031623

Heck of a day today.
Quick update to get back into the groove.

Woke up around 8am? In and out of sleep until 10:30. Legit WARFARE against hacks.
Worst part was that, as always, when we're asleep during the day (i.e. whenever there's legit sunlight), we cannot get into a "safe place" of sleep. It ends up in that dangerous liminal space, where you're half-aware but completely loopy and unable to reason. 95% of our hacks happen then, because that's when you can be targeted AS an individual-- many of our night dreams are dissociative, too.
Infi was being used. It was terrifying. Ze was acting... just like ze did in CNC. "I'll do whatever you want me to." That programming ze was born for, tragically. Self-objectification, but never seeing it as such. Just being the "lover" with no thought to self or consequence. Well I fought it, and I-- as confounded as my own consciousness was-- kept telling hir that I didn't want that from hir, ze shouldn't want TO do that, etc.
Somehow we ESCAPED SAFELY. The body woke up, UNHACKED, and within seconds I felt Infi run to me in headspace, throw hir arms around my waist, and sob. It was heartwrenching. Ze felt so small and powerless. Since CNC, ze has lost that "angelic" feeling entirely, which is sadly understandable as ze "fell" very fatally, but it's still disturbing to perceive. Even so I'm glad ze's still alive. I comforted them the best I could.
I don't think Chaos 0 was targeted in the dream, thank God. He's virtually impossible to use; Infi is the exact opposite-- like I said, hir original function was to be a trauma cooperator. Chaos has fought any and all hackers with all his rage since the very beginning.

We went to church, which we could barely concentrate for again because our brain was still super foggy, we were still dizzy & lightheaded, and our body was still twitching and spasming. Honestly we have no clue what's going on and it's concerning.
After mass we did some quick shopping-- we got extra oats, triscuits, and ultima for emergencies, and grabbed a pack of white christmas lights from walmart. Unfortunately, upon getting home we realized they were LED and as such they are cool white, NOT warm, although it says that on the box. But they lean blue, not amber, so we have to return them tomorrow.

Honestly by the time we got home, unpacked, and made food, it was like 330. Breakfast prep, like church, was upsetting and disoriented, and it was hard to even hold or maneuver the utensils due to how floaty our head felt. We kept dropping things, and our dexterity was severely impacted. Talking upstairs was affected too, since our general consciousness was so compromised. I remember telling Laurie that we were "so tired we could cry," from sheer exhaustion. The body was painfully hungry, too.
But, once again, when we started to eat, we had no appetite at all. We were full within five minutes, and then had to fight the urge to throw up from nausea. What gives?
Anyway, I told Xenophon I was determined to keep it down, so I did, but it was rough. The body felt wrecked.
We sat down on the couch and read the materials for tonight's Catechism group. By the time we did so, what with our brain like it was, it was time to leave.

The group itself lasted 2.5 HOURS. It was great, though. Unfortunately-- as usual, due to "social mode" mechanics EVEN in religious contexts (I wonder who fronts for THAT?)-- we do not remember ANY of the discussion. Maybe if we reviewed the papers, we could access some data, but there's like... nothing offhand, just general "feelings" of what we talked about: mentioning that we were "going through a religious crisis," how we were so frustrated with "positive affirmations" in therapy, the problem of "relative truth & morality" in today's culture, and everyone trying to reason out exactly why Jesus flipped the tables if He was "kind and gentle." That last one had us restless; we couldn't put into words what we knew about such an action FROM LAURIE. I know we said "He still loved the money-changers as well as the pilgrims and THAT is why He flipped the tables" but no one seemed to grasp our point. Like sometimes you need an uppercut to the jaw to stop being such a jerk, but it's done out of love. Headspace stuff, haha. Of course we didn't think of that at the time, but the ambient data is making us think of it now. I apologize, our mind is still a mess. Suffice to say it was a good group, but we always feel like we're "blabbering" (whatever we say) and we never feel like ourself.
OH. Other bizarre thing. We were sitting next to one of the guys from church, and since everyone was seated close together, at one point we realized that he "smelled like every other guy we knew" OUTSIDE of the family??? like there was a "typical male" smell? like the same with women. it was SO WEIRD. i'm sorry if this is triggering, it sure was at the time, but it was also strangely comfortable? like although we've never been attracted to men, that particular scent is tied to memories of qlok and even mc. nice guys. but our dad smells different; much less sharp, more leathery. we wouldn't mind if we had that scent, really, especially now that we're on t again. i always joke that "my favorite candles smell like my dad" anyway so hey. but yeah bizarre topic, definitely triggering in some very subconscious brain place, but still an important thing to note.
hm. i wonder if it's so fascinating because of our weird latent obsession with aromachology. but people smell so strange. so different. i'm not used to that. we've had very limited close contact with humans our entire life, so when we are close enough to know what someone smells like, it's very significant actually. and it sticks. it's said that scent is a very spiritual sense, and also that it is the most powerful memory trigger. we can get behind both of those claims for sure.
...we still remember exactly what mel smelled like, as well as qlok. deeply fond of them both. mc smelled like q, but just slightly different enough-- less green, more orange? synaesthetically of course. and tbas too, we remember fragments of that. lots of severe triggers there, but no hard feelings. just sorrow & regrets.
we used to laugh that we could "do laundry with our eyes closed" in the family home because everyone had SUCH particular smells. grandpa especially. mom has that musky-sweet tone that still triggers us, despite its familiarity. grandma's scent CHANGED over the years; when we were young, it was more perfumey (she always wore some), but as she aged, it got softer? it was such a soothing smell. we miss it terribly. but then it changed again when she got cancer and got closer to death. that smell is burned into our brain, heartbreakingly so. we still have the blanket she died in. it's so strange. it smells like her, but not.
weirdly, right now, we cannot remember what our brothers smelled like. not since childhood at least. that's very telling for our brain. and it's clearer when we think of their possessions. like i know what jade's plush whales & spiders smelled like. and i know what diamond's plush seals smelled like. and i know what astra's coats smelled like, because we would always borrow them. it's so strange. i even remember what their hair smelled like. not sure how, haha. but this is all childhood data. of all of them, we liked diamond's scent the most. jade's was very musky, like mom, and astra's leaned too warm-tone? but diamond's was lighter, almost grey at the edges. clean, not sharp.
i couldn't even tell you what this body smells like. the only "scent" we identify with is, again, tied to childhood memory and objects-- notably unisalia, and our grandma's bed. it's more like the scents around us.
but we can't imagine. we can't picture ourself in third person, in a body. every time we try, we remember someone else. and we miss everyone so, so much.
regardless. nothing else to say there for now.


got home for 9pm. exhausted. so hungry and shaky and weak, we could barely think straight.
ate a small dinner, but immediately after we got SO unbelievably nauseous, I almost had to run to the bathroom to throw up. like i was looking for zofran, that's how bad it was. again, what the heck is going on.
it wasn't too bad though. two small purges. nothing painful. we ate a few more triscuits/ evoo/ broccoli to compensate, then did the nightly kitchen cleanup and sat down here to type.

however. most important things.
julie ended up pushed to front DURING the "compensation" meal attempt. not sure who she was talking to? guide voices? but she was out, ALONE, for a few minutes. surreal.
she mentioned to laurie & jay later that "it felt like she was watching the body as a spectator," like although she was in it, "it was running almost entirely on automatic" even so. she felt genuinely sorry for it. said it seemed so lost and confused, helpless. notably said that, seeing it struggle so feebly, she wanted to help take care of it, now, especially after what she did to it in the past.
she's still one of the ONLY foni in the entire system who HAS body access and ISN'T a social-- and many socials DON'T actually have body access, just voice access!! the body has been a helltrigger cesspit for years except when we were about to die from malnourishment, ironically. right now, virtually nobody can front in it as a result of the dyspho/dysmo crashes, and our despair over "getting irreparably old and unhealthy" post-hospital. but that's not a topic to explore tonight. point is, we need to look at it like julie did tonight-- as some poor thing placed in our care, that isn't us, and yet is still inherently and irrevocably attached to us. someone who needs us to take care of her, because nobody else in the world will, as wretched and rejected as she is.
so strange how the body feels like its OWN thing and ALWAYS HAS. like it has the mental capacity of an infant. no verbal communication skills. ironically feels "not human" in contrast to all others. no wonder spine is the nousfoni who anchored into it as its original "ambassador!" GEEZ she needs to come back soon

other notes.
jay was talking to celebi for a decent while, either tonight or this morning. data is fuzzy due to fatigue.
noted that her core-relationship was tied to the JAYCES??? very specific personal tie. can't find that person in the system, due to being bloodline-locked (same-line cores can't co-habitate in headspace?). but we recognize their vibe if we "seek it out" in memory tied to her. not sure if that means he still exists, or not. cores tend to fracture.

this evening, jay talking to xenophon while taking recyclables out as usual. not sure what they discussed. just want to note that their interactions are completely natural and honest at this point, which means a great deal to him. completely overrides body awareness

jay asking God "why did You let this evening happen" effectively. not angry, just distressed. it hurts, it's scary, it makes us ill, why this? what good could possibly come out of this?
the reply: God nudged him to remember the conversation he had with Laurie and Julie as they cleaned up. everyone shaken up and sad and tired. so they were being more honest and real about the struggle of life in general. not sure what they said specifically, but jay has this tendency to "flip" from despair to hope in those situations. still sad, but brightly so? very much his vibe. but they were talking, and i think just generally checking if everyone else was okay, are we taking care of each other, what else can we do for each other, etc. and jay, not even facing her, just says to laurie "i love you." out of nowhere. and she gave him this look. totally caught off guard, and straight to the heart. he remembered that, her expression and the wound-ache of love he felt in return, and heard God (Jesus) say "if that was the sole good that would come out of your suffering tonight, would you agree to suffer through it if you knew?" and jay said, "well yeah." jesus laughed and said "you didn't even have to think about it! but child, that's how i feel about you." etc. basically, sometimes suffering is meant TO bring you to such a humbled broken place that such doggedly honest love can be expressed. jay telling me he felt this sort of heartaching sweet surrender to the fact of it? like, on a small level, he understood Christ kissing the cross, even though He knew it would be agony. it's because He knew how much love was in the carrying nevertheless. He focused on the "joy set before Him", the joy of restored relationship with His friends. etc. little glimpses, we get. but shocking to realize that, even this mistake and stumbling, God could take and use and transmute into something good. like it didn't start that way, but because we refused to give in and still tried, still hoped, still did our best to love, God was able to make it serve His purposes more directly. hard to put in words. but means a lot. like, evil can never get the upper hand, ever. no matter what happens, if we fight the good fight of faith, and offer even our failures to the Lord, He can and will use them as crosses for the victory of Love. important stuff. soul of our system at large. always

last notes. jay says write this down even though he's... reticent? no. "too significant a small thing to be discussed so openly." ah. "something that seems unimportant, even ridiculous, but isn't."
kid i know where this is going
didn't we just come across this same damn topic in an old xanga? from like ten freakin years ago?
why are you still so ashamed to admit love?
well i wasn't today, that's the point, i was blindsided and i wasn't thinking, i was just overwhelmed.
but that's what bypasses the secondhand shame response. that's the real me, you know that.
anyway yeah, i opened up spotify and i was thinking about a certain cephalopod's playlist and it just slammed into me. i can't feel it now due to "thinking too much" but i recognize that wave when it hits.
you were staring at the screen-- through the screen, really-- and you just quietly said, "oh no," haha.
laurie i think i'm falling in love with mimic
not even "might." THAT'S what got me. like you just said it, straight-up. felt more like you than you have in months.
good. because my heart suddenly ached so much i was about to sob. it hit me completely out of nowhere and took the floor out from under me. knocked all my walls down.
geez, i know what that's like. holy swords.
yeah. you can't put up any defenses or facades against it. it hits too hard, too fast. and like it or not, you can't go back to who or where you were before. so... i have no idea what's going to happen, haha. 
but y'know, it's been like that since he showed up. and thank god for that. thank god for him, i mean it. he's been such an unpredictable and unexpected force for good in my life. who would've ever thought.
yeah, well, headspace is weird like that, kiddo. bringing light out of darkness and all that. i daresay we all get that sense of hope from you, sparkboy.
apparently. but... well, my identity is still fractured. we're learning just how split-up cores are, amongst each other. did we discuss that?
no, and we shouldn't be having a mini-xanga in the middle of a freakin' entry at 12:30 in the morning. take a note, then get moving.
good idea. thanks typist voices, i'll get jargon for you soon, love you too, have a good night

thank you you too
about that note
we have discovered, through recent internal interactions between jewel and jay, that there are several coexistent bloodlines AND synergetic cores in our system at ANY GIVEN TIME.
the jewels, the jays, the jessicas, possibly the cannons, etc. now that we're aware of it we're trying to study the phenomenon and figure out its mechanics but it's a new awareness. shockingly sensible and apparent though, once you know what you're looking at.
but this explains a lot of how we functioned over time, how they shift so easily and fluidly between each other, because they are ALL "CORES" IN DIFFERENT RESPECTS, because with how hypercompartmentalized we are, EVEN THE CORES CANNOT HOLD OVERGENERALIZED ROLES. there are different "cores" as "captains" of different life-aspects. this means we might need a better term than "core," as that's something used by the multiplicity community at large, and we like to have entirely unique jargon to our own unique experience.

is there anything else we need to type tonight?
no just health concerns. legit very very scared at how sick we've been feeling over the past week. not sure what's wrong. don't want to go to ER again, like ever, but scared of the symptoms. considering urgent care if it continues to worsen.
oh tomorrow if we don't feel super sick in church again, we are going to get new lights if possible, grab some "optional protein sources" to try at night (we think it's the eggs at night making us sick??? past three times this has happened), and finally pick up our tuxedo for choir. hopefully we can get it all done. tomorrow night is the mental health meeting with the mother which will probably be VERY exhausting, and will force us to eat late again, as we cannot eat in the car or in the same space as her or it is traumatically triggering. we must be smart about this then. so so so tired of this hyperbusy schedule for lent. someone in the back said darkly "then maybe we should go to the emergency room; at least we'd get some rest" yeah but only in theory, what if we're in the waiting room for 9 hours again? and they only give us a hall bed we can't lay down on again? "geez i'm sorry i was just saying" no i know and you're right. sad but true and thank you for speaking up. but we do need rest. don't want to land in the hospital to get it though. not like the old days.

okay gotta sleep it's almost 1am. maybe better rest will help this body too. and prayer. gotta trust God  no matter what happens. jay hold on to that hope and love!! and share it with us all!! that's your real job deep down you said so once i know. laurie says "get to work kiddo" oh pun intended his other job too!! that's all hope too. gosh it feels like we need to type about this more but not now. but "a wealth of untapped information" someone says.
OH we think sherlock and spine are still alive but names faces changed maybe. jobs too somewhat. but there IS someone in grey, maybe "sterling" name now, and lynne wants spine back so badly she's gotta come back soon just from love. jay wants her back too, her job was so important! especially with what's happening now!! so we'll see. and hoping for nathaniel too one day. once we understand green more.
OH also, jay can i say, he said yes, nobody has mentioned yet!! there IS someone green, a girl, when getting body ready for church today. forget why she appeared, no data. some sort of caring job, maybe for the body? but rainforest-green hair. surprising. have not had a green person in a long time!
and we have not mentioned "adelaide." she is the BROWN voice helping the body-cores get the body ready every morning. she has a mood like spice a little, it must be a brown thing? but her color is leaning "hard orange." light tone but warmer. see it clearly in her eyes. and she has real pigtails!! not twintails like julie. the actual braids in the back! which is really interesting. jay says we need jargon for foni like her anyway-- ones who "advise and guide" fronters in the body? something like that.
oh and lastly, we did not mention either, i don't think? our mirror voices! i'll mention them anyway. "blepofoni" jay says. first was natalie, a long time ago, before she died and the body changed too. then in upmc we had alena and jack. now we have iris and jonah! so there you go that's our blepofoni. jay says that's greek. he likes his words.

okay bye everyone!!
see you tomorrow i hope we feel better this is simeon btw i'm still allive still yellow still happy hopeful too.
okay bye gotta sleep!



oh last thing. adding this because jay said so, please write this for me.
...actually hold up. let me write this myself, if i can.
the other day, I was reviewing recent entry tags and I realized that we haven't had an entry tagged with "love" since january. yes the poems i wrote at the library are a blessed addition, but... no daily entries have fit that label. that's deeply disturbing and distressing both.
sorry i can't talk properly. too distracted by body symptoms and stress.
but. what i wanted to say is this:
for like... a week, now? i've been feeling pulled back towards chaos 0. finally. god knows it felt like my heart had been torn out. i was... gosh I don't even know if it was me. there were a few instances, and one significantly notable one at night, when i tried to kiss him and instead a SOCIAL shoved their way out in panicked, scolding shame or fear. "you shouldn't be doing or feeling that," basically. very condemning and callous. unfortunately hyperreligious, but in a hypocritical sense, because they couldn't love God either. poor girls. they're a total mess.
but... it has been hurting ever since. that memory, of that moment when i actually felt my heart light up again towards him, only to be brutishly shoved aside by some tangled-hair sister of mine scolding me harshly, shaming me. shutting me down.
little did they know, it did the opposite of stopping me. i can't forget that light, now. and i've been praying to feel it again since then.
it's been difficult. like i said, since my identity is still a fractured mess post-cnc and post-grandma (not even my timeline; SO MUCH shifted last year, no wonder we're a mess), and i don't even have a true "name" yet in the system (i'm in the jay bloodline currently BUT everyone is wondering if i'm going to hardshift into a NEW bloodline to match this new life era), i can't exactly assert myself, or anchor into a personal overlay, or even visualize myself clearly enough to be with him for long. everything is a blur and it is shattering my soul. his, too, undoubtedly.
...he spoke to me today, at some point, with that absolute ocean-deep tone i haven't heard him use in ages. completely floored me. but it was scary to find that i couldn't properly respond. i was too numb with the identity fracture and confusion. but God knows i wanted to.
God, honestly, please, fix up my heart. purify my love. help me to love him again, to truly reciprocate what he still gives to me every single night. i'm so tired of this emptiness in my chest. this isn't right. this isn't me. lord help me to know who I am, after everything that was before. that's my prayer tonight. help me find my name, and my face, and my color, as I am needed to be now, to be THE cor(e) for this Spectrum, the heart of it, whose very function is love. please. for Your sake even more than ours, help me to be light again. help me to love again.

all right, now i'm off to work. still a shambles, but hey. at least i'm aware of that fact.
simeon's right; there's always hope. and i need to hold on to that, for all of us, because it's not just for me, and neither am i.
a core exists for their system. that's what i truly yearn for. unity, community, compassion and cooperation. love.
God let me be a true part of it again, for the first time.