UPMC journal 100422

pre-breakfast//

OPEN YOUR EYES
OPEN YOUR MIND
OPEN YOUR HEART

BE COURAGEOUS!
GROWTH = CHANGE = RISK!
AND IT'S WORTH IT!!

FOOD IS MEDICINE!
REMEMBER: THE GOAL IS NUTRITION!
IN THAT REGARD, ALL THE CHOICES FOR EXCHANGES ARE RIGHT CHOICES!!

✳ Try not to hyperseparate/ isolate foods!
✳ Eat in a normal, common fashion, with good manners!
✳ Use condiments modestly & properly!

CALM DOWN, DON'T RUSH, STAY PRESENT!!

float on!


post-breakfast//

A vital realization: the ONLY self-preserving way to deal w/ sensory dissonance IS FOR THE CORE TO BE PRISMATIC!!! Jay tried to be, but failed in that he ultimately held it as an overlay-- Like iridescence; a soap-bubble sheen-- maybe even like paint?? But he only "wore" colors; I don't think he ever held them, let alone as a harmoniously UNITED whole! He saw himself as the white light, but NOT as the defined colors that the "prism of plurality" "BROKE him into"? There was a notable degree of self-preservative fear, and understandably so-- HE'S the Core that ended up SELF-ANNIHILATING by trying to "be EVERY color AT ONCE," with NO distinction or self-respect, striving to "be everything" for TBAS in order to "survive" AND "for them to still 'love' me," but only succeeding at losing ALL self through the trauma of "surviving" events we COULD NOT EVER CONSCIOUSLY ENDURE. I'm sorry if this is a mess. The point I'm trying to make is: he held it incorrectly. For the Core to GENUINELY be Prismatic, they must be able to "BE" EACH DISTINCT HUE, INDIVIDUALLY AND DISTINCTLY-- not as an undistinguishable "fusion"-- from the HEART, with all understanding & empathy, TOTALLY, but WITHOUT "locking into it" & excluding other hues to the effect of understanding/ accepting them WITHIN that distinction?? It's being ALL hues in essence, but DISTINCTLY, AND without "identifying as" any single one? EVEN WHITE! A Prism has to embrace the WHOLE SPECTRUM as a reality of BOTH white light & a rainbow AT ONCE. It's hard to explain, but my heart gets it. Prisms flow. There's no "grasping" or "attachment"; there's no "partiality" ultimately. A Prism LOVINGLY KNOWS, UNDERSTANDS, LOVES, RESPECTS, ACCEPTS, EMBRACES, EXPERIENCES, & EMBODIES THE WHOLE AS A UNITY OF "DISTINCT" PARTS! Like the Body of Christ! THAT'S WHO we're MEANT to reflect & be a GENUINE INDIVIDUAL PART OF, after all! So, as to how this applies to the food: it doesn't require imitation OR "exclusive identification" with sensory data. When eating the omelet, I can just BE in the NOW with it, perceiving its unique qualities and GRATEFULLY embracing them AS IS, because in my heart I LOVE ALL COLORS, and can let them color my heart WITHOUT "TURNING INTO" them, staying a PRISMATIC "WHITE" BEYOND AND WITHIN ALL THOSE HUES!! So I can FLOW, WITHOUT JARRING OR HARD "SWITCHES" OR RESISTANT "DISSONANCE," from hue to hue, RESPECTING THEIR INTEGRITY and not getting "attached" to any single one! But honestly? There's a "SECRET WEAPON" that facilitates this victory over confusion, and it is this: FOCUS ON GOD, NOT "SELF"!! After all, our TRUE SELF IS IN GOD!! He doesn't erase individuality-- He created us EACH as a unique work of art, for His joy & honor & service! THEREFORE, in order TO EVEN BE A "SELF" IN TRUTH, our TOTAL EXISTENCE MUST BE GROUNDED IN HIM, AND DIRECTED TOWARDS HIM, by LIVING WITH HIM IN LOVE, all by HIS GRACE through Jesus Christ, the WORD WHO CREATED ALL THINGS. So when I eat, and taste & see & smell & feel, I MUST prayerfully SEEK TO RECOGNIZE THE "FACETS" OF HIM IN ALL OF IT-- He being the ULTIMATE Light, Christ the PRISM of CREATIVE DISTINCTION, Speaking the hues of life into reality, the Spirit allowing us TO recognize HIM in all of it. And if THAT cognition is my true focus, NOT MYSELF/ OURSELF, then there CANNOT be dissonance OR rejection/ dislike, because it is ALL HONORED & APPRECIATED AS TANGIBLY REFLECTING SOME UNIQUE FACET OF THE CREATOR. There's a deeply refreshing & joyful freedom to no longer feeling "survival panic" over trying to stubbornly  "resist all outside "infectious influence/ contamination" (trauma response) and preserve a "separate sense of self."" That was exhausting & miserable. It's ALSO anti-Biblical!! We are a COMMUNION of Saints, a NATION of believers, a PEOPLE set apart as sacred, to be UNITED as ONE BODY in Christ! Furthermore, "he that seeks to SAVE his [worldly] life WILL LOSE IT, but he that LOSES his [worldly] life FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST will SAVE it"-- AND "FIND IT" in the first place!! Egocentric behavior, EVEN "to survive," kills the soul. It's prioritizing BIOS over ZOE. In truth it is IMPOSSIBLE to "lose one's self" through "self-sacrifice," as paradoxical as that sounds, because the sacrifice we make of self IS AS ONE WITH THE SACRIFICE OF CHRIST, whose "death to the world" opened the doors of TRUE, ETERNAL LIFE, through a Self UNITED TO GOD! So, when we sacrifice OUR "selves," we are OFFERING our individual "egos" TO GOD, FOR HIS GLORY, WITH LOVE, and through that offering of our "worldly" desires & impulses, we can enter into a UNITIVE WHOLE in which our TRUE, UNDYING LIFE is AS ONE with ALL life, "loving our neighbor AS OURSELF" and loving GOD IN & BEYOND ALL. And that IS true freedom, unshackled from the animalistic survival/ desire drives of fallen nature through restoration of Grace in Christ's Cross willingly embraced & entered into. "Dying to the world" frees us from its weight, and allows us to live in the "Kingdom of Heaven" EVEN NOW, by instead dedicating our wills to the Spirit's guidance; thus our life in this body slowly but surely enters into eternity even before our literal death & full participation in it. BUT IT'S WHAT WE WERE CREATED TO BE ALL ALONG! "Worldliness" is a DISTORTION, an UNTRUTH! So don't be fooled by it-- don't get tangled & lost! Ask the Spirit for illumination, discernment, & guidance-- He WILL help you! And KEEP READING SCRIPTURE. Saturate your mind & thoughts & attention & very heart with God's Word, the TRUTH that CAN & WILL drown out the cacophanous noise of the world with its beautifully melodious song. Christ will give you His Peace, more & more, the closer you cling to Him. Seek His Face, ALWAYS. He is seeking you, too! He LOVES you. Go to Him; He WILL help you do ALL you need to do IN Love. ♥
✳ A VITAL REALIZATION ABOUT COLORS... the "exclusive"/ "dissonance" opposition problem we're having with "matching vibes" is actually ILLOGICAL and PROVEN FALSE at its root-- after all, how could I/we KNOW HOW/ WHY hues are different & unique, if I/we DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THEM AT ONCE??? Like, we CAN only distinguish/ discern IF we have COMPLETE/ ENTIRE KNOWLEDGE!!! If I didn't understand HOW Orange is different than Yellow, I COULDN'T EVEN SEE THEM AS DISTINCT!!! You see that blurring a LOT in natural language-- WITHOUT a distinctly definitive WORD for a hue, it CANNOT be defined AS a hue-- and that WORD ONLY can be given THROUGH distinct knowledge! Again, that's the WHOLE PROCESS of the 7 Days of Creation: God using WORDS to DISTINGUISH one distinct thing from another, DEFINING each, BUT only having the CAPACITY TO do so THROUGH MUTUALLY "KNOWING" BOTH. Yes, the THINGS are distinct, but the KNOWING of WHY is held AT ONCE, BY THE ONE. In summary: We don't/ can't "forget" OR "invalidate" one hue JUST because we ALSO know/ recognize a DIFFERENT one, SIMULTANEOUSLY.
+ Some quick notes about ACTUAL breakfast-- I think food order DOES count? Today we ate the raisins right after the omelet, and it gave us indigestion! Next time, eat the omelet last-- not as an old "best for last" compulsion (we shouldn't be partial; be grateful equally for every food), but because oatmeal & raisins are more fluid-soluble & less dense! So we'll try that. TODAY we ALSO tried mixing some of the raisins INTO the oatmeal, which we were always afraid to do before-- and it actually tasted LOVELY. The texture complexity of chewy + fluid is a bit jarring, but it's a unique experience we should not fear, as it IS technically a proper combo! And honestly, raisins ARE both nicer & more palatable when they regain some moisture, which the mixing-in accomplishes. I must add that I did pour half of a creamer into the oatmeal. Perhaps at home that would be allowed, BUT here we are operating by SPECIAL & UNIT-SPECIFIC RULES, which MUST be obeyed with humility & happy submission. On the unit, putting creamer into the oats is NOT proper, BECAUSE it can RESEMBLE or even PROVOKE disordered "overmixing" OR "binge-fusing" behaviors! REMEMBER, we used to binge on creamer! And some folks do the mixing in order to "render a food inedible" w/ IMPROPER combinations, thus falsely "justifying" their restrictive behavior. Those are the reasons I can imagine, in which case Saint Paul's words come to mind in 1 Corinthians 10:23-33! "DO NOT BECOME A STUMBLING BLOCK TO ANYONE!" Set a holy example; NEVER do anything with even the appearance of offense/ sin; seek ALWAYS to edify others, and work for THEIR benefit & advantage, even by "sacrificing" certain freedoms of choice; and DO ALL THINGS SOLELY FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!!!



post-lunch//

I am being SHOCKINGLY COURAGEOUS today. For lunch I had CHOCOLATE CAKE, and I'm bravely about to try CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM. How shall I get through it? I will think of Mom & Grandma. ♥!!! THAT is my courageous motivation. God, give me Your strength of Love!! Please give me YOUR Peace, to NOT fear this INNOCENT food OR my body's potential suffering from it. Help me TRUST in Your SOVEREIGNTY, KNOWING that WHATEVER happens, in ALL circumstances, YOU ARE IN CONTROL, AND ARE DIRECTING EVERYTHING for the HIGHEST GOOD OF MY SOUL. And hey, if I DO "die," then I'm going to be with You, oh I pray, through the infinite Grace & Mercy of my Savior & Friend, Jesus Christ!! So let this little chocolate challenge be a vehicle of grace. Use this experience to bring me ever closer to You in TOTAL faith. Let all my hope & joy be in YOU. ♥



post-dinner//
 
THANKS BE TO GOD, I tasted the ENTIRE dinner, & the ice cream was JUST LIKE GRANDMA'S CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOW. ♥ A victory!! I'm determined to overcome ALL my chocolate fears now-- WITH JESUS'S HELP, of course, or I WILL FAIL!! Remember that! I wrote out ALL my fears about each one, and I'm READY to face FIVE (!!!) of them immediately, bravely... but there are five more that TERRIFY me. Two aren't too bad (I hope!), but the other three? They have me shaking. But I want to be free of this fear SO BADLY. I took two HUGE steps already today; with GOD'S HELP I will take TWO MORE for snack. One isn't chocolate, but BOTH are HEAVILY tied to trauma. And... if God helps me through that tonight, then I pray... then with faith I will have the sheer fortitude to retry chocolate milk. TOMORROW. Because believe me, ONLY GOD CAN GET ME THROUGH THAT ONE! But just remember... "Of course I am willing! Be healed!" ASK, & HAVE FAITH! ♥

CBT WORKBOOK for AVOIDANT/ RESTRICTIVE EATING

STRATEGIES FOR INCORPORATING NEW FOODS

★NOT FOR HEALING TRAUMA!!!

★ "FIVE TYPES OF GLUTTONY" FEAR. This emphasis on "variety" & "novelty" & "complexity" is giving me genuine moral unease. Isn't it more spiritually beneficial to eat PLAIN, SIMPLE, COMMON foods? At least, WITHOUT rejecting differences when CALLED TO in social situations or by authority??
BUT for everyday life, we SHOULDN'T be "trying to expand our palate" because that's just VAPID INDULGENCE, isn't it? I want to be HUMBLE & CONTENT with a SIMPLE diet!!

+ Adding spices/ condiments ONLY works for nutritive goals; it WORSENS BINGE TRIGGERS and CANNOT HEAL TRAUMA!! It also INCREASES process stress; it makes meals TOO complex/ exhausting
+ Sometimes food "forms" have wildly different responses. For example, chickpeas are scary, but CRUNCHY dried ones AREN'T so much?? This is because they have DIFFERENT MEMORY ROOTS!! The "traumabrain" literally sees them as ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FOODS.
+ DO NOT FORCE "NEW" WAYS OF PREPARING FOODS!! "Trying" all these unnecessary, complicated preps is FOOLISH-- bad for budget, time, AND spiritual simplicity!!
+ As far as "getting comfortable with new foods," DECONSTRUCTION is OUR DEFAULT! However, the book gives pizza as an example-- trying the crust alone, then the cheese, etc.-- and our problem is that PIZZA is its OWN UNIQUE EXPERIENCE, and so it DOESN'T REGISTER AS "cheese + bread + tomato"!!!!! Our brain sees them as COMPLETELY UNIQUE ITEMS, both in experience and history, like I mentioned previously!! Cheese & bread is okay. Cheese & sauce is okay. Bread & sauce is okay. But PIZZA IS NOT OKAY. PIZZA HAS ITS OWN TRAUMA & MEMORY ANCHORS, UNIQUELY AS PIZZA!!! In theory, this could ALSO happen with the ingredient pairs-- plain bread is terrifying, but adding the cheese makes it safe, BECAUSE OF MEMORY ASSOCIATIONS (notably childhood grilled cheese with grandma). That's how freaking specific our brain is.

★ "You may be comfortable with one version of a food but not another" = I get this SO distinctly-- even temperature differences can make something register as a "different" food!! Ironically, (as the example shows the opposite) I've grown to be comfortable with raw apples (crunchy!) but NOT applesauce yet? Our problem is that our food aversions are BASED ON VERY SPECIFIC MEMORY/ TRAUMA ASSOCIATIONS!! It's typically NOT "dislike" of a taste, it's "dislike" of what that taste REMINDS us of, usually VERY STRONGLY-- trauma foods can trigger legit physiological flashbacks! So, I could eat ALL the raw carrots I want-- COOKED carrots are still scary, and FROZEN "striped" carrots are a TRAUMA FOOD. Raw carrots CANNOT touch that, because THEY were never associated to THOSE distinct events!! So it CAN'T be "eased into" this way. Each version is DISTINCT for a REASON. Blurring this would destroy us psychologically.
★ "Adding spice" & "Switching the prep" = These will only COMPOUND THE PROBLEM if I'm not careful! I can get "addicted" to condiments, AND the "taste conflict" often makes it MORE stressful to eat. I NEED, personally, to eat foods as SOLO experiences, ESPECIALLY if they're new, so I CAN "understand" what I'm eating AND prevent "vibe/ association fusing/ muddling" from TOO much input? Like, yes, I enjoy BOTH broccoli and cheese, but TOGETHER would be nauseating & distressing because my brain would interpret the "fused data" as a WHOLE NEW FOOD, and I wouldn't be able to appreciate EITHER ingredient as its own distinct thing!!
+ Similarly, let's take zucchini. Raw, steamed, sauteed, grilled, AND seasoned zucchini ALL REGISTER AS "DIFFERENT FOODS" on some level IN ORDER TO PREVENT MENTAL "DATA MUD" DISTRESS. "Zucchini" becomes "GOOD OR BAD" depending on the prep prefix, associated with specific experiences, and making them "universal" would RUIN THE FOOD. I enjoy raw zucchini, BUT steamed zucchini has trauma ties, and grilled zucchini will make me want to throw up. I CANNOT infect the raw experience by "seeing them all as one food"!! "Switching it up" only overcomplicates things?
★ HOWEVER, I cannot be such a stubborn complainer. Look at the COPE meals! I CAN ACTUALLY EAT POTATOES for this SAME REASON. Yes, I'm still TERRIFIED of baked potatoes (trauma), BUT home fries are fine, and so are wedges, because they have DIFFERENT MEMORY ROOTS. The real point is NOT obligation to try ALL preparations!!! The point is finding at LEAST ONE WAY TO ACTUALLY, SAFELY EAT a food that IS scary in a DIFFERENT way!!!

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FEAR OF CONSEQUENCES OF EATING

★ In terms of trauma fears concerning food, the LITERAL answer to "whether or not my trauma will come true" is-- thanks be to God-- ALWAYS NO!!! Eating grits & dinosaur oatmeal CANNOT turn me back into a sexslave!! Eating ramen & tortillas & pizza CANNOT trap me overnight in their apartment!! Eating pineapple & beets & Lunabars CANNOT send me back to SLC!! IT'S LITERALY IMPOSSIBLE.

★ Yes, the MEMORIES & FEARS ARE REAL, BUT THEIR THREAT TO OUR LIFE was ALWAYS SEPARATE FROM THE LITERAL FOOD; the food just happened to be eaten DURING that potentially fatal event/ time period!! THE FOOD ITSELF IS INCAPABLE OF "REINITIATING TRAUMA." It can therefore actually HELP US, by ALLOWING us to FACE THOSE FLASHBACKS SAFELY, and BY facing them, ADMIT/ UNTANGLE/ HEAL THEM AT LAST!!! God guide us!


ARFID-SUD SCALE

"personally determined hierarchy for food exposure in ARFID with concern about aversive consequences"

★ 60+ ACTIVELY REFUSING to try?
"50" is no action?
0-40 is actively willing to eat
60-100 is actively wanting to RUN

BASED ON CURRENT UPMC EXPERIENCE & THEORETICALLY APPLIED MEMORY.

0 = genuinely enjoy eating these.
eggs, oats, english muffins, broccoli, chicken, yogurt, grilled cheese

10 = want to eat it, a little hesitant
cherries, lettuce, berries, grapes, cucumbers, zucchini, apples, cauliflower, corn, soymilk, milk

20 = subtly nervous in eating
cantaloupe, pears, artichokes, cabbage, tomato, beets, lemons, apricot

30 = anxious, but don't want to be
pineapple, brussels sprouts, cranberries, cornmeal, grapefruit, spinach, asparagus, figs

40 = "it's scary, but I'll try it"
tilapia, collards, plantains, leeks, green peppers, bamboo shoots, pumpkin, plum, ice cream

50 = "I'm scared enough to be STUCK"
celery, prunes, pomegranate, scallions, endive, mushrooms

60 = feeling notable dread.
kale, eggplant, turnips, snow peas, rice, pretzels, guava, goji berries

70 = feeling intense fear.
sweet potato, roast beef, TVP, muesli, waffles, crackers

80 = legit panicking.
all beans, kiwi, swiss chard, onions, chia seeds, rice cakes, barley, tortillas, rice milk

90 = shaking terror.
dates, mango, papaya, watercress, starfruit, ham, walnuts, ramen

100 = "I CANNOT DO THIS." ACUTE "fear of death"!!!
chocolate milk, chocolate candy, pancakes, syrup, hummus, coconut, sesame seeds, grits, shrimp, smoothies

★ A NOTABLY DRAMATIC EXAMPLE/ ILLUSTRATION of this is CHOCOLATE MILK.
Before trying it-- AND both during & after the first try!!-- it was a screaming 10. I legit thought I was going to die. Try #2 was me just gulping it down. But I didn't die then either. Try #3, yeah I'm still scared, BUT now it's only a 6 at its worst. I'm WILLING to face it again; even though I'm feeling that dread, I'm not panicking. Subconsciously, NOW I KNOW it's not "as scary" as it once was, before exposure. And further courageous, willing, mindful exposures will ALSO further decrease that distress! So SEEING it happen in realtime via lists like this STRENGTHENS my hope & bravely encourages me to keep trying, until it hits 0!
★ AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION: EVEN if a food's DISTRESS RESPONSE is 0, I still might not "favor the flavor"! AND THAT'S OKAY!! I'm ALLOWED to have preferences-- AS LONG AS THEY ARE FREE FROM FEARS & JUDGMENTS. I'll probably never list chocolate milk as a "fave," BUT the goal is to be TOTALLY UNFAZED if I do have to drink it at some point-- not afraid, not angry, not hateful, only free.


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AVOIDANT EATING RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN

Ways that my eating has improved since the start of treatment:

+ Able to tolerate feelings of fullness without purging; decreasing anxiety over fullness
+ Decreasing "sickness/ poison/ allergy" fears; increased openness to new variety (baby steps)
+ Able to eat several foods I used to completely avoid/ fear; willing to face new ones
+ No longer terrified/ triggered by mess/ crumbs/ spills
+ Decrease in abnormal "completionist"/ OCD order & isolation behaviors; able to resist urges

Possible future triggers for relapse:

+ Too much talking/ noise around me/ being directly spoken to while eating, especially personal questions
+ Being forced to rush during meals, or having to eat in a hurry between appointments/ responsibilities
+ Despair/ depression/ anxiety/ guilt spikes; loss of coping methods or skill tools; family distancing
+ New disturbing experiences/ associations with foods, EVEN ones I enjoy/ have already healed
+ TRAUMA flashbacks/ reminders while eating, or before/ after eating (never really safe)

Red flags that I might be starting to relapse:

+ Abandoning/ decreasing self-care/ cleaning activities
+ Hyperrestricting types of foods eaten; repeating same meal over & over
+ Reluctance/ refusal to try new foods/ varieties; "throwing out" the rest if I do try it
+ Taking Benadryl before &/or after I eat; using laxatives; "flushing out" food with too much fluid
+ Overmixing, overspicing, and/or isolation of ingredients; "must eat every last tiny crumb"
+ "Pushing" unnecessary foods OR "undereating" to avoid fullness OR "try too hard" (NO SELF-RESPECT)

Techniques to continue or try on my own after treatment is completed:

+ Try at least one new food every week, working up to two; revisit things periodically
+ Utilize SMO time! Sit in couch & play Klonoa for an hour if that works!
+ DON'T re-omit old fear foods; be willing to regularly incorporate them into meals
+ Practice eating with utentils, in public, with background noise/ TV, and with family
+ Learn to eat foods AS COMBOS, not "one ingredient/ piece at a time", WITHOUT "forcing" combos compulsively/ unnaturally

Ways I'd like to continue to change my eating post-treatment:

+ Go to restaurants with family AND even alone; regularly eat WITH other people, esp. in public
+ Incorporate "complex" foods into my diet (things that must be cooked/ prepared extensively?)
+ Learn to bake things! Donate stuff to church bake sales, AND give to family & neighbors!
+ Get comfortable with eating "on the road," and at "unexpected times/ places" with minimal "plans"
+ Become able to cope with trauma symptoms & sensory overwhelm without relapsing, especially in public!!!

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SELF-MONITORING RECORD FOR AVOIDANT EATING


TIME = 100422 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = CHOCOLATE CAKE!! (with milk chocolate frosting)
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = TERRIFIED to see it! Upon tasting: "oh no, I like it??" Reminded me of mom's baking, & Easter chocolates! Tasted JUST like grandma's frostings.
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = Anxiety in stomach, body tense. No actual taste aversion! Slight "choking" fear, from the dense texture

TIME = 100422 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = Spaghetti, tomato sauce, parmesan cheese (I actually like the meatballs) = I DID avoid meat for YEARS, but my body ALWAYS craved it. I was immediately fond of these; they taste JUST like school memories of "hot lunches," and their texture is nice too. I actually look foward to them now!
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = "Isolating" cheese/sauce "for last" instead of eating together. SCARED of "humiliating" process of slurping/ dropping noodles. Cut them up small, chewed VERY slowly to avoid choking on them. Still anxious about the taste AND texture/ mouthfeel of the long noodles. Sauce is still a bit scary too? Fear of acidity, dislike of "cooked" flavor tone? Vague "sickness" memory fears of the parmesan (migraines). Felt "dirty" eating long noodles?? Associate them with ROT & spills from bad storage/ being mocked as a child for "being piggish"?
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = SOME disgust/ nausea over the noodle texture/ FEELING the "wormy" shape in my mouth, even when cut up. "Slurping" is TRAUMATIC in both the sensation & sound-- legit FRIGHTENED of "associated danger" from some past context?? Unidentified, but most likely SXABUSE!!!! Stomach upset from sauce; slight but notable; unease. Felt disheveled, wrong, upset after.

TIME = 100322 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = STRAWBERRY SUNDAE!! (a little one! in a cup!)
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = Legit almost skipped it. Determined to try anyway. One but in... "oh no. I LIKE IT!" Soft sweet PURE VANILLA ice cream! Wonderful smooth & creamy texture; NOT icy or watery or sticky! Lovely little "swirls" around the edges, so fun to eat. Felt like a happy kid. The strawberry sauce was VERY scary in concept, BUT I was SHOCKED that it ACTUALLY tasted like REAL STRAWBERRY! Not artificial! And it wasn't "sticky," just the tiniest bit. I even swirled some INTO the ice cream once I "got" the flavor. Honestly so grateful & surprised at how NICE the experience was. Thought of grandma. ♥
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = Slight initial anxiety at "eating sugar" AND at "eating ICE CREAM" (old trauma/ binge food; fear of "sugar death"). Enjoyed the creamy texture, especially when starting to melt. Teeth hurt a little from the cold/ sweet but I didn't react negatively to it; just let it be. Anxiety/ nausea spike when trying the syrup, but soon assuaged by its LOVELY RED FLAVOR ♥



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upmc food choice fear notes

(uploading this solely for the amount of distorted thought processes/ sheer panic/ memory interference PROOF recorded here, for when ignorant socials deny that there is a disorder here)

(we were expected to eat ALL of these foods at some point during inpatient treatment, to "challenge our disorder" and "prove we COULD eat them" (a VERY toxic mindset in and of itself). we therefore wrote down WHY doing so was terrifying to us.)

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CEREAL FEARS (by increasing terror):

CHEERIOS = "hell aftertaste." old binge food.
RICE KRISPIES = "maggot fear." also SOUND = ATTENTION.
FROSTED FLAKES = SUGAR content panic! "punishment" for eating; they're for Astra, NOT you". SCARED of drinking sugar milk.
CINNAMON CHEX = "rice clog" fear again, ALSO sugar panic. scared of "cinnamon overdose." OLD "POST-HOSPITAL" BINGE FOOD.

★"BLOOD VOMIT" INCIDENT WAS WITH THIS!!!
+ Whole milk instead of soy INREASES FEAR!!!

CHOCOLATE FEARS

MINT NUGO = "Kris" AND "SLC" trauma ties. Green/black also tied to Jade trauma.
CHOC NUGO = "Chocolate chip cookie" guilt. "Bad girl" fear. "NOT FOR YOU!" Eating feels overindulgent; "punishment is due."
PRETZ NUGO = General chocolate anxiety. Vague "shame" over pretzels as a concept; "dirty food" as they were always stale/ dusty/ buggy at home
CH. MILK = PURE TERROR, still. Possibly from sugar syrup taste plus the cocoa (which is terrifying by itself). Jade trauma HITS. Almost unbearable.
CH ENSURE = "Ensure vomit" trauma.
ICE CREAM SND = Choking binge food. Disturbed by mess-- melting over hands, biting spills, chocolate biscuit sticks to hands & teeth. "Body horror" feeling from filth. Summer/ POOL panic, humiliation. Depression food? Guilt/ shame/ fear/ filth associations.

OTHER LINGERING FEARS

BANANA = tied to Jade trauma, AND dirty jokes by TAS/ TBAS. Also tied to weird elephant/ monkey phobias. "Sugar panic" from traumatic blood sugar morning w/ ambulance. Tons of negative cultural infection. Manner of eating is highly disturbing.
APPLESAUCE = family dinner dread. Deep humiliation? Childhood roots to fear.
CANTALOUPE = Kitchen rot trauma. Got sick from it often. Also residual "spelling bee" shame?
PINEAPPLE = Childhood "allergy itchy" panic fear. Disturbing SLC memory stuck in the kitchen & FORCED to eat it in close quarters; invasive. "Yellow" fear. "Sour = stomach agony" fear.
HONEY = binge terror. "glucose spike" panic. STICKY; "filthy." TBAS association, subtle. Also sexual associations w/ dirty indulgence & gross luxury. Bear trope = "Fat, dangerous, lazy glutton" fear.
SYRUP = PANCAKE TRAUMA; the two are currently FUSED.
GR. JELLY = food drive "destruction binge" fear. also the "sandwich psychosis" night terror.
SUGAR = TBAS "bad dog" fear; bingeing, hidden in closet. General sexuality association. Tastes like bleach/death.
MUSTARD =  allergy panic. "Yellow" fear. "Alice in wonderland" anxiety??? "Fairground" terror associations.