feb24 & lately

We haven't been updating at all lately. Let me try to recap a few days.



- obsessively read westboro baptist stuff from the 15th to the 18th, got us horrifically scared and upset and we were a wreck for that entire week as a result. don't want to re-think about it now. it was toxic even though we believed it 100% at the time. it just... as selfish and wrong as it might be, and i hope it isn't, we don't want to believe that the all-creator god hates his creations enough to damn them for eternity, and make their lives on earth a living hell. when this church says "thank god for (insert disaster here)!!" claiming that it's his wrath falling on unforgiveable sinners, those who CANNOT be saved allegedly... it scares me. they toss around such shockingly harsh and cruel language, they're so caustic, their sense of "humor" is like salt in an infection... and like so many others, they claim that homosexuality is the ULTIMATE sin basically, and if you're gay, you're not only already headed to hell, but you're dragging the planet down with you. we dealt with enough of that existential dread in 2011, we don't need it again now, please, it's virtually impossible to cope with already.
...it's scary enough because part of us empathizes with that wish for everything to be purged and started over. but we'd never be hateful about it. we can't be. those of us who seem hateful aren't really, we've asked them, it always just collapses into crushing sorrow. there's no real hatred in us and i want it to stay that way.
anyway yeah that was last week.

- around the 18th-20th we were reading a bit about edgar cayce and the dead sea scrolls and all that, the family mentioned it and we decided to look into it again. so that's ongoing. we've been reading scripture a lot more lately as we miss it SO much and it is SO relevant so we're reviewing all the 'related' stuff too, all the other ancient religious texts, etc. we have tons of bookmarks and saved documents and screencaps, literally hundreds, you guys have no idea.

- went to stations of the cross at church on the 19th. WE NEEDED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. it was the sort of utterly perfect timing and impossibly deep/relevant message that used to define life for us, the loudest and most incredible sort of synchronicity, and we just wept from how much we missed it, how grateful we were, how much hope it carried in light of the week of hatred preceding it.

- past three days, obsessive reading about diet again, like in 2011 or whenever that was.
kind of scared because all the diets we've tried STILL DON’T WORK. we really need to do our own thing but the ultimate curse is that we don't trust our own judgment, not yet.
trying the raw food diet as it's what our body wants. terrific craving for raw spinach and asparagus lately anyway, unrelated to the diet research amusingly enough. we just want vegetables. nevertheless it's tricky because fruit STILL HURTS and the sugar is STILL tied to hackers and trauma so that's not going to work as-is. we're trying. we're really trying.
going to try hemp seeds or powder and sprouted grains this week, just a little, because eating nothing but raw vegs all day is ideal BUT our body gets miserable and hungry and tired? like it's awful, maybe it's the stress and fatigue giving us detox symptoms or something, maybe it's having 'unhealthy' cravings due to acute anxiety, that can happen. but it's better to have a safe non-veg option in a pinch, so the distraught e.d. alters don't start eating literal garbage out of desperation. poor kids. we're working with them.

- i haven't seen infinitii in too long and it's ripping my heart in half. when ze isn't around you know we're disconnected. i just have to make the extra effort to see hir, even if it's just wearing hir bubble again. you'd be surprised how quickly we get back in tune when that beloved creature shows up. it's probably because ze is this unignorable, emotionally massive reminder OF what we are and what's beyond and what's really worth something. and we need to keep all that in mind more than ever right now.

- wanting to look up music. genre-hunting is the main thing; we LOVE how many new genres have been "invented," it's so specific and varied and idiosyncratic. jay has a list of ones to look into more... pr&b, post-dubstep, art rock, sophisti-pop, trip-hop, nu gaze, future soul... lots of stuff. sounds cool, can't wait to discover new stuff with this.

- basia's "copernicus" has been playing nonstop, loudly, in our head for over 5 days straight. we haven't heard the song probably in over 5 years. so go figure.
also stuck in our head:
"baby you're mine" and "an olive tree" by basia
"unwell" by matchbox 20
"if god made you" by five for fighting
"you are" by charlie wilson
"don’t stop believing" by journey
"don’t stop" by fleetwood mac
and at least one other. however it all has a reason, the lyrics are ALL relevant in some way, that's not a surprise, our head always works that way. always a purpose.
however the big catch is that it's LOUD and it's very upsetting, like someone blasting a speaker in our brain from morning to night. (this could be related to the stress/sensory overload in that sense, and our mind is mirroring the external "noise" in a non-harmful way?) so when it gets too bad, we have to start consciously blasting "song of the ancients" or "esurientes" to drown it out. it takes ALL our concentration though so it's tiring.
it's making it hard to talk to anyone in headspace too because it's just noise, noise, noise. gotta put on some quiet stuff on spotify tonight and see if we can put different song roots in.

- no sleep. 4 hours on sunday and monday. 6 last night I think? but woke up three times during the night I think. not rested at all lately, never really "waking up" during the day, stuff is a fog and it hurts and we're so so so damn tired. we're up super early and we're home super late and we keep having to run errands and drive people places and such so it's too fast paced, too packed. it's exhausting.

- very very disturbing doc appointment yesterday. 'female' stuff, mandatory 2-3 year checkup thing. very telling that, I recall the last time we had such an appointment, we were shaken up and upset but no big meltdowns I don’t think? but yeah this time we could barely get redressed because we were choke-sobbing and rocking back and forth on the examination table and it was horrendous, our whole body was nauseous and in pain like a bruise, when we got out to the car a CHILD alter came out and started weeping and wailing like you wouldn’t believe. laurie actually had to cofront with them to comfort them, she was distraught, at a loss. the kid's a little boy, that's typical, but color is unsure. we want to find people INSIDE if possible. that's where the healing occurs best.

- at church last saturday. the disheveled "jessica" who's always angry in a desperate hopeful self-hating way, has decided that she wants to change. she's taken the name "cecelia" and she's in the lime hues, although that's now just showing as a sort of sheen over her browns. but yeah this is super super good news.

- past two nights, marathon re-reading "kill six billion demons," after forgetting about that comic for like two years. fantastically inspiring, helped us with getting some of our own concepts into better coherence, going to have to type leaguestuff tonight about it. anyway it's SUCH a good webcomic. some tar/plague ish upsetting stuff in the 'scriptures' but nothing we can't transmute into wisdom.

- one library in the valley had the last two "young wizards" books. at last. time to read.
we also took out "high wizardry" again because that one was so intriguing and the ending moved us so deeply, i'll never forget it. to think that when we first read it as a kid we never finished it, i guess it waited until the right time.

- disability hearing this morning, FINALLY, took a couple years. wattson spoke through most of it, but cannon edged in a little, as did overload? and of course we had to push through the a.p. at first. anyway it's done, now we wait to hear back.
speaking of waiting, we were so anxious when we got there that when we were in the waiting room, DREAD was fronting of all people, but so was a lime-spectrum person who kept resonating with the name "panic" fittingly. like marigold, they hold heavy anxiety, but this person is hypersensitive to sound in that respect. like running at 500% all the time, every little thing is so loud. i'm glad we've 'found' them, i knew there was someone like that for ages.



i'm exhausted. listening to jeff beck "cause we're ending as lovers" live at ronnie scotts! dad gave us this album a while back and it's such a good vibe. we saw the live performance on tv once, wow, wow. incredible stuff.

but yeah i'm tired. we all are it leaks out from the body essentially, gets to everyone. jay says we need to put extra effort into remembering our dreams lately, we haven't been due to waking up too too too fast, too suddenly. xenophon asked him the other day, upon waking, what his dream was, and that did help. but yeah maybe remembering our dreams again would help us feel "real" and alive again. when we dont remember our whole sense of reality is skewed and warped. it's like we're missing literally half our entire life.

sleep. tomorrow is thursday, meaning we don't get home until like 8:30 pm. busy day.
friday we have work and stations of the cross, don't know if anything else will come up.
then saturday is POKEMON DAY so we'll see what happens there.

i already can't spell to type i'm so tired so good night.