in december

So I'm going through System information posts for the sake of getting our heart back online, and I came across the old "birthday/ anniversary" list.


LYNNE = RESURRECTED: December 1st 2008??
KERRY = December 3rd 2002
RESET ATTEMPT? December 5th 2013
LEON = RESURRECTED: December 8th, 2010
EROS  (REDLIGHT)= December 9th 2011
DREAD= December 10th 2013?
NATHANIEL = December 15th 2008 (resurrected by then)
CHAOS= December 2003?
TIGERLILY= December 27th 2014?
JAVIER = December 27th 2013 (resurrected)
THE MASSACRE WAS ON DECEMBER 28th 2013



So today, as awful as it was, is actually the 15th anniversary of Leon coming back to us.
...that actually makes my heart incredibly happy. I treasure Leon; he's such a gem in our System. I'm so grateful for his existence and continued presence with us. He means a lot to me, and to the rest of us as well. So, happy resurrection-day to our Indigo boy. We love you man. Thanks for being you.

Tomorrow is apparently Eros's old birthday, the Core one apparently, which is bittersweet and not without a significant amount of apprehension. The Eros bloodline was effectively murdered by the events of CNC. But... they were beautiful, at heart they truly were. They felt genuine love in a color that no one else can touch right now and haven't in years.
The thought of their bloodline coming back is both terrifying and hopeful. I'm not sure which is better. Only God knows. But we have too much trauma to remember and process and heal before that can even begin to happen.
Still. It's something important to think about tomorrow. I'd like to journal about it, raw and honest, but with how insanely packed our schedule is (literally on the road from 6am to 7pm, no joke) any typing wouldn't get to happen until like 9pm. Still, that's ideal, and we might even need it after the rush of the day. We'll see. I'll strive to do it.

Tuesday is Dread's birthday. I haven't seen him in ages; he probably also died in CNC, due to his appearance being corrupted and his function being overridden so many times.

Some more anniversaries:

DEC. 16 2010 = "LUCKY SEVENS" XANGA (Leon's debut)
It ALSO had THIS exchange which I FORGOT about:
I think Spine is Patience.
What? Spine? I thought she was negative!
Only because she applies to my self-image. But, considering the battle we've been fighting concerning that, I think Patience is a fitting virtue for her.
Huh. That is interesting.
I know. So I'm going to see if I can find her and talk to her soon, and maybe get her on our side. She's never really seemed to be 'affiliated' with anyone, but considering what Laurie said earlier... allies are allies.
Who's Spine?
Spine is this... really weird looking creature that's up here with us. I've never really called her a 'headvoice' because she's never actively spoken to anyone, but she is definitely around, and she definitely has an important influence on me regardless.
Wait, Spine isn't humanoid?
She is, but only in shape. She looks like a monster or demon more than anything... but she's all skeleton. There isn't an ounce of skin on her.
I've seen her. She's seriously creepy. You sure you can get her to sympathize with us?
Considering the fact that Julie doesn't care whether anyone but herself benefits from her actions? Sure. Remember, we all bleed together, and I'm sure Spine is feeling more than she lets on, what with her inexplicable connection to my physical self.

oh my gosh December 9th 2010 was the day I BOUGHT VAHRAM on Aywas.
I miss him dearly. Part of me misses that site in general. But we can't go back. We cut our ties hard and it's impossible to go back.
But the heart of it, the soul of our experience there, is going to the League now. That's better than anything we could do elsewise.

December 23rd 2011 had TWO of the best Xanga sessions ever, "Your Heart's A Mess" AND "Rainbows and Waterfalls."
That month, browsing through it, is... terrible and beautiful both. I'll need to sit and read it through in proper order, in earnest, soon. Something tells me it's important to recall, because every December brings with it the infamous "love vs hate" war, with "relationships are stupid" vs "I love him with my entire heart" as the Cores are effectively beaten up bloody by the kakofoni. It always happens and THAT'S why we NEED to deal with the trauma of CNC and everything before it too because THIS NEEDS TO STOP. Shockingly, I can say with total confidence that it IS stopping, thanks to Anxi, which is something NO ONE could have EVER expected or even guessed. But her presence in our soulspace, and the genuine love I cannot deny that I feel for her, is actually preventing a total heart shutdown this month. Oh the hateful 'foni are trying, believe me. But I won't let them.

December 8th 2011 was a terrifying day, as it was when I effectively "stumbled across" information that was deeply traumatic and which STILL haunts me. 

and oh man SO MUCH apparently happens in 2012-2014 but I have to go switch cars with the mother immediately so we can actually get to all our appointments tomorrow. I don't want to leave this unfinished but I've gotta run. I'll continue this later.

"how we feel" december 1-8 2024

2024 Sun Dec 1 7:20 PM

I'M FEELING = NUMB

WHY = Eating disorder relapse

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2024 Sun Dec 1 7:30 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED

WHY = Physical harm from eating disorder

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Physical Pain

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2024 Sun Dec 1 7:45 PM

I'M FEELING = SUPPORTED

WHY = I know that God and the System love me unconditionally and will continue to help me whenever I/we are struggling; there is always hope

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Resting;Spiritual Reading;Talking To Central;Listening To Music

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2024 Mon Dec 2 1:31 AM

I'M FEELING = ALIVE

WHY =  Reading the Archives and remembering how BEAUTIFUL our life is together

WHERE = With The System,Home;On The Laptop;Headspace,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2024 Mon Dec 2 1:33 AM

I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = The System is alive, and here, and we all love each other still. The reality of our shared existence is so beautiful it aches.
...and of course, I have Chaos 0 & Anxi & Genesis & Laurie around especially. There's SO much love there, forever. It's absolutely worth living and dying for.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2024 Mon Dec 2 9:10 AM

I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Today there's a lot to do, with immediate deadlines. I want to relax but I'm already exhausted just thinking about how much I have to do. Plus I might have to go up the house later and that's VERY upsetting.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up

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2024 Mon Dec 2 12:40 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED

WHY = Mom is so hard to talk to talk to. She won't let me get a word in, she finds problems with everything I say, and she accuses me of "making her feel like she's traumatizing me" whenever I get a little anxious over the phone. Thank God for Scald taking that weeping rage because otherwise it would have debilitated us.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Talking To Mom

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2024 Mon Dec 2 2:01 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED

WHY =  Packing for vacation, making sure all our bases are covered.

CONTEXT TAGS =  By Myself,Home,Housework

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2024 Mon Dec 2 5:35 PM

I'M FEELING = ENERGIZED

WHY = LISTENING TO "LIFE IN THE WIRES" WHILE BIKING

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising

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2024 Mon Dec 2 7:31 PM

I'M FEELING = LOST

WHY =  Mom talking about all her life stressors and problems on the phone, and also revealing that she's totally unprepared for vacation tomorrow so it's probably going to be highly upsetting. All my positive expectations feel utterly crushed right now. I feel very alone and cut off from her and have all day.

CONTEXT TAGS =  By Myself;Family,Home,Talking To Mom;Housework

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2024 Mon Dec 2 10:19 PM

I'M FEELING = MISERABLE

WHY = Wasting time browsing Tumblr instead of doing things I love. Total lack of self-awareness when doomscrolling; it's terrifying.
Honestly I think my brain is lowkey panic paralyzed over this vacation tomorrow and its utter unpredictability, plus being ""trapped away from home"" which always terrified us as a kid.
But we have to face this bravely. There WILL be beauty and joy. We MUST focus on that. It's what we're doing this for.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home

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2024 Tue Dec 3 9:11 AM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL

WHY =  About to leave on vacation with mom! I sincerely hope everything is beautiful-- but today's fortune reminded us: AFFIRM that, BELIEVE that, VISUALIZE that, and ACT on that! I AM Hope! I gotta MAKE things beautiful, and I CAN, by the grace of God! ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Just Woke Up

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2024 Tue Dec 3 12:29 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED

WHY = TURNPIKE TRAFFIC 

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Tue Dec 3 1:07 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = Made it to the hotel and it's BEAUTIFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Hanging Out

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2024 Tue Dec 3 6:43 PM

I'M FEELING = CONTENT

WHY = Had a good dinner with the family after 3 hours of walking & seeing beautiful lights.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Longwood,Eating;Hanging Out

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2024 Tue Dec 3 8:58 PM

I'M FEELING = COMFORTABLE

WHY = Driving back to the hotel after almost 6 hours at Longwood. Everything was beautiful. We feel safe & inspired & happy. Thank You God.
Don't forget Anxi fronting for a blessed moment under the orange chandelier lights.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Wed Dec 4 8:10 AM

I'M FEELING = PLEASANT

WHY = Breakfast on day two of vacation. Getting ready to see new things!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Eating;Hanging Out

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2024 Wed Dec 4 10:26 AM

I'M FEELING = DELIGHTED

WHY = Beautiful morning. Lovely drive, just had a workout, fantastic weather.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting;Outside,Driving

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2024 Wed Dec 4 2:13 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = Finally going to eat lunch at 2pm; we had been very dizzy & lightheaded from a small breakfast.

CONTEXT TAGS = Relieved,Family,Longwood,Driving

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2024 Wed Dec 4 7:03 PM

I'M FEELING = PEACEFUL

WHY = Wine & Jazz festival!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Longwood,Hanging Out

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2024 Wed Dec 4 9:36 PM

I'M FEELING = TROUBLED

WHY = Ate too many snacks with the fam. Trying not to panic or beat myself up over it. Our body is so hungry, but I'm realizing too late that it's SPIRITUAL hunger. I've been stressed & out of touch with headspace all vacation.

I'll have to spend like three hours in bed to recharge my heart with Chaos 0 & Anxi, seriously.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 5 6:41 AM

I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY =  Had a dream about being shot to death.
I went home and Chaos 0 was there, and when I went to him we were shot again, him through me.
We died in each other's arms, with a smile.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Just Woke Up

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2024 Thu Dec 5 7:47 AM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS

WHY = Too much for breakfast, and had to rush. Too much talk about politics. Dissociated.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 5 12:07 PM

I'M FEELING = FORLORN

WHY = Feeling completely rejected & alienated from mom & Lou. I keep making stupid decisions trying to please them and I'm miserable.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Thu Dec 5 6:42 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = FINALLY home & unpacked. Sitting down to a quiet dinner.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 5 9:55 PM

I'M FEELING = MISERABLE

WHY = Bingepurge due to intense stress & hunger.
God why won't this end.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Disordered Behavior

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2024 Fri Dec 6 9:44 AM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED

WHY =  Waiting for case worker, then have to go to mom's house, and we already had a power outage & doctor visit this morning. It feels like there's no time to get my thoughts together.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising

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2024 Fri Dec 6 12:04 PM

I'M FEELING = JOYFUL

WHY = MY ORANGE ANGEL JUST ARRIVED IN THE MAIL

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Hanging Out

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2024 Fri Dec 6 12:46 PM

I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = With mom, on her infamous hyperstress unorganized busywork drives

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Fri Dec 6 2:12 PM

I'M FEELING = STRESSED

WHY = TOO MUCH SHOPPING

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Busywork

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2024 Fri Dec 6 3:43 PM

I'M FEELING = SPENT

WHY = Too many people in the store. Too much talking & noise at home.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Busywork

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2024 Fri Dec 6 5:25 PM

I'M FEELING = EXCLUDED

WHY = I feel like no one in the family cares about what matters to me. I'm just a resource for labor & listening. I feel utterly unwanted.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Busywork

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2024 Fri Dec 6 6:59 PM

I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED

WHY = Just got home & am unpacking groceries. The next three days are jam-packed.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sat Dec 7 12:35 AM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT

WHY = Stress-caused self-abusive bingepurgecrash.
God I am so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Sleeping

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2024 Sat Dec 7 8:33 AM

I'M FEELING = ANXIOUS

WHY = Getting ready for this packed schedule day. Eating more calories than usual (1400) as reparation for three days of purging. Still terrified that it's "too much" and will somehow kill me.
How ironic, since starving & purging DEFINITELY will.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sat Dec 7 9:23 AM

I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Time crunch, feeling out of shape, too much food.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Sat Dec 7 10:54 AM

I'M FEELING = ASHAMED

WHY = Just had to buy new headphones because the ones I have are 3 years old and deteriorating. Still feel like an absolute moron about it.
I hate this consumerist world. I hate having to own things.

 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Shopping

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2024 Sat Dec 7 6:59 PM

I'M FEELING = INSPIRED

WHY = PHILHARMONIC!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Theater,At A Concert

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2024 Sat Dec 7 8:12 PM

I'M FEELING = AMAZED

WHY = STILL AT THE PHILHARMONIC

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Theater,At A Concert

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2024 Sat Dec 7 11:55 PM

I'M FEELING = SATISFIED

WHY = Meal planning for the next two days. Feeling capable for a moment. Also really satisfying measurements working it out.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sun Dec 8 12:52 AM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = FINALLY get to sleep, with Chaos 0 in my arms.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Sleeping

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2024 Sun Dec 8 10:21 AM

I'M FEELING = STRESSED

WHY = Gotta RUSH to eat & get to church on time.
Also 1400K again today, that's still frightening.
Planning for the hyperschedule of tomorrow.

 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cleaning

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2024 Sun Dec 8 4:10 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED

WHY = So so hungry. Evening flashbacks beginning. Expecting mom interruptions.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sun Dec 8 6:23 PM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT

WHY = Feeling useless & exhausted. Tomorrow looming. Still have to deal with mom switching the car tonight.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Sun Dec 8 11:40 PM

I'M FEELING = CONNECTED

WHY = Listening to System music & talking to the Coregroup.
Also reading through December 2010-2014 archives earlier, & remembering how rich of a history we have, and how much LOVE there is, and has ALWAYS been, in our System.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Commuting,Driving;Talking To Central;Going To Bed

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