april 17 2015

So. We might have a "job" within the next week or two.
Don't celebrate, this is yanking up a LOT of trouble and it's distressing really.

Things I've realized over the past few days.

1. Money doesn't buy happiness.
2. I don't want to spend the last years of my grandparent's lives away from them.
3. I want to create more than anything in the world and I want to be PAID for it.
4. I hate fluorescent lights and muzak.
5. I really, really don't feel cut out for this.

I'm going to try. God knows I'm going to try.
But I have been so anxious for the past week over this it's not funny. Sleep is a mess, I'm throwing up from nerves, I have no appetite, I'm jittery and restless, I keep losing my temper far too easily and the minute I'm alone I find myself whimpering like a frightened child.
This job doesn't feel right, AT ALL. I keep questioning that, "it can't be that bad," etc., but every time I think of the place and think of working there, it just… it feels wrong.
I hope, I HOPE we aren't meant to stay here. Maybe just orientation, and a month or so of the actual job. Just enough to pay off our debts, and get a grip on just where we stand in terms of psychological fitness concerning employment.

I'm so nervous. I'm not used to this. I never would have thought I was this capable of near-panic worry. I'm trying not to but I feel so trapped it's scary. That's where the worry is coming from.

The mother said again today, I should not be staying in this house, I should be out on the street, etc. Basically "stop being a bum, get a job and an apartment right now." Then she told me how much of a burden I am on her life, especially with medical bills.
I told her I'd quit therapy, she said no. I told her we didn't need surgery, she said no. She insists we get all this care. Then she swears at us up and down that she has to pay the bills.
I suppose we should be paying for them. That's where this fucking job comes in. I'm working to pay everyone else, and wasting away even more years when I should be doing my holy mission.

Part of me hopes that one day, in her anger, the mother says "you know what, go ahead and kill yourself, I don't care!" because it will take a lot of anxiety off our back if we have permission.

The damn floating voices keep attacking me. They're hellbent on stopping me now that I am realizing just how hellbent I am on doing what I'm meant to do.
They're making the E.D. problems worse. It's hard to fight when I'm in a trance state, and that keeps happening when I'm in the kitchen. It's scary, because it's total detachment from the senses and from the environment, so I don't really perceive what's going on. I need one of the good voices, or (ideally) someone in headspace to forcefully interrupt in order for me to become conscious again. It's a pain in the butt and it's scary too, but I'm getting smarter every day, and I won't give up. I won't ever give up, so there.

Headspace has been dead quiet for about… three weeks? I don't know. I don't normally deal with it anyway so I can't tell you.
But it's worrisome. Some other people inside have observed that without headspace, we fall apart. We get very self-destructive, we stop making spiritual progress, we basically become an empty husk. I'm literally the only person keeping us "alive," because I want to do League work all the time and ONLY that, and that's why I'm PISSED OFF at these floating voices because they are SPECIFICALLY trying to stop me from doing that. I am EXTREMELY ANGRY about that to say the least.
That's why I'm pissed about this job too. I don't know who fronted for the last one, but something tells me that even if I try to front (in order to do League work during breaks at registers or whatever), it won't work, because it didn't work last time, not with the environment.

I'm so mad. I'm so so so mad.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR CREATING THINGS, NOT WORKING IN THIS STUPID CORPORATE HAMSTER WHEEL OF NOISE AND IGNORANCE.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR ART AND MUSIC AND WRITING AND EVERYTHING.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR DOING WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO!!

I don't CARE about money though!! I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY.
Yes, we need it, to pay the bills. I keep forgetting it's 2015 and we're an "adult" now so we have financial responsibilities like that, we can't just live like a video game character forever, surviving well on what's left around (although that would be cool enough).
But damn it, I'm sorry for swearing (it's unlike me but I'm mad) but I DON'T WANT TO LIVE FOR MONEY. THAT'S STUPID!!

I really do need to start commissions. Those STUPID VOICES keep stopping me though. I hate that.
Admittedly I'm scared too. It's a lot of work, getting examples together, determining prices, writing up sales posts. It's overwhelming. That's why I'm scared, there's so much of it all at once. But I have to do it. I HAVE to.
Once the post is up I will be PSYCHED because I LOVE ART and really I have been drawing SO MUCH lately, anyone who says I "can't draw" is BLIND and IGNORANT. Because I CAN and I AM. And I WANT TO. So I will, I must, I have to, and GET PAID FOR IT.
I will stand up for us though. Whoever did commissions in the past, they didn't stand up for themselves, they were so desperate for the money that they gave up on their morals and ended up drawing smut. I think that's what it's called. But it was NOT GOOD and it made them VERY SICK and they got horribly depressed for WEEKS after that. I know, that data's all here whenever I try to start commissions. "We can't, because of that!" No, I'm NOT GOING TO DO THAT. And if anyone asks me, I will ignore them.
Geez I'm not sure how to interact with people though. It's not my job. Our interactors are not good people though. They're all simpering people-pleasers and they're pure programming. It sucks. THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY THE JOB IS AWFUL for the record. People like THAT front all the time because they require MASSIVE DISSOCIATION and when we're not dissociated we can't handle the sensory environment. Stuuuupiiiiiid. But true. It's not a "lame excuse," it's TRUE. If you knew how loud the lights were, and the friggin MUSIC, and having to say a script every time a person walks up, ugh it is exhausting and I want to shake and vomit just thinking about it. Ugh. I don't like it, but we have to try, just to say we tried. We won't chicken out. We'll give it a shot and see.
Honestly I just want cash to pay back our stupid debts, we owe at least $500 from borrowing money for food and bills over the past two years. Which is dumb. But there we are. We pay back our debts but we haven't had income in a while. So this is an opportunity for that, end of story.

What was I talking about. Art.
I want to do it, by golly I miss drawing and I've been remembering what it feels like to draw serious pictures and I am SO EXCITED.
Like I have no memory of high school, or college, let me say that. BUT there's "art memory" for me, in a passive sense. I can look at a picture we drew, and though I don't remember drawing it at all, I DO have an awareness of the feeling of drawing… of what it's like to sketch, to color, to shade, to ink. And it's SO EXCITING.
I can't wait. I don't know HOW someone in our System or whatever thought art was scary, geez it is the BEST THING.
At least for me it is. Maybe that's the problem. I'm a kid, I draw because I LOVE drawing and I love being able to express imagination and life through it. But the college people, I don't know who they are or what they did, but somehow for them, art had no joy? It had to be "perfect," ALL the time, it was a performance or a show. Everything was graded, it had to be just so, or else. I guess? I don't know what they did! But there's such a feeling of tiredness and frustration and exhaustion and panic tied to the college art time, geez what did they have to do? I feel sorry for them, really I feel really bad that they had to go through that. I want to give them a hug even if they're older than me, I hope they don't mind. Art isn't supposed to be sad and draining! Here, you can come draw with me if you like.
I guess it's just hard to stop freaking out over it, about being judged, when you're so used to it. They probably had it burned into their heads. That makes me real sad, it hurts actually.

Ugh this FREAKING JOB I am so mad I just want to quit already and start a freaking self-employed art business on the spot. That would be so cool.
We do inkblots, one of us does, I don't know who. I do all the League art. Someone is trying to learn to paint, on canvases again. I paint shirts too, and toys/keychains/whatever. We're learning to sew. I'm also dabbling with jewelry stuff but that takes money to experiment with, so can't do much with that now.
Point is I am EXPLODING with creativity and I want to GET INCOME FROM IT DARN IT.
Other people can, why can't I???
Agh I don't want to rant about this anymore right now. I want to work more. I'm not sure what the job is tonight but… oh there's a topic.

Writing. For whatever reason, writing has the anxiety tied to it now.
It's the perfectionism thing. I know it. I can feel it now. It's this feeling of, "if I don't get it right the first time, everyone will hold me accountable for it, and it'll ruin the final story!!" It's this paranoia that we've gotta get the whole thing out NOW, and it has to be TOTALLY FLAWLESS, and that's overwhelming as heck!!



I want a Diancie plushie. A Mega one. SO PRETTY.
I'm starting to wonder, I mean I'm not a Pokémon (I'm a Phantomilian, ha haa!) but Diancie is like my BFF because she is, to quote Jay, "Nintendo's love letter to us."
Diancie is literally EVERYTHING we wanted in a Pokémon when we started working on Dream World back in 2000 or so. Literally. I wonder if Nintendo was watching us or got our notes or something. It's too perfect.
Anyway since they probably will find out anyway THANK YOU NINTENDO, I know we're not big-time gamers anymore but THANK YOU LOTS, we appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts. She's perfect perfect cute and I love her~~ Also she basically has my hair. As gems. It's great.

We're tied to a lot of the Legendaries, really?
One of our OLDEST people is a Mewtwo; we were one back in 4th grade or so, there was old proof of self-referral back when we had all the old art. We were sorta a Mew before that, but mostly thanks to AAA, who insisted we be one so she could be Mewtwo. Which was cool, but it never really resonated? So that's that.
Then of course we have a Celebi person in the System, she's ancient too, and unmistakable. But SINCE she's so old I think she splintered a little, and there are like… three different "Celebis" at least? Who knows. The "Cel" in the Spectrum right now has her roots that far back, and is untouched by the stuff that happened with the "canon Celebi" vibes back in the past, whatever that was. Our Celebis were never "canon" in appearance or behavior, so. That's that, too!
Victini has some little roots but they're legit. Jayce or someone was really fond of them back in 2010 or so, and there was legit resonance too. Close to me though, because FIRE/PSYCHIC TYPE, COME ON. But I don't feel like one? Which is weird. Anyway yeah definitely some Victini ties in here, although there aren't any individuals around.
Jirachi I dunno. That was during the lost years so… no clue.
Darkrai, they've got a weird vibe to them because we HAD one in the System, and "jx7" felt REALLY drawn to them in 2009 or whenever, but… I guess there was some very very bad energy or experiences around them, before our member Darkrai died. So I'm sorry to hear that. I guess we'll have to fix it? Somehow? I'll make a memo.
Manaphy and Shaymin never got resonance with any of us! Those were lost years though, weirdly, that's what the data says. Those generations are -bloop- missing from memory. No clue.
Someone did like Mesprit, there's a very very vague feeling of that. Again, lost years, but there was some fondness there that ultimately never took hold anywhere.
I don't know what other Legendaries there are in the older generations… uh… see the problem is that lots of 'em have ties to Dream World, due to the joys of Silver version in the past, and maybe Ruby too, I don't know if that Jewel had Leaguelinks to that extent or if she was already mostly headspace. I DUNNO! Which is weird because you'd think I'd have personal memory of Silver but nope. Not me. The whole consciousness vibe was different then, I just get the diffusion now. Anyway yeah, Legendaries.
Oh I forgot about Reshiram. The fluff dragon. SOMEONE liked him a lot too, back in 2010, probably Jayce too (that was the Victini time). But no anchors. Just fondness.
Hoopa has got some major resonance with Jay, at least one of the Jays, however those guys work. But I joke about that a lot, with Hoopa=Hope in that respect, heheh. Problem is our fronters need to STAY OFF THE INTERNET because the minute we see fandom our programming freaks out, "we need to think that way too now," NO YOU DON'T, their perspectives don't invalidate yours! You CAN and ARE ALLOWED to have different experiences and opinions from other people. And guess what? NOT ALL HOOPAS ACT THE SAME, SO CHILL OUT.
Diancie is meeee, heheh. Somehow. SOMEHOW! I'm not used to being all pink and sparkly! But she's got a resonance with me I can't ignore. So I'm gonna try being a Diancie sometimes, when I need to be/ can be a Pokémon. It'll be cool.
Anyway yeah that's what I was getting at. If I get the cash soon enough, (extra cash), I'm going to buy myself a Mega Diancie plush. Jay I'm sorry I know you despise physical possessions but consider her MY anchor plush buddy, or something. I'll chill out with Chaos Zero and Silverheart on the nightstand. We'll be the cool kids club.

So that's… that's your Pokémon stuff for the night. Enjoy because I'm gonna work on other stuff now.

Jay is majorly obsessed with Steven Universe lately and his brain got mondo fiction lag from it last week. It was hilarious. But it's weird! The lag now isn't making my work difficult?? I think he knows how to manage it better. Or it sticks now, to people. That works!

So many Leagueworlds have old vibes I need to weed out… hehe, the computer just beeped in the same key as this song. That was cute. But yeah, especially Parnassus, that has BAD vibe-lag from 2007 or whenever our previous core-people started working on it big time? BAD lag. Lots of interference and kissing-up stuff. Now I've gotta weed it out, happy spring, hehe. But it's FUN. And it's INTERESTING!! I've realized… my main thing is that I need to get Links working again, MY Links, I have to get close to these people WITHOUT stepping in. I need to see/feel people's lives objectively to write this stuff. How do I put it… Parnassus, I'm learning about the society, about bits of how their world works, little things… interesting things. But I have to WATCH IT. Like we used to watch Hokthai and Oneircia, while walking around the living room with our CD player (Miriel!) for hours. Just watching. And that made MASSIVE PROGRESS HAPPEN.
Problem is lately the stupid "daily grind" has sapped our imaginative progress. For some dumb reason we keep thinking we "HAVE TO" act like "normal people" and it's making us dull and miserable and depressed and antsy. I think it's because we're "grown up" on the outside… people treat us like we're not ALLOWED to be creative and childlike anymore. Pff. Heck with that. I'm gonna do it. I'M alive too, y'know!
It's kinda sad. We lost a lot of time, and we're kinda confused a lot… people outside don't really give us wiggle room. And it would be nice to have, to have the "permission" or at least the allowance to be different a little, to have different needs, and tolerances… I mean geez, we ARE good people, we ARE allowed to exist, we have a REASON to be here… just because we might need some accommodations here and there, is that okay? I hate this feeling of "you're not allowed to be weak" and "you're a freak for not being normal" but really? Really? I don't like a lot of what's out there, and how it works. It feels wrong. I don't WANT to be "well-adjusted" to being sick, there I said it, how about that?? Our mother keeps making fun of us for our sensitivity, well maybe not making fun, but belittling very much… how she's already "used to" pain, and being angry, and "not getting her dreams fulfilled," etc… that's so sad. It's so sad. We don't WANT that to be our reality, do we… have the right to say that?
Life can be so bright, so much nicer than people are telling me it "has" to be. Can't it be nicer? Aren't people allowed to be healthy and happy and helping each other? Can't we build a world where that's the norm, instead of lies and fear and exhaustion?
I guess part of me's just tired. But it's not a depressed tired, it's more of a "geez, this is depressing!" tired. There's a difference, haha! But yeah… I'm too fiery. I want to CHANGE things, moreso I want to DO things and let change happen. I don't like controlling and manipulating stuff, I just want to do better, and be better, and be a force of change and a good example. Stuff will follow.

I'm typing too much on this and I don't really have anything more to say tonight. I really should get to Leaguework, writing maybe, or reviewing. I dunno, my head feels weird. It's in an art mood and that writing perfectionism is buggy… that and it's overwhelming. Dude you do realize we have HUNDREDS of pages of notes, right?? That's why there's no "written books" yet. There are too many PAPERS just lying about. Where do we start!!
So… I dunno, maybe that's a project for tonight. Just in little ways, I can start organizing that, make the crushing stress a bit less. Really, some parts of us are scared of all that towering data. That and the "business responsibility" looming… that stupid fact that we've gotta "navigate the system" before we can get published, or produced in some way. THAT'S what's truly overwhelming, and we should sit down and calmly look at that sometime too because really we CAN do it, we're perfectly capable of handling that… it's just a feeling of "responsibility?" Like there's a hugeness to it, a vastness, a fear that we won't be able to shoulder the sheer amount of work we have if a DEADLINE is stuck to it. That's the base fear, is performance. Perfectionism and performance. PFF.
Guess what I DON'T HAVE TO DO EITHER RIGHT NOW so chill out bro.

It's midnight and I feel like I just woke up, probably because I essentially just did, hehe. This is why our sleep schedule is a mess. Switchiness!

Good night all, I'm working the graveyard shift tonight so I'll see you whenever.