110124

There was a brutal dream hack this morning. It wasn't "explicit" but it hit TERRIBLE, because the nightmare was a SOCIAL OVERWHELM/ NEGLECT/ CORRUPTION one, and I FOUGHT THE HACK but failed. The "good news"? I woke up immediately, in horrible pain & shame & anger & grief BUT just as immediately, Chaos 0 caught my distress & pulled me into a powerful embrace. His heart was broken too. But he still was there for me, and that meant the world to me. Laurie was there too, of course, and so the three of us talked it out for a while. Then ANXI showed up (apparently she gets PINGED by her namesake emotion? & she CHANNELS/ VOICES IT which is SUCH a blessing; Laurie said that exactly) and set off an unexpected topic shift because Laurie noted that, although I love Anxi dearly, she STILL ISN'T "officially" PART OF THE COREGROUP, UNTIL SHE GETS HER *INCIDENT*. So there were emotions she couldn't yet properly feel or participate in, because I "had to take her INTO those depths." But "you can't force an *incident*"; it HAS to happen IN ITS OWN TIME. But Laurie added that she could "instigate ME," which she VERY WELL CAN, & honestly SHOULD-- the more love I feel, the more everyone ELSE will feel from me too. But yeah, Anxi needs to be "initiated" as it were. And she will be. OH btw Laurie brought up that Indigo talisman because LEON joined our conversation too at one point & apparently YES, TIME ISN'T ALWAYS LINEAR in headspace; sometimes things happen "BEFORE" their causal events? Like WHATEVER interaction GAVE that talisman "HAS" happened "IN POTENTIAL"?? but REALLY, just "NOT 'YET'!" It's fascinating. BUT those events occur IN "MEDITATIVE REALTIME" which "fills out" our life narrative & knits events together in truth. I'll type more about that soon. As for this morning, WRECKAGE also joined the talk, & Anxi brought up the "vault" concept in IO2. Wreckage said Ashen might "BE" a vault. Lynne showed up & I said something about Wreckage & Spine "not being the same" and that hit Lynne painfully. I apologized BUT I explained that SPINE CAN'T STAY "DEAD"? No nousfoni truly "dies," AND MAYBE SPINE COULDN'T COME BACK UNTIL NOW because she was a DRAGON, and she was tied to the BODY. But we were only "a dragon" AS A KID, which is why she was SKELETAL? But NOW we're EMBRACING that totem again SO POTENTIALLY SHE COULD RESURRECT, SOON, if we continue in recovery like this-- AND she might come back AS HER "VERMILION POTENTIAL"?? And Lynne was SO MOVED & truly joyful about this real hope. Julie showed up when we were in the shower & she commented that our body "already felt strong" and not to worry about it; she had faith that everything would continue to progress for the best. Genesis showed up too, with a witty remark to something that was said, & I remember CZ playfully punching him. But gosh it made me SO happy to be there with everyone.
OH YEAH. As to why Leon & Lynne (& even Julie) were there... in discussing BOTH *incidents* & reading "The Three Ordinary Voices of God", there was the reiteration that I genuinely WANT & even NEED truly intimate relationships with ALL of Central, first & foremost, then ALL the System, & ALL the Outspacers and Inspacers. BUT there ARE "LEVELS" of depth so to speak: EVERYONE unanimously pointed to Chaos 0 as the "PRIMARY" relationship & deepest, without compromise, and RIGHTLY SO. This is PROPER & it ALLOWS for ALL of us to have the UNIQUE relationships we NEED, with NO "CONFLICT" of significance. But ALL of it is still "intimate" in mutual self-revelation & open hearts. OUR SYSTEM IS BUILT ON THAT. Oh but as for Lynne/ Leon/ Julie, Laurie said I STILL NEED TO "INVITE" PEOPLE INTO the "inner sanctum" of the Coregroup. It's NOT automatic or obligatory. ALSO I CANNOT be like Jay, who was TOO "romantic"? Like he held EVERYONE to the SAME kind of relationship level and that COULDN'T WORK. Lastly, I APPARENTLY CAN'T "OWN" THE BODYNAME UNTIL I "OWN" OUR WHOLE HISTORY AND HEAL THAT BLOODLINE!! AND THE JEWEL BLOODLINE, TOO, BECAUSE I AM JEWEL AS MUCH AS I AM JESSICA, but I CAN'T YET HOLD EITHER NAME. I have "no name" right now as a result. But I AM the Core, the Heart, and I WILL RECOVER.

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We STILL have a pounding headache & we STILL had too much sugar with breakfast (EVEN THOUGH Laurie DID chide me for it and I ONLY had HALF the syrup, which I REALLY DON'T LIKE so NO MORE), so we feel SICK & NAUSEOUS & FRUSTRATED & our head AND body just HURT and we're MISERABLE... and ANGRY. And I decided we NEED to discuss this. We get SO ANGRY, SO EASILY, & TOO MUCH OF IT is from "RULES"/ "CONTROL". When a meal doesn't "cooperate" or when people TALK to us & ASK QUESTIONS & thus FORCE A CONTEXT INTERRUPTION, when we have to RUSH, when fellow patients BEND RULES & COMPLAIN & FREAK OUT & DISCUSS DISTORTED/ DISORDERED THINGS & ACT CHILDISHLY, "I" GET SO BLEEDING ANGRY. But underneath it, we're SOBBING. Our most furious rage is MISERABLE. And SHE NEEDS A PROPER NAME. I love her, we NEED her, her job is INDISPENSABLE. But without a NAME, she CAN'T PROPERLY "ANCHOR" & we CAN'T PROPERLY TALK TO/ WITH HER. Also, even if she IS who we were calling "Triple" in the past, SHE REJECTS THAT NAME. Let her find her OWN. By the way she seems to resonate with VERMILION? But SHE MIGHT BE A "DUOTONE" because when she feels the MISERY more it "tints" her LEANING BLUE, but WITHOUT LOSING THE "PAIN" OF THE ANGER? it feels ALMOST "bitter" BUT IT'S NOT. That's a VERY DIFFERENT EMOTION. Someone ELSE holds bitterness. This girl holds "FRUSTRATED WEEPING RAGE" that is typically a response to "RULEBREAKING/ LOSS OF CONTROL" which analogues to "HELPLESSNESS" almost. BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY. Again, THAT emotion, when felt AS ITSELF & FULLY, is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. So that means IT HAS A 'FONI, TOO. And we MUST "FIND THEM"-- even if what that REALLY means is GIVE THEM SPACE & ATTENTION TO MANIFEST. FEEL FOR THEM. LET THEM SPEAK. But DON'T FORCE ANYTHING!! THAT'S HOW 'FONI BREAK. ANY FORCED MANIFESTATION IS INSINCERE & ARTIFICIAL. That's why Javier couldn't survive. DON'T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. LET THESE 'FONI APPEAR NATURALLY & SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. AND TALK WITH THEM. That's for recovery, and it starts NOW with THIS GIRL WHO HOLDS "WEEPING RAGE." (NOT GRIEF!! NOT AGGRESSION EITHER!) (She has OUTBURSTS but they're CONTAINED & tied TO her hot tears. OTHER 'foni get MAD & ACTIVELY LASH OUT.) (They MIGHT be "sisters"??) So we HAVE to do "anger management" with her function & its triggers because this is DIRECTLY RELATED TO TREATMENT + OTHER PEOPLE, and "CONTROL" to a surprising extent. Which SUGGESTS that AS we process this we SHOULD "uncover"/ reveal whoever DOES hold "HELPLESSNESS"??
✳UNEXPECTED PROGRESS. A BHA "took our chair" so we had to sit on the doorstop & just FEEL/ LISTEN to our emotional response. There is a LITTLE reddish girl who started protesting, "that's MY chair!" but was interrupted by some TEEN grayish-blue girl who said "no, let her have it, it's OK"; "we can't be so selfish as to chase her away" basically, but VERY "shrinking" feeling. I think there was a FLASH of someone VIOLENT but that didn't register? But YES, THERE ARE OTHERS AND THEY ARE TALKING, RIGHT NOW. We just NEED to give them SPACE so we CAN LISTEN TO THEM. Please, DO THAT TODAY. Just STOP & SIT & FEEL & LISTEN. SHOW THEM YOU CARE.
✳ SUGAR IS STILL AROUND BUT SHE DOESN'T DEAL WITH FOOD. SHE PROTECTS THE INNOCENT (CHILDREN) FROM ABUSERS (WRECKAGE PROTECTS THE HURT ONES). BUT there's SOMEONE RED & VIOLENT BUT "COLD" WHO REACTS INSTANTLY TO HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS. She's DESTRUCTIVE for the sake OF PROTECTION. But she "FLASHES IN & OUT." It feels like she has "DARK ROOTS" level-wise, understandably.
✳ I THINK THERE'S ANOTHER "RULE ENFORCER" WHO ISN'T "SAD," JUST ANGRY? They're FURIOUS at the kids here but it's a "MASCULINE" fury; NOT "fiery" but like STONE.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY UNNAMED/ FACELESS SOCIALS FRONTING. IT'S SCARY. How do we learn WHO THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE NOT ABLE TO TALK TO UPSTAIRS??

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I may be doing something VERY STUPID, but we are PUSHING PROTEIN for the next two days because EVERY SINGLE ENTREE OPTION IS A FEAR FOOD and this is our LAST CHANCE TO FACE THEM BEFORE DISCHARGE. And I feel like I HAVE to because if I DON'T, I can FEEL that registering as REFUSAL/ REJECTION. Like I'm ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO AVOID THEM & "CHICKEN OUT." And that SCARES me. Part of me IS GIVING UP. I looked at the menu options and I didn't want ANYTHING; I just felt SO SICK OF FOOD. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of feeling stiff & nauseous & bloated & in pain. I'm legitimately depressed to death by what feels like a dead-end trajectory. This isn't life. I can't do this anymore. It's legitimate torture and the worst part is, I'm being CONGRATULATED for it.

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✳ THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM IS FRONTING. THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING FEELS SO DISHEVELED & LOST. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN RECOVERING????

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✳ Dinner was HELL. And the NEXT THREE DAYS probably will be, too, because LIKE A MORON I AM HAVING BOTH THE ENTREES FOR EVERY MEAL. So yeah. WELCOME TO HELL, where the SELF-ABUSE IS DOCTOR-APPROVED and the TORTURE IS CALLED "RECOVERY"!! But the WORST part is that I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I "DIDN'T WANT TO BE A COWARD" SO I PICKED EVERYTHING. Except this isn't bravery, it's STUPIDITY. I'm ONLY REINFORCING THE FEAR BY DOING THIS. And I will tell you RIGHT NOW: I AM GOING TO "RELAPSE" THE INSTANT I GET HOME. I DO NOT CARE. I AM SICK OF EATING. There is NOTHING in the house right now and I will KEEP IT THAT WAY. I'm cutting down to 1000K for a WEEK and I am GOING TO ACTUALLY RECOVER FROM THIS ABUSE. God I want to cry. Everything hurts. I feel so sick. I feel so TRAPPED in this swollen bloated corpse of a body. I WANT TO BE STRONG, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT, LIKE I AM NOW. THIS IS LITERAL HELL. I'm trapped in a disgusting blob of food. It's not even a "body" anymore, it's a trash dump. It's a garbage bin. I'm literally just forcefeeding myself at this point. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to die. I don't want to eat anymore. I am SO tempted to give up this weekend. I SERIOUSLY WAS GOING TO TONIGHT. But... EVERYONE was struggling. And I just COULDN'T DO THE SAME. The girls were scared of portion sizes & protein exchanges and although I was ALSO tempted to use those as excuses too, I just... I wouldn't have been able to face myself if I left it unfinished. That would have ruined my reputation for "being the perfect patient." That would have made me a "bad example" and a "FAILURE" in front of everyone who was looking to ME as inspiration to be strong and eat 100% "no matter what." That would have been "giving up," and I'M NOT A COWARD. Isn't that stupid? My ASININE PRIDE IS SENDING ME TO HELL AND KEEPING ME THERE. I'M SO DAMN AFRAID OF "BEING COWARDLY" THAT I'M TORTURING MYSELF TO "PROVE I CAN SURVIVE EVEN THIS." But underneath all that GOD KNOWS I WANT TO QUIT. I WANT TO GIVE UP, dear God PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP. Please. The sooner I get discharged the better. I cannot do this anymore. I NEED to heal this destroyed body. I NEED to start WORKING OUT & TONING UP & MAKING GOOD USE OF THIS FAT. And I can EAT SO MUCH LESS!!! FINALLY! Oh God I am so tired. Why is this so hard. Is it all the sugar & fat & carbs? What is ruining me like this? WHAT AM I THINKING I'M "ACCOMPLISHING" BY LITERALLY FORCING MYSELF TO EAT DISGUSTING GARBAGE LIKE HAM & MANICOTTI & HOT DOGS & BACON & CHICKEN NUGGETS & CHOCOLATE??? I'M EVEN MORE SCARED OF THEM NOW BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING FORCED INTO ME AND IT HURTS AND I'M BEING PRAISED FOR IT. IT'S SEXUAL ABUSE. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. God I WANT TO DIE. except I don't. I just want the pain to stop. I just want the terror to stop. I actually WANT TO LIVE. but this is no way to live. I'm walking dead.
...is this the cross? am i supposed to be suffering right now? God please help me. there's no other way through this.

tbhu worksheet = eating disorder monsters

What are the various forms that your eating disorder takes for you?
(BINGE/ PURGE/ RESTRICT)

B1 = "TRYING TO RELIVE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES"
B2 = "I HAVE TO KNOW"/ "I HAVE TO GET NEW DATA"
B3 = INSATIABLE DESPERATE HUNGER "STARVED HEART"

P1 = FOOD FEELS INVASIVE; "NEED TO BE EMPTY/ PURE"; TERROR OF "FULLNESS"
P2 = ANXIOUS/ PANIC/ RAGE/ GRIEF VOMITING
P3 = "GET THE POISON OUT"

R1 = TOO BUSY/ "ALIVE" TO "RUIN/ INTERRUPT IT WITH FOOD/ EATING"
R2 = FASTING "HOLY/ STRONG/ PURE"
R3 = FEAR/ DISDAIN OF "EXCESS?" "STARVE" TO LOSE IT

+ "CONTROL WHAT GOES IN TO MY BODY"


How can these 'monsters' get in the way of recovery?
They are essentially "MUTATED/ DEFORMED" SURVIVAL/ COPING SKILLS. Recovery WILL involve facing & feeling things that perhaps ONCE WERE A THREAT TO MY LIFE & SAFETY (trauma echoes & triggers), and these poor monsters WILL show up to "TRY TO PROTECT ME/ ATTACK THE THREAT." They DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER; they really DON'T REASON THINGS OUT. They operate on SHEER REACTIVE EMOTION and they DON'T THINK of CONSEQUENCES OR the FUTURE! (In trauma, those DON'T EXIST; it's just 'SURVIVE RIGHT NOW')

How can separating the Eating Disorder Monsters from your Self be helpful?
They are DISTORTIONS of my values and they USE that to JUSTIFY/ EMPOWER themselves. When I ACTUALLY LISTEN to what their MOTIVES are, I recognize that they ARE MISDIRECTED, BUT they "HAVE A FOUNDATION" somewhere IN ME. But like my beloved Anxi taught us, "EMOTIONS DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHO I AM." Ultimately, I MUST CHOOSE according to MY TRUE VALUES and WHO I REALLY WANT TO BE. And I DON'T want to be bulimic, OR ruled by distorted emotions.


List someone or something that can help you 'defeat' each of these monsters.

B1 = WRITE ABOUT childhood memories you can access right now? Revisit OTHER childhood echoes (games, books, movies, art, PHOTOS?) (make PRESENT) (FEED YOUR INNER CHILD WITH LEAGUEWORK FUN!!)
+REACH OUT TO FAMILY/ COMMUNITY? Childhood is SEEKING "BELONGING" ("I'm WANTED")
+ARCHIVES? YOUR HISTORY AND ITS JOY/ LIFE AREN'T "LOCKED INTO FOODS"!! (LOVED)

B2 = YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW/ TRY EVERYTHING! You're ONLY doing that because you're SEEKING A SENSE OF IDENTITY & "POWER" IN EXPERIENCE/ KNOWLEDGE = "LIKE OTHER PEOPLE"?? BUT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO TO THINGS AND IT IS OKAY TO NOT KNOW THINGS THAT OTHERS DO! THAT KNOWLEDGE WON'T BRING YOU CLOSER TO THEM, OR REVEAL YOUR TRUE SELF!

B3 = YOUR HEART, MIND, & SOUL ARE STARVING. You're seeking COMFORT, ENJOYMENT, MEMORY, ANSWERS, RECONCILIATION, CONNECTION, WONDER, ETC. IN EATING FOOD. YOU WON'T FIND IT THERE. TAKE TIME DAILY TO FEED YOUR SPIRIT! SATISFY YOUR INNER NEEDS! STOP REFUSING TO NOURISH YOUR EXISTENCE. GOD WANTS YOU TO BE ALIVE.

P1 = FOOD WAS CREATED FOR GIVING LIFE! It's NOT "foreign/ invasive/ alien"; it's MEANT FOR THE BODY. Practice CHOOSING/ AFFIRMING your FREE WILL & PREFERENCES when eating/ cooking? ASSERT/ EMPHASIZE YOUR AGENCY?
+ PURITY of HEART affects BODY! (MATT 15:17-18! "Purge" by CONFESSING/ JOURNALING? The FOOD isn't impure or evil!!)

P2 = PRACTICE COPING SKILLS IMMEDIATELY! STACK & VARY THEM UNTIL ONE WORKS-- AND IT WILL! Breathe, exert body, positive refocus, music/ movie, etc. EVEN just "distract: long enough to be ABLE to COPE/ THINK STRAIGHT/ CALM DOWN! (DON'T HURT/ ABUSE YOUR MIND & BODY EVEN WORSE BY PURGING! Be MERCIFUL!)

P3 = "FOOD ISN'T POISON, IT'S GOD'S CREATION & GIFT"; therefore DETACH FOOD FROM TRAUMA by RE-ASSOCIATING it with the LEAGUE/ DESCRIBING IT with GRATITUDE & BEAUTY!
+If certain foods DO make you feel sick/ off, TAKE MEDS if needed & OFFER IT UP. The FOOD ISN'T BAD!
(+TREAT YOUR BODY WITH DIGNITY/ HONOR/ RESPECT! FEED IT WITH HEALTH & CARE!)

R1 = "Food is FUEL for your body to KEEP working/ thinking/ creating!" "We NEED to eat REGULARLY, even just little bits, to PREVENT RELAPSE & to KEEP our COURAGEOUS & VIRTUOUS COMMITMENT to RECOVERY & HEALING"
+ Taking small "breaks" TO eat gives you SPECIAL THINKING TIME for NEW/ CLEAR IDEAS!

R2 = FASTING & FEASTING ARE BOTH HOLY & NECESSARY IN VIRTUOUS BALANCE! Starving yourself ISN'T "strength." Yes, fasting IS, but it's GOD'S STRENGTH & GRACE, NOT WILLFULNESS!! Plus, YOU CAN'T "FAST" IN HEAVEN, SO DON'T REJECT/ ISOLATE your soul HERE!!
(EMPTINESS ISN'T "PURITY" (OPEN HEART/ VULNERABILITY)! SIN IS "VOID"! FOOD IS OF EDEN/ HEAVEN (COMMUNION)! Eating IS GOOD!)

R3 = GOD is INFINITY is ABUNDANCE! YOU WEREN'T MADE TO BE A SKELETON. When you're thin & skinny, you have NO STRENGTH to HELP people, or even FUNCTION in LIFE! Your soul ISN'T "buried under fat"! Fat is GOD'S DESIGN TOO! Refusing to partake of God's gifts & thereby "shrinking to nothing" is HELLISH. YOU HAVE NO GOOD TO GAIN IN GETTING THINNER.


What three coping skills did you use to 'save yourself' from the Eating Disorder Monsters this week?

✳ I felt SO ANGRY & UPSET & AFRAID that I wanted to throw up; I practiced deep breathing & physical exertion to try to lessen/ let out the intensity, but the emotions were attached to THOUGHTS that I COULDN'T RESOLVE or handle. SO I went into the group room and CHOSE to "NOT BE A VIOLENT/ ANGRY PERSON", then "DISTRACTED" my mind by watching Moana with the group on the TV. That put enough distance between me & that triggering thought-event for me to "calm down" enough to not rage or weep anymore.

✳ Right now I feel TOO FULL & ASHAMED & GUILTY & SELF-LOATHING. I KEEP PUSHING TOO MUCH FOOD and I HATE it, I WANT to eat LOW VOLUME FOOD but I KEEP PUSHING STUPID MENU CHOICES "IN THEORY" WITHOUT CONSIDERING PRACTICALITY. Like "I HAVE to eat TWO SERVINGS OF POTATOES BECAUSE I ALLEGEDLY LIKE THEM, RIGHT??" like if I DON'T, it's WRONG/ DISHONEST. And I REGRET THAT FORCING SO BLOODY MUCH. I HATE EATING SO MUCH. But I'm doomed until Tuesday. God please help me get through this.
How am I coping right now. I'm literally just committed to NOT vomiting. ONE instance IS a relapse. It "resets" the "clean count." I WON'T GO BACK. And my second commitment is to do 100% EVERY MEAL, EVEN IF IT IS TORTURE. This is my PURGATORY. And, I want to SHOW by my ACTIONS that I AM WILLING to get better & do what needs to be done.
...Which is why I'm so upset about discharge planning. I'm TERRIFIED of doing Partial again, with the forced 7 HOURS ON CAMERA every day. I'm afraid of feeling so trapped & controlled & helpless & WATCHED. Plus having to "CHOOSE to TORTURE-FORCEFEED MYSELF, ON CAMERA, AT THEIR DEMAND," is TRAUMATIC.
...But MUST I do it? If I say "no," am I DISOBEYING GOD? Am I BEING BAD/ UNCOOPERATIVE/ SELFISH by NOT wanting to suffer that hell again?
How do I cope?
Breathe. Trust God. Use this scary interim moment to practice patience & radical acceptance. This-- NONE of this-- can, or will, last forever. There WILL be peace & quiet, solitude & rest & comfort.
Do your time bro. This IS the restitution you prayed for.
You stomach is an altar. Your body is a temple. Your heart is a fire. Your spirit is safe in God.
One day all of this pain & fear & misery WILL end, and on that day you WILL be GRATEFUL for it ALL, because it GAVE GRACE & VIRTUE THE SPACE TO FLOURISH.
Your body will, too.
Don't give up, warrior of love. God IS with you.
This, too, shall pass.