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Major crash today, again. Trying to stay afloat but I feel too dead to do anything but sleep.

Why do I keep updating on days like this, you ask. Why do I keep bringing unnecessary attention to my ridiculous state of mind? Why do I keep complaining and griping? Maybe I'm an attention whore, maybe I don't know when to shut up, maybe I'm exaggerating everything, maybe I'm making it all up. I've considered it all before.

Personally, I think it's simply that I still don't know how to let go.
It's difficult though... I have problems with understanding the permanence of things, I think? It's ironic, as I frequently write about the same events here, day after day, but understand that is a symptom of the problem. Every time those problematic events occur, it's as if they were happening for the first time. The past is constantly being rewritten in my mind, fragmented pieces of memories I'm not even sure happened, shoved together into some semblance of personal history based on what I know to exist at that moment. You can see why this causes difficulties.
And yet, the letting go is an issue. I'm not even going to try to justify that, as it's stupid and likely just a result of my laziness. If I wanted to heal from this, I would just acknowledge that it hurt and then go on as if it had never happened, like I did that one night in Utah. Hours upon hours of me talking like a selfish brat, honestly believing that everything had somehow been fixed, and then quickly tripping over the same stupid hole in the road only days later. No wonder they couldn't stand me. To think, how my utter incompetence at dealing with life cost me the only friends I've ever had.
That's idiotic too, how I keep bringing that situation up. I messed up, badly. I know this. I managed to convince two people that they had never really known me, that their idealized images of me as some sort of inspirational paragon were nothing but fantasies. I managed to convince them both that they had never loved me at all. And now I'm too stupid to just turn around and walk away. You screwed up big time, kid, own up to it! Stop obsessing over "what could have been" and get on with it. LET GO OF IT.

...I'm not feeling anything right now either. I haven't felt anything really genuine in a few months. I've been acutely aware of my "programming" and how many of my responses and reactions are automated. I catch myself in the act and stop suddenly, stunned that I had done so much literally unconsciously, and terrified at the notion that THAT is what people used to love about me-- the act, the program, the lie. I don't know.
I miss my "friends" solely because I wish I had people to talk to when I get like this. Then again, they repeatedly expressed how exhausting it was to listen to me, how I didn't care about their schedules, how they didn't have time to hear me babble on for hours. I understand, I really do, but... I guess I just suck at friendship too.
I think Laurie spoiled me. Having someone upstairs who won't put up with your garbage BUT will still dedicate every bloody second of their time to you is really... not something you find downstairs, unfortunately. Also keep in mind that I may not talk to or even see her for days on end, entirely without explanation, and when I come back I act as if nothing had happened. She's often furious at how long I was gone, but it boils over quickly enough. I need LOTS of space like that. Unfortunately, so far the people who are willing to give me huge amounts of their time are not willing to let me 'disappear' for equally huge amounts of time, typically unannounced. And I understand that too, perfectly. I'm not an easy person to deal with.

I can't seem to let it go, though. It's eating away at me and it has been for months. The problem is, she effectively said she never wanted to speak to me again. He hasn't really spoken to me much in years. I never knew either of them as individuals in the first place. The only thing I miss is having people to vent at. That's not a friendship! And yet I'm tormented with the constant thought of trying to contact either of them again, knowing full well that I'd only be rejected, but maybe that closure would help... why the hell do I need closure though, I'm stronger than that. I ask too much of everyone. This needs to stop.

Part of me really wants to make new friends, and part of me doesn't want to be tied down to "maintaining a relationship." A fatal Catch-22. Then again, I'm assuming all relationships follow a specific pattern, one that demands impossible amounts of extroversion and silliness from me. I'm sorry, I honestly cannot be a social butterfly or source of entertainment, as it is psychologically exhausting. But I get frustrated with people who just sit around and don't talk, too. If you're going to do that, please don't expect me to sit there unless you have ASKED me to specifically.
Maybe I'm too demanding? Am I? All I want is someone to have deep discussions with, really, someone who can give me space or, better yet, someone who doesn't make me want to run away from them after ten minutes.
I was trying to talk to my mother in the car yesterday, about possible topics for my Illustrative essay, as I couldn't understand what the format was. After about ten minutes she got acutely frustrated and asked me two things: 1. why can't I understand anything, and 2. why am I so contradictory. One, sometimes it is very difficult for me to understand instructions and concepts, and so I end up asking tons of questions, desperately trying to grasp the idea, and annoying the hell out of whoever is answering my questions. This causes Point Two, my "contradictory" nature, in which I typically respond to someone's suggestion or statement with "yes, but here's the opposing viewpoint." Why? Probably because I'm used to talking to Laurie. We both say our points, and if we don't understand something, need something clarified, or feel a statement is incorrect, we voice it. We tear apart each others dialogue if need be. "Here's what I think." "Makes sense, but have you considered this?" "Yes, and it doesn't work for this reason." "Are you absolutely sure?" "As far as I know; why, do you have a better idea?" "Yes, let me tell you what to do." On and on and on it goes. When people can't stand my constant questioning of the answers I've been given, the conversation goes nowhere. I will question for hours until I feel I have tested each response well enough to assess its validity, and then when I find the ones that have good grounding and relevance, I will graciously put them to use. Most people can't do this, or at least not the people I talk to. They seem to be offended when I reject a point, or are frustrated by persisting questions despite their "already having answered." I want our viewpoints to merge, for both of us to see both sides, and work together to find a good answer, no matter how many questions we BOTH ask. I can't do back-and-forth conversations in that sense. I need to dive in with someone.
I have no idea why I felt the need to write any of that.

I can't shake the awful fear that I am corrupt, either. My brother, who went through the exact same self-abuse/ psych ward/ meds/ etc. nonsense as I did years ago, to an even WORSE extent, has effectively graduated college with high honors, has a large circle of friends, is working on his dream career, and is basically completely happy with his life right now. I'm just as happy for him! Honestly, I am so thankful that he is where he is right now.
However, the fact that I've been working at this for years and seem to be sinking deeper into quicksand worries me. He gets straight As, I often can't pass my classes at all. He has loyal friends, I can't mesh with people well enough to keep even one. He's pursuing his dreams, I don't know if I have any dreams left to speak of. And I'M the one who was in therapy for a year! Is there something inherently wrong with me? Am I so blackhearted that I can't overcome these shadows and grow? What is happening here? I try to smile and do my best but many times I'm simply acting, and I'm no good at that. I can't lie, and it always falls through. Still, I try. I honestly try. The problem is that I feel so empty and I'm tired of it all and this has been going on for too long.

You know how I was considering getting a tattoo about four years ago? I've made my decision, and I AM getting one. Probably two, possibly three. I've realized that my moronic "constancy" problem can be assuaged by constant reminders, so getting an indelible one should help immensely. Of course I need money before I can do that, but my mind has been made.


I don't want to type about negative things anymore.
Let's list some positive things that happened today...

- My English teacher graciously only cut ONE letter grade off my two-weeks-late report because she can see I'm having a rough time
- I finished reading "Get Me Out Of Here" so now I can start my next book
- Felt genuinely happy for a little while this evening
- Almost done with the groundwork for this typecode categorization (it is driving me insane)
- I didn't feel like throwing up from anything today, thank God
- Mom was home today, she actually paid attention when I showed her some of my new work which was great
- Bro had his internship finalized!! Finally!
- majesticcasual uploaded THIS and it is so nice to my ears (it is silvery and tastes like carbonated macaroons btw)


When I drown myself in music, I can't stop smiling. But I'm spending hours every day doing so now.
Writing and art hurt my brain right now. They're draining and all the mental work is exhausting, but I think I can find a few loopholes to make it easier. I hope so... I need to open commissions soon, whether I like it or not (even if I have to force every pencil stroke), because I need money for food.
That's ironic too, as I gained way too much weight since I left Utah, and I can't tell if it's psychological or not. I never got the weird hunger symptoms in Utah that I do here, and I ate far less out there. I wonder if it's the atmosphere, I dunno. Maybe it's just the lack of funds and access to organic food, both of which I had in SLC. See, there's me griping about "what once was" again. I thought we weren't going to dig that up again?


I'm just going to sign off for the night. Sorry about all this nonsense, as usual.



“The reason you suffer from your depression and your anxieties is that you identify with them. You say, “I’m depressed”. But that is false. You are not depressed. If you want to be accurate, you might say, “I am experiencing a depression right now”. But you can hardly say, “I am depressed”. You are not your depression. That is but a strange kind of tuck of the mind, a strange kind of illusion. You have deluded yourself into thinking - though you are not aware of it - that you ARE your depression, that you ARE your anxiety, that you ARE your joy or the thrills that you have. “I am delighted!” You certainly are not delighted. Delight may be IN you right now, but wait around, it will change. It won’t last: it never lasts; it keeps changing; it’s always changing. Clouds come and go: some of them are black and some white, some of them are large, others small. If we want to follow the analogy, you would be the sky, observing the clouds. You are a passive, detached observer. That’s shocking, particularly to someone in the Western culture. You’re not interfering. Don’t interfere. Don’t ”fix” anything. Watch! Observe! The trouble with people is that they’re busy fixing things they don’t even understand. We’re always fixing things, aren’t we? It never strikes us that things don’t need to be fixed. They really don’t. This is a great illumination. They need to be understood. If you understood them, they’d change.”

 

 

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@ 10:54 pm

 

 

Just another quick update-- believe it or not-- to apologize for that mess of an entry and let you all know that I am already feeling huge relief from all that junk.

I know what I have to do. Problem is, things have CHANGED. Big time. And every once in a while, I slip back into my old coping methods and ways of solving problems... which don't work anymore!
I'm learning through. And it's becoming easier and easier to slip right back into happiness.

My biggest problem, at the moment, is this: I don't know what brings me joy anymore. I know I have to follow that path right now, and do the things that illuminate me, but I don't remember what does.
Maybe I've just been worrying and in pain for too long. I'll try a few things, slowly at first, and I'm sure I'll eventually hit something. Even if all my old interests no longer suit me, I'm confident that there's something new to be discovered that's more suitable to my life now.

I'll be okay. Even if I can't feel any emotions right now (there's just that underlying empty peace, which is perfect, but I can't "do anything" with it because there's no motivation to do anything BUT be peaceful and empty), I know that truth lies below the surface nevertheless.

This too shall pass... hey, maybe that'll be one of my tattoos, haha. It's a good idea!