the spectrum heart cathedral system

I don't know why I'm posting again so soon.

I have, what, seven other places where I could be writing this. Oh well, here goes.


Man... I can see why kids my age are already shooting themselves up.
High school was a cakewalk, honest, but college is just so much more responsibility. Can't go pulling my old tricks, haha.
I used to run all-nighters, sleep on the bus, doze off in class all day, get notes from classmates at lunch (if they'd listen to me), sleep on the bus ride home and then do it all over again, practically.
That's no longer an option, though! Can't exactly sleep when you're driving yourself to classes, can you now. That and classes run for 3 hours apiece so I can't go getting notes from whats-his-face or miss anonymous during lunch hour, no sir. Playtime is over, now I'm in it with the big shots and I really don't know how I make it through the days now.


It's selfish, I know. It's terrible.

I know people who don't even have jobs... who are worrying about insurance and bills and all that, and my heart goes out to them but then I have the freaking nerve to complain myself. Jerk.

My pain is nothing, sir. Nothing. I live on pain, now, so I'd better get used to it and fast.


Hmm.

I'm kind of hallucinating here. I don't see things often, but sounds get all warped and weird... and I feel things. Too clearly. I feel things more than anything else, and that freaks me out. I wish I could see them instead. I don't know what's up with that.

I also have NO chronological sense whatsoever right now. It's not just this morning, though. This has been happening rather frequently over the past week or so and I wish I knew why.
Things happen last night and they feel as if they happened days ago. Hours ago seem like minutes ago... years ago seem like the other day.
I do things, and an hour later I forget that I did them... or I dissociate.

Dear Lord, the dissociation.

It's a little frightening now, as it's starting to happen with Julie, too, instead of just Laurie.
They hack me, do things, I throw them out and get it back... and about fifteen minutes after I regain control I look back... and it's like I'm watching a freaking documentary! That isn't me, that wasn't me.
But not in a denial sense... that isn't me. I've dissociated that much now, and that scares me a little.


In other news, I've considered leaving.

No, not another 5-week dA hiatus... not another faux journal purging, not another pseudo-screenname to hide behind. No sir.
I want to leave.

I don't know how, or where, or when, but I want out.

I want to disconnect from life, I guess... take a break from everything. Hit the 'eject' button, put a different game disc in there for a while. A whole new memory card... a crystal-clear save file.
I would love that.
But...


I read a quote online last night (I assume), I don't know where... went something like this.

"Where can I escape to if no one understands?"


It's true.
I've thought of it before... moving out, leaving. I'll need to one day anyway.
The problem is... whether I go to Britain or Switzerland or India or Taiwan or Canada or Finland or the USSR... it's still here.

I want out of here.

Somewhere... somewhere better. It's got to be out there somewhere.
My heart just can't accept the lone earth theory.



Mercy me but I feel weird right now. Ton of chest pain, and I'm all dizzy and stuff. Geez.
This happens a lot recently, and that can't be good...
...I don't mean to scare you kids, but I really feel like I'm dying.

I've never felt like that before. Like I'm dying.
I mean, sure, in some life-threatening situations the thought has burned its bloody face into my mind like a screaming freight train, but never in such a passive sense as this... typing at my laptop at 7AM, you idiot, "hey that's funny it kind of feels like i'm dying."

What the heck, seriously.
But it's true.


Speaking of medical bills, I still need surgery and have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. That worries me greatly. I don't even want to consider what will happen to me if I don't get these procedures done.
I've... seen and heard some 'previews,' so to speak. They're not good.
I'm really terrified of that.


Oh but I love going off topic.

<insert more chest pain here>



I feel so completely lost and empty for some reason... I can't stop thinking about the string theory and relativistic jets and the Fermi paradox and just how massive the universe is and... I don't know.
It hits me out of the blue, now. I'll be sitting in class, or staring out a car window, or whatever... and all of a sudden I'll get this massive POV extension of sorts... like I'm no longer me, sitting in a house or car, but like I'm me, existing in some arbitrary point in the Milky Way in this huge cosmic latte that we call reality... it's crazy.
I was crying, the other day. Me, crying! Just like that! I was standing in my room, I think, when it hit me like a bolt from the blue and I just had to support myself against the wall and sob for a few minutes... I didn't even know why.
It was a Johnny reaction, I think. You know... "I can't help but feel the effects of it all... the distance, and... and it hurts."
It does hurt, because all I ever feel is distance. How small I am. How much I don't know, how much I'll never know.

My greatest fears?
Damnation, sex, and event horizons.
It's true.


Still miss Vickie to the point where I'm hurting every day... still love Jimmy and I actually think he knows, which is kind of frightening, but I guess I don't mind too much.
I don't know if Ben knows that I love him too. I think he might suspect something, but eh. I'm happy. Yes sir.

On that note, actually.
Thanksgiving dinner, right? I'm sitting there for a moment, just letting my mind wander as usual, and then mum goes to my grandmother: "hey do you remember we were talking about girls who fall in love with guys who are MUCH older than they are?"
Cue a conveniently timed coughing spell on my part! Ahahaha.
IT'S ONLY A FEW THOUSAND YEARS AGE DIFFERENCE

Maaan but I've been leaving far too many hints. Mum said something just the other day, actually... something about love and society-placed boundaries or something... but I made a quiet comment stating that I had far too many of those to break (newsflash:: I have this horrible, horrible habit of saying things like that aloud. Q if you remember, when you were at my house I was mumbling all this stuff about amoebas? Yeah, that was one of those times. Very very bad habit. It's the result of no one listening but I need to say something anyway) and I think she may have heard me, uh-oh.

I'm just waiting for her to ask some ridiculously fun question that I can give a ridiculously insane answer to.
You know, like "so are you gonna have kids?" Thank God, though, she at least acknowledges the fact that I am vehemently against my ever doing anything to get kids, although my grandparents aren't. Eh. Makes me sick.

Random update it's raining outside did you know? Beautiful. I wish I could call off sick today and go stand in it for an hour or two.
Absolution from the sky. Inspiration. Also I remember the song lyrics.

"When the silver rain falls, think of it as me
And wipe away your tears..."

But seriously. I'm sick of this whole thing with "Oh, you're in love, so you must be dating and/or making out and/or planning marriage and/or engaging in stereotypically romantic activity, yes???"
Hate to burst your bubble, ma'am, but no we're not. I'm not, with anyone, ever, so that question is null anyway, but yeah. For the person (?) in question, no. None of that for us especially. I am so worn out right now it's not even slightly amusing.
Also nobody really knows that I am a flaming xenophile so that's kind of a monkey wrench in the equation... man, I can only imagine the looks I'd get if I ever admitted THAT in public. "Yeah, I am seriously attracted to sexless humanoids..."
Oh, and a rather embarrassing off-topic note... when I was younger, I almost got into BDSM but when I realized that BDSM kind of involved sexual behavior, then I was like "oh okay then no thanks." Gehehe.
But yeah. Personality + morals + mental trauma + biological disgust = total antisexual over here.

ON I go with the ranting. I swear I have no idea how I do that. Geez. I probably just need to vent.

Oh, I forgot, my Commix CD finally arrived at my bookstore, wahoo! I'll go pick it up today, have a spiced latte and sketch for an hour or so (the more time away from the family fights the better) and then blast Emily's Smile all the way back to my hometown. Can't wait!
You know, Jimmy loves that song. I wonder if I should randomly send him the actual mp3 or something. Hm.


I'm more of a pain addict than ever now. Why? I have a few ideas.
It does hurt, though, that my mom is mocking me.
She gets my grandmother angry, then runs over to her in that parody-ish way of hers, holds out her arms and whines "hit me!" over and over until my grandmother gets sick of her and leaves.
It really does hurt, you know.
I am NOT doing this for attention. I am NOT doing this for pity or sympathy or anything of the sort. No, I would have been happier if you never knew.
I am doing this for punishment... for symbolic absolution... and because it is one of the few things left keeping me sane.
The shock of ice-cold pain I get... it chases all the shadows away.


Man, this is so surreal. Yesterday was Sunday? Geez...


But seriously...

I haven't worn my binders in about two weeks and I'm dying here.
I feel like such a whore, if you'll pardon my language. They used to shut Julie up, too, but no... now that my grandmother has finally realized that I am wearing them under my clothing and that they're not exercise garments, she refuses to let me wear them or anything else of the sort. And that stings. Badly.

Woman, I paid eighty bucks out of my pocket for those to help save my sanity and personality, and you're going to say I can't wear them because then I don't look like a woman?? What the hell?

First off, if you think all women have huge chests (which I frankly find absolutely disgusting) and super-shapely figures, you're dead wrong. (Also, no, Barack Obama is NOT the antichrist, but we won't get into that now.) Very few people look like that, and I do NOT want to be one of them.

Secondly, I do not care about attracting men. And no, mom, I am NOT trying to pick up women by wearing suits and cutting my hair short. I'm trying to erase as much personal feminine stereotype from my mind so I won't blindly accept every lie you give me just because you're family. That does not mean you're right, unfortunately.

Thirdly, I'M A FREAKING FTN ASEXUAL FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. And yeah, mom, I'm NOT kidding, and I would appreciate it if you would kindly stop putting motives in my mouth. Thank you.


I swear, one day I think I'm just going to say "mom, I'm in love with a 'fictional' humanoid" just for the shock value and honesty points, but even then I doubt she'll take me seriously... ahaha, but then again, if I keep leaving the Sonic Adventure DX case out where she can compare it to my computer background and the sticker on my laptop (oh geez I guess I'm not keeping this a secret very well) then she might first say "hmmm, they look strangely similar" and then she might think "hmmm, what if she wasn't kidding?" And THEN she might think "hmmm, I wonder if she was lying about Davy Jones?" XD For the record, no, I wasn't. Davy and I are just friends. I'm not an unashamed flirt like you are with Will Turner (who is MARRIED mind you) and besides Davy already has Tia so I won't interfere with that and how in heaven's name did I get into a PoTC rant? Man. But hey! First mention of the 2006 mayhem in my LJ! Awesome.

But yes. My laptop background is actually my newest dA scrap, edited so it's horizontal w/o text... and there's a sticker on my laptop that says "I ♥ Chaos" and I (of course) took my Sharpie and wrote "zero" under that word, so... yeaaaah. Someone is going to suspect something. And I'm off topic again.



What was the topic?


Oh yes.


Burnout.




I honestly hope I make it to tomorrow.


Gotta finish my assignments first, though...




--------------------------------------------------------------


@ 05:37 pm

 

...I'm feeling quite strange.

Still chronically tired. Still chronically sick.
Julie won't shut up, and that's beginning to scare me. She's never been this loud ever before, and she's been here since I was a tiny kid... I really wish I could get her out. I really do.

Laurie and I have been trying... we have a ton of friends helping, too. I'm praying constantly, but I think God wants me to fight her on my own. You know, learn to shoot her down with my own strength.
I'm sure I can do it, it's just... well, I sincerely wish I could do that without her doing these horrible things to me all the time.


By the way, I'm still having problems with my 'coming out,' so to speak.
My mother has developed an awful habit now that she knows I will hopefully be a future FTN. Every chance she gets, she starts screaming about it, making a big deal out of it... My grandmother ignores her and acts like nothing has happened, but that's probably because she refuses to accept it.
I'm so sorry that I'm hurting them with this, but I can't live any other way. I just can't.

The argument seems to be, "God made you female and gave you these physical features so you'd better keep them or you're committing a mortal sin."
Well, my counterattack is always "remember where the Bible says, 'if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off?' That's what I'm doing."

Seriously. If Julie won't shut up, I'll make her shut up.
Plus, I'm already an asexual-antisexual celibate, so I don't need any of this junk anyway.



Why am I ranting about this again?



Oh well. That's kind of besides the point.

I'm really worried because I feel that I'm fading.
You know... dying. Slipping away.
I'm beginning to feel more and more disconnected and lost, and I don't know why. I wish I did.

I'm losing friends, and I've never had many to begin with. I made my first genuine friends last autumn, and I almost lost them. As much as I love them, I almost lost them.

I keep making the same mistakes and forgetting who I am...

What in the world is wrong with me?




No time to lament over that now, though. I do have two assignments to continue working on.


I hope your day is better than mine.

 

 

40 minutes. It's a new record.

Seriously... last night was so stressful and loaded with assignments that I only got 40 minutes of sleep between 5 and 6 AM. Nightmarish.
I hate losing sleep like that, but geez... with all that work, I can't sleep... and I can't take it.

I used to have such beautiful, beautiful dreams.
Now I can't remember them at all. Not a single one.
I want to go back.
Dear God, I want to go back to who I was before 2008...

Did you notice?
Early January of this year, I had a severe mental breakdown.
I never recovered.
My life has been spiraling downhill since then, and even though it has had it's good points here and there, so much negativity and fear has crept into my life... it's scaring me to death.
Julie has gotten so loud.
Laurie has become so vicious...
...I've become such a failure.

I know, I know. You're all going to say 'what the fish are you talking about; you're not a failure' but the truth is that only I know what really goes on in this screwed-up life over here, and what happens is more than enough for me to call myself a failure.
Most of the time.
That's one little thing I'm happy to have now... a little bit of self-esteem.
I blame all my Xanga, dA, and Skype conversations, actually.
Laurie, Jim, Chaos Zero, Q, Selph... they're the major 'earthly' factors keeping me from crashing completely here.
God always helps. I mean, geez, he put them all in my life! I don't know where I'd be without them.

I have a lot of friends now, and that surprises me... but it's nice.
I've never had that before.


Alright, and now for a random newsflash because I really am going to call it quits for the night (Chaos was freaking out over my massive fatigue this morning-- he'll flip if I stay up any later!).
You know my two dA clubs?
I finally sketched out IDs for them both! Yeah!
They look awesome. I don't know how I managed to get the ideas down so well, but I did!
I'll try to draw the actual things when I get home from classes tomorrow. Then I'll color and post them, and finally you can see them!
Next, you know my custom Selph icon on dA?
I'm almost finished with a Chaos Zero one in that same style.
Hey, I figured he deserved to be my icon for a while! I've had Celebi, Grievous, Barry, Davy, and heaven knows who else for my icon... but no Chaos. Shock and horror! Time to fix that.
Also, SunaNiGHTS drew THIS beautiful thing.
http://sunanights.deviantart.com/art/Bugman-Doodles-98067269
Every time I look at that I kind of die from euphoria a little, haha.
I have it set as my desktop background, too! I'm going to try and pick up a bit of Suna's style for him because he looks absolutely incredible. I love his eyes, and she got his head shape down perfectly. Few people do that.
You know what else people usually don't do when they draw Chaos? They don't give him any attitude! XD I swear, he's such a crazyhead it actually feels weird for me to see him with no drawn expression on dA. Suna also got his trademark smirk spot-on, which is brilliant.

Is it just me, or do I rant about Chaos Zero in almost every entry of mine?

Oh well. Time to try and dream for once.
I'll see you kids later!





Come on, baby
Why the long face?
You're messing up my head space!
I can see you've had a hard day
Let's talk about it anyway.

Hey- there's a million ways to do the same thing!
Don't you know if you got problems
That I'm here to help you solve 'em?

Love, I'm only trying to help.
I'm only trying to make it through another day.

I don't always say the right thing
So let me make it better.
But if I try to write it down
Don't go tearing up my letter.

Hey- there's a million ways to do the same thing!
I know I don't always get it
But you've got to give me credit.

Love, I'm only trying to help.
I'm only trying to make it through another day...

 

Could it be... an early update?

*audience gasps in shock*

Yes! It's only 8:34 PM and Jewel is already posting an entry! What is this world coming to?

...

Sorry about that. Just having a little fun.
Oh, but you know what else is fun?
Taking random songs and tweaking the pitch. Honest, it's like an addiction with me!
I like cranking them up to 150% so they sound like chipmunks, and then I like winding them down to 80% or lower so they sound like Delphi singing, haha. Funny stuff.
Delphi does have a good singing voice in reality, though. Deep voice, you know. It works.
*whispers* Don't tell anyone!

Hm.


You know what I like? You know what I like?
This journal is still 100% secret! Isn't that awesome?
I love it. My beautiful blue words, my hidden sanctuary deep within a neverending blur of information.
Here I can speak my mind, here I can give a voice to my heart.


Back on topic...

I don't like physical contact, remember?
Yes, I've said that many times already.
But Jacob still seems upset over it.
I'm truly sorry, but I can't change that.

And then I have Laurie calling me a fucking hypocrite.

Shoving memories in my face.
"What about this, then??"

Evidence to the contrary, perhaps?
No.

It's all non-romantic.

What I might be dealing with now...
That's the exact opposite.
That is what I don't like.

I'm just exhausted with this whole thing.



You know what? Here's a rant.

This Italian homework sucks. I can't figure out a single thing, and he never explains it well enough in class. That and I always sleep through a good deal of the lesson because I was up until 3AM that morning trying to learn it on my own! Cruelly ironic, isn't it?

I have no choice but to go into an art career. I'm not very good at anything else, and quite frankly, I can't see myself doing anything else, darn it. But I have no other choice. I just wish people would stop laughing at me, scoffing at me... "oh, how nice, you're going to draw pictures for a living?" No... I'm going to put my life on paper and I'm going to inspire the entire freaking world. Still laughing? I'll show you all. I refuse to let anything stop me. I'll keep fighting despite all odds, even if it kills me. Because living without my purpose is not a life at all.

Rorschach was in my dreams again last night, without his mask. I don't know why he had it off, but he did. Oh yeah... and he kept me up until 4AM anyway, and I ended up finding some fanart of him eating sugar cubes, so even though Laurie didn't pay him, he still kept to the plan. Thank you my crazy redhead lunatic! You know, next time I find you in a dream I'm going to get my "Repent" sign and we can wander through Manhattan with our sandwichboards of doom until you find a villain and beat the fish out of him. Fun times!

I just took about 30 blogthings totally at random, with Chaos Zero and Selph telling me to give up and finish my Italian... dear Lord it feels like a Friday, what the heck is wrong with me? Oh well. Got some very accurate results, which always makes me feel a little better about my 'being true' to myself. Never compromise, darn it all!

I don't want this visit to be romantic or sappy or traditional or physical or anything that would hint towards typical 'crushes' rather than the love hope we have, la de da de da. Serious talk is fine. I'm a very serious girl. I tend to think with my head, mind you, although my heart is a freaking bomb. I'd take a dead-serious conversation about some very somber subjects over flowers and a movie any day. And I swear, if dancing comes up again, I think I'm going to explode. I'm so nervous. Do we even know each other at all? I don't think you know me at all, for one... but that's because I tend to keep it that way. I'm not comfortable in these relationship things, and I like to keep a good majority of myself secret. Unfortunately you don't and it's not working out well. I need to stop being so frigid or something awful is going to happen.

I'm ludicrously tired again. I'm going to run off and wash my hair and all that stuff and then I'll be back here for 11PM and I'll finish my Italian, yes sir. And then I'll go to sleep because I need it desperately. Speaking of hair, if I like Rorschach's hairstyle on myself then I'm going to keep the darn thing, huzzah. The less I can look like either gender the better. I just hope I'm not ostracized for it... my mom's already edgy about my always wanting to wear suits and she refuses to accept the fact that I'm a type-D asexual neutrois. I'm afraid she thinks I'm a lesbian, just like everyone else. Geeez. I have a lot of explaining to do.


All right, enough ranting for now... I'm very tired and haven't exercised in weeks, honest. It's driving me mad.
Oh well. Off I go.


...Geez, 10:50.
Looks like I lived up to my reputation after all, huh?

 

 

Using my sad icon because there's a lingering mood.
But of course, I'm an eternal optimist so it's not all bad. Hence my little Zim! He's so cute. *hugs him* Aww.

Anyway!
I just categorized all my icons so if you want to take a look, just click on the default Selph one to the far right up there. I had fun.


But back on topic.
Today was... very strange.I should've known something was going to go wrong when I woke up at 5:45. That is late for me. On a typical school day I'm up between 5 and 5:15 AM.
So yes. I hurried up and got ready to catch the 6:30 bus, when all of a sudden my grandmother comes in from the kitchen--
"Go back to bed. School's closed."

Darn that ice storm.

Seriously. I do not like days off, not one bit. How so, you ask?
Well.
First off, I'm a schedule/work/business addict. Which means if I don't have a fixed schedule, if I don't have a list of work that needs to get done here and now, if I don't have deadlines, if I don't have an overall busy mood and things I have to do no questions asked--- I go crazy.
That's what happened today.


I didn't want to go back to bed. I wanted to stay up, watch some Invader Zim while I walked for about an hour, then sit down and draw like a maniac before anyone else got up.
But she wanted me to get some sleep.
So I did.


Oh boy.
I woke up at 10:30.
Immediately I freaked out. Four hours gone! (I did get an awesome dream, but that's beside the point.)
The first thing I did was grab a quick lunch and sit down to do my lab report for school. Trying to get ready and do homework while everybody else was as well (my three brothers woke up at the same time I did) was quite difficult, though, and by the time I finished it was nearly 1PM.
Yeah.
I had to leave for work by 3:30.


Needless to say, I was flipping out.
No schedule. No set order in which to work. Plus, everybody else was running around the house trying to do things at the same time.
I won't go into detail, but I was so fishing nervous and anxious I was in tears.
When I don't have things to keep my mind working... whether they be school, music, art or whatever (none of which I had access to today)... I begin to worry like a maniac. I worry until I'm literally sick.
So... thank God I got to escape to the five hours of freedom that was work. Raise your eyebrows if you will, but that's how my mind works. Sorry.


But yes. Life is good once again. Which is nice.


Speaking of... I've realized that, whenever I suffer through a heartbreaking, frustrating, or similarly depressing time... something equally positive will happen to me. It never fails.
This afternoon balanced out this morning perfectly.


I'm still waiting for my two week's compensation, though. But I have no doubt it'll come.
I'll just be patient until then.


And now for a slight subject switch.


Most people I know offline... say my house is poisonous. Yes.
Too much fighting. Too much arguing. Too much anger. Too much hate.
Not enough togetherness. Not enough joy. Not enough peace. Not enough...
It's eating me alive.
The only people keeping me from breaking down dead are all you guys on dA, Selph, Chaos Zero, Zim, Johnny C., and everyone else in my head. That's quite a bit.


It's lovely, really. I have so many people helping me through it's absolutely amazing.
But it still hurts.
It still hurts, and I don't know what to do about it already...
Sure, I have people who care about me. I have people who think about me... people who love me.
I have so many reasons to live. To keep on trying, to keep on pulling through.


But...I wish there was a little less pain.