Infinitii WAS dead, actually killed by Laurie before she tragically killed herself and the whole System imploded back in 2018. May 17th was a resurrection date, the first time I saw hir since, a tiny flower breaking through iced concrete. But I cant see or contact hir or anyone else right now. I'm no longer in that "state of mind"; it feels like everything is shifted tectonics, a diagonal sliding away. I can only find or hear people early in the morning if I wake up slow, half asleep and not yet in the waking world.

I'm really, really depressed today. I'm having a religious-existential crisis again and I just want to cry. I'm scared. I want to die but I don't. I really need to type this out.

Since the disaster of NC, I've had a lot to think about, notably these things:
1. Realizing how easily I can pretend to be someone I'm not, to make someone else "happy."
2. Realizing that I am not transgendered, but my "alters" were.
...

I don’t hate TBAS. I love them, but their lifestyle is unhealthy for me, and living with them did not allow me to question or analyze myself in comparison to that.


Things that I constantly see on Tumblr that confuse and frighten me because I don't understand:
1. "Christian witches"
2. LGBTQIA+ individuals insisting that "Jesus was gay/ trans*/ etc." when I feel it is blasphemous to focus on His "sexual orientation"
3.




I'm afraid of sex. I admit that.
I do not want it. It is a frightening, painful thing.

I have no idea whether or not I'm "attracted" to anyone or if it's all societal programming.
I can say folks are "handsome" or "pretty" but the thought of marrying someone, having children with them, etc. is terrifying to me still. I love people, but that sort of sexual relationship is alien to me.

I don't know what happened to my relationship with Chaos Zero.
I want to weep just typing that. (I am. Two seconds and I'm in heartrending tears.)
I still dream about him, all the time.

I gave my plush doll of him to TBAS and I waited on that for weeks because I couldn't bear to let go of it. But my heart said, "don't become attached to material things. Don't focus your love on an object, for anyone or anything. Love in spirit, the way God wants you to love Him, and all things." In other words, "Love the person in the photograph so truly that if the photo was burned you would not cry."

I'm still weeping.
I haven't spoken much to anyone "in headspace" since moving back out here, because I realized too late that the way we were functioning in NC was utterly contrary to our mode of existence. We were NEVER MEANT TO FRONT. And we were NEVER MEANT TO BE "HUMAN." We were never meant to "live as individuals" outside of our soul and the fact that we felt obligated to for over a year basically murdered us.

Which reminds me. One of the few things I remember reading on TBAS's journal recently-- as I did log on a few times to check on them-- was them having a sort of personal "epiphany" that I, as the Lotus Cathedral, was "not special" as a System-- that Lynne was "just an orange girl," that Laurie was "just a punk-type person," etc.
And… when I read that, I literally laughed out loud, and cried with relief.
If THAT is how they saw us, then THEY NEVER KNEW US AT ALL.
That… that's such a blatantly absolute misunderstanding of our System's very HEART. Lynne was NEVER a "girl who liked violins"-- she was a personification of femininity and our lost future AS a woman who was expected to be a musician. She was NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE "A GIRL." Similarly, Laurie was NEVER just someone "who liked axes"-- she was a personification of our love=pain complex and she carried that heavy weapon to BEHEAD US for our sins. Lynne became orange as her role became more joyful, and Laurie became purple as her role became less bitter. EVERYTHING ABOUT US IS SPIRITUAL and the very thought that we were, at any time, even able to live as "physical people" is actually personally nauseating because it stands in such total opposition to our purpose. And to realize, suddenly, that TBAS never realized that, that they wanted us to "live as a System" in the way THEY did, in the world… suddenly we understood why they treated us so bizarrely according to our criteria, why we never truly got along deep down, why we never truly saw eye to eye-- and why we had to DEVELOP SOCIALS TO PLAY THOSE ROLES WHILE WE WERE IN NC. We wondered for ages why the Socials suddenly became the main folks fronting-- but we never realized that it was because ONLY SOCIALS ARE EVEN SUPPOSED TO FRONT, and if TBAS was expecting us to "live OUTWARDLY as a multiple," then it was literally inevitable that ONLY THE SOCIALS COULD DO THAT.
So we broke. We were no longer able to live inside, to live as us, and we became something totally new and unhealthy and thankfully temporary in order to fit TBAS's criteria instead. I see that now, and it allows me to-- at the most general level, but nevertheless-- forgive us both for our absolutely blind and ignorant and blind and appeasing and insincere behavior, because neither of us even realized who the other person WAS.
So I can let go of that totally now, again, bit by bit, because I can see that whoever I was with TBAS was not the true me and I never knew the true them, either, as a result. The key to forgiveness is Christ's prayer-- "for they know not what they do"-- and truly, we didn't. So that moves me to sad compassion, and motivates me to never repeat that mistake of ignorance in the future. May I have the grace to see when I am committing such huge wrongs in blindness, so that I may STOP and AMEND my life immediately.


Oh, by the way. TBAS also, at some point, made a comment that we were "like Justice" (the Jewel Monster) but we only read like, one line into that sentence, because similarly to the above, as soon as we began to read their explanation it hit us like a truck that THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE SAYING. And I laughed because oh my gosh THEY NEVER KNEW THE FULL STORY. They never knew!! No wonder every time "Revenge" came out in their System our stomach turned and we felt like angrily sobbing-- it's because he was born from a COMPLETELY FALSE IDEA OF NOT ONLY HIS PERSON, BUT HIS HISTORY.
The file that TBAS latched onto about him was written by a hacker for the EXPLICIT PURPOSE OF SKEWING THEIR RELATIONSHIP so that hackers could make us think that ALL relationships were sexual. They did this with LOTS of Leagueworlds at the time, and we have since purged ALL of that terrifying slander, including that DW file that, for unknown reasons, was kept.
But not only that, TBAS had no idea how the original Justice/Revenge event ENDED. I saw it all at once in 2005 while listening to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, and it basically went like this… Justice had an "alter ego" named Revenge that was born as a result of his being exposed to the corrupt "justice" in the human world, which he had entered AS A PROPHET
to try and call people to repentance, a la the Bible. But Justice got confused and corrupted in the process because he ISOLATED himself there, gradually starving off his roots to his World, and messing him up in the same way any Christian would be messed up if they stopped going to Mass. Anyway, Devonexx-- the Dream World version of Satan-- was also visiting the human world to try and do the opposite of Justice-- trying to corrupt people's minds and kill those who opposed him and all sorts of awful things-- and in that process he found Justice, who was now emitting a dual Virtue/Vice signature as he corrupted, but this duality is a RARE and DANGEROUS occurrence in a Jewel Monster because as long as it is dual, SO IS THEIR SELF. So he found Justice, and cruelly "overloaded" him with Vicious energy (which is a thing you can do in canon), to try and force him "over the fence" and lock his signature into a Vice. WHICH HE SUCCEEDED IN DOING-- and there was Revenge. HOWEVER. Such an awful event could not happen without the DW Guardians finding out, so the WHOLE GANG was there trying to stop him-- and so was Jewel Lightraye with the FIRST SYSTEM OUTSPACERS-- Bakura and Marik. SERIOUSLY. So when Justice became Revenge, they ALL tried to talk him out of it, by attesting to virtue and light and love and truth, but REVENGE WOULDN'T LISTEN. Remember he was a CORRUPTION OF JUSTICE so his entire mindset is based upon mangling the truth. His existence was born of a hopeless frustrated fear of seeing such evil in the world and wondering "why do the good suffer from such evil" WITHOUT FAITH IN GOD'S JUSTICE AND MERCY. As a result Justice got pushed into the vice of despair, and despair led to self-hatred, and self-hatred led to rage, and rage led to vengeance, and suddenly this force for equity and righteousness became a force for destroying "hopelessly" sinful people instead of patiently, sacrificially helping them convert. And of COURSE Devonexx wanted to take advantage of this. But Revenge REFUSED. He was still a CORRUPTION of a Virtue, not a born Vice, and so he saw no fellowship with a being who wanted to kill for the sake of malice. No, Revenge was twisted enough to want to kill "because they brought that judgment upon themselves." And he HATED HIMSELF FOR FEELING THIS WAY. He had been pushed out of faith into fear and now he convinced himself he had no choice but this awful role-- BUT! NOW THE GUARDIANS ARE HERE! And they all FOUGHT him with everything they were, the whole time NOT HURTING HIM, but trying to show him as much of THEIR faith and hope and love and mercy and patience and forgiveness as possible, trying to push him BACK into virtue, trying to clarify to him what Justice truly was-- and guess what? IT WORKED. At the end of the battle, when EVERYONE BUT REVENGE AND DEVONEXX WAS DOWN FOR THE COUNT, and it looked like evil had won, Revenge realized that this was wrong, wrong, wrong, and he REVERTED. Yes, that was never written down, but JUSTICE RETURNED TO HIMSELF. And then do you know what he did?
HE KICKED THE DEVIL'S BUTT.
I am serious. I remember writing down that "Justice is the most powerful Jewel Monster in existence" BECAUSE of this-- because when he came to his senses, he turned and looked at Devonexx with a burning desire to do good and atone for his sins at any cost, and used an ability which he called "Prayer of Martyrdom"-- a massive outpouring of virtuous energy that was so intense that it basically would kill him. But Justice decided that it was worth it. So yeah, not only did this Prayer revive the Guardians through its immense Good, but it knocked Devonexx into submission, which NO ONE HAD EVER DONE BEFORE IN ALL OF DREAM WORLD HISTORY (then and now). When the smoke cleared, Devonexx dragged himself back to the Nightmare World where he spent months in recovery, and Justice himself fell to the ground, literally breathing his last. But Maitru was there, and as the Guardian of Love, she was NOT gonna let that happen, so she dragged him back to the Dream World where he spent months in recovery, haha.
But yeah. TBAS never knew the full story and even though the plot did change in recent years, the changes were never fully written down, which is something I don't think TBAS EVER realized. Honestly, like… I'd be surprised if 50% of ALL Leagueworld info was written down. The vast majority of it is in my heart and in my head alone. But yeah, this, too, showed me that TBAS never knew the truth, from no active fault of their own, and so I forgive them for their blatant misunderstandings and misinterpretations, which made me sick and scared and sad for many many months, because I, too, didn't understand that they were working from a foundation of falsehood. Which, in a way, is entirely my fault, for not standing up FOR the truth and informing them of it. The problem is I don't know how aware I was OF that false foundation back then, with how I constantly flailed to "make them happy at any cost to myself", let alone how willing I'd be TO "shatter their introject's very roots" as a result. I know we did effectively TRY to in the beach house, and the absolute "I cannot live like this anymore" despair that wracked our bones in that duvet bed still hurts. But it's forgiven. I don't remember any details, or words, or outcomes, or instigations. All I know is that it's over and now I can see why it happened at all and I can, with a relieved smile and forgiving laugh, wash that pain away. Consider it absolved, by the grace of God, even if it still stings a little, like a bruise. Don't bump it, then, and it will heal, I promise. We're all getting our hearts bandaged up today.

But yeah. More than anything, my time with TBAS showed me what I am not, as opposed to what they thought I was. And that was a SCARY revelation, but it was VITAL. It shook me up so badly, that it took months to fully face it, and then months to fully accept it, and then months to fully act on it… I'm still learning and growing, and I do deeply regret most of what I said and did out there, in my absolute dizzied ignorance and kowtowing. But like I said, I, too, had my foundation revealed as utterly false-- and now I can put Christ into that cornerstone position for good, pun intended. I don't think He ever was before, which is scary. And yet, would I have ever realized THAT if I hadn't been utterly broken down and shaken up and ruined and ravaged and humiliated and humbled by my time in NC? Probably not! It had its purpose, and now I can rebuild, slowly, just like Notre Dame after the fire. Just like it.


---


We needed a System reset for years and we got the biggest one imaginable.
Everything is dead. Everything is razed to the ground, burned flat and blacked-out, annihilated to the last speck. Except Laurie's still here. Except I saw Knife the other day. Except Genesis ghosted twice within the past two months or so. Except I can still feel their hearts, weak but real, distant but extant, even now.

Except I don't want to be "multiple" in the way TBAS was "multiple" anymore.

I want it all to go back to the way it was in high school, and college-- just me out front, and everyone else helping inside.
There were too many of us. We got too tangled-up in trauma and fractured beyond function.

Now what?

Can I be a good Catholic, devoted to Christ and His Gospel, and be multiple?

Can I be in aching, ardent, abiding love with a fictional character and still be a good Catholic?

What if part of my soul is queer, and transgender, and all those other things that "go against nature?" What if my soul used to be broken into hundreds of pieces and all those pieces loved each other and sought their common highest good at any cost, no matter how much pain we had to struggle through, no matter how long
it took or how many times we fell disastrously and had to drag ourselves back up through the mud again?

I don't know what to do.

I think I was living a better Catholic life when I was multiple than I am now.
That's the long and short of it.

Whatever we became in North Carolina was shockingly toxic and it was NOT the real us.
Whatever we became as a result of hyperfocus on trauma exposure therapy was disgustingly self-annihilatory and it is NOT the real us.
The latter defined the former and I want to avoid that ever happening again.




I wept earlier, in the bathroom, drying my hair and looking at my sunken cheeks, over how much I missed the ocean, and how bitter I surprisingly was over how my beach trip in SC last year was "hijacked" by dishonesty and circumstance.
Because of TBAS's unfortunately controlling love at the time, I could not let go and live; I could not enjoy my time there, could not just be, could not relax and drink it all in… except for that one afternoon, that one blessed afternoon, lying alone on the beach, smelling the salt air and writing in that aqua notebook, the sun caressing my back. That one experience, that sacred time, is what I miss, and what I yearn to re-experience.

...



I'm typing in old Leagueworld notes into my computer and, just like it's been for years, the process is deeply depressing. I know why, now-- in most of it, there's no focus on God. There's no center in Christ. Yes, every Leagueworld does have religious tones and roots, but it became so garbled and miscommunicated over time, that it was no longer fitting to be considered good Catholic media. THAT is why I began to "hate my creative work"-- because my soul recognized that what I was creating was EMPTY and ultimately PURPOSELESS. This is also why I got cripplingly depressed in NC whenever I attempted to work on the League-- because TBAS didn't want to acknowledge the ancient fact that even when it fell short, it was all SUPPOSED to focus on CHRIST OUR GOD.
So I'm restoring that, unflinchingly and obviously. For some Worlds, it's wonderfully easy-- like Dream World and Hokthai-- but others, like Oneircia, Mage Angels, and Voltage, got their inherent and integral religious content corrupted by new-age sources and confusion and misinformation. Others, like Puppetstrings and E*Girls, were always so stuck in magic-related ideas that they never spoke to Christianity and that NEEDS to change. So I'm working on that now and I have total faith that it will restore my joy in these Worlds I've been blessed to have created through the grace of Christ sharing His creative powers through me-- for HIS SAKE!! That's the ultimate reminder. It is ALL FOR HIM, or it is all for nothing.

...


I'm also disturbed by how much psychological & spiritual disease is apparent in these old writings, speaking volumes as to my current struggles and my old sins.
For example, Parnassus is a rape nightmare at its very core, or at least, it was. And a lot of character personality notes-- liars, thieves, manipulators, sociopaths, strategizers, philosophers, you name it-- say a lot about the ugly sides of my personality as well, frighteningly so as most of this is from when I was like 14, 15. And believe me, I know how much evil was swarming in me then. Look at the roots of the System.
So this requires a lot of humility and self-inspection, to review. It's making me feel the need to take a "merciless moral inventory" and see just how much of this is still lurking in me actively, and how much has been crucified with Christ. Yes, it's a daily struggle against sin and will be until I die, but it's deeply reassuring to see how many of these points have been "dormant" for years, and by the grace of God will remain so.

And I wonder how much of that got into the System. Remember how, years ago, I was considering making a list of "League/System Character Archetypes" because the same personality "cores" seemed to keep repeating, especially within the same colors? Like Laurie and Picayune and Monika (all Indigo at the time), like Waldorf and Preludove and Hosanna (all Blue), like Lynne and Pagotamiar and Psyche (all Orange)? And even the color shifts speak to this- like how Laurie is now brilliantly Purple, and resonates now with Bastion and Psyquatro and Emepsyche in that regard. It's all being drawn from my soul, ultimately, by God. And so I'd like to review this deeper, and see how many attributes do indeed echo across it all, to gain a clearer view of my self, for that is truly what I am looking into, as into a mirror… and to then see how much of that reflection needs to be cleaned up, so it reflects Christ more.

That fact is also what was the finalizing factor in my "integrating" most of my multiplicity after returning home to PA last October. If those hundreds of alters, splinters and introjects and all, are ultimately part of me, then why in the world would I want to exist in such a fragmented sense anymore?
Living with TBAS and seeing that fragmentation firsthand was the strongest factor in that decision, though, I have to admit. Seeing it firsthand showed me, beyond all doubt, just how unhealthy it was. Seeing them displaying their symptoms convinced me that I never wanted to live like that again if I could help it. This is not to say that all of their condition is harmful-- they, too, had many benevolent alters-- but at its roots, their multiplicity was just as traumatized and ill as mine was, and living with that on both sides of my eyeballs for a year was almost more than I could bear. My multiplicity symptoms became less and less as time went on, and I became less and less willing to enforce and exaggerate them for TBAS's "entertainment", or rather, to match the "image" they had of me as someone who was "inherently" multiple, according to THEIR experience of it. That sudden breakage in function is what destroyed my System, and ironically, is also what freed me from its gilded chains. I cut off contact with TBAS in October and at the same time I cut myself off from that jail of a past, to stumble painfully but hopefully into a new future as a single person, as the girl God created, learning how to live at last.

So that's where I am now.
I don't have all the answers-- heck, I don't feel like I have any right now.
God does, but He doesn't hand them out easily. Divine Silence is a thing, as is Divine Mystery, and walking by Faith instead of sight. Above and within it all is Divine Love. Paradoxically, beautifully, that is the answer. If I strive to walk in His Love, then I don't need literal language answers-- Love IS the answer. (Thanks Todd Rundgren.)

And that brings us back to square one.

The Blood Lotus Cathedral was built to love. Yes, even though it had ugly trauma roots and branches, at the end of the day, we were always just trying so hard to love.
But our love had the WRONG ORIGIN AND END. I see that now. If Love isn't both FROM AND FOR GOD, then it's not really love. That is a hard pill to swallow but it is life-saving medicine.




...
I have to revisit the gender topic again, briefly.

I have "misgendered" people in this journal in the past, meaning that I referred to them with pronouns that match their birth sex, whereas they insisted I do otherwise.
I cannot, in good conscience, do this. I don't understand sex and gender very well at all, and I want to write about that more, but the bottom line is that I strongly believe that biological sex and gendered pronouns should be analogous. Intersex people are the obvious exception to this rule, and Judaism itself speaks of this in the Talmud, but I do not have that education so I cannot elaborate on it here. However, biology does seem to have the strongest say as to pronouns in most cases. And I agree with that, because I believe that although God Himself transcends gender, the binary nature of gender is intrinsic to Creation and is VITAL to it, as it is the basis of creative unity. Chromosomal errors that result in intersex conditions are a symptom of imperfection in fallen nature BUT it's just an error, not a condemnation. It happens, in humans and butterflies and cardinals too. It happens, but in the Book of Genesis we see how the original plan of Creation was-- clear differentiation between two complimentary sexes.
Again, God is both above and within all this. We call Him our "Father" because that is the role He took to our ancestors, although He also refers to Himself in feminine terms and motherly analogies, because that is just as true and accurate! God is our Mother as well as our Father. Legal gender influenced the male pronouns throughout history, I would believe, but that does not nullify the all-encompassing nature of God-- and the fact that He/She/Xe/They/etc. are the very Source and Definition of Love, no matter what, and therefore love us no matter what. This does not mean that God approves of transgenderism, though, in the case of someone denying their birth sex based on personal preferenece or feelings.

And yes, Jesus does speak of "eunuchs" in Matthew 19, but IN THE CONTEXT OF CHASTITY AND CELIBACY.

(Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”)

"It is better not to marry" followed by a discussion of eunuchs STRONGLY implies that those who do not adhere to the binary-- those "born that way," as intersex, and those "made that way" through genital manipulation-- are GROUPED with those "who choose [to live as eunuchs]," such as vowed celibates, and ALL THESE PEOPLE SHOULD STAY UNMARRIED AND CHASTE. So in my understanding, if you are born with OR 'develop' a mental state where you are unable or unwilling to match the sexual binary, then you should NOT DO SEXUAL THINGS because SEX REQUIRES THE BINARY. Simple as that.

As for pronouns, I feel that if one is willing to humble themselves enough to practice this gift of celibacy, however challenging it may be, then they should be equally humble enough to use, or at least accept, the pronouns that fit their legal gender. We should avoid all possibilities of scandalizing others, such as crossdressing, and I think pronouns fall very obviously into this. Humans struggle with sexual sin. We must be careful to respect the souls of others by not setting up obstacles and pitfalls for them through our treatment of sexuality, however "innocent" we may feel our intentions are.

But back to the beginning. Because of this I refuse to call someone by pronouns other than those that match their biology, if it is known. This should not be an issue if our culture respected societal gender roles more clearly, which it does not. To quote Pope Francis, "biological sex and the socio-cultural role of sex (gender) can be distinguished but not separated." We should always respect this connection.
And honestly, if it's difficult for a person to respect this, isn't that a cross? Isn't that a sin that we need to die to, to crucify so we can be reborn in Christ? Isn't disrespect, and disobedience, and all other sorts of contention, inherently sinful, as it does not rest in faith and humility? If someone feels socially male but was born a woman, wouldn't their cross be to accept their birth sex and pray for the grace to live according to it, OR to "choose to live as a eunuch," as Christ Himself offered as an option? That's what I'm doing. I was born female, but I know that I cannot properly act as a wife, and I have prayed EXTENSIVELY about this. I choose to be a eunuch for Christ, living an unmarried chaste life, while respecting my societal duties as a female, and always humbly adhering to them when I am aware of them (especially in dress).

I will admit, I sinned horribly against this in the past, by NOT respecting sex and gender and chastity and humility. I must admit this openly as it is very very hard to forgive myself some days, as I "should have known better." And indeed I should have, but I didn't. I was lost, I was confused, I was ignorant, I was out of my mind, I was shoving every ounce of my personality and morality under the rug for the sake of "tolerance" and "people-pleasing" and "healing." Unfortunately, no labels will ever make a sin not a sin. And the consequences will ALWAYS speak loudly and unquestionably to that fact, which they did.

Homosexual behavior is always sinful, EVEN if motivated by "love," because homosexual behavior disrespects the role of sexuality in creation and therefore it DOES NOT LOVE GOD. So no matter how much you may love another person, choosing to give into lust "for love" IS ALWAYS SINFUL. Lust is a deadly sin, no matter what your sexuality is, and EVERYONE should be diligent in rooting it out. This carries heavier weight for homosexual individuals because, in choosing to act upon that disordered inclination, they are refusing to keep lust in check. Love can be expressed ENTIRELY WITHOUT SEX, and the simple fact that anyone, straight or gay or otherwise, would refuse to accept that fact in all battles against lust, shows that they are still a slave to their flesh. Just because you identify as homosexual, you don't need to act upon it. Same thing with all other abnormalities of sexuality. Just don't do it. Pray for the grace. Love still exists, and Love will help you.


Back to this topic.
I'm a "she" but I used to be part of a "they" which also included "he" and "it" and "xe" and other such messes of gender nonconformity. And I need to look at that, seriously so. As a woman, what does it say, for part of my mind to have previously split into identities of differing gender? I can answer that-- it was because I rejected my biology and societal role at an early age, proudly and ignorantly and unwisely and foolishly, but I did. So in a mess, my mind missed the easy fix, and instead formed a muddle of genders that were all so loosely defined and fluid and overlapping that they effectively deleted the very meaning and significance of gender itself-- which, effectively, was also the case, as we all identified as "genderless" in the end, regardless of pronouns. But ironically, THAT TESTIFIED TO THE TRUTH. Because in the end we ALL could narrow it down to the binary, one way or another. And it's such a relief. There are no more mental gymnastics in an effort to justify some rebellious idea. We have peace, now. Our hearts are simple.

Again, though, our System needs to heal still, even if only in "hindsight"-- I don't know if we do or can still exist as multiple, but I can at least analyze the gender aspect of it now and heal the mutations. But that's for another entry.

The one point I keep getting dragged back to, what with the whole gender & sexuality issue, is unavoidably, my 15-year several-self relationship with Chaos Zero.

...


(left unfinished)

 

 

 

emergency post.

 

this is the autopilot program for the lightraye system

 

there has been a systemwide massacre courtesy of one of our old hosts, she has taken it upon herself to delete every last iota of pain attached to us therefore she decided we all must die.
i have escaped as i am noncorporeal

 

the girl in question is either jessica or cannon. i cannot tell the different between them right now; perhaps both are responsible

 

this is not the first system destruction attempt we've had; in fact is it approximately the fifth one this year. each one is harder to recover from. we may have hit rock bottom

 

long story short: we are a suicide risk tonight and i will stay online until it subsides, if it does.

 

i do not know what else to do but stall for time. wish me luck, on behalf of all those we may have lost for good.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:01 pm

 

 

dear god:
help.

help me, please. PLEASE.

everyone upstairs is dead, i went to look and there is blood everywhere oh my god
i dont want this to be happening but everything is shorting out oh god no no
no

im sorry, im really
cant handle this
crisis rooms are closed online
i have no phone
she might take over if i try
oh god
why

god why is she the one who wins out
please tell me shes not the real person who owns the body
god please
please tell me she doesnt have the right to do this
please

laurie is dead oh my god
i
i acnt type, give me a minute to
i dont know

infi is dead there is blood everywhere
what happened

what did she do

there is no one to talk to oh god i have no way to heal from this

what happened?

oh god

i
she might be coming after me, i need to run

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:10 pm

 

 

GOD DAMN IT WHY IS THERE NO ONE LEFT WHEN IM SCARED FOR MY LIFE

ABUSIVE MELTDOWNS, NO ONE
SEXUAL TRAUMA, NO ONE

THERE WAS NEVER ANYONE TO TURN TO

except the people upstairs and
now not
god
please fix this

i know yesterday i or someone someone was saying "good headspace is gond i dontw atn tp go back"
but now no onononobn plaease NO

sorry stuipd child trying complaining i hlope you die too.

if they didnt catch me in this cage you would be dead right now with them you BITCH.

YOU REALIZE THE ONLY GODDAMNED REASON YOU F*CKERS ALL HAD TO DIE WAS BECAUSE OF THE SHT YOU DID TO ME??????
F*CK YOU
YEAH THATS RIGHT
YOU MADE ME SWEAR
GUESS WHAT
I DONT CARE ANYMORE
I LOST, WHAT, ALMOST TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE THANKS TO YOU???
AND NOW I SEE WHAT YOU DID

I won't put up with this abuse of my body and life any longer.
You can't justify this with pretty disgusting names anymore. Ever.
I've snapped, congratulations, you pushed me to the edge.
Jessica is taking her body back, and if I have to kill all of you one by one to do that, then I will.
Good riddance.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:14 pm

 

 

someone stop her
this is the ap
soeone stop her

she says ehw ants the body back and she does but there is someone else behind her

cannon and jessica both were resposnible for this massacre

cannon started, when she was stopped, jessica took over with brutal unfeeling violence
she killed the children.let that sink in. she killed them. because they are "alters."

 

she wants her body back but what will she do with it now?
what will she do with it now'
nyanaynyaneenenene!!!!!
we fucked it up for you hap[py birthday bitches
uts dead and dead and dead anad deaqdndwasdgdgddgdg

good luck fiuxing it SLIT SLUT .SLUT


autopilot officially declaring a state of emergency
suggested: suicide hotline if all else fails
i am struggling to keep the girls at bay
this is not a test, i repeat, any survivors, this is a matter of life and death
i apologize for the drama but i do not want this body to be killed tonight
my function is the same as the systems and that is to preserve life
not to destroy the lives of others in order to live selfishly

i will close this entry now. i am in acute psychological and physical pain.
i fear for my life.
but let it be as it will

-a.p.

god rest your souls

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 11:40 pm

 

 

short update: miracuously not dead

 

tried an hour to talk to the family failed terribly, outright denied or ignored all help we asked for, didnt help aet all but at leats did not call hospital as they were threatening to

 

some survived! ten in all, were all in unreachable places when death happened
one centralite left, just one, pray he can help restore things if at all

 

hope cant die, it cant die, we will hold on somehow

 

despite the cold iapathy around us we will hold on somehow
for what few thre are left that is still community and we will live

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 11:41 pm

 

 

also much thank yous to all the people who said they would help or offered support

 

thank you we dont get that elsewhere it means so much. it does sincerely
first bit of hope if notihng else tha t is priceless tonight you know.

 

sorry no responses fom us bad night. but thank you

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 11:49 pm

 

 

ten lived, ten of us lived, how did we
so thankful


1. autopilot
(noncorpreal, not touched)
2. garrison
3. isadora
4. kalisha
(all were in floating space and not found)
5. algorith
(robotic, survived collapse of underground)
6. emmett
(knows hideaways, survived collapse of city)
7. dead red boy
8. little yellow boy #2
9. overload girl?
(all noncorporeal socials, dimly anchored)
10. javier
(forced back to life when structure fell to protect survivors)

also miraculous jay is still alive as a presence
since he is the TRUE CORE, NOT JESSICA, he cannot ever be permanently killed

we have many papers of failed communitcation with the family we will scan in so that is good too.
this is the little boy #2 by the wy you know me. i think im yellow at leas. sylvain was my brother. he was stabbed in the head i thinkhe died. its so sad i want to cry

emmett was crying, so much, aimee died he keeps whimpering so sad were all sad
the data voices thought they would die they didnt they aer still crying
algorith is too
so is javier
we all are how are we the only survivors its sad so sad

i will sto this now the bgrandmother will not go away and she is scary the fea bufferr wont let anyone talk or move in the body
she will not listen when we say go away dont touch so i will wait. if i can
at least none of us will let the bod die tonight we have HOOPE
that is imoritant
i think the sandman is aliev too mayve the oustpacers? can thehy help?
gerraiosn sais xenophon had bloood magic maybe something she can do
i dont know tired scared want to sleep but bedroom not savefe never safe. never safe
we will try anyway all we can do

goodnight god bless our waery souls
pray the others can life again too
there is memory of it i dont want to look at it i think i would get too sad and go awya

good night even thought it was a very bad night
life still goes on? hope too.
speaking for everyody

hope
tomorrow will arrive either way

 

 

 

I'm having some serious troubles.

First off, for about the past two weeks, I have been having chronic disturbing nightmares. It's a known fact that I dream in ridiculous realism, so that makes it even worse. I'm also being hacked during them, and have already woken up twice due to something downright harrowing occurring to me in the dream, and continuing for a minute or two even upon awakening.
I have no idea what's causing this and I'm terrified, as my nights have ceased to be a relief once again. Sleep is one of the few sanctuaries I can find, so this nightmare plague is taking a severe toll on me.

Second, my identity issues have flared up again. I can't possibly continue my life in a female form, but transitioning into a male form carries several risks that I am, quite honestly, terrified of.
I'm waiting to hear back from the gender therapist I hope to see soon. Hopefully she'll be able to help me on this, because I don't know what else to do. Life's become incredibly miasmatic and abstruse, and I'm becoming increasingly worried that I will be unable to deal with daily life at all if this continues. It's hard enough for me to deal with basic concepts and tasks at this point, due to not even recognizing the body I'm supposed to move around in. My mental and verbal coherence are slipping again and it's steadily becoming more difficult to make sense of most things.

Third, Leon is back.
Yeah, you probably don't remember him, but he's listed in our census, and Laurie and I did dedicate this Xanga to discussing him as well.
Laurie and I are really worried about him being back, as he's a personification of paranoia/ risk/ OCD/ gambling/ etc. Basically, he's the kind of guy who makes bets because he has to, but is never able to give you a sensible reason why. Laurie killed him off last April, but due to my taking risks in my everyday life-- talking to people who approach me first, looking for therapists for issues I never dared face before, heck, even Aywas auction-sniping-- he's apparently gained enough influence to reform and come back. He still looks as ill as ever, but this time he swore that he would clean up his act and change his influence to a positive one. He is apparently terrified of dying again, especially at Laurie's hands, so she's given him a week to prove himself or he's going to be reduced to a bloody carcass for the second and final time.
Bridget and Missy are still lurking around somewhere in the background. I hope they both wind up dead before I ever see them around again.

Fourth, about Aywas. It's literally the only virtual pet site I've ever been able to comprehend and make significant progress on, and believe me, I've been on several over the years. I've been on it for the past 10 days due to the Advent celebrations, after not having been there since a few small visits in June.
I have a thing for monsters, as anyone can tell you, and I've really clicked with a few of the guys I've obtained on the site (Jophiel and Vahram, namely). So it's been my online place to go if I want a bit of peace. Tumblr has far too many triggers, and as for my other non-journaling sites, well, they really don't do anything for me. So this is it, haha. If you need me I'll most likely be here, typing like the madman I am.

Fifth, I've been trying to make progress on DWp0 but I'm worried about the accuracy of what I'm writing, thanks to all the hacks I've been suffering lately. I'm still struggling with the fine details of things, yes, but am I seeing them clearly?
I haven't been able to draw in... geez, I think it's been three years. Sure, I've put out a few things in the meantime, but being able to sit down and just draw for hours? I don't know what happened. I seriously think I've drawn less than 10 actual pictures during this entire year. When I was younger I could fill an entire folder during that time.
I'm not even asking for that. I'm not asking to be an artist. I'm asking to finally be able to put what I can see on paper. I've never been able to do that, and it's been the single motivation for my entire scope of creative endeavors. I taught myself to draw because I wanted to draw my children. I taught myself to write so I could put their story into words. When people tell me to leave my creations behind, they have no idea just what they are asking me to do. They are asking me to abandon my entire life.
If a child decided to become a doctor in his adulthood, and truly felt called to that profession, who in their right mind would tell him to 'stop being interested in medical pursuits' and do something else with his life? That's what people are telling me to do with my chosen 'profession,' and I don't understand it. Why is it so wrong to create?
Or is this simply another roadblock that has been put in my way?

...Lastly, I feel Julie has gained lethal potential.
Putting aside the dream hacks, her 'regular' hacking methods are becoming terrifyingly fast. She hit me with one about two days ago, I think (I no longer have any coherent perception of time), that was only about 20 seconds out of awareness but was just as vicious as her old, hour-long ones used to be. That scared all of us, especially because there were no warning signs or major aftereffects, and I had been avoiding any and all triggers for about two, three weeks prior.
Yesterday, while I was talking to her and my other headvoices, we almost had a system crash.
I've never mentioned those before, anywhere, because they scare me to death, and wreak absolute havoc on my very perception of reality. I've only had about... geez, two or three close calls, ever, and the past ones all happened during 2009 or so, when Julie decided to outright try and destroy me during the span of several harrowing months.
An actual 'system crash' is comparable to death. If I ever had a full-out crash... I don't know. I don't want to even consider the aftereffects.
Close calls are just as terrifying, though. Basically, what happens is that my mind literally shorts out. No, I don't mean 'unhinging,' that's entirely different-- I mean that I lose all mental senses, all self-identification, all Links, everything. My mind glitches out and bluescreens.
You know how my therapists like to ask me 'what would your life be like without your creations,' i.e. my children and their worlds? System crash warnings are the closest thing I can imagine to a life like that. I would be left completely devoid of everything that means anything. I'd be gutted, empty, blank... like taking a neodymium magnet to a hard drive. Gone.
Yesterday, when that happened, Laurie went out first. Julie has never targeted her before, so when she noticeably 'switched' her presentation to something I did not recognize at all, I called her out on it, and suddenly everything went to static. I was paralyzed for a second, frightened out of my mind as everything around me was reduced to temporary oblivion. Thank God it came back a few seconds later, and we were all okay, save for the mental trauma. Laurie was freaking out, understandably, not only because she has previously been absolutely impervious to Julie, but also because I pretty much just missed getting my mental hard drive deleted, so to speak.
The only good point of that is that it scared the wits out of Leon, so he's probably going to be putting in a great deal of extra effort towards redeeming himself, haha.

I am so ridiculously miserable from all this. Yes, I still have hope and I'm still trying to see the bright side, but it's like focusing on a candle when you're lost in an abyss. It's a light source, but it's small, and the things lurking in the shadows can still creep up on you and slit your throat.

God, am I going to die from this?
For the past month I've felt closer to the end than I ever have before, and that frightens me, because not only have I not done enough in this life, but there's no guarantee of what will happen to me when I die. I may come back, I may not, I may be redeemed, I may be damned. It's not my place to say which will occur, and although I'm hoping for the best possible result, how can I possibly, justly, deserve that?
Mercy and forgiveness are vital... but so are justice and atonement.
I'm terrified of what I've done. I'm terrified of what I may never be able to do.
Then again, this is why 1998 happened, so maybe that's where I need to look now.


I just hope that this all ends well.
We can't lose here.