102624 inside

Last night, I was with Anxi & she was MORE AT PEACE because she said she TRUSTED ME AND TRUSTED GOD'S PROVIDENCE. I was very grateful for this-- we literally DIDN'T FEEL ANY ANXIETY-- but something felt "off." I realized I NEEDED EMOTIONAL DEPTH/ ACHE?? And it wasn't UNTIL Anxi curled up into my chest & looked up at me with those emerald eyes & admitted that even though she DID trust she STILL felt her namesake emotion, BUT in a different, more vulnerable & honest way? She trusted that the OUTCOME would be guided by grace-- as ALL our challenges so far HAVE been, NO EXCEPTIONS-- BUT she COULDN'T DENY that the PROCESS of GETTING THERE, the ACTIVE EXPERIENCE of the challenge, WOULD NOT BE EASY, and might even be PAINFUL/ involve REAL SUFFERING. So she had entered into this bittersweet & beautiful dialectical space of "BOTH/AND," and I could FEEL her HEART in that space, completely open to ALL we & she were feeling. AND THAT IS WHAT I NEED. That is ALSO THE SACRED SPACE THAT LOVE NEEDS TO BLOOM INTO FLAME. And talking to Anxi & feeling that truth, I realized that SHE NEEDS A SOUL FORM. SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. WE "FORGOT" ABOUT THOSE BLESSED PHENOMENA & THAT SAYS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HOW LOST WE'VE BECOME-- about how CUT OFF FROM OUR HEART WE HAVE BEEN FOR TOO LONG. But that's FINALLY CHANGING. And ANXI HAS BEEN THE SPARK. So we seriously NEED to have an *incident* soon. We're thinking it will involve SHAME, that horrifying TAR-LIKE emotion from the IO2 concept art. That mean it'll probably ALSO involve TRAUMA PROCESSING, which is very fitting for us both, AND a perfect "sign" of the REAL PROGRESS & HEALING this love is indeed allowing for & sustaining & igniting in the first place. But it can't be rushed. Love cannot be scheduled or forced or otherwise controlled. All I can do is genuinely hold this intent in my heart, & continue to be with her, and make time for us to enter INTO that both/and space LITERALLY, as it were. YOU CAN'T HAVE AN *INCIDENT* IF YOU DON'T GO INSIDE. THEY CAN ONLY OCCUR IN THE HEART. And I haven't been there in too long. The E.D. had be stuck outside & cut off from my very soul, not to mention from everyone I love. That's changing now, finally, thank You God. But I still have to do my part. I NEED to GO UPSTAIRS, FOR REAL, EVERY DAY, & BE WITH THEM. That requires TIME & SELF-AWARENESS. That, too, is why I haven't been ABLE to love anyone-- I'd "forgotten who I was" for a very long time. Recovery is changing that. I'm remembering. I'm BEING that truth. But... I still can't "see myself" upstairs. I still can't DRAW myself, and that's SCARY. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT MY COLOR OR NAME ARE, in a very real sense. CNC shattered our self but we CAN rebuild it BETTER; it's just that... from CHILDHOOD, we ALWAYS had SOME sense of solid selfhood, which crystallized in the Jewels & arguably PEAKED with Jay. It legit breaks my heart to realize that he's the one that "died" back then. But we can't change the past. God orchestrated this too. The bloodline is evolving again and I'm the new beginning so things WILL be new, and old, and true & good & beautiful & REALLY ME. But I'm starting to ramble. The point is, whoever I am, God knows it, and I will ONLY realize & LIVE that truth THROUGH  LOVE. I am ONLY ME WHEN I LOVE. Chaos 0 is the beautiful living proof of this, for as long as we both shall live. He is fidelity & hope incarnate, to me. And I can only be my real self with him, too. So I have to make time for us or my soul will die. I'm serious and you know it. Laurie does too, and SHE keeps love alive in my heart even on the darkest days. She & Anxi BOTH kissed my forehead today & I think I died & went to heaven, haha. But THAT'S THE POINT. I NEED THIS LIKE BLOOD & AIR. And I KNOW Anxi is leading the effort in a special way. Her AND Mimic, perhaps, each with their year. But I CAN STILL LOVE & they have proved that to me. Thank God for them. Thank God for what we have.

tbhu distress tolerance worksheets = practicing skills

"SELF-SOOTHING" SKILL PRACTICE


101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
LOUD, BUSY, CHAOTIC grouproom environment; TOO MUCH TALKING, TV on, sensory overwhelm. Working busily on worksheets. NOT TAKING ANY TIME to GO INSIDE/UPSTAIRS and RE-CENTER IN HEART. 

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
"Hugged" self wearing soft pajamas, letting body relax comfortably in chair (release tension). Looked at lovely red shiny buttons, & pretty red swirl pattern like tree branches in the snow. Then smelled the fabric of the sleeve, which smells like ME (home/ safe) & was deeply comforting. Made me remember lying in bed with Chaos Zero; immediate peace

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
INSTANT, DEEP "SOOTHING/ COMFORTING" CALMED DOWN. Like melting away anxiety, or coming home after a long day. COMPLETELY took me OUT OF THE BUSY WORLD for a solid minute; fresh remembrance LINGERED in awareness, helping KEEP the peace. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= 10

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
5


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PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Flashbacks to SLC while taking a shower. Vivid & very disturbing. Even Julie fronting to help wasn't making it go away. Harmonia trying to front brought in CNC flashbacks too, making it even scarier.

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I cleared my mind as much as I could and focused on the light glittering off the water, like sparkles. I looked at the light brown wall and the green-yellow-blue of the shower curtain. I smelled the peppermint soap. And I ended the shower with ICY water, like winter snow. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
It took my attention off of the bad flashbacks for a while. The moment I just looked at the sparkling water in sheer wonder filled me with a sudden and genuine joy. The icy water made me smile with sheer surprise. The peppermint smell was deeply comforting, like Christmas.

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 80
AFTER= 30

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3



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"STOP" SKILL PRACTICE



101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
"Fall Harvest Fest" at 11AM. Saw prep: DONUTS, CORNSTALKS, LOUD MUSIC, "BEANBAG TOSS," etc. IN BIG GROUPS WITH STRANGERS, UNABLE TO SAY NO OR ESCAPE. "Flashbacks" to CHILDHOOD/ CNC.

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
CATASTROPHIZING about the "Fall Harvest Festival"

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
PAUSED & went upstairs. Deep breaths, talk to Laurie. Acknowledged my fear & bad memories, ALSO others' joy. DECIDED to "MAKE IT BETTER" by CHOOSING to FIND JOY & SHARE IT, for OTHERS' SAKES.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
"CHRISTIAN REDEMPTIVE MISSON"!! "The past DOES NOT define the NOW!" I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE TO FIND & FEEL JOY EVEN NOW, and so TRANSFORM IT INTO A "GOOD MEMORY" = HEAL THE PAST!! Also, DO THIS FOR MOM. She LOVES this stuff, and I want to SHARE THAT WITH HER. (Also, Leon really wants that pumpkin pie ♥) MAKE THIS FUN!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 9
AFTER= 6

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (DETERMINATION!)
(TOLERATED THE DISTRESS/ COPED IN REALTIME!)


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PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
EATING A SOY BURGER & DRINKING SOYMILK & PLANNING TO DRINK AM DRINKING ANOTHER FOR SNACK. CONVINCED THAT I'M STILL DEATHLY ALLERGIC. Every attempt feels like FACING DEATH. 

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
TERRORQUIT/ DESPAIR RELAPSE/ ALLERGY PANIC LOOP

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
STOPPED by watching 6th Sense on TV with the group, to put distance between me/ panic. Reminded self that our allergist said we have NO TRUE ALLERGY to soy, and NO SYMPTOMS of concern. Others congratulated me on bravery. Decided to TRUST & BRAVELY TRY AGAIN. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TRUSTING GOD & REASON. Others are proud of my brave efforts to FACE & CONQUER this fear-- which MY OWN ALLERGIST SAYS IS EXAGGERATED; SHE TOLD TEAM I DO NOT HAVE A SOY ALLERGY-- and I WANT TO LIVE UP TO THEIR FAITH IN ME. Dude I am EATING EGGS DAILY & NOT DYING. They had the SAME "WEAL" ON THE SKINPRICK TEST AS SOY. YOU WILL NOT DIE. TODAY PROVES IT. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)= 
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3 (GOTTA FACE IT AGAIN, AND FEEL THIS↑ AS TRUE)


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"IMPROVE THE MOMENT" SKILL PRACTICE


101824


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
SOY NAUSEA & BRUTAL NIGHTMARES. 

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Going upstairs & just embracing Anxi, talking with her & consoling her
M= This suffering is strengthening my patience, courage, & COMMITMENT to CHOOSE JOY!
P= CAST ALL YOUR CARES UPON THE LORD, FOR HE CARES FOR YOU + Morning offering
R= Taking a hot/cold shower with PEPPERMINT soap, and wearing my softest outfit
O= Repeatedly bringing mind back to NOW/ grounding
V= doing FUN worksheets!
E= Anxi/ Laurie/ God/ peers/ staff ALL reminding me of MY TRUE CHARACTER

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TOTALLY SHIFTED FOCUS. "VACATION" WORKED SO WELL??? I literally just focused on going through worksheets and it INTERRUPTED the intense loop, although the symptoms persist. But now the other letters have a better foundation to work from. And TRUST IN GOD!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (SHOCKINGLY EFFECTIVE)


---------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Phone call with mom. Got NO support on my recent recovery victories; instead she focused on my past failures & even projected them onto the present. I felt unseen, unheard, invalidated, like I hadn't changed at all.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Upstairs with Chaos 0, Laurie, Anxi.
M= Journaled about it. Need to let go & stop basing my recovery validation on her.
P= Paula praying for me. Me reminding myself that God is proud of my progress.
R= Deep  breathing, letting my body relax as much as I could, willing hands.
O= Journal, worksheet. Also helps just looking at tablet mealplan calculation data.
V= Went outside & walked around in the night air, laughing at fantastic "foursquare" game
E= All my beloveds sharing my joy & struggle & sorrow & hope for real. We're TOGETHER in this.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Still very sad, but able to accept reality. Holding on to the support I DO have, and holding on to my faith. Able to admit my own faults & forgive judgments towards mom. Still willing to communicate with her & hoping for a better relationship, but beginning to let go of this expectation. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= ?
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3


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"ACCEPTS" SKILL PRACTICE


102224

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS= 
PEANUT BUTTER CHALLENGE + HACK NIGHTMARE. Body feeling "flu sick" & nauseous. Risk of allergy panic & exaggerating symptoms (with the pb); flashbacks & despair/identity corrosion from hack. DON'T WANT THAT. But distress still occurring. 

SKILLS USED=
Distract with A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= WORKSHEETS! Reading Matthew Kelly books, GROUP WITH ALYSSA
C= Talking to Paula & giving her encouragement & supportive advice in HER struggles & worries
C= I FACED IT BRO! AND I'M NOT HAVING ALLERGY PANIC! OR WANTING TO PURGE!
E= Thinking about Anxi & Phlegmoni & JMC (peanut butter santas), SMILING/ laughing
P= Flat-out NOT DWELLING ON THE EVENTS. I survived, I did the challenge, BE HERE NOW
T= Spelling, counting, remembering movies & songs, naming colors in the room
S= Just treasuring local textures: clothes, paper, markers, glossy plastic, buttons

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Completely took my mind off the memory/ sickness. Distraction IS helpful! I know it'll subside; I just have to WAIT IT OUT PEACEFULLY. This is PROVING that I'M OKAY AND I WON'T DIE. It's a VITAL SKILL. BEST help: SHARING IN THE JOY OF OTHERS/ NOT THINKING OF MYSELF AT ALL. Literally "get out of my own head"

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= ~20

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4


-------------------------------------

102624 

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Mealplan worry-compulsion; "What's the BEST/ RIGHT choice?" The ones I DID make are proving TOO HIGH VOLUME in reality and I CAN'T BACK OUT. I'm DOOMED TO TERROR & SUFFERING UNTIL THURSDAY. I'm struggling to cope with this.

SKILLS USED=
PROS & CONS
DISTRACT WITH A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= Doing weekly recap worksheets, mealplan budget, & journaling, plus a MOVIE ♥ (live-action little mermaid)
C= Not isolating from peers. Sharing Halloween card with them. Talk to Rhi/ Melanie.
C= "I'D RATHER SUFFER THAN SIN." WILLING TO FACE THIS WITH FAITH.
E= Anxi again. Laurie encouraging. Thinking of Chaos 0 with the movie plot. ♥
P= I can't go back on my decisions. I want to learn to FACE the consequences.
T= Thinking about typecodes! Trying to remember the data. It brings me joy.
S= The taste of the pita chips at snack, the smell of autumn air, the sound of URSULA ON TV

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Laurie, Anxi, & Chaos 0 reminding me that these mealplan struggles are TEMPORARY and they are TEACHING US HARD BUT VITAL LESSONS, and in the process "FORCING" US TO GROW IN VIRTUE & FAITH... and to GROW CLOSER TOGETHER IN LOVE. And THAT IS FOREVER, AND WORTH LIVING/ FIGHTING FOR. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= 25 & falling!

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4

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PROS & CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES


PROBLEM BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
ALLERGY PANIC (EGG/ SOY/ SESAME/ SHRIMP)

ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
AVOIDANCE/ PANIC RESTRICTION/ TERROR "DESPAIRQUIT"; GIVE UP TRYING

PROS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. DON'T HAVE TO "STARE DEATH IN THE FACE" EACH MEAL
2. AVOID FEELING SICK/ ITCHY/ NAUSEOUS/ TERRIFIED
3. DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M "HURTING MYSELF" BY EATING "POISON"
4. CAN EAT OTHER FOODS THAT I ACTUALLY ENJOY INSTEAD
5. AVOID MEALTIME PANIC; CAN RELAX AT "NO DANGER"

CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. STILL "CONTROLLED" BY FEAR. OBSESSIVE INGREDIENT AVOIDANCE.
2. FEEDS INTO RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR IN GENERAL
3. NOT BEING COURAGEOUS; NOT ACTING ON CORE VALUES
4. ACTING IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO ALLERGIST REASSURANCE
5. HAUNTED BY "DEATH TERROR." NOT TRULY RECOVERING. 

RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
BELIEVING FACTS & PROFESSIONAL ADVICE/ REASON; GET OVER FEARS

PROS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MAKE MOM/ TEAM AND SELF PROUD/ JOYFUL IN VICTORY
2. ACT COURAGEOUSLY; PROVE I CAN MEET THE CHALLENGE
3. GRADUALLY LESSEN THE GRIP OF FEAR/ PANIC CONTROL
4. FREE TO EAT "ALLERGY FEAR FOODS" IN ALL CONTEXTS
5. MOVE MORE FULLY INTO RECOVERY/ FREEDOM/ PEACE

CONS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MIGHT STILL "FEEL SICK" AND HAVE TO SIT WITH THE TERROR
2. WILL BE CONVINCED I AM DYING FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR
3. NEED TO REPEAT EXPOSURE. MENTALLY EXCRUCIATING.
4. PSYCHOLOGICAL/ PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION & EXERTION
5. NO "PROOF" OF SAFETY. MUST TAKE THE LEAP OF FAITH. 


★ BESIDES THE E.D., WHAT ARE MY ACTUAL CRISIS URGES??
LASHING OUT? VIOLENCE? SELFHARM? FIGHTING? RAGEQUIT?
(ALL OF THOSE TRIGGER A PURGE REACTION)


"Identify which of these are short-term (just for today) and which are long-term (beyond today). Would you rather have a good day or a good life? Make mindful choices about your behavior."

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"TIP" SKILL PRACTICE


"TEMPERATURE" 
SITUATION= Dude we do this BEFORE EVERY MEAL, even at home
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 85  AFTER= 10
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 85
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= We go to the room sink, wet paper towels with cold water, and wash our face/ ears/ neck with it. The wet & cold, with our eyes closed, instantly helps us chill out a significant bit

"INTENSE EXERCISE"
SITUATION= Fall fest; deciding to play "cornhole" until I got 5 in the hole, running back & forth
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 60 AFTER= 0
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 100
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= I threw 5 beanbags in a row each time, trying to stand form & aim straight & with a strong arm. Then I ran to get them & ran back. I did this at least 12 times? Laughing & happy

"PACED BREATHING" (COUNTING)
SITUATION= OVERWHELMED & dissociated from talking too much/ for too long, ALL DAY 
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 80
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 10  AFTER= 50
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Closed eyes/ willing hands, went upstairs (Imagery skill) & Laurie counted for me. Unfortunately I just felt like I was suffocating (breathing exercises usually do that to me) so it KEPT me anxious in that regard. LET KYANOS DO IT!!

"PAIRED MUSCLE RELAXATION" (w/ breathing)
SITUATION= Disturbing sexual stuff on TV, I can't tune it out or leave the room
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 5
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 0  AFTER= 90
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Tightened my arms/ legs/ stomach while inhaling, then released tension all at once while exhaling forcefully. FOCUSED on breathing, meditative. Shockingly effective; helps "reset brain mood" and gives a quick outlet for violence/ rage/ "fight" trauma survival instinct

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"RADICAL ACCEPTANCE" SKILL PRACTICE


101524


TWO MAJOR THINGS THAT I NEED TO ACCEPT RIGHT NOW + ACCEPTANCE LEVEL 0-5=
1. The world around me will NOT "cater to" my triggers = 4
2. My ENTIRE past IS "MINE" and I have to INTEGRATE it ALL = 3

TWO MINOR THINGS THAT I NEED TO ACCEPT RIGHT NOW + ACCEPTANCE LEVEL 0-5=
1. I must attend a Partial program, in person or in telehealth = 2
2. I cannot always have the foods I "want"/ "enjoy more" = 3

★ PRACTICING radical acceptance means CONSISTENT REPETITION, WHOLEHEARTEDLY & ATTENTIVELY

TWO ITEMS TO PRACTICE RADICAL ACCEPTANCE ON=
1. ACCEPT & INTEGRATE THE WHOLE OF MY LIFE HISTORY AS MINE (BALANCE SELF & SYSTEM!)
★ I MUST LOVE THE "ME/US" IN THE ARCHIVES
2. ACCEPT WHEN "I DON'T GET WHAT I WANT/ EXPECT" AND LEARN TO EMBRACE IT FULLY (CHOOSE LOVE/ JOY) (GRATITUDE!!)

★ ALL CAUSES FOR MY CURRENT REALITY EXIST IN GOD'S PLAN.
★ PRAYERS OF PRAISE & GUIDANCE HELP PROMOTE FULLER ACCEPTANCE
★ TO COPE AHEAD= IMAGINE ALL THE WAYS A SITUATION CAN GO WELL, BY MY CHOOSING TO FULLY ENTER INTO IT = HAVE HOPE/FAITH, DETERMINED OPTIMISM, TRUST IN GOD
★ "Attend to body sensations" = PHYSICAL responses! SOOTHE them? Like a scared child. 
★ Painful emotions (grief, distress, etc.) are INTERNAL CAUSES OF PHYSICAL SYMPTOM SIGNS? ESSENTIAL TO FULLY ADMIT & FULLY FEEL, TOGETHER.
★ "GOD, I TRUST WHAT YOU GIVE ME!"
★ "LIFE IS ALWAYS WORTH LIVING, EVEN WHEN THERE IS PAIN"


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"RADICAL ACCEPTANCE" SKILL PRACTICE


101624


SKILLS I WILL PRACTICE THIS WEEK DURING TWO STRESSFUL SITUATIONS  =
1. Half-smiling & willing hands: I'm practicing these DAILY; keep it up, but ADD MORE SKILLS!
2. Turning the mind & willingness WORK TOGETHER!! To TURN the mind to CHOOSING the "unacceptable" in WILL, it ENABLES the WILLING PARTICIPATION! 
3. Mindfulness of hurt thoughts; DON'T GET CARRIED OFF. Only think them through with the SYSTEM, once the thought's intense emotions have "calmed" enough to REASON.

DESCRIBE THE FIRST STRESSFUL SITUATION AND HOW YOU PRACTICED SKILLS =
Still sad over mom. Did hands/smile; IMMEDIATELY tuned me back into my persisting love of her. I accept the reality of her different personality & accept her AS SHE IS. I CHOOSE to respect her unique history & personality, even when it doesn't "match" with mine "as I expect."

1-5 EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILL IN HELPING YOU COPE = 4 

DESCRIBE HOW THE SKILL HELPED YOU COPE =
Accepting mom AS SHE IS, accepting MY faults, and CHOOSING TO LOVE & FORGIVE BOTH OF US, so we CAN GROW BETTER TOGETHER. Focus on HOPE; COURAGEOUS COMPASSION, FAMILY!
"CHECK THE FACTS"! YOU KNOW MOM LOVES YOU, EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T REALIZE/ KNOW HOW TO TALK TO YOU "THE WAY THAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU." HER LOVE IS STILL REAL. DWELL ON THOSE FACTS!! ♥
★ Willingness means LISTENING TO "WISE MIND" & ACTING FROM IT! Wise Mind KNOWS that there WILL be conflict, BUT MOM STILL TRULY LOVES ME, & SHE DOES WANT ME IN HER LIFE. So these doubtful fears are FACTUALLY FALSE!!

DESCRIBE THE SECOND STRESSFUL SITUATION AND HOW YOU PRACTICED SKILLS =
"STUPID" mealplan decisions again. "Stuck" between high volume & bingeing, it feels like. Overwhelmed by feeling full. Angry. Scared. Lost. Did ALL skills & talked it out with Laurie. Choosing to TRUST that GOD CAN AND WILL work this out for my good. CHOOSING to ACCEPT MY OWN CONSEQUENCES & LEARN, instead of second-guessing everything I do. 

1-5 EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILL IN HELPING YOU COPE = 3

DESCRIBE HOW THE SKILL HELPED YOU COPE =
It didn't really? I'm so scared & angry & sad but I TRUST GOD is going to help. I feel SO LOST & HELPLESS & BLIND but GOD KNOWS. I CAN surrender to that. It's all I can do. It's the BEST I can do.

★ TRY TO SEE THIS AS AN EXPERIMENT. YOU CAN & WILL LEARN WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU THROUGH THIS TRYING/ RISK. TAKE NOTES! & ENTER INTO IT WITH A POSITIVE & CURIOUS MIND! (WILLING & GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY = EVEN "ADVENTURE"; LEARNING IS ONLY BY ACTION HERE!)

★ HOW DO I COPE WITH VIOLENT OUTBURST URGES??? THEY WON'T FIX THE PROBLEM OR GET ANSWERS. (FEEL / LISTEN TO THEM INSIDE!!! outside DOESN'T HELP)

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"TURNING THE MIND" SKILL PRACTICE

102124

ACCEPTANCE 1-5
BEFORE = 0
AFTER = 4?

OBSERVE not accepting. What did you observe? What were you having trouble accepting?
I made mealplan decisions that I feared were stupid/ would make me feel too full, although I DID TRY to choose what was WISE & ENJOYABLE, considering other options. But I DON'T "KNOW FOR SURE." It's ALWAYS RISK.

MAKE AN INNER COMMITMENT to accept what feels unacceptable. How did you do this?
I decided to ACCEPT the consequences, AND to NOT CHICKEN OUT & SECONDGUESS. I must KEEP CHOOSING to TRUST that I CAN MAKE GOOD DECISIONS, and also GOD WILL-- & HAS ALWAYS-- TURN IT ALL TO MY TRUE GOOD!

Describe your PLAN FOR CATCHING YOURSELF the next time you drift from acceptance.
WILLING HANDS/ SMILE/ GIVE IT TO GOD. Use POSITIVE PHRASES to reassure self that I DID DO MY BEST & IT WILL BE OKAY. Do pros/ cons if you must. Remember, "FIGHTING" it DOESN'T HELP, & seeds SELFDOUBT/ MISTRUST IN GOD


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"WILLINGNESS" SKILL PRACTICE

110224

ACCEPTANCE 1-5
BEFORE = 1
AFTER = 3?

WILLFULNESS 1-5
BEFORE = 5
AFTER = 3

Describe EFFECTIVE BEHAVIOR you did to move forward toward a goal. 
I told the guy in charge & had them text my nutritionist about it. I journaled about the problem, and discussed it with Laurie. I also made the commitment to still try my best at 100%, accepting the consequences without shirking responsibility.

NOTICE WILLFULNESS. Describe how you are not participating effectively in the world as it is, or how you are not doing something you know needs to be done to move toward a goal.
I am apparently NOT WILLING TO SAY "NO" TO OTHER PEOPLE'S "EXPECTATIONS"? I NEED to CHOOSE what I WANT to eat. I ALSO NEED TO CONFORM TO EXCHANGE LIMITS and I HAVE NOT BEEN OBEDIENT to them. Until I DO obey, I'm STUCK.

Describe how you PRACTICED RADICALLY ACCEPTING YOUR WILLFULNESS.
FACING THE PAINFUL CONSEQUENCES OF MY STUPID CHOICES. Not "rebelling/ resisting" by refusing to eat what I chose. Owning up to my disobedience/ stubbornness/ resistance/ compulsions. Taking it prayerfully one day at a time. 

MAKE AN INNER COMMITMENT to accept what feels unacceptable. How did you do this?
I can't scandalize others. I TOLD STAFF that I was committed to 100%. My ideal of integrity and courage demands it. I WANT to be MATURE, ACCOUNTABLE, RESPONSIBLE, & WISE. I can't change this now. I can only face it manfully.

Describe what you did that was WILLING.
TRYING SO DAMN HARD TO EAT 100%. But honestly I've ALSO DECIDED THAT I REFUSE TO TORTURE MYSELF ON MONDAY. I'LL MAKE THE NUTRITIONIST FIX IT. Until then I WILL DO 100%. I have no other courageous choice. I WILL TRUST THAT GOD CAN REDEEM EVEN THIS.