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Well, it's my last day at COPE. I'm honestly feeling such bittersweet grief. I want to stay, to learn more, to get closer to people, to be part of this growing & healing & helping community. But... I'm still terrified of gaining weight. At least, as long as weight = this "chunky" feeling & swollen face & body stiffness. I'm genuinely NOT comfortable being this big. My only two hopes are: either to "diet & restrict" W/O purging, OR to become a gym rat TANK. Both are weirdly appealing in different ways. I DO want a small body, pure & light & childlike. BUT if that's truly impossible as far as "being an adult with my genetics" is concerned, then TANK IT IS. And I know I keep using that word, but that's what it feels like-- if I'm doomed to be thick & slow & heavy, then at least let me be STRONG, and let me be a PROTECTOR.
...Like my beloved. Well isn't that some beautiful irony.
But honestly, although when I had an anorexic-thin body-- although I DIDN'T & COULDN'T see it that way (and still can't, not truly)-- I wasn't strong. It was becoming impossible to even RUN. And I wonder-- if the symptoms I assumed were "long COVID" were actually MALNUTRITION. God I HOPE so. That means I can still shape up! But I CAN'T OVERDO IT EITHER. 2 hours a day, tops? Not four!! And I STILL NEED TO EAT. But eating will hurt less & be less scary once this body gets more muscular & toned; right now it's flabby & weak, which doesn't help with anything. So there's a good, honest goal: get in shape AND eat for fuel!
Yes I will admit I REALLY just want to QUIT EATING. I miss the light & empty freedom; I do. BUT THAT'S NOT SUSTAINABLE. It's like trying to drive a car with no gas. Like it or not, I DO HAVE TO EAT. ...But I really need to think about it differently. "Eating" FEELS carnal & dehumanizing & SXABUSIVE even to say. "Feeding" is also animalistic & sterile & sexual & upsetting. "Fueling" is a bit better. "Nourishing" is GROSS & makes me acutely nauseous; it sounds and feels invasive, in a horribly traumatic way. So we NEED our OWN WAY of referring to eating WITHOUT using these words, OR "food," "meals," "snacks," "dessert," "consume," "feast," etc. It's ALL either FURIOUSLY INFANTILIZING, GROSSLY CARNAL, or SEXUALLY TRAUMATIC. That's awful to admit but it is the absolute truth. No wonder we have this bloody disorder. STILL, there IS a biological reality here that we MUST acknowledge & respect, because GOD INVENTED IT even if we don't like it-- yet, God willing, and we know He is. He has to be. There IS a GOD-ORDAINED FUNCTION here (HEAVEN is a "banquet") that MUST be honored AS GOD INTENDED, FOR HIS SAKE.