unfathomable

 

 

 

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish
blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind
destructive destructive destructive destructive destructive

"you can't think about how your actions may affect others"

"you felt like a black hole taking everything and demanding more"

"you would metaphorically spit in my face"

"you may have been more open, but I guess it just wasn't open enough"

"this is probably the last time we'll ever speak."


you cut it off when i was in the middle of a suicidal meltdown

and yet i cannot stop blaming myself.


selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish.


this is why i fluctuate wildly between begging for help and shutting everyone out
i really don't understand whats going on
or what went on
or anything at all, according to you
and you were absolutely right, as always

i mean that with every ounce of honesty i have left.


but i didn't know you, god i didn't know you at all, how could i have talked to you about you?
i didnt know what your past was, i didnt know what you were feeling, it was impossible

thats why i kept bringing myself up, maybe youd hear something you could relate to
and jump into the conversation?
i dont know maybe people dont do that

i was so blind, so blind, so blind, so blind

i considered both of you to be saints
i never felt equal to you, you were so far up above me
when you said you couldn't deal being with me
i took it as a sign from god that i was evil after all

and then you cut me out of your life and it felt like the gates of heaven had been locked.

"nice job screwing up the only friendship you've ever had"

you both claimed that you loved me and look what i did to you.


i feel like i have no right to try and fix this. not after what a heartless jerk i was to you.
you specifically told me that talking to me was painful and that is what i miss the most
is this why i can't seem to form friendships?


"Their world revolves around you, and you've never been around people or souls where that isn't the case."
then what does it say about me that i keep trying to kick those people out of my life?
for years i felt that i didn't deserve to be loved or paid attention to.
when people finally started to offer that to me, i didn't know how to deal with it.

i still don't i guess

maybe i really am a failure, you were right

i just want forgiveness i suppose.
just a word from you,
"no, you aren't a narcissistic manipulative abusive villain"
because i sure feel like one
and have for the past five months


i just want to know what i'm doing wrong here

i needed help, i was a mess, maybe i still am

but it wasn't right for me to ask you to fix me.
you had your own problems.
but you always acted as if they had already been solved.
you buried yourself in work and talked to your friends and husband
to me, that meant everything was okay
and i was happy for you

hearing that you were still suicidal came as an absolute shock

if i had known i would have helped
but i swear i thought the only reason you even offered to take me in
was because you were capable of helping me heal
the way i assumed you had healed yourself.

i was wrong and i am so sorry
for making your lives a living hell.


then again why didnt this happen the last two times i visited you?
why were you happy then? why did you miss and love me then?
is it because i never stood up for myself?
is it because i never spoke up for myself?
i didnt trust you back then, at all
so i never opened up to you
i acted all the time
but you seemed to love me, then.
maybe my masks are the only thing lovable about me

maybe my very existence is flawed.



but i'm just rambling into the void as usual

selfishly hoping you'll think of me and read this
without knowing why i feel like that


maybe it's wrong for me to want anything at all?
maybe thats why my decisions always fall through
but its hard being puppeteered by so many hands
thats how i got into this mess in the first place i guess


i miss feeling like people cared enough to listen to me
do you realize i don't talk to people like i talked to you?
maybe it seemed selfish, all the stupid babbling about myself
but i trusted you enough to speak
and i cared about you enough to listen to you
even if i did reject some of your suggestions
i only did so because i was trying to help us both
find the best possible solution
so that i wouldn't hurt anyone else anymore.

i guess real life doesn't work that way?


you always talked about sunsets and things
for a long time you said that you loved me
i didn't understand it but i still treasured it

so hearing you reconsider that only days after i moved in
made me feel like the biggest idiot that had ever lived.


what am i,
to destroy you like i did?


secretly i hope you've forgotten about me and moved on
that you're happy and living the life you've always dreamed of
and you don't hurt anymore or have any nightmares at all

if i knew that for sure, i wouldn't worry about this anymore


but i'm terrified that my existence scars people
and the thought that you both carry bloody remnants of my presence
makes me wish i had never met you.
you would have been so much happier.


i'm sorry that i wasn't even present for our last conversation
i'm sorry that i tried too hard to be perfect while i was with you
i'm sorry that i didn't understand anything
i'm sorry that i was so blind
i'm sorry that i was so selfish


so, so selfish.
like narcissus
who, according to the greeks,
stabbed himself to death when he realized that he loved only his own reflection

that's pretty scarily accurate, i'd say.



i want to heal, and i want to move on, but this is one hell of a roadblock
i will try one last time to reach out to you in honesty

you have every right to push me away
and keep yourself safe

but i'm sorry
i need to give myself one last chance


as selfish as that is.




you know chocolate has always made me sick.