des moines was a nightmare

So hey guys. Jayce here.
Yeah, I'm sticking with the name. Don't diss me; I'm more than a little sick of making my own choices only to have them overthrown by someone with an entirely different and irrelevant reference point. I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits.
I've never been this happy with myself before. Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile.
So I've made up my mind. I'm going through with the FTM surgery and hopefully getting nullified shortly afterwards. God only knows when I'll get the means to do so (hopefully soon), but at least it's mentally decided. That's a huge load off my back, which as you all know is bad enough the way it is!

As for the title, well, let's start this past Saturday morning. As you assumedly know, I spent the vast entirety of June in Utah with Q and Mel, and returned on July 9th to stay here for about... I dunno, three weeks? Anyway, leaving my home so suddenly in June really disoriented me. I spent June in a sort of 'interim,' virtually unable to communicate with my family back in PA because my sense of reality had shifted horribly off-scale. I kind of 'ghosted' for the four weeks until my return, upon which I was faced with several huge dilemmas. I've spoken about the moral/personal ones in glissando, but the other one focused solely around my future. While I have indeed touched upon that point in the past as well, it was the immediate choices I was now being forced to make that burnt me out.
Let me clarify. Staying at home was a problem because my school and work lives had been pretty much shot, my space at home was very limited and I was desperately looking for a new road to walk. However, heading back out to Utah to hopefully find said road was also a huge problem for several massive reasons... I didn't have a school or work life at all there, let alone family or a roof over my head. I was basically jumping blindfolded into a canyon and hoping that I wouldn't black out upon hitting the water... that is, if the water wasn't just a hallucination at this point. Still, I figured it was worth a shot, so I bit my tongue and hopped a plane to Chicago on the 31st, where I would meet the cat and the otter. Well... that's when things started to go downhill again, and it frightened me.
See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me. That's what it apparently did with the four weeks I spend in Utah prior. I had remembered it as a positive experience until I stepped off the plane and was thrown back into the unsettling realization that I just didn't fit. It really took hold when Q and Mel decided to take me walking randomly through Chicago for some undisclosed reason.
Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules. If you're going to wander off somewhere with no real plan, no real destination and no time/travel estimate, do NOT take me with you because I will flip out. Fun fact #2: beaches, carnivals and large public gatherings trigger massive panic attacks in me. Fun fact #3: Guess what happened in Chicago?
Yep, not only did they basically just wander about without telling me what the heck we were doing (bad enough I only had about $50 in my pocket, no keys, and no awareness of the surrounding area), but when they decided they were going to settle on a destination, it was a freaking park on the beach. What. So yeah, I panicked. Heck, as soon as I saw the buildings start to die down I was worried-- once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped.
But let's fast-forward. Since I had such a breakdown we couldn't logically stay, so thankfully about 20 minutes in we decided to catch a bus back out to near where we were staying. The rest of the night was relatively okay from what I remember, as nothing happened, but honestly it's a useless memory to me and I'd rather not think upon it.
I dreamt about my left knee exploding in blood.
Understandably, I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day, but that evening and the entirety of our Monday were pretty much just wasted away with random hanging out in Wisconsin farmland. Sure, the fields were flipping gorgeous, but when they're full of cows and I can't run through them, they lose some of their magic, y'know?
Plus all I could think of was Dori. We were only about 3 hours driving time away from her, and it was all I could think of.
I'm so confused. I still care for her deeply, unconditionally, but I don't know what I feel for anyone anymore. It hurts more than I can possibly say.
Oh-- there was actually one other thing. We visited a model train layout. I know, I know, I'm not a fan of such things, but I never really understood why until I visited that one in the rather painful mood I was in. Of course, there's the issue of spending such extravagant amounts of money on bits of electronic metal and foam, but the real killer is why they do it... or at least my perception of why.
They create an entire fantasy world. That's it. Those huge setups, with their random plastic houses and people eternally 'living' the same moments as toy trains whiz aimlessly by... they're just fantasy worlds. Useless ones. What good is that doing for anyone? Sure, it'll entertain some random passerby for a few minutes as they wander by, but it ultimately achieves no greater good.
It just bugs me to no end when people create things with no 'real' purpose to them. Yeah, I know some people do it for a hobby, but why? I just don't get it. Oh well.
Back on topic.
We woke up at 6AM on Tuesday, and drove to Dubuque Iowa to catch a bus.

All right, this experience was so stressful it needs a paragraph break. Here we go.
So we wait at the terminal from 9AM to 12PM, and in the meantime I get a phone call from my dad saying that the U had rejected my application because my GPA was below 2.0. Well, my jaw hit the floor. There was no way in heaven it could be that low-- so I called my home campus. Well, you remember the winter semester of 2009 when I had those repeated mental breakdowns and had to drop out of classes? Apparently that still counted towards my academic record, and so now I'm screwed! The only thing I can do now is speak to the U's offices in person and see if they can make an exception for me, considering my psychological issues... but we'll get back to that point later. Needless to say, that news upset me horribly, and so I was in a pretty agonized mood until about 5PM, when we got off at a connecting terminal in Des Moines, Idaho.
That's where our title comes from. We basically hung out there for the next 6 hours, as I fixed my iPod's library (his name is Razia btw) and read The First Horseman until our bus to Denver showed up around 11PM. Unfortunately, the bus terminal announced it as Omaha instead, and so we weren't aware it was even ours until we went out to confusedly double-check-- and were told that yeah, it WAS our bus, but there was no seating left. So we and a small crowd of fellow passengers were left at the terminal waiting for a replacement bus that wasn't even guaranteed to show up.
Then the terminal decided to close.
Yes, you heard me. Our bus group, as well as a bunch of people waiting for a 1AM pickup, were thrown out on the curb around 12AM and told to wait there as the workers assumedly went home. This wouldn't have been a huge problem if we had been guaranteed a bus arrival, if it hadn't been 12AM, AND if it hadn't been thunderstorming-- with a tornado warning, no less.
You guessed it: panic attack! I got to the point where I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't breathe correctly, all the while getting soaked and wishing I were back in PA, where I at least had a home to go to.
That's when I was forced to really look at my situation.
There I was: a phantom Sandman, shaking like a madman in a plastic chair on a Des Moines sidewalk, buffeted by moths, rain and wind, and completely unaware of where the next bus would be taking me. Not a very pretty situation. I immediately asked myself why the heck I was even on a cruddy sidewalk in Idaho, and the only answer I had was "because I'm supposed to go to Utah."
That sentence sounded so incredibly stupid at 1AM I wanted to cry. So I was basically ostracizing myself because I was supposed to? Says who?
Then I looked to my right to see a boy in red and a girl in black, and my head slumped down onto my chest. Oh.
See, my problem is my devotion, as undetectable as it is. I'm incredibly devoted to my family, but I still care about these two kids... so being forced to choose is more than I can handle.
The only major warning sign is that said kids insist that I "must" stay here in Utah. No exceptions.

I'm currently sitting in Q's living room, 8:23PM, listening to Eminem, wondering where I'm going to sleep, and feeling more lonely than I have ever been in my life.

I really don't care whether or not I'm "supposed" to be here anymore.
The truth is, I'm being used as a crutch here. I'm not sure how, as I don't understand their motives, but I can feel it. No matter what they tell me, I still feel like a third wheel and I keep looking out the window and wishing I were on the planes that fly overhead.
I don't know how much longer my grandparents will live. My brothers are growing up without me. My past is fading away. Yeah, I want to live a meaningful future, but geez-- if I'm stuck here in this mountain state holding up two lovebirds who apparently can't function without romance, then I'm not going to have one anyway.
I really, really want to go back home. I want to see my family again. I just... I guess I took them for granted. It wasn't until I was dragged out here that I realized how much they mean to me, even if I don't spend much time at the house, even if I don't feel safe within the walls. It's still my freaking home. It's still my family out there.
When I walked out the door on Saturday, I saw my grandfather cry for the first time in the 20 years I've been on this earth. That hurt more than you know.

When I go back to PA, I'm going to land a job at Borders, spend a huge amount of time working on my personal projects, and do everything humanly possible to fix my academic record and get back into the educational system. I want to make progress. Heck, I want to make MUSIC. I want to reach out and change peoples lives, and I want to have a life ahead of me... I'm sick and tired of sitting on buses and couches waiting to be given the next orders from my charge.

Still, I feel so horribly selfish, and that's what makes everything so difficult here.
Leaving Q and Mel will be 'betraying' them, as they do insist I stay no matter what. However, staying here will be leaving my family behind, who misses me terribly and who frankly needs me around.
I feel like a really confused guardian angel right now. The kids across the room apparently need me to watch over them, but... I don't know. It doesn't feel right at all.
God, what do I do, huh?
I'll try to stay here for at least a week... maybe two... see what I can do. I just feel so lonely and torn up right now.

Oh well. This too shall pass, I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time.
I just need to take a deep breath, check my head and heart, and step onto the next road.
Hesitation isn't doing me any good. Life is full of chances and choices, and unless I find the guts to stand up for my personal Light, I'm going to die here.
I refuse to just fade away. I refuse to just rot here. I refuse to compromise anymore.
Time to set this in motion.





Relax, I ain't goin back to that now
All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow
Cause I ain't playin around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fckin black cloud
still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fckers are doing jumpin jacks now!

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!