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Trust God's plan. "The present moment IS perfect, EVEN if I don't like it!" "Though He slay me, I STILL HOPE IN HIM."
Rejecting the new reality of this body does not make it smaller. Rejecting the reality of the mealplan does not make it smaller. Rejecting the reality of my pain & discomfort & fear & anxiety & depression does not make it all go away, and it does not stop those feelings from occurring either. I CANNOT ignore the facts and I CANNOT ignore my problems & struggles! If I WANT & HOPE for things to change, I MUST first ACCEPT the situation, without grumbling or complaining, EXACTLY as it IS, RIGHT NOW-- even if I am suffering and I don't like it. I NEED to ACCEPT the FACTS, if I want to properly "problem-solve." I MUST be HONEST! But I must ALSO realize that PAIN CAN'T BE AVOIDED-- and honestly it SHOULDN'T BE. Suffering is inherent in this life of exile; every human must and WILL suffer.
But SO DID CHRIST, and when we ACCEPT the reality of our suffering, AND the Reality of the CROSS, we gain the GRACE necessary to UNITE OUR CROSS TO HIS, which enables us to not only bear OUR cross with GRATITUDE for that redemptive act & our OPPORTUNITY to COOPERATE with it, but also to therefore COPE & ADAPT with a WILLING, TRUSTING HEART to ANY pain we face, TRUSTING that it is ALL GOD'S WILL. But we NEED to START FROM A PLACE OF VULNERABILITY & SINCERITY. You CANNOT join Christ on His Cross if you REFUSE TO ADMIT YOU'RE CARRYING ONE!!! THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DISMAS & GESTAS. Dismas ACCEPTED his cross AS a cross-- AS something OBJECTIVELY & HONESTLY painful & scary & DESERVED-- and ONLY BY THAT HUMBLE ACCEPTANCE was he ABLE to TRANSCEND IT, WITHOUT REJECTING IT.
And I must do that or I won't survive; physically, emotionally, OR spiritually. Rejecting the Cross keeps me STUCK THERE and AWAY FROM THE PEACE OF CHRIST!!! And God knows I am SO TIRED OF FIGHTING. I want to just surrender to God's Will, even when-- ESPECIALLY when-- it involves my being sick & uncomfortable & frightened. IF GOD IS ORCHESTRATING IT-- WHICH HE ALWAYS IS-- then I can ALWAYS TRUST in His Will!! And that trust ALLOWS HIS GOOD PURPOSES to TAKE EFFECT IN MY LIFE, which they can't if I keep rejecting reality, and resisting the facts. EVERYTHING HAS A HIGHER PURPOSE, EVEN WHEN IT GENERATES PAIN & SUFFERING!!! There is ALWAYS a lesson to learn. There is ALWAYS a greater, deeper meaning. "The LORD giveth and the LORD taketh away; BLESSED BE THE LORD!!" And when THAT is my perspective, GRACE & GRATITUDE & TRUST allow me to ACTIVELY & HONESTLY REALIZE that, no matter what I may suffer, no matter how much pain there is in it, LIFE IS WORTH LIVING, because it's a GIFT FROM GOD. ALL of it. Remember the promise of Scripture: there are ETERNAL JOYS in heaven that make EVERY TEMPORARY WORLDLY PAIN WORTH ENDURING. That's the motive Christ always had!! He KNEW that ALL the agony was STILL TEMPORARY, His goal & motive was ETERNITY, and that REALITY in His Heart was SO CLEAR & TRUE that He EMBRACED the Cross as the PATH TO IT!!! And so too must I, if I want to touch Heaven even in the midst of hell.
...It really comes down to choice. To FREE WILL. Do I choose to resist & reject, NOT trusting that God IS in control and DOES see me and DOES know it hurts and DOES CARE? Or do I choose TO trust Him in ALL those ways, saying "THY WILL, NOT MINE, BE DONE," even if it KILLS me? Do I trust in the reality of Christ's Resurrection? Do I trust that I am STILL "MADE IN GOD'S IMAGE" EVEN if I'm fat & sick? I WANT to. God knows I desperately want to, but I CAN'T by myself. God, give me the Grace, to TRUST YOU & be who YOU want me to be!!

SELF-COMPASSION WORKBOOK: FORGIVENESS EXERCISE

What will move me closer to how I would like to live, or what is more in line with my personal values?

I value tender-heartedness, compassion, MERCY, sincerity, gentleness, kindness, courage, justice... my resistance to forgive is CLASHING with these. To be brave would be to FACE the truth of my pain. JUSTICE would be acknowledging it was wrong, BUT ALSO refusing to PERPETUATE pain?? I daresay TBAS suffered enough when I left. ... Honestly THAT is motive enough for compassion, if I'm seeking one. Don't filter out the TRUTH of THEIR experiences in this matter.
I want to live with a TENDER HEART, a BRAVE HEART, a GENTLE yet STRONG heart. Such a heart CAN'T HELP BUT FORGIVE, even the WORST pains. FOLLOW JESUS. THE CROSS IS A BLESSING; IT IS THE INSTRUMENT OF THE MOST POWERFUL LOVE POSSIBLE. IT'S GRACE.


Which path leads to more suffering?

Bitterness, regret, rage, despair... it does no good and CANNOT do any good. HOWEVER, EMOTIONS ARE SIGNPOSTS TO DEEPER THOUGHTS, so that suffering MUST BE LOOKED AT, NOT DENIED OR IGNORED, in order to heal! Forgiveness CANNOT HAPPEN IN TRUTH UNLESS YOU ADMIT THERE IS SOMETHING TO FORGIVE. Also... this thought "I deserve to suffer for what I did" shows that you need to forgive YOURSELF for the trauma, too.


What do I fear I may lose if I were to practice forgiveness? Is this fear justified?

I'm afraid I will lose "moral integrity"? Which is IMPOSSIBLE because JESUS FORGIVES!!! BUT actually I think it's because I WOULD "MAKE MYSELF THE ABUSER" if I forgave them? Because I LET THEM DO IT, because I LOVED THEM? and they said THAT WAS LOVE? and so it's HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO FORGIVE in EITHER of us. I destroyed myself and suffered such psychospiritual damage, in the attempt to love and be loved. But they had the wrong definition of love? If I forgive them, what do I do with the pain? the grief? the disgust? the despair and terror? If I forgive them, I fear that my real suffering will be invalidated? 


Would my life be more fulfilling if I were able to relax vigilance about the past hurt or grievance?

YES!! I am SO TIRED of being haunted by the event(s). I WANT to let go and move on, IN COMPASSIONATE FREEDOM. Right now, it's wrecking me. I can't fully face the reality of what happened; I want to CRY & SCREAM & DIE, EVEN NOW, because the LOSS was THAT GUTTING. But I WANT TO BE WHOLE AGAIN. If I forgive, will I lose that chance? How do I come to terms with the WOUND?? CAN it ever stop hurting? SHOULD it, if the injury was SPIRITUAL? God, what do I do? HALF THE FAULT IS MINE. I'm struggling so much.


Am I holding onto my fear or anger for other reasons (e.g., secret desire for revenge)?

I want to scream, "IT WAS WRONG!! THAT WASN'T LOVE!! YOUR VIOLENCE AND LUST AND POSSESSIVENESS WERE NOT LOVE!!! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT??" I WANT them to see that, THROUGH REVEALING THE WOUNDS IT INFLICTED??? But they DO KNOW, don't they? Haven't I said so? But they didn't believe me. They were PROUD of their "conquering me." They said I was making it all up, to "hide the truth" they alleged-- that I had "WANTED" it. God HOW DO I FORGIVE without somehow "making that true"??? IF I LET GO OF THE PAIN & ANGER, I HAVE NO "PROOF" THAT THEY ACTED ABUSIVELY. If I "let go," then it feels like I'm "ACCEPTING" their behavior. And I CAN'T. SHOULD I?? How do I "accept" without "embracing"?? BECAUSE THAT GOT ME RAPED LAST TIME.

SELF-COMPASSION WORKBOOK: IN DAILY LIFE

PHYSICALLY = soften the body

How do you care for yourself physically?

...I dont? The body has been such a terrifying place; honestly all I've done is beat it up. "Softness" from others ALWAYS ended in terror.

Can you think of new ways to release the tension & stress that builds up in your body?

HEALTHY exercise; maybe martial arts? Wrap the body in those fluffy winter blankets. Safely stretch, if that's possible? Funny little dances and stims, even.


MENTALLY = reduce agitation

How do you care for your mind, especially when you're under stress?

JOURNALING & RECOVERY PLANNING can make it worse if we're not careful. Reading Scripture/ devotions/ holy books ALWAYS helps, though. GOD'S PEACE!!

Is there a new strategy you'd like to try to let your thoughts come and go more easily?

Math?? Sightreading music? Organizing stuff METHODICALLY? Untangling knots, cutting paper & fabric, sewing? SONIC/ KLONOA/ NIER & DISHONORED??


EMOTIONALLY = soothe and comfort yourself

How do you care for yourself emotionally?

Talking to Laurie, usually. Spotify playlists help, too. Looking at the beauty of Creation-- snow, trees, flowers, rainbows-- reminds me of God's Loving Presence.

Is there something new you'd like to try?

Playing CELLO & GUZHENG. spending time with Chaos 0, especially on Spotify nights. humming & singing low & quiet. reading our most touching old entries.


RELATIONALLY = connect with others

How or when do you relate to others that brings you genuine happiness?

CHILLIN' WITH THE SYSTEM! Everything with church is lovely, especially choir. And I MISS the camaraderie of BEING IN AN ORCHESTRA

Is there any way that you'd like to enrich these connections?

Honestly, stop burying your heart, and get active with the fictophile/ teratophile community on Tumblr; there seem to be some really lovely people there. Also I STILL want to watch Doctor Who with mom. I want to visit dad & just chill. I want to get comfy with the neighbors. I'D LIKE A LEGIT GIRLFRIEND


SPIRITUALLY = commit to your values

What do you do to care for yourself spiritually?

GO TO MASS; Bible study; read religious books; unstructured prayer AND recitations; WATCH EWTN; listen to hymns & LARNELLE

If you've been neglecting your spiritual side, is there anything you'd like to remember to do?

SAY THOSE CHAPLETS. get into regular rosaries. do RELIGIOUS ART. revere your relics & sacramentals. GO TO DAILY ADORATION AFTER MASS!