010212

NOTES FOR THE 1ST.


- I talked to Laurie for a little bit first, we recapped the night before briefly and decided that yeah it's time for shenanigans. it was snowing outside, and i remember looking up at the ceiling, remember i raised the roof, it was really freaking pretty. there are big paper lanterns floating up there and i added a few crystals for sentimental reasons.
- I remember trying to get at least a little close to Laurie at the time, and i noticed the scar on her neck and that just tore me apart. she took off her arm bandages around then which really hurt to see, the cuts looked brand new but she closed them up immediately.
- we got Chaos in there as soon as we could and then the no shirt rule was in effect, and i got laurie to take off hers which is new. she kept using closed body language, like sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms around her legs. very closed off! but she was watching us with these really compassionate eyes and i could tell she wasn't closed off all the way.
- Chaos was trying to help me with the fragility, but I was too broken yet and couldn't handle it much. it took a very long time to even get situated, i was so nervous. then we decided to go back to the march 2nd/ commission thing and that helped a little, it made us remember what was behind that, but chaos eventually told me to activate my power jewels so I did and he honestly kissed my star jewel and that just was INSANE. what it did was channel that love through me on an almost mental level, but i understood it physically too, and it really helped me stabilize enough. so that went on for a while, with him and i just trying to work around the fragility thing, but he wouldn't stop until he hit a pressure point and it wasnt happening because i was too nervous. so i let go and let myself kind of fall into that, and then he got too close to my heart and it was overwhelming so i ended up going blue fairy and that was it.
- i got such an astoundingly powerful drive to be with him, and it was surprising, but it was driving us to the edge and we were pushing limits everywhere. he asked me to kiss him and i did and we just kept going! but it was amazing because no matter what we did, it was still for the brightest motives and all we wanted was to be as close as possible. there was no fear or doubt at all, it was amazing. we realized that we were feeling way too much so why not take it all the way, so after briefly asking laurie if she was okay with that (because she was still there of course) we decided to actually connect again. and we absolutely lost ourselves.
- i remember we hit soul forms before the surge and laurie was visibly amazed, she later said it honestly looked like we were 'one' when we did merge and it did feel like it! it was that sort of sparkling rush and it's the sort of non-self feeling you're supposed to get, well there you go. laurie was in tears after all this, we kind of apologized because we really took it far, but she said it was fine, just a lot to take in was all.
- our heart energy just keeps fusing and you have no idea how that feels, whenever chaos and i are close like that now, it's like a minor connection there, just tying us together and it feels safe almost? it feels right and incredibly sincere, we just wanted to stay like that forever, but we couldn't go on another connection spree that would be insane. we would have though!
- then we got genesis in there and that was awesome, no shirt rule, he actually took off his shoes and wow he looks really pretty like that, i never realized. he actually got nervous almost immediately and kept saying 'it's been a while since i've done anything like this,' so cz and i both offered to 'help' concerning that and the deep mood we were supposedly needing. chaos kissed him but genesis said it felt weird to take it farther than that so then he went over to me. i clearly remember saying that i couldn't believe i almost forgot how beautiful he was.
- also it hit me just how muscular laurie was now that i could see that and i suddenly wanted to memorize her too, so badly, but that's jumping way too far ahead. then i looked at genesis and man i don't have him memorized either, so i told him that we could work on that in the future if he wanted to.
- apparently i was taking it too fast for genesis too, i went 'fire mode' and he accused me of being too straightforward now so i had to slow down. we weren't even thinking of connecting, we were just being close, but it has been a long time. he actually sang the ferry corsten lyrics at one point and it was adorable and touching at the same time. but mostly it made me remember exactly what we had and i had been taking for granted.
- genesis wanted to try connecting but it was in a sudden 'heck with it' motivation so i told him to not dive in, it wouldn't work. we did get close though and it was weird, it felt like our heart energy had to be 'translated' and that might have just been because we haven't been close like that in almost four years. anyway there wasn't any transfer we were just doing that platonically almost. at that point i realized that genesis had this very 'sharp,' sort of buzzing but bright energy that felt like thin gold streamers, going up? hard to explain, like when you take light photography, like that. it was very optimistic though, we were almost laughing, we decided that we didn't need to go 'deep' because this was significant too and besides i wanted to appreciate his own vibe too.
- right then genesis noticed it was getting close to 9 and he asked me if we were involving laurie in this. i said i didn't know but he then decided i should try and we quickly wrapped everything up. laurie said that regardless of what might happen she wanted to be alone. so genesis left and chaos actually walked over and kissed her on the head which was adorable, but he wished her good luck with everything.
- then it was me and laurie. i think we just talked at first, i asked her what she wanted to do and what she was comfortable with, she said she was still kind of scared and not ready at all. she seemed oddly frustrated but it was the sort of anger you get when you have as many walls up as she does and it just chokes you, it was very fear-based, but it was giving her a strong edge. i forget what happened to lead up to it, but eventually she decided 'to heck with it' and she took off her chest bandages. she was absolutely covered in scars and cuts, i literally started crying, it felt like my heart had been torn out. right about then i just wanted to be close to her but she wouldn't really let me.
- laurie felt like a magnet. for some reason when i was with her, space felt really compact, and my awareness was so focused on just that little place we were in it was crazy. but she felt like a 'black hole' at first, like there was this incredible energy pull from her in general. i told her this and i think she tried to calm down? but after i saw her body scars she was like a magnet, i needed to be close to her, i couldn't help it. but she kept pushing me away. i could not stop crying and she had to grab my hand a few times to keep me from just innocently trying to be close to her, as she still had her walls up and was quietly freaking out about it, i could tell.
- the most noteworthy thing was near the end, i got such a fire in my chest, i told her and she looked scared that i was feeling that for her. i tried to give her some of it but she literally shoved me back, and told me not to, she was not ready for that. i apologized profusely but tried to explain that i just could not help it. she told me to give it to chaos, and she got up and put everything back on. she was about to leave but i asked her if i could please at least hug her, and i wouldn't let any energy get through. so she did and it was an effort to hold that fire back, i was still crying. i know she kissed my shoulder while i was there and apologized, then just left, she was hurrying in an understated way but i knew she couldn't be there anymore.
- i was by myself for a minute or so. i was so sad and so happy at the same time, still crying. i fell back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling, and i started singing 'daylight' to myself but it hurt too much. then i got up and called chaos in.
- he asked what was up and i told him about the fire and how laurie said to give it to him. but i also told him how she kept pushing me away, and was so distraught i actually pushed him, i apologized but he said it helped him realize just how much that hurt me. i told him how laurie felt like a magnet, almost inescapable, and told him about genesis' energy too, but chaos felt boundless like an ocean, submissive in a strong sense but so all-encompassing in a way. very ocean like though. anyway i was worried about laurie, and i thought that maybe she needed someone to be close more than anything, that was the magnetism, but she had so many walls up it couldn't work and that was the black hole? she was desperate but refused to acknowledge it, and kept denying it, but i felt it.
- anyway the fire and pain was gone now that i was with him but i still wanted to be with him anyway. we ended up jokingly trying to reenact the ai scene with joe but we kept getting carried away. i said i wanted to go somewhere different if we were going to connect again, it just felt like we should. chaos smiled at me and then suddenly he warped us out.
- i am not even joking, we ended up at the m.e. shrine, i flipped out and asked him if we really were there and he said why not? the master emerald had a similar feeling to chaos in that it was so boundless and strong, but it had a dormant power behind it. chaos told me not to touch it, he didn't know what that would do to me.
- long story short we ended up starting to connect again right there, i remember at one point i stopped and said the old emerald poem because it felt really true all of a sudden, and it felt like i was 'the server' in a new sense, that was really strong in my head, like someone was telling it to me.
- at one point chaos actually reached out and touched the emerald, then channeled some of that energy into me, it was this really vivid sort of expectant energy and then chaos told me to love him with that now that i had it too. there was some weird sort of energy warp here, it felt like we were in some sort of pocket dimension for a minute, just pure energy. near the end of our connection i know i reached out to try and touch the emerald myself but chaos held my hand and it just ran through both of us. there was so much energy it was somehow hovering right before a breaking point, but not going anywhere, it was driving me crazy and i was starting to get exhausted so i had to almost force a surge but we did manage it.
- immediately afterwards i clearly remember feeling like i had all this excess energy and a glow, and chaos looked at me and almost started crying, but he was smiling and asked me if i knew what had just happened. i said no, we hadn't hit soul forms but i felt so charged. he actually picked me up as i was exhausted and we left the shrine and walked down to the river, and in my reflection i noticed that i had all this pinkish fiery energy about me, especially in a plume behind my head like a celebi, and i had some sort of energy halo. it was amazing, i asked him what happened and he said apparently i had some sort of minor reaction to the emerald too? after all it chose him a long time ago but with we were to each other, i guess it was my turn in a way. i re-absorbed the energy which was actually tricky but then i was still ridiculously tired, so we sat down by the river and just tried to take it easy for a bit.
- chao started showing up then, they were really excited about me and chaos said it was probably because of what had just happened. a ton of them were just cuddled up to me which was adorable, and chaos started talking to one and apparently they were asking who i was. he told them my name and explained i was who he was 'always talking about' and the chao got even more excited now, which was cute. then suddenly i realized i could understand them like they were speaking english, and i told chaos, and he started crying again because geez this stuff keeps happening, it's amazing! so we talked to the chao some more and chaos promised that soon he'd bring xenophon with us too (xennie told me that chaos takes her here with the chao fairly often), but that we did have to leave then.
- we went back to our room in headspace and we were still reeling from all that, but i pointed out to chaos that he was being surprisingly vocal about things today, usually i'm the one talking and being ridiculously affectionate. he said that it was because he realized how i'm always trying to remember how he looks, always giving him so much attention, and he was afraid he was taking that for granted because he never has that problem with me. we mentioned the point from october 10th again, how that was nothing to be afraid of, and then he asked me how much i loved him because he wanted me to get poetic. i said i loved him with my entire heart but how else do you say that? then i did get poetic, and talked about atoms and galaxies and how huge the universe was but how small its building blocks were, and yet in every single cell there was the spark of life, and life was love, and that was what i was tapping into with this love. that was how much i loved him. he was stunned and really moved by that, and then he used time as an example for how much he loved me, with our pasts and futures and how old he was and how young i was, and how arbitrary that was in the big picture, and with moments being part of forever. forever isn't long at all when i'm with you, you know. but it all summarized down to the same point i told him, that in the tiniest fraction of space and the tiniest moment in time, there was the same stuff that made all that ever was or will be, and that was love, creation was love, and we were feeling that. it was beautiful.
- i was so tired at this point though and it was about 1030, so i just faded out while we were together because i didn't want to explicitly leave, not after what the past few hours had been like.


and now i am here, at 1am on the second, haha.
add more to this if you remember it tomorrow. love and peace dude.