110422

This is a cross. This is a literal cross. It's meant to kill me, as DESERVED RETRIBUTION for all the sins I have committed through the eating disorder. I deserve this. I really do deserve this. This is just deserts, for the YEARS of sin.
For gorging myself with junk, I am now FORCED to do so. For the thousands of times I vomited, I now ALWAYS have to feel like I'm about to puke. For all the stress I caused my family, I now have CHRONIC anxiety & panic attacks. For all my dehydration, I now can't even STOMACH water. For the abuse of my stomach, it is now causing ME unending pain & nausea. For all the money I wasted, I now have NO accessible funds OR freedom of purchases. For all the bad thoughts I had, I now have SO many headaches. For all my insistence on allergies, I now CANNOT properly breathe on a regular basis. For all the "self-idolatry" of thinness, my body is now BLOATED & STIFF & MONSTROUS, incapable of being admired or boasted in. For all those years of disordered eating & control obsession, my life is now FORCED to revolve around "refeeding" & "weight restoration" & NO CONTROL AT ALL.
I have been stripped of everything, beaten justly, and NAILED TO THIS CROSS.
I am realizing that now. There IS NO ESCAPE and there CANNOT BE, not until I DIE.
And I can't decide on when, either. It's ALL in God's hands.
...And that is my ONLY HOPE.
Yes, I am suffering through HELL now, and for the rest of my life-- BUT. IT'S ALL A CROSS. IT'S JUST PUNISHMENT. IT'S PENITENTIAL. And if I join my Patron, Dismas, in his humble contrite acceptance, and TURN TO CHRIST WITH REPENTANCE, then even when I DO DIE FROM THIS, I'LL ALREADY HAVE SUFFERED HELL. I'll have ACCEPTED my sentence and THE WILL OF GOD IN IT. And then when I die, IF I have TRUSTED IN CHRIST ALONE TO SAVE ME, then ALL this hellish suffering is MY DEBT BEING PAID. It is MY BLOODY & BLESSED SHARE IN THE PASSION OF CHRIST. God has GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO EXPLICIT PENANCE FOR MY SINS BEFORE I DIE. If I die with Christ ON THIS CROSS, in the SAME WAY HE DID-- with LOVING SURRENDER & TRUST IN GOD & COURAGEOUS SUFFERING FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS-- then I will BE WITH HIM WHEN I DIE.
If I embrace the Cross, for the love of Jesus, every pain will be TRANSFORMED into a redemptive sacrifice!! If I STOP TRYING TO "FIGHT" & CHEAT & STARVE & "GET THIN" AGAIN, not to be healthy but out of FEAR & HATE & REJECTION, and instead SURRENDER TO THE REALITY GOD HAS PLACED ME IN-- a reality of POVERTY & ACCOUNTABILITY & HONESTY & INTEGRITY & LIFE & HARDWORK & SACRIFICE & COURAGE & HUMILITY-- then I will have the PEACE OF CHRIST, which CONQUERS THE WORLD. But please, you MUST remember that VICTORY BELONGS TO GOD ALONE, and GOD IS LIFE & TRUTH & LOVE. God is gentleness & patience & joy, longsuffering & generosity & kindness, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL HOPE. The ONLY way we CAN survive this "hell" is by LETTING CHRIST "HARROW" IT.
EMBRACE THE CROSS!! Please! Do it with LOVING TRUST!! Have FAITH!! Yes this is painful & scary & difficult but GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL & THIS IS STILL FOR YOUR HIGHEST GOOD. You cannot halfass this. You CANNOT love halfheartedly! GOD DEMANDS YOUR ALL, and RIGHTEOUSLY SO-- because when you give ALL to God, the devil gets NOTHIN'!!
So chin up, kiddo. God knows what He's doing AND where we're going, so hold His Hand, set your face towards the Light, and WALK WITH HIM!!

SELF-COMPASSION WORKBOOK: SELF-IMAGE IDEAL

WE'VE NEVER CONSIDERED MOST OF THESE BUT THEY ARE ESSENTIAL-- AND DIRECTLY RELEVANT TO US AS A SYSTEM!!

♡ A "compassionate self-image" is YOUR OWN personal ideal: what YOU would REALLY like from feeling cared for and cared about!!!

♡ Focus on certain qualities:

• WISDOM
• STRENGTH
• WARMTH
• NON-JUDGMENT

What specific colors are associated with these qualities?
What would these qualities look, sound, and feel like?
Let this data come to you NATURALLY, letting information emerge in your mind on its own, without judging or forcing.


♡ Other questions to ask concerning a "compassionate self-image" and "building" one if needed:

• Remember your 'image' brings FULL compassion TO you and FOR you!
• Would you want your caring image to feel/ look/ seem old or young, male or female (or neither), human or nonhuman (animal, sea, light, etc.)?
• How would you like your ideal caring 'image' to look, concerning visual qualities?
• How would you like your ideal caring image to sound (i.e., voice tone)?
• What other sensory qualities can you give to it?
• Would your 'image' have gone through similar experiences to you?
• Would they be like a friend, or even part of a team that welcomes you to belong?
• How would you like your ideal caring 'image' to relate to you?
• How would YOU like to relate to your ideal 'image?'

♡ DO ALL OF THIS WITH JESUS-- THE ONLY TRUE IDEAL, AND PERFECTION OF ALL EARTHLY IDEALS-- AND WRITE ABOUT IT. We feel/ fear that we don't "know Him" well or truly enough. This WILL help deepen our relationship.
Remember that since these "ideal images" are supposed to be SUPERHUMAN, based on perfect ideals, then this is all the more reason WHY ONLY JESUS SHOULD BE THE ULTIMATE FULFILLMENT AND TYPE OF SUCH AN "IMAGE"!!!!


♡ Ideals to include/ recognize in this ideal caring image:

• A deep commitment to you: it should seek only to help you (LIFE ITSELF/ LOVE HIMSELF)
• Strength of mind: it is not exhausted by your level of distress ("I have overcome the world" John 16:33)
• Wisdom: it truly understands what you are going through (THE PASSION & CROSS)
• Warmth: it is kind and gentle with you (Matthew 11:28, 12:20)
• Acceptance: it is not judgmental or critical (DIVINE MERCY; "Our Great High Priest," JOHN 3:16)

♡ Questions to help build/identify your compassionate self-image:
I'm doing these for the System. We are... honestly we are a blessed example of self-compassion already, inherently so, no matter what the deniers and destroyers say. Thank God for giving us each other.
...Reading those ideals I just wrote, I wanted to sob. We have never known that in the physical world, in fact only the exact opposite feebly masquerading as or attempting to be such... it always collapsed catastrophically, in a bitter paroxysm of rage and turncoat hatred. It was always our fault in some way, and although there is honest pain in that sentence we admit it is still true.
Nevertheless... in stark stunning shocking contrast, inside, in the System, EVEN WITH the blood and war and fear, THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABSOLUTE COMPASSION. To this day, to this very day, I wake up and go to bed thanking God for them. Even if it's only the tiniest shattered fragment of a feeling, even if it's buried under the bodyvoice girls who hate everything but God, ironically... for our entire life, despite all odds, our System has been all about love.
So I'm going to fill this out for some of the figureheads of that. I'll do it for more people later, I must... but for now, this special recognition is wholeheartedly deserved.

Answering these for Laurie, Chaos 0, and Mister Sandman:

1. How would you like your compassionate-image to appear to you?

Notably, they're all similar in key ways: physically they are tall & broad-shouldered but NOT towering, boxy, or "burly"; they're slimmer in silhouette, almost androgynous but leaning masculine. They always use open body language, never tight or closed off. They talk with their hands & smile broadly. They ALL have a "touch of age" without being "old"? You can't put a solid number to them. Laurie & Sandman can pass as human but they are subtly "different"; the recognition reminds you of "something greater."

2. How would you like your compassionate-image to sound?

A medium tone, androgynous, not "soft" but not hard either. Level and sincere, strong but kind. Clearly spoken & direct. Medium paced, with frequent, notable inflections, yet no "sudden" shifts or spikes. Emotionally earnest & open. Never flat, detached, rushed, or unclear. They talk to everyone like to a friend-- never as a therapist or professor (even if they act as one), and never with a "stranger's" clipped disinterest. They CARE.

3. Any other sensory qualities-- what colors? how would it feel?

Laurie is violet/white/black/red. Chaos is aqua/peridot/red. Sandman is red/gold/white. All their colors are vivid & clear; no "greying" or faded hues.
They're all built solid but that's "softened" in some way? Chaos is fluid at the core; he's as "soft as water" in every sense; you can feel the surface tension, but it breaks easy into open depths. Mr. Sandman's hands/face are gentle with age, lined and soft, and he ALWAYS wears "pajamas" (silky, light fabric, and glitter to boot). Even Laurie is paradoxically "soft" at the edges, from all her bandages, her battleworn vest, and arguably that famous shock of spiky hair. They all give strong & warm embraces.
Laurie always smells like blood & steel & stars. Mr. Sandman smells like snowflakes & sunlight & winter blankets. Chaos 0 smells like rain & sea & river water, with an unearthly sparkle like diamonds.

4. How will your compassionate-image relate to you and your struggles?

They UNDERSTAND TRAUMA, GRIEF, LOSS, RAGE, & PAIN, but have NO bitterness or despair. Shockingly, they HAVE ALL experienced trauma similar to mine, WITHOUT the explicitness (THANK GOD). But they have all bled & wept & struggled with intense, even violent emotion. They all love deeply; they all have "blamed themselves" for "failing to protect" the ones they love. Chaos actually understands addiction firsthand. Laurie CARRIES MY SCARS & has been suicidal. Mister Sandman knows ALL ABOUT nightmares, even the worst ones. He gets it. For all three of them, no matter what I'm suffering through, in some way I can tragically but blessedly trust that they HAVE "been there"... and they will be there for me, with me, too.

5. How will you relate to your compassionate-image?

They all "personify" key parts of my heart, ideals that I fail to live up to or even truly recognize in myself, yet which resonate so deeply I cannot ever deny them.
Laurie is indefatigable strength & raw wisdom.
Mister Sandman is inexhaustible warmth & acceptance.
Chaos 0 is ineffable commitment and love.

SELF-COMPASSION WORKBOOK: SELF-CARE

1. Describe how you can practice self-compassion with your inner voice.

• Acknowledge the VALIDITY of critical/ angry/ bitter nousfoni voices, and BE SOFT & GENTLE TO THEM!
• Discern and practice encouraging statements: be encouraging & supportive, not harsh & critical, to ALL.
• Actively practice a gentler, more tender quality of tone-- sing with your heart, talk to your beloveds aloud, practice saying kind phrases to nousfoni who need to hear them, so I can also say the same to those around me in the outerworld
• TRY to de-weaponize touch?? Write down ideas of what would feel safe? Don't think too hard; go with the damaged deep-down child responses. Practice paying attention to normal sensory input in safe, solitary, everyday life, to normalize the typical experience of physical sensory input in the first place.

2. List five positive attributes about yourself. What are five things about yourself that you value and know to be true in your wise mind? (These attributes must be RELIABLE= THEY DO NOT WAVER EVEN IN CRISIS!!)

• PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTE = my scars. They are "retribution" and proof that I WAS CONTRITE, AND cared DEEPLY about "making things right again". They are also proof of the System, of both our shared pain and our shared love, beyond all doubt.
• CHARACTER TRAIT = HOPE; my determination to love & learn & grow; my deep desire to help others even when it's difficult; always want to be brave & honest; inherent spirituality and shockingly tenacious faith
• ACCOMPLISHMENT = The Leagueworlds: all their literature, art, and music, including the vast portfolio of imaginative outpouring from childhood that we have long since forgotten or lost (its impact and historical reality still matter); the poetry & creative writing & journals I have written; my singing at church?
• RELATIONSHIP = How much I love/d and took care of grandma; the absolute committed-against-all-odds love I have with Chaos 0 AND Laurie
• OTHER = I am part of the Spectrum; I am a child of God; I am my mother's daughter; I am part of humanity and I AM worthy of LOVE

3. Describe what you can do to create a kind environment.

• PUT UP PICTURES/ PHOTOS OF FAMILY/ BELOVEDS, especially in trigger spaces-- "DO IT FOR THEM' recovery motivation!!
• Rearrange my apartment so I feel SAFE & "AT HOME" in it; reject "expectations"/ "obligations"!! ONLY DO/ USE WHAT "FEELS RIGHT"-- FOR THE ENTIRE SYSTEM!!!
• Get one or two little things that CLEARLY reflect my personal aesthetic/ vibe? Go through Etsy and find something; light/ rainbows/ hearts/ jewels come to mind.
• DO SYSTEM "DATES"-- have movie nights, go out with Genesis, befriend the Socials?? Honestly MAKE OUR DAILY LIFE "OURS." Actively acknowledge and LIVE AS "US."

4. Practice radical self-acceptance. What can you practice accepting?

• My inclination to like quiet & keeping mostly to myself? Yes, I LOVE PEOPLE, but I need serious time to recharge, cannot talk for long without crashing, and require SOME distance at all times to not burn out!
• My "ineptitude" in art/ music/ writing; I feel like a perpetual amateur, doomed to inadequacy and irrelevance when all I WANT to do is GIVE AND SHARE that LOVE & JOY!! Ironically that's what kids are the best at-- and that's the level I'm "stuck" at!
• My tendency to be "passive aggressive" and avoid confrontation/ offense; I feel like a coward and a backstabber, and have been accused as such. But I just don't want to hurt or insult anyone, OR exacerbate any self-worth issues THEY may have!
• My impulses to "show off," "prove myself," "entertain/ educate," etc. Deep down I hope I'm just trying to be useful, adequate, someone who CAN help and would be ALLOWED to?? 

5. Describe how you can practice turning your mind to deeply like yourself (for example, how you can turn your mind from a negative self-judgment to a compassionate fact).

• "I don't do enough for other people" → "I always want to do good for others, and WILL do what I can according to my current means; I DO care"
• "I complain too much" → "I am in touch with my pain and have a strong protective instinct. I am still learning that it is SAFE to sit with pain and discomfort at times."
• "I'm not religious enough" → "I DO love God and my faith is the true north of my life. Scrupulosity won't "make me holy" OR "get me into heaven." Jesus alone does; my only job is to LOVE with HIS LOVE."
• "I'm a selfish coward" → "Trauma history makes me hesitate. As I recover, I will become more able TO courageously act on the honest love I DO feel and WANT to give to others."

SELF-COMPASSION EXERCISE

1. If your emotions are unbalanced and impulsive, your perspective rigid and one-sided, and your mind closed to alternatives, how can you be more mindful?

Don't obsess over future plans OR feel required to "perpetuate / relive" the past; "step out of head" & OBSERVE emotions honestly; ASK & LISTEN to EVERYONE in the System equally; write pros/cons lists?; don't go out in public without a list & schedule to prevent mania BUT do ONE little unplanned GOOD THING that's NOT a purchase DAILY?? Journal mindful eating? Regularly do "observation meditations"; SLOW DOWN!!

2. If you are obsessed with and fixated on what's wrong, unable to trust yourself, how can you take a step back and be less obsessed? 

Find ways to fix, or even TRANSMUTE, what is "wrong" into a RIGHT situation? Rely on GOD to "fill up" where I am inevitably, humanly inadequate-- "His Grace & Power are made perfect IN OUR weakness"!! Look at the bigger picture: COMMUNITY/ ETERNITY focus instead; surrender to WHAT IS, all under God's control, and COOPERATE/ FLOW with it WILLINGLY; do your moral best BUT always pray and ONLY trust GOD. Trusting in Him allows us TO act, although prone to sin, for we HOPE in His MERCY to help us!

3. Failure, struggle, and feelings of inadequacy are a part of the human condition. How do you remind yourself that you are part of the whole? 

CONNECT SAFELY WITH OTHERS (IN A COMMUNITY CONTEXT-- NOT "ONE ON ONE"; NO SELF-OBSESSION); JOIN an online and/or local group/community for something I'm LEGIT PASSIONATE ABOUT; connect more with local parishes; VOLUNTEER; HAGIOGRAPHIES; read Scripture verses about Christian community & the Kingdom of God; read personal devotionals and testimonies; write about my struggles & failures & share them somehow?? REMEMBER HOW THE ARCHIVES HELPED PEOPLE!!!

4. If you feel separate and cut off from the rest of the world, thinking everyone else has it better or easier, what can you do to decrease isolation now? 

TALK TO THE SYSTEM YOU GOOF. YOU'RE NEVER ALONE; THEY ALWAYS CARE & UNDERSTAND & WANT TO HELP YOU!! GO TO MASS; visit dad; call mom AND regularly help her out up the house; chill at the library? Even stop by a local restaurant?? SIT OUTSIDE WITH THE NEIGHBORS! Get active in a HEALTHY online community, ESPECIALLY with faith/ art/ fandoms!

5. If you are not loving, kind, or tender towards yourself, refusing to show yourself patience or understanding, what can you do to increase self-kindness? 

AGAIN, TALK TO THE SYSTEM. Legit hold Xanga sessions regularly to DISCUSS & EXPRESS our difficulties & hurts & fears & problems. Remember to "love your neighbor as YOURSELF." Remember how much GOD loves you-- remember Jesus, AND mom, AND Laurie & Chaos 0 & Mister Sandman & Genesis & Infinitii & SO MANY OTHERS. Read the letters you have saved. Print out archive snippets of LOVE TOWARDS YOU and pin them up everywhere. Remember how much you loved grandma, and remember how she ALWAYS told you to treat yourself just as compassionately.

6. If your are disapproving, intolerant, impatient, tough, and coldhearted towards yourself, what can you do to decrease self-judgment?

WRITE IT OUT. Vent the pain & tears & fear & frustration & regret & RAGE. Let EVERYONE talk, and then RESPOND IN LOVE. Remember that YOU ARE NOT GOD and you WILL slip & stumble & hurt yourself & others UNINTENTIONALLY. Every human being does. BUT. Please, see EVERY injury as something to be kissed better. Transmute that pain with compassion. "Defeat evil WITH GOOD." OPEN YOUR HEART. "Forgive us our sins and we forgive others' sins." ALL THROUGH JESUS!! ONLY HE CAN JUDGE YOU, AND HE DOESN'T. THAT'S LOVE.


Final notes:

+ ADMIT WHEN IT HURTS. Do NOT deny pain OR TRY TO "LIKE IT"!!
+ Similarly, ADMIT STRUGGLE, NO PROUD DENIAL of human weakness!!
+ "We all struggle in our lives" = I AM PART OF THE "ALL"!! You aren't a reject!
+ Find the words that YOU NEED in your times of suffering. DON'T PARROT ANYTHING BLINDLY.
+ Forgive yourself, too.

E.D. RECOVERY WORKBOOK: RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN

RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN

Positive changes you have made so far in treatment:
"Normalizing" many fear foods; being able to sit with/ distract from fullness without panicking; not counting food; eating with eyes open; RESISTING URGE TO PURGE; learning how to make OWN food choices without obsessing over patterns & "right/wrong"; ability to say "NO" to compulsions?

Current and ongoing challenges:
"Completionist" compulsion; LOTS of trauma memories tied to foods that I keep RELIVING & getting lost in; notable physical body discomfort; INTENSE DESIRE TO RESTRICT: to FLATTEN stomach & trauma kickback "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME EAT; I WON'T LET YOU HURT ME OR TOUCH ME ANYMORE" resistance.

Techniques & strategies that help & you will continue to use:
Industrial distraction methods; EXCHANGES; lower volume food combinations; PORTION CONTROL (use smaller bowls/ plates); distress tolerance skills; accountability sheets; food tracking sheets; trauma grounding & emotion regulation skills; JOURNALING; educatedly seeing food as NUTRITION; PATIENCE & TRUST!!

Situations & times that you are at highest risk of E.D. behaviors:
RESPONSIBILITY OVERLOAD; Sensory overwhelm (AUDITORY); feeling dirty (dropping/ spilling/ crumbling/ dribbling food); self-loathing episodes; trauma flashbacks (ESP. PHYSICAL); social overexposure (lose internal awareness/ self); feeling full/ bloated/ sick; DISSOCIATING AND/OR TRIGGERS WHILE EATING

Warning signs that you are starting to slip, and how to turn things around:

SIGN: Trying to entertain/ people-please; babbling or seeking to mollify? Talking too much; commenting, muttering
SYMPTOMS: DISSOCIATING; mindless, compulsive talk; anxiety/ panic; "imminent terror/ danger"
PLAN TO STOP: Close eyes, BLOCK EARS, shut your mouth! WRITE instead; SYSTEM TALK instead

SIGN: Trying to heal ALL AT ONCE/ "I can do EVERYTHING" / "Nothing is wrong"
SYMPTOMS: Invincibility, risk-taking, NO future prudence
PLAN TO STOP: ISOLATE & RECENTER INTERNALLY. Burn off mania with HARD LABOR & EXERCISE

SIGN: "I hate food" "Food is evil" "Gaining weight = moral corruption"
SYMPTOMS: Destroying food, restricting/ fasting, suicidal ideation, depressive collapse
PLAN TO STOP: Check the facts; read Eucharist books? Remind self of medical consequences to behaviors

Dealing with setbacks: list lapse behaviors what led to it, and how you can do better in the future.

BEHAVIOR: PURGING
CAUSE: Weight felt internally
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: STOP eating when full; DON'T FORCE!!!
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Cleanup/ EAT small, sleep

BEHAVIOR: EXCESSIVE FASTING
CAUSE: Feeling dirty/ carnal
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: ONLY fast 12h; talk to priest?
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Break fast slowly with safe food?

BEHAVIOR: CALORIE RESTRICTION
CAUSE: Fear of fullness/ weight
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: Actively challenge with MEDICAL FACTS
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Add calories slowly & in small amounts

BEHAVIOR: OCD PREP/ PICKING
CAUSE: Anxiety when eating
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: Occupy hands DIFFERENTLY
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Leave meal, de-stress, THEN return

BEHAVIOR: "FEAR FOODS"
CAUSE: Trauma flashbacks
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: Face them with OTHERS?
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Process trauma = JOURNAL

BEHAVIOR: BINGEING
CAUSE: Mania; compulsion
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: SET HARD LIMITS
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Portion control/ Time management

★ We MIGHT be able to help reroute the "prep & picking" obsession with the GUZHENG??

★ CAN we get a food prep job and chop things up?? Is there a CRAFT to facilitate that urge??

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


LETTING GO OF THE PAST

I STILL KEEP GETTING STUCK IN TRAUMA-VICTIM MINDSETS.
This means I apparently CAN'T LET GO of something about it. It's keeping me tied to the past, and letting my view of myself OR OTHERS to change & HEAL & FORGIVE.
GOOD MEMORIES still exist & I CANNOT/ SHOULD NOT deny them!!

CRISIS SAFETY/ RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN FOR APARTMENT

TRIGGERS for E.D. behaviors (when these things happen, I'm more likely to feel unsafe/ upset):

+ Dream hacks & nightmares
+ Trauma rumination/ flashbacks
+ Seeing the body when it's bloated, especially "chubby" abdominal area over clothes
+ Reflux/ nausea/ fullness/ tightness: feeling physical discomfort, esp. gastric
+ Gender dysphoria
+ Responsibility overwhelm/ social exhaustion
+ LACK of stimulation/ purposefulness
+ In public: others eating less; disturbing topics/ music; diet comments; large portions; being watched
+ Reading/ hearing about religious fasting
+ Hearing mom/ others saying fatphobic things & promoting diet culture
+ Seeing attractive, very thin bodies, IRL or in art
+ People talking when I am eating, and/or about food and/or sexual topics
+ Close contact
+ Lots of noise, talking, movement in general
+ Being touched and/or people putting things in/ taking things from my hands


HOW DO I THINK, FEEL, & ACT when I'm TRIGGERED/ UNSTABLE?

+ existential dread/ panic
+ "tunnel vision" rage
+ screaming noise inside head, looping/ no exit
+ "stuck movie reel" mental visual looping
+ body restlessness, fidgety, jumpy, "tics"
+ increased physical awareness; "stuck"
+ flashbacks begin/ continue
+ hypervigilance; easily startled
+ dissociation/ derealization/ depersonalization
+ hearing voices WITHOUT THOUGHTS
+ sharp decrease in mental coherency; hard to form thoughts
+ talking OUT LOUD to "myself"
+ wringing hands; pulling at sleeves/ hair; tapping feet; scratching/ picking at hands with fingernails
+ extreme: high pitched whine, hyperventilating, eyes darting around, crying
+ extreme: flattened affect, no speech, breathing shallow/ stopped, going totally still/ frozen; shaking
+ overly social, chattering, loud talk, joking & laughing, trying to "entertain" or be "socially conforming"
+ closed/ tight body language, staring off rigidly into space
+ stuttering, slurring words, "garbled" speech, going nonverbal
+ clenching fists/ claw hands, angry brow, tense muscles, focused breathing, gaze fixed, clenched teeth
+ lying down on table/ putting head down WITHOUT ARM SUPPORT
+ covering face with hands; clawing at forehead; pulling fistfuls of hair, growling
+ thoughts become insistent & repetitive, panicky
+ intrusive, disturbing, violent/ fearful automatic thoughts
+ pacing, muttering, folding arms


THINGS THAT HELP ME CALM DOWN, STAY SAFE, OR FEEL BETTER NOW:

+ getting away from close contact/ social proximity
+ getting away from loud music
+ if overwhelmed: closing eyes, not talking, rocking
+ shivering out/ shaking out stress
+ RUN LIKE SONIC! (one day I'd LOVE to "Sonic bike" again-- we'd need a new GBA or XBox?)
+ read inspiring religious books/ study Scripture
+ GOOD sense override; bright hues, nice scents, fave music, strong impact?
+ Church, if possible-- even a solitary visit
+ prayer! just TALK to Jesus!!
+ listening to choir &/or calming music; even "rain/ snow" sounds
+ listening to my "cheer up kiddo" & "chill out kiddo" playlists
+ hug unis, chaos, celebi, or cherry
+ play klonoa or sonic; SPEEDRUN?
+ read old inspiring letters & quotes; review workbook advice
+ lifting heavy weights; step machine? jump rope?
+ play the guzheng and/or cello (violin/ viola? erhu??)
+ look at and/or read Leaguestuff; IMAGINE SCENES!
+ photos of SWITZERLAND, CATHEDRALS, & HEADSPACE PLACES
+ TALKING TO LAURIE, GENESIS, & CHAOS 0
+ journaling/ XANGA SESSIONS
+ go outside? just soak up nature; take photos?
+ watch something inspiring on the TV? (the chosen, dr. who, anime, ewtn, old animation)
+ GRATITUDE LISTS
+ get lost in Spotify or research diving
+ drag the couch around in a circle
+ change clothes/ clean & wash up
+ LAUGH at something goofy


CHANGES TO MAKE IN MY ENVIRONMENT TO FEEL SAFE/ CALM DOWN:

+ reduce noise & babble
+ leave kitchen/ put all foods in closed containers/ "CLOSE OFF" door? (curtain rod!)
+ JUNK major trigger foods if prudent
+ hug a plushie to "disarm" agitated hands
+ CLOSE THE BATHROOM DOOR
+ go OUT & walk the steps for a while
+ go look outside! expand your perspective!
+ keep POSITIVE CREATIVE COPING TOOLS in immediate access locations
+ laptops on STANDBY?
+ keep a book or two ON THE COUCH; keep journal/ workbook(s) IN SIGHT
+ GET A GLITTER LAMP? something to divert vision positively
+ CONTEXT SHIFT! go outside for a bit! DOORWAYS ARE YOUR FRIENDS
+ put up inspiring post-its? hang up art & quotes?
+ PUT OUT CONSTANTLY SEEN VISUAL REMINDERS of the LEAGUE/ SYSTEM
+ keep a living room altar in PLAIN SIGHT
+ reduce clutter! keep things neat & tidy!
+ rainbow sunstrips on window? hang little crystals around?


THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL WORSE:

+ being touched
+ trying to hold my hand (I WILL probably scream)
+ having to verbally answer questions
+ being referred to by name, especially if I'm in a flashback
+ people panicking & being dramatic
+ no decrease in noise level or movement
+ telling me to "snap out of it" or "quit being a baby" etc.
+ being focused on or stared at
+ being asked "what's wrong?"

★ "Self-attention" is catastrophic. focus my attention on GOD, or if I'm struggling to initially, then focus on some beneficial external data source? (books, music, leagueworlds?) Honestly just HAND ME A BIBLE


WHEN I NOTICE TRIGGERS, TO PREVENT THINGS WORSENING, I WILL...

+ NOT EAT! wait until everything settles!!
+ PRAY!!
+ read the Bible/ inspiring religious literature
+ TALK TO LAURIE
+ close my eyes!!
+ SIT DOWN!! STAY ON YOUR BUTT KIDDO
+ practice breathing exercises? slow down!
+ "IMPROVE" SKILLS
+ MINDFULNESS exercises; GROUNDING mentally/ physically
+ Identify emotions & action urges; describe & validate BUT do opposite action
+ Self-soothe & distraction skills (sparkly things! minty stuff! soft things! nice music!)
+ GET AWAY FROM THE TRIGGER if possible
+ STOP TALKING!
+ progressive muscle relaxation: DROP the tension!
+ ACTIVELY PRACTICE RADICAL GRATITUDE & TRUST IN GOD
+ Contact the Retributors & ASK FOR THEIR HELP
+ FORGIVE
+ call a crisis hotline or therapist if relevant
+ let SOMEONE ELSE switch in if possible
+ LEAVE THE CONTEXT if possible
+ IMMEDIATELY go upstairs & talk/ journal about it
+ .do something PURE & UPLIFTING

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------