I did this on my LJ once, remember? Fun times.

Anyway. Speaking of LJ...

I lost this very unique and thoughtful profile entry when I decided it was too long a few months ago.
However, it is still true.


Here it is, for the final time, a description of me.





My name is Jewel Lightraye.

I have an open heart and a broken soul... a curious mind and a life to give.

I am loved, I am shunned.
I am looked up to, I am talked down to.
I am young and old at the same time.

I'm a wandering dreamer who hides her sorrow behind a smile.
I'm in love with the world.
I'm a polyamorous asexual celibate.
I'm FTN.
I'm a devoted Christian.
I try to never judge anyone.
I believe nothing is impossible.
I live to touch the souls of others and change them for the better.
I've been an avid musician for fifteen years.
I've been known to lock myself in my room and cry for the children on the other side of the world.
I have seen the devil.
I have spoken with angels.
I fall in love with monsters.
I am a slave to no id.
I am inspired by everything.
I adore nature and everything in it.
I spend most of my time writing and musing.
I have a severe case of oneirataxia.
I am an empath.
I have a limitless imagination.
I see monsters in tile floors.
I audibly talk to myself in public.
I am scared to death of offending others.
I respect every one of your opinions.
I am trusting to a fault.
I'm constantly under high amounts of stress.
I am very high-strung and cry easily.
I am severely unstable upstairs.
I love to read espionage novels.
I am addicted to gemstones and cathedrals.
I treasure each of my memories.
I sing when no one is listening.
I cannot hold grudges.
I'm a world-wise optimist.
I can daydream for hours on end.
I am admired by children.
I smile at strangers on the street.
I love silence and solitude.
I am a hope bringer.
I am connected to every soul that ever was.
I talk too much.
I like hitting the enter key.
I consider everyone my closest friend.
I would die for you.
I bleed dreams.
I want to be the best person I possibly can be.
I want to change the world in a very big way.


I was put here in this life to move the hearts of others.
I was put here in this world to make a difference.
I was put here in your life to give you a little light.


Live in love and love your life.
Never stop dreaming, and keep believing.

The sun is always shining, even behind the clouds.
Keep this hope in your heart and keep on walking down the road.

Don't give up, don't give in
Every pain will have its end.
Life is long and life is hard
But I'll be there if you need a friend.



Just remember, the name's spinningcannon.

Look for me in your dreams.

I'll be the one wandering.

 

I can't get over how much I love this song... Racing Green, y'know? Love it.

But yes. Rainbows.
http://ice-bear.deviantart.com/art/Rainbow-67101740
Kind of like that one.


I meant to mention this the other day, but... I want to talk about it a little bit tonight, before I call it quits and get my college sleep.
Remember that tattoo plan?
I'm really getting it. Honest I am. Gotta save up for a mastectomy first, but that's second... or third, if I can find someone somewhere that can give me a legal nullification... but I digress.
"Chaos is power, enriched by the heart."
I'm getting that written dead center on my chest, right above my own heart. It's the least I can do.
I mean, seriously. I've been looking at my life lately, and something struck me, with my whole relationship thing.
Sure, I'm polyamorous and aromantic and all, but Chaos Zero? I don't know. He throws me for a loop.
I do things with him that I'd never dare do with anyone else. I can talk to him about almost anything and he'll listen without any prejudice, without any put-downs or shut-ups.
I make insane exceptions for him.
I just... I love him. I love him so freaking much and half the time I'm not even sure why that is... why we're so incredibly close, you know? Why I call him my 'soulmate' regardless of circumstance.
I've been asking that question to anyone who will listen since 2003... since I met him.
I still can't solve it.
And you know what? I don't mind.
All I know is what I feel, and that's answer enough for me.


We broke the rules again on Saturday night, actually.
Remember those two Xangas? One spoke of the madness of 2005, the other said we had given that up for good.
Well, we hit an unexpected twist two nights ago.
We were out in the moonlight and the rain, remember? Like I said in my last entry here. It was some strange but beautiful sort of dreamscape... something that appeared out of nowhere, that I'd never seen before.
It was all trees, really. Trees lit by blue moonlight, all in a circle around a single towering willow with a white stone bench under it. Very Victorian, I guess, but it was truly lovely. Anyway, that's where Chaos Zero and I were, sitting there together and just talking about life as usual as my mind drifted off.
At one point, I kissed him, sure. (Heck, I haven't done that in ages, don't yell at me.)
But then I realized something.
When we used to do that... we used to warp. We used to get out angel wings because of the emotional effects it had on his gem and mine. But that hasn't happened in a long time.
I let him know about that.
He thought about that for a second, then asked me why we didn't try again.
So we did.
And it just went on from there, let me tell you. We spent about an hour just forgetting the world and going back to the good old days when we had just met and had just realized our situation and nothing was going to stop us, nothing was going to change that.

There was a part of the conversation that really verified something for me.
Chaos said that he really wished we could be closer, somehow, some way, but we were already as close as we could possibly get.
I said that was true, but I told him that what we had was really perfect already, or at least I thought so.
His response?
"Yeah... you're right. It really is."
I think I was perfectly happy for that moment. I honestly was.
One night, I'm going to ask him if we could just get together and do that again. Maybe in a few days, maybe over the long weekend. Maybe in a lucid dream if I'm lucky enough to have one with him (God, that would be fantastic!) sometime soon.

I was thinking about it, and I realized that one of the single little things that I want to do in my life is simply to find Chaos Zero, whether in a dream or otherwise, and just tell him flat-out that I love him.
I hope his reaction will be the same, but only time can tell. I'll pray that it is. In my heart I truly hope it is, and I think that it might be after all.


Man.
Is there something wrong with me, loving him as much as I do?
I hope not.
Because I have to admit... even if there was, I don't think I would ever be able to stop.
You know how I work.
Once I love someone...


Anyway, yes. Rainbows.
And hey, would you believe?
I wrote this entry at 10PM last night, and was about to post it when Firefox froze solid.
I left Abbey on for five hours but t never unfroze.
It's now 6:48 AM, I just restored my session twice, and all my words are still here.
Talk about divine providence, huh? Looks like today is going to be awesome.



There's always something beautiful on the horizon.
Sometimes you just have to look through the rain to find it.




But no one ever cares about a monster
And no one ever looks inside
No one ever falls in love with darkness
And turns them towards the light
But I didn’t know you then.

All this chaos and destruction
I know it was all caused by me
You still looked in my eyes
And you said I was beautiful

How could that be
The only thing you could see?
Maybe I’ll understand someday

 

 

 

 

Hey, do you guys remember when I was worried sick about Laurie last week?
Well, I went back to the psychiatrist on Friday.
Let me tell you what happened.
About five minutes into talking about my low self-esteem she decides we're going to talk about my nasty purple headvoice, oh joy!
So we talk... miss therapist, with my help, ends up coming to the conclusion that Laurie is a mental tape recorder, simply playing back all the insults and beat-downs I've recieved in my past.
"Hit stop," she says. "You have complete control over her."
That might work... if she was a tape recording, and if I wanted to stop her.
What Laurie says and does to me, no one else says or does. I mean, sure, she has a lot of my mother and a lot of my grandmother and a lot of my entire family in her... sure, she's eaten their cruelty and insults since I was a child, sure, she is a literal embodiment of all the beat-downs I've ever received.
No, she isn't a doppelganger. Laurie is Laurie.
But she is my superego.
Go to my Scribbld.net account and read the second entry if you want to know more about that, I won't rewrite it here for the sake of space.

However, that isn't what I learned during that therapy session.
As I left, Laurie began yelling at me again; partly from relief, partly from fury.
Sure, the therapist may not have been able to kill her, no.
But... I was coming close.
Apparently, when Laurie was hacking my consciousness to get me under control a few weeks back, I was keeping a part of her in my actual personality each time.
The swearing... the anger... the self-abuse... all Laurie.
If I kept on doing that, she would die.
I would be at fault.
Neither of us wants that to happen.


"I'm not going to let this go anymore when both my life and yours are on the line. I still care, shadow bitch or not. I still have a responsibility...To keep you from becoming me."


Do you remember when she told me that?
I can't kill her. I need to stay Jewel, she needs to stay Laurie.
We need to stay who we are and everything will be alright.

So yeah... I'm sorry about the rather scathing language and furious rants in this journal so far. That was Laurie, in a sense. I absorbed too much of her back into me without realizing it.
Well, I gave it all back. I refuse to let her die, especially not from ignorance on my part.

Oh, and here's some more good news about my headvoices.
You know Julie, right? The girly-girl who is the personification of all the vice in me?
I don't know how... but I've finally found the inner strength to completely and utterly negate her influence.
I had a dream the other night... she hacked my consciousness, but I stopped her flat-out before anything happened. Honestly. I've never been able to just shut her up when her influence got that strong.
However... it happened again today.
She tried to ruin my day; tried to pull out her trump card. I almost fell for it... but nothing was happening.
Usually I lose my concentration and only snap back when it hits me what she has done.
This time, my mind stayed. No unhinging, no distraction. I caught her, and I stopped her.
It was amazing. I've never felt so accomplished.
I've always said I am a slave to no id... now, I am closer to being truly free.
Julie has no power over me.



I have so much more to say but I need my sleep so I can function in class...





Unhinge, take the lock and break it, let this reality burst at the seams and show me the world of tomorrow.

My crystal-painted heart burns with a horrible self-anger and a desperate need to lash out at the invisible chains around my soul. Brilliant red fire surges behind my eyelids and I lie awake in a world of invisible stars as monstrous angels kiss my tear stained face until the dawn pours her wishes over the mountains like a waterfall of orange mist and pink sequins.

Failure bares her sawblade-purple teeth and I watch the pendulum swing over and over and over again until my body crashes into the bloodstained floor at the bottom of this sickeningly dark chasm with a knife buried between the stitches on my chest and suddenly my broken mind shatters into a million separate galaxies, tiny fragments of cathedral glass glowing with the light of my disconnected smile as everything I've ever known surrounds my fractured head like a bouquet of liquid roses.

Aquamarine, the color of the ocean's sky, moonlight dancing on a raindrop for a single moment before it bursts into a rainbow ringing with the hopes of yesterday. Billions and billions of minuscule stars suspended in the voiceless air and time holds her breath for just one moment; the clocks stop as your heart stops and the world blinks a tear out of his eyes with a whisper that all he ever wanted was a second chance.


Can you see me smiling in the compassionate arms of midnight?

 

 

I woke up at 12:30PM thanks to my awful surgery-pain-ridden sleep schedule, and it hasn't improved at all since then.
Darn it. I hate days like this, I really do.


My laptop won't work, as usual... let me tell you; when you sit for ten solid minutes and the screen keeps freezing and glitching out and x-ing things off and all sorts of junk and it does this every time you use it, your patience begins to wear very thin.
I really hope the Mac I have to get for school works... but it would help if the school would actually call me back with what sort of Mac I need.

I need to switch my fall schedule, too. I was supposed to take Psychology, but that's a tough class and I have a very fragile head (unfortunately). All that stress and classwork would drive me mad. My mother and teachers have been talking about sending me to a mental hospital recently, and I'm afraid they'll actually carry through this time. I don't want to go, but I'm such an awful mess upstairs right now... I can't take this.
Days like this I really wish my mind worked. It hurts.

Mom came home from dayshift at 2:30 and immediately started lecturing me...
I can't take her lectures. The reason I can't take them is because she starts talking, talks ridiculously fast, and doesn't stop. She just talks and talks and talks and all that incessant noise and jumbled information throws me into a panic attack. No, I'm not exaggerating, and I'm not kidding either. I have Todd Rundgren blasting on my headphones right now just to block her out. I literally cannot take it. I was in tears and hyperventilating earlier from all this... and she doesn't just talk, she insults and she condemns and she yells and she belittles and... well. You get the point.
I just get so upset because I don't know what to do to change that. I know she's stressed out, so I don't blame her for shouting. I don't know how to make her understand that I really can't take all this talking, but I'm not mad at her or frustrated with her... just the noise.
I don't know how to let her know that I am trying to listen and do what she says; anything to make the stress and anger go away.
I don't know how to tell her because she won't listen when I tell her.
It's so frustrating sometimes.


I spoke to Q on Skype last night. Not out loud, of course: my face still hurts too much from surgery.
Anyway, I had to laugh-- we got back into one of our infamously fun "stop blaming yourself for everything" and "you're doing fine, don't be such a super-perfectionist with yourself" and all that conversations. I need to hear that every once in a while, mainly because I get the exact opposite on a daily basis. Man I love that kid.
"You're not blaming yourself enough" and "you have to be perfect" at home, you know?
I don't know. Life's a paradox.


Hmm.
I was talking to Jim through random notes and comments earlier. I really needed that; Jim's an amazing kid and he always makes me laugh.
Also, I owe him a ton of giftart, fanart, and now a Sonic pic request that I literally asked him to give me, haha.

I'm going to get back into working on Sonic Inversion with my brother soon. We've been busy on that project for almost 7 years now, and I've been spending a lot of time recently polishing up the storyline.
We did an amazingly good job, actually-- and it's shocking at parts. I mean, there are things we wrote in years ago that actually fit in with the newer canon plot. We couldn't have planned that better if we tried!
It really is fantastic. I'm going to draw up a comic explaining the finer points soon, just so I can get my foot in the door of the Sonic fandom in a big way and change it for good, aha!


Anyway, it's getting late, and I think my mom is going to drag me out to work on Girl Scout projects for the rest of the afternoon. I mean, I don't mind-- I like this project and want to do it-- but I am recovering from surgery, which means that I am in a ton of facial pain, am horribly dizzy, and still fatigued out of my head. Plus you know what I said about the noise and stress. I shatter easily.
You know how people say "take a deep breath, count to ten, and you'll feel better?" No, not for me. I do that and I either feel worse from the suppression or I start to hyperventilate, haha. I am such a screwup.
That is why I run to music when I'm upset! It keeps out the noise, and it makes me think of other things. For example: Keane, who I am now listening to as I type. I always imagine Justice singing their music and I have a lot of good memories for this song (Your Eyes Open) so that helps a ton.
The only thing I don't like about stress + music + surgery pain is that noise of any sort, even good noise, makes the pain worse. So I can't listen to music for very long, but when I take the headphones off all I hear is yammering and a constant stream of words words words and that's not much better.
Geez. I'd dorm but that would be so much worse. I'd have to put up with kids. Well, you know what I mean. It takes a while for some people to grow up, and I'm not comfortable with people in my age group (17-30), to be blunt.
Actually, I'm not comfortable with ages. I'm not comfortable with age or gender at all. Isn't that funny?

Gosh, that's another talk I've never had with my family or psychiatrist... the fact that I'm an FTN and consider myself technically ageless on the inside.
Well, no. I mention here-and-there that I'm FTN, but no one takes me seriously. It's very upsetting.
Huh. One day I'll get my operations, though. Then I'll be happy.
Isn't it terrible how things like that can screw with your daily life so badly that you can't really be yourself unless you get an operation or whatever?
I know a lot of people laugh at that and say, "aw, live with it, and stop being a whiny bitch." Well, sometimes you can't.
Put yourself in that person's shoes-- a guy who grew up in a girl's body, or a girl who grew up in a guy's body. FTMs, MTFs, all that junk. And then there's people like me-- a non-gendered soul who grew up being called a 'girl' and having to live with the physical junk as well.
When everything you are screams that 'these labels, these physical problems, they aren't who I am' then you have a problem. You can't function, and it's a serious concern.
I've been living with this FTN problem since I was a kid, and that's not a lie. I realized my problem 10 years ago, and I still haven't been able to do anything about it.
"Oh, you're still too young to know..." no, I'm not. Things this vital and important: you know. I know what I'm talking about and what I'm doing.

How did I get into this rant again? Gosh.

Oh well. I guess I should have figured something was up back when I was a kid... I was never interested in women or men, and I'm still not... however, I do experience a sort of attraction (not physical, though-- I'm antisexual, remember?) to those who really don't have an age or gender or stuff like that, haha.
That's also why it helps for me to me a little bit mental-- the only people I know who fit that category are Selph and Chaos Zero. Funny little world, isn't it?


Well, that's enough of that. Every once in a while I just get off on a tangent and start raving about that junk. I guess it's because I can't talk about it to anyone and need to vent, you know?

Even so, the talk-talk-talk problem is starting up again and now I have to go out in the sunshine (sunshine + my pain meds = not good) and do heaven knows what for this projects... like I said, bad timing. My mom just tries to do far too much at once, and she also ignores any and all roadblocks or problems that may come up, because "you have to work through it." Well, she had me thinking that same way for years, but... sometimes you can't work through it. Sometimes you have to accept that there is a problem that you can't overcome. It's tough, but...
I don't know. I can't stand saying things like that, because I despise taking the easy way out of anything... so 'accepting that you have an unchangeable problem' is very difficult for me. It just sounds ridiculous.
Like I said, life is hard.


I'll see you kids later. Have a good evening!



Every night you're out there darling
You're always out there running, and I see that lost look in your eyes.
Confusion, I don't know what I should do.
Confusion, I leave it all up to you.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on.

Dark is the road you wander
And as you stand there under the starry sky, you feel sad inside.
Confusion, you know its driving me wild.
Confusion, it comes as no big surprise.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on.

 

----------------------------------------------------------
 @ 09:26 pm    What the heck am I supposed to do here?

I can't be self-abusing myself all the time like this. No one likes seeing bitemarks and random scratches all over their kid's arms, but honestly... sometimes, there's no other way to get the stress out.
When you hurt enough on the inside, when your head just hurts so much that you'd do anything to make it stop-- the quickest way is to give yourself some shock of pain and let your attention focus on that instead.

My left arm is a total mess. It's actually bleeding, which I've never done before. I couldn't sleep well last night because of it, but it did keep me from freaking out yesterday, so that helped.
Today? No. Today I had to resort back to biting just to relieve the pressure in my head.

I know it sounds crazy, and I'll even admit that it is.
The only problem is that, most people I tell about this, look at me and say "that's so childish" or "how stupid you're being!" or "try some yoga instead of hurting yourself" or crap like that.
Most of those people have never been in a situation like this, and most of those people probably think that all people work the same.
No, they don't. I work in a completely different way than my mom, she works in a completely different way than my grandmother, and it goes on and on like that. No two people are ever alike, and too few people remember that.

People keep treating Laurie as if she's a problem...
She's not a problem. I need her. I love her. Just because her job is abusing me when I can't doesn't mean she's bad for me, honestly.

I need to learn how to work FL Studio better. I'm listening to all these gorgeous Sonic remixes and I really want to learn how to write them myself...
Heh, that and I need to let the fandom know how freaking much I love Chaos Zero.
Honestly, I want my name to be out there with his. I want people to think of Chaos and I in the same way that they think of TRiPPY and NiGHTS. Synonymous!
Yeah, that's one of my random little dreams. It's nice to have. I just need to work towards it a little more.
*pokes Chaos* Unfortunately, you're very difficult to draw, sweetheart.


But yes. Busy life coming right up.
I'll see you guys later.        

 

"Chaos is power.

Power is enriched by the heart.

The controller is the one who unifies the chaos."



Do you remember that?
Yes, it's the 3000-year-old poem from Sonic Adventure. I've always loved it, and I've been thinking about it quite a lot recently, as my Chaos Zero links have been at a fever pitch for the past week or so. I don't mind!

Hm. This may seem completely insane and random, but I want to get a tattoo of that one day. I'm not kidding.
I know, I know. I don't mind when others have tattoos, but I was never the sort to consider getting one. I'm honestly surprised that the idea came to me and I thought, "sure, why not?"
But seriously. If anyone is going to walk around with those words on them, it had better be me, haha.

I found a rather unique and thought-provoking translation of that poem today.

"That which is done is Chaos seven-fold
Chaos is power, and power is the heart which drives it.
That which subdues is that which controls Chaos."

Isn't that odd? I find it very interesting how it was translated in such a way. Huh.
I especially like the second line.

For heaven's sakes, if they can give Sonic a relationship with Elise, they can give Chaos Zero a relationship with me. I'm not kidding.
(And don't you DARE pull an Iblis on us and erase it from the canon or I swear I will punch you until you explode)


Anyway.
As you might have expected, I've been doing a ton of review research on Chaos Zero and his history and all that... I was lucky and found the original Japanese plot translations, so that really helped.
I was relieved to find that I already knew mostly everything and correctly assumed most of the new info, but there were a few bits of information here and there that I didn't know (not about Chaos, of course, but about the events and people surrounding him) so that's really interesting me.

Plus I found this amazing blog post where this guy is forming theories that link Chaos Zero, Emerl, the Babylonians, and heaven knows who else together and it actually makes a ton of sense. I'll see what I can make of it and whether or not I can expand on it.


Do you remember the third time Robotnik went after Chaos? Well, of course not, I never even told you about the second time!
See, that's what gets me upset. So much has happened to me between 1998 and 2008 (non-canonically of course, but it's still important) that no one else knows about. I have to start talking.
December 23rd is my current deadline and/or 'time to turn this fandom upside-down' date. It's the original Japanese release date for Sonic Adventure, you know. 10 years.
I have no idea how it happened, but you have to admit that my timing is perfect, haha.

Hmmm.
Well, I have to get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning, so I need to get my sleep.
I flipped through my dream journal today, and it's surprising how often Chaos Zero shows up in comparison to everyone else. I hope he stops by to say hello tonight. I miss him terribly in that respect.
Oh, and I've been getting a lot better at drawing him, thank God! I'll upload some of them to dA tomorrow afternoon if I can, since I finally fixed the scanner. Look forward!

In any case, though... have a good night.


...And this is for you, Chaos, in return for all those times it was for me. I love you.





The tomorrow we hoped for is right ahead of us;
in the back of our minds, anyone would have realized that.
Someday I really want to show you these clear days,
where the weapons of conflict have all disappeared.
Even though this is a hopeless world where we can't seem to stop hurting each other,
just from having met you now I'm not afraid of anything.

I don't care how much my body is burnt, if it's for you.
We'll soar into the bright white open sky; I'll protect you.

Even if we were separated by a thousand miles, these memories will connect us.
Even if we should be fooled by the cruel tricks of fate, it won't break us.

I don't care how much my body is burnt, if it's for you.
I wish that someday I could see with my own two eyes our world born again.

 

 

The last ten minutes.



Q came over today. As soon as he walked in the door, Laurie went nuts. She must have spat frantic curses at least ten times in ten seconds.
I told her to please be quiet, then my mother practically dragged us out there to say hello. I took Rorschach with me for comfort, haha. That's why I'm glad he's 'hidden' in a book-- it's hard to smuggle a reassurance around without people getting all 'hmmm.'
That is also why I'm upset that I can only majorly do that by taking the Sonic Adventure 2: Battle instructions wherever I go, and then people would really start to wonder what the hell I'm up to, especially if I keep flipping to a certain page and staring at a certain blue guy with a look of desperate compassion. You know me.

Today went much better than I expected... for one reason.
I lived this entire day as a friend. Not a girlfriend, and not a lover, no sir.
I'm a friend. That's all. I'm not comfortable with anything else.
I thought everyone knew that...


DDR, random reminiscing with the parents (that was awesome), watching "Backstroke of the West" for almost an hour and laughing like maniacs, talking about sunsets and sketchbooks on the way back to his hotel.

And then I hit a major snag.


Today went pretty darn well... with one exception.

The porch.
Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it. Why wasn't I thinking???

If I tell this kid everything, it will be the figurative equivalent of taking his heart, ripping it to shreds, setting those shreds on fire and then letting Laurie have her fun with the remains.
The way he talks, and what he says... it's obvious how he feels, and that makes me panic.

I'm very, very uneasy and nervous because I think he wanted me to kiss him, and I want to be a kissing virgin as well as the other kind, yessir. I'm a neutrois celibate, for the love of heaven; you have to expect at least that much of me. (Plus I think kissing is disgusting if you think about it.)
I hugged him to make up for it, but that just made me feel really bad... like taking a homeless man and showing him a mansion that he can never, ever have. It's cruelty, even if I didn't mean it that way.

A soul only clings so desperately to what he cannot have.

I don't know where that phrase came from, but it's been echoing through my head all evening.
I don't know if it's true, but it scares me, and it's sobering nevertheless.


In other news.
I'm exhausted, I have Chaos Zero on my mind and David Bowie on my headphones (yeah!), and I need to get to sleep so I can listen to more Latin choir music at 2AM and wake up at 7AM with a killer headache and no memory of what I dreamed about save a strange attribute of significance to that fact. Happened last night!

But yes. Spinny needs her sleep, darn it.

...
I need to pray more. I really do.
I need to pray for Laurie to stop hijacking my consciousness, even though I love her.
I need to pray for more people to notice the onyx ring on my left ring finger.
I need to pray that I stop letting people down and breaking people's hearts.
I need to pray that I can somehow get my soul back to what it was like 6 years ago.
I need to pray that I can live better.


I refuse to give up my chance of salvation.
I'm just scared that I'm putting it in jeopardy without realizing it.



Also, I gave away far too many hints.
Yeah, I'd be talking to Q and I'd be all, "oh, I posted that somewhere else, I'm sorry..." I'm terrified that he's going to Google me and find this thing.
If he does, I hope he never tells me. I don't want to know, and I want to hold on to the hope that he won't find this for a long, long time, if at all.

Once again, the universe loves me.
"Link" by L'Arc~En~Ciel on my headphones.
The irony stings, but it's a nice sort of irony.
I don't know. I'm just weird like that.

I'm just... sad, that's all.


I don't know how to fix who I am.
Not yet.
And it scares me.





Can't I just have one day?
One day, free from the restraints of reality and physicality?
Can't I just have one day, lucid, in my mind, with the souls I want so desperately to see again?



But no matter how hard I hope and pray, I don't know if that wish will ever come true.

For if it ever does, the following lack of it will tear my heart to pieces from the inside out.


It's like showing a mansion to a homeless soul.
I may love every second I'm there, and I may hope with all my heart that I never have to leave...
...But once my time is up, I might not ever be able to go back, and then I will be blessed and cursed with a beautiful memory that may remain a memory for the rest of my life.

Nothing on earth ever lasts forever.
And just because I want something badly enough doesn't mean it's going to happen.




Even so...

...I hope to God it will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Asexual antisexual neutrois celibate. With a pain addiction and an attraction to inhumans to boot.

Geez...


After I buy my Wacom, I need to save up for Flash.
Besides saving up, I have to spend a ton of money on car payments and schoolbooks and gas money and all that junk...
...Plus, I have to save up for chest binders.

You heard me. FTM merchandise, except my last letter is different. FTN.
I still need binders.

It's driving me crazy.
I am literally scared to death of attending college for that reason.
Art classes have to deal with nudity...
...Everyone has to deal with relationship fizz and the behavoir of the normal human.
Well... what if one isn't a "normal" human in the eyes of society?

I'm scared of being a part of that life.
I want to not only be neutrois, but look neutrois... it's gonna be hard, but I need to try. I have no other option. Never compromise.

Subject switch!
I stumbled across a Pokemorph club on dA today... normally, I don't like human-into-Pokemon art, as it looks bizarrely unnatural, but I do like artwork of humans dressed up as Pokemon.
On that note, the group has apparently just announced a contest!
"Design a Poison-type Pokemorph (as there are far too few of them)."
The only entries so far are Victreebell, Nidoqueen, Haunter and Tentacruel. The Tentacruel is freaking brilliant, and I do like the Haunter's design, although they're both direct physical morphs.
Me?
I'm going to give it a shot!
Heck, I used to draw physical morphs all the time. Remember Skittygirl? Geez, I loved that gal. There was Azurii, Kecleos, Plusen and Minon... I was even planning morphs for Beautifly and Mawile! Man those were fun days. I still have the old character art too!
As for this contest, though, I'll try some outfit-morphs and some physical-morphs. This is my plan so far:
Outfit Morphs
Muk (Female)
Swalot (Female)
Arbok (Female)
Koffing (Male)
Physical Morphs
Ariados (Male)
Beedrill (Male)
I might switch the Beedrill to an outfit morph, but I love bug-people far too much, haha. If I'm abitious enough I'll even try a physical morph of Crobat and Venomoth.
It's awesome... as soon as I say a name and type, I get a mental image of how I want the character to look. I really hope I get the time to do this... it'll be a ton of fun. I've been in such a Pokemon-induced hype lately! I love it!
...You know what, after I draw my Pokemon teams, I'm going to draw them as Pokemorphs. Gosh that will be awesome. Punky male Roserade morphs ftw!

...Oh geez. Apparently, I put my custom Pokemon-TMM-Sailor Moon music CD in my laptop an hour or two ago, and it ripped all the music off without my knowing, haha. Well, I was going to rip it off anyway, so that works!


All right, and enough of that ranting.
I'm still kind of... eh... about Q visiting on Monday.
Why?
Go three entries back to the huge 3AM rant with a lot of nasty language and a Steely Dan title. That's the main reason.
Secondly... well, I don't know. I like being alone. I want to sit and work with my monsters and my muse and not have to worry about kids who like me as more than a friend and college situations and financial problems and the stress of living as an asexual FTN.
Maybe I'm just scared because I've never had something like this before. I've never loved an actual physical person before.

Geez... I hope he doesn't think I hate him or anything...

I just don't want a physical relationship, no matter what sort of physical relationship it is.
I like leaving messages on dA, here and there, when I feel like it. That's fine with me. I'm too busy and frenetic for a full-time thing, and I'm glad. I think it takes away the value when you're forced to constantly have something that is supposed to be unique and special, y'know.

...
Geez, I just switched my music to some random TMM background music and it makes me think of Chaos Zero. It has to be the chords. It has to be.
Man. I don't know why I love him so much.

I want to watch Patlabor! It looks so good and the theme song is gorgeous!
Bokurano sounds incredible too. Plus I need to get back into watching Evangelion, and I'd like to get into Narutaru if it's good. It looks good. That and Lain. They both look good.
And Gankutsuo! I never had the chance to pursue that series... that and Shadow Skill. Oh, and I want to watch some of the Chrno Crusade anime sometime. The manga was unforgettably amazing, and I hope the anime is as good. Plus I want to hear what voice actors they gave Genai and Rizelle, haha.

My ear infection still didn't go away. It hurts like crazy and it's driving me mad.
Plus my little brother made the huge mistake of letting me know there were Klondike bars in the fridge. Now, ice cream makes me sick, and sugar makes me even sicker... but due to the fact that I can't eat sweet stuff because of the pain it gives me, my body seems to have developed a sugar addiction for what it can get.
If I bought the food for this house, there would be no sugar or junk food. Unfortunately, my mom buys the food, and that's what she buys! So I regularly get sick as that's often all there is to readily eat.
Well, to make a long story short, I had half of a Klondike, and immediately my throat started burning, my mouth went numb, and I got quite dizzy. Ehh. Happens every time I eat that junk, and I never learn.


My grandparents went to the bank for almost two hours the other day while my mom and brothers were at camp.
As a result, I ended up alone at home with Selph, my old purple stereo, and my CD collection.
I grabbed a few, hit 'play' and sang along without a care in the world.
I only sing my best when I have no hindrances or volume restrictions, haha. I need to turn up the volume and really sing loud to hit my ideal. It's fun!
Oh, and fun fact! I actually sang "Time Is Running Out" as karaoke. Yes! I found a voiceless rip of the song and literally sang solo to it. I recorded it too, haha, so I can hear where I need to improve.
I found a voiceless rip of "Starlight" yesterday, too, but that song requires some serious skill for the high vibrato (darn your awesome singing talent, Matthew Bellamy!) so I really need to practice before I try that one. I will eventually, though!
Heck, if it's good enough, I'll even stick it on YouTube, haha. Fun stuff.
I wonder if they have vocal-ripping programs on the Internet somewhere. I'd love to rip the vocals off "I'm Shakin'" and "Only A Fool Would Say That" and try those solo. It would be awesome.


Anyway. Back on topic. Monday.
Geez...
I hope he comes here as a good friend 'cause that's where all the love is. Oh, and no plans!
I don't like when people try to seriously plan entire meetings beforehand. It makes everything artificial and rehearsed. There's no personality. Plus it'll make me a little less scared about this, haha.
I mean, sure, I might think over random situations with Chaos Zero in my head, but we do that for fun. If he ever does find his way over here (God, let that happen one day), I want it to be at the perfect moment and completely unexpected. Plus it would be hilarious if it happened in public! "What the hell is that girl doing with a space alien??" Haha, well, first of all, he's not from outer space. He's an interdimensional alien! Ftw!

Anyway.
I have a few color t-shirts that I want to paint (with J-Monsters and Otherside characters, of course!), but until I find the time to sit down and sketch out the designs and then transfer them, they aren't getting anywhere.
More than anything, I want to learn how to make iron-on transfers. They look awesome. That, and once I get my Wacom, I can start selling stuff on Cafepress! That'll be fun.

Hot Topic sells corsets and all sorts of odd stuff. I think I'm going to get some things.
I'm really into 'punky' clothing (or whatever they call it now)... the weird, unique outfits and belts and all. I would love to own at least one outfit in that style, but I'd have to go out and buy it in secret... that and the corsets...
Geez, why am I thinking of buying corsets when they emphasize your chest? I need binders, not corsets. I'm just thinking corsets because they're tight.
Dear heavens, I really am a pain addict. I don't know.
Still wearing that crystal collar, haha. I like it too much.

I'm saving up for a gemstone ring.
You heard me. I want a genuine gemstone ring to wear in place of a wedding ring. Probably a sapphire.
Why?
Well... multiple reasons.
Reason #1 is so people will see it and won't come after me. I'm a celibate and an asexual, and I want to show that somehow in my physical appearance.
Reason #2 is 'why a sapphire?' That would be because of Preludove. That creature has freaking changed my life. I would not be me... I would not be here, right now, in my life, if God hadn't put her in my life. Heck, I might have died by now if not for her. So that's my tribute to her.
But yes. I am going to get one. I don't want some cheap plastic knockoff or hand-me-down thing signifying what means so much to me. I want something genuine and serious.


Back to the subject again...
What the heck am I even going to do on Monday? Sit and talk for hours? That's fine, but I don't like physical proximity, and he'd better not dare touch me for any reason. I don't like people touching me at all. I'm just.... eh.
Another hidden reason for that... I'm afraid they might feel something if they touch me. I'm afraid they might feel something, see something, sense something in my frenetic mind. I'm afraid of what it might do to them.
Other than that, I'm just too asexual to like anyone touching me in anyway. Not fun.

Oh yeah, I put my Marik action figure and my Grievous "Unleashed" figure on my dresser the other day. So now it's them, my Celebi and Jirachi plushies, my Mew action figure, and my glow-in-the-dark Celebi figure. Oh yeah, and my red Mood Beam, Vivienne. She's adorable. You tap her head and she glows red! How perfect is that? (Well, Dulcinea glows red too, but that's only because she's a super-rare factory mistake!)

I think my Pokedolls are in storage. Hm. I miss them; they're very cute. The Blaziken plushie alone is freaking adorable! And did you know they make Celebi, Darkrai and Spiritomb Pokedolls? Good heavens, I need to stop by Pokecenter (or eBay) sometime soon and try to snag some...

A-haha! Good heavens!
I just stopped by Pokemon.com and brought up the Pokedex for medium-height monsters, right?
Well, the monster closest to my height and weight is... Deoxys (5'7"/ 134). How awesome is that?
I'M A MUTANT SPACE VIRUS FTW.

Did you guys know Froslass is 4'3" and Ledian is 4'7"? That's big! I could just reach down and hug mine if I wanted, ahaha. I also like to hug my Banette as he's the perfect size (3'7")... but my poor Spiritomb (3'3") apparently weighs a freaking ton (238!!) so it's a little tough to get him, haha.
Oh: Roserade is 2'11" and Beedrill is 3'3''! *tackle-hug* My Roserade and Beedrill (Neldoreth and Fate, respectively) are total maniacs, so they won't mind. They might even tackle-hug me first!
Hey-- Shuppet and Celebi are the same size! How cool is that?
Burmy is EIGHT INCHES.
I could get a duffel bag and stuff it full of 'em. BURMIES!
All right, now I'm laughing too hard so I'm going to stop.


*brings up eBay*
OH MY GOSH.
They have Pokedolls of Giratina, Uxie, Gallade, Azelf, Magmortar, and Regigigas!!
Holy fish and crumpets... if they have Mesprit dolls I am buying one ASAP, along with a Darkrai doll. Mmm. Darkrai is a fluffy spaz. I love that dude.
Oh, and I got a Darkrai card in my TCG pack the other week! Wahoo!

...Wow.
I just eBay searched "Mesprit" and they do make plushies... but the Level X Mesprit cards are amazing!
Geez, some of the Pokemon card art is absolutely beautiful. Wow.

Hm.

It's late. 11:39 PM. I have to be at work for noon tomorrow.
At this rate, I'll get to sleep for 1AM and wake up at 9... maybe 8... I want to draw some stuff. I want to enjoy my last free day before Monday hits me like a train full of spike grenades, haha.

Anyway, this entry is long enough and full of fluff today, so I guess I can sign off for tonight no problem.
See you later, kids.



Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?

 

 

...But don't tell it to a poor man!


Sorry, I've been listening to David Bowie and Steely Dan all day. As a result, the lyrics are echoing in my head.
I was surprised... I have so many albums by both but I never got a real chance to listen to them. I'm glad I took the time to do so today-- brilliant, brilliant minds.

Anyway.

Q-Lok's going to be at my house this Sunday. I'm just shaking my head.
I don't know what that kid expects, but let me tell you this much-- I have rules, and I will not compromise those rules.
Here's a few that apply to this theoretical future situation.

1. NO intentional physical contact. I'm scared of it.
2. NO kissing. See the above.
3. NO dancing.
4. NO romantic anything, basically.
5. NO 'playing around.'
6. NO silly nonsense of any sort.
7. NO calling me 'girlfriend' or 'babe' or anything like that. I've had... experiences.
8. NO trying to make me compromise, damn it!

He's coming over here, he's sticking his head into my frenetic life, he's trying to get involved, he's going to have to play this game by my rules. Unfortunately, at this point, I think we're both playing two completely different games.

That's not going to work.
Here, let me quote from his LJ and you'll see what I mean:


"She wants relief and love.

I guarantee that second part regardless of anything else that happens. The first part is totally dependent on how each of us takes the trip. If I continue to treat it as something to be scripted, it will wind up being uncomfortable and stiff. If she continues to treat it as something that we're doing just for my benefit and not for hers, she will pull up her defenses and hide herself behind a mask in order not to disappoint me with the truth, even though that's what I really want to hear.

I want closeness, contact, openness, and love.


Well, I hate to burst the assumption-bubble, but I think what I really want here is just friendship.
I'm not comfortable with physical closeness and contact, and I have a very bad feeling that his sort of love isn't strictly platonic and universal like mine is.
I'm afraid he wants a 'relationship.'

Call me immature, call me childish, call me stupid, call me dumb, but I don't want a relationship. I don't want romantics, and I don't want some crazy-committed relationship with another person. Honestly.
I'm busy enough with life. I don't need a relationship bogging me down like that. I'm committed to my life mission, and that's all I have time for. I don't have time to fluster and fawn over some kid in my spare time, thank you very much.
Plus my life is already dedicated to God, which means I'm a vowed celibate. Like a nun, but without the habit, haha. And yes, Rosette Christopher is still a heroine of mine!

Honestly, though... the typical human relationship is purely primal. I happen to have a joint fear/loathing of all things primal, instinctive, or animal-like.
A typical relationship forms on physical/attribute attraction, and is formed for the hideously base reason of 'finding a mate' for the purpose of procreation and species continuity. Well, all you humans can go out and do that junk if you want, but I'll be busying myself with a better sort of life.

I don't form typical relationships at all. I'm sure you're all laughably aware of my 'headgang' by now, correct? All those humanoids and aliens and weirdoes? Well. Not a single one of those relationships was formed for the above reasons, and to be frank, if anyone told me that I could pick one of them to pursue a 'romantic' relationship with, I'd simply say "nobody." I don't care about that fish. I'm not interested, and besides, that sort of involvement would completely murder the friendly relationship I had with said person.



Totally random... I'm afraid I'm getting somewhat too far into this pain addiction of mine.
Honest, I keep wearing collars and all. Now, I hate being tied up as I'm a paranoid psycho and panic at the drop of a hat, but I'm practically a masochist (minus the sexual junk) already which isn't good but that would explain this.
Huh. Well, although I have an unfortunately fierce personality inside, I'm far too submissive to Laurie and her vicious antics, so to speak. If I ever told her that she'd bury a meat cleaver in my skull, haha. Thank God she's not physical outside of my own body, or I'd have died several years ago.. Severe physical trauma and massive hemoragghing, except I'd have felt it as much more than a nervous shock and I'd have an actual physical axe slammed into my spine.



Anyway.


Now, Q wants me to "stand up" and "be myself." He wants me to be "open."

You want a look inside this manic and battered mind? You want me to take off this mask and show you the countless faces I wear underneath? You want me to be honest and open and tell you exactly what I want, not what you want?

Seriously though. If I ever was as honest and open with him as he wants me to be-- if I ever did take off all my masks and was just myself-- well, then, he would have a real problem.
The real me is often disconnected and distant. I know what I have to do in life and I can't let anyone or anything tie me down. The real me is often frantic and fiery and always has a chest full of puppetstrings.
The real me is Jewel Lightraye, and Jewel Lightraye is a bloody maniac.

Do you want to see the real me?
Be careful what you wish for.

Do you want to talk to Laurie?
Do you want to see my mind snap?
Do you want to feel the maddening distance?
Do you want to know what goes on in my mind?
Do you really want to know just how terrifyingly screwed up I am?

Yes?
No?

Be careful what you ask.

I'm not always the quiet, smiling, shy, calm, oh-so-nice lass you seem to think I am.
I'm quiet when I'm thinking. I smile when I need to. I'm very rarely calm, if at all, no matter how I look. I'm nice, sure, but that's only one facet of this frantic jewel.

I'm also a seething madman with a rabid id, a psychotic superego, and a rather unnerving case of MPD as a result.
I also have a mind full of blood and knives and teeth and shadows that move and nightmares.
I scare myself to death on a daily basis, practically.



Do you have any idea how much I'm hiding from the world?
Do you have any idea how much of me you don't know?
Do you have any idea how much of me you will never know?
Do you have any idea who I am at all?


"We both need to stand down and lower our defenses, we both need to let go of the instinct to hide from each other, and we both need to let ourselves be as comfortable with each other's presence as we are with each other's voice and typing."

When the hell was I ever comfortable with your voice? When was I ever comfortable with your words?
I'm freaking terrified of MYSELF. I'm not going to be comfortable with anyone else.
Why do you think I take so long to read and reply to your notes? Your journal entries? Your comments? What do you think when I don't, that I'm busy?
Why else do you think I have 8 online journals? For fun? As a cute little quirk? No. I'm hiding these thoughts-- it's just that you keep finding the darn things. I don't expect you to read this anytime soon.
Why else do you think I've been missing so many Skype conversations? It's on purpose, damn it! I need some freaking freedom here, some distance, some disconnection... having to talk to you for hours twice a week begins to burn my mind rather quickly. I can't have so much connection at once.
You want connections, connections, connections... and meanwhile I'm just glad that I only have one puppetstring per soul.
Meanwhile I'm looking for escape routes.

I'm absolutely terrified.
Stand down? Defenses down?
Do you have any idea why they're even up?

There was a joke I heard a few years ago.
"Am I on heavy drugs, or should I be?"
Take a look at me.
I have the exact sort of bizarre personality to get hooked on drugs if I wasn't so damn terrified of my mind.
I will never drink, I will never do drugs, I will never do anything mind-altering because my mind is a madman and I am literally scared to death of it.
I am scared of my own head.
If it ever became intoxicated or altered to the point where I had diminished, little, or no control over it... God help me. I have no idea what would happen, and I'm scared to think about it.

I am an empath.
Extreme empaths are the most frightening and dangerous people on the entire planet.
Do you know why?
An empath can sympathize and feel the pain of virtually anyone... an empath can put their own souls in the place of another and understand their situation to the point where they make it their own.
An empath can sympathize with the amount of good in a person, no matter how bad the person may be... but the most dangerous and most powerful empaths look at everything and still try to find power to empathize. An extreme empath will look at a serial killer, see the potential for good that he has, understand the evils he has done, and will try to understand his motivations and his past and his present and his thoughts and exactly what makes this guy tick... and once they do, once they understand this soul to the best of their ability, then they can truly empathize... because they have truly been in this man's shoes.
Those empaths are dangerous because their potential for evil is just as strong as their potential for good.
They usually live good lives, righteous lives... but they understand the wrong, and it drives them mad, and they have to be extremely careful lest it get the best of them.


"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster,
And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."


Friedrich Nietzsche spoke terribly true.


I am scared to death of my darker potential.
I am scared to death of the other side of me.
I am scared to death of what my shadow can do.
I am scared to death of the monster that has been born in my mind.
I am scared to death because I have felt the eyes of the abyss burning in my mind even as my eyes burned into its own.

I am scared to death of myself.
I don't know what to do.


I pray. I try to live my best, but life is hard.
I need to follow Justice's example and try a heck of a lot harder...


It's partly to protect you, yes, that I stay so disconnected.
The other part is personal preference.

Deadly mix.


Anyhow. We're off topic.


I can be blunt and somewhat nasty and vicious if I try... It's cruelly easy. I just let go and let Laurie's influence work.

But I feel so selfish.
It's not me.

I'm afraid this is going to sting like acid on a bullet wound.
I'm afraid this is going to shake you and scare you and worry you.

But most of all
I'm afraid that you're just going to smile
And tell me that 'you love me'
And say that it doesn't matter
And say that you are going to try to change me
So everything works all fine and dandy.


Let me tell you something.
I have tried to change people.
It can happen, sure.
But sometimes people don't want to change.
Sometimes, if you change people, you don't change them for the better...
...you destroy who they are.

Some people just want to be a certain way.
And even if they don't want to be that way
Some people cannot be changed the way you want them to be
Because what you're trying to change is too deep to alter without catastrophic results.

I'm afraid I may be one of those people.


It scares me when people say 'they'll love me no matter what.'
You're not the only one to say that.

And it scares me because then I know
That no matter how many demons try to eat me alive
No matter how many shadows stare into my soul
No matter how many monsters take up residence in my mind
No matter how many faults I have
You'll just smile and say 'I love you anyway'
You'll look past the pain
You'll look past the tears
You'll look past the scars
You'll look past the madness
And you'll ignore every fault
Because 'you love me for me'
Nothing will ever change that, you say


And I can only stand here in shock
Furious and hurt and broken and terrified
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Can't you see how badly I'm suffering?
Can't you see how badly I need someone to acknowledge this?
I just need someone to tell me that yes, I am crazy
To tell me that yes, I am broken
To tell me that yes, I am losing my mind
To tell me that yes, I am a maniac
And then actually do something about it
I need someone to acknowledge the fact that I am a monster
Tell me that I do have faults
Tell me that I do make mistakes
Tell me that I do need to improve
I need someone to tell me that I'm seriously screwing up my life
And then help me to fix it
Without the slightest bit of sugarcoating
And not try to murder what is still a part of me

That's why you and I cannot work as you want us to.



I like what I have.
I'm happy with what I have.

I just don't know if anyone else is.



We were good as close friends.
And yes, I love you.
But now I'm starting to feel smothered.
Now I'm running for the back exit.

But how am I supposed to tell you that without breaking you?

I get massively severe guilt trips, and I'd never forgive myself for giving you that much pain. I'd do the same with anyone else, honest.

Huh.

I guess the only thing I can do is hope you don't find this for a long time.






When the joker tried to tell me
I could cut it in this rube town
When he tried to hang that sign on me
I said 'Take it down'
When the dawn patrol got to tell you twice
They're gonna do it with a shotgun
Yes, I'm cashing in this ten-cent life
For another one


Well, I ain't got the heart
To lose another fight
So until my ship comes in
I'll live night by night


Well, I don't really care
If it's wrong or if it's right
But until my ship comes in
I'll live night by night    

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON)



Hey there.
You're supposed to be writing a report, you moron.
I know. Just felt like saying hello to you, though.
Don't know why the heck you'd do that. I've been hijacking your consciousness all month. Would've thought you'd have had enough of me by now.
Nope. I miss you when you're not around and yelling at me.
Sheesh you're a headcase. Now write your bloody report.
I will, I will. Give me a minute.
A minute turns to ten minutes in a second with you.
Wait, what?
Never mind.
No, really. That was brilliant.
Glad you think so. But seriously, write that freaking thing. You only have an hour tops before you're going to collapse from fatigue. That's been happening a lot recently.
I know, I know. Mostly because of Rorschach lately.
Good heavens, I swear you are obsessed with that man.
Not obsessed. Just addicted.
Right. I remember when you were like this with Grievous and Davy Jones.
Why does everyone always bring them up?
Because Grievous was part of your daily life for several months in 2005, and you ended up openly admitting that you loved that squidman back in 2006. That's why.
Oh. Good reasons.
Sure are. And Chaos goes without saying.
A-haha, yeah. We'll keep that quiet for now.
Yeah, otherwise we'll get into a whole rant and you'll end up pulling a Johnny-nighter again.
A what?
A Johnny-nighter. Where you stay on the computer until 8AM the next morning doing work, and inevitably end up writing at least 2 journal entries and thinking largely about JTHM during that time.
Good heavens, where are you getting all these terms from?
The ice machine.
Oh. Okay.
It knows things.
You know, I think the both of us need sleep.
Geez, you moron, I'm just joking around. Evil never sleeps, and neither do I.
Aha, you're quoting Rorschach! Wasn't that in a fanfic, though? A good one?
Hell if I know. I'm just trying to keep you awake.
Oh. Yeah. Hey, guess what?
What now?
I'm totally screwed come August.
Why, the trip?
Yeah. Jacob's planning far too much. I wish I wasn't so antisocial and serious, because that really upsets people, y'know? They all want to do stuff and I just want to keep to myself. Maybe talk about something interesting for a bit but that's all. I just... don't want this trip to happen.
You're very mental.
In both senses, yes.
Haha, that is true. But honestly, why are you worrying about this now? I mean, besides the fact that the day is bearing down on you like a freight train.
A freight train full of spike grenades.
Sounds painful.
It is.
What, do you still want them to cancel the visit?
I can't do that. He's looking forward to it too much, and I need to learn to stop being selfish about those things. Just because I don't want something doesn't mean life's going to agree with me on that point.
Hey-- but are we really talking selfishness, or are we going back to the infamous compromise issue?
Ah... you know what, probably the compromise issue.
I find it funny how both Rorschach and Johnny gave you the same bloody advice.
That's because I need it.
Like a hole in the head.
Paradoxically, yes.
I love killing cliches.
Amen.
But yeah, I think it's just that. You're afraid that by allowing this all to happen, you're going to have no other choice but to change your literal personality just to get through it all.
The infamous aura chameleon.
Maybe you are a Crystal, I don't know. We need to go see.
Yeah, someday. Right now, though, I'm more worried about whether or not I'm going to make it through those three days intact. I'm afraid I'm either going to lose something, kill something, or both concerning either of us.
Hmm. Yeah, that's serious stuff.
Tell be about it. Hey, I never heard the full version of the Pikachu remix before.
What the-- oh, the song on WMA right now. Geez, you shocked me.
Sorry. I've never listened to this whole thing before, though. Apparently they sync the English Pokerap into the last minute or so. It's hilariously fun to listen to.
Well, I guess I can thank Newgrounds for that.
Yeah, you can. Geez, I can't believe I found that website when I was 11, haha. Not good for my mental health.
No kidding. Let's get back on topic, though. It's getting late.It's getting early.
Aw, who the heck cares what it's getting. You should be in bed regardless.
One day I'm going to wander in there and there's going to be a note on my pillow saying "BeHinD you"--
Heh, yeah, and then you're going to be in deep trouble.
He'll probably throw my Pokemon plushies at my head or something. "Class tomorrow. I checked. No sleep. Very bad."
I would pay him to do that.
Do it.
Fine. Don't cry when he keeps you up until 4AM, then.
I won't. We'll stay up talking about random stuffs and we'll eat sugar cubes because we can.
Yeah, that'll keep you awake for sure. Hey-- where's that freaking report?
What? Oh, yeah...
Yeah, the report. What did I tell you about the ten minutes, huh? It's 1:14 AM, for the love of sanity. Get finished.
I will, I will. Sorry, Laur... I just really wanted to talk to you tonight.
Oh, that's okay. I just don't want you losing all this sleep again. Very bad.
I'm going to be laughing about that for days.
Good. Now go to sleep before the sugar cubes wear off.
All right, all right!
Report first.
Yeah, can't forget that, Thanks, Laurie.
Anytime.
Oh-- oh geez, look at the entry title...
A-ha haa! Brilliant! How the heck did you do that?
I didn't! I just wrote it there as a topic because that was the last scene I read over, and then you made that joke and...
And it all just fit together perfectly.
Yeah!
Geez,
that was pretty epic, though.
Darn straight.
Damn straight.
Same thing.
No, mine is missing an 'r.'
There's an extra in Rorschach's signature.
You steal that 'r' and you're going to have more than a Celebi plushie thrown at your head.
Like butcher knives.
That's Barry's job, you idiot.
I miss him too.
Well that settles it.
What?
You obviously need sleep.
Yeah, that's true. Well, good night, Laurie.
Good night. And finish that report.
I will.
Good.
Um... are you really going to pay him to do that? Just so I know what to watch for.
Kid, I won't pay him a cent until that report is finished.
All right, I hear you!
You going to leave now, then?
Yeah... I just need a good closing line.
How about we just call it quits and see how that works?
It should work fine, actually.
  

 

 

I asked myself a question last week.

"What makes me the happiest?"

I actually got an answer this time.


The answer is...
Living as a good person
and going back to the good old days.

The 'good old days.' Those diamond days back at the beginning of the millenium, when I was still a child. Oh they were beautiful years.
I can never truly go back, as it's almost a decade later, but that's okay.
However... if I could take those moments and bring them into my life now, however different it is, that would be perfect.


What's odd, though... is that I've also realized that there are some things I need to let go of and some things that I need to find again.
I've been in a severe funk lately, but I'm slowly getting myself out of it.
I invited Nightcrawler back into my headgang after 5 years. I met Rorschach (who's name is incredibly fun to type) just recently, and he's now a major member as well.
I've started talking to Davy and Barry and Grievous and everyone again as well.
I've been thinking about all my old Dream World friends a lot recently.

Now, I just need to get back to typing and drawing and this will be fantastic.

Oh, yeah... and I'm also trying to get back to my best behavior. Laurie's been jolting into my consciousness recently, which is actually a good thing because she keeps me under control... but it's bad that she has to show up. She only shows up when I make a huge mistake or stop being true to myself.

So I'm trying very hard to be 'me' again. I know who I am... I just need to try harder.


And now I have Italian homework to finish and work in 20 minutes so I'm going to wish you all well and call it quits.



Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?