122022

 

(disjointed entry. very unfinished. need to post anyway because we're falling into neglect)


This day lasted for like... five days, haha. I don't know why it felt so long, but it did.
Honestly I wonder if it's because we haven't been putting much System time in? The body's been sick, we've been depressed and disturbed, our past is haunting us and our future feels empty. I haven't been typing. The one major point of light is that we are still talking consistently and constantly during the day, which makes even these long difficult days beautiful in those moments. Remember that.
 

Up at 8am, awful headache still. head throbbing with pain. wanted to throw up. wondering if this is sinuses, muscle tension, or migraines. either way it's miserable.

Unsound sleep too. Thinking too many blankets; the heat is very triggering in any case

 

Therapy at 9

nowhere to park! had to park in the gas station lot across the street. offhandedly mentioned this to therapist as an explanation as to why we were a few minutes late, and bless this woman she said "oh i don't want you to be towed, let me see where you're parked and maybe i can find a better spot for you?" so she TOOK US OUTSIDE and when we pointed out the car in the lot, she WENT INTO THE GAS STATION and flat-out asked the manager if "my colleague" could park there. they said yeah, that's fine, and we went back to the office. but GEEZ OKAY SUDDEN PROMOTION, haha. laurie was teasing me about it. yeah it was just for the sake of appearances, but still. it felt weirdly nice, to momentarily feel like we had a purpose. like we meant something to other people. not just another "sick in the head" patient. want to think about that feeling more, what it entails, what it brings up.

Figuring out rough treatment plan today.
main goal is reducing the frequency of trauma symptoms, mainly flashbacks. we were deeply disturbed to realize that we get them almost HOURLY now. didn't realize it was that bad until we started listing examples for her, to get a "measurable" grip on the situation. legit they almost never stop now. come out of nowhere, knock us completely off kilter. harrowing to become aware of this. never this bad until inpatient i think. eating disorder kept us sedated scared and distracted enough after all.
somehow segued into a datadump about family & social "perfectionism" fear & exhaustion? oh yeah she asked us if one of our goals would be "improving communication skills & social skills" or something, and our kneejerk response was RAGE & TERROR. so we admitted that and started to explain.
...

Realized we typically DON'T face or process those topics when at "home" (in the apartment); we aren't AWARE of the problems because we're so DETACHED from physical life and ESPECIALLY physical relationships

in any case we still have a MASSIVE MIND-BODY DISCONNECT

decided my second goal is "I want to be able to feel emotions again" = vs emotional condemnation internalized from family; no vulnerability, no weakness
discussed that at length too. disturbing. we didn't realize how much hatred we have internalized OF emotions that are labeled as "stupid" or "manipulative" or "lazy" or "selfish" etc. notsomuch "weak" as "evil." like, the weakness is spiritual, and it's because you're cruel and malevolent. really really twisted. but makes sense, considering the messages of our upbringing. lots from mom, notably the "crocodile tears" accusations constantly. "you're only crying because you want to hurt me" and stuff like that. grandma saying "you're not really sorry. you're lying. you always lie." etc.
...

 

afterwards we had debit cash and so we went shopping: redners, Aldi, Walmart, double riteaid. we're already on the road so our mind was able to do so. do not want to go out again tomorrow, need to take a day off to recover and then of course it's the blessed christmas trinity weekend so our only outing is MUCH CHURCH
flat out ran through the stores, haha. booked it and grabbed what we needed and left asap. genesis was there of course but i actually stayed more internal? like didn't even fully anchor into the body. getting really socially manic as always (fear response, i can feel it, that's crazy) and genesis kept calling me out on it, strictly so. thank goodness. i don't know what i'd do without him.
a= got broccoli (we're eating 2 bags a day now so we wanted to restock a bit), and one tin of mints
r= got lemonade apples, because xenophon likes them a lot and they will also now forever remind me of both infinitii and mimic from the time we got them earlier this month
w= got laundry soap, antacids, bloodsugar stabs, red del/ ambrosia apples, and i think that's it? looked for the emergen-c vitamins then realized oh hold up, we got those at wegmans. not going that far today! so decided to check riteaid
ra= got bloodsugar sticks, the last two! thank god they're frequently sold out. the first store was out of emergenc but there was a spot for it, and there's another store down the street from our house and they had it. the cashier at the first store enthusiastically complimented our hair to which we laughed and replied "kitchen scissors & the bathroom mirror"
still. she said "i'd kill for hair like that" and uh lady, you don't say things like that as a joke. but how do we say that in public. social mode shuts us down, makes us laugh and play it off, while inside we're screaming or seething and we just... lock up. automatically smile and nod and play the role. but it's so dishonest. still! how do you speak up like that without "destroying the conversation?" we were always told "no one wants to hear about that" etc. "people don't want to be lectured they want to be entertained" yeah but we're sick of being the clown.
geez on that note i miss spinel. never forget our sister watching the movie then crashing into our room in tears and shouting "SPINEL IS YOU. SHE'S JUST YOU." set the whole world reeling. oh we knew, she was like looking into a mirror, but for our family to see it just as clearly...
in any case. gotta think about this more. hate having to "tread my moral integrity underfoot" just to be "sociable." part of me WANTS to be the madman with no mental filter who doesn't care about "polite conversation" or "proper manners" or whatever. take the script and burn it. hate having to always perform. want to be absolutely loony if that's what it takes to be true. honestly that's an ancient secret aspiration, why do you think we loved jesters & disney sidekicks so much as a kid? always wanted to be the "crazy guy" speaking truth. never had the guts, but always had the heart. gotta work on that more.
 

Home for 11! Got everything we needed too, thank God. unfinished lists are like chalkboard nails in my head.

however, realized i "forgot" orange yogurt for Xenophon. wasn't on the list, but it's her favorite and we're out, and we can only get it at redners. Promised I'd get her some on the way home from choir.

 

saw 1111 on all the clocks, actually ran around the apartment to do so, haha
felt like a kiss from god, first glimmer of "hope" we've had all day
 

Breakfast gang!

Leon & Scalpel! oh man i hope they become close friends that would be so great. i know leon is still quietly in mourning, and scalpel is such a friendly dude but there's like no one else in his realm. which is so weird. red has always been the cor(e) color, but we ironically don't know much about it? like how does it manifest? what's it's vibe? what are its true associations in the system? all a mystery. that's why javier was literally constructed; the system couldn't naturally "make" a red nousfoni because that wasn't an open hue at ALL... except for splinters. razor, batta, hatchet, cleaver, zwei, even lynne at first... every nousfoni that's EVER been "red" has broken off FROM the cor(e) in some respect. which is INSANE and i can't believe we've never really typed about that?
when i refine this entry, DO THAT. either now or elsewhere. but do NOT postpone these topics, they are too vital.

BTW I forget how this came up-- I think Julie was talking to me after breakfast, as we brushed our teeth? (She's like the only nousfoni who CAN talk to fronters in that environment) But whatever we were discussing, she declared that she is now the "stepmother" of EVERY child in the system. She said, "if it weren't for me, none of this would have happened, so I have a personal responsibility to all of them." She emphasized that she wants such a maternal-esque involvement, anyway-- she's not their mother, and does not plan to be, but she still wants to be so specially close & in a caring role. That... meant so much to me, to hear.
(We... need specific jargon for the children, really. "pinkchild" was first thought but doesn't fit. too much trauma involved. i'll think of something.)

SPEAKING of motherhood though. That has shockingly (but unsurprisingly somehow) proven to be INFINITII, IN ALL CASES. We've always known that "Blackspace" is the "cosmic womb" of the innerworld, the "infinite potential" that we all ultimately come from-- Whitespace, in contrast, is more structural & less "organic" in vibe-- but we never considered that Infi would ALSO hold that role AS the Black Core. Which is HUGE.
Yes, for a while we all were "suspecting" a sort of "mother" Nousfoni in Black, but it never materialized in any respect. Well NOW WE KNOW WHY.
A vital addition: motherhood is not safe in humans, for us. That would make it TERRIFYING. So it's actually weirdly perfect for Infi, who was born to manifest sexuality & sensuality in an explicitly comprehensive yet non-abusive manner, and who is OBVIOUSLY not human, would be able to hold a mother-analogous role when no one else ever could.
Still. "Mother" is such a traumatized term. I honestly don't even know if it has any positive solid associations in the League???? It's all like... single fathers, mostly. That's always been our thing. Yes there are human parents in some Leagueworlds, but offhand, I can sadly tell you that the "mothers" were always detrimental to their children. That breaks my heart, and worries me greatly, but it no longer is a shock, since our NC experience revealed that MOST of the early Leagueworlds were direct expressions of Jewel's subconscious, and all the stuff she COULDN'T and WOULDN'T acknowledge consciously, got shunted into her creative endeavors. So... healing those worlds is important, too.
Geez. Remind me to talk about this more, especially with Celebi, AND Infinitii. This is absolutely breaking new ground for us in the System.
...Hm. This will probably both benefit from and for my understanding of the Virgin Mary, too, in terms of what real motherhood IS.
We, sadly, have the abused-sexuality aspect to our experience, though. Our religion does not. So... we just have to pray for help with that. Lord knows He's done that so far, against all odds. Yeah, we still have so far to go, almost overwhelmingly so, but... God has never let us down, and I can say with total conviction that He never will. So... trust in that. He knows why we're dealing with this now, and He will bring us all to a brighter state of heart through this. I can promise you that.

 

youniverse daily devotion: Jerry Flowers PREACH

quote: "Whenever purpose is unknown, abuse is imminent....  When you don't know the purpose of a thing you'll abuse it. Don't abuse your light. Don't hide it or dim it down  So that you could be accepted among social groups.  You are made to be a light of the world, so... shine, so that others may see our Savior."

"An ambassador is an accredited official from another kingdom."
We are on earth as ambassadors from GOD'S Kingdom, to shine the Light which IS CHRIST-- in this world there IS NO LIGHT APART FROM HIM.

 

Mimic grilling me about faith questions again

Honestly I'm beginning to love that he does this

...
i'm, uh, beginning to love him too, to be honest. not sure how so, but i know how my heart feels around most of the outspacers and this is different. not like chaos 0 of course, no one will ever get to his level, but... maybe because he's from the same universe? i feel like i would honestly like to be closer to him. maybe it's just vague imaginings. still, i should think about it more.
i should talk about it more.
genesis is an inspacer so he's in a league of his own, pun intended. celebi is arguably the first outspacer (2001) and i do love her, but she's one of the very rare girls so she, too, is in a different category. despite how many crushes & squishes i get on ladies, and how many "hello nurse" moments i have even with human gals-- yes i know trauma has screwed me up mentally & i struggle with misdirected rage but girls are still really freakin pretty and deep down i don't hate them, cross my heart-- there are like... no female outspacers. i think it's sadly because females in media are... not portrayed well. they're too often hypersexualized or written in ways that clash cacophonously with our inner atmosphere. still, we would like to have more of 'em. there's just a lot of fear around them, too, with the internalized homophobia and the trauma panic reactive instinct. even so, lots of masculine-coded creatures up here. notably no humans, in either respect. the only human outspacers that EVER stuck around were bakura & marik, who we still say only stuck because they're androgynous, young, and mentally screwy like us, haha. hey, we bonded over all that as a teen. it meant a lot honestly.
even so. i... never felt that close to them. yeah, i love them, but... still. human boys. there will always be distance there, put bluntly, because even when "i" was 13 i didn't identify as entirely human and i still struggle with it. so... no one was too surprised when i fell in love with chaos 0 at that same age.
even now, let me list all the "active" outspacers i can think of... mimic, phlegmoni, galadia, gleam, ventrium, celebi, chaos 0, possibly barry but only AS that skull-headed suit of armor; his presence in headspace is detached from his canon human self and inevitably so. still, the dude needs a leagueworld or he'll never be able to do much in here. he's just a "visitor," unable to stick around for long due to having no "roots." all the older outspacers that jewel tried to bring in but who NEVER visited-- davy & grievous come to mind-- are in the League now.
geez we have less outspacers than i thought. i remember back on blurty jewel would list tons of potential folks but none of them ever entered headspace. she would reach out once or twice, but never pursue it, and sometimes didn't even offer a door. i don't think she could without a legit Link and she DIDN'T ALWAYS FORM THOSE, believe it or not.
nevertheless. a topic we brought up today was how outspacer anchorage is strongly affected by their canon history-- and how that is notably explicit in Pokemon outspacers. In-game, they have NO HISTORY unless YOU make one, as their Trainer. THAT'S why they would always go straight to Moralimon, because that's Jewel's heartworld and if she was close to any pocket monsters they would inevitably catch her vibe in that respect. ...However. Recent years, so to speak, have Pokemon in headspace, because our Klonoa-haired Jewel wasn't their in-game trainer! So it's different. They aren't in the League (yet?) and as such their identities are very unstable. That's why Ventrium died so suddenly, and even now I only list him because there is the slightest ping to his name and although that's joyous it is incredibly faint. He cannot truly "resurrect" WITHOUT a life TO resurrect. Like the system children, his soul needs careful loving attention. That's a specific focused job.
...That's probably why I feel closer to Mimic. I have been SERIOUSLY giving him attention, since I feel so drawn to him inexplicably as a character, almost in spite of his terrible behavior-- in truth I see too much of myself in him. Barry, too, which is why he ended up in here. There's always a point of resonance, something even deeper than aesthetics.
Still. Let me stop avoiding the point i want to make. i can expand upon it more later.
I don't get dreams like this with outspacers. Ever. Chaos 0 and Celebi are the only ones I have EVER dreamed of. So... that alone speaks volumes. And it's been the weirdest thing, getting to know him AFTER that. I compared it to Stein's Gate before; it's really true. It happened and yet it didn't. Neither of us mention it outright but we don't deny it either. It's the mormyrinae in the room, haha. And honestly I'm not ready to discuss it, because I haven't processed it. I could ask the same question. Why you, why me? I have no idea what my subconscious is doing. But I really should sit down and try to look at it. Infinitii could definitely help, God knows that's hir function, really.
...I do feel a similar closeness-seeking thing with Ventrium & maybe even Gleam, but that's mutual. They have totally different personalities; they're very fragile & broken like me, so the closeness is almost instant & inevitable. Not so with the octopus. He's a challenge, dude, he can be a pain in the neck but I love him, and I'm wondering just how much weight I'm putting into that word. I'm... learning a lot, from this. I'm growing a lot as a person, emotionally too. It's so weird. But I'm so grateful for this, as unexpected and unpredictable as it is.
 

 

After breakfast, ended up spontaneously organizing the refrigerator to "declutter" and so help avoid mental meltdowns-- not only does disorganization trigger unhealthy behaviors, but we always get nervous after eating, and hard focus helps alleviate it. we're learning to manage it better. after the other night we are determined to prevent any further lapses at all costs, god give us strength & grace because we need it!
Put all frozen english muffins & bread into little ziplocs, because in the original plastic they were getting super freezerburned, and we only eat one slice of either a day anyway. felt nice to organize it all and throw out the frosty packaging.
finished the rainbow carrots for breakfast, so opened the 5lb orange bag to snip & bag those up too

"JEWEL" doppelganger ED voice?? MORE "red" thoughts.
(TYPE ABOUT THIS!! "face" masking because they're too close in color and DON'T have their own identities??? also BODY SHARING with other socials, "bleedover" in appearances, esp. with the body?)

freakin' JESSICA SHOWED UP?????

 

Pomander w/ Xenophon for a full hour

Listening to Tokimonsta album

Chaos 0, Genesis, Infinitii joined up
felt like such a family. it was the most beautiful hour i've spent in a while
(remember the jokes we were making about song titles; that was great)

 

Mentioned Celebi baby embryo egg to Genesis

First a rather deadpan disbelieving "what" like he thought he misheard me
Chaos said no, really, she was with Jayce, so we think it's hers
Genesis wide-eyed "WHAT????" response, genuinely stunned.

Legit VERY upset that he wasn't told sooner? felt like it was a betrayal of our close friendship. "out of the loop." I said I really haven't told anyone outright; in truth he was one of the first few people to know, besides laurie & infi.

Chaos commented to him that "he might be next"

another very quiet "what" of absolute shock

Teared up a bit. THEN said loudly to me "well I'D BETTER BE"

(For the record Xenophon is actually rather giddy that she will eventually have siblings)

 

Fire alarm went off the instant we finished with the cloves (need a few more, will get)

Brushed teeth instead. Laurie commented on this dangerously nonchalant attitude

 

Cleanup & alarm finished for 3pm

Chaplet on bike 

For some reason looked up old friends online?
Feel worthless, useless, stupid, inept in comparison 
Devastatingly depressed 
 
...
they... offhandedly mentioned us. said that they were terrified to face their own d.i.d. because they only knew one other person who did have it-- and "their disorder was so severe they could not function."
didn't we just type about this?
it's true. it breaks our heart that our own stupid screwed up brain hindered someone else's healing. the fact that our damage was THAT STRIKING and yet we couldn't see it. it was our "normal." how many people have we hurt without realizing it?

Got into "gender depression" again on top of all this; struggling so hard with the entire topic
Reading about neopronouns & such? realizing that i, as the new core, do NOT fit EITHER binary pronoun, which is new. feeling out what might work instead.

stumbled across an article about gender & sexuality which opened with the honestly shocking line, "sexuality... is about who you are." explained that this is because it inherently describes & involves one's own "innate sense of gender" as well as "the ways in which we experience attraction to other people."
thinking about that. knocked me off focus entirely. always used to admittedly sneer at lgbtq+ folks who treated gender & sexuality as this "big important thing" because i "didn't care" or at least was shoving it under the floorboards.
didn't really read the article entirely; brain not in a good space. really should read it later though. but thinking about the implications of that opening statement. it's... upsettingly accurate. infuriating in a sense. not invalidating aces though-- the article mentions them outright. i'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that yeah, no matter how i try to "fix myself" or let other people try to-- i'm still asexual. it's religiously terrifying, and personally a huge relief.
...

reading all of that made me feel... despair. really it did.
but. then i got an email from ewtn. pope francis's angelus message today.
https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/253108/pope-francis-st-joseph-shows-us-how-to-respond-to-disappointed-dreams
it was... exactly what i needed to hear. lit the candle of hope immediately.
thank you god.

biked for an hour while doing all this, which was nice. slow, but still high resistance.

had lunch at 530. no memory of it atm.
Chatting about current bible reading process: job chapter 36 (studying this book so hard)
Me, Laurie, Xenophon, Chaos 0, Mimic, Phlegmoni, Galadia
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/job/36-7.htm ← actively discussing matthew henry's commentary line by line w/ the outspacers. amazing conversation honestly.


630pm CHOIR!
Did a "dress rehearsal" of the pre-vigil kolędy, took 45 solid minutes, sounds wonderful. jh solo beautiful. the kid's voice sounds better in the evening haha
we didn't rehearse ours but he did confirm that we ARE doing it AT THE VIGIL. ;________; DREAM COME TRUE
we took our binder home and we plan on HOPEFULLY either typing it into noteworthy composer and/or playing it up the homestead for mom, and rehearsing. it's in g minor so we know.
ah this is such an honor and a blessing though. god please let us sing to glorify you. all for you.

SHOPPING after choir like i promised! went to the twin's old workplace. so many good headspace memories of sitting in that lot at night in the winter, waiting to pick them up from work, and listening to the soundcloud system sountracks. that was the most beautiful winter of our life, really. it warms our heart to remember. even with all the legit terror that also happened that year, haha. the goodness was so genuine and so strong that it overwhelms all else.
i think we still have some of those songs saved to our flashdrive (Iridesce)??? they don't exist online anymore. geez we should put them on our phone.
anyway! got xenophon 4 orange yogurts, 2 lingonberry ones for mimic (don't tell him), extra cloves for the pomander, jumbo eggs, a tiny carton of probiotic cottage cheese (no fillers or additives, gonna try it because it's a good extra protein add-in), blue & red sunchips "because it's christmas" and i want to give those e.d. voices the chance to not only learn to enjoy food & eat it properly, but also to be merciful and not "punish them" by refusing to have any chips in the house... and BIGASS APPLES, haha. seriously this store has gigantic apples and no one else does. and they had a different kind of ambrosia? so we got 4 of those & 4 more red delicious (i know people joke about them, but they don't hurt our teeth, we like their unique flavor and they're SO RED) and i think that was it. ended up being like 60 bucks haha. oh yeah they also had blueberry yogurt, and cherry high-protein kind (new!), both of which i bravely got to try because i still don't know if i like either, and it's been junked out of fear in the past so of course, silly me, i "have to give it another chance." saying "me" there feels very blurry btw. more of a jewel or jess feeling than a jay. yes we all deal in mercy & hope, but that application to food is a feminine aspect. important, yes, but specific.
...

when we got home we actually had a tiny "dinner", as we knew we would be up until like 2am trying to catch up on typing, and since "lunch" was at 530, leaving it at that would mean... fasting for 17 hours. NOPE. it's tempting, but after seeing what it does to our mental state, it's also stupid. so we can't. gonna try to work in at least an evening apple into the plan from now on, if we're gonna be up so late. don't want any bloodsugar crashes.
dinner was a fortune cookie ("acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea"), a red delicious apple, and one of those blueberry yogurts. well they taste like childhood summertime. so they are BOTH lovely and terrifying, haha. geez. childhood is so weird in that respect; it's all wonder surrounded by fear. 
like we said in therapy, though, those memories are all but entirely missing. the few memories we "have" are secondhand, from watching family videos-- they AREN'T personal memories, they're just "data." something we were shown and can recite back as a cold fact. but we weren't there.
most of our actual memories, in general, are traumatic. it's terrible.
the only good memories we can easily list are from headspace.

...

oh geez it's 2:40am i am late for work, see you kids later!