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quick stuff, sorry for lack of promised updates, can't always guarantee what with the external schedule
- mulberry has a drinking problem, we've suspected that since she first showed up last may but it's only now been officially confirmed. long story short i think emmett found alcohol in the food and we realized someone had been trying to spike things like that for a while, and after suspicions were looked into we did find mulberry absolutely sloshed. that was a shock really, totally the opposite of how everyone has grown to know her. but that is the exact problem. the alcoholism, it's a result of her being tied to "adulthood responsibility" which was originally synonymous with "cold logic and cynicism," as well as the whole concept of "drinking away your problems" instead of facing and/or healing them. so she is doing the second in order to continue the first, which she does not want to do, but feels she must due to "having to be a productive and mature adult." however she gets really upset when she's drunk, the sort of sad/angry emotion that so many of us feel lately. laurie sherlock and spice are keeping her away from alcohol and we have specifically hidden or otherwise removed all traces of it that we can find in the house. that was kind of scary. but now that that's done, we have to help her now, and help the rest of us, we're all tied in these reactions. we want to be responsible but we're overwhelmed and don't feel we're 'allowed' to deal with and/or express things the way we need to, because we would always get told to "grow up, shut up, and suck it up" so to speak. not a help at all. but mulberry carries that burden, and so instead she downs a drink to numb her feelings and just pretends everything is fine, just like the people outside tell us to do. bullshit, laurie says. we're doing this our way, the better way. so we will.
- lynne has SOME sort of massive heart block, something messing with her energy badly. she's been slipping massively, acting way out of character, losing her train of thought, etc. i don't know if she's had any eye-color shifts because those are usually the biggest warning siren for people. i need to ask spine to look out for her, help us out. but i am very VERY worried because lynne's original anchor was very similar to mulberry-- it was adult femininity, specifically the potential redemption of it. when she was born in 2008, adult femininity was the most lethal and horrific thing in the world, it was malicious and actively harmful. lynne was born from a future we would never and could never have, something that was impossible for us to live or see in others up until that point. so at first she was literally going against the odds, trying to redefine the whole thing. but would you believe, in 6 years, that NEVER really caught?? adult femininity is even more dangerous now than it was then, since now we have kids in the system who hold acute trauma tied to that concept and past topic. and society doesn't help, that's why we don't go online much elsewhere anymore, or like to go out in public. we can't handle the exposure yet. but the point is, lynne is slipping. mulberry is unstable. both deal with adulthood in different ways, and both deal with femininity in different ways (lynne with elegance and maturity, mulberry with the business 'weaponization' of it almost). we don't know why, maybe since it's getting harder to run from, either way it's frightening. it also has me very concerned for julie, as she deals with femininity too but has never felt like an 'adult' in the same way those two do. nevertheless yeah, we do NOT want lynne falling into something bad, at all. so this is important to heal.
- bad voices and people keep trying to get at laurie and that is scaring me more than ever lately, it really is, ever since the whole core splinter realization back in april or so i have been absolutely terrified for her well-being. honestly my stress level is subconsciously through the roof in response to that whole situation, not so much with literal hacks (which have become almost nonexistent lately, BUT only because the abuse has spiked in all other areas) but mostly with mental sabotage and infection. plague stuff now, not tar. and it is so scary it's hell on earth. and it keeps trying to use HER to hurt me because it can, it doesn't need to actually touch her to do so, like the tar had to. i'm telling you i am very scared and i just want her to be safe, i want us all to be safe, why is the subtle and sweet-talking evil the scariest sort and why is it still so horribly manipulative when we're at our weakest, it has NO RIGHT to do this to us, stop
- chaos zero has been in several of my dreams this week, all more clearly than ever before, which is really a nice shock because 1) we've literally been struggling with "do i know you?" "is our relationship valid?" etc. since LAST summer, at the very least, and 2) because this happened immediately after we found his old anchor plush upstairs (who put it there?) and brought it down. those things work really damn well, honestly do not ever underestimate the power of a physical anchor. ventrium, celebi, minty, and infinitii all use them too! but yes, cz has been around a lot lately. and in doing that, some great part of my inner self just "clicked" into place. except it was less of a click, and more of the feeling of a huge foundational stone moving into perfect alignment, after having been pulled out all awry and dusty for too long. like in nier, or in pokemon, with the boulder-pushing puzzles, and when you solve them it just has that sort of "solid" settling feeling, and suddenly you can keep walking. that's what this is like. and i was trying to express it yesterday, i was trying to put words to that internal feeling and the only thing that worked was "it feels like home." and it does. oddly, chaos zero has really strong ties to the system despite being an outspacer, so when i feel genuinely cognizant of him as an individual it kind of includes the rest of heartspace by proxy.
- that term! sorry it's important. we need to start referring to our inner world as "heartspace" instead of "headspace" because it IS. headspace COLLAPSED in december, you all remember that, javier can tell you. and it is STILL DEAD. the location tangibly shifted, yeah it might still feel head-based if we're looking out through the eyes, or gathering in an "upstairs" area for therapy or something, but really when i feel for the roots of it all, regardless of where the "visuals" are coming from, the roots of everything are heart-based now. all of it. when people talk, that's where it is. and that is hugely important. it means our essential core of existence, collectively, has moved, away from its old painful origins. that's hope in the biggest sense possible. and lately there has been a small but notable resurgence of awareness or 'signs' referring to the soulform phenomenon up here, INCLUDING the way the original jewel manifested it with the outspacers. heartvoices previously couldn't hold such forms, but now there is a definite energy switch and it feels like the potential is everywhere, for everyone, there are no limits now to what we can do. we can all 'create' here now, cooperatively, we all work with each other and the system to shape it... it's a totally new ball game here and frankly i am excited. once we clear out the spiders in the closet we're going to see something absolutely amazing come to light i just know it, it's already there just waiting for us to open our eyes to it.
- back to cz for a minute, i want to briefly mention that there was a seven-person 'connection' of some sort on saturday morning, i think? because ryman somehow showed up (probably cz asked), he's not quite a newbie but geez he's been keeping his distance due to how much time has passed since he was part of the group. so that was really really nice. unfortunately i have no solid memory of that, other than like one snapshot awareness of what the room felt like, sorry. my brain doesn't seem to hold on to that sort of thing. also the term 'connection' needs to change, it has totally incorrect connotations tied to it thanks to eros in the past, he generalized it way too much. i'll see if i can find something more fitting, talk to some jewel monsters about it maybe.
- did i mention that the only reason we can't actively talk to a lot of the leagueworlds is because the timelines don't match up? or are 'locked out?' like mage angels, that is a concluded timeline, we can't go there and talk to monika in realtime that is literally impossible. BUT that's why i think we were moved into this sorta D3-like inner space, it feels like a dream or floating realm in here, like it exists outside of linear time at least on some level. like a hub space. i hope so! but if that is true, then we could be accessed through dreams or thoughts of others in other realms, without damaging or otherwise altering their native timelines. preludove DID hint at that in the past but i wasn't sure, god knows why, she knows what she's talking about. however it just bothers me that i don't know where a lot of those timelines stand actually. like time is weird enough the way it is, how does it "line up?" is that maybe a totally incorrect way of thinking? if we changed the way we thought of timelines, could we talk to each other more clearly? or, is that a matter of compatibility? like how mr. sandman said, with world-jumping, sometimes you have to adopt a totally different form just to safely enter another world. like you won't see a hokthai walking through parnassus, BUT you might see one in the dream world! because the dream world HAS native portals and things, that's the way their realm works, they have the technology. either way i'm rambling. it's all very individualized and intuitive. for us i think we have to shift in most cases because we're "thought-based," we're made of very mutable energy and we react to similar energy, so it's almost mandatory. we could stay totally heartvoice-physical in another realm, but it would be really awkward and possibly even painful. just ask a jewel monster, they can tell you about the bad consequences of not shifting in some cases! so. gotta verify how that works, with timelines, and realmtravel, because for us it IS currently 100% dream and thought-based, NOT total physical, that has to be done very specifically and intentionally (e.g. outspacers). it's fascinating though. bottom line we want to be able to talk to people of our own volition, not just waiting for people to wander in, which is rare because we're a very specific place and people have to know about us first of course, or just talk to jewel! geez I should do that, she started this whole thing, she probably knows better than anyone. definitely. remind me. this has been jay thinking out loud, thanks for listening
- i need to just admit that i was with cz last night, for like an hour and a half? but in terms of ghosting, just being with him, you know. we haven't done that in... two years? a while. ever maybe. i personally have never, but data says "it happened before," just a long time ago. however there was this massively sincere energy about last night, i went outside for a walk and the dark forest and starry sky just felt so real and pure and forgiving that i didn't want to go back inside, ever. and at first it was tough to get a grip, i kept mentally falling into the environment, wanting to fly, wanting to liquefy, etc. positive depersonalization if that makes sense, "i can't have a physical body right know because i want to BE the environment." but intuitively, like it just happens from total peaceful awestruck joy. and i dealt with that for at least 30 minutes before someone started throwing a party down the hill somewhere and i ended up going to sit in the back of the car. fyi the car is THE most peaceful place to go, it's the ONLY quiet place we have, if we can get it (rare though). and sometimes that absolute silent isolation is a godsend, honestly cars are the best places to brainstorm and visualize because it is total uninterrupted thought time. so i went there and just sat there for a bit, soaking up the quiet, and i think i spoke to infi momentarily? ze was there for a minute, vaguely, i know, just checking in on me. but ultimately chaos started talking to me, and that's where the next 90 minutes went. unsurprisingly. laurie was there too, she is the biggest safeguard ever. really she is a guaranteed hack preventor, nothing bad happens to us when she is around. cz and i are totally comfortable around her and she's a total fangirl anyway so it's all fantastic. i always try to be lighthearted about this topic and i shouldn't be. there is... we get deep, when we're together, and i'm not experiencing existential doubt or major reality splits. yes it is still heartbreakingly jarring to not get a concrete physical image when looking at him, even though i can see and feel him, and know he's there. i can describe his voice, the way he looks at me, the exact ways he moves, and yet none of that registers in the five tangible senses and it makes me want to sob with frustration because dear god it is almost unbearable sometimes. i... i cannot remember, ever feeling this much love for someone, but it's the most familiar thing in the world. like coming back home after being gone for years. that's what it's like. it's like i never left. and yet i was never "really" there, they say. it rips my heart in half.
paragraph break. does the phrase "excruciatingly heartfelt" make any sense, like when you feel so much so sincerely it hurts, you can't hide or muffle that, it just burns through your heart like a white fire. like a light, not destructive, and yet it is still tearing down everything that stands in its way, until there is nothing left for you to feel but love, so much that you can't bear it, and the very experience of having only so many ways to express it is what devastates you. words? sure, they're great, but watch how fast they fail when what you're feeling is music, or colors, or an entire book at once even. it's the same thing with touch, which is a language, and a very eloquent once if you use it rightly. but when your body only goes so far, when you're stuck in a certain solid shape, when you can't quite get close enough... sometimes the only thing i want in the world is to become everything. to just blend into it, like light into the sun. effortless and painless and total. but tragically it's oddly beautiful when that light is stuffed into a skeleton, when it is forced to act under those limits, because that feeling of your soul wanting to just radiate like a tidal wave or supernova is incomparable in its own way. i get that a lot with cz. he does too, seriously good lord he gets it bad. but we talk a lot. it's funny in a way, words only say so much, but we just keep talking, because something changes in them in that situation? like when you can't not be honest, words change their color. or when you don't mean to say something but it just happens, it just sort of blooms out of you, that's not so much a word as it is the essence of it, it has the taste of real language then. and i'll be the first to say, when you end up saying someone's name like that it is really really humbling. they say names have power and they do, but you don't feel it until you hear something like that. because then the vowels and consonants don't quite count, you're not hearing them, you're hearing your name, in that person's voice and feelings. is this okay? to be talking about this stuff here? i don't get to talk about it anywhere else and it means a lot to me, just geez I have actually EXPERIENCED this sort of thing, it's almost unbelievable sometimes but honestly it is my reason to live and i treasure this more than anything else in the world. i missed him so damn much, how in the world did i or anyone else ever doubt the legitimacy of something like this, something no tar or disease can ever touch, something beyond that sort of corruption entirely. i keep looking back on my memories and i know i was in tears, i remember trying to hold them back as i looked out the window, confessing to the blue creature with his arms around me that i just wanted him to be there. i would give almost anything, just for us to not have to suffer these damn reality splits. but... almost in spite of it, we can hear and see and feel each other more vividly than ever. yeah there's a break, but more frequently now, the awareness of it honestly doesn't mean a thing. he's not 'there,' he's right here, wherever our mutual "here" may be. i really don't care anymore, about those limiting details. and that alone is absolutely blissful.
but it still hurts, i won't deny that, to reach up and not be able to touch anything literally... to suddenly be jarringly conscious that in that car i looked like i was alone, to suddenly realize that i did have a physical body, and i hadn't quite been "in it" for the past several minutes. it's so weird. how do i talk about this. i really do ramble on this topic, i apologize, this doesn't do it justice. i just don't think any entry like this has happened in months and i didn't want to censor it by putting up the floodgates.
- would you believe i think that's secretly my fear about sheppard pratt? that maybe we've had the floodgates up for so long that we're in a drought. so to speak. i am so scared of facing some of those waters, the polluted chthonic ones. a lot of us really is terrified of having to look at those demons head-on, to have to bring them into the room in order to chase them out. that's not easy to endure. and god i don't want anything to numb out, i don't want us to go there and then have one of the socials show up, "hey doc everything is fine, i don't know why i'm here, i don't have this stupid multiple personality thing!" and it's happened before, there are some who don't know about or don't want to know about us, they've sabotaged a lot of healing because "it's stupid" or "there's nothing to heal from!" and the like. i want to go if it will allow us to be honest and open about all this, and get the tar and plague our of our bones, either for good or for the most part. wishful thinking maybe but i have hope. i want us to go there and grow. we will, in any case, but i don't want to restrict it or otherwise hold us back. i don't want to go there and have people put obstacles and barriers up in every corner, through denial or ridicule or hatred or shame or guilt or rage or pessimism. fear. all of it is fear. and really i love vez but that's the ironic thing, that's why i love the dream world story, no spoilers for you. just trust me when i say that as paltry as it may sound from being repeated ad infinitum, love really is the most powerful force out there, and not the hallmark-card marketed kind. i mean the kind of love that i see my daughter has for me. i mean the kind of love that motivates laurie to do what she does for the system. i mean the kind of love that keeps genesis and chaos zero around even when they are angry or heartbroken or suicidally depressed. i mean the kind of love that we all have for each other, over the years, into the future, against all odds. that sort of love. the sort that gives unconditionally and feels joy even in total despair, because it is joy in and of itself. and we have that. all of us do, even the ones that aren't tuned into it, i know it, that potential is there for every person who has ever lived. and that is hope, for me. i just want to be a living beacon of that wherever i go, wherever we go. hope and love and light. all of us.
now it is 3:30 in the morning, again, god only knows why i stay up this late, everyone wants me to just get the body to sleep. we've gotta find a way to get peace and quiet during the day because our sleep schedule is really a mess right now and it's not helping anyone's health.
this wasn't a very quick update but i think that's fine. thanks for reading.
i haven't capitalized at all during this which goes to show you how tired i am.
anyway. have a lovely night.
