(phone entry to elaborate on later)
Up at 7
Snow! everything quiet and blue. beautiful.
decided to go to early mass because we missed this opportunity last time, to see the early snow as well (which felt so holy)-- the snow melts by noon and everything is bright and noisy again.
Church CLOSED?? bizarre. luckily we left early so we went to SHJ
forgot how much we love our home church in the early mornings. feels so much like home, in a way no other church around here does.
scared we wouldn't make it home; felt SO dizzy and disoriented.
went back to sleep until 1111
Still so weak & twitchy & lightheaded. what the heck is going on
decided to do laundry as it was piling up
still, realized it was tuesday, and there's adoration locally. guilt was eating me alive.
put clothes in to wash, then got back in car and went to the church
BUT NONE TODAY??? because of the snow i guess??? still surreal. church open but empty.
Still, we made the effort, and purposefully set a faithful example for Xenophon, gotta be a good dad
ALSO there was a RAINBOW ROSARY in the lobby, of all things.
i prayed so hard last night for God to make it so i "WANT to say the rosary and look forward to it even", then this rosary appears that makes me think of the Spectrum and instantly, there's the answer in my hands. already prayed on it twice today
BK at 3pm geez
Verse of day Deut 6:5 COREGROUP MOTTO
Hosanna Wong is so great (also super pretty)
"...I want to remind you: who you are, and what you've come from, [and what God asks of you]. You are loved and chosen by God, and your life HAS PURPOSE. And Look at how far you've come! Look at what God has delivered you from! So don't forget the faithfulness of God, and don't forget [this] command. This is the most important thing you can do today. Don't give God half your life. Don't give God just the parts that are easiest to give to Him. Remember what God has brought you from, and love God with all you've got."
"Love God with all you've got" even if it's a heavy heart, crushed spirit, and failing strength = God just wants us to draw closer to Him
ALSO "you ARE drawing closer to God by listening to His Word right now" = and I thought, "HOW? This is just what I'm supposed to do" = DISTURBING LACK OF LOVE. Fear-based performance "I HAVE to"
Forgetting that "you are made TO love God" ALSO means "God made you TO LOVE," as in, we exist FOR MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP. There's no "earning or deserving" here. GOD LOVES US FIRST!!!
"Is loving God your primary motivation?"
Said NO?? Laurie asked why i felt this way?
I said "sometimes I want to spend time loving you guys instead of saying the rosary or praying"
Julie: "what, and loving others isn't considered a prayer?"
REVELATION = I'm making prayer TOO EXCLUSIVE???
Laurie effectively said "if you let your heart pray through all that you do, not only will you be praying more often and more wholeheartedly, but you won't run away from more ritualized prayers anymore" because right now, they feel punitive still, like "you're not allowed to listen to music or write or talk to friends you MUST PRAY" like there's only one way TO prayer and that's robotic repetitive recitation. Ironically this is keeping God out of my LIFE as a whole, AND it's SEPARATING THE VERY IDEA OF PRAYER FROM LOVE, turning it into frightened obligation.
Feeling nauseous & sick after eating again; knew we needed to distract our psyche and fast
decided to paint the wood shamrocks mom asked us to, so we'd be reliable and also make her happy
Listening to music on the little speaker we bought for grandma
for some reason felt so pushed to listen to michael bublé. SO SURREAL when i did so-- the last time we had listened to his music in earnest was... the month we got back from cnc??? like within DAYS. we were taping foil leaves all over the kitchen. and it was the first and last time we felt love for like... months, if not years, after that. so that night was monumental.
nevertheless today we were also painting, something we haven't done since last spring??? and during the eating disorder. from a whole other ERA of life as well. completely alien experience, despite the "familiarity"-- it felt more like it was "familiar" in that you saw it on a very old film, and recognized it that way. bizarre.
Laurie: "why am I the one being associated with all the Michael Bublé songs??"
seriously i don't know what's up with my heart lately but i was thinking of her today. notably "you and i." put it right in her playlist.
Decided to "troll Mimic in secret" by putting his playlist on while i was feeling this affectionate, haha. laurie warning me about "getting in too deep with the octopus" if i keep this up. surprised at how legit a 'threat' that is tbh. haven't felt this much for an outspacer in ages, and towards this reformed criminal of all people. briefly wondering why this is, and WHO brought in the other recent outspacers? like who met phlegmoni and galadia? why are THEY listed on our freakin' spotify when other old loves aren't?? definitely something to explore when we're emotionally capable.
in any case back on topic. i surprisingly couldn't keep mimic's music on anyway-- that affection was CLASHING with the paint/ social context??? like I COULDN'T be "internal" with this "external" environment. so afraid of "doing something wrong" BY being affectionate. literally expecting to be castigated for it. that's shocking and hugely notable. says a LOT about WHY we were so freakin' wrecked in the past; if anything house-resonant PUSHES AWAY LOVE.
still. i fought it. remember how Chaos 0 was on cloud nine listening to the bublé songs, that album meant a lot to him both historically & presently. the only reason that original night meant anything was because "put your head on my shoulder" made me think of him and i will never forget that. absolute diamond in a coalmine.
feeling my soul standing at the edge of absolute depths with him. like yeah i'm glowing for laurie right now but... the ocean is closer than i realize. god knows i miss him terribly. but i pray, one night soon, i'm going to end up underwater. my heart will open up again.
don't forget the expression on his face when i quietly started to sing it with him.
tried to listen to some other things on shuffle but the strange ambient terror was getting so intense i couldn't. kept shuffling, cringing, afraid the neighbors would hear and yell and punish and report me. afraid i would play something "wrong" or "scandalous". losing sense of self. started to dissociate severely.
when cleaning up, realized i am SEVERELY TRIGGERED BY BOTH LOOSE GLITTER AND THE SMELL OF PAINT????????
Legitimately having panic attacks. scared to death. getting VISUAL FLASHBACKS of places and events we HAD FORGOTTEN EXISTED. from time periods lost to active memory. JARRING.
how the heck did we ever think we "had to be an artist." virtually EVERY memory tied to the smell of paint is FEAR-CHOKED.
ah well. guess this means we can get all the bottles out of our pantry closet. give 'em back to mom maybe. they're just taking up space here.
Geez there is SO MUCH in this apartment from our "fugue" that we need to get rid of; it feels almost cursed.
whoever the heck bought the LITERAL THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF RELIGIOUS PARAPHERNALIA just boggles the mind. it's the worst ethical paradox. they used stolen money to buy holy items. it's chilling.
we can't sell or toss them, as they're blessed, so what do we do with them??? really gotta talk to a priest. we feel haunted.
still don't remember any of those years. so bizarre. cnc wrecked our psyche in such a devastating way; we didn't think something that lethal was even possible
Lights died in kitchen, the small ones over stove. darker and nervous now. half thinking "well it's fitting for lent" the other half thinking "i do not need to start having flashbacks in the kitchen."
Considering buying replacements tomorrow? if there's any local. don't think our body, budget, or schedule can tolerate a longer trip anywhere.
Uploading more hospital entries & listening to FLOR PEETERS ARE YOU HAPPY SPOTIFY
seriously every time i put it on shuffle it KEEPS PLAYING FLOR PEETERS. wtf dude. who even added this album yes it's choral but it's too dissonant & dark to be "faved." ah well. the mysteries of multiplicity.
Body still very sick. Wondering if its a stomach bug for real.
Also worried about our diet. We have such a poor appetite we're at 1200k and virtually no carbs other than carrots. Concerned about health impact.
Psalm 88 hits like a knife between the ribs
Mimic quietly asking me "why are you highlighting it all in grey. are you saying you've felt like that?"
surprisingly silent. stated at one point that he was shocked this sort of agonized lament was in the bible, but even moreso that the guy was still praying. even if he was flat-out saying "God YOU put me in this tomb" he was still following that up with "but I beg you to hear my prayer, please save me, and I will praise Your goodness" etc. not bargaining, just pleading. "my eyes hurt from crying so much." heartwrenching psalm. admitted it was one of my favorites though. mimic said "yeah you would like it," said i'm "into emotions like that"
trying to do some more upmc uploading, but it's awfully depressing
body is SO HUNGRY. took our blood sugar and it's 114???? literally TWO HOURS after eating. what the heck. probably because we ate extra triscuits out of "we're not getting enough carbs" fear. wtf body what are you doing
ANYWAY in taking the blood sample i stabbed our finger unexpectedly hard, i jumped and took a sharp breath. i kid you not i immediately saw Laurie rush to me in our mind, shaken & concerned, asking "kid what happened?"
i laughed, but my heart was struck. "you have no idea how CLEARLY i saw you when that happened."
she laughed, shortly, convicted. i purposely took another sample and the same thing happened-- i winced audibly, and she jumped, like she was about to catch or protect me. but man her eyes. you know her and blood, when it's mine.
glucose still ~110, and we have both awful hunger pains & a headache so i think we're going to just sleep.
but... geez. yeah how laurie looked-- so clearly-- was one thing; the way she felt was a whole other thing. like a knife to the heart. i miss feeling that from her. i miss being close to her. i miss being close to everyone; we've been a wreck since cnc and I desperately want to just love again, without the trauma sinking its fangs into my neck.
anyway. sick, exhausted, in pain. hoping tomorrow is better. i'll clean this up then.
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