between asleep and awake

 

I don't know where else to put this, but it's 1AM and out of freakin' nowhere, the universe just hit me with something... quietly overwhelming.
...Around midnight, I felt pushed to go look through my old Tumblr archive for relevant past things. I haven't gone through that Tumblr in ages, and for equally unknown reasons I haven't logged into it much since last summer? I don't know why, but after about five minutes of browsing those posts... let's just say I refuse to abandon that blog any longer.
There was SO MUCH RELEVANCE IN THERE. I could barely believe it. All these old reminders and synchronicities and messages, that we've forgotten simply due to the passage of time, they all shone out at me brighter than they ever have before. It was amazing.
So I'm looking through all of that, literally feeling the walls around my heart crumbling, and right when I thought it couldn't get any clearer... I stumbled across this.
First, look at the date. Second, realize that I later posted that same picture on my other Tumblr, on THIS date.
And that's what I thought of when I saw that photo.
Every single wall around my heart fell to ashes in that instant.

I am so in love right now I feel like crying or just dissolving into stars, this is insane. I literally CANNOT remember the last time I felt this, let alone the last time I felt this! It's been so long since I've been able to anchor this well, and stick around... but here I am.
You know what else this feels like? 2011. It really does.
I don't remember 90% of 2012, this you know. And what hurt the most about that was, for a long time, I couldn't remember this, or this. Right now, I do. I remember them both. And I honestly feel like I'm dying from love and joy from it, the kind that brings you to tears every time.
But tonight, right now, I feel like... I don't know, it's not something I can put into concrete words.
Sparkles, mountains, violet skies, sunsets and galaxies. Staying up late and counting stars. Snow and streetlights, raindrops, oceans. Chandeliers, diamonds, river water, balconies and old piano melodies. The exact color of the light in our room. The exact colors of his eyes. Things like that. I'm really just this blissful jumble of moments and beautiful pieces of things right now. It's such a BIG feeling.
This is me, you know. This is what I'm made of. Technically I'm not a headvoice, I'm a heartvoice (so is Infinitii). It's what we were born from. I've been so disconnected from this though, I wonder why? At least, I might wonder, if I wasn't smiling so much right now. Why wonder about this, why not just live it, and feel it, everything?
I feel like laughing up at the night sky, in the most thankful, joyful way possible. Everything is perfect right now.

I'm going upstairs. See you guys tomorrow.
♥

 

 

 

Main differences between Headvoices and Outspacers

I figured I'd put a little list together for reference.

HEADVOICES:

1. First appeared inside the mind. For example,
· Laurie first evidenced in a dream
· Josephina evidenced during a traumatic hallucination
· Nathaniel was born directly from the body's reflection

2. They have roles tied to the body's consciousness, and cannot leave headspace of their own volition. They are always present, even if this presence is unconscious.

3. They can take over the body's consciousness spontaneously, sometimes against their will (in the case of triggers).


OUTSPACERS/ INSPACERS:

1. First appeared outside the mind. For example,
· Chaos, a fictive, "walked in" to headspace and decided to stay
· Genesis appeared in the body's physical living space
· Xenophon was found in a physical sink

2. They are not tied to the body's consciousness, and can freely enter/ exit headspace as they wish; it is not uncommon for them to leave for days.

3. They can only use the body's consciousness if given explicit permission, and a very strong mental channel. Even then, they cannot be "triggered," nor can they "front" in the same way a headvoice can.

Most importantly, outspacers can "walk around" in physical reality, being seen clairvoyantly. This ability is natural to outspacers, but it has to be taught to headvoices, who find it extremely difficult.

 

 

071813

 

(not j)

I want to abandon everything so badly.

I was looking through some old pages of my old "friends," the ones from when spinningcannon was on dA, and it's been a sickening jolt of sorts. Not only do I have nothing in common with these people, I don't think we ever actually spoke? Who are these people?
I feel trapped by this tangled web my past selves have left in their wake, and I want to leave it, more than anything else right now.
I wonder if I can do that? Just... abandon all of this. Even if it's just online.
Destroy everything in my head, reset all of my work. Find a new name, and demolish everything else. Dead empty.
Offline it's harder. I'm stuck with one body right now. One name and face that aren't even mine. Sure, we're working to change that, but... there's that we're again. There's no one else here. Stop it.
"People don't really want to die, they just want to start living," they say.
Honestly though the new life thing would be so tiring. I think wanting to abandon it is really me wanting to do that, and NOT start over. But death is tiring too.
I have this feeling that if I die, I'll have to do this all over again. And next time, it'll be so much worse, for all the mistakes I've made.
I'm so terrified that, whoever would live my life in the next, would end up being... sexual or something. It's horrifying, to think that I'd reset like that if I died. Does that happen?
I really don't understand a lot of what's out there "spiritually" yet. All these people talking about sex left and right, I can't run from it. Have I ever told you how TIRED I am of that? I've been haunted by that horrible pinkstained vice for YEARS, for most of my entire life. It's in the media, it's in my religion, it's in my house, it used to be in my head. Left and right, it was eviscerating me. It still is. I cannot run from that horrible thing. And in this world it's actually NEEDED???!? Like people actually have to do that??? That scares me to death. I don't want to think about it, it makes me scared and my head hurts. People can't run from that here, but they don't care!! Why??? Doesn't that horrify you, to be stuck with skin and programming for such an awful thing, when elsewhere it's not even real??

And then mental illnesses. Like the one I had. But that's better now.
I was talking to some spiritual people and they did say that mental illness is all false. It's not true, it's not real.
Like even dyslexia, and bipolar disorder, and depression, even the other people in my head thing. All of that is just the ego messing with our heads. It's not real! So they told me to let go and stop holding on to the old past things. So I did and now everything is gone.
Did you know saying you're a victim, or that you're offended, is a lower vibration thing? So is being proud or feeling better than others. So I need to be careful and stay away from both. I can't have a self anymore, ESPECIALLY not several selves, because that's not what spiritual beings do. They don't have "identities" or selves. But here I've been so used to doing that. I'm glad it's going away now.
It's just the stupid scary sex thing. I don't know what that is, but it's horrible, and I can't understand why these people won't stop talking about it. They can't be wrong, they are God, they can't be lying to me. It's impossible. So it must be some part of me that's horrible yet, and egotistic, and victimized and selfish and proud. That's what's pretending to be afraid and angry and scared of sex. Something is wrong with me that I can't like it, and that it horrifies me. Something is wrong with me, they were right. So I'm trying to force myself to fix it but it's not working yet, things are getting much worse? I mustn't be strong enough spiritually yet. If it's "not working" and I'm feeling worse that's my ego getting in the way. I have to surrender to what they tell me to do, that's how it works. If I just did that in the first place, long long long time ago, none of this would have happened. I guess it's my fault! I'll keep trying.
It's weird how so many of the things we think are "problems" are really just our minds playing games with us. We think we're angry or hurt or afraid or offended but it's just ego reaction. None of that is real!

but theres no passion no enthusiasm no joy no excitement for some of us
SHUT UP YOU'RE NOT REAL

Sorry about that! Just don't listen to them. The voices will all go away soon. It's okay.