ultimatums and retribution. Neither of them sounded sold on the idea though. I was too hollowed out to care either way.
After this we went to talk to my boss, but I was fading so fast I don't remember that...


I made the stupid mistake of re-reading some old Skype conversations this morning.
Last year, at this time, I was something bright and beautiful and inspirational to them. We dreamed of a future together, all of us, bringing light to the world around us.
She used to say she loved me, that she wanted to spend forever with me.
"You've been feeling the truth... But these demons will do everything they can to try and stop you from seeing it... sometimes you won't be able to see it. And you can't face them alone. But that's why God gave you me."
What happened?
Do I... do I really break my relationships so easily? Am I really that bad with commitment? Am I really that selfish? Why do all my ties to other people end up snapping by my own hands? And why, in some sick way, am I glad that it's over? Why do I need communication and yet I'm terrified of people? I drove you away, I underestimated my own damage, you thought I was a monster. And then one day you realized, maybe you didn't ever really love me at all. The only reason that hurts is because I wonder, how badly did I manipulate you? Am I really that bad of a person?
Why the hell do I care? It's over. It's over, and I need to let go for good.

But, Laurie... God help me, that just breaks my heart, how did I...?


I don't want to go to class today, it's so draining, I am so tired. This is just like 2009. I used to cut class and go hide in the corners of coffeeshops, numb, unable to bear looking at another naked woman for another two hours, unable to bear the screaming in my head from pink and violet the entire day. It would be just me, Genesis, and a green tea latte, talking about our problems over a sketchbook until the sky outside turned dark and I was forced to drive home... God I miss that so much, I swear I could cry just thinking about it. We would wander around campus for hours, sleeping in the rotunda underneath that beautiful painted dome, Abbey humming on my lap, sunlight streaming in behind me. There was the night I stayed in the art room until 11PM, hands covered in pastels, surrounded by empty easels. All those days we spent sitting in the psychology lounge, listening to other peoples conversations, reflecting on that hope-filled quote emblazoned above our heads... the covert visits to the music building, sitting next to the elevator and listening to pianos through closed doors, wandering downstairs and laughing in empty hallways... quiet foggy evenings in the science study room, my favorite place on campus, that tiny cozy spot hidden underneath the stairwell... all of it with you, you golden-blessed creature, what the hell did I do to you? Where are you now? I don't see you much anymore, and I know it's because I kept pushing you away.

I lost my innocence.
I had it stolen from me, and I told myself that it was supposed to happen, so stop fighting back.
After so many years I forgot how to feel and I kept wandering back into the abyss simply because I was used to being dragged there.
Now I'm a wreck, now I can't tell what's up or down, now I can't see straight. Everyone knows I have a problem. But only I can fix it, they say.
I don't think I can fix it without you... but I've ruined you, haven't I.
You used to be this brilliant knight, this indomitable violet rage, my dark and jagged guardian angel. You were perfect.
Then I was enough of a bastard to start breaking your walls. Now look at you.
Why is that such a bad thing, the fact that you don't have the heart to treat me so harshly anymore? Why do I miss the pain? Is that why I'm forcing myself deeper and deeper into disaster? Am I secretly hoping that one day you'll snap, that one day I'll snap, and my bleeding arms will once more hold purpose?
But I don't want to go back to that, ever. I want to be happy, and free of this pain.
I want to be able to sleep at night without being attacked, and no longer caring.
I want to be able to leave the house without seeing danger wherever I turn, and no longer caring.
I hate how the only time I feel fear, the kind that wants to keep me safe, I smother it. Someone gets too close, someone makes a sound, someone looks a certain way, and that sick rush of all-too-familiar panic rises up immediately. Every nerve in me screams to get away, but instead of running, what do I do? I close my eyes and stand there, shaking, telling myself to stop being an idiot and let them do what they want. They have the right idea, not you.
I never ran away before, after all. I couldn't.

I'm not even suicidal anymore. I'm just empty. I just want to die.
There's a light in here somewhere, that I know, but it's having a hard time shining through years and years of accumulated pain.
Why the hell can't I just make it disappear? Isn't that how it's supposed to work? "Only a fool trips on what is behind him." I should be able to just let go of it and keep walking, keep smiling, act like it never happened, it's all fake anyway, it doesn't matter.
But after so many years of trying, it's still happening. It's actually getting worse. What am I doing wrong?

I wish I could go back to sleep, but beds aren't safe anymore either.
God help me I am so tired.



Laurie, I'm sorry.
That sounds insultingly paltry but words don't work to properly communicate the total and overwhelming contrition I feel about this.
Maybe it's not a bad thing, but I'm not good at judging that, as you know. I've had too many things twisted into horrible shapes to recognize them in their natural state anymore.
Maybe it's a good thing that I've worn off your sharpest edges, who knows. I know it's a good thing that you can smile now, and care about everyone else just as much as you cared about me.
But I can't see anything being a good thing when I'm involved. Not me, not this defiled and filthy remnant of a boy here. I'm in tatters, and now you're trying to fix me, before you would just stand there and berate me for getting myself into that situation, then walk away; why do I miss that so much?

It seems that every time I dare to love someone, I ruin them. I've broken all of you in some way, every last one of you. You're all battered and bruised now, because I dared to get close to you, what an absolute demon I am. If I had kept my burning hands to myself none of you would be covered in scars.
Fire isn't something you can mix. You know that. We talked about this. It's why she can't be with me, it's why he can't be with me, it's why nothing stays together. It all falls to ashes. I burn it all away.
But you, God knows you burn just as much as I do, and the thought of hurting you is the most terrifying thing in the world.
I can't get close to you. It would be abominable, an unforgivable sin.
You know this. You warn me, whenever I slip into delusional oblivion and try. You warn me every single time and I still try to force myself by.
You were my angel, for the love of God, you were everything to me even when I'd turn my back on him after so many years. You were the only one who hadn't been marred by my existence.
And then I went and burned it all to the ground.
I am such a heartless idiot.

I've ruined you, haven't I.

 

 

 

 

021913

 

THESE FREAKIN' SYMPTOMS MAN, SERIOUSLY.
I feel like I'm turning into a literal flame at this point, aha. The headaches and heart palpitations and overall funky sensations are nothing to sneeze at either. Ah well. Gotta soldier on.

Anyway. I spent most of today researching for Dream World!
Good gracious I NEED to start putting that stuff online somewhere. I was in tears the other night because I hate the thought that their story is trapped with me, solely because of my ridiculous 5-ish compulsion to "get all the facts straight" before I make any moves. Screw that, man, I seriously just need to start posting things regardless of whether or not I go back and change it all later. I mean geez, Engelbaum went through several stages of development that WERE publicized before settling on the current story. And no one loves it any less as a result!
So I need to take a deep breath and do this ASAP... as soon as I open commissions of course, because I need money for food. Honestly the family is practically running on spare change right now and I've been struggling with too much physiological madness to get medium examples together yet. I should make that my goal for tomorrow. Hold me to that if I don't, seriously.

Speaking of creativity though: I'm back on oneword, thank goodness, as I adore that site. I need to find more "daily creative prompt" sites like that; they're absolute inspiration sparks.
Tweaktoday is practically dead; maybe I can sneak back in and skyrocket up the user rankings, haha. That was fun back in the day.
Heck, maybe I can even invent my own thing. I have an empty Wordpress blog that is just begging to be stuffed full of ideas... oh hey, remember when I was writing snippets on Tumblr about photos I stumbled across? Now that was fun. I think I'll bring that back.

I need to go do another 15 minutes of cardio if at all possible. Last Monday, when these symptoms slammed into me entirely without warning, I was forced to go from 60 minutes cardio to 10. 10! But it was inevitable-- once I hit that mark, my body would suddenly overheat to the point where I swore I had a fever, and I'd get ridiculously shaky. So now I need to break it up during the day. If I don't exercise, I feel utterly awful, in stark contrast to my old exercise reactions of "oh hell now Julie's going to attack me isn't she." Hence why I was out of shape for ages. Now, though, it seems to be doing the opposite? That's good; the more motivation the better.
I do need to get back into weightlifting though; I stopped for a while in January due to the self-abuse resurgence (lifting hurt too much with all those cuts), and then my school schedule ate into my gym time and now I just don't feel so hot. It's ridiculous. I'll try to start that again slowly regardless.

On a related note... I'm sorry to say that tar hacks have been brutal lately. The past three, four days especially have been rather hellish in that respect... Laurie and my boss are trying to help me out but it's tough. We're struggling to pinpoint just how it's getting to me... last night I barely slept at all because of how much we were fighting it (well, mostly Laurie; I was such a wreck I had no strength left to resist). I'm starting to get the old "physical flashbacks" again too, which are scary as hell and are sometimes severe enough to leave me literally incapacitated, curled up in a self-loathing knot and fighting back tears of rage, shame, and terror. This old terror NEEDS to be cleared out, and if Lynne's impromptu attempt to do so last night was any indication, there is a LOT that needs to be healed.
It's not easy to face, on any level, and I will admit it scares the living daylights out of me when it's brought up (because I feel those things), but I'm at that point where the pain of standing still outweighs the fear of moving forward by a lightyear. If I have to drag myself half-dead into this healing light, then so be it. I want it healed.
By the way, we figured out why I'm having trouble with Celebi-- it's simply elemental conflict. She's wood, I'm fire. Her emotional style and mine do not mesh. She adores me and wants to be close, I just don't feel that same level of love for her. I have it all wonderfully worded in an audio file that I need to type up tomorrow... basically, everyone I've known well enough to experience their emotional styles, I can describe in synaesthetic terms. It ties into intuitive sensory perception too-- how I can actually hear and smell auras if I tune in well enough-- and I have been practicing that as well. I have a running document describing everyone's energy upstairs that I REALLY want to upload somewhere... heck, maybe I'll make it a sticky post in the archives, who knows.

Lastly, Chaos and I have realized that there's trouble in our relationship because of my tendency to go "all or nothing" in terms of mostly everything. Through trial and error, we've realized that because my schedule has basically forced me to only see him late at night and in situations almost invariably tinged with romantic emotions, our friendship has been suffering. I've been having a hard time 'tuning in' to him lately, and that is why-- I'm becoming blind to that half of his energy field all of a sudden. We both agree that this is a big problem-- but it explains a lot, mostly why I keep debating whether or not he's "really who he says he is," why everyone's been questioning if I legitimately love Laurie more than I love him, and why we're both reminiscing over the "old days" of being a brotastic teenage gang with Ryou and Marik, but could never figure out our motivations. It all boils down to us simply not spending enough time together, and not communicating enough. I'm just extremely glad we're both aware of this now... I knew our relationship was suffering but didn't even consider that option (due to my thinking style obviously-- Genesis played role of my 'best friend' for ages and I was ignorantly ruling that possibility out for anyone else as a result). So we're working on it now, but it's going to be a bit of a struggle at first, especially with me having the bad habit of flipping over into Trickster Mode whenever I feel that I'm expected to be unflinchingly optimistic and entertaining. I keep reminding myself that Chaos is not the kind of guy that expects that of me, at all, but it's a learned reaction and it's going to take patience and care to dismantle. Love conquers all though, and I have absolute faith that we will get through this. I've been a mess lately, but I want to fix this.
Mignon McLaughlin said that "a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." We may not be legally anything but the truth still stands. I told Xenophon the same thing. Love is always there, but if you're not tuned in to it, you're going to have trouble. I don't like being so out of key and off balance. I will tune back in as many times as I need to, and I will never stop. I'll never lose hope.
It never hurts to remind myself of July 7th, either. There was an undying truth in those moments that has illuminated virtually everything between us since then. Whenever I find myself slipping, I just bring those memories back into my heart. It never fails... reminds me of a verse from 1 Corinthians 13, I daresay. Hey, I even got to lector that reading in mass the other week, talk about a sign!
Nathaniel's words keep coming back to mind though. Maybe this weird love block really is just a result of my currently withholding it from myself, God knows why. Gotta meditate more, practice seeing myself in third person again, get myself back into sync. I'm probably overthinking this as usual... I'm just disturbed at the thought that my nine-year relationship with the individual I love with my entire heart is cracking in places. Then again, that could be a direct result of my trying to be perfect. Ignoring problems and warning signs does nothing for "perfection," dude, it just exacerbates those exact same things-- and don't you have a long and funky history with that word in any case?
Geez. I really am being far too analytical here. Maybe going into poet mode would help, for now. It usually does.
All I know is that tomorrow, I'm going to have to ask Genesis if Chaos can ghost for the day instead. Maybe they can even both hang around, that would be awesome.
...I really haven't spoken to Xenophon in days either. Geez. I really suck at this husband/parent thing, I am so sorry.
I guess you need to figure out where you're stuck in order to figure out how to move forwards, though.


All right, that's enough for tonight. I will leave you with my fave song of the day and bid thee farewell.