track 03

Hey everybody, it's Jay here. Um, it is… August 19th, 3:18 pm, we just got out of therapy. Uh… I'm recording some notes, because, I keep forgetting to do this. Let's not perform-- the performance thing is one of my absolute biggest problems. I start immediately thinking, "okay, well what is-- what is the correct thing to say, what is the most"-- y'know, "what is the right thing I should say," what's the proper thing to say, and then I lose all sense of honesty and genuineness and spontaneity because I keep thinking "oh, what's the proper way to act or behave and talk?" And I don't want to do that anymore.
Therapy today was tough because there was a problem this morning when I woke up, with CZ and Infi with everyone being half conscious and problems happening and now I'm in severe pain, there's lots of flashbacks; it's utterly unbearable, I'm nauseous, I'm sick, I'm depressed, I-- don't want this. And, it's, we're-- It's really dangerous, mornings are dangerous, because everything's in the subconscious and we’re like "well, why?" Why is Infi so dangerous and yet not dangerous, why is the subconscious so dangerous? Think about all the stuff that got shoved in there! All those, all those negative thoughts, that we keep repeating-- the old 'tape recorder,' so to speak-- that's all in the subconscious. The things of "you have to act like this," "you're not allowed to be this," bla bla bla, all those, those-- that's all stored back there. It's-- it's subconscious stuff. And of course there's the point that, when it happens, for us, y'know, anything that's in that context, it's all utter total confusion. All the lines, all the boundaries are totally blurred… it's-- and, for me, personally, I don't remember those things? 'Cause I'm not allowed to or supposed to. I can tell you one thing for sure. The mindset that prevails in those situation. Situations. No matter what it is asked, and no matter how much pain or fear or whatever might be stored in those situations, whatever the prevailing-- if that situation is happening, it's again, it's that "what's proper? what's right? what am I supposed to be feeling? What SHOULD I be feeling?" That's the mindset that happens. And so it will always say "no, it's fine. I'm fine. Don't worry." And it will… it's that kind of -- it's, it's that kind of "fake smile feeling" of "yeah, everything's totally fine! everything's great." Because it's not thinking about the past, or the future. That's the only problem with living in the moment. Because if you're not aware, of what brought you there and where you're being brought to, so to speak, you've got a problem. And I don't know if that's blasphemous or problematic or what but all I want to say is that, let's say… I don't know. I don't want to be clinging to the past, but… if one of the kids was in that environment, or if it had gotten through, if Jeremiah had picked up on it, if I had been called out into fronting… there's damage. And it would have been triggered. And my moral mindset keeps saying "that's stupid, you're not supposed to be triggered, not supposed to have damage. Live in the moment, everything's fine! You're okay right now!" And I don't know what to think, because… like it or not, in that moment, it still hurt, I didn't want it, I was still scared, but it was the prevailing mindset of "oh well they say you should do this. They say you-- this is, it helps with this, they say that this is right, that this is good"-- and it's always the "they say that, you should feel/ think/ whatever" just like this. And so if anything comes up as a gut reaction or anything beforehand, it's going to be shoved aside because, "you should you should you should you should." "They said this, they said this, they said that." And Infi was sobbing earlier, because Infi realized that all of that is in the subconscious. Infi is raw subconscious, basically. So when Infi's in those situations, Infi can't tell what's up or down either. Because ze is literally operating based on all of that. And it's a fantastic indicator as to what's going on, but if you're overwhelmed in that-- which is kind of Infi's middle name, is 'overwhelming' *laugh*-- uh, you're going to have problems! And the big problem is that with Infi, y'know… I love Infi so much, that… when I'm with hir, uh… you lose awareness of-- y'know, it, it's tough. It's the whole subconscious kind of thing. It's really hot. I'm going to get home… just so you know, that's the problem that's going on here. Uh, we gotta work through this. We've got to reprogram the subconscious. We have to list positive things, we have to learn "it's okay to be asexual," "it's okay to not be active in that sense," "it's okay to not…" it's okay. It's fine. It really is! It has to be! And... I don't know. Maybe it's really gonna take me just hearing someone from outside, one of these spiritual people telling me it's okay because they're the ones telling me it's not… or that you shouldn't, or that it's a wrong step on the spiritual path, I dunno. All I know is that it's really hot, like I said, I want to get home. Okay bye.

mother probs

 

all right, the mother is furious, because my medical bills are too high, I don't blame her.
I hate being sick. I hate being sick in the head. I hate being such a freak.

here's the current questions and concerns I have because we are not getting anywhere in therapy until I have the sheer bloody guts to admit them to myself first:

first: why am I so terrified of the mother?
the weird perfumey smell she gives off (and that reeks on all her clothing) utterly terrifies me. there's a visceral, infantile panic that jumps into my spine whenever I detect it. I cannot be near her for that reason.
her voice doesn't bother me. honestly she's pretty cool as a person.
my grandmother is making it difficult though. she hates my mother. at home she is always spewing condemnations and revulsion for her, mostly around the fact that she is divorced, that she likes to buy things for herself, or that she is "with that whoremaster" (her boyfriend). I do not like that language. I do not like those topics. they make me sick. I don't want to think like that about my mother. but whenever those topics happen, she drags me into them, and it is very tough to not just smile and nod, smile and nod, damned programming.
let's look at that here.
let's be honest first.
my mother is, on a personal 'symbolic' level, a manifestation of everything I never want to become. she is a visual reminder of what I don't want to be. for whatever reason.
it's not her fault. she is not to be blamed for any of it. but, if I were to take on those characteristics, well, my rules don't apply to her and vice versa. if I were to look and act and live like her, it would be living in outright hostility and falsehood towards myself.

first. most apparently, her appearance. big body, very round without being built big, long hair, tons of makeup. walks like a movie star, kind of 'throws herself about.' she's showy and dramatic. but by herself she seems to love it. she's that sort of person. she enjoys attention and flashiness, and loves when people are focused on her. that's her style! and that's fine. but… again, if I were to act that way, it would be outright manipulation. if I ever acted that way it would be out of hatred for other people, wanting to pull them along like puppets on hangman noose-strings. I cannot act like that. so, her behavior is a warning to me. don't ever, ever act like this. for if you do, if you ever catch yourself imitating this woman, you are out of sync. you are being manic and destructive.
so, having her around, acting like that, is a real difficulty. why? because I know I am capable of acting that way. and I know the ugly roots of that behavior in myself. so some self-hating part of me wants to destroy her, to destroy that part of myself. see the problem?
I need to somehow forgive and make peace with that part of myself. that showy, dramatic, brazen, loud part of myself. the part of myself that is also manipulative and destructive. the "manic red" alter.
she acts like she is queen of the world. she laughs loudly, sings loudly, talks loudly. she walks in public like she's on a red carpet. she acts like she owns every place she enters. she demands attention and plays everyone like a game. she treats people like puppets, her dear admirers, her adoring slaves. she wants everything to go her way, or she will toss it into the highway. she is the star, she is the darling of this show, she is the main actor on the stage, and if anyone dares contest that, she will kill them. blunt as that.
but she has a lesson, too, they all do. whatever it is.
when I see my mother, I am reminded of her. they are not the same, they cannot be and will never be. but I do not like that part of myself. and so hostility is my knee-jerk reaction. "stop her acting like that. I don't want to have to copy her. I don't want to be that person."
is that the lesson? I don't have to become my mother? is the self-destructive rage that I feel towards that imitation simply because I feel I have no choice but to copy it, and hate myself for it?
so that is task number one. make peace with her behavior without becoming it, as that would be totally untrue to my soul expression.
that's a big lesson in general, for me. "I can forgive without condoning." "I can allow without becoming." I struggle with that, notoriously.

related.
point two.
she's a taurus, to a T. she loves food, and possessions, and creature comforts. she loves that stuff. and I have no problem with that.
except that I could never, ever, live like that. I have no interest in those things and, again, feeling obligated to collect them like she does makes me ill and angry.

…


there's an audio file from eros on this voice recorder, and he talks just like q. same vocal style, same inflections, everything. it's rather off-putting. I don't know why that sort of speaking style scares me, there's nothing wrong with it, these people are being emotionally sincere in their words and it is audible. but it sounds too dramatic. there's that word again.


…

(unfinished)

 

 

 

 

2014 tumblr

"If you're an astronaut and you don't end every relationship by saying "look, I just need space" then you're wasting everyone's time."

#me and infi #but i also need the ocean #and death and sunshine #our poly group is so weird i love it #but yeah this is great #innerlife

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i get so affectionate when i’m sleepy it’s disgusting

#gpoy #innerlife #literally everyone i know can attest to this

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Ibán Ramón

between the fogbanks and the sea.

#feeling exactly like this tonight #no idea why #water #innerlife

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c a l l u m

#laurie just walked in and told me to sleep #so off i go #art

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I really miss this boy right about now.

It’s weird, how you can never really forget the people who impacted your life in some luminous way, no matter how small it may have been at the time… candles or bonfires, lamps or searchlights, they all tend to glow forever in your heart.

Ryou here… or Rio, as we call him in headspace… well, he turned out to be a bit of a supernova in his own right. When he appeared in my life 12 years ago I may not have realized just what he was the herald of, but now? Now it’s brilliantly staggering, really. And I’m deeply grateful for it.

Sorry I haven’t said hello to you in a while, bro. I still treasure your existence up here, mark my words.

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wifihunters:

someone asked me to draw my entire angel headcanon really fast i don’t thINK THIS WORKED??

#i had a dream that ended in the words ‘We are geometric law and fluidity in one’ and it became my inspo #six wings one head long flowy robe and however many hands needed #fabric like nebulas and translucent /sphere/ halo so it’s a perf circle no matter where you look from #light it like molotov cocktail and boom angel from the book of amanda

#holy shit this is literally me #me #angels #art #favorite #personal aesthetic #also that quote about geometric fluidity makes me SO HAPPY #this is perfect

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Finally, done!
These are Subeta-styled avatars for our three “Archivist” members— Kalisha, Garrison, and Isadora.

Their colors are Peach, Ocean, and Mauve, respectively, and they all deal with internal data management, especially in maintaining coherence between fronters. 
They sometimes work with Sherlock, but for the most part they’re just an inseparable trio.

Kalisha is a pro at finding needed information in a snap, Garrison is the one who actively communicates that info to other members, and Isadora is good at posing questions about that info to find details that everyone else missed or overlooked.

They are also, miraculously, three of the only members who survived Cannon’s brutal attack on the System on December 27th. So we owe them a lot, as they essentially kept what was left together until Central eventually recovered.