UPMC journal 100322

post-breakfast//

No variation in BK contents, but we did have some new insights.
+ SPINNY likes cream cheese? "bite" matches her sharp brightness?
+ someone LIKE Iscah likes bread PLAIN; humility, meekness, simplicity
+ Total dissociation for apple & yogurt because of MESS + MONITORING!!!
+ No condiments! We ate the egg plain again. We did crave the salt, but oh well, we forgot. And being able to taste the unadulterated (!!) pure white vibe OF the egg white was notably inspiring. It was so clear, so simple, and, well, pure. The yolk is AMBER, not YELLOW, and we ate it WITH the white AS GOD INTENDED! As a whole, by itself, it's an oddly reverent little thing. We do like eggs, in concept too.
✳ ON THAT NOTE. Being aware of it now, we WATCHED for switches, AND THEY SURE DID HAPPEN-- with one FURTHER SHOCKING DETAIL-- if we DON'T HAVE AN APPLICABLE SOCIAL for the immediate context/ input vibe required, WE JUST COMPLETELY DISSOCIATE. There were SO MANY "mini-blackouts," it was distressing to realize. EVEN WORSE, when we DO "try to pay attention" IN an unassigned context, we seem to have ONLY TWO OPTIONS outside of just instantly dissociating again-- either we can DETACH and just try to DATA COLLECT-- which still causes some significant derealization as it REQUIRES a level of "distancing from the external" AND inevitably heightens internal cacophanic stress from the "implied dissonance" OF an achromatic GRAY "eating" CHROMATIC tones-- OR, we can "resort to" a VERY UNUSUAL and VERY DANGEROUS and unfortunately VERY FAMILIAR specie of Social... the omnivores. The "garbage dumps." The "self-disparaging ones." Right now there appear to be TWO: ISCAH, and "JESSICA" (the DARK BROWN one with unwashed hair)!!! They are GLUTTONS BY FUNCTION!!! THAT'S WHERE THE COMPULSIONS TO "TRY EVERYTHING" AND "EAT EVERYTHING" ARE ROOTED!!! Since the omnivores EXIST IN ORDER TO IMMEDIATELY STIFLE ALL DISSONANCE RISKS, THEY CANNOT HAVE THEIR OWN "STABLE/ SEPARATE" SENSE OF SELF!!! THEY EXIST AS BLURS-- Iscah through absolute appeasal, fawning, imitation, and mollification, "blithely enjoying everything" WITHOUT DISTINCTION OR ANY SELF-AWARENESS, wanting to "be/ do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING in order to please EVERYONE"-- and "Jessica" through despairing self-annihilation, in being "LESS THAN HUMAN," giving in EVEN to "disgusting" foods & "animalistic"/ "humiliating" behaviors in order to protect THE SYSTEM form contamination, choking EVERYTHING down without protest but MISERABLE, and INCAPABLE OF SELF-RESPECT OR ASSERTION BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T SURVIVE THAT HELLISH EXPOSURE WITH A SELF!!! BOTH of them "eat everything," Iscah to please/ fuse and "Jessica" to placate/ surrender-- BOTH ABUSE SURVIVAL TECHNIQUES, SPLIT BETWEEN DENIAL & DESPAIR. Similarly, BOTH of them "TRY EVERYTHING" for similar reasons-- Iscah TO "be ABLE to please/ understand/ IMITATE everyone," and "Jessica" to "NOT REJECT ANYONE else she be PUNISHED??" She operates from FEAR/ PANIC, & Iscah from "CURIOSITY/ DEVOTION"? But BOTH of them are COMPELLED, UNABLE TO SAY "NO" & THEREFORE UNABLE TO ACCEPT OR EXPERIENCE DISTINCTION BETWEEN "SELF" & "OTHERS"!!! There's ALSO a strangely mutual obsession with KNOWLEDGE? They try EVERYTHING because they insist, ADAMANTLY, "I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE"-- but IT STILL FEELS FORCED?? And they BOTH seem to secretly WANT IT DONE & OVER.

TRAUMA PROCESSING

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