082523

Dream notes, quick so we don't forget!
I was a CELEBI flying, by huge apartment buildings, Japanese doll festival dolls in every window. Flew to homestead, went inside, turned into child self? grandma was in bed, like home hospice. House roof ripped off by some massive storm outside, literally right above her bed, but she was happy about this?? "That old thing needed to be fixed anyway" or something.
I remember looking through closet & packing clothes? Minimal. Feelings of "you're homeless now so focus on bare essentials."

Up at 830
Took a while to wake up. Body so tired.
Laurie both scolding & encouraging me to hurry

Therapy call
Basically we just reviewed our latest daily phone journals, to give her a snapshot of typical life lately.
Actually VERY enlightening because it revealed PATTERNS, especially with recurring struggles. So KEEP IT UP BROSKI
Mentioned, hesitantly, our "using prayer to fill the obsessive void left by the ending of daily trauma."
SHE ACTUALLY RECCOMMENDED HERESY. WTF MA'AM.
Basically, "You don't have to believe everything the Catholic religion says, in order to be Catholic. Nothing in the Bible says you have to follow all the rules."
I BEG YOUR PARDON HAVE YOU READ THE BIBLE?? OR A DICTIONARY??? THAT'S THE LITERAL ANTITHESIS OF RELIGION.

Brain a mess afterwards
Did about 15m of journal cleanup, lots to do yet
IRELAND MASS!
The sweetest old priest, God bless him
SO SO SO HAPPY that we found a daily live Mass website FOR THE UK.

ACV spill from hurrying, so unexpected laundry
Fit schedule perfectly though
Lynne, Julie, Wreckage ALL "giving orders" to help out. Laurie was actually very happy about this
"We SHOULD all be working TOGETHER to take care of the Core; it shouldn't just be my job"
Emphasizing special roles WITHIN larger roles. Uniqueness within a community.

"Our brain is just carrots right now"

Bible plan:
Laurie "why is asking for forgiveness so hard?"
Mimic "because its opening up a wound"

VERY hopeful & consoling commentary on HOLY FEMININITY from Saint John Chrysostom. Very relevant to our situation actually. Definitely reflect on this.

UPMC TRANSCRIPTION!
Honestly I think I'm doing more praying by reading the Faith Filled language of these then when I'm mechanically and robotically reciting prayer cards.
Does this count? Can I offer this up as an act of worship?

just a quick note to you worried folks

listen man, when you're this bloody scared of how hungry and weak and pained the body gets at this hour, you're not gonna die. think about what God has gotten you through before. remember the hours upon hours spent sitting in hospital waiting rooms, with nothing but water, after having purged every last thing in your stomach. remember the mornings at mass when your blood sugar keeps hitting the 60s and yet God never let you pass out. remember the days you'd have to fast until almost 5pm due to schedule stress and were probably running the entire time.
yeah, it's scary, to feel this. in the past, this was a sign that something was very wrong. but this is teaching us.
the body apparently needs more food than we are giving it. we're just hitting 1200k, most of it is olive oil and broccoli, and then we're biking for at least an hour on medium resistance. our weight is inexplicably stable, but we're always feeling so darn hungry. the body needs more fuel i think. pray about it. but winter is on the way, and you will need to stay warm. don't freak out over physical appearance. remember what catholic answers said about atoms and the resurrection. learn to love the shape you've been given for now, however it manifests in God's good will, however it shapes itself according to health. listen man you're 33 already, you're not gonna look 12 in the mirror anymore, we've gotta get used to it. it's not evil or a sin. remember this weight gain was FROM the hospital that saved your poor scrawny ass, and reintroduced you full force to God. it was a good experience, one you need to bless by not regretting the literally salvific consequences. those 30 pounds you put on literally kept you out of the graveyard, and the good Lord knew it. so stop pinching your stomach with distaste. it's insulation. it's fuel storage. it's keeping your organs from being punched. it's keeping you alive you goon, much more than your anorexic silhouette was. that sort of obsession with wasting-away was literally death working its dark magic on you. it wasn't helping anyone, least of all the Living God Who created YOU to live, too. 
so yeah. watch our blood sugar, don't freak out, we have glucose tablets and raisins and bean cereal in a pinch so everything will be fine. you'll have a car for sunday so keep typing those upmc entries, remember we ate ALL that stuff without dying, so if you pray about it and get brave permission to try something for extra calorie density in our diet, go ahead and try. but no obligatory behavior. no compulsions. no commercial seduction. no panicked mimicry. don't disappoint your octopus. don't be a chickenheart, and don't buy any of those either. don't be stupid. take care of yourself. take care of us.
now that's it for this blurb, finish up your typing and get us some sleep too for heaven's sakes. that's not helping the hunger and nerves either. remember tomorrow is church so we've gotta start the day early enough. don't do a second of it without God.
go kiss the blue guy goodnight for me. nah, do it for yourself. that's the most important thing. he loves you, you know. he wants you to take care of yourself more than anyone else up here, arguably. so do that. be brave. be loving. be courageous. be good.

see ya in the morning kiddo, one way or another