emmanuel devotional day 01

All right, I've been wanting to try doing a daily Scripture devotional on my own, so I've started a 28-day plan and I'll be taking the prompts from there.



DAY 01: THE AUTHORITY OF KING JESUS

Jesus, Who is God, died to give me abundant life, and this was done in total love. He longs to guide me towards new life in His grace, but that grace can only come to the humble! If I stubbornly insist on clinging to "control" in my own life, regardless of how spiritually blind I inevitably am without God's Light, then I will be trapped in a loop of darkness and I will be living a false "life" of death.
I am but a creature; I do not have any power over my own life. Ultimately, everything is in God's hands. Realizing this is actually joyful-- it frees me from the burden of confused lonely struggle apart from Him.
When I willingly submit to His authority as King of all Creation, He responds with deep affection, as the Father He Is, and uses His authority to transform my life into what He wants for me, which is GOODNESS. He will never lead me to sin! Everything He does can be trusted and relied on. To submit to His authority means to have peace, for then you know that your life is in the most capable Hands of all.
However... we still have the gift of free will. Therefore, this total surrender of "control" is effectively a "death to self." We must cooperate with God's control; He will not "take the reins" from us. Relationship is not domineering, it is a shared effort, and to serve anyone-- even a King-- requires a personal act of choice! So we must choose to admit our powerlessness and lack of knowledge, as well as our weaknesses and fears, and say: "God, I want You to be King of my entire life. I want to live not just as Your servant, but also as Your friend. Tell me what I must do to honor and serve You. Thy will be done; not mine." Such a "death to the world" is frightening-- unless we have faith in a life greater than this. When we trust that "there is more to life than this life," and so stop vainly prioritizing temporal and empty things, we do receive abundance of the true life-- of eternal life, which is found only in relationship with God, the King.
That simple statement is profound. God is the Creator and Ruler of everything, including little me. He made me, and the stars, and the sea, and things I cannot even fathom. He became a human being and died in order to save me from death and restore me to communion with Him, and with all of Creation. He is a King, yes, but not like a human king-- God rules with justice and mercy, righteousness and truth, gentleness and courage, compassion and love. I want to serve such a King; I want to worship such a God!
But what does it mean to serve God-- the King of all virtue, Who has supreme authority over all Creation?
Put most simply, to serve Him is to obey His commands, and "the greatest of these is Love." Love God, love your fellow man, and let that define everything. It is as simple-- and as difficult, Lord have mercy on me a sinner-- as that.

So here is the application:
What would it look like to "crown God as King" of the following aspects of my life?

PLANS: whatever I want to do with my day, I must always ask, "how will that glorify God?" Am I being a "good steward" of the gift of time with that planned activity? Will that plan help me to serve God's people in a real way? Will it bring my heart closer to God? OR... is that activity "vain" and without any thought of God? Is it a foolish use of time, with no purpose other than entertainment or distraction? Is that plan detrimental to others, at any point?
For Christ to be King of my plans, I must present every plan TO Him, as if seeking approval for a project. In doing so, I will be conscientious to purify my plans, and avoid unwise decisions.

EFFORTS: similar to plans, what am I working for? When I put energy and time into something, who is it serving-- God, or myself? Is that activity worth the effort? Or is it going to drain me and leave me feeling hollow and disappointed and depressed? Is that effort aimed at eternity, or this fleeting life? Is it something that can disappear in an instant, with no spiritual gain? Or is it something that will benefit my soul-- and the souls of others-- for the glory of God? Is this effort an act of service, or of selfishness? 
For Christ to be King of my efforts, I must work as if He is overseeing the entire project-- as if I must report my activity to Him at the end. I must be accountable. Will my report make Him smile, or will it make Him sad? Remember, He doesn't get "angry"-- He grieves when I do wrong because it hurts me, who He loves!

EMOTIONS: what sort of emotions do I entertain? As a Christian, I "represent" Christ just as a soldier represents his nation. Do my emotions do Him dishonor? Do they scandalize the Christian name? Furthermore, my emotions do not occur in a vacuum; negative ones hurt others, as much as they hurt myself. Am I wounding the Body of Christ in this way?  Do I hold on to anger, resentment, bitterness, rage? Do I pout, complain, whine, and gripe? Do I give in to sorrow, disappointment, despair, melancholy, depression? Am I at the mercy-- or lack thereof-- of shifting emotional states? Do I let my emotions run wild and untamed? Or do I suppress and deny my emotions, practicing psychic dishonesty and refusing to acknowledge the difficulties of life? Do I see emotions such as happiness, peacefulness, playfulness, warmth, and optimism as "weak" or "foolish"? Do I crush positive emotions when they appear, out of judgment or fear? Am I in control of my emotions, or do they control me? 
For Christ to be King of my emotions, I must let Him control them. He is the Prince of Peace and the Lord of Love, and when I focus on Him, He will enable me to feel those benevolent emotions that CAN only occur in truth via grace-- spirits of patience, hope, courage, tenderness, gratitude, humor, wonder, inspiration, love-- and His Light will shine to soothe and scatter all the dark feelings that imprisoned me.

RELATIONSHIPS: does God come first? Do I enter relationships with mutual growth in holiness as the goal? Do I value my family ties, or do I neglect communicating with my own blood relatives? Do I value friendships, or do I scoff at such interactions? Do I avoid associating with others out of a reluctance to form any ties? Do I "take" from others in relationships, using personal associations for selfish gain or benefit, and never for the good of the other party? Do I refuse to associate with certain groups or classes of people? Do I fake or rush my way through conversations, instead of listening? Do I prioritize my own preferences and wants over the needs of others? Do I consider anyone undesirable or even hateful? Do I seek to repair damage I have done to others, or do I refuse to even admit I am responsible? Do I care for strangers? Do I reach out to the ignored and forgotten? Do I go out of my way to help those who cannot or will not do anything for me in return? Do I purposely cut people out of my life, either through aggression or neglect? Do I "pretend" to be a friend for the sake of social appearances, only to ignore that person in private? Am I warm towards others? Do I comfort those in pain? Do I actively look for ways to help others? Am I a part of my local community? Am I an active member of my church? Do I even know my neighbors? Have I spoken to anyone today? When was the last time you called your father? Do you even know how your siblings are doing? Do you ever offer to help your mother? Who does the world see you as? Have you made any effort to see the rest of the world? If you died today, what would your obituary say? Would anyone come to your funeral? Have you loved people, or just yourself?
For Christ to be King of my relationships, I must seek to imitate Him in each one, for He IS the God OF relationship-- He is part of The Holy Trinity, the heart of God expressed AS relationship. Humankind was created for similar communion: "It is not good for man to be alone." Christ Jesus became a baby and as such He experienced the full range of human society-- he had parents, cousins, neighbors, friends, disciples, enemies, etc. And He loved all of them. He did not shun anyone, or refuse anyone, or push anyone away. He constantly sought to serve others with the utmost care and concern, never shrinking from personal expense or endeavor, always going the extra mile to show love to someone in need. As He is my King, I must reflect that very demeanor in earnest. I, too, must seek human relationships for His sake-- I must be part of human society as an emissary of Christ, as someone who genuinely loves others and wants to be a light in their lives, not for my sake or recognition, but for God's honor, and for their good. Whether with family, or friends, or neighbors, or strangers, or partners, every single relationship in my life must be defined by this higher love-- this seeking of the Kingdom of Heaven, and the endeavor to bring it about within the context of my relationships.

FINANCES: Do I recognize that ALL my money is a gift from God? It is "power," and all power is from Him, and therefore should be used for Him. What am I spending my money on? Am I wasting it on trivial things, on possessions that serve no spiritual purpose? Am I giving money to those who do not have enough? Am I taking care of myself with my funds? Am I a penny-pincher to the point of neglecting both myself and others? Am I a spendthrift to the point of fomenting greed and inclination to luxury? If I had to "send God my receipts," would I be ashamed? Can I give a solid, honorable reason for every transaction? Am I willing to share what I buy with others? Am I willing to sacrifice a purchase for the sake of using that money on someone in need?
For Christ to be King of my finances, He must get the "first cut" of them. I must tithe before I do anything else. I must also be aware of where every dollar goes, and why-- I must be responsible, and accountable. Like time, every penny must be accounted for. And, like Him, I must also give. Money may give one "power" in this world, but it is also just paper. Wealth is meant for the glory of God, Who is the only true Wealth of all things. And remember-- your cash is all on loan. "You can't take it with you," but you will take the record of its use, and THAT is how you "pay God back." He doesn't want the money-- He wants the Good you should be doing with it!

PAST: it cannot be changed. What's done is done, as horrible as it may be. Do I still obsess over it? Do I refuse to forgive myself? Do I constantly replay past hurts over and over in my head? Do I define myself by the sins I have committed? Do I define others by their mistakes and offenses? Do I constantly wish I could rewind time, and forget to live today? Do I hold on to grudges, regrets, traumas, disappointments, and "if only"s? Do I let "what was" blind me to "what IS"?
For Christ to be King of my past, I must leave it in His hands, and trust that if I confess my sins and truly repent, He will forgive even the worst things I have done. The past cannot be erased, but it can be redeemed.

PRESENT: am I "present" for it? Do I take the day for granted? Do I thank God for every new morning, and every new night? Do I put time aside for God every day? Do I see my life as a series of empty motions, of mechanical routines, or as a gift to do good and so help realize the Kingdom of Heaven? Do I see my life as a gift? Do I pray regularly? How do I schedule my time? Do I say daily prayers? What takes up my daily focus and attention? Do I work on building a relationship with Christ, or do I put it off until tomorrow? Am I productive spiritually?
For Christ to be King of my present, He must be at the front of my heart in every moment. He must be before me always, leading my every thought and action, my constant goal and Guide.

FUTURE: is it aimed towards God? Do I have hope for it at all? Am I working towards the Kingdom, or am I stagnating in despair and uselessness? Am I forming habits and patterns that serve the world, or God? Do I have goals and aspirations for my faith life? Can I identify ways I want to grow and change for the better, and am I making efforts towards that end? Do I believe I can be better? Do I believe that there is a life after this one? How often do I think of death? How often do I think of heaven? Do I consider how my actions will affect those around me, and the generations to come? Do I care about the future of humanity? Do I make an effort to improve it, even in little ways? Do I pray for the future of our world? Do I pray for hope? Do I have dreams at all? 
For Christ to be King of my future, He must be the ultimate end I strive for in all things. Even if I can't "see past today," I can still orient my present actions towards good consequences. I must constantly "keep my sights set on eternity" and do all things with that biggest picture in mind. I must remember that one day I will stand before the Just Judge and if I have not lived as His Friend then I will be subject to deserved punishment. I must have hope in His Mercy and live according to it.



"You were not created to be the king of your own life. You were not designed to bear the burden of doing life apart from the lordship of Jesus Christ. And you will never know true peace, joy, purpose, and love until you submit all you are to all God is."

 

PEACE comes from knowing that we have nothing to worry over, or fear, with God leading the way. We can trust completely in His Good Judgment despite all apparent circumstances.
JOY comes from knowing that all God has planned for us is Good, and that no matter what struggles we may face in the process here on earth, following Him will lead us to heaven.
PURPOSE comes from the amazing realization that, in obeying God's Will, we are cooperating with DIVINE Will, the ultimate purpose of all things! All that we do in this respect has an eternal echo.
LOVE comes from the relationship we will be building with God as we obey and serve Him as partners in His plan for our life, AND the greater purpose of REALITY, for we are part of Creation and we are the only creatures that CAN cooperate with Him so consciously & willingly. This privilege alone should inspire love, but the true love, the deepest love, that every human being desires at heart, is known only in response to that love shown by Christ-- a love which motivated Him to be born as a human like us in order to share our lives, and to die for us in order for us to share His life. This is what we can be a part of even now.
 

...Honestly, though, I'm in too much of "religious mode" with all this. I need to stop doing that. I HAVE to be HONEST about all this AS MYSELF, not as a "proper persona". That cuts out all the actual spiritual progress with this.
That's why I quit Tumblr; I wasn't actually living my faith; I was just preaching.
I might have to redo this some other time, in a different context.
I'll see how I progress with this devotion. I definitely need to approach it from a different angle.
Still, I am glad I am putting this effort forward. No effort dedicated to God is ever wasted. He will use this, too, for the good of our soul. I do have faith in that. But... I do have to ask Him to, as well. Relationship is key; He can't be "my King" if He's just "in the background."
So... God, help me to do better in all these respects. Help me to actually, really, seek to serve You and Your Kingdom of Love & Truth in ALL the facets of my existence, especially inside, which I did not discuss here at all.
Help my faith. Help it to be complete, not half-hearted, pun intended.
Help me to focus my life on You, even if it's not as blatantly as through a devotional like this. I want You to be part of everything, not just as a King, but as a friend. I really do want that. Please, I pray, help me with that.
Jesus, help me to know You better, because only then-- only through such love-- will I be able to serve You as You deserve.

121922

monday.

i... don't remember today at all.

we had an appointment with our other nutritionist at 2pm. she keeps pushing the inpatient plan, which is literally 4000K+ and ridiculously expensive. we told her we've "edited the plan" and are spacing meals more, fasting regularly to alleviate the otherwise-constant body sickness & mental fog, and have streamlined our nutritional options & needs so that we, ideally, don't have to "plan" anymore-- we have a set schedule & setup and it takes away all the stress of number-crunching.
we do feel weirdly depressed after talking to her. it's like, she pushes food so much. and we are so tired of our live revolving around eating. that was our trauma-abuse addiction for two entire decades and we want OUT. it's devoured enough of our life. we've talked about this enough already. we are sick and tired of people acting like eating should be "fun" and "enjoyable" and "social" and all that. no. we like what we have, we talk together and do our scripture study while we eat, we get done, we clean up, we go back to work. simple as that. no "novelty items" or "adventurous" things. that's ridiculous. no "snacks" for heaven's sakes, that's a RULE. this woman keeps telling us "eat every three hours and have snacks" nope. never. that would put us right back in disordered behavior hell. there is more to life than food, so don't you dare go telling us to make life revolve around food again. never again. we're done.

let me check the phone to give you guys a better update on general events

oh yeah, now i know why today was so messed up.
we had that horrid bingepurge last night. short, but it shook us bad. they always do. at the hospital they kept emphasizing how purging "traumatizes" your body and we scoffed at that, "you're just being dramatic and using scary language." plus we still hate ourselves deep down for using the term "traumatized" for ANYTHING, because of what past unhealthy friendships always seemed to tell us: "the problem is YOU. you DECIDED this was traumatic. YOU'RE the one who was abusive, YOU traumatized ME. I did nothing wrong. YOU'RE the problem." and the worst part is, all of that is true. at least, we believe it is. we were an asshole to those people. we know that. looking at it objectively, detached from whatever we were experiencing, our behavior was terrible. at least, what we remember-- and that was all our mental illness wrecking their lives and ours. but this isn't therapy, i can't get even more upset focusing on that hurt. "you're making it hurt." so much self-damnation. so much condemnation and mockery and ridicule and "invalidation." all "special snowflake" language. we internalized that hard.
but, the hospital said bodies can get traumatized. and the point i'm making here is, after last night, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
god it was so scary, please, please PLEASE don't ever let that happen to us again.

but our body, today, is in shambles.
our heart keeps skipping and hiccuping. we have a pounding headache that is so bad we can barely see, let alone think. we're so weak it's hard to move. we're exhausted and dizzy and disoriented. we're so tired, even though we slept for like ten hours.
how the heck did we survive the bulimic aspect of this eating disorder for ten hellish years. good lord. literally. if God wasn't white-knuckling us through existence we'd have died very, very fast. thanks god. proof that he cares, the fact that we're alive right now. even if we feel sick and depressed. we're in recovery!! we really are! and that's a good thing to remember. even if the mean parts of our brain don't believe it. don't listen to them. we ARE in recovery. look at how many normal days we have now. look at how much food we're keeping down. "how much food" is right, the mean ones say. "you're a literal glutton now. look how fat and ugly you are. hideous whore."
shut up shut up/

topic shift can't
can't do that now. sorry

deanery penance service at 7pm.
we had to eat dinner at 630 though. breakfast was late? noon i think? let me check the phone
yes 1145. full breakfast, with some extra olive oil to meet macros i guess. everything else totally normal. so that's good.
oh but dinner was at 7pm?? we were that late? wow i wonder why? what happened today?
dinner was normal too. gosh that's really good. i'm glad to just be able to say that. "normal mealplan everything went fine." gosh. it's been over a decade since we could say that i think. it's 2022 now? 2012 oh boy nope we were NOT eating normally at all back then, sorry old friends that year was when stuff started to get really bad, i remmeber that'swhen emmett showed up first. i remember the chocolate cake in the sink day. how bad our consciousness was. losing so many hours. burning the rice. the buckwheat nausea. marik's third incident over the stove. comatose for like two hours. the bloody beets. the running across town to buy rainbow carrots. the soup pots. did we even eat those? we have NO MEMORIES OF EATING from that WHOLE SUMMER. like we know we did, we see the danger signs, like the last week when we were starving and ate all that canned pumplkin and the orange granola which wasnt ours and we hated ourself for it we were so sad but we couldn't stop. we were so sick in the head. why am i typing this? im sorry
examples of how bad it was. no normal at all. fasting all day just drinking kombucha. that awful awful "spiritual newage hellstate" we were in mentall.y bad bad bad. very bad. chaos 0 got them through that day he sat with them on the couch it was nice. and genesis always around. gosh if we didn't have the system i think we would have died then too! sosad all te time. sad. so sad. crying always. called family didnt help. said we deserved this we decided it but we didnt. didnt really understand freewill too much back then. addiction and bad brain stuff made it impossible to actually reason or choose anything clearly. so bad. remember the oatmeal regret. so bad. threw it in the sink so angry so hungry not thinking. scared them. scared them forever they still hate us now i think. we deserve it, we did bad things. remember the day we fell off the cliff. again chaos 0 comforting themon the drive home. all the pain and the music. the happiest they were the entire summer during the day at least. the nights bad bad or heaven nice. depended on if alone or headspace stuff. remember the lights, the clif bar box someone at the whole thing. luna bars. pepperming we still can't look at them. that night so bad. the futon guy next door we still think of him! hope he's happy too.
why why are we unloading past data does it count as "trauma" if we brought it on ourselves
someone says yes please it hurts it was scary i cant look at it more scary things happen than you write
and the loneliness, the empty lonely unloved uncared even when they tried. us like an animal. acting like one. no one saw us as a person we werent a person to them i dont think just a pet just a bad project to fix. always like that. to everyone. never a real person
stop stop shut up stop
not time for this dont want to think about it stop STOP. PLEASE

um
but we're doing better now i promise. we are. live alone. system together. us too! typing again hello!! hi!
not dead i guess. i dont think could die. not physical at leas.t different life. not killed in body because no body hehesecret
srry sligping

ok

what else today

deanery penance service 7pm. late because dinner
father s from olote was there. went to him like we did for lent
he was happy to see us said he missed us at church
asked us to come to bible study on thursday again if we could we said we'd try.
he said... something nice what was it?
he said we were honest. very sincere. had a good heart. said we try very hard to be good and he knows we have faith.
meant a lot to hear. we doubt a lot. always feel bad bad bad.
jewel or jay, main person, stayed and prayed for a while
talked to god about us, all of us, mostly the new people outspacers xe cares for them a lot.

went home 8pm. don't remember what after that

okay i'm gonna stop typing. gonna put a block up after me so someone else can fix this later add to it if you want and remmeber stuf!

thank you for typing letting me
have a good night everybody