gutting me green

I don't have the strength to talk, type, sleep, or fight.
It's been terrifying me how my self-abusive tendencies have gone through the roof since I left Utah, and I'm sick wondering if it's because I left or because I stayed. I knew something was wrong when Julie started attacking me at Mel's house, whenever I'd step into the bathroom, so no one could help me. Prior to those attacks, she hadn't touched me in weeks. That scared me. That really scared me.
Now I can't go more than a few hours without something desecrating me. I've already had about three separate attacks since midnight, and I'm just barely fighting off another one right now. I can't even take a shower, as usual, because I know they'll get me as soon as I'm cut off from help. I have to leave all doors open, all phones and messaging centers active, everything. I can't stand it, as that much 'openness' freaks me out, but it's better than being mindraped.

...Bridget is back.
I hope she doesn't bring Missy with her, please God, don't let her come back too. Laurie is trying to decide whether to be screaming or sobbing at this point, and it really hurts to see her so utterly lost. Chaos Zero is keeping his distance but he's not been doing well either. He actually 'unhinged' while I was trying to sleep the other night, and was murmuring something about my life being the blueprint for his or something. I remember that because Laurie was floating above my bed and saying that we were in temporary limbo, but I don't recall what happened after that...
Anyway, yeah, my old evil headvoices are 'resurrecting.' Bridget has been dead for at least 3 years now, so this is truly terrifying. She represents arrogance, apathy and wrath, by the way... her color is green. I don't like her at all, and I haven't even seen much of her, thank heaven.
My self-image has unwaveringly been Jayce for the past week or so. Although this is helping me deal with mirrors (I noticed the switch after I had a major abusive breakdown last week in front of the mirror), when I'm in that state I'm even more naïve than I am in Spine's shell, so Julie tries to take advantage of me a LOT. I try to fight her off the best I can, but lately I've been weak because of my own self-abuse.
My self-loathing and lack of control over my surroundings is beginning to externalize. All that frustration and panic is beginning to overflow and I'm beginning to unconsciously turn it on other people who I have no control over either (read:everyone ever). That's why Bridget came back... all this painful fury.
I don't like it. I need to get somewhere safe somehow, but... well, I have no car, I have no money, and I have no time. I have to finish going through my belongings and packing the smallest amount I can take to Utah before Wednesday, which is kind of hellish right now. But I have to do it.

...Here's what I read that triggered this. From Mel.

"...I came over to Q's, and read Jewel's message that basically said she wasn't coming. That was too much for me...
I can't help but be furious at Jewel right now. Does she really want to suffer?
She told me that coming here would be worse for her than suffering the hell her family puts her through everyday.
Bullshit.
Your coming here was not just for me. I'm disgusted at the way you refuse to make progress, and when you do, you make the problems larger and more complicated.
Yes, I need you.
When Q is gone, I will have no one.
You just affirmed that fact by refusing to come here.
You know it will help you, yet you still refuse.
Why are you resigning yourself to hell constantly?
You deserve better than this: I know it, Q knows it, you should know it.
Help me understand: please."

The moment I read that, I FELT the self-hate burn outwards, and that was so horrific I knew I had to turn my mind elsewhere... but I owe her a reply. I owe everyone a reply.
I said I wasn't coming out of rashness and out of compromise. My family does NOT want me to go out to Utah, and they are saying they're not only being perfectly logical but are also saving me, an immature, mindless moron, from making yet another stupid decision that will ruin everyone's life. That alone is a huge stressor for me, and while I'm trying to figure out if they're right or not, Mel said she NEEDS me over in Utah, so I'm trying to figure out if SHE'S right or not at the exact same time. It's so incredibly painful that I basically just went with my parents at first, as I had to deal with them face-to-face daily, and didn't have the heart to go against them.
I'm furious at me too. Welcome to the past 20 years of my life. And yeah, that is exactly why I want to suffer. I feel I deserve a damn good amount of pain in my life, and when I don't get it I literally freak out. Not only that, but resigning myself to trying to live selflessly means that, if something starts 'working in my favor,' I also panic and wonder what I did wrong this time.
Going down to Utah would be worse than staying here because, first of all, it's immediately going to turn my family against me in some way. No matter how much of a 'perfect mother' my mum has been trying to be lately, I have seen her at her worst, and she might pull that again if I go against her orders to stay. Secondly, even though I'm going to be there for you, EVERY voice that's spoken to me-- yours and mine-- says that I hurt you, used you, am bad for you, and the like. Seeing you suffer and not being able to do anything is bad enough. Not being able to care for you entirely because I cannot understand how people work is bad enough. But knowing that most of what's up in our heads is convinced that I am trying to kill you is unbearable. Maybe I am, and I don't know! That's why it would be worse... Q would be gone, I can't get him back for you, I can't take his place, I can't help you the way you expect, and I can't keep any voices from telling me that I am a huge negative force in your life. Here I just have to worry about not killing myself. I don't want to end up inflicting any agony on you on top of everything else. I could never live with myself if I did.
And ironically, if it happened, I'd say I deserved it. What the hell is wrong with me, right? I'll tell you. I haven't felt the slightest bit happy with myself in over 8 years, because 8 years ago, I HAD no self. I was the quiet kid who did nothing but DRAW all day. Once I was forced to 'grow up' and stop giving life to my own worlds, something snapped, and I've been miserable ever since. Yes, yes, life is hell and she rapes everyone, but for the love of sanity I DON'T HAVE TO STAND FOR THAT. I don't give a flying fish if 95% of the population thinks life sucks; I still think it's beautiful despite all the junk we're going through, and so help me but it is really freaking difficult to keep my eyes white with what I'm exposed to on a daily basis.
I don't understand why you say my coming over there was not just for you. I thought that was the only reason? Education was just icing on the cake: an excuse for traveling 2000 miles to be with a girl I just met, a flimsy tale to tell my parents when they ask me why I'm 'running away from home' or 'making such an immature decision.' Who am I kidding; I didn't know why the heck I was leaving either, except that you TOLD me to! I was just too naive to realize that I could have refused!!
I WANT to make progress, Mel. That line hurt me so much I don't even want to think about it. What do you consider progress? What do you consider progress??
Please, my life and your life are different. What you may see as a step forward might be a dozen steps backward for me. What you see as a saving light might be the fires of hell for me.
I'm really scared, I'm not in the right body, I can't sleep because I'm tired of this and I can't stay awake because I want to forget all this. I sob into every mirror I see because I don't recognize what's in it, and not in the 'I should be a different person' way! I look in the mirror and I see wrongfully borrowed skin; I see a bag of bones that I was damned to suffer 20 years ago because the trial made me stronger. I just hope to God that He doesn't want me to die before I can finally make a good person out of myself.
What problems am I making larger? The family problem? Unfortunately, that's because I TRIED to take that 'step forward,' to get out of here, and go to you. That's what made my family angry with me. That's why I said I wasn't going at first; because it hurts so much when you say I'm just making my problems worse. I thought maybe I was doing the right thing for once. I was wrong.
Q doesn't know a freaking thing. It's the reason I ran from him in 2008. He's incredibly adamant and so sure in every observation and decision he makes, even if he is taking the wrong stance. When he does that to me, when I KNOW he's blindly thinking he's right, it hurts me horribly and makes me frighteningly angry. That's why I don't like talking to him... I can't get anywhere with him. If I do make progress, it's because I'm so frustrated that I just fall back on my two baselines: "this too shall pass" and "you can't die yet." So I pretend it's all okay, I get up off the floor and I keep walking, because it's true. Most of the time I don't remember a word anyone else spoke to me, so it really stings when they think they know every answer to my problems. Heck, I don't even know what my problems truly are; how are you supposed to solve something that's not even true or false?
It doesn't make me hate either of you, and it doesn't make me love you any less (although I'm not even sure if this is love anymore, as sickening as that is), but it does put a huge strain on whatever sort of relationship this is, because although you say you only want to help and are doing so the only way you know how, it is doing naught but causing me a ton of extra suffering.
You see why I'm hesitant to help you, no matter how desperately I want to. I don't know if I can sync with your life without causing catastrophe, which breaks my heart.
And yet I'm coming out there anyway. I am fully aware how huge of a risk it is for me, but I will be there. It makes me feel utterly worthless and depraved to say so, but you want me to, and despite how horribly wrong it feels it also feels right (yeah, my mind is pretty screwed up lately), which not only takes an axe to my moral compass but leaves me incapable of making my own decisions. So I let my family drag me one way and let you pull me back the other way. The pain I got from your words is what's making me leave for good. I told you; I can't live with myself knowing that I'm causing you such awful suffering. My family just doesn't want their 'precious, talented baby girl' (who is secretly a dude) making another stupid, stupid decision and 'running away' because I have 'no street smarts' and the like... it makes me sick thinking about all of it, about all of the contrasting opinions here.
Am I resigning myself to hell? What is hell to you? To me, it's waking up every morning stuck in an interim. I would have broken right out of this damnation ages ago if I had the money and the time, so I just do what my parents say to do and think "God must want me to suffer longer." Is that hell? Is it divine will for me to be stuck here? What lamps have I, the fallen Hope-Bringer, destroyed? What have I done?

I don't know what I deserve. I have no right to say and i don't want to think about it.
All I ever wanted out of life was to spread love and righteousness and I can't even do that with how screwed-up my life is right now.
What does it even feel like to do the right thing? Is it supposed to make you feel this guilty? What is going on??

I've been shivering for the past 4 hours, I'm hysterically fighting off headvoices, I'm horrifically hypersensitive, and I still have to call Q's family. I am just too freaking scared of them to pick up the phone... how am I going to stay there for 2 years if they terrify me? I couldn't even go into their basement to take a shower when his sister was down there because I am scared of her. I don't even know why! I'm scared of my own freaking brothers, for heavens sakes! My father asked me "what the hell I wanted already" because I told him I didn't feel safe in this apartment, and all I could say was "I don't know!" I'm such a pathetic little slob. I'm a virtually useless wreck of a screwup who can't even get on track long enough to fulfill his damn purpose in life. And every time I use that pronoun I want to cry, because it actually feels objectively right for once and I know I can't have it. It's such a stupid, selfish thing to get so worked up over, but for the love of life, how am I supposed to live as a functioning member of society, no matter how effed-up society is, if I can't even function in my 'own' skin? Mel, I want to help you, I want to help everyone I can, but you said it yourself, so many times-- "Why are you resigning yourself to hell constantly?"
I can't get out of this, and as long as I am being tormented, I can't see straight enough to help a soul. When I run to you to try and help, I trip and fall, and you wonder why I "refuse" to fix my own problems. I hope you understand how horribly painful it is for me to hear that from you. I just... I don't know how to make you understand.
I don't understand anyone.
I thought you were different. As selfish as it is, I thought you were a person I could love entirely, someone to help me out of this hell, but... but I thought Q was, too, and then he 'fell in love' with me. Why did that make everything so much more senseless to me?
I don't understand anyone. I don't understand myself. I don't know how to help you because I don't know what's going on and listen to me whining like a selfish little bitch and no no no no no no no


get them out of my head oh god PLEASE GET THEM OUT


I'll take the greyhound, sure!
20 hours of this, all in a row! i don't mind! i can't! i have to do it!
but when i get out there you'll still be romancing
and i won't get it
and some stupid, stupid, stupid part of me will condemn you for it
because it strikes me as useless.
don't listen to me.
tell me how i can help
even if its just standing there at this point
all i can give you is the truth
"i wish i could help you"
"but i don't know what help is"
and oh god I just want to help you
that's it
that's it.