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UPMC journal 100122
Oct. 1st, 2022 10:00 ampost-breakfast//
BONUS OMELET! ♥ They're slowly losing the misapplied anxiety, thank God, but they NEED a solid positive reassociation, which they currently lack. Still, we DID do that for two OTHER foods this morning, using yesterday's powerful League-imagining technique:
+ KAETO loves strawberry PopTarts. They're fast, bright, warm, sweet, uncomplicated, fun, & a little childish-- just like she likes to be. Even their colors (Red & SPRINKLES) are 100% her vibe. With all her running about & impatient streak, they're typically the only breakfast she'll get!
+ NIKEISHA enjoys green tea. In contrast to Kaeto's fire, she-- like a plant-- savors it slowly, mindfully, with its slightly bitter-earth undertone and green glow. I think she sips it as she studies, and/or tends to the greenery I always see filling her living space/ environment?
★ The taste data for BOTH DIDN'T EVEN REGISTER at first-- I personally had NO positive associations known for either, ONLY negative ones, PLUS the "personal dissonance" ACTUALLY HINDERED INPUT, like two "out of sync" soundwaves cancelling each other out!! BUT!! Once we "intuitively found/ tapped into" LEAGUE resonance, the data LOCKED IN, finally being ABLE to VIA the new, powerfully resonant & SOLID foundations-- which were BOTH POSITIVE AND PERSONALLY UNINVASIVE??? THAT is a FASCINATING & KEY aspect to the League resonance ties: even though they are VASTLY different than my own, they STILL have anchors in MY heart & mind, WITHOUT impinging on the integrity of MY personal/ historical identity-- something Nousfoni often CAN DO, because we SHARE a body/ psyche, therefore making confusion/ overlap tragically inevitable (AND potentially traumatic, as the TBAS days proved). It's such an intriguing distinction-- the League & Spectrum BOTH emanate from MY soul, BUT I don't identify with the League, whereas I DO with the Spectrum. Again, it feels like that distinction is born FROM the "self" association (FROM vs OF??), AND explains WHY INSPACERS ALWAYS SEEM TO CORRUPT!! THAT'S what happened with Justice!!! So yeah this is ANOTHER game-changer; thank You God for guiding us, and revealing this!!
+ Back to breakfast-- we don't "like" sugar, BUT do seem to like the molasses still, despite trauma?? It's still unclear, but we KNOW that personally I don't "like" white sugar. See, THAT'S where the League/ Spectrum differentiation becomes most clear: if an "opinion" or "aspect" contrary to MY OWN is encountered BUT NOT ANCHORED INTO THE LEAGUE, it roots into the SYSTEM AS A POTENTIAL SOCIAL, further "denaturing" our core identity BY "PREVENTING" INDIVIDUALITY IN THE BODY-- "switching" TO "MATCH" EXTERNAL VARIATIONS then becomes the instinctive "norm," a form of "toxic coping" that sees LOSS OF "SELF" as the ONLY way to SURVIVE CONFLICT with the outside world??? BECAUSE WE CANNOT HONESTLY ACCEPT OR EVEN PROPERLY UNDERSTAND "DISLIKE," WITHOUT IMPOSING A MORAL "JUDGMENT" ON INHERENTLY "NEUTRAL" THINGS LIKE FOOD!!! To our psyche, "dislike" should & DOES ONLY APPLY TO SIN. To "dislike" something GOD CREATED based on our own stupid "unique vibe" IS A SIN, as it's a form of SELF-IDOLATRY & REJECTION OF "WHAT IS" ACCORDING TO GOD'S PLAN & WILL!!! So, in our mind, we CANNOT dislike ANYTHING... unless it's a sin. We can dislike a violent movie, but NOT the color yellow, OR the taste of chocolate, WITHOUT "LABELING" THEM AS "BAD" in order to "resolve" the debilitating moral confusion & guilt & panic we get FROM that dislike. Which becomes UNBEARABLE & TRAUMATIC when we THEN STILL HAVE TO EAT THEM-- triggering our "CONTAMINATION PANIC" at the perceived horror of therefore LITERALLY "SWALLOWING SIN" and thus BECOMING SIN-- AND expressing implicit APPROVAL of it THROUGH that ingestion-- that demonic mockery of true communion. THAT'S why we are SO DESPERATE to "LIKE" ALL FOODS, NO EXCEPTIONS, because that is the ONLY way to prevent this moral collapse of a process, one that we are doomed to endure EVERY time we eat, until that ultimate goal is achieved. ONLY THROUGH GRACE, KIDDO, so MAKE SURE YOU PRAY and TRUST GOD instead of vainly relying on your own data/ logic/ efforts/ etc. I'm just human. Without God's grace working in & FOR me, I AM DOOMED TO FAIL, simply because I'M NOT GOD and GOD IS LIFE/ LOVE and I can ONLY have those BY HAVING GOD!! That's actually a JUBILANT HOPE, so hold to it & work ACCORDING to it!! God WANTS to help you, so LET HIM IN TO DO SO. ♥
+ Oatmeal, oddly, for the record, IS out vibe?? Well, MY vibe, which I NEED to distinguish. Yes, we're a System, but the Nousfoni that DO eat (ONLY SOCIALS!!) have DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT & DISTINCT VIBES IN ORDER TO FUNCTION/ SURVIVE, so saying "OUR" is actually invalidating & damaging & rejecting the ACTUAL resonances of BOTH them & myself!!! BUT a fascinating note-- they ALL can "sympathize" WITH the CORE'S "vibe" as like-able, NOT passing the moral judgment? Just like I can with THEIR likes. STILL, their EXCLUSIVE INTEGRITY MUST BE MAINTAINED, because ANY & ALL VIBE DISSONANCE TRIGGERS THE MORAL PANIC by forcing a "paradox" in which two "clashing" resonances are futilely being forced into an impossible attempt at harmony? But honestly it hurts my head to even think about. IT'S A BROKEN SYSTEM. There IS no "moral" nature to foods!!! THAT'S why ALL OF THIS NEEDS TO BE REASSIGNED TO THE LEAGUE, NOT THE SPECTRUM!!!! Otherwise I'll NEVER heal from this disordered mindset & thus I'll KEEP "splitting" into hyperspecialized Socials that not only perpetuate that distorted "either/ or" thinking but BY that, also PREVENT ME FROM EVER REALISTICALLY RE-UNIFYING & RESTORING MY TRUE, HISTORICAL, WHOLE SELF!!! The moral panic might still occur, BUT by utilizing the LEAGUE to ELIMINATE CONDEMNATION, then by God's grace I CAN HEAL. That will never happen via dissociation. Shattering my psyche to "BE OTHER PEOPLE" in order to "survive" the "inescapable" moral panic IS ACTUALLY PERPETUAGINT TRAUMA BEHAVIOR, AND DISRESPECTING/ DENYING GOD'S PLAN & INTENTION FOR ME AS A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL, WHO WAS MADE TO LIVE FOR GOD, NOT IN IMITATING OTHER PEOPLE!!! And for the record, GOD DOESN'T FRACTURE PSYCHES. Ultimately, to be BRUTALLY honest, the ONLY way the SPECTRUM/ SYSTEM ITSELF CAN SURVIVE is if it JOINS THE LEAGUE and DETACHES ENTIRELY FROM MY SENSE OF SELF. Otherwise, I'll forever be pulled in a million different directions, and I'll NEVER be able to LIVE in EITHER the present moment OR in this body-- MY body, GOD'S GIFT TO ME!!!
Tags:
- 2022,
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- entries for therapy talk,
- faith & religion,
- fear: contamination,
- handwritten entries,
- hospital entries,
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- koinofoni,
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