in december

So I'm going through System information posts for the sake of getting our heart back online, and I came across the old "birthday/ anniversary" list.


LYNNE = RESURRECTED: December 1st 2008??
KERRY = December 3rd 2002
RESET ATTEMPT? December 5th 2013
LEON = RESURRECTED: December 8th, 2010
EROS  (REDLIGHT)= December 9th 2011
DREAD= December 10th 2013?
NATHANIEL = December 15th 2008 (resurrected by then)
CHAOS= December 2003?
TIGERLILY= December 27th 2014?
JAVIER = December 27th 2013 (resurrected)
THE MASSACRE WAS ON DECEMBER 28th 2013



So today, as awful as it was, is actually the 15th anniversary of Leon coming back to us.
...that actually makes my heart incredibly happy. I treasure Leon; he's such a gem in our System. I'm so grateful for his existence and continued presence with us. He means a lot to me, and to the rest of us as well. So, happy resurrection-day to our Indigo boy. We love you man. Thanks for being you.

Tomorrow is apparently Eros's old birthday, the Core one apparently, which is bittersweet and not without a significant amount of apprehension. The Eros bloodline was effectively murdered by the events of CNC. But... they were beautiful, at heart they truly were. They felt genuine love in a color that no one else can touch right now and haven't in years.
The thought of their bloodline coming back is both terrifying and hopeful. I'm not sure which is better. Only God knows. But we have too much trauma to remember and process and heal before that can even begin to happen.
Still. It's something important to think about tomorrow. I'd like to journal about it, raw and honest, but with how insanely packed our schedule is (literally on the road from 6am to 7pm, no joke) any typing wouldn't get to happen until like 9pm. Still, that's ideal, and we might even need it after the rush of the day. We'll see. I'll strive to do it.

Tuesday is Dread's birthday. I haven't seen him in ages; he probably also died in CNC, due to his appearance being corrupted and his function being overridden so many times.

Some more anniversaries:

DEC. 16 2010 = "LUCKY SEVENS" XANGA (Leon's debut)
It ALSO had THIS exchange which I FORGOT about:
I think Spine is Patience.
What? Spine? I thought she was negative!
Only because she applies to my self-image. But, considering the battle we've been fighting concerning that, I think Patience is a fitting virtue for her.
Huh. That is interesting.
I know. So I'm going to see if I can find her and talk to her soon, and maybe get her on our side. She's never really seemed to be 'affiliated' with anyone, but considering what Laurie said earlier... allies are allies.
Who's Spine?
Spine is this... really weird looking creature that's up here with us. I've never really called her a 'headvoice' because she's never actively spoken to anyone, but she is definitely around, and she definitely has an important influence on me regardless.
Wait, Spine isn't humanoid?
She is, but only in shape. She looks like a monster or demon more than anything... but she's all skeleton. There isn't an ounce of skin on her.
I've seen her. She's seriously creepy. You sure you can get her to sympathize with us?
Considering the fact that Julie doesn't care whether anyone but herself benefits from her actions? Sure. Remember, we all bleed together, and I'm sure Spine is feeling more than she lets on, what with her inexplicable connection to my physical self.

oh my gosh December 9th 2010 was the day I BOUGHT VAHRAM on Aywas.
I miss him dearly. Part of me misses that site in general. But we can't go back. We cut our ties hard and it's impossible to go back.
But the heart of it, the soul of our experience there, is going to the League now. That's better than anything we could do elsewise.

December 23rd 2011 had TWO of the best Xanga sessions ever, "Your Heart's A Mess" AND "Rainbows and Waterfalls."
That month, browsing through it, is... terrible and beautiful both. I'll need to sit and read it through in proper order, in earnest, soon. Something tells me it's important to recall, because every December brings with it the infamous "love vs hate" war, with "relationships are stupid" vs "I love him with my entire heart" as the Cores are effectively beaten up bloody by the kakofoni. It always happens and THAT'S why we NEED to deal with the trauma of CNC and everything before it too because THIS NEEDS TO STOP. Shockingly, I can say with total confidence that it IS stopping, thanks to Anxi, which is something NO ONE could have EVER expected or even guessed. But her presence in our soulspace, and the genuine love I cannot deny that I feel for her, is actually preventing a total heart shutdown this month. Oh the hateful 'foni are trying, believe me. But I won't let them.

December 8th 2011 was a terrifying day, as it was when I effectively "stumbled across" information that was deeply traumatic and which STILL haunts me. 

and oh man SO MUCH apparently happens in 2012-2014 but I have to go switch cars with the mother immediately so we can actually get to all our appointments tomorrow. I don't want to leave this unfinished but I've gotta run. I'll continue this later.