nice to finally meet you

So I'm Ahrima?

I had a really, really unsettling dream last night... I'd love to write it in homefive, but I don't remember enough to put it there in any sort of entirety. As a result, I'm going to discuss it here.
Let's start where we left off last night, though.
I continued to chillax to Eminem until around 11PM, when I became so distraught I e-mailed my mother, asking her whether she thought I should stay or not. In her reply this morning, though, all she said was for me to do what was right for me. She told me that since I am so caring and giving, people take advantage of me whether they realize it or not, and that tears me apart... sadly I can list a good deal of people who have indeed done that in the past, and although it hurts, I still love all of them. My mother realized that was my problem as well, so she warned me, but then just left it at that. She did ask me to call, though, so I'll do that later this afternoon if I get the chance.
However... in light of last night's dream, that single line-- "You need to do what's right for you" -- has become more harrowing than helpful.

I was walking through some sort of dark building with Q and Mel; I remember it was very dark and quiet. We came to a door on the right of a long hallway, which Q opened to let us in.
To my surprise, as soon as we entered, the lighting turned almost theatrical and focused on a sinister looking dude in the center of the room-- I remember he was dressed in a brown outfit that was slightly 'punky' and torn, and his hair was a mess. Either way, he took a step towards me and suddenly started singing "The Spider And The Lamps" from Razia's Shadow. Unfortunately, I was too euphoric that this random dude actually knew the musical to realize just how dangerous Barayas' role was... especially since I had been 'chosen' to play Ahrima. Even worse, Q and Mel hadn't moved from the door since I entered, so when the Barayas guy sang "I saw what they did," I jumped right into Ahrima's impassioned shout of "Yeah, so arrogant," looking back at them as if they were also part of the musical-- the people I was rebelling against. I then sang along with Barayas as he continued, but once it came to the point where he was to give me my 'motivation'-- "you have a special gift," etc. -- he stopped singing and let the instrumental part carry on for about 10 seconds. I started walking towards the back of the room, asking aloud why he wasn't singing, when I noticed a small group of people standing by a boom box to the right of the room. Apparently they were managing the music. As soon as I asked why Barayas had stopped singing, though, they skipped through the rest of that song AND most of the next (Toba the Tura), stopping once they reached the final verse of the latter. The guy who had played Barayas was apparently supposed to switch into Toba's role for that song, but he walked over to the music people and insisted "do I really have to sing this one?" as he didn't want to perform it. I was still oblivious to all but the music, though, and asked if I could still sing my part, but they said no, as it was 'too difficult' a part to sing. I was offended, as I felt this was a shoot-down of my ability, and asked them how they would know that, but I received no answer. Almost immediately the dream shifted, but I don't remember what happened next... and that's not important.
What is important is the fact that I had become Ahrima.

Let me explain a bit of history for those of you unfamiliar with Razia's Shadow... Ahrima is the Angel of Hope, who was created by 'O the Scientist'-- a Godlike figure who is responsible for creating the world and the angels alike. Ahrima is one of his two 'purest cherubs,' but feels that his abilities are being ignored and misused. Long story short, he tries to gain both admiration and acceptance by creating 'the lamps,' but instead of praising him, the people of the world only see O's glory in them. Ahrima feels utterly discouraged and angry, and retreats into 'the darkness.'
Once there, Barayas finds him.
Barayas is described as naught but a 'dinky, brownish spider,' but he managed to fill Ahrima's mind with such egotism and ideas of grandeur, insisting that 'no one truly understands' his gifts, that he caused the angel to rebel against all he had been blessed with. Strangely enough, that part is what the Barayas in my dream failed to sing. However, after turning Ahrima away from the light, so to speak, Barayas tells him to 'bring the lamps back to him...' and destroy them. Ahrima does.
The world is burnt to the ground and cast into darkness from this selfish action, and a man named Toba the Tura is sent (by O? It's never clarified) to admonish Ahrima for his great sin. During that song, which was also skipped in my dream, Toba makes Ahrima realize that he's thrown away the 'privilege, hope and love' of his life and condemned the people of the world to suffering the consequences of his actions. Toba then tells Ahrima that he has been damned to live alone in the Dark he has created, while the rest of the people, along with his family and friends, will be brought into the Light to live. This is where my dream picked up... when Ahrima desperately cries to his creator, "What have I done?" and begs to be once again 'made his son...' as he has 'destroyed all he loves.'
You see why I'm so concerned.
I can't help but feel that the song-skipping was relevant, though... that in being Ahrima, I had assumedly created the lamps and had turned to the dark out of rejection... but upon meeting Barayas, I somehow fell straight into the contrition and condemnation... and even worse, I was being forbidden from feeling it. What happened?
My only comfort is that I (hopefully) had not destroyed anything. But was it a warning? Am I at risk for destroying the lamps in my own life? Am I at risk for being walled off into the Dark, cut off from everyone I ever loved, damned to suffer the consequences of my own selfish sins for all eternity?

"Do what's right for you," she said. But how do I know what's truly right for me? With so many outside influences, with so many dinky brownish spiders clinging to my shoulders, am I truly making the right decision? Where are my lamps? What could possibly make me want to destroy them? Or would I even realize what I was doing?

I guess the answer is right in front of me, though. It's right within those same notes.
"Never surrender, because the unrelenting constancy of love and hope will rescue and restore you from any scope."
Ironically, that's what's causing me my current problems.

Maybe I just have a spider on my shoulder.






So you’re Ahrima
Nice to finally meet ya
Heard so much about you
And I hope it’s all true
I saw what they did
Yeah, such arrogance
I’m the spider
Crawl inside her

I’m going to show you this once
And then you’re going to do it
You have a special gift
But they still treat you like you’re a kid
It must hurt so bad with a knife in your back

They don’t understand
This is their last chance
No more idle hands
You’ll destroy the lamps
Then they’ll know who’s in control

Bring those lamps back to me
Don’t leave them in one piece
Make sure there’s a crowd
Then tear them to the ground
Bring those lamps back to me
Don’t leave them in one piece
It’s your chance for revenge
This will show them
Now it’s your turn
C’mon, like you mean it!

I have a special gift
But they still treat me like I’m a kid
It hurts so bad with a knife in your back
They don’t understand
This is their last chance
No more idle hands
I’ll destroy the lamps
Then they’ll know who’s in control

They can’t stop you
Bring those lamps back to me
Go now!
Don’t stop!
They underestimate you and your gift

Tear those lamps to the ground
Let them cry their eyes out!
Tear those lamps to the ground
Let them hear the sound...