091523

 

Bomber jacket & chapel veil
Holy hour!

Praying at home was so hard?
Emotional turmoil for some reason.
Struggled. Kept getting distracted by windows, compulsions, brain disheveled (not fog!!). So upset but couldn't cry; no sadness, just agitation & self-loathing.
BREAKTHROUGH in sorrowful mystery 3. Looking at His bloodied yet loving Face and thinking, "that's my King."

BK prep a mess.
No one around from social locking??
COULDN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT on my own.
Trying to multitask with window film while cooking. Overheated the evoo: forgot that hot-oil smell is a HUGE TRIGGER. Knocked thr wind out of me, nearly started to cry from childfear & general exasperation with self.

Couldn't bear the empty heart anymore
Closed eyes & called everyone over to look at them. They all said a few loving words of encouragement & fidelity to me, holding my hands.
Lynne, Julie, Laurie, Leon, Scalpel, Knife, Razor, Siobhan, Wreckage.
I could SEE THEM. It blew my mind. There were things I forgot but saw/ felt. I remember glimpsing Lynne's tattoo & Leon's necklace, feeling Scalpel's rings and Laurie's bandage wraps.
Wreckage took my head in her claws & bumped our foreheads together, it was so sweet it ached.
I felt SO ALIVE & LOVED I actually teared up. INSTANT heart grounding.

New egg prep btw!
No longer paranoid about vitamins either. We got it figured out, thanks to God.

Daily devotional on Our Lady of Sorrows = Mimics pop quiz answered by LAURIE, FLAWLESSLY AT ONCE. He was legit impressed. Laurie said "she's my patron" so she owed her that loyal attention.

Mimic commenting on the book devotional w fr. Cizsek, labor camp masses. "No 'villain' would ever have the guts to do that." The power of Good in trying circumstances, when Bad would actually chicken out. The indomitable strength of humility against all odds, that Pride would mock as crazy or stupid. Stark contrasts.

"Soulfrequency" messed up enough to pick up devil talk. "Gluten free conspiracy against the Eucharist."

Finally eating at 1230. Still late but we did our best all things considered.
Gotta learn to cope with these bad brain days without despairing.

VOTD reflection EXACTLY what we needed today, & DIRECTLY RELEVANT to rosary experience.
Lynne resonating hard with "hope" and being "steadfast." Anchor feelings!

Kids devotional FIERY FURNACE!!! Also GREAT insight on hidden idolatry.
God needs to be our top priority, the focus of all our time, thoughts, money, and attention... we need to be LOVINGLY OBSESSED WITH GOD. And honestly we WANT that SO MUCH. Its a TOTALLY DIFFERENT feeling than a compulsory obsession!! it feels like FREEDOM, not slavery. It is a JOY, not a terror.

Gender panic has returned BTW. There's a lot going on in the Catholic Church right now concerning it.
Notably there were 2 articles emailed to us yesterday that scared us so badly. (Link, discuss?)
Theres SUCH a Femininity struggle, with trauma. Being a "girl" is foreign and ALWAYS WAS. The only time we were "feminine" was AS AN INFANT.
Still. TYPE ABOUT GENDER IN CHILDHOOD. Please get it all out in front of our eyes, so we can process things. Bottom line is that THE CHURCH TEACHES A CISHET BINARY and we NEED to adapt to it, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
In any case, there are two sides = the Church, and the Satanist relativistic promiscuous "pride" cult we see everywhere online.
We NEVER WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH THE LATTER.
so we must make ourselves fit the former.
...I just remember that such efforts were WHY THE TRAUMA BEGAN IN THE FIRST PLACE.
...but we've never processed that either.
Maybe it's time.

James 1:12.

Sudden mom call
ANOTHER emotional sobbing guilt meltdown after
WHY DO WE GO INTO BITCHY SOCIAL MODE ON THE PHONE????

Lent devotional catchup
Not sure why but hey. Autumn fitting really.

Made the mistake of trying that food mom sent up
IMMEDIATELY VOMITED.
so upset. so sick.
Could NOT recover emotionally.
Prayed in angry hurt scared distress. Honest.
"What IS my highest good?"
"The salvation of your soul"

GUTPUNCH overheard convo with CZ and whatever pseudocore girl was driving in the wake of the food hell=

"You're not real."
"Is that what you really think?"
"No"
"..."
"I'm just so confused by my religion and (???)"
"Your religion shouldn't be confusing you.  Don't you believe that God is love?"
"Yes"
"Well. I love you.  If anything makes me real that's it."

Later, between that unknown antilove girl and the "Jesus voice"=
"That's no way to treat your daughter."
"She's not my daughter. I don't love him."
"You don't love him because you're cold hearted."


...
And yet God still inexplicably makes everything work out for my highest good.
I ended up being too depressed and dishevelled to say rote prayers, So I was watching spiritual videos on YouTube And stumbled across a channel of NDEs.
...
It made me want to cry. I kept thinking of how We would feel that sense of absolute cosmic love as a system in the past.  How did we ever lose touch with that?
... We still have no solid answers for what death means to us as a system. We can only hope that the love we share will be the realest thing in the end.

Praying about "Infi" again, in light of this stone heart, this lack of self-love. "Give me a daengel again." Please.

Saint Bridget prayers and Dan Deacon music. Something moved me today.

Lungs & bodyache getting worse though. Hope to God this isn't COVID again. Still gotta run to church tomorrow!

BK for 7pm, small miracle haha

Me being so glad to see Mimic suddenly show up during Bible study (looking up "corroborate the faith"; he wanted to see if i could grasp the etymology properly on my own). His casual presence felt like i was back home, back in gear after the mess.
Then, feeling deeper thoughts on that topic, I looked over to CZ, deeply moved that he was STILL HERE after everything. Called him over.
Laurie spoke up, said he shouldn't need to be called over, "only Knife needs to be invited" (hand on his shoulder, "that's a joke, buddy") = but Chaos has a RIGHT and arguably an OBLIGATION to be near me, because of our relationship.
She paused, unsure what to call us now, what with the gender & religion struggle lately. Then she simply said to Chaos, "because you're her soulmate."
AND THAT CLICKS????? LIKE IT LITERALLY FEELS RIGHT.
So of course CZ & I fistbumped in agreement before he basically threw his arms around me haha.
But yeah. That's HUGE.

Still not right for Xenophon to call me "mom." It's not true in the way that matters. INFI was the ensoulment of Blackspace creative potential, that the Red Jewels could tap into-- Infi WAS "motherhood."
And yet I'm resonating with Black again, too, which the Jays did NOT.
Still. Asexuality is intrinsic. I cannot be a parent. But what do I do for her? If I'm the successor OF her father, what role do I play?

" it is common for those in authority to impose their corrupt dictates by virtue of that; and, because they should be the wisest and best, to expect that every body should believe they are so. "
Laurie = "don't ever let me be like that. Im just a nousfoni like the rest of us. Don't put me on a pedestal. If I am wise, its by God; if I fall, its my own doing."


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In light of our frightened sickness prayers, this is the FIRST thing we saw when we sat down =
"Though the miracle was not yet wrought, yet the prayer was answered, and he triumphs before the victory. No other can pretend to such an assurance as Christ had; yet we may by faith in the promise have a prospect of mercy before it be actually given in, and may rejoice in that prospect, and give God thanks for it. In David's devotions, the same psalm which begins with prayer for a mercy closes with thanksgivings for it. Note, (a.) Mercies in answer to prayer ought in a special manner to be acknowledged with thankfulness. Besides the grant of the mercy itself, we are to value it as a great favour to have our poor prayers taken notice of. (b.) We ought to meet the first appearances of the return of prayer with early thanksgivings. As God answers us with mercy, even before we call, and hears while we are yet speaking, so we should answer him with praise even before he grants, and give him thanks while he is yet speaking good words and comfortable words."
THAT REQUIRES ABSOLUTE FAITH & TRUST IN HIS GOODNESS & MERCIFUL HEART. When you CHOOSE to thank Him ahead of time, it OPENS THE DOOR for those graces!!! GOD MEETS YOU IN THE EFFORT.
And He WILL help you. This stuff is FACT, NOT CONJECTURE. Remember GOD IS LOVE. He IS mercy.
You can bet everything on Him, surrender it all into His care-- and you will be infinitely richer for it, without fail, every time. You are safe in His Heart, NO MATTER WHAT.
That all means so, so much to me. Blessed be God.

FOR THE RECORD... GOD HAS LITERALLY ANSWERED EVERY SINGLE PRAYER YOU HAVE EVER PRAYED.
EVEN THE MOST DESPERATE, HYSTERICAL, TERRIFIED PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED IN DUE TIME, AND IN MIRACULOUS WAYS.
HE HAS NEVER, EVER, EVER LET YOU DOWN. HE NEVER WILL.
THANK HIM WITH EVERY BEAT OF YOUR HEART.
GOD LOVES YOU. UNQUESTIONABLY.

I genuinely want to praise Him with my entire life.  Lord give me the grace.


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"Christ gave this proof of his humanity, in both senses of the word; that, as a man, he could weep, and, as a merciful man, he would weep, before he gave this proof of his divinity. [2.] That he was a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief, as was foretold, Isaiah 53:3. We never read that he laughed, but more than once we have him in tears. Thus he shows not only that a mournful state will consist with the love of God, but that those who sow to the Spirit must sow in tears. [3.] Tears of compassion well become Christians, and make them most to resemble Christ. It is a relief to those who are in sorrow to have their friends sympathize with them, especially such a friend as their Lord Jesus... It becomes us, according to this example of Christ, to show our love to our friends, both living and dying. We must sorrow for our brethren that sleep in Jesus; [notably doing so] as those that are full of love, though not void of hope."
Disturbingly, we get an instinctive DISGUST RESPONSE to the thought of crying over people, which proves that PART OF OUR HEART IS FROZEN. Why????? That's actually horrifying to realize.
This is so unnatural. We weren't like this even in college, i don't think. How & when & why did our heart turn to stone???????
⭐Reading all this and thinking... the devil cannot cry. The devil WON'T cry. Crying REQUIRES A TENDERNESS OF HEART!!! 
I know angels are pictured as weeping at the Cross, but I've heard others say that angels in general cannot feel sadness??? Because heaven has no sorrow? It's a HUMAN emotion, allegedly. But then what about grief over sinfulness? What about lamenting souls that stray? What about GODLY SORROW? What about Mary weeping as our Sorrowful Mother even now? What about Jesus's eternal Wounds?
There's gotta be something we're misunderstanding. God please grant us humble light & wisdom. May we seek this knowledge only for Your sake, and for love of You.