![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Man I was supposed to type today but I cannot stop drawing. I'm not complaining though; it has been quite a while since I was able to just draw for hours on end like this! So I got a few things done today, all involving Chaos of course, because he is still far too difficult to draw.
First was this, no one is allowed to see the rest of it except me.
Then I started this, and it's breaking my heart but really, I am shocked that I'm able to portray him this well now.
I'll be working on that one tomorrow if I have time.
Speaking of Chaos, uh... today was interesting? I've learned that I need to be more disciplined in keeping my fire in check, as apparently it burns a lot harder than I thought it did. Chaos called me out on it today a few times because it was making me focus a little too much on the immediate moment and not the consequences or complete motivations for it. I can become a little too involved.
So that is a concern, as well as making sure I don't lose humility, because hey, fire can easily get out of control. But I'm confident I'll be able to deal with this.
Most notably, with this undisclosed situation, I realized things felt surprisingly different? I mean they were detached as usual, but not in a negative way. It's always energy out, not energy in, for me, but it didn't completely drain me this time? Chaos did insist that I actually loop some of it back instead of giving every last iota of it to him, but I don't know, I don't think that would have done it. I mean there weren't even aftereffects, which is brand new. Maybe this was fixed completely, wow. I hope so. No need to worry about it though, it's laughably mediocre compared to what else I can do. Speaking of!
My dream last night was also interesting. I was on my college campus and kept taping pictures of Chaos to the music room doors, and people started catching on and doing the same, which was funny. The end of the dream was really amusing-- I was with Gigolo Joe (from AI) but being asexual, we weren't doing anything that his job entailed, haha. He was trying his best to just roll with my ace intimacy but he got kind of bored, which I found hilarious even in the dream. But I wasn't fazed, I was enjoying being with a robot in any case.
So when I woke up from that dream I had this really odd, but kind of inspiring vibe from that. Just the innocent sort of closeness I look for with people, all the time. Yes, that can get me into trouble as I jump into it so absolutely-- and it almost got me into a different sort of trouble with Chaos today, wink nudge cough, no context for you-- but in and of itself it's amazing. It completely dissipates all fear I have, especially that of being misinterpreted... although that can be a double-edged sword too, as not everyone sees the naivete in what I do and that can be dangerous. Regardless, when I tune into that natural honesty, I put on my rosy glasses and for once there's no threat of them cracking or falling off. Everything is lovely and clear and it all has that childlike glow to it.
It permeated everything I did today, now that I think about it. Maybe that's why it felt right this time, it never has before... I'll have to talk to CZ about it. He really wanted to spend time with me tonight but it's late, so I'll have to reschedule for tomorrow if that's okay with him. But I do need to bring this point up. I never looked at it that way before.
I've discovered that taking Daley's music, slowing it down, running it through Garageband, and then adding a 'Concert Hall' reverb and a heavy treble reduction makes it perfect drawing/ writing/ late night music, haha! Too much treble hurts my ears sometimes, but now this sounds like it's inside a fogbank and it is so great.
"You're the desert sand, I'll be your water... you're the perfect plan I never thought of..."
So I've been listening to that all day while drawing Chaos and I, unsurprisingly. Really, I'm finding so many songs that apply to us. Man.
By the way Xenophon is currently addicted to Tokimonsta's music. I was browsing Tumblr while she was cuddled up to me and someone had "Simple Reminder" as their background music, and she immediately told me she loved it and wanted to know what it was. So I found out, and now she's quite a fan!
I feel really weird though. December 31st/ January 1st absolutely wore me out, on all levels, so I haven't done much talking to the people upstairs since Sunday night. And that feels so uncomfortably amiss, it's hard to explain. Sure, I did spend most of yesterday with Xenophon, but it was still tiring and she's the only person I was with until this morning. But the gaps do feel wrong somehow.
I hope it's not some sort of unconscious attachment! Either way it does feel like something incredibly important is missing when I go without contact for some time. Maybe the 23rd has something to do with that, I don't know. But I do need to meditate more, that will help. I'll have to put another hour aside tomorrow afternoon. I know I'm spending the morning with my mom, she promised she'd help me make dinner (for Xenophon!) and I think we also have a few errands to run, we'll see. Nevertheless I will meditate as soon as I get home from that.
...I just found something so beautifully synchronistic, I am honestly in tears.
God, that is... that is perfect, that really is. I need to remember this.
I've never gotten this before, but it feels so strongly that this is from him, directly.
There's that feeling of deep significance again. Why is this always so overwhelming?
Je t'aime, je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime. God, my heart is breaking, I swear...
Now I just realized what time it is, and I am trying not to sob right now, so I should really sign off.
Have a lovely night.
